Free Marriage Advice Part 2
January 6th, 2009A typical fight between my husband and me used to go something like this:
It's your fault!
Me: You really pissed me off when you [LATEST TRANSGRESSION GOES HERE.] It’s just like the time you [ANOTHER TRANSGRESSION THAT WE'VE ALREADY FOUGHT ABOUT, BUT THAT I HAVE NOT YET FORGIVEN HIM FOR GOES HERE.] And the time you [DITTO] and [DITTO] and [DITTO TIMES 600.] Do you see why someone like me would have a hard time being happy with someone like you? Do you see it?”
Him: “I’m sorry. Again.”
Does this sound familiar? Marriage experts call it stockpiling. It’s really dysfunctional.
Here’s the thing: it feels really good to stockpile. If it didn’t, none of us would do it. Every time we scratch open an old wound during a new fight, it’s our way of saying, “I am better than you. It’s all your fault. See? See? See!?”
But it’s not all your spouses’ fault. It’s partly your fault, too. (If you just said, “She’s out of her mind,” then you need to start at the beginning of the Free Marriage Advice series and read yesterday’s entry about how you’ve contributed to the downfall of your marriage.)
More important, holding onto past grudges prevents you from improving your marriage. If you stay stuck in the past, you’ll never be able to create a better future, and you want a better future. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here reading my free marriage advice. You’d be flipping through the Yellow Pages in search of a good divorce lawyer.
Still, forgiveness is hard. It’s REALLY hard. I’ve so been there, okay? Here’s how I released my grudges. I hope this five-step plan will work for you, too.
5 Steps to Forgiveness
Step 1: Commit to releasing the old grudges. Make it a resolution.
Step 2: Remind yourself that you’re part of the problem. Your spouse hasn’t been perfect, but neither have you. When you see yourself as a person who deserves forgiveness, it’s easier to see your spouse as the same type of person.
Step 3: Hold one last stockpiling blowout. List all of those old grudges on a piece of paper. Go back in time and relive every drop of anger and hurt. Then, when you and your spouse are both calm, go over your list. Now, this isn’t your time to beat up on your spouse and prove to him that he’s the rotten person you think he is. No, it’s not about that. It’s about getting it out of your system. So say something like this, “I’m having a hard time moving on from the past, and I really want to move on. I know you are better than I give you credit, but these old wounds still need to heal. Can we talk about these past incidents? I’d like to tell you why I felt hurt. I would really appreciate it if you told me that you were sorry. I know it may seem silly, but please bear with me. I’m really trying to forgive and I think this might just help.”
Step 4: Meditate. If you are not into meditation, what I’m about to suggest is going to sound very Crystal Ga-Ga to you. Trust me and try it. This really works. When you realize just how powerfully it works, you’ll get goose bumps. Go somewhere quiet. Close your eyes. Get yourself nice and comfortable. Do some deep breathing. Then, one at a time, bring the image of three different people to your mind’s eye: 1) You 2) Someone you love dearly 3) Your spouse. Send your best loving energy to each person. Give each person every drop of love, understanding, and acceptance you have to offer. Hear yourself say, “I forgive you. I love you. I wish you well.” Then release the image of that person from your mind’s eye.
Step 5: Be patient. It takes time to see your spouse for who he is today and not who he was yesterday, but it will eventually happen. It will happen faster if you make a mental note of all of the things he is doing right, so you can remind yourself just how far he’s come.
Do you have advice that can help people forgive? Have you succeeded in moving on from the past? Leave a comment.
Note: This blog is the second in a multi-part Free Marriage Advice series. Go to Free Marriage Advice Part 1 to start at the beginning.
Tomorrow: How to get your groove back.
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January 6th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I think the biggest step for so many of us is step 2. It’s seems to be our nature to want to prove that we’re right and the other person is wrong. In the corporate world it can get you ahead, but in a marriage needing to be right is definitely something that you need to get over.
I love the idea of your project, I think that a lot of couples give up during the rough years and don’t give themselves long enough to get to the smoother years of marriage.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I would just add (to the forgiveness step) that you forgive someone for yourself, more than for them. It frees you up, it relieves the burden from your own back when you can find a way to forgive those who have hurt or wronged you. Life is too short…..