Alisa’s Reading List for a Good Marriage, Part 2
Friday, June 25th, 2010A marriage project is never over. To continually feel good about your marriage, some continuous work is in order. That’s why I recommend you pick up a marriage improvement book once every few moths or whenever you find yourself planning your spouse’s funeral, whichever happens first.
What follows are the books I’m reading now.
100 Ways to Boost Your Self Confidence, by Barton Goldsmith, PhD
Goldsmith also wrote Emotional Fitness for Couples, one of the books that saved my marriage. I recently connected with him to see if he would blurb my book. We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour. I must say this: he has got to be the coolest, funnest and funniest marital counselor I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
He agreed to blurb me. (You can read his awesome blurb on this page, toward the bottom).
And then he sent me 100 Ways to Boost Your Self Confidence, which is his most recent book. This is one of those books that every recovering neurotic should carry with her in her purse. Pull it out and read a passage whenever you feel scared, nervous or worried. It’s Prozac, Xanax and Red Bull rolled into one. My favorite tip was #46, which explains what to do with anxiety. In it, Goldsmith recommends listening to the anxiety for clues. What is it trying to tell you? He also counsels us to think of it as a “thrill” and to use the energy it provides.
You might wonder, “What does confidence have to do with marriage?” My answer: everything! The more confident you are, the easier it is to see solutions. The more confident you are, the easier you are to live with. The more confident you are, the better adept you will become at asking your partner for change.
Emotional Fitness for Intimacy, by Barton Goldsmith, PhD
Yes, I am on a Goldsmith streak. I bought and read this book because I felt as if my husband and I were drifting apart. Our marriage was good. I didn’t have any specific complaints. He wasn’t doing anything in particular to annoy me. But I didn’t feel connected. I wanted to feel closer.
I’m still working my way through Emotional Fitness for Intimacy. This is a book that offers many exercises. It’s not a reading book. It’s a doing book. My husband and I still need to work on the doing part of things. Still, I love what I’ve read so far. Goldsmith is down to Earth and his suggestions make sense. Whenever I pick up the book, I feel as if he has known me and my husband for years.
I’ll be featuring a couple of the exercises he suggests in upcoming Marriage Improvement Mondays. We can all try them together.
Do You Know What I Mean? By Robert Keteyian
Robert is a counselor who reads ProjectHappilyEverAfter and comments here often. He sent me this book ages ago. Seriously, he was still a young man when he sent it to me. Now he’s lost most of his hair. Sorry Robert!
In this book, Robert breaks down communication styles into the following components: intrapersonal, interpersonal, linguistic, logical, visual-spatial, kinesthetic, and auditory. We all use some of every component when we communicate, but we tend to be stronger in two or three areas.
What I found most stunning about this book is that I was completely wrong about my communication style. I would have assumed that I was strong in the auditory and linguistic areas because I’m a writer. Talking and listening is what I do for a living. Yet, after taking Robert’s tests, I learned that I was really strongest in intrapersonal (which is similar to “introversion”) and kinesthetic (which, oversimplified, means I’m high in the feeling and empathy department.) I experience life by touch and feeling. When I am on a mountain hike, for instance, I’m much more likely to notice the air temperature and the sensation of stuff crunching under my feet than I am to notice the vistas. I’m also more likely to figure out my new iPad by pressing the buttons and seeing what happens (learning by doing) than I am by reading the instruction manual. And I’m more likely to sense that something is wrong with my marriage (usually by a sensation in my heart center) than I am to consciously think it.
So what does this have to do with marriage? Let’s say you are strong in one area and your partner is strong in a completely different area. This will lead to conflict! Even worse, you will both feel misunderstood, as if your partner just doesn’t “get you.” This issue, however, can be solved by understanding how to cater to your partner’s style as well as how to use the strengths of your own style—and how to avoid it’s inherent weaknesses, too. I will be inviting Robert here to talk more about this in an upcoming post.
What books are you reading for your marriage? List and review your favorites here in the comments, so others can learn from your success.
