The Heavenly Art of Manscaping
Thursday, August 12th, 2010
AKA
Nandoism’s Nether Grooming Guide
This guy needs to read this post. Photo by SFBart.
After writing and posting Alisa’s Nether Grooming Guide, I got a request to run a companion piece for men. This, my friends, was not something I could pull off on my own. Had I tried to write it myself, such a post would have been filled with conjecture and myth.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve helped my husband with some of his manscaping needs over the years. I’m tweezed stray hairs from various places that he probably would not want me telling you about. That, folks, is one of the benefits of marriage. Your partner is there on call with the tweezers and electric razor. More important, what happens in the bathroom between two married adults stays in the bathroom.
Because my husband is an avid cyclist, he also shaves his legs. This is something that my girlfriends and family members thought was quite odd when he and I first met. But, during our early dating years, I enjoyed sharing leg-shaving tips with him, and I was flattered by his awe in my ability to shave my legs while standing. He could only shave his while sitting.
But he’s pretty much on his own with the nether parts, which is why I couldn’t begin to offer grooming advice for that part of the male anatomy.
Thankfully, I happen to know another blogger who is my male equivalent. By that, I mean that he is open, honest and not embarrassed to write about anything—including his pubes. Other than that, we’re complete opposites. I like beer. He likes umbrella drinks. I like to wear my hair long and straight. He wears his short and wild.
I’m attracted to men. He’s attracted to men. Whoops. That’s something we have in common.
Anyway, his name is Nando. He writes a blog about gay life and culture, he’s into all things hip and fashionable, and he’s gracefully agreed to share all he knows about nether grooming and manscaping.
Body Hair According to Nando
Men and their hair is such a sensitive issue. We get it, then it falls out and grows in places we had no idea it could. It’s a self-esteem crusher when you see your first ear hair sprouting or when your pubes go white.
So whether you need a trim or a full cut, razors, scissors, or depilatories can be a man’s best friend. And I’m here to walk you though the process. Are you ready?
Back Hair
When I was 19 years old, I was sleeping next to Luther, my boy crush. While he was spooning me, he jerked back. I was confused. “What’s wrong?” I inquired. “It just felt like I was laying next to carpet.” That’s the day I became a permanent Nair for Men customer. I don’t recommend waxing or shaving your back hair. Just have someone smear the stuff on your back (I have my roommates do it—the job is in their renters clause) and in 20 minutes or fewer (depending on how coarse your hair is) your back is smooth and ready to see the light of day. It’s the best $5 you’ll ever spend.
Ralph and the Boys
There are three types of people when it comes to genitals.
1. The Jungle Crowd: These folks love the natural look and have no problem with your Jungle Book bush look. In fact, they love playing “where’s the treasure” and you’re the one who reaps the benefits when they do!
2. The Prim and Proper Bunch: This crew will not set foot anywhere near your naughty parts unless everything is trimmed and nicely kept. Usually, a weekly trim with a small pair of scissors will do the job just fine. Don’t get too crazy with the shape. I once dated a guy who was obsessed in trimming and shaping his junk to look like a perfect triangle. It wasn’t fun and it looked weird.
3. The Mr. Clean Crew: These folks want it all gone. Nothing there but flesh and bumps. Personally I’ve done this once and the only benefit was that it made my junk look SUPER HUGE, but it was murder to grow back in.
Whatever you decide, don’t Nair your genitals. Trust me on this one. Use scissors to trim, then a razor to go all the way if that’s the look you’re going for. Either way, do it after a hot shower. It will makes the transition smoother — just be prepared for the new growth to itch like crazy.
Chest
Nicely trimmed chest hair is sexy. Chest hair that’s sprouting out of your shirt like a Chia Pet gone awry is not sexy. Take a small pair of scissors and start whacking away. It’s manly and so sexy to see sexy chest hair on a man. But if you do decide to remove it all–use Nair. There’s less chance of nicks and cuts. Because the chest is more sensitive than your back, do a test sample first to see how long to leave it on.
Eyebrows
There should be two. Enough said. With this delicate task, you need to trust the person doing this or else you might end up looking like a stand-in for Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest. The latest trend in New York is men sculpting their brows. That’s a big mistake. Eyebrows on a man should look thick and confident, not sculpted and Mariah Carey-ish.
Go to a professional to trim them–but not sculpt them, don’t allow them to talk you into shaping those bad boys or you”ll be sorry!
Ear Hair
Nasty. Nair it, buzz it with a razor, pluck ‘em with tweezers–just get rid of it. That’s the man’s curse and it has to be done routinely, unless you want that corn on the cob look with the stray cornhusk whiskers sprouting out of your head. Not sexy.
Legs & Arms
Leave those alone, unless your friends call you Magilla Gorilla. In that case, I’d seek professional help like a Men’s Spa or Salon.
