How long great sex really lasts
Are we done yet?
A few months ago, I was surfing around a discussion board for moms when I noticed this intriguing question, “About how long does it take you and your DH to do it?” I clicked through, and I immediately felt inadequate.
Mom after mom was claiming to “do it” for 30 minutes, 60 minutes, and even two hours on a regular basis. These women were describing a “quickie” as sex that lasts for 10 to 20 minutes. A few even complained about short sexual encounters, whining, “I wish my DH had more staying power.”
I wondered, “Who are these women and why are they allowed to type such nonsense on the Internet?”
In my bedroom, a typical session lasts about 10 minutes, and that includes the taking off the clothes part and the clean up.
This, by the way, is not my husband’s fault. His staying power should probably be documented in the Guinness Book of World Records. (Note: His friends read this blog. My husband will now love me forever. He’d also like me to stipulate that the length of his, well, you know, is legendary.)
Our constant use of the quickie is all my doing.
I simply can’t imagine going at it for an hour. An hour?! Two hours?! When I think about having sex for that long, the following words and phrases come to mind:
“Ouch.”
“Yawn.”
“I have stuff to do.”
“Are we done yet?”
It’s possible that we completed a few sexual marathons years ago, when we first met. Those were the days when we used to think it was fun to gaze into one another’s eyes. My memories of those times have mostly been erased by a chronic case of momnesia, though.
In any case, we no longer have time to eye gaze, not to mention drag things out in the bedroom. Now in the AK (after kid) era, there’s simply no time for such frivolity. We have a 529 to fund, a daycare bill to pay, jobs to do, a house to clean, toys to fix, and meals to cook. Sex has become something we slip in somewhere between the daycare drop off and a mad dash to the bank.
Still, even if I had all the time in the world, I’m not so sure I’d want it. If sex lasted an hour or more, I’m quite certain I’d need to take ibuprofen for a few days afterward. I’m just not in that sort of shape anymore.
And even if I was in shape, I’m not sure I’m genetically blessed with the ability to go at it for that long. I’ve tried to turn myself into a better sex partner. I really have. For instance, I’ve tried doing it with my husband a lot more frequently, with the idea being that more frequent orgasms would lead to a better ability to delay them.
It sort of worked, too. Instead of 10 minutes, our sessions dragged on for about 12.
I’ve tried to focus my thoughts on nonsexual things, too, like how I planned to straighten up the bedroom as soon as we wrapped things up. I’ve even begged my husband to ease up. “No, don’t push me over the edge honey, I want to see… Oh, it’s too late now.”
It’s like that.
I thought about asking my real life mom friends about their sex lives, but I held off. I figured they might all be marathoners, too. I didn’t want everyone in town knowing that I was a sexual sprinter.
Then yesterday I was doing some research for a heart disease book that I’m writing and I stumbled across a Penn State study. It found that the most sexually satisfied couples usually had sex for just three to 13 minutes. In fact, the psychologists, marriage therapists and sexperts who were studied said that anything longer than 10 minutes was “too long.” (And if you wonder what that has to do with heart disease, all I can say is this: Google isn’t perfect.) The researchers were quoted as saying, “Unfortunately, today’s popular culture has reinforced stereotypes about sexual activity. Many men and women seem to believe the fantasy model of large penises, rock-hard erections and all-night-long intercourse.”
I thought three things:
1. Hallelujah!
2. Penn State rules!
3. Bring on the quickies!
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Tags: Sex advice
January 28th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Gah, I think those 2 hour people are just doing it wrong. They were probably the slow readers that held up the whole class back in fourth grade, too. ;-p
January 28th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I’m pretty sure you can’t listen to the radio without hearing a song about making love all night long, but I agree with you! I’m not sure that it’s desirable or possible. Sex is no exception to the practice of people comparing themselves to others, especially when it comes to how often and how long, rather than focus on what’s actually enjoyable to them.
January 28th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Wow! This is mind-blowing. I always thought less than 20 minutes was an anomaly, and cause for complaints.
10 minutes? That’s much easier to add to the routine. Thanks!
January 28th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Well said! I mean it would be nice to have maybe 20 minute sex on special occasions, but I certainly feel better about our 10 minute sex now that I realize it is not quite out of the ordinary.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:27 am
WOW This is interesting! I think 2 hours is just showing off LOL
January 29th, 2009 at 11:53 am
I don’t know, I don’t see what is so wrong with 30-60min sex for special occations, me an my wife find time for that fairly regularly. I don’t see why it would have to hurt either. Not everything has to be pounding. I really like taking some time away from the world and just enjoying time with my wife. Sure most of it is in the 10-30 minute range, but you people act like there is something wrong with taking time away from the world and just enjoying something special with the person you love.
Sex comes in alot of flavors, and there is no best flavor, its true. But your just hurting yourself if you NEVER make time to take soem time making love to your spouse.
P.S. again there is more to it than just hip pounding (though that is the most enjoyable part). Slow it down every now and then.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
You are my new favorite blogger.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:00 am
Sex comes in alot of flavours, its true. But your just hurting yourself if you NEVER make time to make love to your spouse. I feel good sex should last between 30 & 45 minutes every time.
February 6th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
girl, all I know is that even a quicke would do, right about now. I’ve been in a sex “funk” for over 6 months and if I were to encounter a 2 hour session, I might not come out of it alive.
My question is–does the 10 minute love-making session count if you’re by yourself? You know, self loving the monkey?
Nando
February 9th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I bookmarked your site a couple of weeks ago and just got around to reading it… I LOVE it! Ironically, I just ran into the men’s view version of your site on wordpress… The Secret Life of Men. His take is that men secretly do every kind thing they do for us to get some two hour loving. After reading your post and his, I thought, no wonder relationships are so hard! Maybe between the two of ya’lls blogs, I’ll get a real handle on how to have a good one…
February 18th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I voted for 5-10 minutes. I can be done in 3 if we’ve had 7 minutes of kissing, licking, touching. No foreplay and it’ll take me more than 10 and I’ll just get frustrated.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Just found this web-site through A First magazine article, love it, I bookmarked it! Very informative!
Mary Ann
March 31st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Personally, I don’t care so much how long it lasts. You know what they say, “quality over quantity”. If it’s hot and we finish together, I don’t care if it’s five minutes or forty five. It’s all about the quality, and the quality is quite good….
April 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Everyone has different sexual needs, at different times. That people will budget less time pleasuring themselves and their lover or spouse than it takes to watch a sitcom on TV says something about America. And valuing longer sessions of lovemaking over shorter ones for the sake of quantity is folly, too. Were both parties satisfied? That’s the main issue. The time spent and the activities included might change over the years, or even week to week. This blog makes it sound like sex is a distasteful chore to be done, like washing dishes or mowing grass, and the quicker it’s over the better. We all have busy lives, jobs, kids, and whatnot. But what a way to diminish your humanity and possibly lose your significant other.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Personally, I think about 20-45 minutes is ideal! That includes EVERYTHING…quickies are great–but NOTHING beats the REAL connection of touching, feeling, kissing and THEN going at it! I agree with what Ron said–it doesn’t say much about our society if we devote more time to watching TV than to our partner’s. Sex is such a wonderful and sacred thing, that I personally think, rocks! I also think that it’s different all the time and unless I have somewhere to be immediately…I sure as heck don’t set a timer for sex. I let it happen as it happens. Or at least I try to. I also don’t have children, but still. I’ve never seen sex as a chore, I see it as a super special part of a marriage (or any committed relationship) and a privilage. It’s the ONLY thing we do with our spouse that we DON’T do with everyone else! Think about that! I realize and have accepted the utter importance of scheduling sex, because it’s definately possible to go weeks without it if you’re not careful! But, as for as putting it on my list…it’s always pretty high on my list and certainly rarely at the bottom of the list! Sex is great, and I think although not every time will result in earth shaking fireworks–any time I get the chance to be intimate with my spouse, and share that special part of our lives, it’s pretty damn great–regardless of whether it lasts 5 minutes or 5 hours! (Not that we’ve done it for 5 hours, I think that would be downright exhausting and painful after a while; but, hey, whatever works for the couple is up to them!)
Blissful Intimate Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
April 17th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Most of you are getting too much sex on a regular basis to fully appreciate it anymore. When you’re starving for action, it is no big deal to go for hours, all night long, 4-5 times — you get what you can get!!!
Legendary.
Have you been on RedTube, PornHub or YouPorn lately? The legends are real, ladies.. and you can see them online. And you’ve got to be pretty damn gigantic to be considered a “legend” these days..
April 17th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Wait, you enjoy sexy time but want it to be over in 15 minutes? What?
April 17th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I think the biggest misunderstanding between folks on this trail is that people are not comparing apples to apples.
Some folks are talking about sex – strictly intercouse. Others are incompassing the entire act of sex…getting undressed, teasing, foreplay, intercourse, cuddling et al.
By breaking it down, duration preference is strictly that a preference….strictly intercourse or the entire sexual act. Regardless of YOUR preference, as long as you and your partner are in sync…that’s all that matters.
P.S. as a male…we always want to run a marathon but sometimes a 100 yard dash is fine and acceptable. There are times you get us too revved up…that’s is a good thing. Think about it.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
“…the length of his, well, you know…”
You can talk about sex, but you can’t say the word “penis?” Or even a slang term like manhood? That seems a bit juvenile.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
lol, personally i like to do like lions do… go for 10-15 minutes… Take a break for 20 mins…watch some tv in bed or somthing… then repeat over and over, the break times make it fun and easy.
As a guy just go to the point of no return but don’t cum!! because your energy will be gone! as a girl your man should make you cum as often as possible!
After about an hour or 3 of chilling with your girl like that, when you finally decide to cum you cum for real!, somtimes like lose consciousness!! As a bonus you’re both in this really fun happy connected sexual energy vibe that lasts for days.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Ten minute sex fit into your schedule sounds kind of boring. I would change my life to make time for what really matters. Making Sweet sweet LOve!
Wylie
April 17th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Hehe, she pretends to be happy with their 10 minute “quickies” but there’s a deep undertone of her longing for a man like me who can give it to her all night long.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
In my experience, women who can, and enjoy, multiple orgasms, tend to want things to go on and on and on. I dated one woman who could not have more than one orgasm, and once she had it, she was done and wanted me to finish up and move on. I don’t really think there is anything wrong with either. As long as you’re both happy.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
You should clarify your survey. Are you asking strictly about the time between penetration and the last partner experiencing orgasm, or are you including foreplay at the beginning and cuddling at the end?
April 17th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Thanks “some_guy,” it’s great to see someone out there validating my feminine libido! Different women obviously have different needs. After 10 minutes my husband and I have just gotten started – and in those first few minutes I typically have had a couple of orgasms out of what will be dozens before we are done. We are both multi-orgasmic and have been together for a decade. My guy likes to go for up to five hours if I can hang in there. I have learned a lot from him about pacing and stamina, but usually am “pleasured-out” after two to three hours and so the evening ends. As others have commented, this includes variations in pace/activity, cumming, resting, and regenerating. The hours meld into one another and the culmination is indeed earth-shattering! Downside: we make love only once or twice a week because yes, we have lives (although no kids) and it is hard to function sometimes the next day when you are still blissed-out – and sore, LOL – from the night before. No viagra, no other chemicals, just us… it is all about opening yourself to the possibilities.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I couldn’t ever seeing myself consistently having sex for ten to fifteen minutes, my girlfriend and I always go for at least an hour.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Translation:
I have sublimated my deep insecurities about my sexual performance and fears of intimacy by objectifying my husband and blogging about it.
–
I totally agree. But her writing style is declarative, and rather than inspiring deep thoughtful discussion on the topic, it instead encourages groupthink. That’s why I’m making my posts over here instead of on her blog. She doesn’t want to hear anything except a chorus of external validation.
She has her eye on everything except the ball. No pun intended. What she is saying is there is no time for sex in her life because of the kids, jobs, 529, chores, etc.etc.etc. These are all excuses to avoid intimacy. And further goes on to imply that anyone with a robust sex life is either lying, or not doing all that other stuff. Never mind the idea that you can hire a babysitter.
If instead of decrying all the unmanageability, she just took the time to actually love her husband, all the other things in her life would be just fine, and probably even better. Deep intimacy, on all levels, in a love relationship is a source of positive energy that radiates through all aspects of one’s life.
I put my sense of spirituality first, my relationship with my partner in a very close second, family and friends (same as family to me) third, and everything else after that. I am happy and so is my girlfriend. And I am fairly certain my baby girl will be too.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I’m here from the recent Reddit crowd. My first comment is that those without kids should reconsider posting. The article isn’t about sex in general. It’s about having sex when you have kids. But that’s just my opinion.
I enjoyed the article and the first couple of comments. Those that are talking about going for hours or having orgasm after orgasm or having sex “not that often 2 or 3 times per week”, are missing the point of the article because they aren’t in the same boat.
My wife and I have been married 10 years (this July) and have a 3 year old. We both have active careers. I’m right with you on the quickie thing. (The person who said you’re longing for a real man is a troll).
This quickie thing was a bit of a surprise though. I didn’t find out that my wife prefers this until just recently. A funny story. One night the mood hit just right and we went for about 45 minutes. That’s 45 minutes of actual sex, not undressing and foreplay. I couldn’t believe my ‘prowess’ and was quite pleased with myself. During the post-coital discussion I came to find out about half way through my wife was thinking “I didn’t sign on for this”. Hysterical. For her, anything more than 10-12 minutes becomes difficult. Pain is the most frequently cited issue.
Thanks for the laugh.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
My wife and I are mid-30s
A quickie for us is 20 minutes or so, standard is somewhere between 40-1 hr.
This time includes foreplay, undressing etc
April 17th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Seems surprising that so many men are commenting on this post. It seems to me that (so long as they pace themslves) they’re not the ones who suffer when it’s getting too long? I don’t think its productive to exclude men from all conversations but some of the sex advice being posted makes me feel sort of depressed..
And as a girl who always finishes first, i hope this article gets passed around far and wide so we can have a less idiotic conversation in the public arena.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
It all depends on the people involved. The main thing is that nobody is in pain or gets injured or anything, haha.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Each person is so different from one another. No one person can judge how another person is or isn’t. When I was younger I had sex every day several times a day. In 1987 when I was in the dating scene. I was with this guy. Him and I had this chemistry in the bed room that was just so mind boggling. We new how to tear it up all night. It just depends on each person and how there make up is. Needless to say we didn’t stay together because he was into many women and I wasn’t into that stuff. But it was great while it lasted.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Personally..
I really can’t go for more then about 45 minutes, even with the AC on, even after I’ve been exercising like a horse, and am in a good mood, awake, etc..
I just can’t.
I also have to comment, I am one of the unfortunate women who can *not* get an orgasm, it just doesn’t happen and when he tries I usually kick him in the face. Over sensitive, under sensitive, it changes.
I just don’t have the stamina. Yeah, I’m a chubby girl, but so is he. We burn usually after a long session. It’s a good burn.
I enjoy getting him off and there, but I become bored, sweaty, and uncomfortable by the 45 minute mark.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Though, I must add to my above – I DO do it at least once a day IF I am in that mood… Some weeks we’ll do it once, some we’ll do it multiple times a day.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
I wish my gf was more sexually active. I feel it hurting our relationship.
April 18th, 2009 at 12:23 am
I’ve had sex with women who couldn’t get enough and we made love for 3 hours. I’ve had sex with women who had an orgasm in five minutes. All my experiences were awesome. Some were more awesome than others. It’s all good.
April 18th, 2009 at 1:47 am
Over and done with before the five minute mark. And we both love it that way.
April 18th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Sex with my wife….10 mins….that’s what she likes.
Sex with my mistress…….3 to 4 hours……that’s what she likes.
Either way…..I am not complianing
April 18th, 2009 at 3:43 am
That really depends on how to count forplay. My wife and I often play and tease for 10-15 minutes (sometimes longer if we start-stop-start again) before we go “at it”. But the intercoursepart is often over in minutes (the longer the forplay the faster the act)
But a good article nevertheless. Kill those porno-induced fairy-tales of hour-long uninteresting pumping and boring stereotypes.
April 18th, 2009 at 8:21 am
[...] hours ago How long great sex really lasts http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2... [...]
April 18th, 2009 at 11:55 am
It depends on what your definition of sex is. If the answer is “actual penetration, intercourse” then it depends on your man. It is all about foreplay. Foreplay can start by sending a sexy text message to your partner at the beginning of the day. It is all about anticipation.
I understand that you might not have time for the eye gazing and the tantric sex. It is worth making the time. It may not be an every day activity but it is like getting the full meal deal. Quickies like Chinese food leave me hungry shortly afterwards, tantric sex is like getting the fine dining experience.
April 18th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
[...] hours ago How Long Does Great Sex Really Last? http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2... [...]
April 18th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I’ve been married 9 years and I love sex. But, I find it almost impossible to believe that some of these people have had sex for five hours at a time. Statistics show that tons of women have never had an orgasm with their and yet everyone that’s commented here not only have them regularly but most seem to experience 3 hour sex on a regular basis. My wife and I usually have sex 2 to 3 times a week and it lasts maybe 15 min IF we go slow. I have no problem lasting and more often than not she finishes first. But that’s perfect for us. If I go long periods of time or more than twice in a row my penis will be sore the next day. So unless i’ve got something wrong with me, someone is fibbing.
April 19th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Sex for me *has* to be quick. My partner and I don’t live together. In fact, he’s my [ex] Husband, and he lives with someone else (long story). We have once a week together, about 4 to 5 hours, and in that time, he has to run me to the grocery store, help me do any *man* things around the house that need to be done, and actually try to get some quality time in together. So yeah, 5 minutes is great sex for us. And it’s REALLY great. Best sex we’ve ever had. We don’t need longer than that, we really don’t. I orgasm, he orgasms, it’s GREAT.
And really, if it starts to go past 10, 15 minutes or so, it’s like, “Come on, enough already!” I have entirely too much else to do, and my body really just cannot handle marathon sex anymore! Heck, a few months ago, we did do a mini-marathon and lasted an hour… and I was sore, and he was raw the next few days! And then had to try to come up with a cover story for his girlfriend as to why he couldn’t have sex with her…
April 19th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Anyonne who thinks this isn’t desirable, doesn’t think think it’s possible, or thinks it would get boring or hurt….I feel for you!!!! The ART, and that’s what it is… of making love should be treated like so. It’s Wt can most definatelt be all the you fantasize it to be and then some…I guess I’m one of the lucky ones… and I’m spoiled! But I spoil in return as well…
April 20th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
As a mom in a newish (2.5) years, with the butterflies still strong and all that, our sexual sessions last around 30 minutes tops, maybe not even that. I agree with this article, and to the woman who bangs her ex husband, while he’s with someone else… please… you may think it sounds okay, but it really just makes you seem like a home-wrecking whore.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Sex is something as individual as a signature. I’ve been with men who couldn’t last long and I’ve been with men who lasted longer than I had the energy for. No one should feel bad (or superior) about how long they go at it. I gotta say tho, we have an 18 year old and a 9 year old and routinely have sex for about an hour or so on average every other night unless its “that time of the month for me.” And on those days, he still gets his. I have multiple orgasms and he likes to give me one of every kind if he can. On “marathon” nights we can go at it for 3 hours or more. Don’t accuse people of “fibbing” just because something hasn’t been your personal experience.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:53 am
[...] How Long Great Sex Really Lasts, a blog I wrote a while ago, became wildly popular late last week, generating thousands of page views and lots of comments from single men who I can only assume are still in their 20s. [...]
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Thinking about this, sex is like eating. Sometimes you want a quickie snack; sometimes you want to spend the time to enjoy a full course, fulfilling meal.
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I am pretty sure all the people who describe long hours of love making or all nighters are:1. Lying 2. Unclear (as in they have multiple sessions in a two hour period) 3. Living in a fantasy world instead of the apartment with their cats.
April 29th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
It really depends on the two partners, what everyone is saying is correct in their own sense. But sex has nothing to do with whats normal, what other people are doing, or what others expect from you. Its ALLLL about you and your partner and how you choose to please one another. Now if, both parties are satisfied with a quickie then thats great…if not then there will be a problem.
Regardless of what Sexperts and Psychologists say some people enjoy long lasting sex. I personally enjoy having frequent sex and how long the sex will last depends on how aroused the man can make me. There is nothing like having multiple orgasms all night long and nothing beats being comfortable enough with your partner to really find ways of pleasing each other.
To try to put sexual activity in a box is absurd and its amazing how people try to do that.
YOU CAN’T PUT SEX IN A BOX WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!!!!!
So none of you are wrong, and none of you should feel weird for liking what you like. If you are unhappy with your sex life thats a whole different story. But please people, stop thinking your way is the only way. To me this article seemed like she was trying to not only justify herself but also to make others feel abnormal for what they like. There are woman who enjoy having sex for an extended period of time and clearly there are ones who don’t. Live and let live.
May 15th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Nice website and good informative article. but all i want to say that it varies from person to person some takes ussaualy longer time then the others
Thanks for the information.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:43 am
I agree with Kish. If I’ve got the time 45 mins to an hour is nice. Even two hours, on those extra special occasions. Then again I’m a university student with some time on my hands. If you’ve got places to go and people to see 15 minutes is fine too. I would never cut it shorter than 10 mins though. If I have just a spare 10 minutes, I’d use it to read the paper.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
well …. i really need to be touched loved and have sex last for more than 14 seconds what is so wrong with that?
May 24th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
actually i use to make love at least for 45 minutes some time to 2,3,hours,long time more enjoyment
May 28th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I have sex for 30-60 mins. I like to take my time. Taking off her clothes is very enjoyable for me, so is kissing, fondling, oral, etc. Besides that my dick works better if there is foreplay. For me a quickie is 10-20 mins. Normal is 30-60, and if we’re feeling frisky we’ll go for over an hour.
This is a different situation than in the past, since we all know that every woman is different when it comes to stimulation. I’ve spent 45 mins just on oral with a woman who was inexperienced and had pretty significant vaginal issues, but it was well worth it. I’ve had sex with women who were “done” in less than 10 mins. It varies so dramatically from person to person and couple to couple that there is no such thing as a standard like 10 mins or 4 hours. Some people can get it on all night if they want and some people can’t get it on at all.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:54 am
[...] 10 minutes is pretty much all we can be bothered with. In fact, it’s even been proven by a study. So, [...]
August 27th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
My wife and I usually start getting rub rash after about 20 minutes of hardcore lovemaking, so I would have to say the optimal penetration session (lovemaking entails everything from pre-foreplay sex talk, foreplay, penetration, afterplay and naked cuddling) for me is no more than 15 minutes tops, 10 minutes preferable.