Can a cheating spouse ever reform?
Q: My husband has cheated on me many, many times. I don’t think he’ll ever stop. I know I should leave him, but I can’t. I still love him! There is no one else I’d rather be with! So I’m wondering: will he ever stop cheating? Am I just wasting my time? How can I mend my broken marriage?—Please Make Him Stop
Dear Please Make Him Stop,
There’s one thing I can say about my husband with great certainty. He’s not a cheater. I’ve never once caught him checking out another woman. He doesn’t have female friends. He doesn’t flirt. It’s just not in his DNA.
Because of this, I found your question very tough to answer. Will your husband ever stop cheating? Perhaps, but probably only if you Bobbit him. (Please know that I am not suggesting this as a remedy to your problem.)
But what do I know? Really. This is out of my area of experience.
For a credible opinion on the matter, I turned to a friend who was once in your exact situation. Her first husband cheated on her repeatedly. She was a stay at home mom who raised three kids. He was a dad who wanted to do it with any woman but his wife.
I sent her your question. Here’s her advice:
You’ve already answered some of your own questions. You say, “He’s cheated on me numerous times.” You say, “I don’t think he’ll ever stop.” Go with your gut. You already know that staying with your husband any longer is just a waste of precious time. You deserve better treatment, a better relationship, and a better life. Your children will respect you more and have a better self esteem if they see that you will not allow yourself to be made unhappy and abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.
He is choosing to cheat on you. You might think this is about the other woman, that they hold some power over him. It’s not about the women, though. It’s about him. He’s choosing not to exert self control.
You say you love him. Can you love him with the cheating part of his personality? Because that’s who he is. My first husband had the same personality issues. At first, I was like you. I thought I could mend my marriage, I thought I could change myself so that he wouldn’t think these other women were so great. I have 3 kids, grown now, and I didn’t want my family to break up. I didn’t want to lose my dreams about the future that I had envisioned. But, after too long of a time I finally became so disgusted that I realized that anything would be better than living with a cheating, lying husband. I wanted my peace of mind back. I wanted my children to live in a peaceful atmosphere. I have never regretted filing for divorce. I do regret taking so long to do it.
See? She’s great. I think her advice is right on the money. The only thing I would add is this. I think your main problem is a lack of self esteem and self worth. You don’t realize that you deserve better. The day you realize that? You will become a powerful woman.
Do you have any advice for Please Make Him Stop? Leave a comment.
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Tags: cheating
July 1st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I absolutely agree that it is a self-esteem and self-worth issue. That’s also why people attract cheaters, jerks, and so on.
I went through a 4-year a**hole streak once. They were all selfish, emotionally unsatisfying, rude and blatantly hurtful guys. But I had emotional issues of my own and preferred periodic fights and crying to being alone. That was the core issue, not love. That and a pretty damn low self-esteem.
Then, one summer, everything changed. It happened when I started viewing myself differently and demanding what I wanted (that’s also when I began doing yoga — coincidence? Maybe.). I felt confident enough to say “no” and “good bye” when I wasn’t happy. And suddenly I started meeting and dating guys who were, well, _too_ caring, doting, and loving. Which was a better problem to have.
I’ve found a middle ground since then, fortunately!
It’s a learning process of self-respect. One of the main keys: don’t take any sh*t.
July 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Infidelity makes me sick, and I really feel for you. :-/
Just as island-vacation attire, a relaxed schedule, and care-free attitude wouldn’t hold up for long for a person in their professional “real life” in the big city, the same holds true for extramarital affairs. If they had to hold strong under the pressures of kids, financial issues, job stress, and every other aspect of day to day living, they wouldn’t seem as fun—and they wouldn’t last.
Affairs may seem fun and exciting to the cheating spouse, but once you take away the fantasy aspect and try to throw in all of the real stuff that your marriage has to withstand, the fun quickly dissipates.
Until your spouse can come back to reality and realize why he keeps trying to drift away to fantasy island (in addition to understanding and actively pursuing what he needs to do to try to make your marriage work again), there is no reason to suspect the behavior will stop.
You deserve a partner who is going to work hard with you, in REAL LIFE, to build a happy, fulfilling marriage together. Tell him to shape up and figure out if he really thinks he can recommit to that idea. If he decides he can’t, make a decision to put YOUR happiness and peace of mind first.
A partner in a marriage deserves respect…if you aren’t getting it, get out!
Hope that helps!
July 1st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Like many affairs, this one sounds rooted in the behavior of both people in the marriage. Is there any communication going on about this at all? Did a “marriage” ever really exist? I think addressing her self-esteem problem should be the priority for PMHS. The right course of action would probably be more apparent to her. I suspect that she’s not yet discovered some things about her personality or relationships.
I disagree with Laura. I’m not sure PMHS DESERVES a partner who is going to work hard with her to build a happy marriage. If you don’t respect yourself, you can’t hope that anyone else will. Whether she loves her husband or not, she and he are both making choices. She must take responsibility for own happiness.
July 1st, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I remember reading once that if a spouse cheats once it’s usually an indication there’s a problem in the marriage and it’s worth fixing. However if they cheat repeatedly it’s a problem in the person (the cheater) and they’ll never change.
Having been in a relationship years ago with a guy who repeatedly cheated on me, I say get out now. Go build your self-esteem, learn to love yourself for your own strengths and qualities. Get rid of the jerk who is abusing your good nature and love. By staying there you are enabling his behaviour.
Good luck, and I wish a much better life for you!
July 1st, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Once a spouse cheats the work involved in forgiving, moving on, repairing the damage, and changing values and behaviors is enormous. Statistics show that once they cheat the BIGGEST problem, is that they will do it again.
Reform takes a huge leap of faith and soul searching. It can be done, but the odds aren’t very favorable.
Spend MORE time communicating and make sure every once in a while, those conversations are deep and non-judgemental.
I am a reformed cheater and my issues were pretty deep seated. The in-depth conversations we had immediately after the affair and for the years that followed were ones that most people would flip out on…I mean we covered every sick fantasy and issue that we both had. We held back NOTHING. And THAT is the only solution, even if you don’t stay together, that works in the long run.
Keep the communication open and flowing freely. No matter what happens, that aspect of the relationship can be healed married or divorced.
makeyourwifehot.com/bragblog
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:06 am
I have to say this advice is spot on. While I have never technically been married I was you could say common law married (for 8 years) My partner cheated and I tried to forgive and forget and then she did it again. My view is once a cheater, always a cheater and that definitely does not make for a healthy relationship. Also once the trust is broken you can never really get it back no matter how hard you try. In retrospect I should have ended it right away after the first act of cheating, but on the bright side I have learned from this and I know what to do if I find myself in this situation again.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:38 am
There is no one else I’d rather be with, that is a telling statement. How about a man who loves you and is faithful to you, would you not rather be the latter. In my country, HIV AIDS is a real reality and one major consideration is being exposed to it. What happens to the children when both parents are sick or even gone?
Secondly, you are enabling him. He knows he can get away with it and he knows you love him and will always forgive him. You say he has cheated on you many times, I assume with different people, thus it is not even an affair he fell into accidentally (co-worker, neighbour, friend) but he choose to be unfaithful severally. Why allow somebody to treat you so poorly? Human nature being what it is, quickly becomes entitled. If you keep giving to someone, the person begins to feel entitled and they stop valueing that which you are giving them. If your husband knows that the condition to being with you, is him being faithful, chances are he will be faithful or if he is not, he will go to extra-ordinary lengths to hide it from you.
As someone has stated earlier, people treat you the way you allow them to and you are responsible for your own life and happiness. Decide what you can or wont do for love. go for counselling, keep up with friends, get a hobby, pray (it helps) and you will have the strength to draw the boundaries in your marriage.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 am
Women never think of what a life and death issue this is for them! About what a man brings home from his affairs, multiple women, who have also had many partners possibly — and what he brings back to your bed. your body. from all these strangers.
We never think of that–the std’s that go undiagnosed or treated, or worse– things that leave you with medical complications, like infertility? or cancer?
If he is who he is- you cannot make him change, you cannot make him love you enough- to stop, you must love yourself and see you deserve a better life than this.
I lost my best friend to Ovarian cancer this month, and her husband was a sex addict – with women all over the world as he travelled- I know she gave up so much in her marriage financially- as he spent $$$ for his own pleasure– and she didn’t find any of this out until after she was diagnosed– ( yes the cancer ran in her family) but– she did have herpes etc diagnosed after this came out– and women are so ashamed they won’t even consider their own health risks and what it costs them and their children — all from one spouse who cheats repeatedly.
Women Love yourself and your children- save yourself- be careful.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
You guys have all raised REALLY GREAT points. Thanks for weighing in here, especially those of you who mentioned the issue with STDs! So huge. That’s actually how someone I know knew for sure her husband was cheating. She was diagnosed with an STD and he was the only man she’d been with.
July 5th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
@Alisa,
Catching an STD from a cheating spouse has got to be the worst. Ewww I’d be so pissed. lol
July 6th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
*puts on flame retardant suit* (I know I’m going to get blasted for this)
Please Make Him Stop,
Your husband has sex with other women repeatedly. You are aware of this fact. You are still with him. Even though you may have expressed displeasure at his actions, you are still with him. As far as he is concerned, you have indicated it is OK, there will be no major consequence.
Unlike others on this site, I will not tell you to leave him. I will ask you to look at yourself honestly, and ask if maybe, just maybe, you actually prefer it this way. Perhaps you are a couple better suited to swinging or having an open relationship. I couldn’t possibly say for sure without knowing you both far better.
Does your husband still have an appetite for you? You love him still, do you have an appetite for him? Are you both still considerate, kind, and enjoy each others company in general? If so, the requirement that you have a monogamous marriage is up to you and your husband alone…no one else. If you can be happy with him, and not be monogamous, what business is that of anyone else?
I will say that I agree with the others on this post, that he will not stop. But that doesn’t mean you have to leave if you can be happy with him anyway. But that is up to you and your own values, not those of people giving advice on the internet.
Do what your gut and your heart tell you is right, but don’t be afraid to do something no one else will agree with if it will make you happy.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
If your husband continues to cheat on you, then YOU are the problem. This is not an accusation….simply a statement of fact. I had problems with my wife after our first child came along. She lost interest in sex and would only make it with me just before and after her period. As a result I looked outside our marriage for the sex I wasn’t getting at home.
We found out what the problem was after a few years. She went off the pill and suddenly regained her libido. Since then I have been wearing condoms and our sex life is back to normal. As a result, I am no longer interested in other women.
Of course, this might not be a solution for you if you are not already on the pill. If not, then you need to examine yourself. Are you presenting yourself to your husband to make him interested in you? Maybe you need to change your look…new clothes, or reducing weight. I don’t know what your problem is, but if your husband continually wants other women then he is obviously not happy with you. It is said the best recipe for a successful marriage is for a woman to be a virgin in public and a whore in the bedroom. Maybe that is what you need too.
In the end, if you love your man and want to stay with him, then you can either change yourself, or do nothing and accept his behavior. But by making changes you stand a very good chance that he will stop philandering. It’s up to you. I wish you luck.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Reformed man: I’m curious if your wife knows about your affairs and whether she thinks they are her fault?
For the record, while I see where you are coming from, I’ve met a few people who just can’t remain faithful to one person, no matter how hot that person is in the bedroom. They just don’t have the self control. I understand about super long dry spells. I know many men who have suffered through them, some staying monogamous and some not. But I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here, do you?
July 18th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Very wise advice. I was married for 15 years to a man who could not resist having affairs. We tried counseling, and he would talk a good game about reforming, not wanting to lose me, etc. But cheating truly was in his DNA and he would always revert back to his philandering. I suffered through it so long because of the kids and my feelings of financial and emotional dependence upon my husband. He hypocritically complained about any male friend I had to the point where my only social friends were his friends. My self-esteem ultimately bottomed out, and I left him.
My advice to any woman suffering the emotional abuse of serial infidelity is to take a deep breath, overcome your natural fears of leaving and of change, and break free. You will feel empowered as never before.
July 25th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
@ d moment,im actually going thru wat dis woman is going thru,as i type dis message,im sleeping in d sitting room on d 3 seater cos i cant help being on d same bed with d man who has been cheating on me for two yrs with d same lady.I feel like my entire world has come to a stand still cos i found out again they r still together,after he has made me believe he hadnt seen her for a long time.
Now im trying to face reality,and as they say majority carries d vote,everybody’s advice has been similar on dis blog,and i really hope n pray dat i can stick to it,afterall,wats luv if its just one sided????
I say a big thank u to all of u who have left a comment,u guys just made my nite….i hope to find d real n true love.
August 16th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
In response to Will my husband ever stop cheating, the answer is not as easy as yes or no. It depends on the type of man that he is. There are some men that are all about their families, love their wives with their whole heart, but when they step out and the situation arises, the man can mentally separate himself as if he were another person, he can be with the woman because he is aroused and he likes the excitement. He does the deed and can completely separate the event as if it weren’t real because he loves his wife. He will come up with a lie or a story in case he gets caught and he will go over it so many times, he actually believes it to be true. They will never tell the truth of the event, no matter what because they do not want to lose their families because he really does love them. This is the type of situation I dealt with with my husband. I know he does it to spare my feelings and he doesn’t want to believe he is the type of man that will do that to his wife and family. My husband goes to church approximately 5 days a week. The guilt I think eats him. He truly believes that I do not know what happened, but I do. As one of the responders said above, your gut feeling is your best tool.
Even though he goes to such great lengths to cover it up, lie about it, keep from wife to spare her feelings and not to risk his life as he knows it, he will do it again (yes my husband did it many times). It is the excitement of a new woman that is too hard to say no to. The good news is, as he gets older, his drive for this behavior has decreased due to decreased sex drive that comes with age. It doesn’t make it better or erase any wrong doings that have occurred through the entire marriage, but he does realize how much he loves you and how much you love him for standing by him for so many years. At this point, the marriage can even become better than ever and you rbecome the husband and wife you should have been from the start.
Then there is the type of man who is married, loved his wife at one time, but really could care less about the consequences that come with the reckless, and disrespectable behavior that he continues to display. He doesn’t have any regard for his wife finding out because he knows her self esteem is low and she will not leave him. He will portray the fact that he is single, he will try to achieve the life of a single man, he will go out with his “friends” constantly. Some of those times he may actually be with his friends, but most of the time not. He does not fear that his wife may pop in at the local bar where he drinks because he already has a story to tell if she finds him with another woman. It’s his friend’s girl and he just kept her company until his friend showed up. He will convince his wife of it. She will leave and he will make out with the girl. He wants everyone in the bar to know how slick he is. He is very bold. This behavior will never stop. Because he continues to get away with his actions, he enjoys the chase, he has no regard for the wife and her feelings, the cheating will continue for as long as the man wants. It will only end by the wife leaving because she finally follows her gut and believes in herself and grows tired of the insecurity of the marriage or the husband grows tired of his own actions and he realizes the hurt and pain he causes everyone. If the husband reaches this revelation before the marriage is ended, he actually has a chance of redeeming himself and saving the marriage. At this point the husband will show signs of remorse and regret. He may never admit to his actions, however his behavior will prove that he is trying to repair all he had broken. My husband displayed this by going to church about 5 days a week. He used to only go twice a month. He gears himself for more family events than I can keep up with. He wants the kids to have the greatest life ever. He has become the husband that I thought I married. He and I spend so much more time together then ever before. With age, he and I both have found that we are more in tune with each other, we appreciate each other, we really are in love and love each other respectfully.
A not so common way a man ends his own cheating habits is discovering the pain of being a victim. The wife has been hurt so many times that she decides that she will find someone that appreciates her and will treat her better, plus she wants her husband to find out about her infidelity so that he may experience just an ounce of what she felt over the years. The wife pretty much has an “eye for an eye” attitude. Sometimes the wife doesn’t even expect the husband to care one way or another that she was unfaithful. I have heard this many times, with the situation going both ways. It will just be the “straw that broke the camel’s back” and the marriage ends; or the man begins to suspect that the woman is cheating and he becomes full of various feelings including rage, and grows jealous, hurt like never before, sick to stomach, resent and remorse for his own actions, guilty because he believes he drove her to it, and most of all realizes by the pain he experiences that he loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her. After he confront the wife, the wife replies the same way he did for years by denying everything. In her own way, she is confirming what she did, he realizes the truth of her denial and knows he can’t confront her because than he will be admitting all he has denied for years. The husband has to look past what she has done and decides to do everything in his power to make the marriage work and be a better husband. He now knows how much he loves her and never wants to loose her. He vows to himself and his wife to that end. She is very willing to work it out because she does love him, which by staying with him through his reckless behavior is proof of her love. She may and probably does regret cheating, but she did enjoy it and thinks it was worth it because it helped save her marriage.
These are my personal opinions and experiences. I have expeienced most of it myself, but for the few things I didn’t, my sister has. The thing that I have learned is that YOU MUST FIRST LOVE YOURSELF. YOU ARE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY. YOU CAN NOT SUCCESSFUL AS A WIFE, A MOTHER, OR LIFE GENERAL IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF. WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO BE GOOD TO YOURSELF AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE CONTROL OF, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. YOU WILL HAVE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS WITH EVERONE IN YOUR LIFE.
Patience, respect, trust, and love are the key ingredients to a better, happier, stronger relationship. Your relationship should be defined by you and your partner, not by society telling you this is how it should be. No person is 100% identical to another, so why does society believe and preach that all relationships should follow an identical criteria. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS UNIQUE. REMEMBER HOW YOU CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER, LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND COPE WITH DIFFICULTIES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ARE ALSO UNIQUE.
I hope that I have helped someone, somewhere by sharing my opinions and personal story.