Q: My husband has cheated on me many, many times. I don’t think he’ll ever stop. I know I should leave him, but I can’t. I still love him! There is no one else I’d rather be with! So I’m wondering: will he ever stop cheating? Am I just wasting my time? How can I mend my broken marriage?—Please Make Him Stop
Dear Please Make Him Stop,
There’s one thing I can say about my husband with great certainty. He’s not a cheater. I’ve never once caught him checking out another woman. He doesn’t have female friends. He doesn’t flirt. It’s just not in his DNA.
Because of this, I found your question very tough to answer. Will your husband ever stop cheating? Perhaps, but probably only if you Bobbit him. (Please know that I am not suggesting this as a remedy to your problem.)
But what do I know? Really. This is out of my area of experience.
For a credible opinion on the matter, I turned to a friend who was once in your exact situation. Her first husband cheated on her repeatedly. She was a stay at home mom who raised three kids. He was a dad who wanted to do it with any woman but his wife.
I sent her your question. Here’s her advice:
You’ve already answered some of your own questions. You say, “He’s cheated on me numerous times.” You say, “I don’t think he’ll ever stop.” Go with your gut. You already know that staying with your husband any longer is just a waste of precious time. You deserve better treatment, a better relationship, and a better life. Your children will respect you more and have a better self esteem if they see that you will not allow yourself to be made unhappy and abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.
He is choosing to cheat on you. You might think this is about the other woman, that they hold some power over him. It’s not about the women, though. It’s about him. He’s choosing not to exert self control.
You say you love him. Can you love him with the cheating part of his personality? Because that’s who he is. My first husband had the same personality issues. At first, I was like you. I thought I could mend my marriage, I thought I could change myself so that he wouldn’t think these other women were so great. I have 3 kids, grown now, and I didn’t want my family to break up. I didn’t want to lose my dreams about the future that I had envisioned. But, after too long of a time I finally became so disgusted that I realized that anything would be better than living with a cheating, lying husband. I wanted my peace of mind back. I wanted my children to live in a peaceful atmosphere. I have never regretted filing for divorce. I do regret taking so long to do it.
See? She’s great. I think her advice is right on the money. The only thing I would add is this. I think your main problem is a lack of self esteem and self worth. You don’t realize that you deserve better. The day you realize that? You will become a powerful woman.
Do you have any advice for Please Make Him Stop? Leave a comment.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I absolutely agree that it is a self-esteem and self-worth issue. That’s also why people attract cheaters, jerks, and so on.
I went through a 4-year a**hole streak once. They were all selfish, emotionally unsatisfying, rude and blatantly hurtful guys. But I had emotional issues of my own and preferred periodic fights and crying to being alone. That was the core issue, not love. That and a pretty damn low self-esteem.
Then, one summer, everything changed. It happened when I started viewing myself differently and demanding what I wanted (that’s also when I began doing yoga — coincidence? Maybe.). I felt confident enough to say “no” and “good bye” when I wasn’t happy. And suddenly I started meeting and dating guys who were, well, _too_ caring, doting, and loving. Which was a better problem to have.
I’ve found a middle ground since then, fortunately!
It’s a learning process of self-respect. One of the main keys: don’t take any sh*t.
natalie’s right. It may be hard, but once you stop holding onto what you WANT to see and what REALLY is in front of you, seeing yourself differently will happen.
Sounds like it’s time to move on. Good luck with your decision!
Infidelity makes me sick, and I really feel for you. :-/
Just as island-vacation attire, a relaxed schedule, and care-free attitude wouldn’t hold up for long for a person in their professional “real life” in the big city, the same holds true for extramarital affairs. If they had to hold strong under the pressures of kids, financial issues, job stress, and every other aspect of day to day living, they wouldn’t seem as fun—and they wouldn’t last.
Affairs may seem fun and exciting to the cheating spouse, but once you take away the fantasy aspect and try to throw in all of the real stuff that your marriage has to withstand, the fun quickly dissipates.
Until your spouse can come back to reality and realize why he keeps trying to drift away to fantasy island (in addition to understanding and actively pursuing what he needs to do to try to make your marriage work again), there is no reason to suspect the behavior will stop.
You deserve a partner who is going to work hard with you, in REAL LIFE, to build a happy, fulfilling marriage together. Tell him to shape up and figure out if he really thinks he can recommit to that idea. If he decides he can’t, make a decision to put YOUR happiness and peace of mind first.
A partner in a marriage deserves respect…if you aren’t getting it, get out!
Hope that helps!
Like many affairs, this one sounds rooted in the behavior of both people in the marriage. Is there any communication going on about this at all? Did a “marriage” ever really exist? I think addressing her self-esteem problem should be the priority for PMHS. The right course of action would probably be more apparent to her. I suspect that she’s not yet discovered some things about her personality or relationships.
I disagree with Laura. I’m not sure PMHS DESERVES a partner who is going to work hard with her to build a happy marriage. If you don’t respect yourself, you can’t hope that anyone else will. Whether she loves her husband or not, she and he are both making choices. She must take responsibility for own happiness.
I remember reading once that if a spouse cheats once it’s usually an indication there’s a problem in the marriage and it’s worth fixing. However if they cheat repeatedly it’s a problem in the person (the cheater) and they’ll never change.
Having been in a relationship years ago with a guy who repeatedly cheated on me, I say get out now. Go build your self-esteem, learn to love yourself for your own strengths and qualities. Get rid of the jerk who is abusing your good nature and love. By staying there you are enabling his behaviour.
Good luck, and I wish a much better life for you!
Once a spouse cheats the work involved in forgiving, moving on, repairing the damage, and changing values and behaviors is enormous. Statistics show that once they cheat the BIGGEST problem, is that they will do it again.
Reform takes a huge leap of faith and soul searching. It can be done, but the odds aren’t very favorable.
Spend MORE time communicating and make sure every once in a while, those conversations are deep and non-judgemental.
I am a reformed cheater and my issues were pretty deep seated. The in-depth conversations we had immediately after the affair and for the years that followed were ones that most people would flip out on…I mean we covered every sick fantasy and issue that we both had. We held back NOTHING. And THAT is the only solution, even if you don’t stay together, that works in the long run.
Keep the communication open and flowing freely. No matter what happens, that aspect of the relationship can be healed married or divorced.
makeyourwifehot.com/bragblog
I have to say this advice is spot on. While I have never technically been married I was you could say common law married (for 8 years) My partner cheated and I tried to forgive and forget and then she did it again. My view is once a cheater, always a cheater and that definitely does not make for a healthy relationship. Also once the trust is broken you can never really get it back no matter how hard you try. In retrospect I should have ended it right away after the first act of cheating, but on the bright side I have learned from this and I know what to do if I find myself in this situation again.
There is no one else I’d rather be with, that is a telling statement. How about a man who loves you and is faithful to you, would you not rather be the latter. In my country, HIV AIDS is a real reality and one major consideration is being exposed to it. What happens to the children when both parents are sick or even gone?
Secondly, you are enabling him. He knows he can get away with it and he knows you love him and will always forgive him. You say he has cheated on you many times, I assume with different people, thus it is not even an affair he fell into accidentally (co-worker, neighbour, friend) but he choose to be unfaithful severally. Why allow somebody to treat you so poorly? Human nature being what it is, quickly becomes entitled. If you keep giving to someone, the person begins to feel entitled and they stop valueing that which you are giving them. If your husband knows that the condition to being with you, is him being faithful, chances are he will be faithful or if he is not, he will go to extra-ordinary lengths to hide it from you.
As someone has stated earlier, people treat you the way you allow them to and you are responsible for your own life and happiness. Decide what you can or wont do for love. go for counselling, keep up with friends, get a hobby, pray (it helps) and you will have the strength to draw the boundaries in your marriage.
Women never think of what a life and death issue this is for them! About what a man brings home from his affairs, multiple women, who have also had many partners possibly — and what he brings back to your bed. your body. from all these strangers.
We never think of that–the std’s that go undiagnosed or treated, or worse– things that leave you with medical complications, like infertility? or cancer?
If he is who he is- you cannot make him change, you cannot make him love you enough- to stop, you must love yourself and see you deserve a better life than this.
I lost my best friend to Ovarian cancer this month, and her husband was a sex addict – with women all over the world as he travelled- I know she gave up so much in her marriage financially- as he spent $$$ for his own pleasure– and she didn’t find any of this out until after she was diagnosed– ( yes the cancer ran in her family) but– she did have herpes etc diagnosed after this came out– and women are so ashamed they won’t even consider their own health risks and what it costs them and their children — all from one spouse who cheats repeatedly.
Women Love yourself and your children- save yourself- be careful.
You guys have all raised REALLY GREAT points. Thanks for weighing in here, especially those of you who mentioned the issue with STDs! So huge. That’s actually how someone I know knew for sure her husband was cheating. She was diagnosed with an STD and he was the only man she’d been with.
@Alisa,
Catching an STD from a cheating spouse has got to be the worst. Ewww I’d be so pissed. lol
*puts on flame retardant suit* (I know I’m going to get blasted for this)
Please Make Him Stop,
Your husband has sex with other women repeatedly. You are aware of this fact. You are still with him. Even though you may have expressed displeasure at his actions, you are still with him. As far as he is concerned, you have indicated it is OK, there will be no major consequence.
Unlike others on this site, I will not tell you to leave him. I will ask you to look at yourself honestly, and ask if maybe, just maybe, you actually prefer it this way. Perhaps you are a couple better suited to swinging or having an open relationship. I couldn’t possibly say for sure without knowing you both far better.
Does your husband still have an appetite for you? You love him still, do you have an appetite for him? Are you both still considerate, kind, and enjoy each others company in general? If so, the requirement that you have a monogamous marriage is up to you and your husband alone…no one else. If you can be happy with him, and not be monogamous, what business is that of anyone else?
I will say that I agree with the others on this post, that he will not stop. But that doesn’t mean you have to leave if you can be happy with him anyway. But that is up to you and your own values, not those of people giving advice on the internet.
Do what your gut and your heart tell you is right, but don’t be afraid to do something no one else will agree with if it will make you happy.
If your husband continues to cheat on you, then YOU are the problem. This is not an accusation….simply a statement of fact. I had problems with my wife after our first child came along. She lost interest in sex and would only make it with me just before and after her period. As a result I looked outside our marriage for the sex I wasn’t getting at home.
We found out what the problem was after a few years. She went off the pill and suddenly regained her libido. Since then I have been wearing condoms and our sex life is back to normal. As a result, I am no longer interested in other women.
Of course, this might not be a solution for you if you are not already on the pill. If not, then you need to examine yourself. Are you presenting yourself to your husband to make him interested in you? Maybe you need to change your look…new clothes, or reducing weight. I don’t know what your problem is, but if your husband continually wants other women then he is obviously not happy with you. It is said the best recipe for a successful marriage is for a woman to be a virgin in public and a whore in the bedroom. Maybe that is what you need too.
In the end, if you love your man and want to stay with him, then you can either change yourself, or do nothing and accept his behavior. But by making changes you stand a very good chance that he will stop philandering. It’s up to you. I wish you luck.
Reformed man: I’m curious if your wife knows about your affairs and whether she thinks they are her fault?
For the record, while I see where you are coming from, I’ve met a few people who just can’t remain faithful to one person, no matter how hot that person is in the bedroom. They just don’t have the self control. I understand about super long dry spells. I know many men who have suffered through them, some staying monogamous and some not. But I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here, do you?
I DON’T THINK YOUR REALLY REFORMED. A MARRIAGE IS FOR BETTER OR WORSE AND WHEN YOUR WIFE IS NOT IN THE MOOD YOU SIMPLY SUPPORT HER AND WAIT THAT’S TRUE LOVE. I DON’T THINK IT OK WITH YOUR WIFE ETHEIR THAT YOU BASICALLY PUT HER ON BLAST SAYING IT’S HER FAULT THAT WERE THE WEAK LINK IN YOUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE SHE WAS ON THE PILL.. RIDICULOUS THINKING PLS COME AGAIN?
@ Reformed Man,
I disagree that the woman is to blame. We all have our own will. I was having sex with my husband 3 and four times a day. He could have me anyway he wanted and any place, but he still had energy to be sleeping with two other women. I refuse to take the blame for his actions. He gave me an Std when I was pregnant with my 3rd child and when she was three moths old, he gave me herpes. I can care less whether not he has someone now. My plan is to divorce him, I’m just waiting for that door to open. After all, I have my kids to support. He refuses to believe it, but that is on him.
Very wise advice. I was married for 15 years to a man who could not resist having affairs. We tried counseling, and he would talk a good game about reforming, not wanting to lose me, etc. But cheating truly was in his DNA and he would always revert back to his philandering. I suffered through it so long because of the kids and my feelings of financial and emotional dependence upon my husband. He hypocritically complained about any male friend I had to the point where my only social friends were his friends. My self-esteem ultimately bottomed out, and I left him.
My advice to any woman suffering the emotional abuse of serial infidelity is to take a deep breath, overcome your natural fears of leaving and of change, and break free. You will feel empowered as never before.
YES!
@ d moment,im actually going thru wat dis woman is going thru,as i type dis message,im sleeping in d sitting room on d 3 seater cos i cant help being on d same bed with d man who has been cheating on me for two yrs with d same lady.I feel like my entire world has come to a stand still cos i found out again they r still together,after he has made me believe he hadnt seen her for a long time.
Now im trying to face reality,and as they say majority carries d vote,everybody’s advice has been similar on dis blog,and i really hope n pray dat i can stick to it,afterall,wats luv if its just one sided????
I say a big thank u to all of u who have left a comment,u guys just made my nite….i hope to find d real n true love.
In response to Will my husband ever stop cheating, the answer is not as easy as yes or no. It depends on the type of man that he is. There are some men that are all about their families, love their wives with their whole heart, but when they step out and the situation arises, the man can mentally separate himself as if he were another person, he can be with the woman because he is aroused and he likes the excitement. He does the deed and can completely separate the event as if it weren’t real because he loves his wife. He will come up with a lie or a story in case he gets caught and he will go over it so many times, he actually believes it to be true. They will never tell the truth of the event, no matter what because they do not want to lose their families because he really does love them. This is the type of situation I dealt with with my husband. I know he does it to spare my feelings and he doesn’t want to believe he is the type of man that will do that to his wife and family. My husband goes to church approximately 5 days a week. The guilt I think eats him. He truly believes that I do not know what happened, but I do. As one of the responders said above, your gut feeling is your best tool.
Even though he goes to such great lengths to cover it up, lie about it, keep from wife to spare her feelings and not to risk his life as he knows it, he will do it again (yes my husband did it many times). It is the excitement of a new woman that is too hard to say no to. The good news is, as he gets older, his drive for this behavior has decreased due to decreased sex drive that comes with age. It doesn’t make it better or erase any wrong doings that have occurred through the entire marriage, but he does realize how much he loves you and how much you love him for standing by him for so many years. At this point, the marriage can even become better than ever and you rbecome the husband and wife you should have been from the start.
Then there is the type of man who is married, loved his wife at one time, but really could care less about the consequences that come with the reckless, and disrespectable behavior that he continues to display. He doesn’t have any regard for his wife finding out because he knows her self esteem is low and she will not leave him. He will portray the fact that he is single, he will try to achieve the life of a single man, he will go out with his “friends” constantly. Some of those times he may actually be with his friends, but most of the time not. He does not fear that his wife may pop in at the local bar where he drinks because he already has a story to tell if she finds him with another woman. It’s his friend’s girl and he just kept her company until his friend showed up. He will convince his wife of it. She will leave and he will make out with the girl. He wants everyone in the bar to know how slick he is. He is very bold. This behavior will never stop. Because he continues to get away with his actions, he enjoys the chase, he has no regard for the wife and her feelings, the cheating will continue for as long as the man wants. It will only end by the wife leaving because she finally follows her gut and believes in herself and grows tired of the insecurity of the marriage or the husband grows tired of his own actions and he realizes the hurt and pain he causes everyone. If the husband reaches this revelation before the marriage is ended, he actually has a chance of redeeming himself and saving the marriage. At this point the husband will show signs of remorse and regret. He may never admit to his actions, however his behavior will prove that he is trying to repair all he had broken. My husband displayed this by going to church about 5 days a week. He used to only go twice a month. He gears himself for more family events than I can keep up with. He wants the kids to have the greatest life ever. He has become the husband that I thought I married. He and I spend so much more time together then ever before. With age, he and I both have found that we are more in tune with each other, we appreciate each other, we really are in love and love each other respectfully.
A not so common way a man ends his own cheating habits is discovering the pain of being a victim. The wife has been hurt so many times that she decides that she will find someone that appreciates her and will treat her better, plus she wants her husband to find out about her infidelity so that he may experience just an ounce of what she felt over the years. The wife pretty much has an “eye for an eye” attitude. Sometimes the wife doesn’t even expect the husband to care one way or another that she was unfaithful. I have heard this many times, with the situation going both ways. It will just be the “straw that broke the camel’s back” and the marriage ends; or the man begins to suspect that the woman is cheating and he becomes full of various feelings including rage, and grows jealous, hurt like never before, sick to stomach, resent and remorse for his own actions, guilty because he believes he drove her to it, and most of all realizes by the pain he experiences that he loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her. After he confront the wife, the wife replies the same way he did for years by denying everything. In her own way, she is confirming what she did, he realizes the truth of her denial and knows he can’t confront her because than he will be admitting all he has denied for years. The husband has to look past what she has done and decides to do everything in his power to make the marriage work and be a better husband. He now knows how much he loves her and never wants to loose her. He vows to himself and his wife to that end. She is very willing to work it out because she does love him, which by staying with him through his reckless behavior is proof of her love. She may and probably does regret cheating, but she did enjoy it and thinks it was worth it because it helped save her marriage.
These are my personal opinions and experiences. I have expeienced most of it myself, but for the few things I didn’t, my sister has. The thing that I have learned is that YOU MUST FIRST LOVE YOURSELF. YOU ARE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY. YOU CAN NOT SUCCESSFUL AS A WIFE, A MOTHER, OR LIFE GENERAL IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF. WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO BE GOOD TO YOURSELF AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE CONTROL OF, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. YOU WILL HAVE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS WITH EVERONE IN YOUR LIFE.
Patience, respect, trust, and love are the key ingredients to a better, happier, stronger relationship. Your relationship should be defined by you and your partner, not by society telling you this is how it should be. No person is 100% identical to another, so why does society believe and preach that all relationships should follow an identical criteria. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS UNIQUE. REMEMBER HOW YOU CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER, LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND COPE WITH DIFFICULTIES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ARE ALSO UNIQUE.
I hope that I have helped someone, somewhere by sharing my opinions and personal story.
A very short answer.
A person who has cheated once, may be and should be so overwhelmed with guilt from the knowledge of the destruction they have caused their relationship, that it is possible that it was just a horrible decision brought on by a moment of weakness and would never happen again.
Some people can work through this, some cannot.
A person who has cheated more than once (1) time, no they will not stop……ever.
I’m sorry to say this is true. I cheated on my wife more than twice. Once she lost trust in me, she made life miserable. I cheated again. It’s not always about excitement. Some people are just a better fit. Our marriage was over years ago. We have 4 beautiful kids and she was determined to make my life hell. I understood her emotions, but in the end, we both took and had to take responsibility. I’m happily married to somebody whom I cheated with. My-ex deserved to be with a man who was a better fit and I deserved to find my own. I’m just sorry how it all happened.
John,
I hope you and your ex were able to work out the parenting aspect. I’m sure it was hard, but I commend you on your awareness. I cheated on my husband and ended up marrying the man I cheated on him with. I cannot put it all on fate, but people grow apart. I can tell you that I would’ve cheated again. It was time to say goodbye. Saying goodby can be really hard when life becomes so familiar.
I met a rotten player who had all the signs of a cheater. Free dating sites like plentyoffish is the one he used, profile andy12345a to lie and trick women into sexual encounters. He obviously had been cheating before and knew the things to say and covered his tracks. Calling with phone number blocked from showing up, never inviting to his home, not giving out his work information or last name, ect. He cheats on his spouse and the women he uses to cheat on his spouse with. These sites are full of men like that. The internet has made it easier for them to cheat
This was really interesting. As for will they change I guess that varies from one person to another & TOTALLY depends on the type person they are. I know several male friends who in the early to mid 20′s cheated multiple times. Now in their 40′s they wouldn’t even consider it. The difference: THEY GREW UP lol. I am sure there were other factors but that is the change I noticed in them.
@ drummer guy.
As you know, you’re one of my favs here, so I hope you don’t take this in a negative way, I honestly don’t mean it to sound that way.
I do have a question though regarding your post, consider it and ongoing education for me.
Are the friends you speak of, that cheated all those times as young men, still with the same person they cheated on?
If yes, I stand corrected.
If not, I’ll stick to my answer.
Good luck everybody, really.
Dating sites have made it easy for cheating men to cheat..I met a rotten no good cheater on plentyoffish who used the profile Andy12345a and now deleted that profile and is using the profile ThomasTomi he is a liar and a no good womanizer cheater.
He uses that site to hunt for sexual encounters, even though his profile says he is looking to date, he is not looking for dating..I believe he is married too because I was seeing him for two years and during that time he never disclosed his address to me, he always called with a blocked phone number and never told me his full name.
His profiles also had different age on each of them..The old one said he is 39 but the new one he has says he is 37…I blame internet dating sites for why so many relationships are failing and the men who are using the sites..I would guess most of the women these men victimize are naive like I was when I first became single again and are not aware the guy is married untill it is too late..
being cheated made my feelings die and i dont even trust him anymore cos he cheated more da 5times with different people
John, et al
thanks so much for bring this forum current. I’m guessing PMHS has found her route by now, but cheating is still a big problem! Does anybody out there have any advice? I’m trying to move on, but I found out my husband cheated on me, not once, but twice. Who knows how many more xs, but def know about two different women. I’m sick over this and I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I want to believe him when he says he’ll change, but my gut tells me it will happen again. We’ve been married for over 10 years. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him. And if I do, will he do it again?
Very lost,
Beth
Hello Very Lost,
Alexa here! My advice, go to the top of the page and read it all again! I found out my husband was cheating on me after 12 years. I was naive to think he would change. After lots of therapy i accepted that once that trust is broken, we were two different people. You can never get it back. We grew in two different directions. You can’t change your husband. If he’s cheated more than once, chances are he is looking for something you can never be and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to
1. convince him he doesn’t want that, or
2. that You can change into that.
There were times I saw growth in me and him but insecurities and doubt were still there and would ALWAYS be there. Forgiveness is a wonderful virtue, but in times like these, darn saintly. Don’t sacrifice who you are out of fear of losing him. You lost him before he cheated.
Break free and look to your friends for support. I’m sorry you went through this and good luck!
it’s 5:30am. Our two boys are still asleep but I can’t!! My husband says he’ll try and I can see he feels bad, and for the time being, he is trying. All of this is killing me. I don’t believe I can trust hm anymore, but the idea of divorce is extremely daunting. I wish I had more hope.
I NEED SLEEP!
I am really sorry to hear about your heartache – but try to get some rest! Your concerns are valid ones. I understand how painful this time and juncture can be.
You’ll never be able to 100% guarantee that your husband won’t cheat again. Can you live with the other % that will never know? Will you always be wondering? No matter how much your husband says he will change, he already told you he would, and he didn’t. What is the difference now?
You can threaten him with “DO THIS or ELSE” but what are you really holding onto at that point? A threat or ultimatum?
Guilting a spouse only creates a greater rift. Your options are to hold onto him out of HOPE and accept moments of doubt paranoia insecurity, and still you may never know.
You can accept the loss and revere the years shared and love of your boys, grow from this, find a better partner and not spend the rest of your life wondering.
OR OPTION 3: Accept his infidelity and not be bothered by it.
You’re correct in saying that divorce is daunting. Children need and deserve both parents to be happy and this may involve two homes. As I guidance counselor, it’s indisputable that children are better students and community members when they are not consumed/preoccupied by parental conflict. Your children learn about relationships through YOU and their family. If you want them to mature and grow to have wholesome relationships, you must set the example. Masking your own unhappiness is an unsatisfactory alternative.
I leave you with an example I use when I meet with parents: In Case of Emergency on a plane: “secure your own oxygen mask before securing your child’s.”
Take care of yourself. Get some rest and best of luck!
If a husband cheats 1x and then there’s some effort made….and MAYBE life returns to normalcy, then there’s a chance. BUT BUT BUT, if a husband cheats 2x or +, the relationship is only a ‘show.’ At that point, people hold on for fear of being alone. Partners love each other, but end up sacrificing SO MUCH bcause of that fear. I say, MOVE ON, HAVE CONFIDENCE, GET A MEDIATOR (they helped me and my ex beyond belief) AND DON’T WAIT.
No rules or new “boundaries” can change what’s going on on the INSIDE of either partner. Nor will it salvage the marriage.
Building a fence around a pool becuase you don’t want your neighbors rowdy teenagers to jump in will only make them find sneakier ways to take a dip. Right? Get real, get your life sorted and stop pretending you needs are going to change your spouse.
Wow. no offense, SailingGuy, but for a guy, that was very eloquently put.
Beth, he’s right.
Talk to some friends, get motivated, and move on.
GL!
Happy I found all your postings. I have been the spouse of a cheatting husband and I do relate to most of the things said here. When I discovered the reality about my husband, my world fell apart. I could not believe he would be so stupid as to risk loosing his family over sex encounters. But he was. He went even further than that. He did not use condoms with his affair, who herself was having sex with other guys and I have evidence that my husband even met another guy once when entering their “love nest”, an apartment he was paying for. All of this happened in a country where the HIV/AIDS prevalence is scary to say the least. You can imagine how I felt through all this time. I can not thank God enough for sparing me from disease. I went into a depression and lived like a zombie for a good one year. I finally understood it would never stop. I consistently cought him with lies and evidence keept coming to me (God’s hand I guess). Wow, I know how it feels to live in hell. My family was too precious to me but not to him. Finaly left with our 3 kids back to my home country so he only gets to see them over skype and if he travels. If you stay he will continue to do it. He has nothing to loose, or so he thinks. He does not think you are capable of leaving him. Confront your fears and break free from humiliation and abuse. You decide what your life is about. I am quite happy about my decision but I also understand it is a process. Did you come to this world to suffer? You did not my dear. This world can be a wonderful place. Looking forward my second husband
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You are outstanding! Good luck!
This is such a touchy subject and we all have unique experiences. I dated a cheater and I have to say I still love him. It’s been almost three months since we have seen each other, I kicked him out after finding out. I was absolutely crushed! For some reason, one I’m trying to figure out, we recently started talking again and seeing each other. Maybe we both still have unresolved issues with what happened but we did have a really great connection when we were together, one that I have never felt with anyone else. Let me quickly say that I am not a weak person, I am independent, speak my mind and don’t let people walk over me. Yet, here I am in love with someone who did walk over me!
Maybe love isn’t so simple. Maybe it’s not so cut and dry. Maybe we don’t have a choice who we end up loving, they are brought into our lives. No one is perfect and we have baggage. So why then are we so much harder on people who cheat? Is it because it is a crime of the heart? I don’t know but I do think people can change I agree with the others on here that it’s the person who has made the mistakes that HAS to decide they don’t want to continue this lifestyle. I think talking it out, being truthful about everything and both being willing to be vulnerable in repairing the relationship can help.
I am going to meet with my therapist tomorrow to try to find out more of why I’m letting him back into my life. He has told me he cheated cause of being insecure with himself. I think a lot of men are that way and want to be wanted. So the big question is, when the emptiness of flings finally bears it’s head can the cheater truly commit? I don’t know but obviously am willing to find out since I still have feelings for him.