Not in my opinion. That’s what I told you earlier this week. I didn’t do any research on the matter because I assumed everyone would agree with me, though. That was silly wasn’t it?
I’m really okay with some or all of you not agreeing with me. That’s why there’s a comments area, so you can let me know when you think I’m on crack. That’s exactly what some of you thought when I said you shouldn’t stay together for your kids’ sake.
So, today, I’m going to try to prove to you that I, indeed, do not own a crack pipe. Instead of just spouting off my random opinions on the matter, I’ve done a bit of research. I looked at many studies done during the past 5 years on the effects of divorce on children.
This is what I found:
1. When two unhappily married people stay together and fight a lot, they screw up their kids just as much as when they divorce and one parent drops completely out of the picture. A Cornell study of nearly 2000 households determined that teens who live in high-conflict homes are much more likely to binge drink, smoke, perform poorly in school, drop out of school, be sexually promiscuous, and get knocked up than teens who live in happy homes where the parents aren’t chasing one another around with butter knives.
2. Divorced parents are just as capable of being great parents as married parents. When the University of Alberta studied nearly 5000 households, they found that there was no difference in parenting behavior between divorced parents and married parents. That’s right. None. The divorced parents were just as nurturing, consistent, and strict.
3. It’s the dysfunction that does kids in, not the marital arrangement. Another University of Alberta study of 17000 children determined that children are most harmed psychologically in the year BEFORE their parents split. It was the parental fighting, depression and anger that really screwed the kids up-not the divorce itself. In some situations, kids fared better when their parents finally split.
I’m not encouraging all of you to just end it already. No, I’m the person who saved her marriage by reading martial improvement books. I’m only saying that staying together for the kids is the wrong reason to stay together. Stay together because you think you can turn things around. Stay together because you see a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay together because you still want to try. Stay together because you know you haven’t really given it your all. Stay together because you can still remember why you fell in love.
But don’t do it just for the kids, especially if things are hopeless. If you are only doing it for the kids, you just might be hurting them more than you are helping them.
Note: Thanks to all of you who discovered this site after reading about it on msn.com. Wow. I’m happily overwhelmed with all of your emails! I cannot answer every email I receive personally, but starting tomorrow and running through next week and possibly beyond, I will be writing blog posts that address your questions. Go ahead and send your questions or topic ideas to me if you have not already.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
While I am not disagreeing with you, I am also not agreeing with you or with the research, because there is just as much research that states the opposite. You can make research say what it wants. As a product of divorce myself, however, I can state that divorce does not ALWAYS mess the kids up. It is totally situational. In my family, both parents put our needs first throughout the entire divorce process. They stayed consistent on matters of discipline; They didn’t disagree or fight in front of us; and they NEVER encouraged us to not love our other parent, even if the other parent wasn’t doing right. I am sure there are more circumstances that allowed us to come out of the divorce almost unscathed, but I contribute most of it to those three. Their divorce still effects me and my marriage today, but I would be just as effected if they had stayed together in a marriage filled with hurt.
That being said, I personally believe that the children should be a REASON to work harder at making your marriage work. Not an excuse to stay. There are no “set guidelines” that you can really go by to tell you whether you should stay in an unhappy marriage or not. Every marriage and family AND BELIEF SYSTEMS are unique. In our family, we refer to the Bible, where the ONLY reason for divorce is adultry. The kids are not a factor. You stay together unless adultry has been committed. Period. I do recognize that there are some instances of abuse where you cannot live with your spouse and you must seperate from him/her, however, I still have to trust that God knows best.
I enjoy your blogs, Alisa! Thanks!
I think the best choice my parents ever made for me was to divorce! Living with them in the same home was hell! I think my older siblings wish it would have happened much sooner. It is definitely not healthy to just stay together for the kids if the kids are constantly feeling stressed and tense! No offense anyone, but Duh!
Besides, even if they were able to keep a peaceful atmosphere, but not be satisfied after trying for years, I would hate to know that they stayed together for my benefit! That would be so sad! Sacrificing the quality of their own lives for mine, which would be fine anyway, as long as both of them were healthy and stable.
By the way, the reasons my unfortunate siblings had to suffer before my parents were divorced is because of my mom’s religion, which sounds like Kelly’s. I’m a christian myself, but if you believe that marriage is simple enough for one phrase to have the answers about divorce, you are missing something. I mean come on, there are things that can be even more destructive to a relationship than cheating.
I do think Jesus was trying to make a point when he said what he said, but I don’t think he meant it literally. He was just saying that it is wrong to leave your spouse for just any old reason. You shouldn’t just trade them in for a nicer, newer model, but if they have done something to damage the relationship beyong repair, such as infidelity, it may be permitted. Just want to clarify that I do honor Jesus’ words; but God gave me enough common sense (and plenty of other stories about Jesus’ messages) to realize he didn’t mean for everything to be taken totally literally, but there was always deeper meaning to the things He said.
I really enjoy your blog too, and want to specifically mention that i do NOT think you own a crack pipe, just because i happen to disagree with you a bit on this subject. I don’t entirely disagree, because like Kelly, i believe that marriage is permanent (and my dh and i have certainly had struggles, big ones even) So i wouldn’t say that i think its important to stay in a marriage “for the kids” though i DO think that God hates divorce and as a result when people do things that God hates there are inherent consequences built in. BECAUSE its a deviation from the plan that God has created for families, and i GET that its not always a choice that sometimes a woman or man HAS to leave a marriage. BUT i also don’t like to see the above idea (that you shouldn’t stay together and be miserable for the kids) because i think there’s another option, and that’s to stay together and NOT be miserable. Now, i know that sounds glib. But i think that its CRUCIAL to exhaust EVERY possible option before ending a marriage. I think people often give up because its easier, faster, they don’t have the energy or the patience to make the sacrifices that are sometimes necessary to save a marriage. Or maybe they just don’t see the SIGNIFICANCE of marriage. And i do think that one person can make a HUGE impact and I would argue that it CAN be saved with the actions of one person for the very reason that sometimes seeing your spouse making serious sacrifices for YOU can humble a person to the point where they become WILLING to do their part. BTDT. Just another perspective
It’s really good to have the diverse perspectives. I do want to say that I do believe in trying everything. I’ve written that before, so sometimes I forget that the collective ideas don’t necessarily carry over from blog to blog. What I’m talking about here (or intended to anyway) are those hopeless situations, where people either 1) have tried everything and everything hasn’t worked 2) can’t try everything because one partner refuses to try anything. In such situations, I don’t think people should feel guilty or torn about what will happen with the kids, because, often, the kids are better off.
I’m one of five kids and our parents separated when there were only the three youngest left at home. Mum stayed with dad ‘for the sake of the kids’. It had never been a particularly happy marriage.
After they separated, initiated by mum, all five of us kids have at some point asked her why she didn’t leave earlier. We have all told her that (nicely) that she did us no favours by staying.
Don’t do it. Don’t stay for the kids. Do everything you can to turn the marriage around so it’s a good and happy marriage – and if that doesn’t work then leave.
We were/are a christian family, and that was one reason that mum tried to hold it together so long. Yes, God hates divorce. However he has never said that a person has to stay in a marriage that includes abuse and destruction.
I am a child who grew up with divorced parents. By the time I was in kindergarten, I had two younger siblings and in a divorced family. Until I was about 10, I always wished that my parents would just get along and not fight and I never wished for them to be married again. When I was a preteen, I saw who my biological father for who he really was and to this day, I am thankful that my parents weren’t in it for us. By the way, my mom remarried (happily!) to a man that I have been blessed to be able to say he’s an awesome Daddy.
I’ve been some what disconnect from the web & was unable to follow this…but all in all I loved reading it. As a single mother I opted not to stay in it for the kids. I thought of there happiness & mine. Just figured if we stayed together there would be to much fighting and we would have ended up hating each other for life. Today the father of my children thank me for making such a wise decision. My 2 angels are blessed to have two loving parents even though apart and we are the best of friends. We give support to each other like we never thought we would.
As a teen whose parents have been separated for a few years, I completely agree with you. The fighting and yelling were far worse than not having them together. The picture in your post pretty much says it. My brother and I would run outside the minute they started at it in the living room, and we’d take turns sneaking to the back door to see if they were done yet so we could go back in.
When I was 5, I overheard someone say, “They’re only staying together because of the children.” Those were my parents this neighbor was talking about. As a result, I spent my childhood trying to be “good” because this statement translated into my five year old mind into “I’m the glue.” So many of my fears about life were born out of the fact that my parents seemed to intensely dislike each other from the time I could remember. It took well into mid-life before I could lay to rest the intense guilt I felt because despite my best efforts, I could not hold our family together.
I was sixteen when they finally ended it. What a relief! They both went on to marry others to whom they were suited and as a result we all were much happier.
I’ve been happily married for 40 years, so I certainly believe that children of radically dysfunctional families and divorce, can find their way. But some never do. Unfortunately, it’s not an easy decision either way.
This topic/debate will go around until the end of time… why? people like the seasons and times change and develop differently it is simply part of life. One of the problems is, that we put so much ‘on’ the marriage itself and making sure it stays together no matter what, and we are simply failures as humans if we cannot keep our own ‘institution’ together? if it is the only thing humans need, why are there so many divorces/separations and unhappy marriages? if you add these together they can indeed outweigh happy marriages. The big problem is not peoples ‘selfishness’ if they separate or divorce it was probably that they did not know how to chose the right partner for them at the time (which was me), we are brought up by our parents and this is our blueprint to life and relationships.. unhappy parents have a responsibility to address this, and I hate to say this as it may offend some but no offence meant, but it has absolutely has nothing to do with God, we all have a responsibility to ourselves first if we can be happy and fulfilled and be whole we can give, if we are not we simply cannot, so if it is God that fulfills you and makes you happy that is good for you, but may not be for the children always, I am not religous as you may tell, but I am happy, very kind, considerate and caring to my children and other people this is my religion if you like. We teach our children to walk, talk, give them toys WE deem fit girls dolls and prams boys cars ‘showing them the way?’, but as they grow, what else do we teach them? if you are lucky enough to have a loving fulfiling relationship great show them.. this is the best scenario, you may get into difficulties and if you truly love your spouse/partner and can work them out, also great you can show your children that life isnt easy and you sometimes have to deal with hard times, you will also have to face conflict sometime, but if you do this with respect and love.. great, if you feel you have lost the love you can try and find it again, but never stop trying, but if there is simply no love, respect, kindness and fulfillment, what is the point? happy children need happy ’rounded’ parents, and rounded doesn’t mean, always having ‘to take one for the team’ day in and day out, sometimes we have to move on, and this can make you a better happier and stronger person. I was married for 17 years started happy, and stuck with it, but in the end was no good, I have two very happy grown up daughters who both have very happy marriages themselves and beautiful children and both are amazing mums. But according to some statistics coming from a ‘broken’ home they should be goodness knows what? for the record their Dad basically ‘opted’ out of their life, so they didnt have the two of us, only me. I have to comment on one other point, that seems to ‘pop’ up in much research and one I feel strongly about, and for various reasons have chosen to research, based on my own knowledge and having two grown up daughters with many friends and basically doing some research, the research regarding ‘promiscuity’ is flawed, I and others have found that it is children brought up in loveless marriages (no conflict needed just lack of love between the parents) as to them sex is simply sex! as they think love is only in the movies etc and not real… they have no experience of a couple who truly love one another and bond, so they find either no need or simply dont know how to bond themselves, but they have a basic needs for sure, just not the skills as they havent been shown or taught, this is one of the most ‘skipped’ over parts of research, but one of the most important elements to succesful relationships – compatibility on all levels – and let us not forget pure genetics, this counts for an awful lot.
Ruth–thanks for your comments. I think your insights, particularly about promiscuity, are interesting. It makes me think of the entire body of research out there about what’s good for kids (daycare v staying at home, marriage vs divorce, sex ed vs no sex ed, etc etc etc.) In the end, I think the formula is simple and anyone who has parented a child would agree with it. It takes at least one well balanced, strong person in their lives. This isn’t always the “parent.” Sometimes it’s a teacher or coach or aunt or family friend (talking about those situations where both parents are screwed up for one reason or another). It seems like a child just needs one or two consistent, loving, stable forces in their lives. When they do the research, they never seem to take into account the quality of the relationships that the children have with others (basically how their parent(s) parent them and how their parent(s) model certain behaviors and values).
This is a very vague topic, and there’s no cut and dry rule, as has probably been pointed out. In my case, I’m glad my parents got divorced. But here’s my case:
My parents divorced before I could remember it, I was 2 or 3 at the time. My parents never got along after, they were civil but I’m SO glad I didn’t have to deal with them under the same roof for most of my life, it would’ve been extremely high stress and they’d probably have argued almost constantly. My dad stayed in my life and was a pretty good dad, my mom did her best.
But that’s one case. In a very different case it could be very damaging, and I’m sure being so young helped a lot becuase I didn’t remember the divorce and couldn’t blame myself for soemthing I didn’t even remember.
There’s research showing divorce is harmful and research showing sticking together is harmful. I wonder when we’re finally going to get the research saying that you just shouldn’t get married in the first place.
me and my husband never fight, never talk, and never touch, I feel so unhappy, but my kids don’t feel there’s anything wrong with us, ’cause we act so “normal” around other people (including them), my oldest child says that she is so glad that we are not like her friends parents who fight all the time and don’t leave together… and because of that I feel selfish and guilty when I think of ending my marriage.
Hello,
I am a husband who was blind sided by his wife’s request for a spearation/divorce. Her reason is that she loved me but was not in love with me and that there was no affection or passion in our relationship. We met in college she was 18 and I was 19 and we were soul mates. She admits she adored me and we were married at 25 in what seemed a stroy book relationship. Three children and a house ensued. All boys are honor role students, have many firends, polite and respectful and good athletes. My wife and I seldom fought and never argued in front of the children.
After 19 years of marriage she suddenly recoiled from my touch and said she never wante dme to touch her again. I admit that with a full time job and focus on our three boys well being I neglected my wife and was critical of her in the past. I have always been fithful and never strayed. She however has admitted to an emotional affair with a divorced colleague at work. She said although she used to consider me her best friend she no longer does amd she cares more deeply for her friend than me. All very hurtful and announced to me two weeks after my mother suddenly died. I was crushed and refused to leave our house to “to give her space”.
We have since gone to therapy and she is on antidepressants. I have stayed in the house and gone back and forth between sleeping in the finished basement to back in the bedroom. I confonted her about her realtionship with her male friend and how she would talk with him on the phone 4 to 5 times per day and meet him at the gym each day after work. She said she can’t help how she feels and her therapist states that the children will be happy if she is happy regardless of the impact of divorce.I think this is a naive assumption. This is hurtful, we have been together for 19 years and have three wonderful sons. We are going to a marriage counselor but after 8 months she still says she feels the same and blames me for her unhappiness. I maybe foolishly still love her and have decided to do everything in my power to stay together for the kids sake and hope that she eventually turns around. If she does not then our boys will be better off financially and emotionally since we don’t argue and get along fine although more like roomates than husband and wife. I respect our marriage vows and believe that parents need to sacrifice their happiness for their childrens sake not the other way around. I am prepared to make this sacrifice.
I believe my husband and I face many challenges regarding communication due to our very different circumstances. We were both raised in Catholic families (his dad was in seminary), and when his parents divorced, no one talked about it; my husband was in his pre-teens at the time. And, to make matters more confusing for him (in my opinion), mom moved back in after 5 years. Fast forward 20 years they have since remarried and continue to sleep in separate rooms. My parents are much older – my husband’s grandparent’s ages – so my pov is very different. In a way, I am let down about how I imagined marriage would be, as I had my parents as role models. My husband lacks some trust, and oftentimes makes financial decisions w/out clueing me in. I remind remind myself on a daily basis that we are 2 very different people.
This is for the original question, and I’m not so sure you all are right. You see when times are tuff I think that you should find every reason to stay with the person and weight them out.
Also one divorce may lead to multiple divorcés. Remember how you have to be a good role model for your kids and everyone’s kids? By separating, you may be teaching them to walk away in the first sign of conflict. This could lead your kids into being even more sexually permiscuis (a slut or man whore) and having a multiple partners before they find the “right one”, and what parent really wants that for their child.
In all reality we should work together. In relationships if you don’t like something about the other person you should let them know, and if you do something they don’t like you should compromise. The compromise might even be the way you argue.
Even read some articles or books on staying together and give it a while to set in (weeks-months-years) and just really focus on it, and get advice from more than a couple people, because there is not a lot of god fearing people left.
Make sure you look for the good as well as the bad, or all you will see is the bad, and no good. If you have tried everything, I mean absolutely everything, then look at separating.
Separating is easy, but not always right. If you really want to separate just read into some modern evil crap and you’ll be separated in no time, but you will be damaging your kids and showing them that love is not worth fighting for, which in return will lead to them living an empty lonely life without love, and no clue on how to actually deal with a relationship.
Whatever you have to do just do it, but remember at all times, that somebody’s watching you
Charles,
I do not think having a loveless relationship and staying in it for the kids necessarily helps the kids. My did not get divorced, and at the time I was thankful for the way that it meant I did not have to live in different houses or did not have to choose which sibilings I wanted to live with. But the deep sympathy and pain I felt on behalf of my mother for her pain is palpable even now when she is no longer around. Her silent suffering for many years finally made sense one day when I walked in on an argument in the middle of the night.
I had seen my mother crying at night before. I ahd sen teh look on her face and the life drained out of her. She was so sad, it seemed like 90% of the time. She pretended to be happy for our sake. But I couldn’t help but mentally take her side when I heard them arguing, when what she said rang so true.. she had been putting in so much effort 24/7, she was a very good mother to us and with lots siblings that’s a difficult thing to do and was basically neglected and left to do all the uncomfortable jobs while my father was not mentally in being a parent all the time, which I could tell in a very obvious way when there were problems and he would ignore it and act like it was somebody else’s problem or didn’t matter but my mother would sort it out, at her own expense, like breaking up arguments and fights, helping us wih homework etc. I really honestly believe that maybe their relationship would have worked without kids because then it never would have highlighted his selfishness or run her into the ground mentally with the stress of almost single parenting in a two parent home.
Now that I’m an adult I wish my parents had divorced. I wish that they had divorced for our sake. I am constantly on the lookout in men for secret signs that they will ever be like my father – loving on the outside, but really just looking for a doormat to take care of 80% of the responsibilities of family life. It affects my relationships. I do not disrespect the institution of marriage and I still belive marriage should be for life, but I do not believe my parents should ever have got married and I think that having made that mistake they ruined part of two lives (their own) by doing so and certainly didn’t improve ours by staying together.
When one person is unhappy and your parents never fight but never talk or touch either, your blueprint for relationships is pretty messed and you basically figure “anything but this”. Not saying staying in a marriage isn’t something you should fight for, or that fighting is a good thing, but loveless hopelessness and emptiness are things children can see as well. You’d be surprised just how empathic children can be and how long or deeply it stays with them.
Coming from the point of view of a child in this situation, I would like to say that if you want a divorce, but you do not want your kids to be ‘messed up’, the best option (if you’re thinking for the kids) is to get a divorce, in my opinion. My parents did not get a divorce, when they should have, and it is easy to tell that my mom does not love my dad. I do not want this relationship with my own kids, I want a loving family and my parents are not providing me with some role models. My parents marriage is what I want avoid. I know I’m younger but this is how a child feels in this situation. Honestly I feel like it is my fault that my mom is unhappy because she conceived me around the time my parents almost divorced. I feel like they felt the need to stay together with another baby.
If you want a divorce but you are not sure, think, will you be able to be the couple you want to be with your partner. If not, your children will sense that and maybe feel guilty like me.