Q: I want my marriage to work. It’s the right thing for my kids, plus I am afraid of being alone with 2 children. My husband is a good man. Good men are hard to find. At the same time, I don’t feel that physical connection with him anymore. I don’t even like him touching me, but I am extremely physically attracted to someone else. Why is it that this other man can make me feel so good and my husband can no longer do this for me? What should I do? – Woman in a Marriage Crisis
Dear Woman in a Marriage Crisis,
Just like nearly everything in life, no relationship is perfect. One man might be a great lover, but not a great conversationalist. Another might be a great provider, but a terrible lover. Few if any people have every single quality we desire in a mate.
Once you allow yourself to accept this fact, you’ll have a much easier time seeing the shortcomings of your marriage as problems that you can solve over time. Rather than seeing your lack of attraction to your husband as a fatal flaw—one that can only be solved by either replacing him or cheating on him—you’ll look into ways to build a healthy attraction.
Excluding that temporary insanity that most of us feel during the early days of a relationship, long-term attraction is not a magical quality that you either have or don’t. You can create it. I know this because I did just that in my own marriage. A few years ago, I would have rather had all of my toenails extracted than have sex with my husband. Now I look forward to it (the sex, not the toe nail removal).
This is what I recommend:
* Launch Project: Attraction. Tell your husband about it. Explain that your yearning for him has waned over the years and that you’d like to get it back. Be honest. Reveal your weakness for other men. Tell him that you want your marriage to work and that you don’t want to have an affair, but you are afraid that you might. Ask him to help you fall back in love with him.
* Start having sex on a regular basis, even if you don’t want to do it. Sex helps build a connection that will turn into a healthy attraction over time.
* Deal with any turn-offs. If he needs dental care, tell him. If he needs to spend more time on personal hygiene, tell him.
* Teach him how to romance you. Give him an instruction manual.
* Teach him how to please you in bed. Again, if needed, given him an instruction manual. Also, add variety to your sex life. In long-term relationships, monogamy often turns into sexual monotony, but it doesn’t have to. Be creative and be willing to try new things.
* Touch often. It’s really the simple things that keep a marriage going. Hug before you leave the house or when you come home. Hold hands. Sit closely on the couch. Stroke his arm or pat his back. Constantly be looking for new ways to have skin-to-skin contact.
* Be transparent. Allow him to know the real you and vice versa. The more you get to know each other on a deeper level, the more your attraction will grow.
* Put on blinders. It’s normal to occasionally feel attracted to other people. You’re married. You’re not a eunuch (or whatever the female version of one would be called). You can look, but you can’t touch. Practice the art of healthy self-control. Learn how to release your attachment to wanting it all. Learn how to be happy with the wonderful man you already have.
Do you have advice for Woman in a Marriage Crisis? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a paramount issue, I find, although not a very popular one in conversation.
I never would have guessed that you felt that way about sex with your husband a few years ago, Alisa. Look at that. I guess it’s easy to forget the writer is a real person too when she seems to have all the answers
This is useful advice!
I’d like to know what you think Woman in Marriage Crisis should do if she becomes unable/unwilling to rebuild her attraction toward her husband. Couple’s counseling? Swinging? Stock up on some courage and get a divorce?
Also, perhaps some example phrases about how to break it to your partner that he, um, just doesn’t do it for you anymore (OUCH).
Yes, staying in a marriage is a decision. So is getting out of one. Having an affair is a middle ground: it’s wishy washy. It’s about not making a decision. People have them because they don’t think they will get caught. If hidden cameras were positioned everywhere in the world and our spouses really could find out about our every move, most people would be forced to really make a decision: is sex with this person worth ending my marriage? Perhaps the answer is, “hell yes!” Most of the time, the answer is, “Nah.”
So, to answer your questions: yes, if the marriage is not workable, then divorce is the next step. Maybe she’s unable or unwilling to rebuild her attraction to her husband because the marriage is toxic, for example. (I didn’t get that from the emailer, though). If she’s only with him because she’s too scared of the alternative: she should try the alternative.
As for phrases. I think this is what I would say:
* I am not attracted to you anymore, but I really wish I was. I want to be attracted to you again and am looking into ways to make that happen.
Does it sting? Probably, but it’s true and it’s honest and it’s geared toward solving the problem. I’d understand if my husband said as much to me. Yes, it would hurt, but catching him in the act of having sex with someone else? That would hurt a lot more.
What should the husband do if he suspects that this is a question from his wife? Was it asked knowing that he would see it? Is she baiting him? Should he ask her about it? And if he is wrong, would it be a sign of mistrust to just ask? If he trusts her, should he ask even though he thinks that she will not physically act on it? Is it ok for Woman in a Marriage Crisis to continue contacting and seeing the other man? Would that be sort of infidelity? Would that relationship be appropriate to continue in any form?
Alisa–Your responses to this question are SO helpful. It’s so refreshing to hear from someone that lack of attraction is in fact NOT a dealbreaker in and of itself. It’s so nice to know that it can build (and to hear that you and your husband were able to do it!). It’s so nice to know that feeling attraction to other men is an eye-opener, yes, but not necessarily end to your own marriage. To the Man in a Marriage Crisis–Absolutely ask–gently and lovingly–it may open all kinds of doors for discussion. I personally have this experience with other men all the time. These relationships are NOT affairs–not even close. I am just hyper-aware to how the other men are able to make me feel. And also hyper-aware to the fact that my husband in not currently able to do the same. It’s a sinking sickening feeling, and it CAN lead to affairs. But, do not assume the worst.
I am a man in a marriage crisis. My wife recently cheated on me with a co-worker of hers, and it has been a challenging period since then. She says that she is committed to getting us back to where we were before, where our love seemed endless, we looked forward to sex, we were all for one another. Since this other man has come into the picture, he has been the bain of my existence. The problem we are having now is that she says that she has feelings for the other man but she still loves me, and she does not want me to leave, but it has been affecting our sex life, as she wants to have sex with the other man, rather than having sex with me. She says that I still please her sexually, but then she does not know why she wants to have sex with the other man even though he is not as good as I am.
Is she telling the truth? do you believe that I should stay and work this out? She had sex with the man over a month ago, and her feelings for the man have not wained in any way, should I take it as a sign that our marriage has ended? It would hurt to believe that the marriage has ended, but I would rather it ended, than be living a lie. Your advice is very much appreciated.
You really seem committed to this woman despite everything that is going on. I think you should force her to choose. Giving ultimatums is always risky so you have to be prepared for whatever her decision may be, even if it involves leaving you. Also, don’t make her choose on the spot, it seems like you have been patient up to now so give her a few days or more but give her a definite deadline. Your wife is an adult, if she truly wants to be with you then she will choose to break off all contact with the other man.
many times adultery, depending on where its stemming from is an addiction. It sounds as if this has become the case for your wife. If you are committed to her recovery you may experience many frustrations, but if you hang in there with her and she remains committed to becoming a faithful wifethen the rewards will include you two having a stronger relationship. Its likely that she does love you but the adulterous relationship is feeding some part of herself emotionally,psychologically, or spiritually and she is powerless until she gets help, in overcoming this particular transgression.
A
It’s probably because your marriage has become stagnant and unfulfilled. You should find ways to spice up your marriage so it is fun for you again. If your marriage is more about just not leaving each other and not about being together and being happy, then there are some real problems. You need to be honest with yourself and decide what you really want.
My wife is attacted towards anather men her co worker in her office. She loves me but she also tel me about good relation with him. She used to come with him from office. She told me she only touched him while coming in bike meance her breast touched on his back wile driving) we have one kid and our marriage life is 13 years old. Can i understand this is first step towards her extramarrital affair. Pls advice
I’m 39 and my wife is 37. We have one kid 13 years old. Our married life is 14 years. Both of us are working. She has recently joined in his job.Before when she was a housewife she is not normally busy with hose wokk and we have made sex with once in week. Now after her joining in job she has completely changed and want sex every night twice. I dont no how this happend. Her way of talking is changed into sexy voice. I m doubt if she had attacted towards some other co-worker in her office as she is sitting adjecent to one young 30 yrs old men. He normally helped her in completing the work and talked with her in very romanting way. He also asked her that if he dropped her while returning from office. She came one day with him in his bike and that night we had sex 3 time. Please advice is she is really attracted with that men if yes then what shall I do. I dont want to loose her I love her very much.
Please tell me if she is attacted towards other men..what shall I do.
she could be……maybe the sex thing is her way of trying to connect with you, instead of having it with that other guy…….please help your wife get through the said ordeal…..it is an indirect way of saying…”help me from not falling out of love with you”….
These are great points. Unfortunately, if I make a suggestion to my husband about something I like regarding his appearence, he gets defensive and does the opposite. For example, I suggested he let the top part of his grow a little longer, because I think it’d look good on him, he ended up shaving his head. He obviously doesn’t care about my opinions…he tells me I should love him for who he is….yet if he tells me he likes my hair brown better than blonde, I automatically dye it.
What if I have never had a sexual attraction to my husband?
I love him very much- he’s a stable, very loving man.
I thought I could live without the sex/ but as I am approaching 40 my sex drive is higher than ever! Honestly the thought of having sex with him really makes sick to my stomach. I have forced myself but I can’t do that any more/ I have told my husband how I feel. He seems to be making effort / which just makes me feel bad.
?????
Lola. You just summarized my life.
Yes LOla! me too! The way i see it is you can’t get something back if it was never there right??? Thats what i think marriage counseling tries to do and just don’t believe or perhaps feel that you have to be dependent on them to “perk” up your marriage all the time…it wouldn’t feel natural to me. Has anyone ever been in this situation? With me, i have a hard time telling someone what i want b/c half the time i don’t even know myself. I have been relying on my feelings only..what to do?
I know exactly how you feel. My husband it kind and caring. He is wonderful with our kids. I have never gotten along with anyone like I do him. He was my best friend before we got together and I just assumed that we would be able to ease from being friends to being lovers. But, I never was really sexually attracted to him. At the time I was young, I had never really explored my sexuality and just kind of accepted the lack of physical attraction and absence of any real intimate bond. Now, I feel so hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach when he touches me. Sex is just awkward which I know it has a lot to do with me being tense and uncomfortable the whole time. It does not do much for his self-esteem. I desperately long to share that intimate bond with someone that comes with sex and I should long to share it with my husband, but I don’t. I am terrified of leaving, I know I have a good life with him and I doubt I could find someone that treats me as well as he does, but sometimes the lack of an intimate connection is so overwhelming and depressing.