Why am I attracted to other men, but not my husband?

Q: I want my marriage to work. It’s the right thing for my kids, plus I am afraid of being alone with 2 children. My husband is a good man. Good men are hard to find. At the same time, I don’t feel that physical connection with him anymore.  I don’t even like him touching me, but I am extremely physically attracted to someone else. Why is it that this other man can make me feel so good and my husband can no longer do this for me? What should I do? – Woman in a Marriage Crisis

Dear Woman in a Marriage Crisis,

Just like nearly everything in life, no relationship is perfect. One man might be a great lover, but not a great conversationalist. Another might be a great provider, but a terrible lover. Few if any people have every single quality we desire in a mate.

Once you allow yourself to accept this fact, you’ll have a much easier time seeing the shortcomings of your marriage as problems that you can solve over time. Rather than seeing your lack of attraction to your husband as a fatal flaw—one that can only be solved by either replacing him or cheating on him—you’ll look into ways to build a healthy attraction.

Excluding that temporary insanity that most of us feel during the early days of a relationship, long-term attraction is not a magical quality that you either have or don’t. You can create it. I know this because I did just that in my own marriage. A few years ago, I would have rather had all of my toenails extracted than have sex with my husband. Now I look forward to it (the sex, not the toe nail removal).

This is what I recommend:

* Launch Project: Attraction. Tell your husband about it. Explain that your yearning for him has waned over the years and that you’d like to get it back. Be honest. Reveal your weakness for other men. Tell him that you want your marriage to work and that you don’t want to have an affair, but you are afraid that you might. Ask him to help you fall back in love with him.

* Start having sex on a regular basis, even if you don’t want to do it. Sex helps build a connection that will turn into a healthy attraction over time.

* Deal with any turn-offs. If he needs dental care, tell him. If he needs to spend more time on personal hygiene, tell him.

* Teach him how to romance you. Give him an instruction manual.

* Teach him how to please you in bed. Again, if needed, given him an instruction manual. Also, add variety to your sex life. In long-term relationships, monogamy often turns into sexual monotony, but it doesn’t have to. Be creative and be willing to try new things.

* Touch often. It’s really the simple things that keep a marriage going. Hug before you leave the house or when you come home. Hold hands. Sit closely on the couch. Stroke his arm or pat his back. Constantly be looking for new ways to have skin-to-skin contact.


* Be transparent.
Allow him to know the real you and vice versa. The more you get to know each other on a deeper level, the more your attraction will grow.

* Put on blinders. It’s normal to occasionally feel attracted to other people. You’re married. You’re not a eunuch (or whatever the female version of one would be called). You can look, but you can’t touch. Practice the art of healthy self-control.  Learn how to release your attachment to wanting it all. Learn how to be happy with the wonderful man you already have.

Do you have advice for Woman in a Marriage Crisis? Leave a comment.

205 comments… add one

  • ssss June 14, 2015, 3:02 pm

    Hi

    i want to share my story. If any one can help me to improve the situation. I am married for
    last 7 years. Its an arrange marriage. The day i got married i have the feeling that my husband doesn’t love me. He is a good person with lot’s of quality. But with me he behaves like a teacher. All the time correcting my faults. He takes life very seriously. Even on minor fault he reacts a lot. Initially i thought that if will change myself than he will start loving me and we have a normal relationship. But after having my daughter he stopped the physical relationship also. I started feeling that we were living in one house but no connection. He doesn’t talk with me otherwise he is a talkative person. G

    Reply
    • Shana Cooper September 24, 2015, 7:11 pm

      Wow, that sounds terrible. I’m so sorry. My first instinct is to tell you to run for the hills and start over, but I know that probably isn’t possible. An arranged marriage must be difficult. Is it possible to talk to him about your feelings? Maybe is willing to work harder or divorce and move on. I know that sounds easier said than done, but you have to be happy and live a life worth living. Best of luck!

      Reply
    • Vikas kanojia November 6, 2015, 12:53 pm

      Say i love you more than words can told him i wann suck u hard nd give u erotic touch “

      Reply
  • vincent July 19, 2015, 11:25 am

    God, this feels like exactly like my marriage. My husband is very social with everyone else and everyone always says how nice he is, but in the home, he is anything but that. very isolated from me, very hurtfurl towards me, and basically we are like roomates but even worrse??? can it get that way, I gues it can

    Reply
  • Hersheykiss July 30, 2015, 11:45 am

    I am in the same boat. I did tell my husband that I am not attracted to him after 24 years and found someone else that I could have jumped on (I didn’t say it that way). We reignited the fire for a few months (me either getting drunk or just plain horny). He was very happy until a month went by with no sex. He is now moving out and can’t deal with it. So none of the above suggestions have worked for me. He knows I’m not attracted to him while we are having sex and can’t deal with it.

    Reply
    • MarriedPerson August 8, 2015, 7:05 am

      You say he can’t deal with the fact that you aren’t attracted to him. Is there any reason why he should? He deserves to be with someone who truly loves and cares about him. You made it clear that you aren’t that person. His leaving is his decision, but I wouldn’t say it is his fault.

      Reply
  • mimi October 17, 2015, 1:34 pm

    My husband just told he is s stil in love wi5h hs ex girlfriend 10 years after they broke up. We are sleeping in separate rooms coz I cant b sleeping with somebody who is not not in love with me. We arr living as house mates. And ill leave very soon.

    Reply
  • mimi October 17, 2015, 1:39 pm

    He also has a drinkn problem and blames it on the heart break he suffered. Honestly y shud I stay with such a man, he meks good dad but not a good husband. Sorry abt the typing errors in the first comment

    Reply
  • Sex therapist October 29, 2015, 9:20 pm

    This is the worst advice I have ever read. Doing the first 4 things will almost guarantee a divorce. Use some common sense and treat him the way you would want to be treated in this case. Remember that a mans penis is his pride, belittling him on any level when it comes to sex will surely cause drama that you don’t want. At the same time, having sex when you don’t want to will only fuel your resentment. Seriously, I don’t know what the author was thinking….just terrible.

    Reply
    • Bumper21 November 26, 2015, 9:43 pm

      The advice was step by step. You can’t and shouldn’t do one thing without the other. It has to start with honesty and proper communication. Need to maybe get counseling so the husband or wife knows this isn’t uncommon but it can definitely get better. If a couple isn’t trained to know why they feel certain things or that many things are common in relationships then they won’t know how to act and their resentment will build.
      I absolutely agree with the advice given here but it is lacking in that they need to know what they are really feeling and why they feel that way. This comes from good relationship education, counseling, and hard but worth it effort.

      You’re definitely off the mark here and honestly from all the relationship material I’ve studied and practically applied as well as listening to others the information given here was good. Sometimes people don’t know what is actually good for them and need to come to a place where they can understand that and start making changes.

      Reply
  • pp December 30, 2015, 2:09 pm

    I’m stuck in a marriage where the little sex I get I should be grateful for,there’s no intimacy at all,after he is done he rolls over and complains of how tired he is,been there for 6 years and believe me I want to run for the hills and start a new life,when I ask him when he thinks it could all get better he says I don’t know,it shows me that there is no future plan with a man who doesn’t know anything,ok goodbye busy running to the hills

    Reply
  • Icare January 18, 2016, 2:15 am

    the most important thing is to confess it to God then pray for help from Him. u r a human and still have feelings He’ll understand and help u out

    Reply
  • PauIru February 16, 2016, 4:01 am

    Same, married for 10 years and I feel like a horrible person. I feel like a dirty unsatisfied ungrateful Bratt.

    The last 3 years we were in the line of getting a divorce due to his lack of support and romance. I also got high stress and fell in depression. I turned bitchy if I may say it like that, moody and mean. I wanted the divorce wanted to give up start fresh.

    The thing Is my husband changed greatly! He started to bring me flowers, surprise me with a candle lit dinner, spoiling me, matured a lot more. It’s all been an amazing change may i also add in that he’s an amazing father…
    But the last 3 years I’ve simply felt detached from him just fell out of almost all feelings.

    Sex is just a there, he thinks it’s perfect because I let him believe it when in reality he doesn’t even turn me on.. much less able to make me feel good in the bedroom. His touch doesn’t do anything to me I feel no more emotion, no more tingles there’s no feeling anymore.
    He wants to try so hard. I told him he should find a girl/woman that can love him right, that can offer more but he’s persistent in that he wants to keep trying till the end. I feel stuck. I don’t want to be unfaithful but my god I feel so tempted, so frustrated. Sometimes I think that if I just do it, it’ll give him a good reason to leave and let me start over again but then I think of all the years, the life we built, the children. I just don’t feel happy, I feel empty, unsatisfied, I want to feel good!! I want to feel again. :( :/

    Reply
  • Mike February 25, 2016, 2:13 pm

    I am a mid 40′s male – still after all these years very physically fit – get hit on all the time in the gym – but the woman I love would rather play on her phone than play with me – we do have sex and when we do its great but once a month is all it is. She has put on 80 pounds since I married here and I could car less – but I am trying to figure out why a good looking guy who stays in great shape can’ turn his wife on –

    Flowers at least once a month – tender kisses from behind in the kitchen – the only time she gets in the mood is when she has a buzz on with a glass of wine. Is it an affair? Is she just grown tired of me? Thoughts

    Reply
    • Serena March 11, 2016, 9:45 pm

      Hi Mike! I think that the issue here is not you but your wife. She might not feel good about herself and the way she looks. Perhaps her self-confidence is very low and your fit body might push her away from having sex more than the just one time she is buzzed. Perhaps alcohol makes her forget about her low self-confidence and this why she is more receptive to you sexually. My problem instead is that I am 43 and fit and physically very active , but husband is not. He is 49 and is physically lazy. He workouts once a week or not at all and he is completely out of shape. This is also an issue when we have sex occasionally because he gets tired right away and can hold a position for short time because he starts cramping ( by the way he only likes doing it in one position). He is a good man, and we have been married for 21 years. However, I have found myself being attracted to other men, especially a little younger than me many times already. My husband does not care to look attractive and this is a big issue for me.

      Reply
      • Mike March 16, 2016, 12:32 pm

        Serena – boy we sound like we are rowing the same river – the only cramping I get is on leg day – LOL its hard thrusting after legs LOL – I get approached all the time by girls younger than me – and OMG soo hard to not say yes – I do so NO but the temptation is always there – my wife never gets dressed up always in sweats and her hair in a messy bun – I desire women who will take care of herself and make me believe I am worth the effort

      • Marie April 26, 2016, 2:49 pm

        I’m in practically the same boat. I’m 43, a size 6 and I go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week….. My husband is a good man but he’s 50 lbs overweight and is in increasingly poor health because of it. In theory I want sex with him, but then when I see his beer gut and just how much he’s let himself go, it’s an instant turnoff. We have sex less than once a month. It’s so depressing. I’m a young woman and my libido is off the chart….. And dying on the vine at the same time :-(

      • Mike May 2, 2016, 12:44 pm

        Marie,

        Right???? Work so hard to stay in shape and for what – I feel like I have so much to give and MY libido OMG – off the chart is for starters…. the increase in my exercise program makes me soooo excited like all the time – blood flowing – heart pumping, sweaty, just wanting to come home and then……. over weight sleeping wife, just me and my shower quite often

    • Cece June 15, 2016, 12:29 pm

      Same here Mike! I’m 37 and in the best shape of my life. Been with my husband for 20 years and He really let himself go. Hes overweight, his teeth are falling out and he smokes two packs a day. I’m so grossed out. I don’t even want to kiss him. Our sex life has been non existent for years!! He says he loves me and won’t let me leave. I’m his whole world. He’s a great guy otherwise but I’m dying for some passion, romance and sex!! I can’t go on much longer like this. I recently told him I’m not attracted to him anymore and he needs to go to the dentist. He said he will do better to make time for himself. I hate this. I just want to move on but this will devastate him and I truly care about him and don’t want to see him hurt.

      Reply
      • Mike July 10, 2016, 2:59 pm

        Ditto Cece – late 40′s look late 20′s with some gray hair – trying to fight off the age as long as possible – 8 pack ripped – I originally told her it was for her – I wanted her to have fun with the guy she is with – enjoy touching the person she is married too – she says she loves me but NEVER touches me just to touch me and enjoy me – soooooooo frustrating and then she wonders some somethimes I look at other women who are looking at me

  • Chanda March 12, 2016, 10:30 am

    Am 28 and my husband is 39, sexually am at my peak while my husband isn’t he has a big belly, does not exercise and is addicted to alcohol and masturbation, we only do it twice a month i always initiate it, he cnt wait to cum when we are doing it. So i tell him to start with a position that wont make him come fast but he surrenders and tells me he is tired. I try to get on top but he insists he wants to come fast. Am always having fantasies about doing it with a Young physically fit young man. And i guess it will be like that for thr rest of our lives coz i cant divorce him. He is loving dad to my kids. I have to come to accept this and i cant cheat on him coz our marriage would be affected.

    Reply
  • Chanda March 12, 2016, 10:42 am

    Sorry about the typing errors

    Reply
  • Mimi March 16, 2016, 8:53 am

    Am in love with a married man, am also married but he wants me to divorce my husband while he hasn’t said anything abt divorcing his wife, whats that? I just want us to be seeing each other secretly. I dnt love my husband but he is paying for my education and supporting me financially so hs still useful for now

    Reply
  • Williams March 20, 2016, 2:53 am

    I am married for twenty years and we have three kids,I love my wife somuch.I take care of her needs.we never had problems with our sexual life, but for five months she was attracted to her bus driver who is twenty years younger to her. It was accidentally she was caught by her phone call recorder when I was listening to music from her phone.when asked she confessed saying that like him and only want to talk to him since he talks so sweetly and never had any plans physically.But her conversations were very disturbing ones,she pays his phone bills,cook food for him and buys clothes,expensive mobile and gives him money when ever he wants.She calls him at least ten times a day and talks to him.all those talks appear their love and intimacy. Initially my wife denied but later on confessed but gave all the information to her boy friend. Some of the talks she never shared with me but with him.I am totally depressed and lost my body weight and restless all the time and I am very isolated man now.My wife even threatened me to kill me also raised her hand on me many times when enquired for all this nonsense.I am really in trouble to save my married life.Many times attempted to commit suicide and started drinking alcohol and smoking which I never had these habits before. My wife says I forgot him but has soft corner towards him.I love my wife with all these taken place in my life.Please answer and keep my name a secret please.

    Reply
  • Cece March 20, 2016, 9:24 am

    Sorry williams i can only imagine the pain but i think u can do better kicking her out and finding somebody more decent i know its easy, but shes taking advantage of u.

    Reply
    • Williams March 20, 2016, 11:14 am

      Cece I that of kicking her off from my life but my children and my wife’s true confessions, in these I am sandwiched, frankly speaking I never ever have seen any women with bad intentions and neither wanted one to have sex when all my friends takes pleasure in other women, always my wife was treated as my strength and she was my everything, but could not digest this and blame myself each moment cursing myself.I stopped talking with most of my friends and colleagues and lost interest in going to church and reading bible and above all losing interest in children too. Finally, I did not find anyone to share my problems so that I could get some relief and comforted, that’s why I have posted a very little on this site. Thank you Cece

      Reply
  • Rachael Sheridan March 27, 2016, 12:28 pm

    Im in a 9year realtionship i am 23years old and have a child with my partner our realtionship is good but i find myself more and more interested in other men our realtionship is far from.perfect and he has done somethings in the past,that have made me feel insacure about myself iv caught him watchen porn when i have begged him to(after you have a baby you dont feel to good about yourself) but he hasnt done it since but i still feel really insacure about myself and i dont no if i can get over it if anyone has any suggestions

    Reply
  • mumu April 2, 2016, 4:00 pm

    I think we were ment to have sex with a variety of different people no wonder y some of us r not satisfied with one partner, 2 is ok for me. Y shud I be just for one person who finds it hard to satisfy me. Its my life its my my choice

    Reply
  • chichi April 2, 2016, 4:02 pm

    I will do who I want and when I want.

    Reply
  • Dawn July 4, 2016, 10:44 am

    Really? “Have sex. Even if you don’t want to”. You know this is the reason rape culture exists, right? No woman OR man should be pressured into having sex. Period. It will NOT bring the attraction back. If anything, it will make her resent him even more for HAVING to have sex with him.
    Ladies, DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT have sex when you do not want to. This IS rape. Period. You need to want to have sex and to give consent. Not do it because you are married. Ridiculous.

    Reply
  • Killma August 15, 2016, 3:46 am

    Reading this makes me sick as I’ve been through a cheating relationship before and that’s no excuse. I’m currently in a 20 year relationship with the new Satan and sex us crap along with every thing else and would even consider leaving her if I could be bothered, at the moment I just exist nothing more.

    But I do know one thing if it’s over and when split I would never cheat on her and nor jump into bed like a man whore, I would give her the respect of 20 years mentally bashing me down and slow down and carefully choose a good person or become a monk depending if my penis falls off before I left.

    Any way that’s what I get for settling down with the dark Lord…

    Reply

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