Why am I attracted to other men, but not my husband?
Q: I want my marriage to work. It’s the right thing for my kids, plus I am afraid of being alone with 2 children. My husband is a good man. Good men are hard to find. At the same time, I don’t feel that physical connection with him anymore. I don’t even like him touching me, but I am extremely physically attracted to someone else. Why is it that this other man can make me feel so good and my husband can no longer do this for me? What should I do? – Woman in a Marriage Crisis
Dear Woman in a Marriage Crisis,
Just like nearly everything in life, no relationship is perfect. One man might be a great lover, but not a great conversationalist. Another might be a great provider, but a terrible lover. Few if any people have every single quality we desire in a mate.
Once you allow yourself to accept this fact, you’ll have a much easier time seeing the shortcomings of your marriage as problems that you can solve over time. Rather than seeing your lack of attraction to your husband as a fatal flaw—one that can only be solved by either replacing him or cheating on him—you’ll look into ways to build a healthy attraction.
Excluding that temporary insanity that most of us feel during the early days of a relationship, long-term attraction is not a magical quality that you either have or don’t. You can create it. I know this because I did just that in my own marriage. A few years ago, I would have rather had all of my toenails extracted than have sex with my husband. Now I look forward to it (the sex, not the toe nail removal).
This is what I recommend:
* Launch Project: Attraction. Tell your husband about it. Explain that your yearning for him has waned over the years and that you’d like to get it back. Be honest. Reveal your weakness for other men. Tell him that you want your marriage to work and that you don’t want to have an affair, but you are afraid that you might. Ask him to help you fall back in love with him.
* Start having sex on a regular basis, even if you don’t want to do it. Sex helps build a connection that will turn into a healthy attraction over time.
* Deal with any turn-offs. If he needs dental care, tell him. If he needs to spend more time on personal hygiene, tell him.
* Teach him how to romance you. Give him an instruction manual.
* Teach him how to please you in bed. Again, if needed, given him an instruction manual. Also, add variety to your sex life. In long-term relationships, monogamy often turns into sexual monotony, but it doesn’t have to. Be creative and be willing to try new things.
* Touch often. It’s really the simple things that keep a marriage going. Hug before you leave the house or when you come home. Hold hands. Sit closely on the couch. Stroke his arm or pat his back. Constantly be looking for new ways to have skin-to-skin contact.
* Be transparent. Allow him to know the real you and vice versa. The more you get to know each other on a deeper level, the more your attraction will grow.
* Put on blinders. It’s normal to occasionally feel attracted to other people. You’re married. You’re not a eunuch (or whatever the female version of one would be called). You can look, but you can’t touch. Practice the art of healthy self-control. Learn how to release your attachment to wanting it all. Learn how to be happy with the wonderful man you already have.
Do you have advice for Woman in a Marriage Crisis? Leave a comment.
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Tags: Marriage Advice
May 29th, 2009 at 11:37 am
This is a paramount issue, I find, although not a very popular one in conversation.
I never would have guessed that you felt that way about sex with your husband a few years ago, Alisa. Look at that. I guess it’s easy to forget the writer is a real person too when she seems to have all the answers
This is useful advice!
I’d like to know what you think Woman in Marriage Crisis should do if she becomes unable/unwilling to rebuild her attraction toward her husband. Couple’s counseling? Swinging? Stock up on some courage and get a divorce?
Also, perhaps some example phrases about how to break it to your partner that he, um, just doesn’t do it for you anymore (OUCH).
May 29th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Yes, staying in a marriage is a decision. So is getting out of one. Having an affair is a middle ground: it’s wishy washy. It’s about not making a decision. People have them because they don’t think they will get caught. If hidden cameras were positioned everywhere in the world and our spouses really could find out about our every move, most people would be forced to really make a decision: is sex with this person worth ending my marriage? Perhaps the answer is, “hell yes!” Most of the time, the answer is, “Nah.”
So, to answer your questions: yes, if the marriage is not workable, then divorce is the next step. Maybe she’s unable or unwilling to rebuild her attraction to her husband because the marriage is toxic, for example. (I didn’t get that from the emailer, though). If she’s only with him because she’s too scared of the alternative: she should try the alternative.
As for phrases. I think this is what I would say:
* I am not attracted to you anymore, but I really wish I was. I want to be attracted to you again and am looking into ways to make that happen.
Does it sting? Probably, but it’s true and it’s honest and it’s geared toward solving the problem. I’d understand if my husband said as much to me. Yes, it would hurt, but catching him in the act of having sex with someone else? That would hurt a lot more.
May 30th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
What should the husband do if he suspects that this is a question from his wife? Was it asked knowing that he would see it? Is she baiting him? Should he ask her about it? And if he is wrong, would it be a sign of mistrust to just ask? If he trusts her, should he ask even though he thinks that she will not physically act on it? Is it ok for Woman in a Marriage Crisis to continue contacting and seeing the other man? Would that be sort of infidelity? Would that relationship be appropriate to continue in any form?
July 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am
Alisa–Your responses to this question are SO helpful. It’s so refreshing to hear from someone that lack of attraction is in fact NOT a dealbreaker in and of itself. It’s so nice to know that it can build (and to hear that you and your husband were able to do it!). It’s so nice to know that feeling attraction to other men is an eye-opener, yes, but not necessarily end to your own marriage. To the Man in a Marriage Crisis–Absolutely ask–gently and lovingly–it may open all kinds of doors for discussion. I personally have this experience with other men all the time. These relationships are NOT affairs–not even close. I am just hyper-aware to how the other men are able to make me feel. And also hyper-aware to the fact that my husband in not currently able to do the same. It’s a sinking sickening feeling, and it CAN lead to affairs. But, do not assume the worst.
April 17th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
I am a man in a marriage crisis. My wife recently cheated on me with a co-worker of hers, and it has been a challenging period since then. She says that she is committed to getting us back to where we were before, where our love seemed endless, we looked forward to sex, we were all for one another. Since this other man has come into the picture, he has been the bain of my existence. The problem we are having now is that she says that she has feelings for the other man but she still loves me, and she does not want me to leave, but it has been affecting our sex life, as she wants to have sex with the other man, rather than having sex with me. She says that I still please her sexually, but then she does not know why she wants to have sex with the other man even though he is not as good as I am.
Is she telling the truth? do you believe that I should stay and work this out? She had sex with the man over a month ago, and her feelings for the man have not wained in any way, should I take it as a sign that our marriage has ended? It would hurt to believe that the marriage has ended, but I would rather it ended, than be living a lie. Your advice is very much appreciated.