Why am I attracted to other men, but not my husband?

Q: I want my marriage to work. It’s the right thing for my kids, plus I am afraid of being alone with 2 children. My husband is a good man. Good men are hard to find. At the same time, I don’t feel that physical connection with him anymore.  I don’t even like him touching me, but I am extremely physically attracted to someone else. Why is it that this other man can make me feel so good and my husband can no longer do this for me? What should I do? – Woman in a Marriage Crisis

Dear Woman in a Marriage Crisis,

Just like nearly everything in life, no relationship is perfect. One man might be a great lover, but not a great conversationalist. Another might be a great provider, but a terrible lover. Few if any people have every single quality we desire in a mate.

Once you allow yourself to accept this fact, you’ll have a much easier time seeing the shortcomings of your marriage as problems that you can solve over time. Rather than seeing your lack of attraction to your husband as a fatal flaw—one that can only be solved by either replacing him or cheating on him—you’ll look into ways to build a healthy attraction.

Excluding that temporary insanity that most of us feel during the early days of a relationship, long-term attraction is not a magical quality that you either have or don’t. You can create it. I know this because I did just that in my own marriage. A few years ago, I would have rather had all of my toenails extracted than have sex with my husband. Now I look forward to it (the sex, not the toe nail removal).

This is what I recommend:

* Launch Project: Attraction. Tell your husband about it. Explain that your yearning for him has waned over the years and that you’d like to get it back. Be honest. Reveal your weakness for other men. Tell him that you want your marriage to work and that you don’t want to have an affair, but you are afraid that you might. Ask him to help you fall back in love with him.

* Start having sex on a regular basis, even if you don’t want to do it. Sex helps build a connection that will turn into a healthy attraction over time.

* Deal with any turn-offs. If he needs dental care, tell him. If he needs to spend more time on personal hygiene, tell him.

* Teach him how to romance you. Give him an instruction manual.

* Teach him how to please you in bed. Again, if needed, given him an instruction manual. Also, add variety to your sex life. In long-term relationships, monogamy often turns into sexual monotony, but it doesn’t have to. Be creative and be willing to try new things.

* Touch often. It’s really the simple things that keep a marriage going. Hug before you leave the house or when you come home. Hold hands. Sit closely on the couch. Stroke his arm or pat his back. Constantly be looking for new ways to have skin-to-skin contact.

* Be transparent.
Allow him to know the real you and vice versa. The more you get to know each other on a deeper level, the more your attraction will grow.

* Put on blinders. It’s normal to occasionally feel attracted to other people. You’re married. You’re not a eunuch (or whatever the female version of one would be called). You can look, but you can’t touch. Practice the art of healthy self-control.  Learn how to release your attachment to wanting it all. Learn how to be happy with the wonderful man you already have.

Do you have advice for Woman in a Marriage Crisis? Leave a comment.

169 comments… add one

  • Persephone September 14, 2013, 11:07 pm

    I wish I could say that this dilemma was a recent thing in my marriage (7 years in October), but alas it is not. I am starting to think we got married way too fast. We only knew each other for 6 months before we got engaged and then married a month later. I was only 3 months out from ending a 5 year abusive relationship. My mother even asked me on my wedding night if I was sure, and at the time I thought I was. Now I am not so sure. We have two small children together so I want to make things work for their sake, but I just don’t physically want to be intimate with my husband any more. He doesn’t even turn me on in the least and I cannot have an orgasm when we do have sex, but I have no issues bringing my self to one. He has put on some weight over the last few years (he has 100 pounds on me), but he was once attractive to me. I just really do not know what to do because sometimes I don’t even want to be around him. Any time I try to talk to him about how I feel he always makes it about him, and how he feels underappreciated. He used to complain to his best friend about how I didn’t work, but now that I do work he complains about me not being home. I just don’t know what to do anymore, or if its even worth trying to save my marriage.

  • londie October 19, 2013, 11:17 pm

    It seems like your husbands weight gain has a lot to do with how you feel. Perhaps couples therapy may work. Your husband may be dealing with issues of his own to let himself go. The strain of life can make it hard to stay in love. But remember that life is full of ups and downs and relationships are almost always difficult. If you divorce your husband in some ways your life will be harder because you will be a single parent with a new kind of problem. Talk to a professional about how you feel and invite your husband to join in. If you can’t afford therapy, try a spiritual mentor like a pastor, priest or rabbi. Try to be mindful that how you resolve your relationship problems will teach your children how to resolve their own when they grow up.

  • Rachel November 1, 2013, 5:55 am

    Why would she want to put effort and time with someone who clearly is very difficult and not meeting her needs anymore. The best thing you can do for your
    kids is to love yourself, be happy and find what makes you happy. They will survive if you opt to not be with your husband. They will most likely thrive and be in a better place because you will be listening to your inner voice and not allowing someone to put you down about working or disregard what you need. Putting on 100 pounds is unacceptable and clearly there are issues going on with your husbands self-esteem. He is not a good role model for your kids as far as eating healthy. I am not attracted to my husband, I can arouse myself too, and I find other men attractive as well. Emotionally I have been really hurt and extremely frustrated by my husbands actions. We’ve come to the point where he is frustrated and says we act like roommates. One of the issues for me is that he is a selfish lover. For me it’s hard to want to start something when you know you will end up unsatisfied and disappointed, while they have got what they abated without asking how you feel or being concerned that you are disappointed. Sad and I have seriously been contemplating leaving my husband. I want to be happy and be a priority.

    • anthony November 9, 2014, 12:55 pm

      He need to leave you and the way u talk you for sure end up with a person who will hurt you badly some people deserve that and the man that loved you truly will find a real mate and live happy ever after and you will be calling begging please remember what goes around comes back around

      • Sebhai November 19, 2014, 1:02 am

        I agree with you,and my husband is just like yours..I had an affair but he still refused to leave me after he found out…

        I hope he does,she would be happier,I know I would…

  • Joy November 16, 2013, 2:28 am

    I am 42 years old, and recently divorced from a man I was married to for almost ten years. There are a lot of these comments I can relate to, but the only thing we all have in common is that our situations are all unique and need different solutions. I was initially attracted to my husband while we were dating, emotionally, and somewhat physically, though it was not a strong attraction. Over the years, he began to job hop, lost a few jobs, and ran up a lot of credit card debt that he concealed from me. When I found out about it and gently confronted him, he became defensive and shut me out. Then he blamed me for treating him poorly. At that point I lost what little attraction I had left for him. Our marriage lasted another two years, with me always trying to break through, encourage honesty and affection, and him always doing the opposite of anything I might suggest. Ironically, he was the one to leave me, and although devastated, there was also a strange sense of relief. We have two beautiful little girls who are with me 90% of the time. Life is a struggle, but I do feel i put myself into my marriage and also set boundaries of respect for myself. When you set healthy boundaries for yourself and your spouse chooses to leave, it’s not your fault. I think in many cases, a woman feels physically unattracted to her husband because she is emotionally/ spiritually not attracted to or compatible with her husband. And vice versa-a man can also feel this way about his wife. Honesty is the only way, even if it is hurtful. There’s a kind way to say almost anything, and it gives your spouse the respect of trusting that they should be mature enough to handle honesty. None of us are perfect. I’m sure there have been periods where I was unattractive to my husband! He saw me through good and bad. There should be enough more emotionally and spiritually to a marriage to sustain where physical attraction wanes. And this means more than someone being a good provider and a nice guy. Belief in God, common life goals, these help.

  • pauline January 4, 2014, 3:54 pm

    I love my husband but I don’t like him touching me I met a guy from work for the first time which her conected very quickly, .ive Only had conversations with I’m, every time I think about him I feel turned on plus we have been txt each other we are both
    in a relationship which is not great he is only with him for the kids. He is a bit younger than me. I’m confused whY should I do????? Help

    • Gee March 18, 2015, 5:23 am

      Guy u are a horrid person… What’s with you rancid folk posting such things… People are on here because they need advice… N if they didn’t give a shit they wouldn’t want advice n would walk away without a thought… And Anthony u r a douche bag too… How dare u say such things… No one knows a persons story or both sides u judgemental chauvinistic old fashioned man… Grow up

  • sara April 6, 2014, 6:09 pm

    I feel the same way.. I have two very young boys i got pregnant with our first kid 3 mo after we met. Im scared to try to raise them on my own. I have over 3 years before they are both in school. But im not physically attracted to my husband. I havent’ been for a long time. I almost cringe when he touches me. And when we do have sex i cant wait till its over. I need advice. I know he truly loves me and that makes it hard because i dont want to hurt him. But im not happy. I need my heart to feel something in order to be happy in a relationship.

    • deena April 9, 2014, 2:59 pm

      I feel the same way.i don’t want to have sex with my husband at all. I cringe and hate him touching me. We have 4 beautiful kids so I am here for them only. My husband and I no longer have same beliefs. I thought I had those same beliefs but just came to realize I faked it. I feel so ashamed and go not have the courage to tell him how I feel.

  • Melissa April 22, 2014, 9:23 am

    I’m feeling completely the same.
    I met someone at work who is 7 years younger then me, we started talking and texting a lot a couple years ago. He told me he had feelings and said everything I wanted to hear. I fell pregnant to my husband at the time, but I had felt an attraction towards this other man. He pulled away from me because he said it was best for the both of us. I struggled with that. I returned back to work when my baby was 6 months old. Instantly when I see him my heart would beat fast. We go in and out of talking, if he pulls away and doesn’t talk to me I get depressed. I don’t want my husband to touch me and I get turned on so easily when I look at the man I’m attracted to. It’ feels like it’s that bad that I wouldn’t even care if my hubby cheated on me cause I feel like it could give me a way out.
    The thing is he is the only man I have ever been with so I’m not sure whether that is why I’m so confused as well. I know I should stay away from the other guy but it’s like I am weak when it comes to him… Even though I don’t believe he has those feelings anymore.

    I don’t know how to handle this at all.

    • Jo December 20, 2014, 9:22 am

      Hi Melissa,

      How is your situation now? It sounds really similar to mine. I am 6 weeks pregnant with my partners child but I have an ongoing attraction with a married man at work who is 6 years younger then me. We had a drunken snog or 2 about a year and a half ago and it was the most incredible kiss ever. Neither of us have been able to forget about it since! We’ve become good friends over the last 6 months and I decided to tell him when I found out I was pregnant. It opened a can of worms and instead of putting a lid on the situation it has exacerbated it because we ended up sharing our feelings about each other. I think because of my pregnancy hormones my attraction to him is unbearably intense, a touch of the hand is like an electric shock! He also has 2 children so it’s the most impossible situation. I love my partner like my best friend but the attraction and our sex life is remote! I know this man has to be forgotten about but it’s really really tough!

      • Melissa March 9, 2015, 8:17 pm

        Unfortunatley I don’t feel things are better jo,

        I left the workplace in the hope of cutting the connection, but I just feel depressed cause I miss him so much and I quite often when I’m on my own spend the day in bed crying cause I don’t understand why this is happening.
        My hubby is a good man and a great father but I just feel like we have grown apart and I have changed I don’t know how to get myself back..
        For my family I wan too but I am struggling
        Melissa´s last blog post ..What does your to-do list have to do with happiness? Just about everything.

  • Jen May 7, 2014, 3:50 pm

    I feel the same way about my husband. Actually I had an affair with another man which he found out about and the affair is over. It’s been over 6 months since it ended but I still have no desire to be intimate with my husband. We’ve been married 11 years and have two children. He has forgiven the affair and wants to improve our marriage and recognizes we both contributed to the breakdown of the marriage even though I obviously did the worst possible thing in dealing with it by having an affair. We are in counseling, and I am doing everything I can to drum up those feelings but in truth I have not had them for many years. They died a slow death over a long period of time, due to many decisions we both made which allowed us to live in separate worlds without a true sense of connectedness to one another. Now I don’t even want that connectedness with him; the thought of it viscerally disgusts me.

    • anna August 19, 2014, 7:11 am

      I relate to your story…what’s going on now?

    • Ashley September 14, 2014, 4:15 am

      We are in the exact same boat. I left for my affair partner but came back to try and fix the marriage for my kids sake. I feel the same way about sex and I just don’t know how I can make it work. Do you think we could start emailing?? I would love to talk to someone who understands.

      • Helen September 15, 2014, 12:35 pm

        Ashley, in the same boat. Can email if you’d like to talk further

      • Ashley September 15, 2014, 7:28 pm

        My email address is ashleyneale37@gmail.com
        I need to talk to other women in the same situation. I actually feel so depressed about this at times that it feels like there is no hope or joy in my life or in the future.

      • Elaine October 22, 2014, 6:46 am

        I am having similar issues. I need to talk to other women with the same issues. If you get a moment, email me at elambert26@gmail.com. I would like to know how things are for you now – if they’ve improved and how you were able to reconcile the problems.

      • lulu January 25, 2015, 4:42 pm

        I really need someone to listen to me and give me advice too… I’m having a lot of issues with all the men that I have had, I feel attracted to them for a little while and then I’m bored and want to be with another, what should I do plz need some advice

    • S101 February 1, 2015, 2:58 pm

      I am in the same situation. I have been married 4 and a half years to my husband; however, after we were married, I noticed he became controlling and insecure. I don’t know if it was due to him not being employed at the time, but this occurred. If I had to stay at work for a meeting, he would accuse me of cheating and fuss about the time I came home. He did find a job, but things only got continuously worse. I lost my job. He began to be more controlling and jealous. I got prefers 1 year and a half into our marriage and miscarried out first child. I had NO positive support from him. After these things, I began to emotionally, sexually, and mentally withdraw from my husband. I got preggers again and during this time had a healthy baby girl; but he didn’t make that experience good either. He fusses when I opt not to: eat a selection of all he cooks, have sex and take a nap. He has a bad anger streek and throws things. If a person, man or woman, speaks to me first and not him, he fusses and acts out. He watches to see who’s looking at me when we go places. At times, I don’t want to glance out of the window. I’ve been told repeatedly…I’m not a good wife and humiliated in front of my family because I don’t want more children or to have sex with him. He was being manipulative and mentally abusive towards me. These are things that have progressively and continuously occurred over the past 4 and a half years of my marriage. I became completely withdrawn from him. Last January I wanted to be seperated. In October I met someone. For 3 months, I conversed with him and eventually…I had an affair. Currently, we are going through a divorce.

      • hopelessandlost February 19, 2015, 8:21 pm

        My husband and I have fought off and on. He lets others influence how he thinks, who he is. His home life as a child as well as his childhood, has been messed up. This post traumatic stress was never dealt with, and carried on throughout his adulthood. His self esteem, poor self image, mental issues, etc, made it hard for me for a long time to want intimacy with him after marriage. I finally was able to enjoy life again with him, including the sex, then he hit rock bottom and had a major mental breakdown and I thought he might kill himself or hurt me. No one would let me act on his behalf, that is how it is in my state. He was very ill, dellusional, sad, angry, anxious about death, worrying tiredlessly about his health conditions, the list goes on and on. From on going criticism and scare tactics, unneccessary behaviors on certain individuals behalf’s it made life all too much for him. If anyone has someone in their life who is bipolar or has a lot of stuff going on, do not add to their stress by telling them how to live their life, what religion is right. Love them for who they are, everyone. It makes me so upset. They drove him insane, insane over Jesus. Now I am almost hateful towards my God and what faith I did have is seizing to exist more and more by what I witnessed with my husband. If they really wanted to help, they should have helped us with financial issues, his mental health, etc. Now I cannot even see or speak with him until the judge says so. I do not blame him, I blame the stupidity of others who did nothing to help him. Including the doctors who gave him a poor evaluation and the wrong meds, etc. I know how it feels. I am on a mission, with my family’s support to better my life, to where I can move to be with him and we can have a better life, because we deserve it, dang it.

  • Toufeeqah July 6, 2014, 9:16 am

    Im 21 yrs old, been married for 2 yrs now to a man who is twice my age, we have a beautiful baby boy. My husband and i dont get along and sex is’nt great at all, i have thought of getting a divorce as a matter of fact we have discussed it but he does’nt really care, he says ‘if u want to get divorced then fine, go ahead’, that tells me he does’nt care about our marriage, the reason why i keep on changing my mind is simple, if we get divorced i have nowhere to go, i dont know what to do, please help me

    • killer January 24, 2015, 5:36 pm

      Ur a beautiful angel…
      Sit at home and think of al;l options u have… make yours and the childs life beatful…
      LIVE YOUR LIFE…. respect and leaver the guy… dont contact him again…. UR BEAUTIFUL

  • angel August 5, 2014, 7:42 pm

    I lv my husband but some times I feel he is no more intrsted to me we can’t divorce even he is nor undrstnding my feelings my thoughts what should I do

    • killer January 24, 2015, 5:39 pm

      try more love…. the right amount… no response ? be yourself…. tell him whats wrong… give him options…. still no cure…. leave him… please find someone better (not temporary)…. wask what he seeks in fututre…

  • lost August 25, 2014, 4:26 am

    I’m 23 and have a 2 year old son. His father and I have been on and off for 9 years. I can’t stand the thought of having sex with him. We don’t even live together but now he wants to. I hate being so shallow but when we have sex I feel violated, disgusted. I can’t stand looking up at him when he’s on top of me I can’t get into it. I’m in love with a guy who I love having sex with. I think of him always. If it wasn’t for my son I’d leave him. He loves me so much he manipulates me n threatens suicide when I mention breaking up with him. I could just die.

  • disconnected September 5, 2014, 2:31 pm

    Hi ladies. I am in a similar situation as everyone else, but especially OP. Married at 1 year, it has been 7 now. We are expecting our first baby. My husband was even in denial that I could be pregnant because we have sex so rarely. I am not attracted to my husband and for years he said he was still attracted to me, but that my lack of passion has turned him off. I used to be extremely sexual. I feel that is part of the reason our sex was good in the beginning, because I was such a sex kitten. When we have sex, it sometimes still feels good. I have found that what I need now is more of a connection. When I was younger I was okay with meaningless sex, but being married and mostly monogamous ( I have sexted with someone in the past) I have found that I am just not turned on to be with only my husband. I desire other men, random guys who I have short conversations with who I find sexy. So I know that I am not dead inside. I really want my marriage to work, even though I had cold feet from the get go and our marriage has been basically sex less the whole time. I know it is not JUST my husband’s fault. And it is very easy to blame him. But it takes two. My biggest issue is that I do not always feel like I can talk to my husband about my true feelings because it hurts him so much. It crushes his spirit and changes the dynamics of our relationship, which worries me tremendously. We have to be open and honest with each other or we will never change and only grow further apart. We tried counseling at about year 3, but did not give it 100%. We also have watched couples help videos and he was kind of negative about the exercises and again we didn’t give it 100% at year 5. I have tried going on my own to therapy but ended up not liking the therapist. But she did ask me, do you love your husband? The answer is sometimes, but usually I do not really feel like I do, However, I still get little glimmers of my love for him and that gives me hope. He really is a great guy, and let’s face it NO ONE is perfect. The men that we lust over now, will likely end up having similar or worse problems, maybe it will be better. There is no way of honestly knowing. But, regardless, I believe if you want something to work you have to WORK at it. Marriage is NOT easy. My new favorite quotes: “The grass is greener on the other side because it has been fertilized with bullshit.” ” The grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it” Good luck and give it 100% or none.

  • In the same boat September 18, 2014, 7:34 am

    I’m married for one year 3 months and my husband done show me love whatsoever!Only if he wants to then he will..we have sex once a week and we don’t even kiss only 3 to 4 pecks in a day wtf right?we have a 8 month old baby girl and he don’t really help me cos he feels it’s not his “job” when we dated he showed me this person that swept my feet off the ground and after marriage he completely changed!Im not sexually or physically attracted to him anymore agh and I’ve spoken to him about n still there’s no improvements i don’t want to waste my time on him cos I’m only 21

  • stacie September 27, 2014, 9:53 am

    I have a partner and I love him but we never have sex. I recently met another man and we are really attracted to eachother. We text all the time and have met up but didn’t kiss or anything. I will cheat on my partner because I need sex and attention. I feel like my man is my best friend but not my lover. I dont know what to do. I love him but I need to be physically attracted to him and I am not. I hate myself for thinking this way but I just dont know what to do. I cant sleep and get so down about it.

  • Jessica September 29, 2014, 1:56 pm

    I just came across this article and I have to say that I’m on the same boat. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years, I love the man he is an amazing person but there’s no spark I don’t want him to touch me I cringe when he eludes to wanting to have sex or when he’s trying to be sex I can’t stand it I find it so disgusting. We are in therapy and for awhile we started having sex more then once a month..but I regressed back to not wanting him I even started fantasizing about an old high school friend that I ran into. I don’t know what to do I want to leave but I know I can’t because that means I would have to go back to leaving with my parents. Sometimes I hate being an adult lol.

    • jc October 1, 2014, 4:11 pm

      That’s exactly how I feel! If this doesn’t work, I have to move back home and start all over! And that scares the crap out of me! And the affair I had was with a highschool crush! I don’t even care to touch my husband and don’t want him touching me ever. And he of course knows this and hates it. Makes him feel like shit. And we fight about it. But nothing ever really changes. Been this way for a few years now. Sucks. Not sure what to even do anymore. Just keep. trying or get the fuck out! Which is easier said then done.. .:(

    • hopelessandlost February 19, 2015, 8:33 pm

      Yeah, I had to move back temporarilly. It sucks I must say. I wish I could afford a place of my own. Not on my sad wages, though. Just go back to school, find a better job, save and save to move again. If you are separated as I am, now is the time to live for you, do what you need to, what you held back on. I am trying to get a pell grant and go from there. i am doing it not just for him, to be with him again, but for me more so. Just something to consider.

  • jc October 1, 2014, 4:05 pm

    I too am in same boat. I have been with my husband 5 years, married for 3 and I just don’t know how to get back to how we used to be in the beginning. Which is probably impossible… I miss the butterflies I got and the excitement and this kissing. I know it’s impossible to keep these exact feelings but I don’t know how to get over it. I have an affair two years ago. My husband forgave me right away but I know itstill huryhurts him. I know he loves me more then I love him and that just doesn’t seem fair. I can’t stop thinking about the guy I had an affair with. We had history and I can’t seem to forget about him. Which makes it harder. Just can’t help but wonder if my husband and I both could be happier with different people. Since we fight constantly. I feel we bring out each others worst sometimes. I know love and relationships aren’t perfect but they have to be better then this!? No?….. Ugh. So hard

  • Ashley October 1, 2014, 8:19 pm

    I just thought I’d update….we lasted 2 months and then I decided my soul will be destroyed if I stay with someone I’m not connected to. I know I would end up having affairs again so to be kind to both of us we need to let each other go. I told him 2 weeks ago. He took it quite well as he could feel that I wasn’t happy. I am looking for my own place now and the sheer RELIEF I feel is incredible. I know I’m in for a hard road financially and also having to juggle single parenthood will be a challenge, but I know I’ve made the right decision. Ladies, I don’t believe that we should stay in relationships where we have zero physical attraction for our husbands. It’s a recipe for disaster for everyone involved. You need to dig deep, be gutsy, learn how to adapt to new living situations and allow yourself the chance to have a full relationship. It does exist!! Good luck everyone.

  • Sarah October 5, 2014, 2:54 am

    I find it so reassuring to hear that I am not the only woman with this issue. I have been with my husband for 17 years but married for 7. I was 18 when we met and still exploring my sexuality. I remember being excited by him and falling in love with him. Over the last several years though, sex has become a chore and I have no interest in him sexually anymore.

    I can identify with so many of the comments I have read here. I do love my husband and have tried to leave him before but couldn’t follow through. I have had several affairs but recognize that the sexual attraction alone is not enough to build another relationship on. I want to have it all with my husband but am becoming more and more discouraged. My lack of interest as well as other stressors in our marriage often cause arguments. He believes it is a physical problem and encourages me to seek medical help. I know that it is not but I am too afraid to tell him because I know he will be hurt.

    We do not have children but do have other family circumstances that make things complicated. I desperately want to believe that I can “fake it” enough to make him happy but also know that it’s not fair for either of us. Has anyone managed to get the spark back?

  • renee October 17, 2014, 9:16 am

    Ok im married so im supposed to be devoted but he isnt ? i’m only attracted to only a very few guys far and inbetweeny idk what the hell is wrong with me yet?because i’m just starting to realize and i want to take action!!!!

  • Stteve October 20, 2014, 10:21 am

    These comment are very sad but interesting to me nonetheless.My wife finally got the intestinal fortitude to admit to me that she had an attraction issue with me. Of course, I already knew that and planted the seed that this might be an issue. This was painful for her and me. However, unless we are completely and brutally honest with ourselves and our significant others there really is no hope for change. Of course once a problem is identified, we need a solution and that is what can be illusive. One issue that is difficult in the admission is the feeling of being deceived. I think I felt cheated because she had hidden her feelings for over 30 years. At least she thought she was hiding her feelings as the reality is that they were manifest in many other ways, ie. lack of desire, passion for sex, weight gain, lack of self care etc..My first thought was that if you did not have feelings for me why did you not let me go and find someone who did. Not that I wanted to or would have but at least it would have been my choice. I think there is a lot of selfishness here–it certainly is not love. My opinion is that these issues are very complex and require an extreme amount of self examination concerning one’s motivations and desires. The reasons we select our partners to begin with probably put the ship in motion and the problems cascade from there. Many times these feelings are about our unhappiness with ourselves that we project onto others. If we do not get validated from our partners, then we become resentful. In my case, I do not think my wife was ready to married but I managed to manipulate and guilt her into it because I wanted her. Of course, she did not have the ability to admit to herself that she was not ready and saw me as a way to escape from an oppressive family environment and she was attracted to the fact that I seemed to have a life plan and she was just floating around. What was interesting is that during our first conflict, she turned me into her father figure (how attractive is that) and of course he ruled the roost with fear and anger. Her coping mechanism in her family was to please and appease. She felt she did not have the right to form or express her own opinion. Thus, rather than stand up for herself when we had a conflict, she just gave in and would do what was necessary to resolve the conflict. This went on for over 30 years. So she did not feel she was an equal in our “partnership” and grew resentful and full of self loathing for her lack of ability to be her own person. She is still struggling with identity issues. She just does not know who she is or who she wants to become. Until this is at least to some degree resolved, it is going to be difficult for her in any relationship, including the present one.

  • jack harrison November 1, 2014, 9:41 am

    i have been having a affair now with a married woman (i am single) now for six years , we love each other and we spend a lot of time together, we are next year going to be a couple, what i can not get my head round is that when she goes home at night that she could be having sex with her husband even though she says she dosent. is it possible not to have sex with someone say for 3 years and share the same bed

  • jack harrison November 1, 2014, 9:46 am

    i have been having a affair now with a married woman (i am single) now for six years , we love each other and we spend a lot of time together, we are next year going to be a couple, what i can not get my head round is that when she goes home at night that she could be having sex with her husband even though she says she dosent. is it possible not to have sex with someone say for 3 years and share the same bed

    • andreaid November 2, 2014, 1:02 pm

      I’m sorry buy she is lying to you. Because regardless whether she wants to or not she will still most likely do it just because. I am in a similar situation. I am the woman in this and though I love someone else I do still sleep with my husband just to keep him happy and not wondering about my life outside our marriage.

      • help November 19, 2014, 4:47 am

        Im sorry,she prob is still im in the boat and still sleep with my husband even tho my other man hates it.

    • Surburbanette May 4, 2015, 5:21 pm

      I’m may be in the minority here, but, yes you can be married and not have sex for three years. If she was going home and happily having sex with her husband, you wouldn’t be in the picture. I’m going on three years, now. It is very easy to resist half-as*ed advances from a husband and eventually nothing at all.

  • Empty & Numb November 12, 2014, 9:43 pm

    Long story short. 23 years of marriage. Spent 11 years alone with him. God blessed us (me) with our daughter 20 years ago. Now shes in college and im more alone now. Been praying for 23 years for God to make a way for us to be together, but nothing changes. For 20 years ive grown empty and numb and no longer desire my husband or do we have anything common to talk about. He works out of state for two weeks and then home for two weeks. I have so much more life and intimacy to give to someone who would jump at the chance to pursue another career to be home with me every night. I have built up so much resentment for him

  • confuse too November 13, 2014, 4:51 pm

    I am in the same boat. I’ve been married for 20 years, last seven years have being difficult after his first affair since then my desire for him has changed but after his second affair it is totally gone.
    I am here trying to save it????
    I believe that we all deserve to be happy, where ever and who ever makes us happy but we need to be honest with ourselves first.

  • Shane December 2, 2014, 12:41 pm

    I am married to my husband for a year.before thatwe have dated each other for a year.while dating him I was very much comfortable with him. Never felt anything physically about him. I belong to a very conservative background both socially and religiously..so I thought it was alright and everything is going to be alright after marriage. We had to struggle a lot to make our marriage happened because his family was against our relationship. But we fought all the problems together and got married. He is such a nice person and I love him a lot. But from the day we got married I understood that all those feelings have not changed and I don’t wanna have sex with my husband. But considering the religious point of view we did once after 2months of our marriage. After that I lost my interest even more and hate even the thought of being with him. He went for a course abroad for three months and I was infact mentally relaxed because I didn’t have to be with him. When he returned even then I didn’t let him touch me . Then he went again outside this year September for another year. I am happy about it. We are great as a couple. We have great understanding and love and respect for each other, but now its been one year of my marriage and we only had sex for once..I have become very frustrated about it. But I can’t share it with my husband. At first I thought I am having some problems but I am attracted to other men and can picture myself being with them but not my husband. I am feeling so helpless. I belong to such a family that thinking of divorce is prohibited for me and what I am going to tell him or my family that after so much struggling I married him now I want to leave him because I can’t even stand the thought of being with my husband physically but mentally and emotionally I love him..I desperately need help..

  • devastated December 2, 2014, 8:14 pm

    This all disgusts me. My wife obviously isn’t attracted to me anymore, I’ve given everything for her, I can’t believe some of you actually sin against your husbands just because u aren’t attracted to him anymore. That’s sick, and heartwrenching.

  • ruler December 5, 2014, 8:03 am

    Guys…u all have same situation..you all need to work on your relationships.As a person in my personal life Ive seen many of these thing’s..most of the wives who worked to resolve thing’s BTW husband and her are more happily living after because there honest helped them…many if the couple’s face this problem…many of you saying that you love your husband but feeling attracted to other person..k…if you cheat on your husband did he deserve that for simple mistakes he made..can u tell that that other man would love you for life?? May he don’t respect you after you leave your husband for him????he knows he cant trust you because you leaved your husband for someone why can’t you leave him.???think about these the otherguy who your in love with will came up with same reason to you once you told to your ex huaband..???what if the otherguy who you love is cheating on you for same reason your are talking???
    Think before you act…simple solution to make your releationships happy is
    Just find the problem…solution is always there..if your partner is good and caring person don’t ruin your releationships for you attracted to some short time.the most attraction to some other than your due to long term releationships, or your partner giving you less good time, or regular fights, or any sexual distractions.these things can be fixed if you willing too..and last thing don’t forget that once in a while your are attracted to the same person in your past.so you can do it again.

  • anna December 8, 2014, 1:19 pm

    am married since 7 years and was an arranged marriage .am a doctor and he is an enginere..from the first meeting itself i hated him…he is bald and only very little hair..and looked older too.whn we enquired came to know tht he is god fearing and strict teetotaller.so i agreed for th marriage…but i never felt sexual attraction towards him..he is working in Dubai and will come every six months…i hate these days and i got relief only aftr he left th place…He wants more sex but am not attracted…His mothr is very cunning and she is dealing alll his financial matters. He will hear only wht his mother is telling.Now we have a three year old girl and she loves him very much..but nowadays i dont even like to talk him and needseparatn..wht should i do.pls help me

  • Sarah December 11, 2014, 8:36 am

    I think it is natural to lose an attraction to someone over the years. Its possible that mental and emotional feelings have something to do with it as well. Relationships have up and downs Sometimes the negativity of certain issues can be held onto mentally or emotionally and when you have that going on it’s hard to be sexually attracted to that person when you can’t let go off the negative stuff. Maybe it’s time to let go of the negative and create some positive Just a thought

    • K January 5, 2015, 10:42 am

      Hey I am 32 Married for 5 yrs only. I am having serious problems with my housband because I have trust issues and he just told me that he had lied to me exactly because of that and that he is afraid of my reactions…. I am a monster. The reason why: I have memories of my mother and my father fighting since I was 5 till I was 16 when I begged my Dad to leave the house and leave my mom and told him that I would actually apreciate and respect that more than them saying they were doing it for the kids and the family. I have anger issues and very low self steem. Not only that…. I shout mean things to the people I love. Even though I understand what is the nature of all this …. I have tu struggle with the accumulated anger and fear that makes me loose control in the simplest situations. Dont do it for the kids…. u are not helping ANYBODY

  • Sarah December 11, 2014, 8:51 am

    Oh yeah one other thing I do not understand getting married to or being in a relationship with someone thst you never found sexually attractive. I’m sorry that is just looking for problems. I mean if there was once an attraction perhaps you can get it back but if there was never one in the first place then why bother I’m sorry I just don’t get that. I was very sexually attracted to my hubby in the beginning but yrs of mental and some physical abuse took its total on me and I lost the sexual attraction Years later a couple of affairs on my part some councelling separate and together and he is a different man someone I can love and desire. If he was this man yes ago I would of never lost the sexual attraction. Some of the hurt and angry come back to haunt me but asking as he stsys this new changed man I can look at him in a whole new way and this man use to disgust me at one time. I guess it’s about letting go of some things and holding on to what really matters to you. See the man you first married and you were attracted too let go of all the negative stuff from yrs of being together with he same person who is bound to annoy you over the years. For those people that were never attracted to your spouse in the first place I’m sorry I just don’t understand that.

  • Kristie December 26, 2014, 12:46 am

    I have been married for 13 years. In the beginning I was not attracted to my husband, I only married him because he was so into me. My low self esteem caused me to think no one would ever want or desire me enough to marry me. After having two kids, I went and lost 100lbs. When I stopped eating my emotions and heck broke loose. I realized that I am not happy, I don’t love my husband, I am not attracted to him. I have spent years trying to fix his problems, when the problem is me. Now I am scared to take the next steps to end this marriage. I feel horrible for the kids. They don’t deserve to have their world shattered. But I don’t deserve to waste years on a broken marriage, either. We have tried counseling, marriage retreats, books- love languages, Love/respect. I have worked and given it my all, but I am tired of living a my
    Iie. Reading these comments reconfirms my desire to get out.

  • Dillon January 4, 2015, 3:21 am

    This is all absolutely horrible. I will never get married. Looks like attraction has an expiration date and irregardless your spouse is going to desire to nail someone else at some point. Why get married in the first place? I’m not pointing fingers at any of you or anything. I think so much of it is just human nature, but it’s still horrible. I think i’ll castrate myself instead lol. Wish ya’ll luck.

  • lucky January 9, 2015, 6:32 am

    Same applays to me i dont have feelings for my husband any more but im not cheating

    • Talent Ngirichi March 4, 2015, 12:16 pm

      M confused too n in the same boat bt m flirting wth someone but never cheated n even scared to do so.

  • Cal January 12, 2015, 9:41 pm

    I have been married since 1981, Mostly in name since he day before we married to when he became very angry last year and forced me to have sex, When he tried talking to me about things for years we would get into horrible arguments about my promise to his father and his friends about me not having sex with him until he showed the responsibility to not force others to d what he could do with his seniority rights at work. I had told him 16 years before 2001 that he had to show he would be willing to not push his seniority at least for a couple of years after he came out of the military, just ease his way back into his job, get along with people just for a a year or two and not make people angry Due to his father and many f the concerns his father and his friends had of what they would have t deal with from their families and children if my husband took his rights at work, I managed to push their agenda from 1985 to 2001, The my husband became ill with a brain tumor. He was given a surgery that had a very low probability of survival at the time, but he did survive it and hat was the date of his last cooperation with m, his father or any one else, Two months after that surgery, He decided to take a job from the worst person he could have, the son of his fathers best friend and county commissioner. I promised to make our marriage both in bed and out my top priority if he just would not press his bid, I was told that I had used that promise without delivery the last 16 years, and he was not falling for it again, and told me to drop dead, His father and few other of his friends told him they would allow his taking of the next vacation slot and holiday group if he wanted if he would just please back down. My husband told them they had nothing to say he would start letting his seniority speak, Things that were for peace were exhausted so the decision was reached that my husband would be taught he had to just shut his trap and do as he was told by his social superiors, The Morning before the bid was to come down my husband arrived home, after another twelve hour shift, Four men got out of a van out front including the commissiners son and I lock the door , His father said earlier ii I did not lock the door and they had to come in to get my husband I could get roughed up to. So I did his father said my husband was a big man he could take it. They came up on he porch. And things became loud enough to bring everyone on the street out looking. my husband told them to shove it, and one wraped his arm around my husbands throat from behind and the next thing I saw was my husband looking like the cartoon tasmainian devil, His feet fists and everything seemed to move very hard and fast and when he was done four men were hurt and bleeding all over our porch one was screaming in the street were he landed. then I saw my husbands foot lash out and I had the front door and frame land in my lap. police and ambulance sirens cane up the street a few minutes later. My husband told me at that time next time I ever locked him out I was going to the ER myself. He then stood the door back up got a hammer and just placed it. Then went to clean the porch and talk to the police who were totally terrified someboby could do that much damage with his fists and feet, the police inerveiwed the witnesses who told them the four men jumped my husband and pronounced my husband acted n self defense as the ambulance was leaving his father showed up, he saw the blood al over the porch and saw my husband standing there with the hose, he came up crying who was hurt and how bad, my husband said when you go into the hospital you might ask if there was a surviver, his father said you hurt four men over a job my husband said I did not say how many there were, and told him to leave, his father said how are you going to learn you only have the rights offered you why couldn’t you have just backed down, The next 14 years has turned into a series of battles, Most with my husband retreating in front of shot guns, The last two years he has taken over the tide, Beginning last year when he discovered my affair with an old BF. My husband hurt him so bad after he tried to humiliate him, I found out he wakes up screaming in terror now and attempts no contact, His fathers best friend ended up getting twenty three suture last year after I was supposed to go with him to a political fund raiser. My husband threw him at his fathers wuindshieeld after my husband took my right of choice about sex from me told me I owed a 31 year dedt. And took me after I begged to get him his father and mother and his fathers friend together after the event and we would work everything out to every ones satisfaction. I was a beg for some type of negotiation to not get people angry with me my husband cared nothing for the promises I had made cared nothing for negotiation, really cared less of what any one but him wanted. That night was the beginning of a maximum amount of pain for who was becoming a shrinking group of friends, His father this memorial day was taught he had no say in my husbands house when my husband backhanded him after his father slapped him for being rude to his best friend by forcing him to run from our house for his life when my husband took a reservation that was made for him and me by his father his father was in surgery the next day with a broken jaw, then the end of July his farther decided to show my husband his rule of where I was invited he was to was not going to be allowed to stand him and two friends held my husband on his porch with pistols to go talk how we could get my husband cooperative again, I was firmly convinced this was never going to happen we had abused all trust he had and my husband proved it in front of 60 customers and four metro officers when he appeared table side swinging his cane the two men that held him at bay have to go though many months of reconstructive surgery now. my husband took the tip off his cane and pushed his father back into his seat and explained he was going to feel 32 years of pain over the next 32 seconds, if the police had let him continue he was going to kill his father in front of his mother, sister and her husband, the war has escalated my husband filed charges of attempted vehicular homicide today against another friend of his father after it was prove he forced my husband off the road into an eight foot deep ditch, We know it was suggested by his father but my husband says he wants paid for the care plus 20000, then he will withdraw the charge. As for myself the thought of refusing my husband again fills me with fear. O hurt to bad last time I tried resisting.

  • lulu January 25, 2015, 5:11 pm

    Plz I need someone to talk to..I have a lot of the same problems I am in desperate need of positive energy

  • Sanctuary January 26, 2015, 1:36 am

    Hi ladies.
    I feel for you all. I was in a similar situation about 6 months ago. I had been with my X for 5 years and we have a house. I’m 24 and he’s 35. Since I was 16 I was obsessed with real estate and promised myself I would make it in the industry. Nobodies fault but mine, I was in a job that had absolutely no relation or right of passage into real estate and I started to become frustrated. Not just with the job but the compounding issue that my x was lazy. He didn’t do the ‘manly’ chores around the house because he’d have to break a sweat. He had no 5 year plan, no motivation and no ambition for more in life(he is a beautiful soul and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’d make someone very happy I’m sure) These compounding issues made him repulsive to me. We did not have sex for 2/2.5years. I didn’t want him to touch me. He became fat and unattractive. We’ve been apart now 8 months and because his stuff is still at the house he has come over a few times and we talk, but like friends and I cherish that so much more! I’ve come to realise lately that men have 1 primal need and they confuse that with intimacy. I prefer intimacy than sex.
    I wonder if it would be of benefit to some relationships if you lived in separate house on the same block of land… I say this because my career/passion makes me unique and individual. And I find you lose yourself in a cohabiting relationship and you subconsciously have to consider the other person which is like an anchor on your personality, ambitions and personal progression. Some people might be luck with finding a like minded person, and others not. In summary, my priorities have shifted and I don’t want to rely on a relationship of convenience nor be someone’s ‘pressure relief’ toy. I hope my experience can assist in some way

  • Raine January 29, 2015, 11:38 am

    Hi everyone , I am new to this site , I don’t know where I’m supposed to start , I felt the same way with you guys , I have a husband and we have 2 kid , I don’t feel anything towards my husband anymore , we’ve been married for 6 years and it’s my first time having an affair last year 2014 I met a guy , and it feels like I have a connection with him , then in the end , I ended up seeing him , I usually go to his house , he’ll cook for me , we have a romantic night , his touch and everything felt like Im Inlove again , but this guy doesn’t have a wife or a kid , he knows I have a husband , but to make long story short , he asked me if I’m still having sex with my husband , and I told him yes , and he started telling me I should told him I got back with my husband again , he dumped me of course then start talking me nasty words , he doesn’t want to have sex with me if I’m still having sex with my husband ! It tores me , I hurts me so bad that he’s the one who dumped me , I just Dont understand why he reacted on that way, until now I can’t get over with him :( I still feel like I want to apologize and beg him to get back with me , help pls … I kept this to myself it’s feels like I’m going to explode I don’t know what to do :( , if someone can advice me , I really appreciated:(

    • S101 February 1, 2015, 7:06 pm

      Hello Raine!

      It seems like he wanted you for himself. Did you tell him that you were still sexually involved with your husband in the beginning? I wouldn’t try to get back with your affair guy unless you know you are going to leave your husband. This guy doesn’t like sharing. I don’t agree with his reaction in talking nasty words to you; however, this might suggest that he is hurt and upset. I hope this helps.

      • Lorraine February 1, 2015, 8:46 pm

        thank you for the response , he knows our sex life with my husband not the same as before , maybe he thinks and expecting were not totally active, he is my husband , for me no matter how our sex life change , it’s still my responsibility to make him happy And he is still my husband no matter what .. He is the father of my child . He knows from the start I got husband , and I know from the start he doesn’t want relationship …. It’s just pisses me off I always beg everytime were having a misunderstanding , but this time I can’t take it anymore I’m so done with him, what I do now , I kept myself busy taking care of my son , go to gym , do household chores , I think it’s working for me , I don’t give a shit with him anymore , I can’t stand a guy like him , he’s so damn selfish !

  • S101 February 1, 2015, 5:54 pm

    I am in the same situation. I have been married 4 and a half years to my husband; however, after we were married, I noticed he became controlling and insecure. I don’t know if it was due to him not being employed at the time, but this occurred. If I had to stay at work for a meeting, he would accuse me of cheating and fuss about the time I came home. He did find a job, but things only got continuously worse. I lost my job. He began to be more controlling and jealous. I got prefers 1 year and a half into our marriage and miscarried out first child. I had NO positive support from him. After these things, I began to emotionally, sexually, and mentally withdraw from my husband. I got preggers again and during this time had a healthy baby girl; but he didn’t make that experience good either. He fusses when I opt not to: eat a selection of all he cooks, have sex and take a nap. He has a bad anger streek and throws things. If a person, man or woman, speaks to me first and not him, he fusses and acts out. He watches to see who’s looking at me when we go places. At times, I don’t want to glance out of the window. I’ve been told repeatedly…I’m not a good wife and humiliated in front of my family because I don’t want more children or to have sex with him. He was being manipulative and mentally abusive towards me. These are things that have progressively and continuously occurred over the past 4 and a half years of my marriage. I became completely withdrawn from him. Last January I wanted to be seperated. In October I met someone. For 3 months, I conversed with him and eventually…I had an affair. Currently, we are going through a divorce.

    • Raine February 1, 2015, 9:01 pm

      I’m so sorry you’ve been in a rough situation :( hopefully you decide the right decision it’s all up to you , how’s Your affair ? He’s been good to you ?

      • S101 February 6, 2015, 6:55 pm

        Hello Raine!

        Thanks a lot. I am not trying to jump out of something and into something else. My affair knows I need space and understands. He wants to get me something for Valentine’s Day and be with me too. I opt not too cuz I need space and time. I’m not leaving my husband for him. I’m leaving my husband for myself and my child’s sake…dealing with his mess is not healthy nor is it a good example for our child.

        Don’t get me wrong. I like my affair a lot; however, I need to be fair to myself and him IF, in the late future, LOL, something is to blossom from it. I’m infatuated with him now…Who knows what the future holds for us? I opt not to rush in.

      • Raine February 6, 2015, 8:34 pm

        I’m glad your happy with your affair , you have the right to be happy , me i have no plan to divorce my husband it’s because he didn’t met my needs,
        I guess I can survive not having a romantic sex with him lol , I’m just thinking my son , he’s so close with his dad :( I love them both though , so your husband knows your having an affair ?

      • S101 February 11, 2015, 11:00 pm

        I got caught via text message. No nasty or obscene pictures, but my affair kept texting about the sex. I told him NOT to do that. I have NO clue what he was thinking, BUT he got me caught doing this. I NEVER cheated B 4 on anyone in my life…this is my first and last time doing something like that…it doesn’t provide an accurate reflection of who I am or what I stand for.

      • Raine February 12, 2015, 1:03 am

        Hi :) S101 Just do what you think is right and make you happy , that’s all it matters ! And my situations is different from yours , my affair I knew from the start that he doesn’t want to get married or have a family , so little by little I tried to accept the fact that it’s all fantasies what we have , and it’s just waste of my time for me , I can say I think I moved on already :) and I felt better because I have more time spending with my son , I started to get fit again :) , it helps me a lot occupy my time to do something good for myself and my family , and that would be my first and last affair I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t want to fool myself that I can never have anybody else but my husband in the end

      • Tal March 4, 2015, 12:24 pm

        M so sorry

  • Shalini February 4, 2015, 4:32 pm

    So I am not the only one going through these emotions. I am an Indian. I met my husband online some five years ago. Before meeting him I had few relationships that never lasted more than few months. He was a good friend to me and we connected very well. We had common interests and somewhat similar views about family and life. The only thing that was stopping me from having a relationship with him was his looks. He is tall and athletic, but have these pitted acne scars and is balding. And I know it is a pretty shallow thing to say but I am quiet fair (atleast by Indian standards) and he is pretty dark. When I met him, I had a very low esteem and was struggling with a lot of issues (frequent breakups, financial problems and others). However, there was something about his personality and nature that attracted me and we began dating. During our dating period, we had a really good time but I was always hesitant to introduce him as my boyfriend (because of his looks). We dated for a year. At that time, my family started looking for a match for me (arranged marriage), so I had to tell them that I was seeing someone. They didn’t approve of him initially, mainly because of his looks and also because we belong to different caste. However, they agreed later on when I told them I will marry him or no one else. Now it has been three years since we got married and are normally happy together. He is an amazing guy, who loves me selflessly, is a provider and also my best friend. But I don’t feel genuine love for him. Sometimes, I feel I should have waited for some more time to find the partner I wanted. When I see other couples, I feel inferior. I still feel awkward at times when we go out together. There are times I can’t sleep or eat or concentrate somewhere else. I want to love him beyond his looks and to save this marriage, but don’t know how. Please advice.

  • Maddy February 20, 2015, 9:16 am

    So this is hard for me to talk about but I need advice! I have been in a relationship with the same guy for pretty much my whole life, There is a huge age difference and there has been issues he doesn’t understand why I ask him to go hangout with my friends and have a girls night out once in a while we always get in fights over it. He throws his little Tantrum’s and plays these manipulative games like he is trying to make me feel bad for him because he is being left alone by himself. That’s an issue on it’s own but, I I noticed that he doesn’t really take the best of care of himself like he once did. Since I’ve known him he has had a beer belly it’s just getting larger and larger it seems and, I keep trying to motivate us both to go to the gym but he always complains like a girl that his legs hurt and shit. I feel like he isn’t even trying for me anymore! Like he just expects me to live with it it’s Very frustrating we are getting married soon but we are in the process of moving now so it’s being put off for now. He says that he wants to be my everything and in all honesty he takes such good care of me and treats me like a princess but if I do something he doesn’t approve of (like making plans with the girls) then we fight. Not like a normal fight…like a full fledge screaming and yelling fight we usually don’t even resolve the problem we just get to the point where we both just say sorry and move on but deep down I can’t just move on! I don’t even have friends anymore because of him i know our relationship isn’t the best but I would like to make it work because I know he will treat me right and love me like nobody else can and I care for him and love him but I’m not attracted to him anymore. I am attracted to other guys skinny, muscular, bad boy type. I know he struggles with his body image a lot and that’s why I don’t push it to much but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t stand having sex and I’ve even had an affair with another man once before and he still doesn’t want me to leave! He would just die if I left him but I don’t know how to get attracted to my husband again if i confront the situation he will just make it about him and blame it on me what should I do?please help!!
    Maddy´s last blog post ..What does your to-do list have to do with happiness? Just about everything.

  • Ashley February 24, 2015, 4:26 am

    Just to update. I’m 4 months out of my marriage now and much happier. My ex husband and I have a really great friendship and we work hard to put the kids first and make things easier for them. They have had some issues adjusting, really missing us at nights etc but they are starting to get used to it with lots of talking and communication. My ex has a girlfriend (as of about 2 weeks after I left of course) that he met through his work. I think it has helped to soothe his pain somewhat and I doubt it will last, but I wish them all the best as all along I just wanted him to be happy and I knew I could not do that for him with the way I felt.
    Yes, there are many reasons that people should stick it out and try their hardest. But there is also a point where you have to say “sometimes things end and that’s ok”. I believe there is too much pressure in our society to stay in an unhappy marriage ‘for the kids’ or ‘because you made vows’. Yes we did, a long long time ago when we were young and both different people. As long as you can work towards maintaining a good solid family life for your children there is no need to be miserable under one roof just because the majority of society thinks so.
    There are two extremely good books out there for people (women OR men in this situation) One is called ‘The Good Divorce’ by Constance Ahrons and the other is “Too good to leave, too bad to stay” by Mira Kirschenbaum. Both of these books look at separation in a logical and practical way to provide models for people to guide them when they really are truly at the end of their ability to stay in a relationship. I suggest if you are going quietly mad with depression (as I was) then these books may be able to help you make a firm decision. Living in a state of limbo is debilitating and in no way beneficial to any adult or child living in an unhappy household.
    I hope that my comments can help some of you, and please remember they are just one person’s experience and opinion, so if you don’t agree fair enough but you don’t need to get on here and rip the shit of someone for having a differing opinion about marriage and family than yours.
    Cheers, Ashley.

    • misses M April 7, 2015, 9:41 pm

      Hi Ashley,

      I’m doing the same as everyone on this site googling my heart out because it hurts. It started out years ago with googling why my spouse won’t have sex and has come to this point that I love my love life but not my husband.
      Back story- engaged at 19 broke it off due to fear and got back to together and was pregnant at 20. I am now 24 and have no desire to get married to him. He is wonderful guy but doesn’t take me dates and forgets my birthday and mothers day every year. I know we always be successful together but my heart says be happy not rich! I want to be happy but I also came from parents whom are still happily married.
      I want to have the balls to leave but I’m working on my process.
      Step one get my full time job back so I can support myself again.
      Step two keep on saving my secret money
      Step three sell our house so that I can move on and start something new.

      I know that no one will love me as much as him but I just wish that I could love him as much as he loves me.

  • Lyn February 25, 2015, 7:05 pm

    I am so surprise about what am seeing here. All these while I have bn thinking that I am the only one having this kind problem.
    I feel so bad about mine because my husband loves me so much now, he pampers me like an egg, even though he caused it all but I have tried to forgive him but the more I try to forgive him, the more it kept zooming in my memory. I was seriously matreated and humiliated at our early stage of marriage. I married him at the age of 20 and our marriage is 12yrs old now. Now I lost the whole affection totaly, I dnt even feel like having discusion with him. And now am getting attracted to other men, as a matter of fact there is this guy in my working place that both of fail deeply inlove with and my husband is suspecting I and the guy and it’s giving him a serious heart eck but I dnt knw what to do. Please someone should help because I still feel like having that affection for him atleast to keep him happy.

  • Aaron March 9, 2015, 7:39 pm

    I hope no one minds but I guess im the guy on the other side of the fence right now. I’m 33 and I look younger for my age. I usually get the attention of much younger girls but I was thinking of getting engaged in my current relationship, but now it’s come to the fork in the road.
    She’s acting alot like most everyone describes and I didnt want the fire to die but it seems it has and shes always scared I’m going to leave her for another but I am pretty forward to her about things but not threatening about it.

    I do let her know I want her but she doesn’t get turned on and I’m not sure what to do and sometimes I think it’s me but I’m not sure. I treat her like a princess and I have a great job, don’t cuss or do drugs, like actually shopping with girls and going out instead of watching sports. But all she wants to do is sit at home.
    If anyone wants to know any more or has any advice just reply cause ill be watching.

    P.S. I was pushing to watch 50 Shades and she didn’t even wanna do that!

    • Aaron2 March 30, 2015, 11:28 am

      Get out. Don’t let a person who doesn’t know what she wants, and who doesn’t have the energy to love, become your ball and chain. Look for a better person, someone with better character, more energy, less emotional baggage. She can’t be good to you even if she wants to, just like all the other women posting here. (Most are fake, in my opinion, but no doubt some are real.)

      They’re not to blame. They’re just inadequate to a real relationship with the men they chose.

  • Ouch March 10, 2015, 12:00 am

    this whole thread is so sad. Though my wife never had the guts or honesty to tell me this, it was rather obvious. She had an affair a couple years ago, I left, and she talked me into coming home. She still keeps telling me how attractive I am, sex is once a month. I told her I am leaving tomorrow, and not coming back. Ladies, don’t feel like your doing your husbands or families a favor by staying. Marriage takes work, and an effort to love your spouse. If you think the affair partner is true love, then wait until he leaves a bomb in the toilet. Or worse, when he tells you all he wanted was a cheap piece and you provided it. Well, I am gonna go find a real woman, not the whiny dreamers on this thread.

    • Aaron2 March 30, 2015, 11:34 am

      ” If you think the affair partner is true love, then wait until he leaves a bomb in the toilet. Or worse, when he tells you all he wanted was a cheap piece and you provided it. Well, I am gonna go find a real woman, not the whiny dreamers on this thread.”

      That’s the best thing you can do, if your wife has cheated on you or is giving you the cold shoulder for years. Real relationships aren’t sizzling for very long. Jumping from one to the next at every 7-year itch is self-defeating, but they won’t likely see this until they’re 60 and living alone.

  • pri March 12, 2015, 2:34 pm

    Hi am 25 n really in a messed up marriage now.. we had been married for almost 6 years I have a kid with him.. he loves me more bt I dnt feel the same for him.. he lives In another city for work n comes every week home.. I just try every possible way to avoid having sex with him.. I dont know y I feel disgusted when he touches me.. i tried talking to him about getting divorce so dat both of can b happy. But he is very stubborn and threatens me dat he would commit suicide if I leav it feels like hell .. pls suggest me wat to do

  • K March 18, 2015, 9:56 am

    What I don’t understand from all these woman who do have good caring husbands is why you put your sexual gratification above all else. To me this seems very selfish and unfair both to your husband and your children. Sex is a two way street and it is not the sole responsibility of your husband to run your sex life. Many people here seem so wrapped up in there own little world that don’t see the big picture. People who let there sexual urges run their life tend to be weak and also unhappy. Instead of breaking your marriage vows stop and look at yourself and your contributions instead of always looking outward. Also the woman who complain of there husbands appearance imagine a man saying that his wife wasn’t as attractive as she was years ago and the reaction woman have to that. Most would say you should love your wife inspite of her aging and imperfections but for some reason this seem acceptable when a woman says it about her man. Lastly try to look at the big picture and also the commitment you made in sickness and in health and try to work things out instead of blaming others for your unhappiness. Happiness is not a state of being it’s a state of mind.

  • llcool March 19, 2015, 8:32 am

    A few months ago, I was attracted to a co-worker even though I am married. I was said that this is a normal thing. The important thing is not to give in to those thoughts of passion. It was really hard to rectify it because I didn’t want my husband near me and I constantly fantasized over my colleague. But then I realized I needed something else from my sex life and I started to dominate my husband in bed, which I really enjoyed. When I got things my way the sex-appeal returned to our relationship. Of course I would still daydream about the co-worker but that’s as far as I will ever go. And my husband didn’t even know about this phase of mine. Some things that run through your head better stay there because he will feel hurt if he finds out.

  • distressed April 30, 2015, 9:11 am

    I am happily married for 15 yrs now. I am 35 and my husband is 42 and my sexual feelings for him died very long ago, about 8-10 years ago after we had children. I just have sex with him rarely but without feelings and i never reach satisfaction with him. Now i am attracted to a 33 yr old single guy at work and he also seems interested in me. I don’t know what to do, should I encourage the young guy to flirt with me or stop him saying that I am married with kids.


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Next post:

Previous post: