How to save a marriage when your spouse doesn’t want to try
Q: My spouse has given up on our marriage. She wants a divorce. I don’t. What can I do to win her back? – Desperate
Dear Desperate:
I wish I could give you three surefire ways to winning back the love of your life. Unfortunately, they just don’t exist. It takes two people to have a good marriage, but only one person to end one. Quite often, once people make the decision to end their marriages, they make a mental shift that prevents them from seeing any good in their marriage. Their minds are made up, so they focus all of their mental attention on the reasons why their marriage isn’t working and do not allow themselves to see a single reason to try one last time.
This is a tough mindset to break, but it’s worth trying. This is what I recommend.
Step 1
Set up a time to talk about your marriage. It should be a time when you are both relaxed. The kids should not be around. No one’s favorite show should be playing on TV. Definitely don’t do it if either one of you is pissed off. You need to both be calm.
Step 2
Ask her to give it one final try. Negotiate for an extended warranty on your marriage. You can’t talk her into loving you, but you might be able to talk her into trying by saying something like, “Will you give me four months of your time? During these four months, I promise to do everything I can to become a man you would like to be married to. If, after four months, you see no improvement, you can leave and I will not try to stop you. If, after four months, however, you see some improvement, we can extend the trial date another four months and another four months and so on.”
If she agrees, move on to step three. If she refuses, there’s really not a lot you can do.
Step 3
Launch a marriage project. Because your spouse is the one who has given up, your initial four months are going to have to be lopsided in favor of doing everything possible to make her happy. This might not be fair, but it is what it is. Get over it. Ask her to make two lists. One is a grievance list. She should make this list first. On it, she should write down everything that makes her feel disappointed in her marriage. It should be a list like:
1. I don’t feel attracted to you.
2. We have nothing in common.
3. I feel suffocated.
Her list might be really long. Expect that. It’s also going to hurt. You need to be ready and open for that, too.
Her second list should be everything she expects from a perfect marriage. It might go like this:
1. Someone who adores me.
2. Someone who makes me feel beautiful.
3. Someone I’m attracted to.
And so on.
Resist the urge to argue with her about these lists. Your knee jerk reaction will be to say, “But I do all of those things. I’m the perfect husband!” If she agreed with that, she would not want out of the marriage. More important, the moment you start to defend yourself is the moment she goes back to deciding that the marriage is over. Stop defending your actions. Stop trying to convince her that you are the perfect spouse and she’s blind if she can’t see that. That hasn’t worked for you, right? What you need to do now is become that perfect spouse for her. You need to build a cocoon around yourself and, during the next four months, evolve from the slimy little worm that she thinks you are and into the butterfly that you know you can be.
Take those lists one item at a time and talk about how you can become the man she wants. Diligently work on becoming that person. Take the initiative. Don’t expect her to save your marriage. Remember: she’s given up. You’re going to have to be the big person here. Again, it might not be fair, but it’s reality. Get over it.
Step 4
Don’t ever become complacent and don’t ever assume that your efforts are working. Continually check in with her. For instance, let’s say she wants more romance in her marriage. Let’s say you do that by sending her flowers every week. Let’s say she hates flowers. Then your efforts at creating more romance are falling flat. You need to constantly get feedback from her. You need to work hard on getting to know her, on understanding her, and on learning everything you can about her.
And you have to work hard on your consistency. You absolutely cannot relapse during these initial four months. You really need to show constant improvement in order to win her over. You’re going to have to become a new person. There might come a time when your marriage starts to work and your wife seems like she loves you again. It’s really important to not get sloppy during this phase. Keep giving it all you’ve got.
Step 5
Assuming everything goes well and you are able to extend your marriage warranty beyond four months, you’ll eventually want to work on things that make you happy, too. Slowly address these issues, one at a time.
Good luck!
Do you have advice for Desperate? Leave a comment.
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Tags: save your marriage
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Saving a marriage from divorce is really not easy. You have to give your best shot.. especially when you’re given a specific time to prove yourself, and to try to save your marriage.
Communication is a big help. And be sensitive with your partner’s feelings. If your hurting, she’s hurting too. Do everything to please her.. but don’t be a slave for her.
May 23rd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
It’s ironic that this should be posted. I gave up on my marriage at the beginning of this year, because even though he loves me I felt like I was alone in the marriage. We went through this basic line up, only I gave him one month. During that month he made every single change I asked of him, and the list was not short. 5 months later, we’re happier than ever and now I’m happily abiding by his list, which included one thing: love me. Going through this not only taught me a lot about myself (ie, speak up!), but really showed me how much he loves me, to make the changes without complaint.
Oh, one last thing. Alisa, this site helped save our marriage. One of your articles is what really drove home to me that I couldn’t expect him to make all the changes and not accept them, and expect it to work. I started trying to behave as I would when I was happy, and soon enough, I actually was.
May 24th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Kris: it’s so gratifying to read that I had something to do with bringing your marriage to a happier place. I’m so glad you stuck it out and that things worked for you. Thanks for sharing your success here to inspire others!
May 28th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Kris – What was the “article that drove home to you that you couldn’t expect him to make all the changes and not accept them, and expect it to work.”
This is my first time on this web site.
If Kris can’t remember maybe you could help, Alisa.
Thanks so much!
May 28th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I’m not completely sure, but I think it was from the free marriage advice series, perhaps the one I’m linking to here or one on forgiveness.
http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/01/free-marriage-advice-part-1/
It might have also been this from the How to Be Happy series: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/02/how-to-be-happy-part-2/
If you have a specific question, though, I’m happy to answer it.
May 28th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
It was, in fact, the free advice series. Part 2 I believe is the one I was reading when I realized I was keeping this from working, because through all his effort, I refused to budge or give up past hurts.
August 17th, 2009 at 10:49 am
I agree with you Kris, I know I am a big part as to why my marriage is not working, I have given up. But, I have tried to talk to him and yes, he sort of listens, but doesn’t pay much attention. He knows i am tired of being a single mom and would like more help with the kids and more help with the housework and yard work, but he is lazy by nature and addicted to the computer. I thought I could deal with that, but i really want a husband and a father, not just a lazy roommate. He will change for a while, then goes right back to old habits. I have gotten to the point of just ignoring what he says anymore because I know it will not be permanent.