Are you thinking that you shouldn’t have to affair-proof your marriage? Your partner should know better, right? If your partner has an affair, there’s something wrong with your partner and not with you!
That’s true.
But it doesn’t make finding out about an affair any less devastating. It doesn’t make it any easier to make that next decision: should we stay together or not? It doesn’t take away the pain, the hurt, and the anger.
More important, affairs happen, a lot more often than most people think. I know because I hear about them and I see them in progress. Married men quite often proposition me when I’m out with my friends. They feed me a load of crap like, “My wife doesn’t mind that I do this. She won’t have sex with me. Woe is me. I need an outlet.” Ladies: take comfort. I usually respond to such talk with this: “Well I completely understand why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.”
Note: Someone accused me of being a man hater in the comments after I wrote this post. I actually like men, but I don’t like when they think I’m dumb enough to fall for something like that. It’s an insult to my intelligence, which is why I use the insulting come back. I also really dislike using the he/she construction, which is why I often pick one or the other. So, for the rest of this blog, know that: men and women both cheat. Sometimes they have compelling reasons to do so.
Through this blog, I also hear from men and women who are contemplating an affair, who are in the middle of an affair, or who are feeling guilty about an affair.
Their spouses have no idea.
I also have heard from many people who are floored when their spouses walk out of the marriage, usually to start up a relationship with someone else. They never saw it coming and often say things like, “I don’t know why she left me. I gave her everything. I was the perfect spouse.”
Here’s the thing about affairs: they are easy. That’s why they happen. Getting a divorce? Not easy. Repairing your marriage and getting what you need from your spouse? Definitely not easy. Having a fling with someone who offers you the few things your spouse does not? Much easier.
That’s why you need to affair proof. You cannot take your marriage for granted. Here are 5 ways to do it:
1. Have sex regularly. I often hear women say things like, “I get back at my husband by withholding sex” or “We stopped having sex a long time ago. It’s not important to us.” Here’s the thing: it might be very important to him. If that’s the case and he’s not getting it from you, he’ll be more tempted to find another way to get it. And he’s going to feel justified about it, because you were the one who shut him out. The more often you have sex with each other, the less often either one of you will be tempted to have sex with someone else. Exhaust your sex drive at home.
2. Never stop flirting. Part of the lure of the affair is the “I like you” and “I like you right back” validation. After many years of marriage—once we’ve gotten set in our ways—we forget to validate our partners and then the excitement and lust drains out of the relationship. Try to compliment your spouse everyday. Tell her that her butt looks great in her jeans. Mention something about how flat his stomach is looking lately. Eat each other up.
3. Never stop dating. In the beginning, you probably planned fun things to do together. You saw movies. You went on weekend trips. You went on hikes. Then you had kids. Now your idea of a date is watching TV once the kids are in bed. Bring romance back into your marriage. Go on vacations without the kids. Bring back activities that you both love, but have stopped doing together. Find new ways to connect.
4. Emotionally stimulate her. I’m going to go on one of my sexist benders here. Go ahead and complain about it in the comments area. Here goes. Men tend to have sexual affairs. Women tend to have emotional ones that happen to also be sexual. In other words, men tend to stray in order to get laid. Women tend to stray in order to have someone to talk to, someone who understands them. This is why a woman’s affair tends to end a marriage. She usually falls in love with the object of her emotional affair. Men: this is why you just can’t ignore your wife’s need for conversation and emotional stimulation. Yes, she needs a life outside of marriage. Yes, she needs emotionally stimulating friends. And yes, she needs you to talk and listen every once in a while. If you don’t, she might eventually meet someone else who fills that need.
5. Continually work on your marriage. Once every so often rate your marriage on a scale of 1 (I wish you were dead) to 10 (I am thrilled to have you in my life). Talk about ways to get your marriage closer to 10. The happier you are together, the more invested you will be in your marriage and the less likely either one of you will be to stray.
Do you think it’s important to affair-proof your marriage? Do you have additional affair-proofing strategies to suggest? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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My husband and I talked about the cheating thing when we first got together. We still hold true to our words.
Most know the situations where cheating could arise. right… going to the bar alone. etc
Some of those situations can just happen. However if one is willing to put themselves in those situations where cheating could arise.. speaks volume!!!
I have a list of rules of marriage that I have developed over the years of my rabbinate. It is a current list, having undergone a revision as recently as the last month. One of the rules is that you should never allow yourself to be in a situation where your honour might be called into question. If you avoid situations where your honour can be called into question, then you will likely not compromise your honour.
Pril – you are correct.
so how do you have sex regularly when you feel like killing him instead? ( yes Alisa you aren’t the only one who has felt this way) my husband does nothing around the house. he works for himself and toddles out if bed at 8.30 and
cannot even bother to make the bed!!! I work part time and come home at 1.30 to find breakfast dishes in the sink, unmade bed, dirty vanity sink from his morning shave. itislike an unspoken rule that I was allocated all the house work and I cannot change his ways. childishly I retaliated and will do nothing in the yard as that is supposedly male territory. are there any suggestions of what I can say to someone who is as sexist. as him!!! I do all things related to the kids, taxi them to school, sports practice, buying clothes, take them to the movies etc etc etc. he feels because he earns the money that’s his contribution !!! other than tell him he is a selfish pig who will one day be a very lonely old selfish pig
raven
I’ve asked my husband for all this, I’ve tried talking to him, expressing to him how much I miss spending time with him, going out just the two of us, how much I miss his affection,love and everything else. His response to me was to leave him alone and he hates when I get “like that.” I asked for us to sit down and talk and it turned into a shouting match because I was “bothering” him. I’m so broken hearted by the way he acts towards me, I don’t know what else to do to get his attention but to keep myself busy with other things. I’m afraid that if we don’t work on our marriage he will fall in love with someone else. I feel no type of connection towards him, it’s scary.
Well I will admit that i did cheat once almost two years ago. Haven’t even texted a man since. But I’m trying to decide if i should stay or go. He is a good man in most areas. He cooks, cleans, keeps our child, and he does laundry. But lately he has been cheating on me left and right. What to do???
Shantrell, et al. I have commented on this a couple of times throughout Alisa’s magnificent website. Flagrant adultery is emotional abuse. The list of statements implied are as follows:
1. She is (they are) better in bed.
2. What you give only to me I can get anywhere.
3. What you give only to me…it’s just sex.
4. You do not ‘put out’ enough.
These are horrible, abusive statements.
You do not have to tolerate abuse in your marriage. As concerns keeping the child, raising children is much more than cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. It is also about teaching our children the proper way to behave towards our spouses. Flagrant adultery is not the way we should treat each other.
RavSean
I can 100% agree that when a woman looks outside the marriage for an affair, she is looking for an emotional connection, NOT a sexual one. I speak from experience. Men however, I feel, MOST of them, when they look for an affair outside of the marriage it is strictly for the SEX/LUST excitement. When the LUST dies down, so does the affair. Having an affair is a serious crime in a relationship. It is hard to forgive. The anger, the not trusting your spouse anymore, it fills you up inside. I can also relate to being so angry at your husband (@ RAVEN) that there is no way in HELL you want them NEAR you, let alone have sex with them. Your husband definitely sounds like a chauvinistic pig to me too, I have often accused my husband of that too when he makes comments about how “He’s at work all day and he would love to sit on the couch for hours of the day doing nothing” YEAH, cuz thats EXACTLY what i do all day. Jerk. You need to talk to your husband and let him know its either SHAPE UP or SHIP OUT. I would not be able to tolerate a lazy husband whatsoever. But thats just my opinion. It sounds like you need to drag his ass to therapy. Good Luck Raven!
LGA, how do you feel about married people having friends of the opposite sex? Are women more susceptable to emotional connections with their guy friends? Is it playing with fire?
Hey BCC, it depends on how long they have been friends. If its a lifetime friend, I would say I’m sure its platonic, but any NEW friends of the opposite sex…like work friends….or an old friend who you recently reconnected with…..definitely playing with fire……..I knew a guy who would even speak of his “friend” to his wife and make it sound like she was just someone he went to school with and was in his current Law class…….totally into this girl/woman, and eventually had an affair with her. But my point is, he was so into her, he would speak about her to his wife and this dingbat thought nothing of it. NO SUCH THING at our ages…..NOR is there a NEED to have a close friend of the opposite sex. Its usually unacceptable to the other spouse. I will say I recently connected with an old coworker who is male, and we met up for lunch….but I SOOOOOOO am not into him at all, we really were just catching up, and I told my husband about it too. He didn’t like it even still, but with our current marriage issues, I can’t blame him.
Today was my first time on this web-site and I read your article and started working on my marriage this morning. I was going to wait and started to post but decided that my husband was more important and this could wait a few hours.
We have been together for 8.5 years and married for a little over a year. When we were dating he cheated on me when we were going through a very tough time and eventually found a way to forgive him. I found out last week that he was texting the woman he cheated on me with and out of anger woke him up and told him we needed to get a divorce.
He hid it from me and then tried to tell me that I voilated his privacy. I believe privacy and keeping secrets are like black and white. He was keeping secrets and wanted “privacy” so I wouldn’t find out. I am not the type of woman to call every 2 seconds when he stays out late because we all need some time away from each other, and I am not the gelouse type.
I emailed the woman last night and politely asked her to put herself in my place and think of how it would affect her marriage. She knows we are married and told me once that marriage was “sacred” to her. I have a hard time believing that with our situation but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that she moves on instead of holding on to a married man. She is a nice women and its not fair to her or me.
Although this is the first article I’ve read here, I plan to read and learn more. The blog is very helpful too. It’s nice to have input and be able to read and discuss with others that are experiencing the same thing and want to make their marriages work.
Thank You!
Melisa thank you for sharing your story. I am recently married and have also experience this exact situation already. I forgave my husband when I found out about the other girl too. This was before our marriage. I trusted that he would end it since I found out. But just a day ago out found that he was still talking to her and had just changed her name in his phone. I felt as if my whole world had just been ripped about. I’m still very hurt by this but have decided to work on our marriage. Your story has help my bruised heart because I felt so alone and now I know I am not. My husband and I have already started healing our relationship. Ground rules have been set;
-No relationships outside of or marriage that you would keep private.
-If you would not do it in front of me then it should not be done behind my back (flirting with other women).
And a few more.
I am hoping that our marriage will survive this. If anyone have any suggesting please fill free to reply.
Clarissa, et al…
I do have several rules on marriage that will help improve. For example,
1. Say three nice things to your spouse every day. Flirt with your spouse.
2. Your spouse should know your status prior to your facebook friends. Your spouse should know more about your status than your facebook friends.
3. When you get married, you can no longer act single. You actually have to be married.
I have a whole set of these. I normally do not like to send people to my blog, as this is Alisa’s work here. However, in this case, it is appropriate. You can find my rules of marriage at http://seabeechaplain.blogspot.com/2011/01/other-rules-of-marriage.html.
Wishing all a wonderful day.
RavSean
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