5 ways to affair-proof your marriage
Are you thinking that you shouldn’t have to affair-proof your marriage? Your partner should know better, right? If your partner has an affair, there’s something wrong with your partner and not with you!
That’s true.
But it doesn’t make finding out about an affair any less devastating. It doesn’t make it any easier to make that next decision: should we stay together or not? It doesn’t take away the pain, the hurt, and the anger.
More important, affairs happen, a lot more often than most people think. I know because I hear about them and I see them in progress. Married men quite often proposition me when I’m out with my friends. They feed me a load of crap like, “My wife doesn’t mind that I do this. She won’t have sex with me. Woe is me. I need an outlet.” Ladies: take comfort. I usually respond to such talk with this: “Well I completely understand why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.”
Note: Someone accused me of being a man hater in the comments after I wrote this post. I actually like men, but I don’t like when they think I’m dumb enough to fall for something like that. It’s an insult to my intelligence, which is why I use the insulting come back. I also really dislike using the he/she construction, which is why I often pick one or the other. So, for the rest of this blog, know that: men and women both cheat. Sometimes they have compelling reasons to do so.
Through this blog, I also hear from men and women who are contemplating an affair, who are in the middle of an affair, or who are feeling guilty about an affair.
Their spouses have no idea.
I also have heard from many people who are floored when their spouses walk out of the marriage, usually to start up a relationship with someone else. They never saw it coming and often say things like, “I don’t know why she left me. I gave her everything. I was the perfect spouse.”
Here’s the thing about affairs: they are easy. That’s why they happen. Getting a divorce? Not easy. Repairing your marriage and getting what you need from your spouse? Definitely not easy. Having a fling with someone who offers you the few things your spouse does not? Much easier.
That’s why you need to affair proof. You cannot take your marriage for granted. Here are 5 ways to do it:
1. Have sex regularly. I often hear women say things like, “I get back at my husband by withholding sex” or “We stopped having sex a long time ago. It’s not important to us.” Here’s the thing: it might be very important to him. If that’s the case and he’s not getting it from you, he’ll be more tempted to find another way to get it. And he’s going to feel justified about it, because you were the one who shut him out. The more often you have sex with each other, the less often either one of you will be tempted to have sex with someone else. Exhaust your sex drive at home.
2. Never stop flirting. Part of the lure of the affair is the “I like you” and “I like you right back” validation. After many years of marriage—once we’ve gotten set in our ways—we forget to validate our partners and then the excitement and lust drains out of the relationship. Try to compliment your spouse everyday. Tell her that her butt looks great in her jeans. Mention something about how flat his stomach is looking lately. Eat each other up.
3. Never stop dating. In the beginning, you probably planned fun things to do together. You saw movies. You went on weekend trips. You went on hikes. Then you had kids. Now your idea of a date is watching TV once the kids are in bed. Bring romance back into your marriage. Go on vacations without the kids. Bring back activities that you both love, but have stopped doing together. Find new ways to connect.
4. Emotionally stimulate her. I’m going to go on one of my sexist benders here. Go ahead and complain about it in the comments area. Here goes. Men tend to have sexual affairs. Women tend to have emotional ones that happen to also be sexual. In other words, men tend to stray in order to get laid. Women tend to stray in order to have someone to talk to, someone who understands them. This is why a woman’s affair tends to end a marriage. She usually falls in love with the object of her emotional affair. Men: this is why you just can’t ignore your wife’s need for conversation and emotional stimulation. Yes, she needs a life outside of marriage. Yes, she needs emotionally stimulating friends. And yes, she needs you to talk and listen every once in a while. If you don’t, she might eventually meet someone else who fills that need.
5. Continually work on your marriage. Once every so often rate your marriage on a scale of 1 (I wish you were dead) to 10 (I am thrilled to have you in my life). Talk about ways to get your marriage closer to 10. The happier you are together, the more invested you will be in your marriage and the less likely either one of you will be to stray.
Do you think it’s important to affair-proof your marriage? Do you have additional affair-proofing strategies to suggest? Leave a comment.
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Tags: Marriage Advice
May 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Very nice article.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:23 am
As someone who’s wife had an affair my piece of advice is to think twice about “working it out”. I chose to “hang in there”. We went to counseling and I went in thinking that how I needed to approach the relationship needed to change. I didn’t see myself as blameless, however the advice in this article I have always followed. Still, I wanted to find out what it was I wasn’t giving. She ended her affair and seems to be committed to the marriage. The affair was 5 years ago. The problem is it all seems so very one sided. I made some changes, not to say I’m perfect but going through counseling I discovered that I was doing many things right. She on the other hand really changed nothing.The thing is I don’t fully trust her and I wonder if I ever will. There is always the lingering feeling the other shoe could drop at any time.
I’m sure there is someone reading this now who is going through a tough time because they’ve found themselves in a bad place because of an affair. The first instinct is to try to find a way to save the relationship. Step back a moment and consider that if you do it will never be the same. You will always be wondering just what is it that you are doing wrong. You will never be able to go back to “the way it was before”, your chances of “fixing things” is slim to none, at least for yourself. The damage has been done.
If I could go back in time, after I had recovered from the shock of the affair, and had that moment where I realized I would actually be ok without her. I would have taken that moment and ran with it. Sure a divorce is tough but from my experience living in a situation where you always have that lingering feeling of doubt in the others feelings and intentions is worse. If you decide to try and repair the relationship, more power to you, I hope it works out, just think twice before diving in. It will never be the same no matter which way you go.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
What an interesting little piece…. wise words indeed.
thank you
May 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Or just don’t care who your spouse does on the side. Get over yourself. You are never going to be 100% compatible with favorite books and TV and you won’t be 100% compatible about sex. Let them get the side action they need.
I fully expect my spouse to be getting some when I’m not around (which is often). But when I need them I expect them to be there (when I’m sick, lonely, or need a hug).
And I’ll be damned if I’ll enter a marriage (I expect only one) that will, as a rule, fall to pieces and destroy my family, if I (or my spouse) were to have a “slip” one night at hotel bar in the midst of long haul flights. I can’t think of a stupider reason to rip a parent from the life of their child than a jealous parent’s ego is so weak as to not simply accept this tidbit of human nature.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
honestly, i think the advice is overly simplistic and trite. there’s nothing here that hasn’t been said before.
the biggest concern i have with this piece is the thought that one can ‘affair-proof’ a marriage. you can cut down on the possibility that your spouse will cheat, but you can’t eliminate it entirely. there is no such thing as affair-proofing, just marriage enhancing.
the trouble with statements like ‘keep having lots of sex’ and ‘be there emotionally’ and ‘never stop dating’ is that they don’t address all the reasons that people (men and women both) have affairs. you can be available for your spouse sexually, you can date every saturday night and you can listen and be supportive, but there are other reasons people choose to misuse sex. they often have nothing to do with the spouse.
i’ve discovered this the hard way. my husband cheated for reasons that have to do with his sexual insecurity and personal shame. these issues go back decades before we started dating. he explained away his sexual problems as being physical, and he had substantiated reasons for having difficulty. turns out his drive was fine, but he didn’t know how to be intimate with someone he loved. this stems from childhood abuse that he never told me about and is just now dealing with in his late 40s. how do you ‘affair-proof’ that?
let’s be clear – there are a lot of reasons affairs happen. please don’t make it seem like you can do 5 things that keep those demons away. had i realized that, i would have experienced far less pain over my husband’s affair. thanks for reading.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
@Wacky Wilbur: I fully agree with you on this one!
I think the whole ‘lock-in’ of another person aspect is something that people (mostly women) need to work-on and stop expecting. I think it is human nature that people need to be stimulated by a variety of people in their life. The hard part is in finding a way to do it which does not hurt the people around us and still allows children to grow up in a nurturing context.
Maybe if society/religions stopped programming people in how they are supposed to feel when their significant other has a temporary need that their partner cannot fulfill.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I did all those things and my man cheated, anyway. “Regular sex” was once or twice a day for us and would have been more than that if I’d had my way. I was athletic, eager, inventive, adventurous, etc in bed. I still had a crush on him and enjoyed pleasing him and being pleased by him. I also kept up my appearance and my figure — I don’t like bragging, but I’ve got “that” figure and I DO turn heads.
To be fair, my husband did NOT have an affair. Instead he took out ads on dating sites, sometimes claiming to be single, sometimes claiming to be divorced, sometimes claiming to be unhappily married, always claiming to be a lot younger than he actually is and over the course of the entire time I’ve known him (almost 15 years,) he had sex with hundreds of women he met through those ads. Not quality sex, not even with women he was particularly attracted to (I’ve seen the pictures, some of them were very unattractive.) These were quickies grabbed over lunch or on his way home or in a hotel on a Saturday when he claimed he had to work overtime and they were with whatever woman he’d convinced to spread her legs for him.
After I stumbled onto his collection of photos & email exchanges & phone numbers, etc, he BEGGED me to let him stay with me and rebuild what he destroyed. This was also AFTER I made him aware that I had no desire to make the divorce messy or unnecessarily expensive & drawn out. (Divorce is easy unless one or both of you intentionally makes it hard.)
He’ll tell you, himself, that we did have a good marriage, he was more than happy and fulfilled with me, our sex life, our friendship, etc. He still thinks I’m far and away the hottest woman he’s ever met, the best in bed, etc. He destroyed all of that and me and my ability to EVER trust or love anyone again. And he says he screwed around because he could: some men grab a drink on the way home, my husband doesn’t drink, so he grabbed something else. He claims it had nothing to do with me, our marriage, his feelings or even his libido and that, short of chaining him up in the basement to prevent him ever leaving the house, there’s absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent it. And there’s nothing the next woman stupid enough to marry him will be able to do, either.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
What an unsustained bit of insanity. Hi, I’m real life. Have we met?
May 13th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Hey Sensible, you’re a fantasy. Get real.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I’m wondering how I can get this article to my current wife w/o being obvious.
In my previous marriage, my wife and I had both been unfaithful, for exactly the reasons above. I needed sexual stimulation, and she needed emotional stimulation. We eventually worked things out through counseling, but did end up divorcing for reasons other than the past affairs. We ultimately couldn’t agree on where we wanted our future to go… and I still wasn’t getting enough sex.
As fate would have it, I’m still not getting laid enough.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@yallowduc: Thanks for the laugh. I’m not sure if you were being intentionally funny, but the “I’m still not getting laid enough” shook the house here.
@Tim @Rachel and @Betrayed: you are all correct. There are some spouses who will cheat no matter what. You can truly be the perfect mate and they will cheat anyway. They are addicted to the pursuit, the initial rush, all sorts of things that monogamous marriage will never and can never provide. I’m in no way suggesting that you were at fault, and I apologize if this came off that way. In this entry, I’m referring to marriages like my own. When my husband and I were going through a rough patch, I was very tempted to have an affair. The only thing that kept me from not doing it? Will power. Some people have more of it than others. Once we worked on the things I listed here, I was no longer tempted to stray.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Wacky Wilbur and InAgreement, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I wish you all the luck with your “open” relationships, and if you plan on having children, I really hope you end up raising your own… The whole point of having a monogamous relationship, in the end, is to find someone who you can raise children with; if your wife is getting it from 30 different men, the chances that your sperm is the one impregnating her is 1/30. Good luck with those odds.
There’s a reason monogamy has held court for so long, and it’s not because everybody doesn’t want you to have fun with your penis… Grow the hell up.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Great list! Variety, in dates, in sex, in everything, is a big part of keeping it fresh.
The part I dislike about the article is how much hate there is against men and how they’re only driven by sex. I find it degrading and only serves to push these stereotypes further. As Tim said in his comment; it was his spouse. This is become more present.
Another good point would be honesty throughout the relationship. If either partner is lusting for someone new; talk about it! Maybe it would be good to get out of the routine and try something new. After all, being married for a number of years produces habits and repetition.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Serial monogamy is how one circumvents the deep insecurity of breaking with rigid marital tradition in the event a new spouse is required.
A man or woman who prefer sequential relationships with a SINGLE partner may have several (or many) lovers or marriages over the course of fifty years, depending on their drive.
Those who prefer sequential single partners (or marriages) will have experienced just as many lovers (depending on their sex drive) as the folks who prefer an open relationship the only difference being they prefer mutually exclusivity throughout.
To make mutual exclusivity a superior form of relating is laughable, particularly since its track record is rather dismal. There are no ultimate forms of relating. Humans are far too diverse to fit into a single mold.
NOTHING makes people conform in relationships: jealousy, control tactics, fear, or plain domination.
The only people who can be trusted with their sex drive are those who are asexual or are physiologically blessed with very little interest in the act.
In which case, women (or men- I know of two) who have to be cajoled constantly into sex will often consider themselves morally-superior when, in fact, they are literally NOT physiologically-designed to fail sexually under any circumstance.
Which is often why you’ll see many women leashing their male with sex. They are perfectly comfortable with sex perhaps once or twice a month and their ‘captive’ requires substantially more which makes allows the dynamic to come under the control of someone who is ready and willing to capitalize on it.
Marriage is over-rated and should be approached cautiously by all involved, especially men.
May 13th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Alisa,
I had such a great feeling when I read your post tonight. I was happy since I felt like you gave some simple suggestions that I could use to keep my marriage healthy (which is the way I interpreted your idea of “affair-proofing”).
I was enlightened, to say the least, by reading all the comments above from so many different perspectives. Clearly human sexuality isn’t a “one size fits all” kinda program.
Regardless, I admire you so much for sharing your thoughts, accepting the different ways they land for your readers, for creating a space to let people share their own experiences, and for the way you are committed to being honest and open about the work you’re doing in your own marriage.
For all its tough spots, I am committed to my marriage (and to my husband and to monogamy). It’s not perfect, but it’s what I make it. I’m choosing to make it work, to make it satisfying, and to make it strong.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Men are as faithful as our options. Even if you provide us with everything we desire, we will still hunt. It’s our default mode and those who don’t do it only suppress it but it will always be there. Also, your idea that men’s affairs are usually physical in nature is not true. We love women; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. The best way to affair-proof your marriage is to eliminate the concept of affairs and be open about it. Of course most men can’t do this but trust me some women would rather share a gentlemen than have a scrub all to themselves.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:50 am
The open-marriage options that are presented in these comments are only an excuse to give full-reign to animal instincts and to excuse a lack of will power. I think it’s insulting to imply that men, and women, are too weak to control their baser instincts.
Isn’t THAT also playing into the typical gender stereotypes?
OF COURSE we’re going to be attracted to other people during the course of our marriages. OF COURSE we’ll be tempted to cross that line whenever things get tough – it’s human nature. But what separates us from animals is our SELF-CONTROL and our willingness to forge ahead and work through the problems – not to simply tuck our tail between our legs and run when the going gets tough.
Remember the whole “better or worse” vow? People only really mean when it’s better. Trust me, I’ve been married for 19 years and there will be tough times, there will be times that it will SUCK, there will be times when you will want to give up.
The challenge is to work through those times and to accept the fact that *gasp* YOU may have some changing to do as well – and then actively work on those changes. I have faced many a personal flaw of my own in my marital journey and it’s hard to swallow that humble pill. But I did, because I love my partner and I love our children. It’s what ADULTS do.
And seriously, I’m confused. If people (and I’m speaking to both male and females here) know, in their heart, that they will never remain monogamous, that they have no desire to “be stuck” with one mate for the rest of their lives, then why even get married in the first place? Stay single. For your sake. For the sake of any future partner and especially for the sake of any future children. Don’t drag others into your personal commitment issues – it’s selfish and harmful.
Give it a trial run. Date. And if staying monogamous while dating is a challenge, what makes you think it’ll be any different in marriage? So honestly, the whole open-dating argument is only a guise for deeper, physiological reasons for not taking responsibility and control over one’s life.
And if one decides to take the leap and get married, commit to it – stop using human nature as an excuse to avoid your promise. It’s weak and quite pathetic. You made a commitment, stick to it. Make it work.
I’m sorry to hear about the marriages where one partner tried, but was continually thwarted by the other partner. It sounds like there are psychological reasons that need to be worked through and it’s likely not because of the spouse, but because of deeper issues experienced when young. Those are the marriages that will require outside help – but only if the partner who is having the issues wants the help. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. That’s a whole different ballgame.
I think people’s definition of love is skewed to begin with. Love is about giving, it’s about sacrifice, it’s about putting those we love before ourselves. I think too many people think love is all about what THEY will get and how it will benefit THEM.
It’s not.
Thank you for these tips. They are a good reminder that it takes TWO people – not one, and not only when things are going well – to make a marriage work.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Let me guess Wacky Wilbur and InAgreement…you aren’t married and I wonder why??? I mean seriously, do you still think that it is okay to run around like a hormonal teengaer trying to stick it in anything that moves. Seriously, grow up and realize what Marriage is supposed to be about. And don’t go there with the your kids will be fine with it. Yeah, i’m sure they love seeing their Dad run around with anything in a skirt. That’s a great roll model!!! (rolls eyes)
May 14th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Chris,
You are perpetuating a rigid, centralized form of relating that is common due to its popularity or collective acceptance.
Populist viewpoints are useful as long as the rule of numbers doesn’t impose its view on the entire group as divine or optimal with no alternatives.
Normal marriage between two people is a common form and a useful one. Many prefer the security of a duo for simplicity’s sake.
What you and other rigid moralist fail to grasp is the varying degree of human nature across the board.
If someone’s nature lies outside your conceptual or ideological grasp the ‘deviant’ must be dissuaded from his pernicious and nonconforming activity which is conveniently relegated to a pathetic state of weakness.
Forcing all folks to fit into formative social molds to please the Chris crowd really detracts from the larger goal of people discovering what works for them and their families. This behavior orients solutions for people rather than people orienting themselves to please Chris’s definition for all marriage.
Chris’s narrow definition for marriage is fine. I approve. But the definition is far broader than Chris’s mind can possibly understand because it lies outside your predefined model for relating which is based on either the archaic biblical model or pure tradition.
If love is truly about giving and sacrifice then you will be far less interested in forcing YOUR mate or other marriages to conform to Chris’s specific vision of marital bliss.
It is immature and archaic to suggest that children can be harmed by responsible adults engaging in occasional mutually-approved sexual flings.
Children really have no business having knowledge of their parent’s intimate sex life (outside of useful conversation forming healthy views on sex in general) whether it is years romping with one spouse or the occasional inclusion of a third or fourth person.
Frankly, your detached superiority here is evidence of your inability to coherently reason about alternative marital arrangements.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Incredulous,
People who are immersed in rigid formulas tend to draw the same mistaken conclusion you’ve presented which is that deviation creates excess; which is just as flawed as assuming all alcohol creates drunks or all gambling creates addicts.
Alternative ways of operating within a mainstreamed world will always be feared. This drives resistance to even grasping the existence of alternatives. No one is suggesting that YOU must engage in an open relationship.
What IS suggested here is an alternative form of relating that lies outside the common consensus that, perhaps, can be explored by personalities that are not driven by jealousy or fear of loss.
May 15th, 2009 at 8:54 am
“If your partner has an affair, there’s something wrong with your partner and not with you!
That’s true.”
It isn’t true, at least not necessarily.
I don’t believe that these points will do the trick on their own. Many articles here seem to perpetuate the notion that marriages by definition have some sort of insurmountable schism that can only be survived by acting like the relationship is new. This piece talks a lot about sex, but I think it’s naive to think that affairs are about sex.
Sex is important, and just as important as communication and respect. However, there is a glaring omission here. There is no mention of defining yourself. Knowing yourself makes you a better partner than just being a willing sexual participant. If you define yourself through your spouse, you are doing yourself and your spouse a world of harm and the marriage may fail. This piece seems to place value in external validation. Little compliments are nice, but they won’t save your marriage. Finding validation from within yourself makes you a better partner.
A good marriage starts within the self. It’s not about working the weaknesses of your partner based upon gender or some other over-generalized cue. That shows no respect for your partner at all. This piece might provide value for people with a limited capacity for good relationships, but it certainly won’t give them the help they need.
May 15th, 2009 at 10:31 am
This begs the question: What is so bad about affairs? Is it the damage of trust? Is it because only one party wants to stay in the relationship? Is it the jealousy? Is it the betrayal of expectations? Is it the unknown followed by the shock? Is it the diverted attention? Is it the sharing?
Partnership arrangements vary from couples to couples – one might not need sex while another might not need to find resolution to every problem, but can yet be happily married and affair-free.
I’d rather that couples customise their own solutions than apply generic advice. If you have not read Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837265/), please do. He doesn’t offer, “do x, then all will be well.” He has science to back up the symptoms of unsuccessful marriages, and provided exercises to reverse the train. They do take time and effort, though. Don’t expect pre-packaged solutions.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:13 am
I think this article has great suggestions, and no matter what most of you say, MOST men who have affairs are only about sex. Yes, there are the exceptions. For the woman who had a great sex life, and your hubby had sex with hundreds…..uhhh, he’s a sex addict. Its a real disease and this article is not talking about guys who were abused or sex addicts or any other deep rooted problem. Just being a marriage and the woman holds out sex for years, yes, the man probably will stray if he doesn’t divorce you first. I, on the other hand, held out sex in my first marriage because my husband disgusted me. He literally made me want to puke. But staying married was easier then leaving as I had nowhere to go with 2 kids. I wanted him to cheat, but as far as I know he never did (but deep down inside I bet he did…). He was mean, and a jerk. I never cheated, but boy did I want to. He never listened to me and always thought my ideas were stupid. He liked putting me down. So my reason to cheat, if I had, would have been for the reasons in this article: my husband never listened to me and I wanted someone to fill that need. A majority of people in the world with problems because of cheating are described in this article. For those of you who don’t fit into that, this article is not about you.
BUT the solutions in this article are good ones. I will say though, that instead of working things out with him or staying in a loveless marriage, divorce was the best thing I could do. And for some people, that’s true as well. Now I am married to a fantastic guy and everything is different and my kids have a great father now. But divorce before cheating should be the way to handle it. Don’t betray your spouse’s trust just because you are lonely. If you really can’t stand them and don’t think working on your marriage will work….then don’t be an asshole and cheat. Do the right thing.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Ok so this might be a bit off topic but not too far my husband and I have been together for over 10 years now and he has decided he wants to try swinging or threesomes i do not agree with this and will not participate and i have also told him that if he chooses to view the ads or search sights that is his choice but it is just feeding into a negative energy of what you will never have, i have recently discovered he has searched alot of these sights on an ongoing basis and now Im not sure if this is going to lead into an affair or not but how do i participate in this circle of evil to not have him cheat on me and is it cheating when he views these ads? Pls someone who has same experience lend a helping hand.Thanks
July 29th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Hi Maria–Threesomes are a really common fantasy. Many people have this fantasy, not as many act it out. The first step to affair proofing is trying to get away from the black and white thinking (evil vs good). Just acknowledge that your husband gets turned on by different things than you do. Then, see if he can satisfy this urge by talking about the fantasies with you (versus actually acting them out). Also, usually when people want to introduce another person to the marriage bed, they are bored with their sex life. Talk about the real issue–that he’s bored, and try to solve that problem. What can you do to spice things up that don’t involve adding another person to the mix?
July 29th, 2009 at 10:18 am
hi Alisa
Like I mentioned i have been battling this for a very long time now i do feel that i have tried very many things and it has actually gone beyond this now he is a bit bullyish about it i have asked him to try different things that dont include others but he has no hopes for that to work? it is also robbing me of my self esteem and im getting sick of trying to convince him that its not worth the risk.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Oh, yeah, I’m not liking that. Bullying? Not good. He’s going to have to make a “is it worth it” choice here. You don’t want to do it (justified). Stand your ground. Would definitely seek counseling here because there are deeper issues: him not seeing you as a complete person, etc.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Hey thanks so much for your input does make me feel a bit more confident on things the only problem i have is that i love him so so much but he again is not willing to do the councelling i am stuck in a hard place here thus deepening my pain.I definately agree this is a deeper seeded issue but without him on board it cannot be resolved and he doesnt see a proble he thing this type of act would be just for “fun” totally unattached sex which is nearly impossible for women especially me who loves him to death I dont mean to sound like a preacher but i believe in the covenant of fidelity and i would think it would please him but it doesnt i have no choice but to further distance myself from the whole situation but that also opens a port for him to invest more of himself there.Should i tell him i know that he has been checking out websites that i dont approve of? Now to be fair he did ask me if it was ok and i said your a big boy what do you think and of course he said its fine but i do not give him my blessing and i think he is just feeding his addiction this way!!
September 12th, 2009 at 8:32 am
thanks for your post,it’s great
November 1st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I do appreciate the beginning article on tips to saving a marriage. I have to say I’ve tried a lot of these things, but I’m still not getting past what has happened to me. I have to say, I have seen the error of my ways now. That is was both of us being rotten. I found out I wasn’t the perfect wife. I’m having a hard time forgiving and forgiving for good. To let that bill be gone and laid to rest. Now he claims to have seen the error of his ways and he says he wont cheat on me again. How can i trust that, when Im still working on the past affairs and lies?
November 12th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Moreover the important thing is to not give up as you can succeed in Saving your marriage. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and so keep a positive outlook on improvements you can make and most importantly don’t quit to work on your marriage!
Marriage Life´s last blog ..Saving Your Marriage – A Proven Method
December 29th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Everyone has at least one valid point in their comments. And while all of the things presented in the above article can help keep your relationship going, the truth of the matter is very simple. Everyone is different; everyone thinks differently, everyone interprets things differently, everyone behaves differently, everyone has different instincts… If the person you’re with loves and cares for you, they will do what THEY deem appropriate for keeping you around. Yes, it’s true some people cheat just to cheat, just cause they can get away with it. They can say they still love you, yes… and nothing’s wrong with your marriage… but, if you’ve talked about how you want to be loved and they aren’t loving you in that way, they probably would rather put themselves first and you should realize that it’s very hard to change that. For all the “open relationship” people… you obviously do not want to committ to a relationship, so don’t. Just breeze through life with others that share your interest for lust. No one way is the “right” way because EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. But, the point is there are very simple things you can do in your relationships, for those of you that sincerely like the thought of being committed to someone and can do so, and one of them is being HONEST. I’ve always thought it ten times better to say “Hey, hunny… I think I want to have sex with other people”, then they just go off and do it, leaving you 100% blindsided and screwed up for the rest of your life. Even if Mr./Mrs. “Right now” is not Mr./Mrs. right, it doesn’t give them the right to screw you up for future relationships. Always be honest… with yourself and with your spouse/ significant other.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Cooking and exercising together is another great way to stay connected with your spouse! Check out some ideas from thebelist blog.