What to do when your man doesn’t talk

Q: I recently got married to a guy who should have been perfect for me. The problem is that he doesn’t communicate at all. I feel sad and alone most of the time, and I never know what he’s thinking. How do I get him to open up? — Lonely and ignored

Dear Lonely and Ignored:

Welcome to my world! My husband is the strong and silent type, too. Your answer lies in a combination of acceptance and gentle prodding.

It’s important to understand that he may never become a talker. Some people are talkers, and some aren’t. Me expecting my husband to morph into a conversationalist is like him expecting me to suddenly develop an interest in car racing. Just ain’t going to happen.

That said, you do not have to continue to suffer in silence. Use this advice.

Ask him to listen.
Explain that you don’t need him to chatter back at you, respond, or fix your problems. You just want him to listen with rapt attention. This will take the pressure off him to talk. If you want him to do certain things as he listens, tell him. Perhaps you want him to make eye contact, hold your hand, nod every once in a while, and so on. I know it sounds silly, but these are things that women and some men do automatically. Strong and silent types? They need an instruction manual.

Make a list of topics that you absolutely need him to communicate.
For instance, you may want all financial purchases to be made jointly. You may want some parenting decisions to be made together (what time should Johnny’s curfew be?) and some not (whether or not it’s a good time to play catch in the backyard). Again, the ability to know the difference between Must-Talk-About-Now Topics and Better-Left-Unsaid comes naturally to some, and not so naturally to others. Teach him how to know the difference.

Let him talk when he’s ready. If you need to discuss something that will probably make him uncomfortable and shut down, bring it up calmly and ask, “When would be a good time to talk about this?” This allows him time to think things over, prepare a response, and calm down from the stress of being confronted.

Talk while you are doing something else. Do it while walking, while sitting in the car, or over dinner. This reduces tension, which may allow him to more easily open up.

When he does talk, reward him. This is important, especially if he is finally opening up for the first time. Hug him. Say thank you. Take him to the bedroom.

Talk about your loneliness. Explain that you want to feel close to him and you worry that you might turn to someone else for this closeness if you don’t get it from him. Ask him to help you affair-proof your marriage.

Don’t ask him what he’s thinking or feeling.
You’re just wasting your creative energy on that one. The answer to, “What are you thinking?” is probably, “Nothing.” The answer to “What are you feeling?” is probably “I have no clue.” Instead, ask him very specific questions that cannot be answered with a yes or a no, questions such as:

  • Why do you root for the Mets?
  • Tell me about the most interesting thing that happened to you today.
  • If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?
  • If you could live anywhere, where would you want to live?

Find an outlet for your need for conversation.
It will never be him. Find a group of girlfriends who love to chat. Get involved in online discussion groups. Sit at the local coffee shop, diner or some other hangout spot for a few minutes everyday and chat with strangers.

Do you have advice for Lonely and Ignored? Share it in the comments area!

Send your questions to the Marriage Expert.

139 comments… add one

  • sathya November 2, 2014, 11:31 am

    Its so true. My husband is not talking to me even after 8 yrs of marriage and I have developed severe mental disorder. I started talking on my own and look at couples who talk with jealous.

    • Marissa April 26, 2015, 12:34 am

      Oh my God!!! I do the same, it is normal as long as yu are aware yu talk to yourself and mo strange voices is talking back at you.. You are not crazy, it Is a stress reliever or in our case our lack of conversation reliever. I am trying to recall and I don’t remember talking out loud to myself until I marry him, unless I am in denial and I always did.

      • Julie alexander June 10, 2015, 1:27 pm

        Yesterday I talk Nathan her father in law don’t what him talk on cellphone

  • Janice November 4, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Has he done this since day one? Find out if he’s just quiet or self-absorbing. Don’t wait until years into your marriage to find out. I’ve been married to a man like that for 37 years and haven’t had the time until now to figure out that I could of done more for myself and not just to satisfy his every whim and live with it. I was busy raising children so didn’t really focus on it until it was too late. Don’t wait until you get older to figure it out.

  • linda November 19, 2014, 11:30 am

    I am so fed up with the way my partner treats me. we used to talk about everything… emotional things weren’t easy… but we used to deal with and had really good chemistry. during our courting days he was very grounded, with common sense and seemed he had a good head on his shoulders. also our sex life was GREAT. fast forward 4 years later we have a toddler and another one due in a few weeks and we are practically strangers. it has been very gradual and I have been always alerting and trying to save whereas he has been emotionally checking out since he found out we were pregnant. he loves our child but displays -0- interest in me, what I am doing, how my day has been, my family, what i’m laughing or crying about.. it just simply doesn’t matter. further, I ask him about his day, his job, his colleagues, his sport and his answers are very vague unless ti’s sport or some project he is currently working on (which he can talk for hours about). he spends 23 hours a day on his blackberry, computer, tv, work and there are no goodnights, no good mornings, no I miss you, no I love yous and he doesn’t EVER talk about his lady colleagues which he hangs out with on a daily basis. (background we used to work together so I know them personally but now no one chats with me and he doesn’t talk to me about them… EVER). I feel like I am at the absolute bottom of his list and that he stays with me just for convenience and nothing else. also.. b/c I am the mother of his children. he doesn’t care if I want emotional or physical intimacy… he doesn’t care what makes me feel good or how he hurts me with what he does. every question I ask he things I have an agenda.. and all his answers are either “what kind of question is that,” “idk”, “maybe” or other dodging subjects. Also everytime we go out he never actually hangs out with me… always hanging out with others…. the more I write the more I keep thinking I just need to leave this relationship as why would anyone subject themselves to this kind of treatment when reality stares in the face. I guess, first is because I love him….and second because I think kids should live with their parents. Not sure why “I” love him now as I find it difficult to find reasons… this being masochistic in love makes no sense in the long run as people only change if they WANT to change… and second I know kids are happier if parents are happy… even if they have to be apart from them. regardless I desperately want to save my relationship… I am at the end of my string and I hav eno idea what to do any more…

    • Liz November 19, 2014, 12:46 pm

      I truly and honestly feel your pain. And I know that pain. It is so real and hurts a lot. I always used to think, what’s the use in living with a person when all you feel is alone? It’s worse than actually living alone. At least if you lived alone, you would be free of expectations and rights that a wife should never have to beg for. I have been married for 14 years like this and I thought it would never get better. We both started out EXACTLY the way you did. After 8 years of mental, emotional and physical abuse, I left. I moved far away with his child and he paid for it all. I manipulated the situation so that we were on speaking terms and helped him to understand that even though I still loved him, I couldn’t take it anymore or live with him. We talked often, from a distance. To make a long story short, he eventually started visiting. Things got better. VERY slowly. The time away and the distance helped me. Helped the relationship. We are still apart after 7 years but he is moving in. ….7 years. It has suited me because he visits, he pays for everything, we miss each other, and he will move back in soon. I don’t recommend this for everyone. It just worked for me. He is still distant sometimes and is not the affectionate type, but I have become considerably stronger where those needs are less important.
      Sometimes I wish that women would get to the point where we say, “don’t be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs” stand up for ourselves and be strong. I know we love our husbands and don’t want to leave them, but why should we be the ones who have to pussy-foot our way around the tender, fragile male egos. We should be the ones they chase, not us.
      But part of that doesn’t mean that we should expect them to cater to our every emotional and mental need. We are stronger than we think. And I? I am where I am because I acknowledge all my strength and having been able to put up with all that garbage in the past, because I have a relationship with Heavenly Father. No other words needed.

      • M November 19, 2014, 12:53 pm

        Brava, well said!!

      • Tyler June 18, 2015, 1:31 pm

        God is fake, sweetheart.

      • Liz June 18, 2015, 4:14 pm

        In YOUR mind sweetheart. (Tyler)

    • April July 16, 2015, 10:40 pm

      My husband and I have only been together for 3 years, married almost 2. He is constantly on his phone, just like tonight, got home from work, he was on xbox, got done with xbox then he got on his phone, when he was finished with his phone he got on the computer. I sat out there for the longest time and tried to have a conversation with him and everything was short and sweet. After a while I got up and went in the bedroom room and stayed in there for an hour, went back out to the kitchen to grab a drink and he asked me what I was doing, I told him nothing, and that I was bored and he had no response. I feel like I live alone.

    • Mandy August 12, 2015, 6:08 pm

      Linda…I know exactly what you are saying and how it feels.
      I have been with a man for 2 years trying to figure out…what in gods name am I doing in his life…when he has no idea what he is doing to me. He comes home from work…doesn’t say a word, eats and watch t.v. and doesn’t say a word. He goes to sleep without saying a word. I feel like these men just needs a women to do their laundry and cook food for them. I personally feel I should leave but then again…my whole life has been on the run and I feel maybe this round he maybe the one. But after reading what your going through…I truly feel for you and your kids. Sometimes I feel maybe I am better on my own…at least I can go and do what I please and speak to who I want and when I want.

  • Sharda November 30, 2014, 12:33 am

    Great advice in this article, thank you.

    I would like to add one more option…..Separate/divorce
    If your needs are not getting met with a person than why marry them. (This is in case the person has always been like that, and not suddenly stopped talking).
    Why torture yourself? And i believe that your partner may also feel that you don’t fully except them (which is true). The situation is bad for both of you.

    • Ty January 20, 2015, 12:43 am

      I haven’t been with my boyfriend very long .. Soon it will be two years which is the longest relationship I’ve been In. We have a huge communication problem and idk what to do about it. Whenever I want to talk he shuts me out and nothing ever really gets resolved. We used to talk about everything and even have sex more now none of that happens. Most of our arguments or fights are about his actions whenever things aren’t going perfectly in his life he completely shuts me out and gives me no type of communication at all. I’ve tried everything and nothing works im sad and frustrated I don’t deserve this there is no reason why we shouldn’t be having sex regularly I’m to the point where I just wanna give up I’m only 20 and I feel like I’m too young for this nonsense. I know he loves me he expresses this often I just wish he would talk to me more all he seems to care about is his phone and work.

      • RJ April 14, 2015, 6:10 pm

        I completely understand that, my boyfriend is the same way. It gets really frustrating for me because when he’s stressed or upset all I want to do is help, but he won’t talk to me. The only advice I can give is not to push, let him know you’re there for him and you support him. Do something thoughtful, whether it’s a brief, cute message on his phone while he’s at work, or a date. In the end, if you really matter to him he will tell you the things he wants you to know and the things he doesn’t want you to know you have to be ok with. Privacy is a must for relationships which is why trust is also so important

      • april August 21, 2015, 7:36 pm

        I have the same issue

    • mandy August 12, 2015, 6:29 pm

      Hi Sharda
      This guy that I am with has been like this from the beginning and he also has a very bad habit of lying
      Which I do not approve by. If you can’t tell the truth then don’t lie about something and make it feel like it is the truth. I am blunt and honest to the core. I told him from the beginning that I do not approve by this and I don’t like it because I don’t do it. How are you suppose to live with a man who doesn’t even have sex….doesn’t even talk to you or even recognizes you being around him.
      He doesn’t even like to look at me or even hold hands. He likes skinny women and I am a little plump
      I had a major accident and fractured both of my ankles…with that saying I gained weight and then I lost it all….I found a job and I fell again and hurt my knees very much that it is hard to bend them and even put weight on them…again I gained weight. Now he looks at women who only have heavy breasts and slim figures. It makes me feel like I am a piece of garbage.
      He has made me feel so ugly and so disgusting that I have lost all of my self esteem.
      I am re-thinking again…what should I do and what shouldn’t I do.

      • Jen August 18, 2015, 2:29 pm

        Hi Mandy,

        I’ve never even visited this website before but your comment moved me, and I wanted to make a comment as well.

        I just want to say: you deserve so much better!! A romantic relationship is built on communication, affection and trust – and if your guy decides to lie to you when he finally talks, that’s not a good sign at all.

        As for him looking at other women and not wanting to be intimate, that’s also unacceptable. I don’t even know you, but there is someone out there for every woman who will treasure the ground they walk and worship their entire being! And if he is not that man, he is just wasting your time (and his own as well). Sure, no relationship is perfect and it’s impossible to feel 100 % loving towards each other every minute of the day, but you DESERVE way more than you’re getting.

        Since he has been this way since the beginning of your relationship, ask yourself this: do you think he can change? Do you think he is WILLING to change? Is it worth the effort, to both of you? Can you forgive him for the way he’s treated you in the past?

        One thing that helps me is to ask myself “If I ended up spending my entire life with this person, would I regret it? Would I feel resentment because I could’ve gotten more out of life if I was with someone else?” (because let’s face it: when you’re in a relationship you’re either going to spend the rest of your life together, or break up at some point).

        My advice is take one long, hard look if he even deserves a second chance from you.

        I wish you all the best.

  • MARIE April 23, 2015, 3:16 pm

    This article is a life saver for me…I so needed that today! Thank you so much, I will put these advice in practice ASAP!

  • Beth May 3, 2015, 11:39 pm

    My boyfriend started out not communicating and it’s getting increasingly difficult to be with because we are planning on moving in together next month. I’m trying to discuss plans and while he says he wants to move in he makes little plans in financial stuff or anything else. I use to like demand attention so we could do a little talking but recently I’m trying to have him come around to it. It’s only getting worse but im not gonna make him talk to me. He hopes things will be fixed when we move in but unless I make him pay attention at our new place nothing is going to get fixed, right? I starting to think moving in is a bad idea….

    • Nat May 4, 2015, 8:17 am

      Hi Beth
      Hopefully you read the post & a lot of the comments on here, and noticed things don’t get better. We just learn to deal with it. If I saw this site when I first met my BF maybe I wouldn’t be on this site… But I hope things work out for you. And sad to say you don’t make the same mistakes I/we did.

  • sanchitha May 4, 2015, 1:04 am

    Before marriage my husband used to talk a lot and he used to respond to me but after marriage he has totally shut down, he never talks to me never responds never even listen to me. I feel so lonely and ignored. He talks to his relatives so nicely but when it comes to me he just avoides eye contact and moves away from me why is tat? Why is he doing this to me. Our marriage is just 1 and half year old

  • Nat May 4, 2015, 8:21 am

    I wonder if my husband knew I found a support group aka this website if he would make efforts.
    A family member on my husband said will be having a very big wedding this month. I’m thinking of not going, because I see how he can be with people and it just makes me so mad. Why can’t he be like this with me. Why can’t he make me laugh and make me feel good about myself and this relationship.
    I don’t want to fight therefore I think I will not go to save myself the stress and sadness of being at this wedding.

    • Bree July 17, 2015, 8:42 am

      Hey Nat,

      I think you should go to the wedding. You should also start making notes about his behaviors, maybe even start writing your feelings in a journal. I just relate so much with what you wrote that I wanted to respond…I’ve recently left my husband and have moved back to our home town. He is now here visiting his family and trying to win me back, but because I kept a journal and so easily remember how awful he used to make me feel I am able to resist what I think is fake or non lasting behaviors from him. I also wanted to say that I told my husband many times that I found this website, I even read him out loud my first comment telling my situation and yet the only thing that “woke him up” was me packing my stuff and leaving….not saying that’s what you need to do but maybe he just needs something shocking to realize how sad you are in your marriage. I wish you all the best.

      • Nat July 17, 2015, 11:20 am

        Hi Bree
        I did not go to the wedding, we were fighting and fighting and my half brother’s mother dead and our dad wanted me to support my brother. So I went to the funeral rather than the wedding. And my husband took the kids out of town for the wedding. It’s safe to say it was a wake up call for him. He mentioned that everyone was asking where i was. He actually had the deal with the kids on his on and etc. things have been better. We don’t have great long conversation and we still have fights here and there. But things are a lot better. Not perfect or great.

  • Nancy May 17, 2015, 12:00 am

    Glad i’m not the only one suffering from quiet guy syndrome…
    I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We are both 33 & have 2 amazing boys (3 yr & 10 week old)
    Things were great between us before the kids but since then, things have gone down hill.
    Our sex life is practically zero. Talking to him is like talking to the wall, and when he talks, it’s usually lackluster. I’m a stay at home mom and he’s the one away at work but it’s me who has to wear the pants.. I take the lead, offer suggestions, solve problems, pretty much do everything! Half the time i even tell him how to parent! We could drive for hours with few things to talk about or half the time i get tired of hearing myself talk or I’m begging him to say something!
    If it wasn’t for the kids i’d be gone.
    Yes, i’m with him because I don’t want to break our little family. I don’t want to upset my 3 yr old but so frustrated this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life!? I often have thoughts of what it would be like to be with someone else just because i feel so deprived and alone. I often wonder how i got myself into this and why couldn’t I have known better before having kids with him. I often compare us to other couples and envy their relationships. We look like the perfect couple but no one knows the truth behind closed doors. I’m so torn because He is a kind hearted person with great morals and loves me & the kids but so introvert I don’t know how long i can go with this constant feeling. I look forward to the thought of him coming home from work and when he gets home, he just reminds me of the silence. I sometimes wonder if i have post pardum blues but i come back to the same thing-I wouldn’t feel this way if i actually felt his presence.
    Not to mention, i’ve felt this way before i got prego with number 2. Just figured it was something i could get over OR he’d somehow change. He has made an attempt to be more extrovert but its so temporary, i’ve tried but i know i cant change who he is.

  • DeCaf May 22, 2015, 4:14 pm

    We have been married and any conversation between husband and I are grunts, moans, yep, nope. He never talks to me. We don’t even associate with each other. He lives out in his garage and I live in the house and it has been this way ever since we were married.

  • Kelly June 13, 2015, 9:53 pm

    I’m sad to be writing here. Can’t believe my marriage has turned into this. Wasn’t like this until kids. We have a 4 year old and 11 month old. We’ve been together for 7 years. We have now moved 3 times. Thought this last move was going to really help. But still he is soooo distant. Everything I say either gets a one word response or rolled eyes. I really want what we used to have back!!

    • liz June 13, 2015, 11:09 pm

      Tell him how unhappy you are. Tell him what you wrote in this post. Maybe he doesn’t know how you feel. If he doesn’t seem to care, then maybe you should tell him you cant live like this anymore and you are leaving. Some men need a shock…because there are several who think their wives and partners will never do it and cant live without them. Maybe he is dealing with something else? either way, something has to get moving to improve things otherwise you will become even more miserable and resent him to the point of no return. Sometimes we have to find the courage to just act on our laurels and show our men that we are worth much more than this silent and emotional abuse.
      Be strong and be happy. Ive been there…and the only thing I could do was leave. We are back together now and he is so much better and so is our marriage.

  • Bree June 13, 2015, 10:56 pm

    Hi ladies I’m writing again here to give an update. I commented many months ago and have received emails about when others post and reading your comments has helped me so much. I ended up finally telling my husband I am leaving, quit my job and made plans to go back to my home state. It took all of that for my husband to wake up and realize how awful he has been and that things needed to change. Well too late because I’ve left anyway and am so happy! Its been years since I woke up refreshed and excited for my day to begin! For now we are separated, I’m not closing the door on him completely but I am enjoying myself and finding myself again after 5 years of a lifeless, nonconversational, draining marriage! I hope everyone on this page can find happiness, that’s my drive in life and being with someone who is incapable of normal interaction just isn’t it!!

    • Liz June 13, 2015, 11:17 pm


  • Silent equals rude June 17, 2015, 8:04 am

    Leave him. I have no patience with people who won’t talk. It’s rude and its unacceptable. Leave him and let him be the lonely one for a change.

  • dianna brownridge June 22, 2015, 4:29 pm

    I have the same problem. My husband and I have been married 15 yrs. He’s never been a talker and I fell in love with him despite this. But after so long I am feeling lonely. He doesn’t even respond to a simple conversation starter such as, me telling him about the kids or what happened that day. I have accepted his silence, but enough is enough. He maybe says 5 words to me in a week. I am worried I will start looking for conversation in others and fear could lead to seeking others for emotional support. I do not want my marriage to end because he can’t provide conversation. Thats silly and I definitely do not want to have an affair just because I’m feeling lonely. I know he can talk because whenever I express my concern about finding a companion who pays attention to me, he will put forth the effort for that day. Although he goes back to silence the next day. I am feeling like I am not important to him because he’s not even acknowledge me when I do say something to him. Our relationship is good in every other aspect and often feel like I am being a spoiled brat wanting it all. But am tired of feeling alone when he is right next to me. Any advise?

    • Yvonne July 26, 2015, 10:15 pm

      I know exactly how you feel how do you deal with it I’m having the same feelings that’s horrible and it hurts I am so alone or least I feel I’m so alone and he’s right there

  • TT So Sad July 4, 2015, 4:46 pm

    Well, i’m so glad I found this site, I have only been married a month and I am already feeling this way. My partner does not talk to me at all. I mean sure of course the standard, how was ur day and I love you text…but when it comes to talking about emotional or just things that are important ..there is a total shut down on their part. No matter what the conversation is I get nothing….We courted online for months with non stop phone and text conversation, but once we moved in together it all stopped. I was feeling very sad and alone that the emotional ties just fizzled…and like most of you im sure this person loves me but just doesn’t know how to communicate or feels cornered each time I want to talk. I don’t want to leave because im very in love I just feel like maybe I married a stranger and really don’t know what ive gotten into… Every night its a one sided argument about no communication. Im really in need of some help with this one but it does feel good to know im not alone, and not just being a jerk cause lord knows I don’t want to run them off…I just want to get things on track…Signed sad and confused.!!!

    • Yvonne July 26, 2015, 10:18 pm

      Your story is a lot like mine have you tried sending him down to talk to him I’ve been married for only two years and during our courtship we talk for hours about everything seriously everything now I don’t know how to talk to him I love him so much I feel like the silent treatment is going to hurt us. I told him how I feel this is the second time since we’ve been married that he’s done this tomorrow will be day 3. I feel like that’s not OK but I don’t know if I’m wrong or not he’s doing it to punish me I know it but its slowly chipping away at me because I don’t know how to cope with it

  • Tyra July 8, 2015, 2:26 am

    I have been married 1 and a half years now. My husband is loving, kind, affectionate; however, he never talks. When I try to talk to him, he is either texting or playing on his iPad. We never have conversations, and sometimes dinner together is a completely silent one hour aside from the obligatory comment about the food being good or bad. I love talking. I love having stimulating conversation, and use conversation as a method of connecting with others. My ex and I used to talk about everything and anything, we used to have such interesting conversations that servers in restaurants would ask us how we kept the relationship and communication alive even after ten years. I stayed with him eventhough he was an awfully selfish man who treated me appallingly because I felt so emotionally connected to him. Now with my lovely, kind husband I live in silence. I feel disconnected and our sex life is suffering as a result. How can I connect physically, when is don’t connect on any other other level with him?
    My solution? Self preservation. I used to go crazy starting conversations all the time, getting upset, telling him and explaining that I need more from him. They were unsuccessful techniques and only made me even more upset upon failing to engage him. So I have shut off. Why talk to him when I get nothing back? What’s the point? The worse thing is?! He seems happier that I have shut off and stopped talking completely.

  • Michelle July 9, 2015, 5:29 pm

    I could relate to a lot of what was said. I’m sorry to make this so long, but if anyone reads to the end…please give a little feedback on this…

    My boyfriend and have been together for a year and a half, and this is my first serious relationship.
    We met online and there was a lot of flirtatious talk, but it was just fun for me. he had just got out of a relationship and i was just figuring out what i wanted in terms of sex and relationships, but he kept insisting that we meet in real life so I finally agreed (we did not know what each other looked like before this).

    He was not my type physically and I wasn’t really attracted to him, and I made it clear I didn’t want a relationship. We started having a purely sexual relationship but texted each other every day. 3 months in and he wanted a relationship and continued to bring it up. I was the first one to say I Love you because i did care about him, and I felt I should try not to be so shallow about who I gave myself to.

    Fast forward to a year later, I moved to another country to study full-time and I also began working 30 hrs a week. I had less and less interest in being in a relationship, especially long distance and just felt like I wanted a break. He thought I was breaking up with him, started crying on the phone and eventually I gave in to him. But I kept pulling away and any free time I got, I spent on the computer, or reading. I should add that his childhood, his family, his current job, and past relationships seem to all contribute to him being very pessimistic, which I noticed more and more so I didn’t want to talk to him.

    I wanted to break up with him, I started thinking…I’m so young, he’s not even my type, do I even want to marry him eventually, I have no time to be in a relationship and go to school and work.
    3 months of feeling like this, and I made a really horrible decision…I cheated with someone I’d been talking to. he took it really hard, but didn’t break it off and wanted to work things out. I half wanted him to end it so I could be free, but I also felt bad for feeling that way and for cheating and then being the one to end it, so I said I would do better and apologised every day.

    Now to present-day, and we are having communication issues. He has never been much of an in-depth talker unless it’s something he’s very interested in, which isn’t much. His most common response is “ok” which drives me crazy. Recently he has started not responding when I share links or music with him. when I prod further, he says it’s because he didn’t find it interesting or surprising. Today he admitted he thinks I talk too much, and go on and on about things he doesn’t like. I understand that, but he doesn’t have any suggestions about what we can talk about instead…i find it strange because he always says “I just want to talk to you”.

    I send voice notes, but today he also admitted he finds them to be a waste of time and that mine are too long (3 to 8 mins), and that I should keep it under a minute. I feel like breaking up with him again, but I asked him to speak to his counselor or a close friend about what we are going through.

    PLEASE, any feedback would be really appreciated….

    • Natty July 9, 2015, 6:06 pm

      I wonder why you are asking yourself this. Break up with him!!! You don’t seem to like him. And he is starting to not like you. Seem cut & clear to me. What will you be missing out on by not staying with him. Most people are not fortunate of being alone, so you will find someone else… He will too!

  • Liz July 9, 2015, 8:16 pm

    Yes. I agree with the above post. End it. I don’t understand why you stayed when you didn’t want to anyway? On top of that, you don’t really see too many positive traits in him. Just cut all ties and go on with your life.

  • Angie July 11, 2015, 2:55 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and we live together. I have the same problems with communication. When we first met (online) he was very talkative and we spent hours on the phone and he would do most of the talking. When we finally met in person after 8 months he was a bit shy and far less talkative. Now after almost a year of being together I am growing really impatient of him not really talking to me. I talked to him about it many times and I told him that I feel alone most of the time even when he is around. He says that he will try to fix it, but nothing really changes. We do go out on the weekends and visit family all of the time, but he is always quiet and everyone always thinks he’s mad.

    I am widowed and have a 7 year old from my late husband and I don’t think that I am in a place where I can be bringing men in and out of my life. We are both young (24) and sometimes I feel like maybe we just jumped into it too quickly. I really want to make this work , but lately I’he been feeling like I made a mistake and I don’t want to keep wasting time if things are not going to change.

  • fran mirren July 24, 2015, 2:49 pm

    Easy answer to the title “What to do when your man doesn’t talk?”

  • Yvonne July 26, 2015, 10:13 pm

    We’re going on day two of his silent treatment he’s done this once before I told him how it made me feel now he’s doing it again. I’ve been married 2 years our communication sucks. I’m a communicator I like to resolve issues and go about our day. He usually doesn’t have a problem doing that also but for some reason because I’ve wasted my opinion in a tone he didn’t like I’m getting the silent treatment again. I feel really alone and it’s starting to question trust with him. I don’t know how to cope with the silent treatment I’ve been on Google reading websites about silent treatment for the past two days I keep thinking if this is the way he is and this is what he needs maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way I don’t know but in the meantime it’s chipping away at me

  • Charity July 27, 2015, 10:22 am

    Does not work. I have tried all of these things and he just doesn’t care. You are there to deal with his shit and then he will not try. Just divorce him. Take it from 9 years and not one change.

  • Yvonne July 27, 2015, 11:18 am

    Day 3 I couldn’t take it I text you and I hope you have a good day I love you this morning I got a text saying I love you. There’s damage there though I don’t trust him

    • EuGene July 27, 2015, 12:02 pm

      Yvonne, what are you expecting to happen? Something you saw in a movie, him come to you and apologize and says something romantic and makes you a promise??? I hope I’m not coming off to rude however but wake up, it sounds like you need to work on a few things about yourself.
      I also don’t see the connection with his silent treatment and you not trusting him, provide more information.
      From what I can tell from what you said is that you offended him and he wants to show you what not talking is like. Try and understand his point of view and express yourself from his stand point, or just say: “I will work with you on what is bothering me”. Even though that is a selfish statement, it’s true. The both of y’all need to work together to help you cope/deal etc.

  • Yvonne July 27, 2015, 1:10 pm

    @Eugene.. you know what you’re absolutely right and I think I really needed to hear that I was looking for somebody to soothe my ego and definitely was not expecting him to chase me he’s not that bad and Im not that girl. I’m assuming that you’re a guy maybe you can give me some advice how do I get my husband to stopgiving me the silent treatment I don’t know how to approach him

  • Kay August 2, 2015, 8:24 am

    This has been a long time problem between me and my husband. And whenever I feel alone, I try to find the answer online as to why he is not a conversive person if it’s normal and what should I do. Usually, in the blogs they will say you just have to accept it. But I haven’t and I think I won’t be able to do so.

    Naturally, women love to talk and to listen as well. But my husband just keeps whatever he thinks by himself. I really don’t know why. We’ve been married for 6 years now. And would you believe, we dont celebrate anniversaries. We don’t greet happy anniv to each other. We dont say “i love you” in person. We only do that in messages when were not together (like he’s out of the country). I barely say “i miss you” even if i feel so while he doesn’t say I miss you at all. I am really a showy person but as years gone by, it started to feel awkward. Like its better to not show what i really feel for him coz our relationship will just look like one sided.

    In all fairness, he’s a very good guy. He’s responsible, he understands me being an extrovert, he loves our kids (we have 2), we don’t have any problems. But like you all guys, I feel so lonely and alone being at this kind of relationship. I can’t help but think of my ex’s. In my previous relationships, guys I dated are so vocal about their feelings and we can talk anything under the sun at anytime. And I can talk to them any topic I’d like to open, they’re like my bestfriend. And I am really wondering how I ended up with this kind of guy.

    I tried talking it out with him but he just shut me out. It even came to a point where I have to ask him to drink with me so that we can easily say how we feel when were tipsy but he ended up sleeping early after some drinks. I also tried asking him if he thinks I am attractive to him but he said what kind of question is that. What the fuck. I am taking care of myself for him but I dont get any appreciation. He is actually more comfortable in pointing out my flaws rather than my positive traits. It just really sucks.

    Like I said, ive been looking for an answer as to why and how a guy can be so limited about what they feel or think bout anything. Still, I couldn’t find the answer. And i remain in misery. :(

  • Amy August 22, 2015, 11:44 pm

    Hi ladies, wow I read all of your concerns and i don’t feel so alone in the world. Ive been with my bf for 3 and a half yrs and its been rocky since day one. Weve broken up so many times we should be in the book of world records. It seems like I’m always talking to a wall. I speak and he says nothing or thinks I’m trying to start something with him when that’s not the truth. All he does is watch tv and sleeps. We don’t go out ever! We don’t hang out with anyone and its very depressing. I moved 2500 miles away from my friends and family for him and now I’m just totally miserable and depressed. I love him so much and do so much for him but dont feel appreciated or respected at all. I tell him I’m going to leave and find someone else and then he will say please dont leave me i cant live without you, so I stay and next day back to old self. We don’t have sex anymore barely and when we do its for his few minutes of pleasure and then im left laying there like an idiot and thrown a towel at. I want to be happy with him and have tried everything to save us but idk what to do. I cook, clean, make his lunch, laundry. Im the ultimate women, but just feel so sad and alone. Some nights things are good, then next day hes back to his same crap. I cherish the good nights cause idk how long im going to get that attention. Then he flips a switch. Should I just leave him? I leave and then cant be without him. Hes the same way. Then we get back together and in the same rut.

    • Natty August 23, 2015, 8:17 am

      YES, you should leave. He will find another fool to take care of him. And not to mean about it, you are a fool. Also I do not see the reason to tell him you are going to leave him for someone else, you need to be leaving him for yourself. From everything you have shared; I see no reason why you should stay with him.
      Do you feel responsible for him? Maybe you been there for him for to long he is unable to do anything on his own, including talking.
      Please get out, you don’t have kids. You aren’t married. So please put yourself first and the man you will be ending up with; the man that will value you and treat you with love and support.

  • mara August 24, 2015, 3:45 am

    Hey ladies, Thank you for sharing it really helps to know that u r not alone.
    I’ve been married for 7 years no kids , mu husband is such an amazing guy so tender and he is good to me, my problem started with him not sharing and talking since day one i knew he can’t share much but i thought that maybe that will be changed after marriage, unfortunately it got worse, i am so expressive i like to talk about feeling and stuff and i begged him a million time to talk back but he never did , he now thinks that am so needy and pushy, we spent a year apart due to work reasons, i think that was our turning point, he s a changed man, i talked to him a lot, told him how lonely and neglected i feel, he always said that am being over dramatic, i know he loves me but am sure its not like before its more like he got used to living with me he is taking me for granted i am sure, lately i asked him for divorce coz i couldn’t do this anymore i lost all my energy trying and he didn’t even put up a fight to it he was like “whatever makes u happy , i ll do!!” i was shocked we r still together but am going crazy ,don’t know what to do :( is divorce the right thing to do?


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