Q: I recently got married to a guy who should have been perfect for me. The problem is that he doesn’t communicate at all. I feel sad and alone most of the time, and I never know what he’s thinking. How do I get him to open up? — Lonely and ignored
Dear Lonely and Ignored:
Welcome to my world! My husband is the strong and silent type, too. Your answer lies in a combination of acceptance and gentle prodding.
It’s important to understand that he may never become a talker. Some people are talkers, and some aren’t. Me expecting my husband to morph into a conversationalist is like him expecting me to suddenly develop an interest in car racing. Just ain’t going to happen.
That said, you do not have to continue to suffer in silence. Use this advice.
Ask him to listen. Explain that you don’t need him to chatter back at you, respond, or fix your problems. You just want him to listen with rapt attention. This will take the pressure off him to talk. If you want him to do certain things as he listens, tell him. Perhaps you want him to make eye contact, hold your hand, nod every once in a while, and so on. I know it sounds silly, but these are things that women and some men do automatically. Strong and silent types? They need an instruction manual.
Make a list of topics that you absolutely need him to communicate. For instance, you may want all financial purchases to be made jointly. You may want some parenting decisions to be made together (what time should Johnny’s curfew be?) and some not (whether or not it’s a good time to play catch in the backyard). Again, the ability to know the difference between Must-Talk-About-Now Topics and Better-Left-Unsaid comes naturally to some, and not so naturally to others. Teach him how to know the difference.
Let him talk when he’s ready. If you need to discuss something that will probably make him uncomfortable and shut down, bring it up calmly and ask, “When would be a good time to talk about this?” This allows him time to think things over, prepare a response, and calm down from the stress of being confronted.
Talk while you are doing something else. Do it while walking, while sitting in the car, or over dinner. This reduces tension, which may allow him to more easily open up.
When he does talk, reward him. This is important, especially if he is finally opening up for the first time. Hug him. Say thank you. Take him to the bedroom.
Talk about your loneliness. Explain that you want to feel close to him and you worry that you might turn to someone else for this closeness if you don’t get it from him. Ask him to help you affair-proof your marriage.
Don’t ask him what he’s thinking or feeling. You’re just wasting your creative energy on that one. The answer to, “What are you thinking?” is probably, “Nothing.” The answer to “What are you feeling?” is probably “I have no clue.” Instead, ask him very specific questions that cannot be answered with a yes or a no, questions such as:
- Why do you root for the Mets?
- Tell me about the most interesting thing that happened to you today.
- If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?
- If you could live anywhere, where would you want to live?
Find an outlet for your need for conversation. It will never be him. Find a group of girlfriends who love to chat. Get involved in online discussion groups. Sit at the local coffee shop, diner or some other hangout spot for a few minutes everyday and chat with strangers.
Do you have advice for Lonely and Ignored? Share it in the comments area!
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow. I could have written that question. While I really appreciate my husband’s calm temperament, the lack of conversation used to drive me up the wall! Emotions? Logically I know he has them, however I’ve only truly seen them when his father died and when he left us to go overseas for six months. Other than that I’d swear he wasn’t human! LOL!
Thanks for the advice, I’ll definately be using some of these techniques in future. There are a couple of topics that I want to discuss with him, and I’ve been putting it off because I didn’t want the angst that comes with his non-discussion.
Very early on in our marriage, I wasn’t working at the time and was at home all day. DH came home from work one day and was heading off to the computer room. I said to him “I’ve been home alone all day, I need some adult conversation!” He looked at me, raised one eyebrow and said “And you’re asking me?” We laughed over it, but it was totally true that he was not the one I was going to get that conversation from.
Ever since then I’ve made sure I keep up with girlfriends and have a social life that gives me that conversation that I need. I’m not putting undue pressure on my hubby to become something that he’s not.
OMGosh! I light bulb moment!!!!!!! I wouldn’t have written this question because I wasn’t fully aware that I have this same … situation (problem? LOL) but I guess I do. This has been so helpful I can’t even tell you. I find myself so frustrated at times I want to scream. Ken is not quiet … but he only wants to talk about what HE wants to talk about and I then feel ignored … so is that a communication issue or selfishness? LOL But I know he does shut down a lot so I’ll read this and re-read it and try some new strategies. Thanks! *SmiLes* Suzanne
My husband was and still is to some extent a non-talker. After 20 years together I’ve found a couple of things to be true.
1. If they don’t respond to a question such as “what do you think of this dress” it’s because they either:
a) don’t know the correct answer or if there is a correct answer
b) don’t think anything about the dress – (men really and truly don’t think about such things I’ve found, especially the SS types. If they did chances are they probably have more in common with the Queer Eye guys than you)
c) probably feel trapped and paniced by the whole question.
So, I’ve trained my husband as to what the proper answer is to loaded questions. I suggest that you prepare a battery of proper responses to any question and give them to your clueless husband. A few of my favorites that my husband can use anytime.
* “You’re pretty and thin, and you can eat all you want!”
* “Yes, she is pretty but not nearly as pretty as you.”
* “You are the prettiest one here.”
* “No, I think you need the smaller size.”
* “You’re right! I never thought of it that way.”
* “You look good in anything but you look best naked.” – my all time favorite.
* “Can I help you with anything?” – if they pull this one out, let them help but for gawd’s sake, don’t direct or criticize how they do it! Otherwise it will be the last time they offer.
If you’re newly married, please understand it may take a couple of years to get him trained. These are ice-breaker responses for him, and made to get him used to responding.
It also helps to think of training your husband to talk to you like teaching a puppy not to pee in the house. Keep it positive.
Christy–Those are great responses. I’m going to teach them to my Mr. S&S! Thanks for sharing them.
I wouldn’t have been able to come up with most of this myself; it’s really great advice. Except for the going-to-someone-else affair-proofing part. I think that is disingenuous, unnecessary and potentially upsetting. It says, “if my need to talk isn’t satisfied at home I may end up sleeping with someone else,” which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. That kind of satisfaction is also pretty arbitrary as a target, so depending on the person, it could just be setting them up to fail. Not the best way to improve a relationship.
When my husband isn’t expressing himself in words I sometimes say to him, “Think out loud,” in a gentle voice. And he does and — presto — he’s talking.
My husband is the exact picture of the strong-and-silent type. He has a bad day at work, and the only person who can get it out of him is our best friend, Chris. He’ll talk, and to me occasionally, but how can I get him to talk to me more?
Ginny, I think you have a good point but also I think you missed the angle on the one part. The woman worrying that her man will seek out someone else because you don’t have a good connection is what she was really getting at. Not cheating on him to find someone to talk to. I can relate to feeling ‘alone’ in a way that I feel I miss him when he is right there. Then we go to bed and he says nothing and we start making love. Great stuff but leaves me empty emotionally. Now on his part…When men don’t ‘feel close’ and they don’t know why, they most often do end up going to someone else. Sometimes that happens very innocently. Further, I think that when you get your own communication bottled up because he won’t talk, is when it spirals and no one really knows things are going in the wrong direction until something bad happens. I like the advice to tell them to “think out loud”. I think it is calm and subtle enough to get most men going. I myself don’t get what I need from HIM by chatting with women. It is the truly knowing him that I crave. He is the most magnificent man I have ever met and I want all I can get!!! I do things with him that are part of his world and am truly interested. This creates avenues for communication. I will use the suggestion to ask him specific questions more. It does work. I spent the weekend just doing things with him and not needing anything from him. He thanked me Sun evening for a great weekend. It said a lot. I guess learning to hear the message in his words sometimes and getting what we need out of it is our lesson!
My husband and I use to talk all of the time. We lived in different states the first year of our relationship and talked on the phone for hours. I moved in with him and then we continued to hit it off. We would talk about anything. Then he started getting more and more into the computer and we moved back to his original state and closer to his friends and now he comes home from work and pretty much goes straight to the computer or will talk about his day and then he goes to the computer. He doesn’t ask about my day or if he does, doesn’t really listen to my answer. I try to talk to him away from the computer about different things and he just ignores me or gets upset. I email him through out the day and he never emails me back. Says he is to busy, but then will say something about helping someone else or finding something on the computer. I miss our talks and don’t know what to do to find them again.
In reading this response and so many of the comments, I am baffled.
If all these women have husbands who don’t talk, then what do you all do together?
Do you have children?
How did that happen?
(I’m serious btw!)
Is it possible to make love with someone and create a family without…talking and expressing feelings?
WoW! I could never do that. I give you all some real credit!
My hubby is my best friend in the whole world and if we didn’t have each other to talk to, life would just not be the same.
How do folks get married without talking? Do the guys write a note when the propose (LOL!)
I never knew that people who didn’t talk to one another could get married – I honestly thought that finding your soul mate meant you matched up in every way – and that includes someone who enjoys the same things you do — and talks about it!
Hopefully, this woman was able to get her hubby to open up. That would sure be lonely not to be able to talk (esp when it comes to expressing yourselves — that makes the intimacy soooo much more enjoyable….you know?)
Thanks for sharing – I wish the best for everyone.
(sorry for adding another post…i just saw lynn’s, too)
I’m so sorry lynn, that does not sound good. anyone who spends too much time on the computer is a scary thing to me.
you never know what they are doing or up to.
that sounds like an addiction.
i wonder if you couldn’t schedule at least one night a week out of the house.
ie: make reservations (and don’t cook dinner!) at a local restaurant and plan a nice walk around a lake or park or something afterward.
something that gets him out of the house (but not something like a movie — that’s just another distraction!), but something where he has to be engaged.
dinner is a good start – but it needs to be followed up with some other activity – like a walk or going to hit golf balls at the driving range (does he golf? every guy golfs lol!) – or playing putt-putt, something were you two could be together doing something, but still be able to spend “quality” time together and perhaps talk.
If there is an activity involved, then it won’t seem like you are trying to get him to talk – it will just come naturally in the course of the activity.
dinner could also be followed by going to an ice cream stand or a dessert bar, etc.
Or taking a bike ride (i like the physical activities, but trying to give you enough suggestions that would take care of one or two nights a week for several weeks).
You’ll think of some things, too.
I know men don’t always like to shop, but if you went to dinner and then to a Sporting Goods store, well that would be a different story. Men love to look at sporting goods. In the summer, maybe you could go fishing or for a boat ride together.
Point is — he needs to get OUT of that house and AWAY from that computer!
I’m sure you can do it – -and I hope something like this works for you.
He just needs a little coaxing (but a pre-planned activity)….in fact…..you may even want to have him meet you for dinner, directly after work, so he doesn’t even have a chance to go home first! LOL!! I wish you luck….you seem like you really love your hubby and i’m sure he loves you, too, just got into a habit that he needs a little nudging out of. Good Luck!
The 5 most important words a husband can learn to say. YES DEAR, YOUR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT
Okay it’s a joke but apripoe lol
I was just rereading this post. I don’t know if anybody will even get this comment but I have a thought or two. I think a lot of misunderstanding comes from the fact that we each expect our spouse to do, act & think like we do. Truth is each person is different & brings different personalities to the table. Ad to that the difference in the way the different sexes think, process thought & how they deal with thought & some real misunderstanding can happen.
In general when we as males are asked “what are you thinking”? The answer often is nothing. May not be a popular answer but many times it is true. It’s not popular thought in today’s society but men & women process ideas, issues etc. TOTALLY different than men do. Women tend to put much more thought into most things than men do. So when they get this answer they can’t understand how we couldn’t really have an opinion on it when they do. Perhaps a lot of misunderstanding could be avoided if we took our spouse at his/her word. We sometimes have to aknowledge that we do think differently & what may seem important to one may not be as big of a priority to the other. Sometimes one spouse just didn’t realize how important it is to the other.
That being said then yes we need to make things that are a priority to one a priority to the other. Sometimes I may not understand why something is so important to my beloved but I have learned that if it is important to her. I need to make it important to me. We both had to learn that we can’t expect each other to think the same on matters. Sometimes things may be important to me that may seem trivial to her. After time we each had to learn not to get upset with the other because we really didn’t realize it was important to me/her. So I guess what I am saying is opening discussion is a good thing. Just don’t get upset that your husband/wife didn’t initally see it as a priority. Most are loving & after seeing it is important will be happy to discuss it. Just my 2 cents..lol
Sunnie, how long have you been married? Things can start out great, and then, well life gets in the way. Kids ,jobs ,money and stress. If things start to feel unfair, like one partner is doing more, making more, ect. Also when you have kids and differing job schedules it can make it very difficult to spend quality time together. Not to mention money, It’s one thing to spend time at home together but especially as home grows it becomes even more important I think to “get out” with your partner (thus the time and money angle).
And for my part, I no longer believe in “soul mates”. He can start out being that but without maintenace it can all go down the drain. It sounds like you and your husband talk a lot and I’m happy for you.
It’s been my experience though that things like a man being worried that he isn’t providing for his family as well as he thinks he should be, can lead a man to NOT talk because he feels inadaquate.
I agree with Sunnie – if you don’t communicate, what’s the point? I am hopelessly lonely in my marriage and have been for some time. More lonely than being not married, I think, because at least if I wasn’t married, I could seek out the company of someone I was compatible with.
I have a husband who doesn’t like to talk much and I find myself getting lonelier and lonelier. I also shifted countries after we got married and have left behind my family and friends. I have made some new friends but it’s just not the same.
I used to think that after we got married, he’d start feeling the need to share more as he’d have someone to do it with. But nah- mistake no.1, coz you can’t change people.
I don’t have any answers but have started thinking that it’s beget to be alone than be with someone and feel lonely.
I’m 24. I just decided 5 months ago, after dating women for the past 4 years, that I would give men another shot. My boyfriend(21) of 2 1/2 months is/was strong, sweet and said all the right things. It seemed like love from the very start. But he stopped talking 2 weeks ago. It’s like he knew all the right things to do to have me head over heels for him. Now he’s lost. He still calls but remains quiet. I decided I’d be silent as well. But he says, “Sweetheart, talk to me.” I told him I’ve been talking to a brick wall and it’s his turn. He gets mad but doesn’t talk about it. He says, “Ugh!”, “Okay Sweetheart”, or “I’ll work on it”. But he never does. I’ve asked what’s wrong. He says NOTHING. I ask him to talk. He asks what do I want to talk about. I ask if I’ve done anything wrong, if he’s not feeling me anymore. He just laughs and tell me to stop clowning. That’s because he doesn’t understand his silence is a problem. Last night(Thanksgiving) family members kept pulling me to the side asking if he’s okay.
I don’t blame them because he had been sitting quietly for 3 hrs. He would take & make phone calls. I asked him 2 talk 2 me like I’m one of his friends. He only smiled. My little sister’s fiance told her I looked like I was gonna pass out from boredom & he wonder how long it would last. I had been asking myself the same ? all night. Then my sis walked in with playing cards. He asked me if he could play. I told him 2 do whatever because it’s not like he’s here anyway. He played a while then asked me 2 walk him out. Once outside I let him know I can’t work without communication. He asked 4 a hug & kiss. That’s like working in a fast food restaurant all day on an empty stomach. He got frustrated & said he hates arguing. After bickering a while as he cont. 2 remain silent he finally said he’s going home 2 think abt the situation & would call with his thoughts. He went 2 a club altho he had 2 work at 6 this mornin. He text at 7am sayin he loves me but still no thoughts. Wondering… breakup or give him time. ???
I so get what you mean. Needs for validation and verification are so important because what if you’re doing the wrong thing and he’s not saying it because… There’s no end to the reasons why since he doesn’t say anything!
Easiest thing for your own health is to take a good look at his intent. At first I can see what you think are highlights of the problem but then I see sentences like “He says, [...] or ‘I’ll work on it’.” Wow. That’s big that he didn’t just hang up out of frustration of not knowing what you want.
He asked your permission to leave you to play cards? Then he wanted you to see him off? Then he wants a proper goodbye? Then he says he doesn’t want to argue? He seems so polite. So this 21 year old polite guy doesn’t ramble but IS WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOU? What? Intently? I bet you’ll tell me he even knew what you were talking about by the end of it.
Best case scenario is that he’s going through a rough patch and doesn’t want to burden you with them (granted, it’d be easier for you if he told you because the curiosity is killing you, but let’s take it from his possible view). Worst case he’s been working for the mafia and can’t tell you. Why would you want to know? If he had another girl, why would he waste time listening to you ramble on the phone instead of being with her?
Intent, is what I’m getting at.
I’ve read this article and all the discussions and I just want to be totally honest with all you ladies–these men are running on empty and only think selfishly, they work at boring jobs where they are stimulated very little or not at all and come home feeling empty in the brain. They receive their stimulation from addicting websites (like the dude I think Lynn was talking about). They may be testosterone-deficient because nothing makes them “jump” anymore. What you ladies need to do is get spicier, get rid of their computer, talk in ways that stimulate them, make them problem-solve without making situations too heavy (or you can pretend they are heavy when they really aren’t), make them think, make them want to articulate, MAKE THEM LAUGH (GET REALLY STUPID AND SILLY), make them want to correct you / fix you. Gang up on your husband with a friend, poke him, stir him (stimulation). Don’t talk behind his back, be completely open and critial but in a FUN way. It has to be fun or else it won’t work. It will be a short-lived response you get back from them but it’ll be profound and will keep your marriage at least decent, make you think, “Hey, this guy loved what I said and cared enough.” Us quiet guys love tough spouses with wit and youthful-spirited and who are armed with cattle prods. It’s a tall order but you don’t have to be perfect, just get their brain cells firing. Men like these really are about as reptile-like as you can get while still being human.
Oh yea and make sure they eat healthy food. Junk food will only make shy guys worse. Caffeine and alcohol may seem to work for a short while but in the end it will just make them even worser, make sure they do not become alcoholic!!! If you think they’re quiet now, imagine how much more boring they would become if they ran on alcohol.