What to do when your man doesn’t talk

Q: I recently got married to a guy who should have been perfect for me. The problem is that he doesn’t communicate at all. I feel sad and alone most of the time, and I never know what he’s thinking. How do I get him to open up? — Lonely and ignored

Dear Lonely and Ignored:

Welcome to my world! My husband is the strong and silent type, too. Your answer lies in a combination of acceptance and gentle prodding.

It’s important to understand that he may never become a talker. Some people are talkers, and some aren’t. Me expecting my husband to morph into a conversationalist is like him expecting me to suddenly develop an interest in car racing. Just ain’t going to happen.

That said, you do not have to continue to suffer in silence. Use this advice.

Ask him to listen.
Explain that you don’t need him to chatter back at you, respond, or fix your problems. You just want him to listen with rapt attention. This will take the pressure off him to talk. If you want him to do certain things as he listens, tell him. Perhaps you want him to make eye contact, hold your hand, nod every once in a while, and so on. I know it sounds silly, but these are things that women and some men do automatically. Strong and silent types? They need an instruction manual.

Make a list of topics that you absolutely need him to communicate.
For instance, you may want all financial purchases to be made jointly. You may want some parenting decisions to be made together (what time should Johnny’s curfew be?) and some not (whether or not it’s a good time to play catch in the backyard). Again, the ability to know the difference between Must-Talk-About-Now Topics and Better-Left-Unsaid comes naturally to some, and not so naturally to others. Teach him how to know the difference.

Let him talk when he’s ready. If you need to discuss something that will probably make him uncomfortable and shut down, bring it up calmly and ask, “When would be a good time to talk about this?” This allows him time to think things over, prepare a response, and calm down from the stress of being confronted.

Talk while you are doing something else. Do it while walking, while sitting in the car, or over dinner. This reduces tension, which may allow him to more easily open up.

When he does talk, reward him. This is important, especially if he is finally opening up for the first time. Hug him. Say thank you. Take him to the bedroom.

Talk about your loneliness. Explain that you want to feel close to him and you worry that you might turn to someone else for this closeness if you don’t get it from him. Ask him to help you affair-proof your marriage.

Don’t ask him what he’s thinking or feeling.
You’re just wasting your creative energy on that one. The answer to, “What are you thinking?” is probably, “Nothing.” The answer to “What are you feeling?” is probably “I have no clue.” Instead, ask him very specific questions that cannot be answered with a yes or a no, questions such as:

  • Why do you root for the Mets?
  • Tell me about the most interesting thing that happened to you today.
  • If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?
  • If you could live anywhere, where would you want to live?

Find an outlet for your need for conversation.
It will never be him. Find a group of girlfriends who love to chat. Get involved in online discussion groups. Sit at the local coffee shop, diner or some other hangout spot for a few minutes everyday and chat with strangers.

Do you have advice for Lonely and Ignored? Share it in the comments area!

Send your questions to the Marriage Expert.

185 comments… add one

  • sathya November 2, 2014, 11:31 am

    Its so true. My husband is not talking to me even after 8 yrs of marriage and I have developed severe mental disorder. I started talking on my own and look at couples who talk with jealous.

    • Marissa April 26, 2015, 12:34 am

      Oh my God!!! I do the same, it is normal as long as yu are aware yu talk to yourself and mo strange voices is talking back at you.. You are not crazy, it Is a stress reliever or in our case our lack of conversation reliever. I am trying to recall and I don’t remember talking out loud to myself until I marry him, unless I am in denial and I always did.

      • Julie alexander June 10, 2015, 1:27 pm

        Yesterday I talk Nathan her father in law don’t what him talk on cellphone

      • pegs June 26, 2016, 9:18 am

        Mime is having a mid life crisis and is so moodymanopause

    • Amy December 5, 2015, 3:41 pm

      Just learn to ignor such people . Never ever communicate anything to them. Just do exactly what they do to you

    • Oblivion queen June 26, 2016, 5:47 pm

      Im experiencing that too. Im in a 2year old marriage. I know that my husband is really a quiet man since we were in college, but i didnt expect that until now that we have a son, nothing has changed. Its even more difficult in my part because im far from them (working abroad). Sometimes i feel tired of reminding him that we should talk more, sometimes im trying not to send him message so at least he would ask me. What shall i do?

    • Hope July 31, 2016, 9:24 am

      I would LOVE for my husband to talk and laugh with me. I know he loves me very much but, he doesn’t talk much accept when I ask him questions. I feel so alone because I’m a people person and love to let my hair down and be silly sometimes. Also, he’s a worrier, about bills, safety.

  • Janice November 4, 2014, 12:11 pm

    Has he done this since day one? Find out if he’s just quiet or self-absorbing. Don’t wait until years into your marriage to find out. I’ve been married to a man like that for 37 years and haven’t had the time until now to figure out that I could of done more for myself and not just to satisfy his every whim and live with it. I was busy raising children so didn’t really focus on it until it was too late. Don’t wait until you get older to figure it out.

  • linda November 19, 2014, 11:30 am

    I am so fed up with the way my partner treats me. we used to talk about everything… emotional things weren’t easy… but we used to deal with and had really good chemistry. during our courting days he was very grounded, with common sense and seemed he had a good head on his shoulders. also our sex life was GREAT. fast forward 4 years later we have a toddler and another one due in a few weeks and we are practically strangers. it has been very gradual and I have been always alerting and trying to save whereas he has been emotionally checking out since he found out we were pregnant. he loves our child but displays -0- interest in me, what I am doing, how my day has been, my family, what i’m laughing or crying about.. it just simply doesn’t matter. further, I ask him about his day, his job, his colleagues, his sport and his answers are very vague unless ti’s sport or some project he is currently working on (which he can talk for hours about). he spends 23 hours a day on his blackberry, computer, tv, work and there are no goodnights, no good mornings, no I miss you, no I love yous and he doesn’t EVER talk about his lady colleagues which he hangs out with on a daily basis. (background we used to work together so I know them personally but now no one chats with me and he doesn’t talk to me about them… EVER). I feel like I am at the absolute bottom of his list and that he stays with me just for convenience and nothing else. also.. b/c I am the mother of his children. he doesn’t care if I want emotional or physical intimacy… he doesn’t care what makes me feel good or how he hurts me with what he does. every question I ask he things I have an agenda.. and all his answers are either “what kind of question is that,” “idk”, “maybe” or other dodging subjects. Also everytime we go out he never actually hangs out with me… always hanging out with others…. the more I write the more I keep thinking I just need to leave this relationship as why would anyone subject themselves to this kind of treatment when reality stares in the face. I guess, first is because I love him….and second because I think kids should live with their parents. Not sure why “I” love him now as I find it difficult to find reasons… this being masochistic in love makes no sense in the long run as people only change if they WANT to change… and second I know kids are happier if parents are happy… even if they have to be apart from them. regardless I desperately want to save my relationship… I am at the end of my string and I hav eno idea what to do any more…

    • Liz November 19, 2014, 12:46 pm

      I truly and honestly feel your pain. And I know that pain. It is so real and hurts a lot. I always used to think, what’s the use in living with a person when all you feel is alone? It’s worse than actually living alone. At least if you lived alone, you would be free of expectations and rights that a wife should never have to beg for. I have been married for 14 years like this and I thought it would never get better. We both started out EXACTLY the way you did. After 8 years of mental, emotional and physical abuse, I left. I moved far away with his child and he paid for it all. I manipulated the situation so that we were on speaking terms and helped him to understand that even though I still loved him, I couldn’t take it anymore or live with him. We talked often, from a distance. To make a long story short, he eventually started visiting. Things got better. VERY slowly. The time away and the distance helped me. Helped the relationship. We are still apart after 7 years but he is moving in. ….7 years. It has suited me because he visits, he pays for everything, we miss each other, and he will move back in soon. I don’t recommend this for everyone. It just worked for me. He is still distant sometimes and is not the affectionate type, but I have become considerably stronger where those needs are less important.
      Sometimes I wish that women would get to the point where we say, “don’t be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs” stand up for ourselves and be strong. I know we love our husbands and don’t want to leave them, but why should we be the ones who have to pussy-foot our way around the tender, fragile male egos. We should be the ones they chase, not us.
      But part of that doesn’t mean that we should expect them to cater to our every emotional and mental need. We are stronger than we think. And I? I am where I am because I acknowledge all my strength and having been able to put up with all that garbage in the past, because I have a relationship with Heavenly Father. No other words needed.

      • M November 19, 2014, 12:53 pm

        Brava, well said!!

      • Tyler June 18, 2015, 1:31 pm

        God is fake, sweetheart.

      • Liz June 18, 2015, 4:14 pm

        In YOUR mind sweetheart. (Tyler)

      • Casey December 20, 2015, 2:30 am

        Don’t be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs.
        But you said twice he pays for everything.

      • Liz December 20, 2015, 6:17 pm

        Just because he paid for everything, it doesn’t mean I need him. I earn more than enough. Maybe I should have said he WANTED to pay, so why not, after the crap I went through. Sufficeth to say, we are now both very happy.

    • April July 16, 2015, 10:40 pm

      My husband and I have only been together for 3 years, married almost 2. He is constantly on his phone, just like tonight, got home from work, he was on xbox, got done with xbox then he got on his phone, when he was finished with his phone he got on the computer. I sat out there for the longest time and tried to have a conversation with him and everything was short and sweet. After a while I got up and went in the bedroom room and stayed in there for an hour, went back out to the kitchen to grab a drink and he asked me what I was doing, I told him nothing, and that I was bored and he had no response. I feel like I live alone.

    • Mandy August 12, 2015, 6:08 pm

      Linda…I know exactly what you are saying and how it feels.
      I have been with a man for 2 years trying to figure out…what in gods name am I doing in his life…when he has no idea what he is doing to me. He comes home from work…doesn’t say a word, eats and watch t.v. and doesn’t say a word. He goes to sleep without saying a word. I feel like these men just needs a women to do their laundry and cook food for them. I personally feel I should leave but then again…my whole life has been on the run and I feel maybe this round he maybe the one. But after reading what your going through…I truly feel for you and your kids. Sometimes I feel maybe I am better on my own…at least I can go and do what I please and speak to who I want and when I want.

      • Angela January 2, 2016, 10:11 am

        I’ve been in a similar relationship for a while now. He talks when he feels like it , which is usually about himself, or his day. He is a good listener, but I often don’t get much response after I’ve finished sharing. Sometimes I think he needs to be with a woman who will have no voice and just live for him and be voiceless.
        Anytime I tend to bring up something that might be bothering me , he never takes ownership. It’s always “you should know that this is going to just piss me off attitude” therefore I should keep my feelings to myself. Why rock the boat ?
        Look, I love this guy, at least I did for a long time, but I’m feeling disconnected and I finally feel he doesn’t value our relationship. He thinks I want to change him, he feels I back him in corners constantly. The reality is , he can be very selfish , and at the end of the day if you are a expressive, talkative , emotionally girl… Go find your man. The quiet, smug, man that shuts down and shuts you out, isn’t your guy. I’ve learned a lot from this relationship, if he’s not playing on your team together , he doesn’t value the relationship enough to make it work.

        My breaking point.
        The last “disagreement” we had was based off of miscommunication. I wanted to talk about it and clear the air, but all he wanted was for it to be in his terms.
        If I came over to his place, I would have the “opportunity ” to talk to him. But he also said he had nothing to say. He doesn’t want to talk. Well Mandy, I hope you know that sitting in silence doesn’t make things get better either.

        You don’t need someone exactly like you, but maybe someone who’s personality suits one another a bit better.

        Good luck !

      • Anonymous April 22, 2016, 11:52 am

        May be there are many women feeling the same. I have realised that we should expect as less as possible from men. If u want to have fun, find your own sources, should not rely on them at all because we end up feeling disappointed.

    • lori November 30, 2015, 9:51 pm

      Dear Linda, I have 2 sisters named linda. I love your name. What a great person you are!!!
      Prayers for your dilemma. I think I can help. If you will let me. I heard a great sermon this last sun. at church. It was titled imaginary persecution. Sounds like you married your husband for good reasons and he is probably a great person because you want to stay married. So, I can hear you say I love him but he irritates you!!! So, the key is every time you get an irritation from him then, take it and see the thankfulness in it. For ex. my husband was telling me all about how he wants to get our daughter a Math tutor. It all sounded so good. I was affirming him and all. As if It weren’t enough he threw in he just wants to help her. I got that. So, instesd of saying I get it already, I said, when her grades go up then she will thank you. Hope this helps.

    • Zoe March 25, 2016, 8:50 pm

      You need to read women from Venus, men are from Mars, its gave me a huge understanding to the differences to how me and my fiancee communicated, and what we both need and want in communication in a relationship, its helped me, and I don’t pussy foot around him, he knows its drives me crazy when he doesn’t talk to me. But iv learnt to communicate it better so were not screaming at each other in frustration… After uv read it, if u think its beneficial, ask him to read it, if he’s having none of it, just say to him its a choice of trying to solve the problem, or the door! Every relationship has its issues, but if both people don’t want to fight for the relationship, or one refuses to try resolve the problems, then uv already lost, because it wont get easier, you’ll only grow to resent each other, which will only be toxic. If u do read it, I hope it helps!

  • Sharda November 30, 2014, 12:33 am

    Great advice in this article, thank you.

    I would like to add one more option…..Separate/divorce
    If your needs are not getting met with a person than why marry them. (This is in case the person has always been like that, and not suddenly stopped talking).
    Why torture yourself? And i believe that your partner may also feel that you don’t fully except them (which is true). The situation is bad for both of you.

    • Ty January 20, 2015, 12:43 am

      I haven’t been with my boyfriend very long .. Soon it will be two years which is the longest relationship I’ve been In. We have a huge communication problem and idk what to do about it. Whenever I want to talk he shuts me out and nothing ever really gets resolved. We used to talk about everything and even have sex more now none of that happens. Most of our arguments or fights are about his actions whenever things aren’t going perfectly in his life he completely shuts me out and gives me no type of communication at all. I’ve tried everything and nothing works im sad and frustrated I don’t deserve this there is no reason why we shouldn’t be having sex regularly I’m to the point where I just wanna give up I’m only 20 and I feel like I’m too young for this nonsense. I know he loves me he expresses this often I just wish he would talk to me more all he seems to care about is his phone and work.

      • RJ April 14, 2015, 6:10 pm

        I completely understand that, my boyfriend is the same way. It gets really frustrating for me because when he’s stressed or upset all I want to do is help, but he won’t talk to me. The only advice I can give is not to push, let him know you’re there for him and you support him. Do something thoughtful, whether it’s a brief, cute message on his phone while he’s at work, or a date. In the end, if you really matter to him he will tell you the things he wants you to know and the things he doesn’t want you to know you have to be ok with. Privacy is a must for relationships which is why trust is also so important

      • april August 21, 2015, 7:36 pm

        I have the same issue

    • mandy August 12, 2015, 6:29 pm

      Hi Sharda
      This guy that I am with has been like this from the beginning and he also has a very bad habit of lying
      Which I do not approve by. If you can’t tell the truth then don’t lie about something and make it feel like it is the truth. I am blunt and honest to the core. I told him from the beginning that I do not approve by this and I don’t like it because I don’t do it. How are you suppose to live with a man who doesn’t even have sex….doesn’t even talk to you or even recognizes you being around him.
      He doesn’t even like to look at me or even hold hands. He likes skinny women and I am a little plump
      I had a major accident and fractured both of my ankles…with that saying I gained weight and then I lost it all….I found a job and I fell again and hurt my knees very much that it is hard to bend them and even put weight on them…again I gained weight. Now he looks at women who only have heavy breasts and slim figures. It makes me feel like I am a piece of garbage.
      He has made me feel so ugly and so disgusting that I have lost all of my self esteem.
      I am re-thinking again…what should I do and what shouldn’t I do.

      • Jen August 18, 2015, 2:29 pm

        Hi Mandy,

        I’ve never even visited this website before but your comment moved me, and I wanted to make a comment as well.

        I just want to say: you deserve so much better!! A romantic relationship is built on communication, affection and trust – and if your guy decides to lie to you when he finally talks, that’s not a good sign at all.

        As for him looking at other women and not wanting to be intimate, that’s also unacceptable. I don’t even know you, but there is someone out there for every woman who will treasure the ground they walk and worship their entire being! And if he is not that man, he is just wasting your time (and his own as well). Sure, no relationship is perfect and it’s impossible to feel 100 % loving towards each other every minute of the day, but you DESERVE way more than you’re getting.

        Since he has been this way since the beginning of your relationship, ask yourself this: do you think he can change? Do you think he is WILLING to change? Is it worth the effort, to both of you? Can you forgive him for the way he’s treated you in the past?

        One thing that helps me is to ask myself “If I ended up spending my entire life with this person, would I regret it? Would I feel resentment because I could’ve gotten more out of life if I was with someone else?” (because let’s face it: when you’re in a relationship you’re either going to spend the rest of your life together, or break up at some point).

        My advice is take one long, hard look if he even deserves a second chance from you.

        I wish you all the best.

  • MARIE April 23, 2015, 3:16 pm

    This article is a life saver for me…I so needed that today! Thank you so much, I will put these advice in practice ASAP!

    • Mandy November 28, 2015, 2:38 pm

      @Jen……Thank you for your wonderful kind words.
      Made me feel like I am actually not abnormal and not complaining or whining but actual do make sense in what I am feeling.
      Jen thanks a million…I wish there were many many many Jen’s like you out there for all of us to make us feel who and what we all are deserving to.
      Loves and hugs to you my dear friend.
      We are all unknown to each other but still are going through the same not exactly same ordeal but still are there for each other to hear each other out.
      I am so thankful to all you ladies who read my comments and advice me to think I am not a worthless human being like this man says I am.
      Hugs and blessings to you Jen.

      • Jen August 28, 2016, 2:54 pm

        Hi Mandy,

        Here’s another Jen. While I read your comments, it felt like i wrote it myself. My husband doesn’t communicate and sticks with his phone all day when he’s home. When I was about 6 months pregnant, we stopped sleeping together in our bed. Most times, we doze off on the couch in the living room while watching a movie. But as my belly got bigger, it became uncomfortable and I had to sleep in our bed. I talked to him about us sleeping together in one bed and he always gave the excuse that he wakes up earlier when he sleeps on the couch as the bed is too soft for him!
        We have a baby now and things gets worse, he doesn’t want me to question his female callers. He keeps claiming he can never cheat on me but he keeps giving me a reason to doubt him. an example is sms from 2 ladies telling him how much they miss him. He apologised that they were just silly exchange of messages.(these ladies were far from us)

        Also while i was close to delivery, he wanted to leave me at the hospital to travel back to another continent (our original home) for his father’s burial. My condition was bad and we had no family in the new country to bring me change of clothing and cooked meals. Although my doctor said i’ll be ok and well taken care of but who leaves their wives when their first born child are due to be born.

        Sometimes he brings me close, and expresses his love (in his own shy way) for me. Other times he doesn’t even want to make eye contact while i speak to him, especially when he’s with his phone.

        He takes care of baby and I and also helps with the house chores when he can. We don’t lack and he also wants to fund my education further. Right now, confusion is my middle name. But i know most marriages have seen worse and praying for the best.

  • Beth May 3, 2015, 11:39 pm

    My boyfriend started out not communicating and it’s getting increasingly difficult to be with because we are planning on moving in together next month. I’m trying to discuss plans and while he says he wants to move in he makes little plans in financial stuff or anything else. I use to like demand attention so we could do a little talking but recently I’m trying to have him come around to it. It’s only getting worse but im not gonna make him talk to me. He hopes things will be fixed when we move in but unless I make him pay attention at our new place nothing is going to get fixed, right? I starting to think moving in is a bad idea….

    • Nat May 4, 2015, 8:17 am

      Hi Beth
      Hopefully you read the post & a lot of the comments on here, and noticed things don’t get better. We just learn to deal with it. If I saw this site when I first met my BF maybe I wouldn’t be on this site… But I hope things work out for you. And sad to say you don’t make the same mistakes I/we did.

  • sanchitha May 4, 2015, 1:04 am

    Before marriage my husband used to talk a lot and he used to respond to me but after marriage he has totally shut down, he never talks to me never responds never even listen to me. I feel so lonely and ignored. He talks to his relatives so nicely but when it comes to me he just avoides eye contact and moves away from me why is tat? Why is he doing this to me. Our marriage is just 1 and half year old

  • Nat May 4, 2015, 8:21 am

    I wonder if my husband knew I found a support group aka this website if he would make efforts.
    A family member on my husband said will be having a very big wedding this month. I’m thinking of not going, because I see how he can be with people and it just makes me so mad. Why can’t he be like this with me. Why can’t he make me laugh and make me feel good about myself and this relationship.
    I don’t want to fight therefore I think I will not go to save myself the stress and sadness of being at this wedding.

    • Bree July 17, 2015, 8:42 am

      Hey Nat,

      I think you should go to the wedding. You should also start making notes about his behaviors, maybe even start writing your feelings in a journal. I just relate so much with what you wrote that I wanted to respond…I’ve recently left my husband and have moved back to our home town. He is now here visiting his family and trying to win me back, but because I kept a journal and so easily remember how awful he used to make me feel I am able to resist what I think is fake or non lasting behaviors from him. I also wanted to say that I told my husband many times that I found this website, I even read him out loud my first comment telling my situation and yet the only thing that “woke him up” was me packing my stuff and leaving….not saying that’s what you need to do but maybe he just needs something shocking to realize how sad you are in your marriage. I wish you all the best.

      • Nat July 17, 2015, 11:20 am

        Hi Bree
        I did not go to the wedding, we were fighting and fighting and my half brother’s mother dead and our dad wanted me to support my brother. So I went to the funeral rather than the wedding. And my husband took the kids out of town for the wedding. It’s safe to say it was a wake up call for him. He mentioned that everyone was asking where i was. He actually had the deal with the kids on his on and etc. things have been better. We don’t have great long conversation and we still have fights here and there. But things are a lot better. Not perfect or great.

  • Nancy May 17, 2015, 12:00 am

    Glad i’m not the only one suffering from quiet guy syndrome…
    I’ve been with my partner 6 years. We are both 33 & have 2 amazing boys (3 yr & 10 week old)
    Things were great between us before the kids but since then, things have gone down hill.
    Our sex life is practically zero. Talking to him is like talking to the wall, and when he talks, it’s usually lackluster. I’m a stay at home mom and he’s the one away at work but it’s me who has to wear the pants.. I take the lead, offer suggestions, solve problems, pretty much do everything! Half the time i even tell him how to parent! We could drive for hours with few things to talk about or half the time i get tired of hearing myself talk or I’m begging him to say something!
    If it wasn’t for the kids i’d be gone.
    Yes, i’m with him because I don’t want to break our little family. I don’t want to upset my 3 yr old but so frustrated this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life!? I often have thoughts of what it would be like to be with someone else just because i feel so deprived and alone. I often wonder how i got myself into this and why couldn’t I have known better before having kids with him. I often compare us to other couples and envy their relationships. We look like the perfect couple but no one knows the truth behind closed doors. I’m so torn because He is a kind hearted person with great morals and loves me & the kids but so introvert I don’t know how long i can go with this constant feeling. I look forward to the thought of him coming home from work and when he gets home, he just reminds me of the silence. I sometimes wonder if i have post pardum blues but i come back to the same thing-I wouldn’t feel this way if i actually felt his presence.
    Not to mention, i’ve felt this way before i got prego with number 2. Just figured it was something i could get over OR he’d somehow change. He has made an attempt to be more extrovert but its so temporary, i’ve tried but i know i cant change who he is.

    • Sabina October 13, 2015, 12:45 am

      Just like my husband. WOW! I’m glad that we don’t have kids together . Never felt like having kids with him. One day I will leave, and this day is just around the corner. Thank you for your comment. It gave me so much motivation and courage . U r right he will never change. And all little improvements r just temporary.

  • DeCaf May 22, 2015, 4:14 pm

    We have been married and any conversation between husband and I are grunts, moans, yep, nope. He never talks to me. We don’t even associate with each other. He lives out in his garage and I live in the house and it has been this way ever since we were married.

  • Kelly June 13, 2015, 9:53 pm

    I’m sad to be writing here. Can’t believe my marriage has turned into this. Wasn’t like this until kids. We have a 4 year old and 11 month old. We’ve been together for 7 years. We have now moved 3 times. Thought this last move was going to really help. But still he is soooo distant. Everything I say either gets a one word response or rolled eyes. I really want what we used to have back!!

    • liz June 13, 2015, 11:09 pm

      Tell him how unhappy you are. Tell him what you wrote in this post. Maybe he doesn’t know how you feel. If he doesn’t seem to care, then maybe you should tell him you cant live like this anymore and you are leaving. Some men need a shock…because there are several who think their wives and partners will never do it and cant live without them. Maybe he is dealing with something else? either way, something has to get moving to improve things otherwise you will become even more miserable and resent him to the point of no return. Sometimes we have to find the courage to just act on our laurels and show our men that we are worth much more than this silent and emotional abuse.
      Be strong and be happy. Ive been there…and the only thing I could do was leave. We are back together now and he is so much better and so is our marriage.

  • Bree June 13, 2015, 10:56 pm

    Hi ladies I’m writing again here to give an update. I commented many months ago and have received emails about when others post and reading your comments has helped me so much. I ended up finally telling my husband I am leaving, quit my job and made plans to go back to my home state. It took all of that for my husband to wake up and realize how awful he has been and that things needed to change. Well too late because I’ve left anyway and am so happy! Its been years since I woke up refreshed and excited for my day to begin! For now we are separated, I’m not closing the door on him completely but I am enjoying myself and finding myself again after 5 years of a lifeless, nonconversational, draining marriage! I hope everyone on this page can find happiness, that’s my drive in life and being with someone who is incapable of normal interaction just isn’t it!!

    • Liz June 13, 2015, 11:17 pm


  • Silent equals rude June 17, 2015, 8:04 am

    Leave him. I have no patience with people who won’t talk. It’s rude and its unacceptable. Leave him and let him be the lonely one for a change.

  • dianna brownridge June 22, 2015, 4:29 pm

    I have the same problem. My husband and I have been married 15 yrs. He’s never been a talker and I fell in love with him despite this. But after so long I am feeling lonely. He doesn’t even respond to a simple conversation starter such as, me telling him about the kids or what happened that day. I have accepted his silence, but enough is enough. He maybe says 5 words to me in a week. I am worried I will start looking for conversation in others and fear could lead to seeking others for emotional support. I do not want my marriage to end because he can’t provide conversation. Thats silly and I definitely do not want to have an affair just because I’m feeling lonely. I know he can talk because whenever I express my concern about finding a companion who pays attention to me, he will put forth the effort for that day. Although he goes back to silence the next day. I am feeling like I am not important to him because he’s not even acknowledge me when I do say something to him. Our relationship is good in every other aspect and often feel like I am being a spoiled brat wanting it all. But am tired of feeling alone when he is right next to me. Any advise?

    • Yvonne July 26, 2015, 10:15 pm

      I know exactly how you feel how do you deal with it I’m having the same feelings that’s horrible and it hurts I am so alone or least I feel I’m so alone and he’s right there

      • Dorothy January 6, 2016, 5:54 am

        You are correct on this I made a mistake last month going to my husband brother wedding. It seems as if I was lost. And didn’t have a friend in the world.

      • Nedu June 19, 2016, 12:57 pm

        My dear i understand how you feel. I feel the same. Infact if you are not strong this husband life of not talking can lead you to another man. It is really bad leaving in a home with a man that hardly talks. You can discuss freely Maybe during sex, after that you are on your own. It’s terrible. A husband that will not tell his wife i love you, you put on a cloth he does not say anything instead you receive appreciation from outside, he hardly smiles, always looking serious… Haba i feel like breaking up

  • TT So Sad July 4, 2015, 4:46 pm

    Well, i’m so glad I found this site, I have only been married a month and I am already feeling this way. My partner does not talk to me at all. I mean sure of course the standard, how was ur day and I love you text…but when it comes to talking about emotional or just things that are important ..there is a total shut down on their part. No matter what the conversation is I get nothing….We courted online for months with non stop phone and text conversation, but once we moved in together it all stopped. I was feeling very sad and alone that the emotional ties just fizzled…and like most of you im sure this person loves me but just doesn’t know how to communicate or feels cornered each time I want to talk. I don’t want to leave because im very in love I just feel like maybe I married a stranger and really don’t know what ive gotten into… Every night its a one sided argument about no communication. Im really in need of some help with this one but it does feel good to know im not alone, and not just being a jerk cause lord knows I don’t want to run them off…I just want to get things on track…Signed sad and confused.!!!

    • Yvonne July 26, 2015, 10:18 pm

      Your story is a lot like mine have you tried sending him down to talk to him I’ve been married for only two years and during our courtship we talk for hours about everything seriously everything now I don’t know how to talk to him I love him so much I feel like the silent treatment is going to hurt us. I told him how I feel this is the second time since we’ve been married that he’s done this tomorrow will be day 3. I feel like that’s not OK but I don’t know if I’m wrong or not he’s doing it to punish me I know it but its slowly chipping away at me because I don’t know how to cope with it

  • Tyra July 8, 2015, 2:26 am

    I have been married 1 and a half years now. My husband is loving, kind, affectionate; however, he never talks. When I try to talk to him, he is either texting or playing on his iPad. We never have conversations, and sometimes dinner together is a completely silent one hour aside from the obligatory comment about the food being good or bad. I love talking. I love having stimulating conversation, and use conversation as a method of connecting with others. My ex and I used to talk about everything and anything, we used to have such interesting conversations that servers in restaurants would ask us how we kept the relationship and communication alive even after ten years. I stayed with him eventhough he was an awfully selfish man who treated me appallingly because I felt so emotionally connected to him. Now with my lovely, kind husband I live in silence. I feel disconnected and our sex life is suffering as a result. How can I connect physically, when is don’t connect on any other other level with him?
    My solution? Self preservation. I used to go crazy starting conversations all the time, getting upset, telling him and explaining that I need more from him. They were unsuccessful techniques and only made me even more upset upon failing to engage him. So I have shut off. Why talk to him when I get nothing back? What’s the point? The worse thing is?! He seems happier that I have shut off and stopped talking completely.

  • Michelle July 9, 2015, 5:29 pm

    I could relate to a lot of what was said. I’m sorry to make this so long, but if anyone reads to the end…please give a little feedback on this…

    My boyfriend and have been together for a year and a half, and this is my first serious relationship.
    We met online and there was a lot of flirtatious talk, but it was just fun for me. he had just got out of a relationship and i was just figuring out what i wanted in terms of sex and relationships, but he kept insisting that we meet in real life so I finally agreed (we did not know what each other looked like before this).

    He was not my type physically and I wasn’t really attracted to him, and I made it clear I didn’t want a relationship. We started having a purely sexual relationship but texted each other every day. 3 months in and he wanted a relationship and continued to bring it up. I was the first one to say I Love you because i did care about him, and I felt I should try not to be so shallow about who I gave myself to.

    Fast forward to a year later, I moved to another country to study full-time and I also began working 30 hrs a week. I had less and less interest in being in a relationship, especially long distance and just felt like I wanted a break. He thought I was breaking up with him, started crying on the phone and eventually I gave in to him. But I kept pulling away and any free time I got, I spent on the computer, or reading. I should add that his childhood, his family, his current job, and past relationships seem to all contribute to him being very pessimistic, which I noticed more and more so I didn’t want to talk to him.

    I wanted to break up with him, I started thinking…I’m so young, he’s not even my type, do I even want to marry him eventually, I have no time to be in a relationship and go to school and work.
    3 months of feeling like this, and I made a really horrible decision…I cheated with someone I’d been talking to. he took it really hard, but didn’t break it off and wanted to work things out. I half wanted him to end it so I could be free, but I also felt bad for feeling that way and for cheating and then being the one to end it, so I said I would do better and apologised every day.

    Now to present-day, and we are having communication issues. He has never been much of an in-depth talker unless it’s something he’s very interested in, which isn’t much. His most common response is “ok” which drives me crazy. Recently he has started not responding when I share links or music with him. when I prod further, he says it’s because he didn’t find it interesting or surprising. Today he admitted he thinks I talk too much, and go on and on about things he doesn’t like. I understand that, but he doesn’t have any suggestions about what we can talk about instead…i find it strange because he always says “I just want to talk to you”.

    I send voice notes, but today he also admitted he finds them to be a waste of time and that mine are too long (3 to 8 mins), and that I should keep it under a minute. I feel like breaking up with him again, but I asked him to speak to his counselor or a close friend about what we are going through.

    PLEASE, any feedback would be really appreciated….

    • Natty July 9, 2015, 6:06 pm

      I wonder why you are asking yourself this. Break up with him!!! You don’t seem to like him. And he is starting to not like you. Seem cut & clear to me. What will you be missing out on by not staying with him. Most people are not fortunate of being alone, so you will find someone else… He will too!

    • Angela January 2, 2016, 10:41 am


      I almost feel like we have very similar stories.
      I too started talking to my current guy , purely based off of fun and nothing serious. From day one I wasn’t that interested, never was my type, I thought he was the “asshole” kind of guy and I don’t go for those kinds. I never was really attracted to him either.

      It just happened one day after hanging out as friends that I noticed feelings to develop. Of course I didn’t want anything serious because I’m young and I didn’t want a relationship at the time.

      He made it clear he wanted me to be his girlfriend or we needed to cut off whatever we had going on. So after a little thought I decided to give it a chance. Well a year plus later I have been working at it with him. It’s been a hard road. We both are competitive people so I feel part of us doesn’t like the idea of throwing in the towel.
      I know the love is there, or at least was. But I find myself unhappy and wanting more.
      I’ll explain why:

      I’m an extrovert. I love people, I like to try new things , I’m open for whatever, I could find something fun in anything! Oh, I’m a talker and very emotional and expressive.

      He is quiet, barely smiles (but doesn’t mean he’s not happy) I have to pull his teeth just to get him to take a walk with me. Making plans has always been a nightmare because he always says “he doesn’t have a plan ” and he’s either here nor there when it comes to showing interest in things I would like.

      He’s routine. Friends, beer, work, and sports. Anything else I have to take the wheel on.
      Mind you I don’t care to be the leader but every now and then I want my man to take the wheel.
      He seems to talk a lot when it’s about himself or work. When we have a problem he always says I can talk to him and he’ll listen, but otherwise he has nothing to say.

      Our last talk was how I wanted him to make more of an effort to show emotion around my family. He told me he shouldn’t have to come talk to them , they should make an effort for him.
      I realized this isn’t just a quiet person.
      He has his moments or I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him.
      He is selfish, and wants a voiceless quiet girl that accepts him for everything an puts up with everything without saying how she feels.

      Over the course of our relationship I have loved him at his lowest and highest. I seem to get the worst version of himself because he is always “stressed” that’s an excuse. When I am upset about something he thinks I’m being a brat and I just want attention.

      He thinks he’s high and mighty and that everybody else thinks he’s great and I just complain.

      He too would erase a long text message , not listen to a voicemail , or message I sent him if it was too long.

      Michelle, I don’t know all the details about your relationship, but it sounds very similar. I did not cheat, but I will say from day one you had your reservations and so did I. Year plus later it’s the same stuff that bothers me and he doesn’t seem to value my feelings.

      Time to move on.
      Life is to short, if your gut says your not happy your not.

      I don’t like giving up, but looking back you can say you tried and it just didn’t work.

      Good luck! You can be happy without him. :-)
      Find someone who fits your personality better, and he who will miss out on how great you are. Don’t let a man clip your wings ~

    • Carolyn January 9, 2016, 9:19 am

      You are young with a lifetime ahead of you, so my most important words to you are…. You are only responsible for your happiess, not his..
      Another words, do yourself a favor and him a favor and cut ties. Of course he wont see it as a favor at the moment, but eventually he will move on and find that relationship he is looking for… You will have what you need! You can’t be with someone and sacrifice your happiness at such a young age because he becomes overly emotional about the relationship coming to an end. He will eventually heal in time.
      I spent 12 years in a relationship, mainly for our young children, but also because even tho I was so unhappy and so miserably lonely, he threaten me with the “I can’t live without you, so I’ll kill myself” or him crying and annoyingly begging us to work on things when no more than a few months later I was feeling the same as I had previously…. It took me 12 years to finally figure out that he can’t do this to me! Did I want him to cry or go and harm himself? No, of course not, but that’s not on me, that is on him! He is responsible for his actions, as I am responsible for my actions only. So, please learn from someone that has been in your very own shoes… Break it off and go find your happiess!
      Best of luck to you!

      • Fedupwife May 21, 2016, 3:42 pm

        I am in the same situation as many others but a little different, he is completely mute and will only say words to keep his stonewalling going or ignored things that he know will make me walk away so he feels okay to not say anything that requires him to bond with me on a positive level. It’s almost as if he is purposely keeping us as just roommates and me as his nite time blow up doll. I wish I could say he is like this with his friends but he isnt. He talks up a storm to them, while I sit back and watch often he forgets I am there for hours. He has no answer to this. With all this he expects me to cook, ocean do all the work with our daughter, bring in a bit of income to, show up at family gathering in which he fakes like he is emotionally attached to me by holding my hand and that’s all. He has never once said anything nice about me to anyone in my presence but I have, about his cooking, looks..etc. today I talked to him about it being unfair that I got to always do all the talking, sharing everything about me…etc, and what’s on my mind but he doesn’t share anything. He has stopped dating me, everything relationship like. Yet he arranges time out with friends and his brother at least once a month. He is late from work a lot which I suspect he spends time with friends then so I don’t know. He answers his calls away from him so I don’t know about his social life. He is actually trying to convince he is a man with no thoughts or talks to his friends. But what weird is plenty of men know who is and jokes with him when I come around as if they talk as friends not just as work. I often get the feeling he has told his work college he don’t care for me anymore. One said he refuses to talk about u and won’t let u bring u up. Yet he don’t talk to me at all unless I beg. Most he says is casual how was ur day, and he as no more he sad no more. My friends who have been married have experienced concern that he is keeping me to do work he don’t want to do, spend time with his child and take care of his home.

        I now do not like him at all. He had In the past abused me while drunk and did some really foup things, I realize it was all to tell me to shut up and accept how he treats me or else.

        It’s gotten so bad, I am considering just leaving, and staying with a friend til I get my own place, and just have days I see my daughter.

        Ladies the more you accept the emotional and mental abandonment the they think it is okay please get out. My daughter will be going to college in 3 years. I do not plan to be with him til then, i will not be there to deal with his abuse. I know it is going to get worse cause he will be around me more alone. He want to find ways to get rid of me while keeping me in the home to do his dirty work.

        In a few months I probably will not be living with him. I had set a time limit now. If he doesn’t change by the end of summer, I will be packing and leaving before it gets cold. I will be turning 40 this year I refuse to let him waste 17 more years of my life by ignoring me, insulting me when I tell him it ain’t right, and ditching Mr when we out. While excepting a built in slave and nanny and escort.

        I will not be sleeping in the bedroom with him. If he wants me he is going to have go come to me over weeks and prove to me he cares about my feelings and sorry for his abuse. He has abused me in every way and made a fool out of me in front of his family.

        Ladies put ur foot down. Today when he tried the old “I ain’t trying to fight” when all I did was try to tell him that it is not nice to ignore me, or share nothing about his dad or treat me like I’m his wife like date me…etc”

        I said I’m done with u shutting down at the moment I try to get u to show me care. I walked away. I told him last week if he continued I was no longer joining him marriage bed. He has made a move on my in many years.

        Ladies here is a shocker u may not know. Some people will keep u around just to feel like someone is there, it doesn’t mean they actually WANT U THERE. some people will keep u around for a reason and it doesn’t mean love or care. If your man is not making an effort to share himself mentally….etc, then u r being kept around for a reason other than care. Because he is talking to someone, even famous writers had a friend stashed away someone they spoke to about what was on their mind. U can bet he does. He just keeping it from u or u just don’t notice. Don’t think cause he works he doesnt. Those hours coming late after work, is not always working. He could he throwing back a beer with a guy friend, getting all his emotional love from them then coming home to u empty l, nothing left inside him to give to u. I found out my husband was doing that. When someone said they saw him places. Trust no one’s research but ur own. There is a reason why he is not speaking to u really and don’t go far that he is just the quiet type. People choose to be quiet most times and there is a reason why he is during your time with him.

        I know I ain’t taking it no more. 17 years is long enough. I wish u all the best.

  • Liz July 9, 2015, 8:16 pm

    Yes. I agree with the above post. End it. I don’t understand why you stayed when you didn’t want to anyway? On top of that, you don’t really see too many positive traits in him. Just cut all ties and go on with your life.

  • Angie July 11, 2015, 2:55 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and we live together. I have the same problems with communication. When we first met (online) he was very talkative and we spent hours on the phone and he would do most of the talking. When we finally met in person after 8 months he was a bit shy and far less talkative. Now after almost a year of being together I am growing really impatient of him not really talking to me. I talked to him about it many times and I told him that I feel alone most of the time even when he is around. He says that he will try to fix it, but nothing really changes. We do go out on the weekends and visit family all of the time, but he is always quiet and everyone always thinks he’s mad.

    I am widowed and have a 7 year old from my late husband and I don’t think that I am in a place where I can be bringing men in and out of my life. We are both young (24) and sometimes I feel like maybe we just jumped into it too quickly. I really want to make this work , but lately I’he been feeling like I made a mistake and I don’t want to keep wasting time if things are not going to change.

  • fran mirren July 24, 2015, 2:49 pm

    Easy answer to the title “What to do when your man doesn’t talk?”

  • Yvonne July 26, 2015, 10:13 pm

    We’re going on day two of his silent treatment he’s done this once before I told him how it made me feel now he’s doing it again. I’ve been married 2 years our communication sucks. I’m a communicator I like to resolve issues and go about our day. He usually doesn’t have a problem doing that also but for some reason because I’ve wasted my opinion in a tone he didn’t like I’m getting the silent treatment again. I feel really alone and it’s starting to question trust with him. I don’t know how to cope with the silent treatment I’ve been on Google reading websites about silent treatment for the past two days I keep thinking if this is the way he is and this is what he needs maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way I don’t know but in the meantime it’s chipping away at me

  • Charity July 27, 2015, 10:22 am

    Does not work. I have tried all of these things and he just doesn’t care. You are there to deal with his shit and then he will not try. Just divorce him. Take it from 9 years and not one change.

  • Yvonne July 27, 2015, 11:18 am

    Day 3 I couldn’t take it I text you and I hope you have a good day I love you this morning I got a text saying I love you. There’s damage there though I don’t trust him

    • EuGene July 27, 2015, 12:02 pm

      Yvonne, what are you expecting to happen? Something you saw in a movie, him come to you and apologize and says something romantic and makes you a promise??? I hope I’m not coming off to rude however but wake up, it sounds like you need to work on a few things about yourself.
      I also don’t see the connection with his silent treatment and you not trusting him, provide more information.
      From what I can tell from what you said is that you offended him and he wants to show you what not talking is like. Try and understand his point of view and express yourself from his stand point, or just say: “I will work with you on what is bothering me”. Even though that is a selfish statement, it’s true. The both of y’all need to work together to help you cope/deal etc.

  • Yvonne July 27, 2015, 1:10 pm

    @Eugene.. you know what you’re absolutely right and I think I really needed to hear that I was looking for somebody to soothe my ego and definitely was not expecting him to chase me he’s not that bad and Im not that girl. I’m assuming that you’re a guy maybe you can give me some advice how do I get my husband to stopgiving me the silent treatment I don’t know how to approach him

  • Kay August 2, 2015, 8:24 am

    This has been a long time problem between me and my husband. And whenever I feel alone, I try to find the answer online as to why he is not a conversive person if it’s normal and what should I do. Usually, in the blogs they will say you just have to accept it. But I haven’t and I think I won’t be able to do so.

    Naturally, women love to talk and to listen as well. But my husband just keeps whatever he thinks by himself. I really don’t know why. We’ve been married for 6 years now. And would you believe, we dont celebrate anniversaries. We don’t greet happy anniv to each other. We dont say “i love you” in person. We only do that in messages when were not together (like he’s out of the country). I barely say “i miss you” even if i feel so while he doesn’t say I miss you at all. I am really a showy person but as years gone by, it started to feel awkward. Like its better to not show what i really feel for him coz our relationship will just look like one sided.

    In all fairness, he’s a very good guy. He’s responsible, he understands me being an extrovert, he loves our kids (we have 2), we don’t have any problems. But like you all guys, I feel so lonely and alone being at this kind of relationship. I can’t help but think of my ex’s. In my previous relationships, guys I dated are so vocal about their feelings and we can talk anything under the sun at anytime. And I can talk to them any topic I’d like to open, they’re like my bestfriend. And I am really wondering how I ended up with this kind of guy.

    I tried talking it out with him but he just shut me out. It even came to a point where I have to ask him to drink with me so that we can easily say how we feel when were tipsy but he ended up sleeping early after some drinks. I also tried asking him if he thinks I am attractive to him but he said what kind of question is that. What the fuck. I am taking care of myself for him but I dont get any appreciation. He is actually more comfortable in pointing out my flaws rather than my positive traits. It just really sucks.

    Like I said, ive been looking for an answer as to why and how a guy can be so limited about what they feel or think bout anything. Still, I couldn’t find the answer. And i remain in misery. :(

  • Amy August 22, 2015, 11:44 pm

    Hi ladies, wow I read all of your concerns and i don’t feel so alone in the world. Ive been with my bf for 3 and a half yrs and its been rocky since day one. Weve broken up so many times we should be in the book of world records. It seems like I’m always talking to a wall. I speak and he says nothing or thinks I’m trying to start something with him when that’s not the truth. All he does is watch tv and sleeps. We don’t go out ever! We don’t hang out with anyone and its very depressing. I moved 2500 miles away from my friends and family for him and now I’m just totally miserable and depressed. I love him so much and do so much for him but dont feel appreciated or respected at all. I tell him I’m going to leave and find someone else and then he will say please dont leave me i cant live without you, so I stay and next day back to old self. We don’t have sex anymore barely and when we do its for his few minutes of pleasure and then im left laying there like an idiot and thrown a towel at. I want to be happy with him and have tried everything to save us but idk what to do. I cook, clean, make his lunch, laundry. Im the ultimate women, but just feel so sad and alone. Some nights things are good, then next day hes back to his same crap. I cherish the good nights cause idk how long im going to get that attention. Then he flips a switch. Should I just leave him? I leave and then cant be without him. Hes the same way. Then we get back together and in the same rut.

    • Natty August 23, 2015, 8:17 am

      YES, you should leave. He will find another fool to take care of him. And not to mean about it, you are a fool. Also I do not see the reason to tell him you are going to leave him for someone else, you need to be leaving him for yourself. From everything you have shared; I see no reason why you should stay with him.
      Do you feel responsible for him? Maybe you been there for him for to long he is unable to do anything on his own, including talking.
      Please get out, you don’t have kids. You aren’t married. So please put yourself first and the man you will be ending up with; the man that will value you and treat you with love and support.

  • mara August 24, 2015, 3:45 am

    Hey ladies, Thank you for sharing it really helps to know that u r not alone.
    I’ve been married for 7 years no kids , mu husband is such an amazing guy so tender and he is good to me, my problem started with him not sharing and talking since day one i knew he can’t share much but i thought that maybe that will be changed after marriage, unfortunately it got worse, i am so expressive i like to talk about feeling and stuff and i begged him a million time to talk back but he never did , he now thinks that am so needy and pushy, we spent a year apart due to work reasons, i think that was our turning point, he s a changed man, i talked to him a lot, told him how lonely and neglected i feel, he always said that am being over dramatic, i know he loves me but am sure its not like before its more like he got used to living with me he is taking me for granted i am sure, lately i asked him for divorce coz i couldn’t do this anymore i lost all my energy trying and he didn’t even put up a fight to it he was like “whatever makes u happy , i ll do!!” i was shocked we r still together but am going crazy ,don’t know what to do :( is divorce the right thing to do?

    • Kimberly October 30, 2015, 10:56 am

      I’m going through the same exact thing, not to mention he lost his job 3 mo. Ago and lately I have been mentally going crazy!!! When any man doesn’t put up a fight or show some kind of interest in you, why are we asking ourselves of are self worth because these fools don’t have a clue of husbands loving themself first!! You don’t wake up and have love in you it is a nurtured spirit from birth. I have been begging my husband to love me and support me and be there. Epic fail!!! He barley knows we exist! He spends so much time with music and his fantasy football… See I know separatetion is better for us because he believes nothing is wrong with him and it’s my fault I knew how he was! It will only get worse as time progress!! Like they are quick to say “Do What’s Best For U!!! We have no sex and my husband admits he love pornagraphy and he lust after other women!!! I refuse to compete with that!!! I know it’s the end it’s just finances and convience of having only one car? If these were not a problem I would have been gone!

    • mandy November 28, 2015, 1:28 pm

      @Mara….we should never have to beg to these low life assholes….please excuse my loving french but seriously and honestly I am getting very pissed off hearing this from many many of my women friends who are getting hurtful handful feelings from these low life creatures. Just because of their 3 1/2 half leg between there leg they think there all that and they (men) think we can’t live without that or them…show them who you really are..!!!
      I always tell women outside of the computer that never ever let your weakness be shown to them or tell them…or they will take that weakness and shove it back into your face and make you feel degraded and worthless. Which I know for a fact you are not like this…cause if you were…you would never ever be begging for mercy in front of this jerk. You are MUCH MORE WORTHY OF HIM…say this to yourself everyday and show him you don’t care. But it is your choice at the end of the day…if I divorce him..will I have the will power to stand on my two feet..and make sure for sure…you must tell yourself I CAN DO IT..!!!
      You did it when you got married to him…why can’t you do anything NOW.???
      I am here for any of you ladies who honestly are going through this type of nonsense…the only reason I call it nonsense is because these men are that and just that.
      These men have a dirty mind to think of other women but not a mind or eyes for their own women.
      They love drooling on other ladies and when my idiot does this…I begin to hate those woman.
      I just hate those type of woman who love to destroy others house for their own lust or love for the other men who are not their own.
      Have some heart for us women and leave our men alone.
      But for those who are going through what me and Mara are going through…it hurts me but at the same time….irritates me and pisses me off. WHY WHY WHY…????
      Hang in there sister…you are not alone…we are all with you..!!!
      God bless you

  • Wendy October 23, 2015, 10:38 am

    My husband and I have been married for 24 yrs and about 8 yrs ago he started giving me the silent treatment if I don’t want sex and sleeps in a different bed from me so far this last episode is going into the 8 the week now, the only time he speaks to me is if needs to ask me anything and even then it’s a cold shoulder answer. The worst thing is we have split up a couple of times on his request and he’s got with someone else within weeks of us splitting but then comes back with his tail between his legs. So with all that previous relationship trouble he makes me feel so lonely and paranoid and constantly tells me I’m not normal, at the moment I’m staying with my mum to take time out to think. If there is someone else out there who’s going through the same stuff I would value some advice.

    • Alli November 8, 2015, 9:40 pm

      I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and he has many friends and sometimes I feel that he excludes from his life and that I’m not there. I know he doesn’t mean to but, I just need some advice.

    • Janice December 22, 2015, 2:07 pm

      I have been married for 38 years and have gotten the silent treatment longer than that. I stopped having sex with my husband because he would not communicate with me at almost any level. Even when I wanted to talk about the kids he would never answer me back. I still feel so alone. Communication is the most important key in a relationship because without it a person doesn’t feel romantic toward their mate or won’t want to share anything with them.

  • Louise November 9, 2015, 3:37 pm

    Starving to hear a adult conversation I need to get out of the house and hear a voice

  • axis November 18, 2015, 5:01 am

    Hi, had a huge fight with my husband.. we’re in an LDR.. its just so hard coz we haven’t seen each other for 3 years already.. suddenly he blocked me and we haven’t been speaking for 3 weeks already.. it’s like i’m losing my mind.. i even don’t know if we’re still husband and wife.. all i want right now is a closure.. i just can’t believe that he can’t give me that..

    • Jane November 18, 2015, 12:55 pm

      I am in a LDR as well, but he comes home once a month. How is it, that you have not been able to see each other for 3 years. And has he blocked you on his phone? If so, that has to be the most immature and disrespectful thing a husband can do to his spouse. We all argue, but we at least keep each other in acknowledgement. You are not some commodity to be shut off like that. I would change my number and let him stew. If he tries to make an effort to contact you some way, you at least know he cares, but to let you be silent for 3 weeks is completely unacceptable! If he makes no contact, then it seems obvious he wants out. Get a divorce and get on with your life without him. You have been alone for 3 years anyway. You are worth MUCH more than this.

    • Mandy November 28, 2015, 12:52 pm

      Just kick him where it counts my dear…..!!!!
      I can’t bare to understand or hear men treat their wives like this….or in anyways to hurt her.
      Mine don’t talk to me either….this asshole hasn’t even touched me for the last 4 months and hasn’t had sex and I wonder wtf am I doing here. I am at the end of my rope and basically leave this bastard and see how it feels. These men think we don’t have the guts to move on our own or basically move out. They think we can’t do anything without them…and also they feel we can’t become anything without them.
      I say my FOOT..!!!!
      I seriously think treat them the way they treat us….show them your going out and don’t answer their phone calls.
      I once did this to this asshole. He dropped me off at the salon and I got out and was looking for him and found out he had left which I didn’t know….so I thought OK…might as well leave and take a walk home…and didn’t tell him that I walked home. After one hour he calls me and finding out where am I and I didn’t answer him or take his call…That’s because I went to the landlords house and sat there for about 2 hours and he was just calling and calling. I got home and he was shouting and showing me as if he was worried and said I went there and drove around looking for you….where were you..???
      I said check mate asshole…if you can just drop me off and think you can do whatever you feel like….then why can’t I.
      He was shocked but trust me…I felt so proud of myself that I gave you the same taste of medicine that you left for me to taste.
      Just give him what he gives you…and see what he feels like at the end of the day.
      At once these men were in love with us until something hits them and they start to change overnight. What is that we women can’t do what these jerks can do….EVERYTHING AND MORE..!!!!
      We can make mountains move and the earth crack if we want to…but we can also melt a a candle without even touching or looking at. We women are the strength to these men and if we can make a house then we can also break one. We women just need to be positive and think very hard and be wise to our choices….REMEMBER…we are a mother to our kids and a daughter to those parents who brought us into this world.
      Hugs and extra love to you all readers.

  • bekah November 28, 2015, 12:58 am

    I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s happened in my marriage at all…I’ve been with my husband for 15 yrs and he was the sweetest most attentive husband ever, he was very shy to people he doesn’t know. I’m a social butterfly, no problem talking to people at all and or communicating what I need. Well ….everything was good til June 2015, seemed he basicly snapped. See I’ve always wore the pants in the realtionship.which he said he was fine with which basicly means I pay our bills or make payment arrangments and plan monthly stuff for us to do. So June 2015 comes and we have a fight and it’s pretty bad..we have never had a fight like this. Well its now November and we have had 40 fights.. he works alot of hours. 12 hr shifts as a nurse and does extra shifts all the time. In our fights he calls me names. He has called me a dumb bitch, psycho, to needy, drama queen, tells me to shut the fuck up, my voice is annoying, i should find a hobbie, also that I am jealous of of his friends that’s why he doesn’t have that many?? Whatever. Now from my side im asking him what’s wrong, is it me?, what happened since June? be honest!!! He says he is tired of being pushed around….yum okay I dont push him around i just try to talk to him about bills…seriously in not perfect but I do keep our dogs perfect and our home spotless and cook dinner.and I work a full time job I ‘love being a wife but I’m starting to think my husband doesnt care a bit. I’ve tried repeatedly telling him let’s talk maturely and sit down. He gets so defensive about every little thing. Which in turns makes me so mad. I know for a fact he isn’t having an affair. I mean Is it me wanting to talk so bad about our relationship and how I need more attention and stop stonewalling me on everything. Once I say it he feels cornered I guess. He just keeps saying he doesn’t want to fight. I’m telling him w aren’t fighting!!! And it doesn’t matter what the situation is he is not going to take responsibility in his part then the name calling comes out of him to hurt me. I’ve tried so so hard to make this work, make him listen, understand. I just feel he isn’t Intrested in this marriage anymore and it kills me because I love him so much. I mean is it me???? Do I need to stop being so sensitive and just be tuff as hell and act like nothing and sweep our problems under the rug like he does! I mean what the hell is the point of all this and are all men like this?

    • Nat E November 28, 2015, 12:50 pm

      Firstly It’s not okay that he calls you names. And he seem very childish – and he is clearly acting out. However you seem a bit intense like a bit much to handle. He may not be cheating on you, but perhaps he is seeing how other relationships work, and he could want change not a divorce. it’s somewhat unnatural for you to wear the pants in the marriage – u took a male role (according to a lot of religions & cultural), it may have worked for a while, and it could be time for a change, let him take control.
      Stop trying to control him. Stop being so BLAH! Not everything needs to be talked about, cause from what am reading, the money situation is a sensitive subject. Give him space, put it out there he could manager or co-manager the bills.
      That you want to go out on a date and it would be great if he planned it. And don’t get upset cause it’s not a great date.
      Idk if any of this helps. But relax and try and understand what he could be feeling, men in general aren’t the greatest in communication and identifying what’s bothering them. Continue to be great wife n things will eventually get better not back to what wasn’t working.

      • bekah November 28, 2015, 10:15 pm

        Thank you Nat!!!!! Exactly what I needed to hear!!!! Your not the first one to tell me I’m too intense..lol. I’m going to take your advice and back up on things. I’m so glad we have this forum!!!!! I wish I could give everyone a big hug and wish we could all get together…..not to man hate but to get to know each other and all take a little bit of a break from our men! Positive vibes to everyone and stay strong!!!!!

    • CJ June 9, 2016, 12:04 pm

      Hi Bekah
      Sounds like a huge personality change. Get him to a doctor. You may want to rule out a physical cause like a brain tumor.
      It could be he isn’t interested in being married. If you are controlling, obsess and nag; own up to your mistakes to him and pray. God has always helped me in my +39 years to my own quiet man.

  • mandy November 28, 2015, 12:28 pm

    I hear what you ladies are saying….my bf is exactly the same. I pay for the phone bills buy the groceries and pay half or full of the rent….when I ask him for the half…he has this look on his face like REALLY…REALLY. I mean seriously these men think we are bait for them…push us around and call us names and don’t talk to us but expect us to do everything while you idiots go out or sit at home and watch your shitty tv stupid shows.
    I mean seriously we ain’t here to just feed you and make you feel like your our god.
    I wish there was a place where we can feel like woman and not baits for these men. I would love to start a place where I can cook for all those women who like me are going through this whole nonsense ordeal because our men don’t have their damn head on straight on their shoulders.
    I would honestly love to take care of all the women who are having a rough time and seriously have a sit down and just speak what we would like to when we want to and seriously have fun. But be there for those who really need hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am all game for this type of love to give…I am a giver and a healer and a listener. I wish we women were not treated so wrong and taken advantage of. I wish all you ladies a very blessed day and hugs. xoxoxox

  • Arima December 16, 2015, 1:15 pm

    Me n my bf r in a relationship from last 1 n half year. V met on fb through a friend. V just met once yet. Initially everything was gng perfect.. But from last 6 months he is so rude. No time for me. Less talks,nevr picks my call, talks when he wants to only.. I explained my feelings situations many manyyy times ,still no changes, infact every othr day v r getting apart from each other.

  • H January 5, 2016, 12:31 am

    Sounds like you just explained how to train a dog. How about the husband care about learning. Going to counseling himself, reading a book on how to help marriage etc. Been there, tried everything for 30 years. Nothing works unless they give a crap!
    Yes..I’m tired and angry, and you give MORE advice for the Wife to try?
    It will be FAR worse when you ladies are raising teens/young adults virtually alone. You better build a good support system to help you. I didnt and almost lost my mind. Your husband will not change. Better get the support that’s crucial for you.

  • H January 5, 2016, 12:56 am

    I was responding to the “marriage advice” in the very beginning of the thread.

  • Jess January 26, 2016, 10:21 am

    So what is the thing that is wrong with these men?
    Are they just quiet and can’t express their love the way we do?
    More importantly will they ever change?

  • Nikki February 20, 2016, 9:31 pm

    I can’t describe how happy I am to have found this page. I can’t believe I haven’t searched for this before now. I’ve felt so alone and constantly questioning my sanity. I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t want to worry my family. I don’t want to cause any trouble with his. I’m so scared of talking to my friends because I don’t want to tarnish what appears to be so perfect on the outside because it used to be and we’ve always been the strong, healthy couple that my friends look up to. I know how silly and superficial that sounds but since we’re all being so honest… I think like many of you have said, my struggle with myself is that he really is a good man. He works hard, he’s sweet, loving, loyal, makes me feel beautiful, etc etc. We’ve been married for 6 months.. together for 6 years. No kids yet. But I feel such a disconnect. So much so that it’s been affecting our sex life (which is his biggest complaint). I feel no emotional connection to him, which makes it very very hard for me to want to have sex with him. He’s always been on the quiet side but it’s never bothered me this much. I think over time it just built up so much that I now realize how much I need to be able to have an intelligent conversation every so often with my partner. I crave it. I envy it when I see it on TV or in life. I’ve communicated my needs to him numerous times.. I’m not one of those women who expects him to guess lol. I’m very straight forward but he just doesn’t get it. He makes me feel silly and crazy. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. The loneliness I feel is eating away at me. I’m always the one people come to because I love listening and giving advice but I feel like I have no one. I feel like he should be my rock and he’s not. I’ve day dreamed about other men. And it’s so odd to me because it’s not like a man in which I would cheat for sex, I feel like I would cheat for a good, mind blowing conversation. Which is just as bad, I know. But then I always think I just need to suck it up. He’s a great man and maybe I’m just being unreasonable. But then again I don’t feel like I’m asking to much. I want him to ask me genuine questions and not just stare at his phone the whole time I’m talking and maybe give me a one word response. I swear his vocabulary consists of 20 words. Unless it’s about hockey of course. I’m bored. I need the stimulation. He’s so predictable and all this has led to bigger issues I feel. I question if I can live the rest of my life like this.. if I should commit to starting a family.. do I just give up… how do I fix this because I do want to. I just don’t know how to relight that spark. I don’t know how to even start rebuilding that connection. I’ve told him I need that emotional connection in order to give him the physical connection he wants and that he needs to try with me and be patient as we rebuild and work on it. But he just gets frustrated and we end up fighting. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t seem to get out of. I’m so confused!

    • Angela February 21, 2016, 5:46 pm

      Hey Nikki,
      I read your post this morning. It’s like you said everything I feel ! Only difference is I’m not married to my man. We have been together for over 2 years. It’s been rocky since day one. I look back an think how much he’s softened up. How little I’ve taken and accepted because he’s ” a good man” a hard worker, has good morals,etc etc.
      He too has 20 words to his vocabulary. He is so indecisive , he can’t hardly make a decision unless it has to do with sports or work. I’m bored, and I have no stimulation anymore because it’s like talking to a wall.
      Today we had a day off together .. So I wanted us to do something as a couple. I asked him what he wanted to do and his response is… “I don’t know.” I come up with nice options for us… Everything is I’m not sure, I don’t know… It’s like come on! Have an opinion . He’s never up for just a walk, that’s like pulling teeth. If there’s a game on tv he wants to watch that, which is fine, but when I come up with creative ideas, he has zero in put. Then we go in circles about what we should do together , instead of lounging and doing nothing (for once.) and we end up no where. I find myself unhappy and disappointed. I share my feelings with him and he just shuts down and bad vitally says , take me home I don’t want to do anything now. He can’t tell me what he wants because that would make him too vulnerable in his eyes. He has a good heart, and he has his moments… But I’m afraid I’ve checked out and I’m not married yet… And I don’t think this will ever change. I tend to second guess myself down times, but then I know it’s just the caring for others side of me. I’m always the giver, with friends and lovers. With him, I give because I want to and its natural . I feel like he’s selfish with his decisions and his indecisiveness. When he shuts down I think that’s selfish. I responded to you, because I feel alone too. I don’t want to bother my girlfriends with this nonsense, they have enough stuff going on.

      I hope it gets better girl. Love is never easy, but it shouldn’t be hard labor either. You only have one life. Make it the best version for yourself .

  • Mandy March 26, 2016, 2:41 am

    I finally FINALLY had the courage to kick the piece of trash out.
    Its a whole new beginning and all I’m looking for now is a honest friendly caring funny humorous friends. I’m not getting no relationship until the guy approaches me. He finds me and understands me is interested in knowing me what my interests are and what I love about life. Its HIGH TIME TO BE SELFISH. BEEN NEGLECTING MY SELF MY FEELINGS..!!!!

  • Karen May 11, 2016, 8:51 am

    Wow, I am glad to have found this page! I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married for just over 3) and he is a serial offender in the art of silence.It’s been like it for most of the relationship really but I haven’t 100% been able to pin down the problem until a couple of years ago. I realised that after we bought our house, he spent 3-4 evenings out every week watching football or cricket or some other such thing and I stayed at home on my own, cooked the dinner and wondered where my husband had gone. At weekends I’d sit out in the garden and he would sit inside on his laptop or go out again. Sometimes when I was talking to him, I would have to repeat his name three or four times before he even heard me, and I wouldn’t say I’m a hugely talkative person myself. It’s not like he’d get bored of listening to me after a while, just that he didn’t even hear me to begin with. Sometimes I would try to hug him and he would do nothing, just look at his phone. We haven’t had sex for over 2 years. It got to the point where I was incredibly lonely and depressed and I still am. I stopped trying with him, I stopped communicating, and I started spending time with the people who boosted my sense of self worth and guess what? Now he’s the one trying to spend time with me and talk to me and craves my attention but only because I’m sure he can sense that I’m slipping away. Unfortunately I am no longer interested and I’m planning to leave him. My problem is that after such a long uncommunicative relationship, I don’t even know how to broach the subject with him. My self esteem is still very low and I still don’t feel like an equal person in my marriage. My opinion has been made to seem like it is not important so I feel like I’m somehow out of order for wanting something more from my life. If only men knew just how devaluing it is when they don’t see you or care about your opinions

  • Mandy May 21, 2016, 4:25 pm

    Ladies I have been on my own since March 2016 and let me tell you…I’m loving it..!!!
    It takes courage and strength to kick these piece of trash out of your life especially when you know you are doing more then enough for everyone and nothing for yourself. Its never too late or bad to be selfish or worry about yourself for once.
    If any of you ladies live in BC and seriously need to talk or just need time out….I’m truly here for you ladies…!!!!
    I know how it feels coz I use to be in that same spot and when I needed someone to talk to or just have someone listen to my pain or hear me out….I NEVER HAD ANYONE..!!!!
    I would like to give you ladies this opportunity to share your feelings your hurt and your fears…I’m here as a friend and as a sister..
    I’m not rich but my heart is full of love and respect for you ladies.
    The type of turmoil…obstacles and hurricanes of all types of abuse in my entire life brought me up as a understanding and a loving person.
    None of you ladies are crazy or ignorant/mean or anything else but are wonderful smart intelligent beautiful lovable pretty funny and adorable human beings.
    Respects to you all and a BIG SALUTE to you ALL

  • Bee June 5, 2016, 10:50 pm

    Move on. If you can’t communicate now you will never be able to. Communications get worse as the the years go by, not better. Years and years of therapy with same issue.. It’s part of his personality and that will never change. Don’t waste years of misery in therapy… It’s lonely there too.

  • Clare June 9, 2016, 6:20 am

    Wow so glad I found this thread- it seems like its been going for years!

    My boyfriend struggles with conversation, and I am the total opposite, I am the life and soul of a conversation, I’ve got to say the relationship has taken its toll on my vibrancy and happiness.

    He responds to 90% of my conversation with “yeah” “umm” “mmmmm” and it drives me insane, I have been telling him for 5 years that I need more from him, and I can see the struggle when he does try to engage, like its physically painful for him, I can almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he struggles to think of something to say. He isn’t a bad person, he loves me entirely but I just cant live like this anymore, its not his fault- its just how he is. His last girlfriend had a similar struggle- she broke up with him after a year, I have struggled through 5.

    We met in Australia where I was travelling and he lived, he was a country boy and I am a city girl, I thought that was the reason, he moved to London with me after 2 years of living in Australia, I thought the city would open him up- the culture and arts and everything a city has to offer, if anything its made it worse.

    The thing is- he can talk- if you want to talk about Motorbikes, Snowboarding or Football, but that’s about it, he has selective conversational topics and I see him having lively debate about the things that matter to HIM! My friends dont get it, in company he will and can talk, but when its just the two of us he doesn’t say much, I asked him if he is intimidated by me, that I am too conversational and he said “maybe” entire answer right there.

    I do these little experiments when we are out for a walk, I just don’t say anything and guess what there is no conversation at all, I am the facilitator of all our communication and when I stop talking no one talks. Its exhausting.

    Reading this thread has made me realise that nothing will ever change, he has already told me that but I was convinced there would be a way! If we had children he might open up… but I guess not.

    I was searching for an answer or a positive story that would give me hope. I guess people just are who they are. I feel like I have wasted years on hoping. I’m 36 not ancient by any means, but scared to start again.

    I love this man, I wanted him to be the father of my children I wanted to build a life with him, but my biggest fear is growing old with him, once the children left home. The eternal silence, the loneliness. I think I would just die.

    Thanks ladies, really great to see I am not alone.

    • Karyce June 29, 2016, 4:55 pm

      My husband and I have been together 23 years, married for 14 years no children together. The situation is the same, until about 10 years ago everything was good. Conversation was stimulating, intercourse was good, companionship was great, and we were both giving meaningful contributions to the marriage.
      I read an article or saw something on TV about saying something when you start to see your spouse / partner change….and when I said something, he made it seem like it was just me. But our conversation turned to being just about his job or his friends and I always listen and actively respond to him. When I would finally have a moment to let him know about my day (he wouldn’t ask, and if he did, he would end up either cutting me off to say something else about his day, or turn the TV on and start watching TV. When I would say he wasn’t listening he would say “I hear you baby”. He hears the sound of my voice not the actual words. That’s a form of disrespect.
      He no longer tells me what’s on his mind or things he wants to do, I now have to ask him what he’s thinking about, to which he may just shake his head or say nothing, but you know when something is on your mate’s mind, or when they’re bothered by something. We don’t spend any time together on the weekends because he decides to work and when he gets off he goes straight over his friend’s house. This has just started about 2 weeks ago. Whenever I suggest we spend more time together he shuts down and refuses to say anything.
      Our marriage has been getting steadily worse over the years. I have tried talking to him about it, letting him know that I feel he’s distancing himself from me, that his lack of communication and time spent is pulling us apart, but he says he doesn’t see anything wrong. I even offered him an out of the marriage because I’m tired and out of suggestions I tell him I feel like I am the only one that’s trying to hold our marriage together. He just says I love you baby and if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here. But if I tell you that your actions or lack thereof is hurting me, you would do something to stop that pain…right?
      What’s the purpose of being in a marriage trying to make things better when you’re the only one who seems to care?

    • Joan July 5, 2016, 12:07 pm

      Clare- I was in your exact position a few years ago. And then I had kids with him and married him. Please listen to me. Get out now. It will never get better. Once you have kids it will be worse, and then you will be trapped. Do artificial insimination if you want to have kids, do not settle because you want to have kids. Sorry this is me wishing I could speak to myself in the past. I’m so lonely. I too am the only one that initiates conversation and it’s exhausting, all I get is one word answers. I never broke up with him because I thought it would get better, and he truly is a great person. I ignored that one really important need wasn’t being met though. It always seemed too hard, a lease we would have to get out of etc. believe me it is one thousand times harder when you have kids

  • ReadytoDie August 1, 2016, 10:32 pm

    I came home from work exhausted after several “days off” spent attending to whatever she wanted done. I just wanted to relax for a bit….but nope…time to talk about our retirement, the house, blah blah blah. When can I ever get a break from the constant need to discuss what we’re going to do next as a couple, financially or otherwise. Someone please just kill me now.


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