What no one tells you: Babies rarely look like this!
1. Many, many mornings at 5:30 a.m., you will spend inordinate amounts of time bargaining with God for just one more hour of sleep.
2. There is no painless way to extract a baby from a womb. You will spend lots of time arguing with other mothers about which is less painful, a C-section or a vaginal birth. In reality, they both hurt more than any other hurt you’ve ever experienced in your entire life. But it’s the kind of pain that’s worth it, for the most part.
3. You will become so used to touching your child’s bodily fluids-snot, urine, poop, spit, and blood-that they will no longer gross you out.
4. You will become an expert at the art of “poop reading,” which is the ability to tell whether your child is sick based on the size, color, shape and frequency of his or her bowel movements.
5. You will develop a condition known as “momnesia” at the moment of conception. Experts say it lifts about a year or two into parenthood, but any honest mother will tell you that it lasts a full 20 years, at which time you will develop senility instead.
6. During pregnancy, you will find all sorts of crud in your underwear, crud that makes your worst yeast infection ever seem very, very, very tame.
7. After you give birth, you will begin to hate your spouse and wish he or she would just drop dead.
8. Your child will embarrass you on a deeper level than you’ve ever been embarrassed in your life, especially when you are standing in line at a store and your 3 year old exclaims, “Whoo-wee Mommy, you farted! It stinks in here!”
9. Your boobs will look Pam Anderson fantastic during breast-feeding. Love it while it lasts. As soon as your child weans, your boobs will deflate faster than a balloon with a hole in it. And they will get saggy, too. This is the single most common reason why many women decide to have more than one child.
10. Not long into parenthood, you will trade off your goal of being the “perfect parent” for the goal of “just help me survive this experience.”
11. There will be a day at some point after parenthood when you find yourself out in public and realize any or all of the following: a) your shirt is inside out b) there is food on your shirt c) you forgot to brush your teeth… and your hair d) you forgot to put on your pants.
12. All of those expressions you learned from your parents that you swore you would never repeat? You will say them to your child, and you will say them many, many times.
13. If you did not curse before parenthood, you will afterward. If you cursed before parenthood, you will curse even more.
14. Your child will start to manipulate you starting around 4 months, a process that will last until your funeral. You will learn to see this for what it is: how your child displays his or her love for you.
15. You will find yourself Googling all sorts of oddities, from, “How to teach a kid to poop on the potty” to “I have a crush on my pediatrician. Is this normal?”
16. You will ask yourself, “Is this normal?” many, many, many times, and you will never really know the answer to that question. For instance, while eating dinner at a restaurant, your child might slip his or her hands up your shirt and exclaim, “I’m touching your nipples!” Is that normal? I’m still not sure.
17. You will realize just how much you really do not know, especially when your child asks you, “Whose head is on the quarter?” and “Why do Zebras have stripes?” and “Why can’t I put my hands up your shirt when we are out in public?”
18. You will constantly worry that someone will call Child Protective Services on you, even though you are truly a good parent. Your child is just clumsy.
19. Time will become your most precious commodity, and you will haggle with your spouse over it as if it were gold.
20. You will learn to fear birthday invitations.
21. Grocery shopping will never quite be the same experience again.
22. If you had extra money before you became a parent, you won’t have it afterward.
23. Diapers cost more than you would ever imagine. Daycare costs even more, and don’t even think about the cost of a college education. If you do, you will probably decide not to have children.
24. The expression, “All shit stinks” is inaccurate. The poop of newborn breast fed babies doesn’t stink. Poop only starts to stink once babies start eating solids, and some solids make it stink more than others. You will soon become an expert at sniffing poop and knowing exactly what food led to that precise odor.
25. You will find yourself throwing away all sorts of things that make you feel guilty, such as your child’s artwork.
26. The day you give birth, your hair will start to gray and you will start to grow a mustache. It happens to the best of mothers. Thankfully, there are plenty of cheap hair removal products, not to mention dye.
For more momspiration, check out the Best Mommy Blogs over at Andrea Howard’s Parentise site. By the way, her site is a very cool place to go for reviews of various services and products that all parents need.
What did you learn about parenting after the fact that you wish you had known before? Leave a comment.
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OMG I laughed outloud. One question – please tell me you were not caught doing 11 D. LOL.
Love all these – but especially #10!!! Survival is the key…
Thanks for this. #16 just happened to me the other day-only we were at Girl Scouts and I had to explain why she did this to a bunch of first graders.
Just popping over from the 31 day challenge! LOOOOVE your list! It made me laugh so hard! I’m not even close to motherhood but this is a good warning list!
One I heard once was that you will forever be watching your heart live outside your chest. How very true! And certainly something I didn’t realize before I had my children.
I was just thinking about #3 the other day and how gross it really is to be a parent after I stuck my finger in my daughters diaper just to prove to myself that she hadn’t gone and…well…she had…that will teach me! Great list and thanks for the shout out!
Thanks for all the reminders of why I’m never having children! And for #20, don’t worry, those of us who are childfree fear the dreaded baby shower invitation. We enjoy those less than you enjoy birthday parties. Seriously. I don’t enjoy spending my afternoons trying to figure out what candy bar is in the diaper (whoever came up with THAT game should be shot) and exclaiming “how cute!” over expensive, unnecessary outfits that I know will be worn exactly once because kids grow so darned fast. And then when I purchase a thoughtful, lasting gift (because let’s face it, do you moms REALLY need four diaper bags because the first two might not match all your outfits?) the mom-to-be says, “was this even on the registry?”
I love your list! I laughed so hard and long – mostly because I recognised absolutely everything you wrote down! Thanks for helping me to remember I am not alone.
H
I loved this list. I came across this blog, which might give you a chuckle also:
http://bestparentever.com
Thanks for the link! Here’s one at Blogger Dad that I liked, too: http://www.bloggerdad.com/your-toddler-is-full-of-crap/
Alisa, this was all so true. You have hit the nail on the top of the head with this one. I think everyone can identify with at least a majority of the things on the list. Its why we bond in a way that men will never understand. To Alisa’s male readers: we do not boast about relationships, they just are! And we pray that you are able to understand it no matter how you may think we are feeling.What are your man thoughts on this?
Hang in there. Grandchildren make up for all this (well, almost all of it. Nothing helps the boobs unless you go for implants).
Very funny!
I really do think that these are true, especially the c-section vs. vaginal delivery one. They’re both painful. Both ways result in a baby. Why do we harp on this so much?
SOOO glad I’ve decided not to have kids! Thanks for reinforcing that decision for me!
I laughed out loud and I don’t even have kids. This kind of makes me glad I don’t, but so sympathetic for all those moms out there who are just trying to get through the day!
You are dead on about all of them, but I relate most to #9 and #21. And thank you for confirming #26!
Ahh, but it gets better. Who knew you could spend 4 hours shopping for one pair of shorts with a thirteen year old?
Found you from Darren Rowse………good post. As i sit here as Mr. Mom today….i can relate.
Kevin
OMG….my favorite is fearing birthdays…yes, Ma’am, absolutely! Too funny! I’ve got to share this list with my clients.
#18 and 20 are my favorite and so darn true. I lived #1 pretty much every day after my son was born! Thanks for the huge chuckle!
At breastfeeding.com a friend gave me the user name DivaLasDookie because she so appreciated me giving her the rundown on what all the kinds, shapes and smells of poop meant.
Great post… but would you change a thing? I know I wouldn’t
( proud parent of 4 boys)!
Wow. Hilarious list, but also great birth control. Thanks for that! ;D
LOL oh my goodness…this is hilarious and so true. I love this blog because you say what we are all thinking and feeling. THANKS
Quoted
“You will develop a condition known as “momnesia” at the moment of conception. Experts say it lifts about a year or two into parenthood, but any honest mother will tell you that it lasts a full 20 years, at which time you will develop senility instead.”
Superb!
Your child will start to manipulate you starting around 4 months, a process that will last until your funeral.
This one makes me feel bad as a child.
I am crying I am laughing so hard! Living #9 right now after weaning!
Wow, am I ever glad you’re not my wife OR mother, yet sad and depressed you are SOMEONE’s mother. Same to most if not all the commentors preceding me. This widower father of a two year old hopes you stay away from both of us.
It’s quite interesting to me that the women who replied all seemed to agree but “Mr. Difficult” thinks it’s bogus. Clearly I need to keep my thought regarding his reasons for that to myself… Anyway, though I do not have children I watch them fairly regularly and have found most of the things you stated to be true in my experience. I can’t vouch for the breast-feeding parts though.
Mr. Difficult is sad that you’re someone’s mom because you said pregnant women find crud in their underwear and your boobs will sag after nursing? And moms are forgetful? And you noted that little kids like to feel people up and say brutally honest things at times when it is embarassing for the parent? And because you point out parents are always short on sleep and childbirth involves pain? And we parents get used to poop and actually become experts? And you observe kids learn to manipulate us and we tend to turn into our own parents despite our intentions? And kid stuff, including birthday gifts, are expensive? And our hair changes? All this, but in a funnier way of course (I personally can relate to 16) and this makes him sad you are someone’s Mom? I know you must have the good sense not to listen to that crazy guy, but I can’t even find anything remotely offensive in what you said. They were humorous observations. Nothing in that post said that you aren’t an devoted parent who loves their kids to bits and wouldn’t go through much more humiliation and sleep deprivation if it meant keeping your kids happy. In contrast, your ability to find the humor in the trial and tribulations of raising children, and to reach out and resonate with other parents, shows you have passion and joy in your parenting. I feel really sad there are children out there whose parents focus on belittling others rather than enjoying the humor to be found in our common role as Moms and Dads. Thanks to you for a great post!
OMgosh! I am laughing so hard right now! Those are all true at some point or another, whether you’re a new, young mama, or a seasoned mama with grandkids! Thanks for this awesome post. I gave you a thumbs up on StumbleUpon
.-= Mary Lutz´s last blog ..Recipe for Slow Cooker Stuffing =-.
this honestly scared me. do you have to shatter my dreams? i’m only 5 months pregnant.
Truer words were never spoken! This is perfect and describes my life to a tee!
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Day 1 – Snail Mail =-.
Next list: Why men move on to younger women
I’m sorry that Mr. Difficult seems to be so very bitter. Being a mother is NOT an easy thing – although it is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced. This list is incredibly insightful & humorous! It’s helpful, for all of us mothers who try so hard & feel like failures sometimes because, no matter what we do, we will never be perfect! It helps to know that we are not alone in the things that we feel & the experiences that we have. It seems to me that #1 – Mr Difficult (while I admire him raising his child alone) OBVIOUSLY does Not know what it means to be a MOM! and #2 – he is somehow insulted by honesty! I give you Kudos, Alisa, for being brave enough to be honest about just a few of the crazy, scary things that motherhood entails!
Yep. Time to never have kids.
“20. You will learn to fear birthday invitations.”
I totally thought that this one was just me!!! In fact, I’m already dreading one for this weekend….
Cute list. And accurate on way too many counts!
Tricia Meyer´s last [type] ..Butt Face Towels on Dr Oz
I loved this list. Mine are 17 and almost 21, let me tell you 5 and 14 are absolutely true. Mommyhood doesn’t end when they bigger. All too many never end, except maybe the poop stuff
Susan´s last [type] ..Polymer Clay Preferences
Parenting is a journey rather than a destination.
Our roles as moms are never completely finished. There are certainly milestones in life like beginning first grade, graduation from high school, marriage, and that first grandchild, but the journey will take a lifetime.
Thanks for having us mature moms go down memory lane here. Motherhood is the most valuable job we will ever have on this earth.
I think I have a few reasons why Mr Difficult would be upset by your list, as there are some points that bother me as well:
7. Why? Having my children made me love my husband more. He went from being a wonderful boyfriend to great husband to amazing husband.
9. Breasts sag for all sorts of reasons, many of which you can do nothing about: age, genetics, body type, etc. Some breasts sag more than others. Pregnancy itself, and not breastfeeding, can cause breasts to sag. http://www.pregnancy-info.net/breastfeeding-and-sagging-breasts.html
14. It is impossible for a 4 month old to manipulate you. “Viewing a child (even a baby or toddler) as manipulative takes away the connection we have to the child and to our own thoughts about a situation.” http://blog.torontotherapysite.com/2010/02/05/the-myth-of-the-manipulative-child.aspx?ref=rss
The rest of the list is pretty funny, and familiar. In fact, I almost shared it. I hope you were just trying to be funny, and maybe I missed it.
Just had to say, I loved the list! I have three kids, 21, 17, and 5 – the first two are emotionally disabled (politically correct for Bipolar Disorder (politically correct for manic depressive)) and in the case of my first two kids you need to amplify almost each point. The embarrassing things are the most notable in almost every parents life – except maybe for the fact that most kids tend to look behind them when they are running, which usually leads others to wonder if you beat your child. However, I find pediatritians much more adept at analysing brusing and other injuries to accurately and correctly identify the reason without being told how the injury was aquired. I once took my daughter in to get her boosters with a strait line of a bruise on her forhead. Her doctor took one look and giggled “Ran into the corner of the wall?”
forgot the sex pointer. no sex.
I have 2 great adult kids. My daughter has 2 very smart kids. One is 6, and one is 4. The one thing u left off the list, which is what my mother told me…when I have kids they will be 10 times worse than I was. (and they were) Which of course, I passed onto my daughter!! LOL Seriously, the grandbabies, r a mess, but, she has done a fantastic job raising them alone!! Of course, they embarrass her, but they have taught her responsibility, love, laughter & everything about life I could never teach her!! She is my HERO, my best friend, & my daughter!! Love ya, Kat!!
hahaha! Fantastic post! Blogs have been a blessing as a new(ish) parent–thank goodness for the internet. This list helped me get started: http://www.redtri.com/bay-area-favorite-blogs
all these are so true except the all births are painful ones i have three kids the pain wasn’t that bad at most it was like really bad cramps i could walk and talk through it and didn’t even think about pain medications. Labor isn’t the worst pain ever for lots of women and it breaks my heart how many times I hear new moms told horror stories of labor pain.
sorry, but I call total bs on #24. ALL shit stinks. Whoever told you that breastfed newborn baby poop doesn’t smell is a big fat smoldering liar. I speak from experience.
After 16 years of clothes shopping for my daughter and being ridiculed for my choice I came back home and told her about a pretty top I had seen and not brought. She tell me,” You should have brought it. Your taste has improved!”
Can you beat it?
Archana´s last [type] ..Croissants
All the above are true, so very very true. But it is all worthwhile when your child
comes to you and announces she is going to make you a grandmom. The years of fear and self doubt suddenly evaporate and you realize (A) They survived even though you had no idea what you were doing. (B) It is payback time, you can spoil your grandchildren rotten , because you can give them back every night and know that you at least will get a good nights sleep.
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