26 Things No One Told You About Life as a Parent
What no one tells you: Babies rarely look like this!
1. Many, many mornings at 5:30 a.m., you will spend inordinate amounts of time bargaining with God for just one more hour of sleep.
2. There is no painless way to extract a baby from a womb. You will spend lots of time arguing with other mothers about which is less painful, a C-section or a vaginal birth. In reality, they both hurt more than any other hurt you’ve ever experienced in your entire life. But it’s the kind of pain that’s worth it, for the most part.
3. You will become so used to touching your child’s bodily fluids-snot, urine, poop, spit, and blood-that they will no longer gross you out.
4. You will become an expert at the art of “poop reading,” which is the ability to tell whether your child is sick based on the size, color, shape and frequency of his or her bowel movements.
5. You will develop a condition known as “momnesia” at the moment of conception. Experts say it lifts about a year or two into parenthood, but any honest mother will tell you that it lasts a full 20 years, at which time you will develop senility instead.
6. During pregnancy, you will find all sorts of crud in your underwear, crud that makes your worst yeast infection ever seem very, very, very tame.
7. After you give birth, you will begin to hate your spouse and wish he or she would just drop dead.
8. Your child will embarrass you on a deeper level than you’ve ever been embarrassed in your life, especially when you are standing in line at a store and your 3 year old exclaims, “Whoo-wee Mommy, you farted! It stinks in here!”
9. Your boobs will look Pam Anderson fantastic during breast-feeding. Love it while it lasts. As soon as your child weans, your boobs will deflate faster than a balloon with a hole in it. And they will get saggy, too. This is the single most common reason why many women decide to have more than one child.
10. Not long into parenthood, you will trade off your goal of being the “perfect parent” for the goal of “just help me survive this experience.”
11. There will be a day at some point after parenthood when you find yourself out in public and realize any or all of the following: a) your shirt is inside out b) there is food on your shirt c) you forgot to brush your teeth… and your hair d) you forgot to put on your pants.
12. All of those expressions you learned from your parents that you swore you would never repeat? You will say them to your child, and you will say them many, many times.
13. If you did not curse before parenthood, you will afterward. If you cursed before parenthood, you will curse even more.
14. Your child will start to manipulate you starting around 4 months, a process that will last until your funeral. You will learn to see this for what it is: how your child displays his or her love for you.
15. You will find yourself Googling all sorts of oddities, from, “How to teach a kid to poop on the potty” to “I have a crush on my pediatrician. Is this normal?”
16. You will ask yourself, “Is this normal?” many, many, many times, and you will never really know the answer to that question. For instance, while eating dinner at a restaurant, your child might slip his or her hands up your shirt and exclaim, “I’m touching your nipples!” Is that normal? I’m still not sure.
17. You will realize just how much you really do not know, especially when your child asks you, “Whose head is on the quarter?” and “Why do Zebras have stripes?” and “Why can’t I put my hands up your shirt when we are out in public?”
18. You will constantly worry that someone will call Child Protective Services on you, even though you are truly a good parent. Your child is just clumsy.
19. Time will become your most precious commodity, and you will haggle with your spouse over it as if it were gold.
20. You will learn to fear birthday invitations.
21. Grocery shopping will never quite be the same experience again.
22. If you had extra money before you became a parent, you won’t have it afterward.
23. Diapers cost more than you would ever imagine. Daycare costs even more, and don’t even think about the cost of a college education. If you do, you will probably decide not to have children.
24. The expression, “All shit stinks” is inaccurate. The poop of newborn breast fed babies doesn’t stink. Poop only starts to stink once babies start eating solids, and some solids make it stink more than others. You will soon become an expert at sniffing poop and knowing exactly what food led to that precise odor.
25. You will find yourself throwing away all sorts of things that make you feel guilty, such as your child’s artwork.
26. The day you give birth, your hair will start to gray and you will start to grow a mustache. It happens to the best of mothers. Thankfully, there are plenty of cheap hair removal products, not to mention dye.
For more momspiration, check out the Best Mommy Blogs over at Andrea Howard’s Parentise site. By the way, her site is a very cool place to go for reviews of various services and products that all parents need.
What did you learn about parenting after the fact that you wish you had known before? Leave a comment.
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Tags: parenthood
April 7th, 2009 at 10:55 am
OMG I laughed outloud. One question – please tell me you were not caught doing 11 D. LOL.
April 7th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Love all these – but especially #10!!! Survival is the key…
April 7th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Thanks for this. #16 just happened to me the other day-only we were at Girl Scouts and I had to explain why she did this to a bunch of first graders.
April 7th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Just popping over from the 31 day challenge! LOOOOVE your list! It made me laugh so hard! I’m not even close to motherhood but this is a good warning list!
April 7th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
One I heard once was that you will forever be watching your heart live outside your chest. How very true! And certainly something I didn’t realize before I had my children.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I was just thinking about #3 the other day and how gross it really is to be a parent after I stuck my finger in my daughters diaper just to prove to myself that she hadn’t gone and…well…she had…that will teach me! Great list and thanks for the shout out!
April 7th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Thanks for all the reminders of why I’m never having children! And for #20, don’t worry, those of us who are childfree fear the dreaded baby shower invitation. We enjoy those less than you enjoy birthday parties. Seriously. I don’t enjoy spending my afternoons trying to figure out what candy bar is in the diaper (whoever came up with THAT game should be shot) and exclaiming “how cute!” over expensive, unnecessary outfits that I know will be worn exactly once because kids grow so darned fast. And then when I purchase a thoughtful, lasting gift (because let’s face it, do you moms REALLY need four diaper bags because the first two might not match all your outfits?) the mom-to-be says, “was this even on the registry?”
April 7th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I love your list! I laughed so hard and long – mostly because I recognised absolutely everything you wrote down! Thanks for helping me to remember I am not alone.
H
April 7th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
I loved this list. I came across this blog, which might give you a chuckle also:
http://bestparentever.com
April 8th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Alisa, this was all so true. You have hit the nail on the top of the head with this one. I think everyone can identify with at least a majority of the things on the list. Its why we bond in a way that men will never understand. To Alisa’s male readers: we do not boast about relationships, they just are! And we pray that you are able to understand it no matter how you may think we are feeling.What are your man thoughts on this?
April 8th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Hang in there. Grandchildren make up for all this (well, almost all of it. Nothing helps the boobs unless you go for implants).
April 8th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Very funny!
I really do think that these are true, especially the c-section vs. vaginal delivery one. They’re both painful. Both ways result in a baby. Why do we harp on this so much?
April 8th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
SOOO glad I’ve decided not to have kids! Thanks for reinforcing that decision for me!
April 8th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I laughed out loud and I don’t even have kids. This kind of makes me glad I don’t, but so sympathetic for all those moms out there who are just trying to get through the day!
April 8th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
You are dead on about all of them, but I relate most to #9 and #21. And thank you for confirming #26!
April 8th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Ahh, but it gets better. Who knew you could spend 4 hours shopping for one pair of shorts with a thirteen year old?
April 9th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Found you from Darren Rowse………good post. As i sit here as Mr. Mom today….i can relate.
Kevin
April 9th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
OMG….my favorite is fearing birthdays…yes, Ma’am, absolutely! Too funny! I’ve got to share this list with my clients.
April 10th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Thanks for the link! Here’s one at Blogger Dad that I liked, too: http://www.bloggerdad.com/your-toddler-is-full-of-crap/
April 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
#18 and 20 are my favorite and so darn true. I lived #1 pretty much every day after my son was born! Thanks for the huge chuckle!
April 11th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
At breastfeeding.com a friend gave me the user name DivaLasDookie because she so appreciated me giving her the rundown on what all the kinds, shapes and smells of poop meant.
April 11th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Great post… but would you change a thing? I know I wouldn’t
( proud parent of 4 boys)!
April 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Wow. Hilarious list, but also great birth control. Thanks for that! ;D
April 19th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
[...] posted 26 things no one warned you about being a parent at Happily Ever [...]
April 20th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
LOL oh my goodness…this is hilarious and so true. I love this blog because you say what we are all thinking and feeling. THANKS
April 28th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Quoted
“You will develop a condition known as “momnesia” at the moment of conception. Experts say it lifts about a year or two into parenthood, but any honest mother will tell you that it lasts a full 20 years, at which time you will develop senility instead.”
Superb!
April 28th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Your child will start to manipulate you starting around 4 months, a process that will last until your funeral.
This one makes me feel bad as a child.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
[...] Things No One Told You About Life as a Parent – http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/04/26-things-no-one-warned-you-about-being-a-parent/ OK, it is REALLY CREEPY because it’s SO TRUE via @TracyOConnor Tags: comments, [...]
October 4th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I am crying I am laughing so hard! Living #9 right now after weaning!
November 6th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Wow, am I ever glad you’re not my wife OR mother, yet sad and depressed you are SOMEONE’s mother. Same to most if not all the commentors preceding me. This widower father of a two year old hopes you stay away from both of us.
November 14th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
[...] you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!Not long ago, a father commented on one of my posts, saying that he was sad and depressed that I was someone’s mother. He went on to say that he was [...]
November 15th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
[...] 15.11.2009 | Author: RssBlogger | Posted in Relationships Not long ago, a father commented on one of my posts, saying that he was sad and depressed that I was someone’s mother. He went on to say that he was [...]
November 16th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
It’s quite interesting to me that the women who replied all seemed to agree but “Mr. Difficult” thinks it’s bogus. Clearly I need to keep my thought regarding his reasons for that to myself… Anyway, though I do not have children I watch them fairly regularly and have found most of the things you stated to be true in my experience. I can’t vouch for the breast-feeding parts though.
November 18th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Mr. Difficult is sad that you’re someone’s mom because you said pregnant women find crud in their underwear and your boobs will sag after nursing? And moms are forgetful? And you noted that little kids like to feel people up and say brutally honest things at times when it is embarassing for the parent? And because you point out parents are always short on sleep and childbirth involves pain? And we parents get used to poop and actually become experts? And you observe kids learn to manipulate us and we tend to turn into our own parents despite our intentions? And kid stuff, including birthday gifts, are expensive? And our hair changes? All this, but in a funnier way of course (I personally can relate to 16) and this makes him sad you are someone’s Mom? I know you must have the good sense not to listen to that crazy guy, but I can’t even find anything remotely offensive in what you said. They were humorous observations. Nothing in that post said that you aren’t an devoted parent who loves their kids to bits and wouldn’t go through much more humiliation and sleep deprivation if it meant keeping your kids happy. In contrast, your ability to find the humor in the trial and tribulations of raising children, and to reach out and resonate with other parents, shows you have passion and joy in your parenting. I feel really sad there are children out there whose parents focus on belittling others rather than enjoying the humor to be found in our common role as Moms and Dads. Thanks to you for a great post!
November 27th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
OMgosh! I am laughing so hard right now! Those are all true at some point or another, whether you’re a new, young mama, or a seasoned mama with grandkids! Thanks for this awesome post. I gave you a thumbs up on StumbleUpon
Mary Lutz´s last blog ..Recipe for Slow Cooker Stuffing
December 6th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
this honestly scared me. do you have to shatter my dreams? i’m only 5 months pregnant.
December 10th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Truer words were never spoken! This is perfect and describes my life to a tee!
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January 1st, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Next list: Why men move on to younger women
March 7th, 2010 at 12:16 am
[...] 26 things no one warned you about being a parent [...]
July 24th, 2010 at 1:12 am
I’m sorry that Mr. Difficult seems to be so very bitter. Being a mother is NOT an easy thing – although it is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced. This list is incredibly insightful & humorous! It’s helpful, for all of us mothers who try so hard & feel like failures sometimes because, no matter what we do, we will never be perfect! It helps to know that we are not alone in the things that we feel & the experiences that we have. It seems to me that #1 – Mr Difficult (while I admire him raising his child alone) OBVIOUSLY does Not know what it means to be a MOM! and #2 – he is somehow insulted by honesty! I give you Kudos, Alisa, for being brave enough to be honest about just a few of the crazy, scary things that motherhood entails!