9 stages of an unhappy marriage
If you are making this for him, you're probably still in Stage 1.
This morning, I woke up before my husband, looked in the fridge and found only three eggs. I eat eggs for breakfast nearly every morning. So does my husband. This was a problem.
I did something that surprised even myself. I made myself a frozen waffle and a smoothie. Later, my husband, who was having a very difficult time getting out of bed, asked, “Are there any eggs?” I said, “There were only three eggs left, so I didn’t eat any. I saved them for you. You know I love you now.”
He smiled and said, “I do.”
Now, let me be honest here. Not long ago, I would have eaten all three eggs, and I would have done it while I thought, “If he got his lazy sorry ass out of bed on time, then he would have beat me to the eggs. You snooze. You lose.”
It made me realize that there are 9 distinct stages of marital disharmony. In these stages, I’m using eggs as an example, but it might be chocolate or English muffins or something else that you and your spouse both love and also tend to run out of before it’s time for the next grocery store run. Note: I’ve written these stages from the female point of view, because, after all, I’m a female. For the most part, you could insert “he” for “she” and “she” for “he,” except in a few somewhat obvious places where you just can’t.
Stage 1: Dating
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You drive to the store to get more, so you can make you and your special love interest omelets. You want to prove to him that you have special kitchen skills because you are hoping that, one day, he might want to marry you because of your special kitchen skills.
Stage 2: Serious dating
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You stare at them for a while. You think about eating them. You don’t. You leave them all for that special guy who is sleeping upstairs, because any day now he might get a notion to pop the question. You don’t want to do anything to dissuade him from that notion. See? Aren’t you marriage material? You leave the last three eggs for him! Who wouldn’t marry a woman who does that?
Stage 3: You just got home from the honeymoon
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You sigh. You wake up your husband and explain the egg situation. He says, “Oh, honey, why don’t you eat them? I’ll just have a slice of toast.” He’s under the misguided impression that he’ll get morning sex for this gesture. He may or may not be disappointed, depending on how many weeks have passed since the honeymoon.
Stage 4: The honeymoon is definitely over
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You split them with your spouse, but you are not happy about it. You stare longingly at his eggs the entire time he’s eating, thinking that any moment now he’ll turn back into that man who once gave you his eggs. You pledge to never have sex with him again, no matter how excessively horny you might become.
Stage 5: The honeymoon is so over that you can’t even remember why you ever wanted to travel with him in the first place
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You eat all of them nearly raw. You weren’t even planning on having eggs this day, mind you. You eat them so he can’t have them, because he doesn’t deserve them.
Stage 6: Marital therapy
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You throw them at your husband.
Stage 7: Martial therapy just might be working
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You eat them, but you feel guilty about it.
Stage 8: Wow, marital therapy actually worked!
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You make something else for breakfast.
Stage 9: You have achieved the much talked about but rarely experienced state known as “Marital Enlightenment”
You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You make something else for breakfast. You make the eggs for your spouse.
Note: I have not reached stage 9. I’ve only heard about it. When I again walked into the bedroom this morning (yes, he was still in bed), my husband asked, “Are you almost done making my ham and eggs?”
I said, “I don’t love you that much. Get over it.”
What stage are you in? Leave a comment.
To help you go from a bad marriage to a good one, I wrote Project: Happily Ever After’s Relationship Rules, which details some of the techniques I used to save my marriage. It’s yours for free when when you subscribe to this blog by email. Just type your email address into the “subscribe by email” box in the upper right column. I will never sell your email, and I will never spam you. Note: if you are already a subscriber, you can still download it. Just look for the download prompt at the bottom of your email digest.
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Tags: unhappy marriage
April 14th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Heh, you forgot the last step in my previous unhappy marriage – wake up and find that you only have 3 eggs because your husband gave the other 9 to some other woman!
I guess I’m in stage 9 of current happy marriage but probably I’m cheating because I only cook the eggs because it gives me physical pain to watch my husband do it. I know I don’t have to watch, but it does no good because even if I don’t see I know what sort of kitchen tomfoolery he gets up to.
April 14th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I love this! So funny yet so true (btw, I fluctuate between stages 4, 7 & 8…). Thanks again for the sage advice, Alisa.
H
April 14th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Stage four and Stage six combined. Not getting any and getting good at ducking. I’m the husband.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
funny, and it even sounds like it is probably accurate (to an old maid)
April 14th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
This is great! And so true. I got a nice chuckle from the eggample you used. I’m in the same camp you are…I probably wouldn’t eat them but I would also most likely make him fix them for himself!
April 14th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
April 14th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
While we are at Stage 3 chronologically (2 weeks, 2 days, 4 hours
) that isn’t the reaction I would have. I’d take all three eggs and make French toast for us, to be eaten in bed! If he had the impression that he would get morning sex for this gesture, he would indeed be wrong, he’d get the sex but it would be because *I* demanded it!
Homina homina … the honeymoon is definitely still ON! (And I hope will never end for us two mid-40s newlyweds with 9 kids total!)
April 14th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I’m somewhere smack dab between #’s 4, 7 & 8…depending on the day or the mood. As always, Alisa, you’ve given a clear-cut defanition to marital happiness/bliss/non-bliss; AND you made it funny! My favorite part was the last line “I don’t love you that much, get over it.” So true! Thanks for the laugh, and the reminder, I greatly needed both!
Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
April 14th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Thanks for the laugh therapy. Just in the last week moved from 6 to 8, we may be stage nine by weekend!
April 14th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Lol, stage 2.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
You know you have it good when you BOTH give up the eggs pretty equally. I’d have to say after 16 years of marriage, we’re happily approaching stage 9. Great post!
April 14th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Hmmmm….I’m somewhere between 4 & 8, depending on the day (or maybe I should say depending on the night before).
April 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
How about being more creative? Take the three eggs and scramble them, and then BOTH of you get a good breakfast! Marriage is all about creative compromise.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Ive been in all stages. I stay in stage 9 most of the time but often find myself in compromise like sharing or the french toast thing. After 24 years of marriage, I really appreciate my spouse most of the time and think that he deserves the eggs. He is usually the one that gets me breakfast.
April 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
You missed a stage. The one where you make the eggs for your kids and go back to bed. Or, as is the case in our house, I make the eggs for myself but my son steals them and then I send Hubby out for bagels
April 24th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
ummm … what we have here is a lack of creativity. Make french toast with teh eggs – plenty for both of you. Or a great big omelette with plenty of cheese and peppers in the middle, big enough to split.
Or leave the eggs alone, and go to Dennys.
April 26th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I stay in stage 4, without the intense loathing, until he’s been too much of a prat for a little too long, then typically he punctures my reserves with a well-placed barb.
Response: I throw the eggs, kill the chicken, and vow that if he’s going to be that way, he can find another chef to treat badly and take for granted. I don’t make eggs until there’s an apology, and since the only thing he’ll make himself is a sandwich, he’ll go to rickets in a few weeks. I used to have a large reservoir of grace, but relapse followed apology for so long that all I have left is a thimble full.
May 4th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Stage 4. It’s funny how accurate the whole wishing he would turn back into the man he once was is… I don’t know if all people were masks in the beginning or just a select few, but I really hope to get back where we used to be.
May 13th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Stage 9 sounds more like operating from guilt than enlightenment; maybe he didn’t want eggs on that particular morning. By allowing him to make them for himself, you provide options, rather than depriving him.
I’d say: leave the eggs there and pick up more for the next morning.
June 9th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Learning plus fun is a very good combination. You’re creative by comparing the relationship to some real life situation. I’m on stage 8 going to 9 maybe. Yey!
August 27th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
What if your only not quite 3 months after the honeymoon, you cook, clean, pay bills, do laundry, etc.. & you nicely have said it would be nice if he romanced you like he did before. What if you make him breakfast, his son breakfast on his first day to a new school. Your husband the next day wakes up while I sleep in a little& when I wake up before he goes to work he says there is pancake batter in the fridge to make myself pancakes? What if you want to strangle your husband of only 3mos. I have 4 kids to his one?
September 18th, 2009 at 11:25 am
20 years of marriage. never made me breakfast even once… well partly because I don’t eat breakfast. Morning sex? He never wanted it. Still doesn’t But, if he comes down stairs and i’ve forgotten to make his coffee, he wastes no time reminding me. First year was good, then came kids, and he’s been distant ever since. He’d do a load of laudry, but only his stuff. Even though I’ve tried to keep the flame going, he’s very very very jealous of the time I have to commit to the kids. If he would involve himself with the kids, maybe I’d have more time, and the mental inclination to give him the morning goodies… So, if your honey even makes you pancake batter, that’s a whole lot more than most husbands I know. Some men should just NOT have children.
October 30th, 2009 at 2:34 am
Re write this after you’ve had kids.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:56 am
stage 5.5 – you see there is only 3 eggs and neither of you eats any eggs but seethes all day and night with resentment about who forgot to buy the eggs
November 5th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Yep. You forgot the bit about the kids. Kids are screaming. Whilst juggling two babies , trying to cook the quickest egg dish possible. Hubby come in makes himself toasted sandwich and a banana smoothy. Gets his breakfast for himself. Walks out side on the mobile phone whilst i feed three screaming babies and toddlers. Drink a cup of tea. Vow to give him a vasectomy.
January 28th, 2010 at 4:15 am
Women who have all your postive stuff should just shuoosh…I would be more willing to become stage 8-9 if only he reconized my sacrafice. The fact that he doesnt think about it unless it is rubbed in his face is bs. If I rub it in his face than I am an ungratefull nag. Lose Lose situation. Forget the eggs. Life sucks.
February 1st, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Durae, you poor thing! There are win-win situations but it takes some doing.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Eggs??? If my wife woke up and threw eggs at me every morning it would be a treat from our usually marraige. I have turned to presciption drugs and beer when it gets real bad. Wish you all the best!!!
February 27th, 2010 at 10:58 pm
I think our marriage revolves around stages 6, 7 and 8. I don’t physically throw the eggs at him, but I will remind him that he didn’t get eggs after I texted him and called him. Then I would eat them and feel bad. Then the next time i might eat something else for breakfast when the eggs are low. Its a frustrating cycle!
March 16th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
I’m at Stage 6. We’ve been married 11 years and I am to the point where I speak before thinking. We don’t have children, and that is probably a good thing as I see too many women juggling a full-time job with motherhood. We’ve seen 3 therapists. The first one told us we wouldn’t last, so we adopted a dog. If I don’t cook the eggs, my husband is chronic @ going to fast food restaurants and which concerns me because he has diet restrictions. If I cook the eggs, he gives some to the dog. Usually I feel my buttons are being pushed and generally I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. Throwing the eggs, as in stage 6, gets his attention, but not for long.
March 31st, 2010 at 5:31 am
That was an interesting writeup and i enjoyed reading it. Like you i would have saved the eggs for my husband and would have made something else for me for breakfast. But since my husband and i would have breakfast together he would surely split 50-50 with me and i wud share my breakfast with him.
April 20th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Great article! I got a chuckle out of it, but it really rings true when you go beyond the metaphoric simplicity of th eggs. My wife and I were on the brink of divorce when I found a resource that chnaged everything. If your marriage is in serious trouble I would strongly encourage you to check this out http://helpsaveamarriage.blogspot.com/
June 19th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I guess I’m @ stage 8 but in a parallel dimension. I see 3 eggs & start to weigh out my options… 1) I can cook them for him, he doesn’t like it & then feel bad for the rest of the day “cause I wasted 3 perfectly good eggs”…. 2) not touch them, leave them for him to cook, but then feel bad for the rest of the day “cause I’m lazy & can’t gather enough damn energy in my 300+lbs body to cook 3 measly eggs”. I’ll take option 1 today since I’m going grocery shopping & eggs are on sale.
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:11 am
[...] course, the stuff you find on unhappy marriages is usually funnier, such as this blog post that describes the changes a relationship undergoes using breakfast as the catalyst for marital [...]
August 8th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
I’m vegan and my boyfriends not so most of our food that we eat is very different… if he runs out of something its his own fault lol. :p
August 9th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I am at 5 and 6. I just found out 3 weeks ago my husband is addicted to Vicodin. He is on the road to recovery but going through the withdrawals and detox was maddening. I feel like I hate him. We’ve been having issues for about 2 years now…I guess since our son was born. I don’t want to talk to him because talking leads to arguments then I get blamed for it all. I sure as hell don’t want him to even touch me. I don’t eat breakfast usually but I do know when we are down to the last bit of coffee creamer…I use it all up. I drink more coffee than he does.
August 18th, 2010 at 11:03 pm
Well, this is what is happening to me, but I did not see it in those stages. Using the egg example, I would have saved them for him and he would have never acknowledge what i just did. I feel like I always do things for him to keep peace, but he totally ignores me. That totally breaks my heart. I have told him how i feel, but he says that i just want to fight. I think he is extremely selfish that he does not realizes what he is doing. I don’t know what to do.
August 18th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Please sent me a comment!!! this is Mona thank you!
August 24th, 2010 at 7:20 am
As a husband, I just reached stage 9 on August 18th, 2010 because after all, the eggs probably have salmonella anyway.
August 24th, 2010 at 8:32 am
The Hubby View: thanks for the good laugh today!
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What’s Your Marriage Secret
August 26th, 2010 at 5:21 am
I am at stage four and it is definitely not getting better. We have been married for 26 years and I get nagged all the time about what I don’t do, what I DO isn’t noticed much unless I ask him. I need attention, passion, sex, and rarely get the first one, and the other two are almost non-existent.
I have tried talking, suggested counseling (no way, his response) and I am at my wits end. In almost constant pain, and admittedly, my eyes are beginning to wander…