How to tell a friend from a frenemy
What makes a true friend?
One of my Facebook friends recently friended one of my real-life friends. My real life friend said, “You were the only friend we had in common, but I still wasn’t sure if I should accept the friend request.”
I replied, “Oh, don’t assume a Facebook friend of mine is a friend of yours. Remember: on Facebook, Eddie Murphy is my friend.”
It’s true. I’ve friended a number of celebrities on Facebook, just to see if they would accept my gesture of friendship. They all did. That doesn’t mean these celebrities are my true friends, though. In fact, I’m not really friends with many of the more than 300 people who have friended me on Facebook. This is not to say that I don’t like them or that I no longer wish to have them as friends on Facebook.
It just means this: my definition of “friend” is a little different than Facebook’s definition of friend. My definition has evolved over many years, years filled with numerous friendship breakups and disappointments. My definition was particularly fine-tuned during my quarter life crisis in my 20s and my post-partum depression in my mid 30s—both times when I found myself nearly friendless.
To me, a friend is more than someone I know. It’s more than someone I do things with. It’s more than someone who hangs out with me. It’s more than someone who went to school with me or who has lived with me. (Note: most people who have lived with me don’t consider me a friend. I’ve learned from many years of trial and error that I don’t make the best of roommates. In my perfect world, my husband would be my next store neighbor. We’d still be married, but we’d live next door from one another and would rarely sleep together in the same bed. This, however, is a topic for another day.)
The characteristics of a true friend
My true friends are people who know that I am a type A workaholic and who find this endearing. They know I tend to dream big, take on too much, and occasionally suffer the consequences in the form of burn out. When I’m sick, tired, and in need of a self-esteem transplant, they rarely say, “I told you this would happen. I told you that you were working too hard. See where this led you?”
No, they don’t say this, even though they might think it. Instead they give me the self-esteem transplant I need by reminding me of all I’ve accomplished and all that I will accomplish soon—once I allow myself to just take a few days off already.
These are people who know that I think parenting is quite boring and who do not judge me because of it. They are intrigued that I’m willing to tell just about anyone about my sex life, but they are not appalled.
They are capable of giving me an honest assessment of any given situation, but they know me well enough to not offer that honest assessment until I ask for it.
In three words: They get me. In seven more words: they love the woman that they get.
Who is a frenemy and why?
Frenemies (a combination of the words “friend” + “enemy”) are a different story. Despite the term, frenemies are not necessarily bad people. Most are capable of being wonderful friends, just not with you. A frenemy is someone you hang out with—either by choice (because you mistake the person as a friend) or by accident (you work with them, they hang out with your other friends, and so on).
Someone is your frenemy if:
- You feel tense when you think about the person.
- You can’t relax when this person is around.
- You have a hard time being yourself around this person.
- You don’t enjoy this person’s company.
- You are in dire need of a self-esteem transplant whenever you see this person.
It doesn’t matter why these things are true. It’s possible that this person is competitive with you. Maybe he’s always trying to get in the last word and one-upping your every story. Or perhaps your frenemy is a gossipy backbiter who will make fun of you as soon as you leave the room. She could also be one of those controlling types, the type of person who is always spouting off unsolicited advice. Perhaps this person is negative or sarcastic or any number of other characteristics that you worry might be contagious.
Yet, it’s just as possible that this person is perfectly nice and wonderful. You may be at a complete loss when you try to figure out why this person rubs you the wrong way. Her very presence may make you feel uncomfortable, but she’s not doing it on purpose! In fact, she may think you are the cat’s meow and desperately want to be your friend.
It doesn’t matter why someone is a frenemy. It just doesn’t. You can spend your time second-guessing yourself and feeling bad about your odd dislike of this person, or you can just do what I do. Trust your instincts. If you chronically feel badly whenever you are around this person, she’s not a friend. She’s a frenemy.
Friends don’t let friends hang out with frenemies
You do not have to pretend to be friends with your frenemies! This lesson took me a long time to learn. For years I hung out with people who did not make me feel good about myself. Then, one day, I asked myself, “If I was on my deathbed, would I want these people to visit me?”
The answer, of course, was no. During my last moments of life, I want to feel good. I want to be able to say whatever I want and be whoever I want. I want to be able to play my 80s rock and pop music and not worry about what the people around me think. I want to wear my fleece. I want to be able to crack my most off color, so-not-politically correct jokes.
I want to be me, and I want to feel the love in the room because I am being me.
It would be a small gathering, but I’m okay with that because everyone at this gathering would be my true friend.
Here’s the thing: you never know when you are going to die. I like to think I will have some warning, but who knows? I might be out at a gathering, have an aneurysm burst, and, just like that, my final moments will be upon me. Do I really want to be with a frenemy in that moment? No, of course not.
Refusing to hang with your frenemies does not make you a snob. It does not make you mean. It makes you you—the very you that your true friends love, honor and respect. Most important, it makes you happy.
How do you define a frenemy? How do you define a true friend? Do you hang out with your frenemies? Leave a comment.
For more advice on happiness, read the How to Be Happy series from the beginning.
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Tags: frenemies, friendship, how to be happy
February 23rd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
It was great to read this post. I had a frenemy for years. We were fairly close and at times I actually really enjoyed her friendship. But most of the time I experienced exactly what you described above. I would always feel worse about myself after talking to her. I finally let the friendship die out because it wasn’t worth it. Your post helped to affirm that I did the right thing.
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I have someone I refuse to allow to put one over on me . . . I find the behavior passive aggressive, if I had to nail down her essence . . . so I assume a proper level of detachment prior to interacting with her (we don’t hang out socially, just bump into each other often). We have the oddest of exchange, and move along.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Very nice delineations. I found myself nodding along, and filling in the blanks with names from my circle …
February 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
your ideas helped me in another way. a friend and I have been finding our way back from a serious misunderstanding. time is unfolding on that still, but your post helped me see that our friendship is true, whatever happens next,
February 24th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Fantastic post. I think we all have frenemies or maybe just people who are toxic in our lives. It’s good to keep it in perspective and know that other people struggle with this too.
I was just thinking today about a friend who I really like but who doesn’t know how to be a good friend. She doesn’t return phone calls, she cancels at the last minute, etc. She’s not a frenemy but she is unhappy in her life and not capable of being a good friend.
I decided not to put any more time into it. It’s too hurtful to call five times and not get a response. And even though I’m a bit sad about it, it feels good to decide to let it go, and concentrate my effort on people in my life who are as giving and kind as I strive to be. You know?
February 24th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Thanks for the post, Alisa (and to my real friend Jennifer for posting it on Facebook!). Definitely a topic I’ve thougth a lot about recently, since a frenemy (who didn’t think of as such until now), did some things to make it clear why she drove me so nuts. So thanks for helping me clarify this in my mind!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:51 am
I try to be honest in my interactions with people: civility for acquaintances and affection for friends. Most of the time no one is confused.
I agree it’s best to avoid someone who is clearly hurting you. But I do not expect friends to make me feel good all the time. Sometimes friends annoy, irritate and challenge me – but they help me see what’s right. I admire and value them for this.
Nor do I expect every friendship to be equal. My ideal is to give some of my time and affection to people who I find awkward, insensitive etc. because they are still good. I may not get a lot of enjoyment/fun out of these friendships but I think it’s important to reach out, and usually there is something to like about each person. I guess I would call this “being a friend” rather than “having a friend.” Other people have been good friends to me in this way and I hope to pay it forward.
Of course there are people I am most comfortable with, who I seek out just because I like them and they like me. This is obviously the best.
But most of us will need imperfect friendships too, the kind where someone is being a friend to us when we are not capable of reciprocating.
If I insisted on a high level of enjoyment and equal contribution in friendships, I might end up with a very short list of friends, and perhaps when I am most in need, I would find myself alone (because that’s when I’m a “drag” to be around).
The willingness to be an unrewarded friend is a sign of a truly decent and kind human being. And that person may receive back in unforeseen ways.
The perfect illustration of this is the movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life.” You may think it’s sentimental nonsense but I think it’s true.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I really love to read all your post. I just can realize Im not the only person who thinks that way. I have some frenemys and that include relatives ,right??
August 27th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Damn Straight! Especially about so called “friends” on Facebook or Myspace. Thanks for this post.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Brilliant; this article inspired me to send a spontaneous email to a friend of mine just to tell him that he rocks because I recognised him in all of the ‘true friend’ references.
I ended a friendship with a frenemy of nearly ten years, almost a year ago now, and it was one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself. TEN YEARS of frenmity? What was I thinking?