How to train a man to do housework
Q: My spouse sits on the couch and watches me cleaning like a cave girl high on Windex. Does he move? I wish I could hook him up to a battery charger. I just want a clean nice home, you know, one where I can open the door to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and my mother in law. I am searching for a formula that will work. There must be one. Am I fighting a losing battle? Should I surrender to the mess? — Seething Windex Wife
Dear Seething Windex Wife:
I hope it’s somewhat comforting to know that what you are going through is very common. Nearly all of the married women I know struggle with the same problem. “My husband is a hopeless slob” ranks pretty high on most women’s complaint lists, with “he can’t get his lazy ass out of bed to deal with the kids” and “he communicates his desire to have sex with me by rubbing his boner on my thigh” running a close second and third.
And there’s hope. I once had the same experience as you. I’d spend hours scrubbing my husband’s pee off toilet seats and removing his dirty underwear from the hallway floor. He’d occasionally look up from whatever was on TV and say things like, “Thanks for cleaning the house, honey,” assuming he noticed at all. Now, he unloads the washer, runs the vacuum, and picks up our daughter’s toys without being asked. And when he sees me cleaning, it’s an automatic trigger for him to get his butt off the couch and help.
Here’s what I suggest.
1. Try to see things through his eyes. He probably doesn’t see or care about the mess. Asking him to care about a clean house is similar to him asking you to care about the color and height of the grass in your yard. Women notice dust and fingerprints. Men notice crabgrass and yellow spots. It’s just one of those weird genetic differences between the sexes.
Most women are taught how to clean from a young age, too. My mother, for instance, had a dust rag in my hands by age 10, and she supervised my work. I also happened to work as a hotel maid one summer between my junior and senior years in high school.
My husband? His mother did everything in that house, and no one lifted a finger to help her. He did not work as a hotel maid, or any other job that would have taught him how to clean fast and effectively. I once showed him how to make hospital corners when making the bed. He stared at me as if I were from Mars, wondering why the heck anyone would care about making perfect corners in a set of sheets.
Cleaning makes many men-especially those who have not been taught how to do it-feel inadequate. It’s similar to how we women feel when we have to dispose of a rodent caught in a glue trap. Sure, we can do it, but we’ll avoid that poor critter for as long as it takes, in the hopes that our lovely husbands will take care of it first.
I’m not saying that you should just accept his slovenly lazy ways. I’m only saying that, if you learn how to understand it and see it from his perspective, it might help lower your anger a notch, so you can address the problem more civilly.
2. Understand the Law of Household Entropy. All houses naturally fall into a state of chaos over time. You simply cannot keep a house clean and orderly every moment of every day, especially if you have children or pets.
Because of the Law of Household Entropy, you must be willing to come to a compromise with your spouse. How much chaos are you willing to have? Do you want your entire house clean once a week, with it gradually falling into a state of complete disarray by week’s end? Or would you rather always have one room that is clean and presentable (that you clean up daily), and others that you let go most of the time (cleaning only in the moments just before the mother in law visits)? What types of household chaos bug you the most? Perhaps you are okay with dust but you really can’t stand having mold in your toilet. Once you understand what bugs you most, you’ll more easily be able to ask your husband for the help you need.
3. Think about why you value a clean house, and go beyond jokes about Jehovahs. How does a disorderly house make you feel? How does it affect your mood, energy, and sexual health? Being able to put this into words will help your husband to understand your point of view.
4. Hold an intervention. Sit down when you are calm (probably not while or just before cleaning). Talk about how a clean orderly house makes you feel: happy, stress free, calm, like having sex. Explain how you feel when you clean it up while he watches TV: unloved, taken advantage of, exhausted, angry. You might say, “I don’t like feeling taken advantage of. I don’t like feeling this way about you. I really want us to have a good relationship, and I really want to feel calm and stress free in my house. Can you help me with this?”
Then, get solution focused. Maybe he takes on some chores and you do others. Maybe you clean together. Be creative. Whatever you do, make sure your solution is specific. Remember: he’s blind to the mess. He needs an instruction manual, as in, “I would like you to pick up everything on the floor-including your empty beer cans, socks and banana peels-every night before you start watching TV.” Leave no room for misinterpretation.
5. Whenever you notice him cleaning, reward him. Hug him. Say, “Thank You.” Jump his bones. Make him want to clean again.
Tips for Training Really Stubborn Men
So, let’s say you do all of that and your man resists. Let’s say he claims, as my husband did initially, that he already does plenty of housework.
Hold a contest. Create a big chart and list all of the indoor and outdoor chores. Over a month’s time, check off which chores you complete and how long it takes to complete them. At the end of the month, compare results. I did this with my husband and it really blew him away. He truly thought he’d been doing more than he really was doing.
Here’s another excuse that might pop up. He might accuse you of being too uptight. For instance, he’ll whine, “I work hard. When I come home I just want to relax. What’s wrong with relaxing? Why do you have to always be working?”
This is when you tell him that you want to relax, too, and you just can’t when your house is messy. Ask him to help you come up with a compromise that will make both of you happy and relaxed. Maybe, for instance, the two of you clean the house while you are dressed up as a French Chamber Maid. Then, once the house is clean, the good lazy boy gets a nice reward.
Just saying. It might get you a really clean house. In fact, your husband might want to clean the house every night.
Do you have advice for Seething Windex Wife? Leave a comment.
Do you have questions for the Marriage Expert? Email them to me.
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Tags: housework
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
No vote for us single people? Try doing everything for yourself for years, and you will worship your spouse’s efforts.
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:22 pm
I’m sooooo lucky. My guy has much higher standards than I do. Sorry ladies, he’s been mine for 40 years.
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:56 pm
“You you want your entire house clean once a week, with it gradually falling into a state of complete disarray by week’s end?”
Wow, have you been to my house? We have a huge mantel that more or less takes up one wall of the living room. You can tell by how stuffed with crap it is which day of the week it is.
I seem to have married Mr. Lynn Jr. He’s probably reading this and grumbling about sexist blog writers.
It does seem like things run a lot smoother when both of us acknowledge each other’s efforts. He’s the tidy up/straighten up and yard guy, I’m the one that scrubs toilets and bakes bread (not at the same time). When we both feel appreciate that the other sees we’re doing a lot, just not the same things we are happy.
April 4th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I have had to designate my spouse a separate bathroom, into which I shall never venture. I had told him I’d do his laundry if he put it in the hamper, but since that never happened, he is stuck with doing his own clothes. I throw any of his stuff I find in the common areas, into his closet. It seems to be working better, than asking him for improvements to be made. I wonder why I can spend a whole day washing 8 loads of his laundry and putting it away with no acknowledgement, but he loads the dishwasher and he expects accolades. Why spend the time, when someone doesn’t even notice or care.
April 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
A number of people commented on my FB page about this post, mentioning that they were men who liked to clean or women who liked to be slobs. As much as I try to be somewhat gender neutral in my writing, I at times forget. My husband happens to be a stereotypical man, so I can, at times, forget that all men are not just like him. Thank you all for keeping me on my toes! The advice in this post, however, is still the same. If one of you is a so-called “clean freak” and the other is a slob, the communication tactics I describe here can help you reach a common understanding.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:38 am
[...] few men emailed me after I wrote How to Get a Man to Do Housework. They told me that they did the majority of the work around their homes, and that their wives were [...]
April 6th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I really liked this post. My issues has been though that he doesn’t clean because he says I don’t have a “real” job and therefore have more time to keep things neat. (I work from home.) While I understand he hates his 9-5, while I love my web design, I still work hard, put in at least an eight hour day then tackle chores. So I guess its a matter of try to compare apples to oranges. But sometimes I wanna do what Mollie does. Why try so hard when he’s not going to help clean up but he’s happy to contribute to the mess.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Thanks for this amusing blog Alisa! While I used to be so organized with everything labeled, & all was clean, now being married with young kids and wearing 2 business hats, I am thankful for my slightly OCD husband! He is now the one to have everything clean and put away. I’ve learned I cannot physically do it all and so have let go of my perfectionist self (well, I’m trying and succeeding in some areas anyway
. Thanks for your great and fun writing!
April 10th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
THANK YOU ALISA! A week ago I did this, I came upon this post on the EXACT day I was complaining that my husband wasn’t do a damn thing around our house and not only did I WANT help, but I physically NEEDED it, because I was exhausted! I think men in general, just don’t notice stuff that women notice (the toilet paper’s gone; I’d better replace it; oh, no garbage bag in the trash can, might want to put one in there, etc)…I think their minds (not to demean them) can only handle so much at one time; where as, we women tend to be able to multi-task and JUGGLE 100 things at once. Sometimes that’s a curse and/or a blessing-depending on the situation! But, I digress. The point is….last Friday night, after reading this post…I made a nice candlelit dinner and put on a nice outfit and had a heart to heart with my husband when he came home. I explained to him that while I appreciated his working so hard outside the home, I NEEDED his help inside the home too! And I told him that, like Alisa said, it’s hard for ME to relax or rest if/when the house is a mess. And that also, the more time I have to spend doing housework, the less time I have to spend with him…and we like hanging out together. Anyway, I didn’t bitch at him, or moan or groan…I simply stated my opinion and then we came up with ways to divy up the chores. We decided that we’d make lists; one for him, one for me–and we’d each get up to 5 items to put on that list. And that by Saturday night of EVERY week, those 5 things on our rsepective lists, needed to be done! It doesn’t matter when/how, as long as they’re done come Sunday morning. And lo and behold–yesterday, when I got home from being out all day–the entire downstairs of our house was CLEAN! He not only did the dishes, went through the mail and took the garbage out like I asked him (and put on his list), but he ALSO cleaned the half-bathroom, swept the floor (we have complete tile downstairs) and dusted. I was SHOCKED! But, last night after I asked why he’d done all that, he said “I don’t like seeing you tired, I wanted to see you tonight, not watch you cleaning, and you didn’t bitch at me, or nag me. And I appreciated that.” Don’t get me wrong, NOT nagging during this week was HARD…but I had to stick to what I HAD agreed to. And I did. And he did. And our downstairs is clean, ready for Easter Dinner guests on Sunday and we had an amazing time hanging out together last night! I think NOT bitching at our men goes a long way…I also think that, no, I KNOW, that Alisa’s advice HELPED tremendously! I followed a lot of her advice/suggestions–to the tee–and it worked! So, goodluck, ladies and gentlemen! Housework will ALWAYS be an issue for most people; MOST people don’t enjoy it…but the way I see it is: if I have a messy house, hey, at least I have a house…I have a roof and shelter and those dirty dishes meant I had food to eat! So, really, that’s a blessing! Thank you, Alisa, for your help/advice…it did wonders for my marriage this week! You rock and you proved once again, why I am such a loyal follower of your blog! Thanks for sharing your life/stories/advice! Have a great weekend, everyone!
Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
April 11th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Thanks Sarah! I’m glad it worked for you. I’ve heard from a few others as well. The “talk about it while you are calm” is key.
Regarding the TP roll: it took me a long time to understand that my husband just didn’t use as much TP as I did. Men usually only use it once a day or less often (if they are not regular or they take care of business at work). So they rarely get caught in the situation where they are sitting on the potty, getting ready to wipe, reach for the TP and then think, “Ooooooh Nooooooo.” I think that’s why they often forget to replace the roll. Just a theory though.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
The ball-and-chain got laid off 10 years ago. Now all she does is volunteer work, lunches with friends, cropping and bunco, we have Merry Maids come in once every other week. I’ve got 3 jobs, eat a sandwich at my desk each day, and when I get home all I see a crappy house.
She wants help? Get a job.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Really enjoying your blog. Chores is the number one thing my husband and I fight about. This is great advice.
July 16th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
So what happens when he complains about the house NOT being clean, but then refuses to do the housework because it should be “my job”? I swear guys….he even told our pastor that he wants a clean house but it’s up to me to get it that way. Granted, he’s helped out some since our pastor told him he was being absolutely ridiculous, but he still expects the house to be spotless and me to do most of the work!
July 19th, 2009 at 4:23 am
I’d be simply thrilled if Wifey would do anything to help around the house. I’ll be a paycheck she can’t remember the last time she ran a vacuum cleaner. I ask her for help, she says she don’t wanna. I say what the heck does wanting have to do with anything? I haven’t done anything I wanted to in my life. Always doing what I have to. It’s a meno thing. . .why God waits till this stage of my life to give me this to go through I’ll never know. Like to lost the house cause she didn’t wanna go back to work. Finally her sisters were able to talk her into it. Well the dishes are done and the washer’s a running. Wifey’s at work and I’m a sittin on my azz typing a post. 40 years of marital bliss, and now I don’t even know this woman. I don’t mind doing the chores, just wish she wouldn’t disagree with everything I say. No matter what I say she takes the opposite position. If I were a more controlling person I could really take advantage of this situation. Now I’m just looking for a part-time weekend job so bring in more money and stay outta her hair. This must be the “or worse” part of them vows I took long ago. Cheers, time to go move the laundry.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
My dear hubby used to everything in the house before we had kids; now we have 3 boys all under 4 that are when he won’t help. I work & go to school full time, still when I get home I have to take care of the kids, cooking, laundry, paying the bills and all. 2 weeks ago I asked to please do the laundry so I can go to bed in decent time (go to bed @ 0100AM to wake @ 0600AM) yet, he did not do it.. We have not say a word to each other since unless it has to do with the kids (get milk, did you feed him.. etc).. I don’t think he could care less about me. we have been married for 7 years, but I am already thinking of divorce… I sure do want more sex, but I am just too tired to be in the mood, and the fact is his attitudes toward my feeling turn me off… I am afraid I will file for divorce in a very near future….
PS.I don’t believe in divorce… but a marriage takes two
August 25th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
A perk for the single people…no one to pick up after.
I am happy to see I am not alone in the tidy house battle.
I will give these tips a try..
Thanks
August 31st, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Personally, I think sex should be given and received on it’s own merit, not used as reward or punishment for anything. Are we all living in a James Bond novel?
Why must we as women have to give treats to our husbands for doing what they should be doing anyway; as if we are training little boys or puppies? Who is praising us for our chores completed?
Frankly, their abdicating complete power to us unconciously is frustrating to me. I would prefer a relationship of side-by-side thinking rather than one walking several steps in front of or behind the other. The infernal game playing we do to win each other over during dating needs to be put into an album to be paged through occasionally and fondly reminisced by the two of you.
He as well as you needs to be interested in discussing and planning and trouble shooting. There is no aphrodisiac so strong as two people putting their heads together and working something out to both their satisfactions. Why do you think a lot of affairs are started during those burning-of-the-midnight-oil sessions at work? If they would be as involved at home that way instead of considering everything you say bitching, there would be more candlelight in the bedroom then oil burning in the office.
So, this goes for either gender who is guilty of dismissing the other because what they are saying just doesn’t seem important enough. Sit down and take time to LISTEN and PARTICIPATE!