11 Ways Sexting Hurts Your Marriage

I’ve gotten countless emails this week from people who are married to spouses who “sext,” which is the act of sending flirtatious messages via text message, email, Twitter, Facebook and so on. I wrote this post in response to the question, “Is this cheating? My spouse thinks this is harmless.”

  1. Just because you or your spouse do not define something as “cheating” doesn’t mean it can’t eventually bring your marriage to an end.
  2. Sexting is a form of flirting. Flirting is the first step in courtship. In fact, it’s what led to the two of you getting married. Would you feel comfortable if your spouse were actively courting someone else?
  3. Trust is an important ingredient to a happy marriage. Sexting destroys trust.
  4. If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse sitting right next to you, it’s probably not good for your marriage.
  5. As the saying goes: The grass is always greener where you water it. If you are sexting with someone who isn’t your spouse, you are watering the wrong lawn.
  6. By focusing your attention outside your home, you will end up neglecting what’s inside your home. Trust me: to keep it strong, your marriage will need all of the attention you can give it. Don’t waste your attention where it’s not needed.
  7. When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you hurt your spouse’s self esteem. A spouse who feels this way is eventually going to check out.
  8. When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you make it harder for your spouse to feel sexy. A spouse who doesn’t feel sexy isn’t going to want to have sex.
  9. When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you cause your spouse to feel unloved. If your spouse does not get the love she needs from you, she’s going to be more likely to search for it somewhere else.
  10. If you need a rush, try finding it with your spouse. The two of you can strengthen your marriage by solving this problem together.
  11. If you don’t feel sexy, try talking to your spouse about the problem. The two of you can strengthen your marriage by solving this problem together.

There is one way sexting can help your marriage. It’s this: do it with your spouse. Text “you are hot” to your spouse. Text “I can’t wait to see you naked” to your spouse. Everything you were thinking of sexting to someone else? Sext it to your spouse.


254 comments… add one

  • Red November 1, 2015, 9:35 pm

    I’m 34 and have been married for 7 years. I love my husband dearly and never wanted to hurt him with what I have done. We have 3 very young children. About 4 years ago my working relationship with my boss turned into flirting and sexting. My husband confronted me as he saw my texts and he contacted the other man. All ended. I get pregnant with my second and leave the job for another. I get pregnant with my 3rd… 2 years go by and I haven’t sexted. I have my 3rd baby.. I start drinking wine at night.. My husband pats no attention to me and is glued to his group texts with his guy friends. I’d scream for attention from him.. Would want to talk but nothing I had to say was important.
    One day I’m at work walking in the street and I bump into the man I used to text.

    I email him and we start talking via email and starts turning into racy emails again. I know that I got lost in this stupid game. 7 months go by and we decided that this has to end before it turns into something that’s not worth it.
    My husband finds some emails with pictures and drunk emails I sent him and now wants to divorce me. Help what can I do. He’s basically done with me. He’s the love of my life.

    • April November 9, 2015, 1:45 pm

      Have you tried being honest? I find it’s not always just a one way street. Yes what you did was wrong but you had needs that were not being fulfilled that he is not taking responsibility for either. Maybe write it all down and let him read it when he is ready.

      That being said, my ex husband ignored me and would flirt with other women. He would get into pretty graphic conversations with other women online and would go months without touching me. When I finally left he didn’t understand. It’s been 7 years and he still acts like I was the only one in the wrong for not being able to deal with being ignored.

      • Dan December 22, 2015, 3:17 pm

        Can you be more slanted in your views??

    • Tmx100 November 17, 2015, 1:18 pm

      As a husband that was HURT by a wife that did the same thing to me but after 37 years of marriage and with someone who I considered my BEST FRIEND.
      Now I might not be perfect I did nothing wrong! It was YOUR decision to cheat on your husband and not talk to him and demand that he pays more attention to you NOT his. He might be the love of your life but not your true lover. You deserve to be dumped.

      • Dan December 22, 2015, 3:22 pm

        Well said…. There is a stupidity in a lot of women today that have this idealized relationship in heads that the husbands will never live up to… No matter how good we treat them.

  • Joey November 23, 2015, 8:38 pm

    I have been with my wife for 14 yrs married 4 she chose to msg a guy from work some raunchy stuff things she had never said to me even planned to meet him wed when I went to work tells me it was harmless and had no plan to act on msges how do I trust again

    • Dan December 22, 2015, 3:26 pm

      You don’t… Leave, you’re making it easy for her to act with no consequences. In the long run, you will suffer self esteem issues and self respect issues.

  • Carolyn January 29, 2016, 4:23 pm

    God, I preferred life before whatsapp and facebook. I have encountered this problem too, and even though my partner promises he has stopped talking to the other woman, and i believe him as he leaves his phone lying around, I hate the sight of his god damn phone. It’s not even the same one he had before. but I still hate it! It took a while to try and get things back on track. I explained to him that I chat to men who are nothing more than platonic friends, even an ex. But my conversations are not innappropriate in any way. I bought him a book by Denis Hickey ” how to make a woman happy” and I can say it has helped a lot in the recovery of our relationship


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