11 Ways Sexting Hurts Your Marriage

I’ve gotten countless emails this week from people who are married to spouses who “sext,” which is the act of sending flirtatious messages via text message, email, Twitter, Facebook and so on. I wrote this post in response to the question, “Is this cheating? My spouse thinks this is harmless.”

  1. Just because you or your spouse do not define something as “cheating” doesn’t mean it can’t eventually bring your marriage to an end.
  2. Sexting is a form of flirting. Flirting is the first step in courtship. In fact, it’s what led to the two of you getting married. Would you feel comfortable if your spouse were actively courting someone else?
  3. Trust is an important ingredient to a happy marriage. Sexting destroys trust.
  4. If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse sitting right next to you, it’s probably not good for your marriage.
  5. As the saying goes: The grass is always greener where you water it. If you are sexting with someone who isn’t your spouse, you are watering the wrong lawn.
  6. By focusing your attention outside your home, you will end up neglecting what’s inside your home. Trust me: to keep it strong, your marriage will need all of the attention you can give it. Don’t waste your attention where it’s not needed.
  7. When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you hurt your spouse’s self esteem. A spouse who feels this way is eventually going to check out.
  8. When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you make it harder for your spouse to feel sexy. A spouse who doesn’t feel sexy isn’t going to want to have sex.
  9. When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you cause your spouse to feel unloved. If your spouse does not get the love she needs from you, she’s going to be more likely to search for it somewhere else.
  10. If you need a rush, try finding it with your spouse. The two of you can strengthen your marriage by solving this problem together.
  11. If you don’t feel sexy, try talking to your spouse about the problem. The two of you can strengthen your marriage by solving this problem together.

There is one way sexting can help your marriage. It’s this: do it with your spouse. Text “you are hot” to your spouse. Text “I can’t wait to see you naked” to your spouse. Everything you were thinking of sexting to someone else? Sext it to your spouse.


246 comments… add one

  • cat August 7, 2013, 8:33 am

    No Carol, there is nothing wrong with you, It is your husband who has the issues. Please stop blaming yourself or looking for the why’s it really is a waste of energy and worry. You are the one that now has to make the choice of weather you can trust him again or not no-one can make it for you. Yes it is hard, but there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

    • Larry January 8, 2015, 9:47 pm

      Let’s look at this from a different angle.I put everything into my marriage. I flirt,I compliment, I bought flowers still no sex. I sex text some one wife is mad now. Wow damn if do damn if I don’t. it amazes me you don’t want me to flirt with you, but you get mad when I flirt with someone else. Like I said damn if I do damn if I don’t.

      • RavSean January 11, 2015, 1:04 pm


        With respect, the one thing that you have not said that you have done is to ask your wife what is going on. Until you do that, you are simply looking outside for a solution without looking inside first.

        That being said, I firmly believe that sexting with someone other than one’s spouse is abusive behaviour. As well, making a unilateral decision to shut down the marital bed is also abusive. While one does not justify the other, it certainly places it in a context. Larry – please note that while the opening part of my response is sharply worded, and intended to be, I suspect that you have spoken to your spouse about this. Shutting down the bedroom is emotionally abusive. Your spouse should not do that.

        RavSean´s last blog post ..Je Suis Juif!!

  • Jan September 9, 2013, 8:35 am

    My husband loves to do sexting. He says he is just a flirt. Now he left me because he says he wants freedom to be on his computer without my interference. He says I don’t trust him. I never had actual proof, just suspicions until he left me. I accidentally found a text he wrote to his son’s ex-girlfriend which is very sexual and hurtful. He says he would not be faithful to me if he was still working. He is 68 and retired. He told her he wishes he was with her that night. He also said his sexual urges are hard to control and he loves all women; the taste, feel and smell of them. He had a prostate procedure about a year ago and said it left him without those urges. I guess they just left him without those urges toward me. I really love him and miss him. He says it is my fault he left because I didn’t respect him enough to trust him. I took the blame for a while but I don’t think this is MY problem. I think it is HIS. He left everything, beautiful home we built together and community/area he loves, friends and family, his valued wood working tools, tractor he loved to work on, 2 golden retrievers, ATV and a woman who loves him more than anyone else will. I am doing OK now after 6 weeks with the help of God and friends but I really miss him. I am actually happy at times but still feel half of me is missing sometimes.

    • jan September 9, 2013, 11:47 am

      Just add on to this. When will this hope for his return go away? He is making a new life now. Why can’t I? I didn’t do anything wrong but I am the one suffering. He left me with a farm to take care of 13+ acres to mow, garden, wood to get in for the winter, big house, etc. Is there something wrong with me as he says?

    • Piers Thompson December 20, 2014, 1:43 am

      my sexting drove my wife to an affair

      • Christina August 31, 2015, 1:38 am

        Thats what happened to me. My husband seemed distant for a while. We had some problems and always ended up fighting. I started talking to a guy as a friend online (just a friend was all I thought it was and all I planned on it being) He turned into a shoulder to cry on. He started asking me all kinds of things and trying to get to know me more. So I would ask him things to. Then one day he told me he was in love with me. It was only then that I realized this thing got to far. My husband found out. I tried to end the affair but it was hard to do at that point. This guy filled up the big hole in my heart where my husbands affections used to be. So when I wasn’t talking to this other guy, I felt that pain all over again. shortly after that I found out that two months prior my husband had been sexting another woman he met on an online game. He says it was a one time thing and that they weren’t emotionally involved but Idk, my trust is broken now so I don’t know whether I should believe it hasn’t been more than just sexting or not. When I saw he was doing it before I was, I went back to talking with the other guy. I was so mad and thinking about separating from him. After all the problems we had and I have forgiven him and stuck by him and then he does that?? I was livid and I didn’t care. Why would I deny myself feeling loved and cherished for someone who does that? That was the wrong decision though. Affairs are never the answer.

    • T March 14, 2015, 10:30 am

      When a man says, “You don’t trust me enough.” You shouldn’t. That’s what I’ve learned. A man who’s doing what’s right, would be more than happy to let you prove yourself wrong as you go on a hunt. IN fact, he’d be happy to rub it in. I wish my husband had something to rub in my face. But after less than two months of marriage, and three times of being a “helicopter wife” and not trusting him, turns out he has a major porn addiction and in fact was NOT a virgin when we got married as he claimed throughout our dating and engagement. It was not assumed; this is what he verbalized to me.

      Honey, you’re on it. You are RIGHT! You are not the problem. Trust IS the issue, but because he’s the one breaking it.

      Denial’s a bitch.

      Good luck to ya.

    • SimonsMom March 23, 2015, 8:38 pm

      My husband was cheating with other women for over a year. I never had any clue this was going on behind my back. He died suddenly after Christmas in 2013, and it was a very painful surprise to see his emails and personal cards & letters from the many women he was playing Around with. This has hurt me so deeply and its hard to forget the pictures and words he wrote to many women telling them he loved them. He was not the man I thought I married. His betrayal won’t be easily forgotten.

      • rl May 17, 2015, 1:48 am

        I wonder if you eve still check back here. I am hoping so. I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband of 30 years has been having a day time fling and evening sexting etc.. for the last 3 years. She is one year older than our son. He would come home and little interaction with me and his grown boys (28 & 30) he is 50. But then spend hours on the computer with her. Well we are 3 weeks into the trying to work it out and tonight he dropped the bombshell that of course they would send naked pics to each other. She works for his company and there is no fraternizing (i can only assume sexting falls under that. I was on the verge of trying to work things out a 3 time before he told me this. Now I just want to vomit. How did you ever heal?

      • Christina August 31, 2015, 1:48 am

        So sorry to hear that. You know human beings can be all kinds of complicated. It sucks that you won’t be able to get real answers but you know, sometimes people have problems and do things they wished they weren’t. I think sex addiction can be as bad as drug addiction. Its entirely possible he still valued your marriage and loved you despite HIS problem. I capitalize “his” to say that you should not take any of his issues on yourself by thinking, he didn’t love you enough or you didn’t do something right or he was just a jerk or whatever thoughts you’re having. Just realize he very well might have been a man who although he loved his wife, had a problem he chose to act on. Much love to you. I can only imagine how hard that would be but the future had not yet begun and all pain is temporary. You never know what lies ahead of you.

      • Christina August 31, 2015, 1:54 am

        Simons mom, You know human beings can be all kinds of complicated. It sucks that you won’t be able to get real answers but you know, sometimes people have problems and do things they wished they weren’t. I think sex addiction can be as bad as drug addiction. Its entirely possible he still valued your marriage and loved you despite HIS problem. I capitalize “his” to say that you should not take any of his issues on yourself by thinking, he didn’t love you enough or you didn’t do something right or he was just a jerk or whatever thoughts you’re having. Just realize he very well might have been a man who although he loved his wife, had a problem he chose to act on. Much love to you. I can only imagine how hard that would be but the future had not yet begun and all pain is temporary. You never know what lies ahead of you.

  • Lawrence October 31, 2013, 2:33 pm

    I’ve been searching the web trying make sense of the train wreck my relationship has turned into because of sexting. I confronted my girlfriend of two years about it not long ago – I was suspicious of one of her male friends, and had to see if my gut was accurate so I hacked her iPhone. I found snippets of a text message (her to him) that proved to me they had been exchanging inappropriate texts. This was three weeks after I found facebook chats that weren’t so bad, but bad enough – making jokes about an affair they had about 20 years ago.

    He lives in a different city and I am 99% sure it has not been physical (at least since we’ve been together)

    Her explanation: they both have a dirty sense of humour and it’s just the way they talk.
    His explanation: the same (I contacted him and threatened to send the info to his wife for a second opinion if it happened again)

    I told her after the first time she got an inappropriate text that she should discourage it.
    After the facebook messages, I asked her again to discourage it, and she said she did. 3 weeks later, I find the iPhone snippets. “I can’t do this now. Too many people around the office. Contact me later. I miss my dirty partner in crime.”

    She was enraged that I would snoop in her phone, and did her best to turn the blame on me (though she did admit wrong doing, but could not explain to me why she did it). I called the guy and that made her even madder. I told her “I just want it to stop. Maybe now he knows I’m serious.”

    I am reluctant to blame her, because I really believe she is a good person. She has blocked him on FB, and deleted him from her phone, but the urge for me to snoop again is overwhelming. I am a mature, non-jealous person. She is beautiful, and meets all kinds of people in her profession and has never given me any reason to be jealous or concerned except with this friend who she has known since high school (we are mid-40s).

    We had a great thing – a once in a lifetime thing – and I feel now it is changed for good. Great sex life. Loving and generous relationship. No money problems. No drama (until now). I don’t bring it up, and neither does she, but I still think about it all the time.

    1. Should I bring it up if it still bothers me?
    2. Am I justified to snoop again?
    3. Why did she do it?

    • Jana August 14, 2014, 3:22 pm

      I do not know about your situation but I am in your wife’s shoes. I love my husband very very much. But I have done a bad thing by sexting and he has been hurt by what I have said as what was said to me. It felt so hot at the time and I lost my head of what I was doing to my husband. I have cut off contact with the guilty party but he will call my work place and I am civil but I don’t talk about anything non work related but I can tell his voice that he is trying to pull me back. I cannot stand the idea of losing my husband over someone I do not even care about.

  • Audri November 1, 2013, 4:48 am

    That comment above is probably bullshit sorry -.- but im tired of people posting your fake ads. Please stop! Everyone on this site had been hurt by betrayal and we dont need an ad bugging up from real honest people asking for help or wanting advice or a shoulder to lean on!

    • Calvyn August 14, 2014, 1:57 pm

      I dont think its fake. I am having the same problem too

  • Audri November 1, 2013, 4:54 am

    And Jan, i think a person should love you for who you are and not what you have . If he cant treat you like you deserve to be treated, then dont drag yourself down because hes not satisfied. He doesn’t deserve you!!

  • Audri November 1, 2013, 5:03 am

    Lawrence, let me give you my opinion, if thats ok?. .

    Ok, i think if the friend bothers you, if shes a loving wife, she would stop talking to him the way she does (sexually) to prove that you should be the only person she should be doing that too. And if she continues to do it than im sorry but she has a big problem >you both do<. Nothings wrong with you evrr unless you commit some kind of negative behavior without a reasonable explanation or they have a deep lust problem. Im also sorry this happened to you

  • jo November 4, 2013, 4:36 am

    i recently found out my partner of 18 months had been sexting an 18 year old he’s 42, but it was when i found the 3 pics of her private area that she had sent him and that he returned the favour with one of his that i now have trouble dealing with, i was so angry that i sent her some real nasty texts from his fone making out that i was him, he has said he stuffed up and that he was sorry and it wont happen again but every time he picks up his phone i start to wonder if he is back at it, At this stage i don’t trust him and he knows it as i told him and that he let me down as well , I just don’t know what to do anymore any suggestions please

    • Lawrece December 1, 2013, 6:40 pm


      I got some very good advice from someone who went through the same thing as I did (and you did). They told me the “not knowing part” might never go away, and you have to be prepared to live with it if you decide to work through it. They also told me to concentrate on myself for a while – got o the gym, get a tan, spoil myself in some way so i can feel better about myself. It helped me. But not knowing the whole truth still hurts.

  • RavSean December 1, 2013, 8:32 pm


    He got you to cosign for a loan? Be very careful here. Be very careful here. Student loans do not go away over night.

    If you place yourself in a position of being his emotional support through his problems with his wife, he has no reason to work on those problems.



  • hazelrunner February 22, 2014, 10:46 am

    I need some advice. I’ve been married nearly 5 years and been together almost 6 years. We are both soldiers. I am the active duty and he is the reservist. He got activated this past summer. He was set to deploy. He left in october and came home for 5 days for Thanksgiving. and He got a 4 day pass during christmas. I fly to the eastcoast to visit him. We we’ve had a few hiccups here and there mainly about his ex wife. He doesn’t shut up about her. Dec 2012 he got really drunk and texted her at 3am asking her is she still had any feelings for him. She didnt reply to his text , she called me the next morning instead. I flipped the fuck out of him. I forgave him and we moved on. He claims that he didn’t remember to texting her that night. Anyways he’s been gone for 6 months. Our marriage has grown stronger than ever. or so thats what i thought!

    Last weekend of Nov 2013 we had a yellow ribbon event in TX that his unit was having for the soldiers and families. Saturday night we all went out to the club and got really drunk. My husband was about to fight some locals. I stepped in between him and he pushed me…I lost it! He’s never put his hands on me. Well one of his soldier from his plt got a cab and rode with me to the hotel. Next morning we laughed the incident off, but he asked me tons of questions. My husband wanted to know if I has done anything at all with this other soldier. I said umm no why? He said he just had to ask because that soldier really thought I was attractive.

    Anyways my husband didnt wind up deploying he got medically sent home two 1/2 weeks ago. Well I see a psychitrist weekly. Last Friday she wanted me to talk about my husband. She got me talking, and the more I talked to more I was like WTF is wrong with me!!!!

    I went home that night and I couldn’t get the racing thoughts out of my head. I waited til my husband went to bed. Something told me to browse through his phone just to resolve the racing thoughts!! I didn’t expect to find what I found. He and his superior , the female soldier that partied that saturday night in TX with us. Their text messages were nothing but flirty filled with sexual innuendos. We’ve always told each other everything.

    Well that night after I got a cab back to the hotel, she tried to kiss my husband. People get drunk and sometimes that shit happens. They shouldve told me about it. No my husband goes on to text her that he almost kissed her back by had to stop himself. WTF? A few other texts between the two that stood out to me… He lied about paying for his ex wifes boob job, he went on to say that its only fair that he gets to see them at least once since he paid for them. Well he lied, he didn’t pay for them I asked his ex. And why the hell is he even talking about his ex wife, and continuously about her boobs??? Is he not over her? What am I supposed to do? I can deal with him not being over her? Then another text the female goes on to say that she was the cheater, has been cheated on, and was the other woman. That she might not be a good wife, but she is a loyal friend. And that every classy woman treads the line with flirting. My husband responds “thats why your one of my favs” ???? I don’t know how to process everything. He is such a fucking hypocrite. When we go to the bar, god forbid another man try and conversate with me while waiting on our drinks, or how dare another man compliment my outfit, boots, etc. He also texted the female soldier about how he lost weight and that she would be the first one to rate his abs. He also would say stuff like “hold on im taking my clothes off. Im sleeping naked.” Why the hell would he be telling her this shit? And he would also tell her about things that we did sexually. I was on the plane, waiting to take off. He sent me a picture of his penis saying “Im ready!!!” and I had a younger guy sitting right beside me that saw the picture when I did and laughed and grunted and OMG I was so so embarassed. He told her about it. Then in between text he they would talk about me, telling her how hard it was to say goodbye to me, that he was crying etc. Why would be talk about me like this and do do and say what he did to her? Why Can a guy zone in and help me understand? WTH is wrong with this picture? I confronted the female soldier while she is overseas..I threatened to take her rank and reputation as well as his. He was very apologetic. She said nothing never happened, the texts were not what they seemed. That she stopped communicating with my husband when he crossed that line. I told her to never ever text, facebook, call, or mail , she best not ever communicate with my husband in any way or her military career would be poof!!! The thing is his ex wife is a nightmare. lol Sorry. I’m 10 to her 3. We are completely in two separate categories. Same with this female soldier she is approx 5ft a little butterball ompaloompa looking woman with a whoville nose! I never felt nor do I feel intimidating by these woman. Why the fuck would he risk losing me? He wasnt my type when we met, long story. WE was just supposed to be friends. Over time I fell in love with him, and his looks grew on me. So now I am physically attracted to him, but only because Im deeply in love with this fucker. I don’t know what to say, what to think, or what I should do. We have two young kids under the age of 3. Any advice, concerns, any anything is better than nothing! Please help me figure out what I should do next. We havent spoken about it since I found out 8 days ago. He thinks if we dont talk about it , that it will go away. Thats far from the truth. The longer we go without talking about it, the more thoughts race through my head. You know when a woman getting to thinking..it isn’t a good thing! I love this man, but I wont allow him to disrespect me or our marriage anymore. >( what do I do, we have to toddlers, hes an awesome day, but slacking as a husband. I know Im out of his league, is that the problem? Are we not meant to be. Oh and I forgot to mention that we are nearly a decade apart in age. Im much more mature than my age though.

    • rl May 17, 2015, 2:07 am

      I will be turning 50 years old this year. not a an old bag fit attractive the younger men still look, i still have younger interest. My husband and I have been together for 32 years and now have to fine young men turning 30.
      The reason I tell you this is that your husband sounds much like mine. I was home with the children and took his flirting with a grain of salt. We divorced about 10 years in but I let hime come back “for the children” It only continued to grow worse and more secretive over the years. Now as I approach my 50 th birthday I have now found out that my 50 yo husband has been carrying on during lunch and before work with a 31 year old child. (remember the ages of my boys?!?) the more i found out the larger the lies, his secret bank accounts, amazon to buy secret things, credit cards, mornings with her children before school. He had this entire second life going right under my nose. Lots of time on the computer. By the time it began to wash out I discovered 10k of our savings for our “grandparent house” house been used to keep up the girl. To top it off I found out they have been sexting…….my brain equates it as porn of one of my sons friends. I now want to vomit. The advice I have for you. Run do not walk. If they get by with an inch they will take a mile and you will be 50 trying to pick up the pieces. Hit the reset button for yourself now and find a GOOD therapist. Not all of them are good, keep looking until one clicks with you.
      No matter what your childrens ages are they will be hurt. I really feel that the earlier the better. Not so many holidays etc… I wish you the very best of luck. Take care of yourself and your children.

  • Desiree Foreman May 6, 2014, 10:46 am

    Well I just found some naked pictures of another woman and my husbands phone. Yea she lives like 3 hours aways. She is also married. I was told they was just friends. My husband is 29 & she is 45. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do? I feel that I need to tell her husband. But then I will get yelled at for digging in his phone. Sexing is cheating because it seems like you are always thinking about that person instead of your spouse!! What should I do? I love him but want this to stop.

    • Living the Pink May 6, 2014, 2:39 pm

      Do what I did. Go through your cell phone bill find her number and then confront him about who the number belongs to. Then…email the b***h and tell her to stop sending pictures of herself or you will inform her husband. That way you can’t be accused of going through his phone. Because my husband was smart and deleted all the pictures and messages as he received them. So my cell phone bill was the only way I found out. Going through your spouses phone shouldn’t be an issue if they have nothing to hide.

    • Jan September 21, 2014, 9:05 am

      I am going thru the same thing. My husband is bipolar. It seems like every time he hits a manic phase we go thru some type of infidelit. Right now it is sexting, dirty messages, pictures, videos, talk about meeting. I don’t think that it has been physical yet, but that is where this stuff leads right. I am a nurse. I work with mental health patients. I know bipolar people are promiscuous and don’t do well in relationships. We have been together for 10yrs. We have a son. I am pregnant and due in November. This has hit me hard. I am hormonal anyways, and now my self esteem is nothing. Idk what to do. I love him, but I/we do NOT deserve this. I am a good woman, wife, mother, nurse. I love sex, our sex is amazing. He knows that I know. He says it is ok bc they live out of state….like I believe that. He says he hasnt and wouldnt actually cheat, but this is cheating. I even entrapped him with a fake email and alias. He fell for it immediately, I revealed myself, we talked…..even tried to role play thru that email. It helped for a lil while, but he is back at it. I can’t afford to leave, not money wise, but so much goes into it and with a young son and a baby soon coming….I am lost and very hurt. I just feel stuck. I have cried too much, wandering where I went wrong, but It is NOT us!!! We are not alone.

      • Nevermore December 8, 2014, 6:18 am

        Do not worry, Jan, karma is a b^*&^tch – and will get your hubby straight in the balls.

  • Shannon A. May 17, 2014, 10:05 am

    Hello everyone… I really need some advice… I’ve been married for seven years now.. The other day I was going through my husbands phone to try to forward a dance showcase that he recorded of our daughter.. Well when I typed in his password his messages popped up and they were empty.. I found that very odd. I have been feeling some type of way about that so I googled how to get text messages and it bought me to this spy app. So I installed it on his phone without him knowing about it.. To be honest I really didn’t think that it was going to work… So the next morning I checked the website for the spyware and nothing out the ordinary was on his phone… I took a nap at around 2:45 that afternoon and woke up around 5 to give my husband a chance to relax we have 7 children and it was his turn… Before I went to get the baby I was going to uninstall that app cause I felt guilty for doing that behind his back.. 4 new messages popped up so I opened them and BOOOM right in my face was messages… The first one was from this number that I didn’t know and it said …….. I miss you….. My husband then replied… I miss you too but I’m with my wife right now so when I get free I will text you later okay big butt wet tight p****… I got up grabbed his phone and started looking for the messages and nothing…. He erased them.. I confronted him about it and he tried to lie about it saying that I was the person that was sending him messages through a fake number… I was over the hill mad by then… Then he went ahead and confessed about texting this woman who is 17 years older than me and ten years older than him I’m 30. He said that that is just the way they talk to each other that it was nothing… This woman also worked with him until 3 weeks ago she got fired for stealing…. He said that he was about to tell her to stop texting him. But if someone wanted to break something off they would not start a conversation with I miss you too and put what he did in it…. He physically cheated on me 6 years ago when I was pregnant… We were going through a rough patch and I asked him to leave. I didn’t know that he cheated until about 2 weeks later we had a deep conversation about him coming back home and he told me that he had sex with this other woman only 2 weeks after he left… It took a long time but I forgave him on that… I’m stuck right now… To be honest I don’t believe that he didn’t have sex with this woman because the details of that small text is too intimate and personal for him not to ever had sex with her.. I don’t trust him anymore and I probably never will.. I don’t know if I should stay with him… Is it wrong of me to want to keep that app on his phone so I could know what’s going on? He is also against me reinstalling it on there… I really need some advice.. I’m so heartbroken, embarrassed, angry and disgusted… I need some opinions …….

    • cat May 18, 2014, 9:18 am

      No one can tell what to do, you have to make the right choice for you. but if you dont think you can ever trust him again, then that answer your own question. Why are you embarressed he did wrong not you. What you need to do is forgive yourself then you can start making right choices for you. good luck xxx

  • John smith June 29, 2014, 10:47 pm

    I have just found that my partner had been sexting a male she was friends with, and sending nude photos of herself. I call this cheating, and I am torn with where to go from here.

    • RavSean July 13, 2014, 9:02 am

      I agree with you that it is cheating. The question you need to answer is whether or not you trust her not to visit this abuse on you again.

      Good luck.


      • Lawrence July 13, 2014, 8:03 pm

        I posted here in October about finding texts on my gf;s phone. We got over that hurdle, but it happened again 8 months later. You have to ask yourself if you can live with it happening again. because it probably will.

  • Sue July 20, 2014, 9:29 am

    Caught the man I’m in love with & supposed to be marrying sexting with a woman he met on a dating site. We just finalized our wedding & reception plans 2 days ago & now this. How can he say he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me?! He certainly wasn’t thinking about me at all when he was sexting with her!!!

    • Jan September 21, 2014, 9:18 am

      I say, DO NOT get married!!! It doesn’t stop. You need to weigh your options bc it hurts more than you can imagine. Get out now

      • GuestII October 9, 2014, 6:11 am

        Don’t marry him. You deserve better.

  • michelle July 26, 2014, 4:43 pm

    I found messages on my partners phone to a single mother he and his friends meet up with for drinks when they go to football matches in scotland.we have 3children and been together for 20 years.i feel worthless with no desire for sex.he admitted it but deleted all messages i feel cheated as he wouldnt show qat he sent he about stopping it .i cannot look a him same way i have stopped eating its driving me crazy should i give up on him.he was my life now i see him as a liarI found messages on my partners phone to a single mother he and his friends meet up with for drinks when they go to football matches in scotland.we have 3children and been together for 20 years.i feel worthless with no desire for sex.he admitted it but deleted all messages i feel cheated as he wouldnt show qat he sent he about stopping it .i cannot look a him same way i have stopped eating its driving me crazy should i give up on him.he was my life now i see him as a liar

  • Audri August 1, 2014, 7:36 am

    This is the third time ive caught my husband sexting, im tired of it, im 35 weeks pregnant, going to college at night, take care of his children from a previous marriage and im just lost. Hes been saying where and when to meet up with these other females on an app on his phone while hes at work and while im at school. I dont know if there is anymore room for trust, i wish these things never happened to us, why!!! Why do we have to be the ones to feel this way, no one should it hurts too fucking much, my heart hurts, adrenaline pumps throughout my body just reading all the painful words they exchange to eachother, it makes me want to just lay down and die honestly. All of this trauma has even changed my way of living and raising my step daughters, im starting to become sexist and i dont know where to get help from.

    • RavSean August 1, 2014, 7:55 am

      Hi Audri…

      Knowing where to get help is the second question you must answer. The first question is what kind of help you need. Do you need help maintaining this abusive marriage and perhaps fixing it? Do you need help coming to terms with ending it? Do you need help ending it. The answer to this question, and the three questions underlying it, will tell you where to go for help.

      Good luck.


  • Audri August 1, 2014, 7:39 am

    I apologize for the language

    • Joni August 10, 2015, 7:08 pm

      Ive been sitting here on my back porch reading everyone’s posts for hours and I have to say I am both saddened and sickened at the same time. Whatever happened to when ppl were loyal to each other! If your not happy don’t cheat by sexting just simply leave. I’ve been through this situation myself ladies and I knew I deserved better. Men and women who behave in this way to the person they are suposto love are disgusting! Men like this literally make me sick. There are fifty million men out there ladies who would not treat you this way!! My husband always was messaging other women and said it wasn’t cheating but it is!! You are all worth more than u know. Get some self worth and esteem and leave!! Show those mother fuckers that your not going to sit there and be treated that way. Take back your balls. Be strong independent women. Once you leave even though it may hurt you will see it’s the best decision you have ever made. Dating and meeting other men is so much fun. Be strong. It’s priceless the look on their faces when you say no more!! And walk away. Dumbasses they look so dumb. Get up and do it!! Today!! No one deserves to be abused like that. Find a man that will treat u like the queen you are. I left four years ago and my ex husband is still apologizing for treating me that way. He never thought id leave. They truly don’t understand what they had until it’s gone. Leave! Go out go have fun ladies :-) :-) be independent. You have it in you I promise! Your stronger than you know. Show them bitches who has the balls now. I’m telling u their reaction will be priceless that in itself is worth it. Let them go be douche bags some where else by themselves. Once u do it you’ll see you’ll be so much happier and you’ll say what the hell was I thinking? Why did I stay so long. I’ve been there. I love u all and hope u can find the self worth and courage to leave.

      • Anne September 15, 2015, 4:59 pm

        Best news I’ve read all night cheers

  • Audri August 1, 2014, 7:40 am

    I apologize for the language,

  • Siobhan August 7, 2014, 2:18 am

    My husband was acting weird just this passed weekend.. I was going to my parents house with my two sisters who live with us and we were staying there for the weekend, he usually hates when I leave him, he’s always begging me to stay and hurry home blah blah but this weekend it seemed like he was looking forward to it which was strange for me.. so while I was at my parents house he called me as usual throughout the day I checked his location through his “find my iphone” app and he was home all day and then he called to say good night he was going to bed at around 12:30. I decided before I went to bed at 1:30 to check his location one last time to be certain that he wasn’t up to anything fishy and BOOM he was at an apartment building which his friend has asked him to house sit occasionally check in for 3 weeks while he is in Europe. It is also his old building that he used to live in and he does have friends there but I wondered.. why would he say good night to me and then not go to bed? So I started snooping through his facebook messages and I found messages between him and another girl talking dirty to eachother about the sex they used to have over 10 years ago and how they should make plans and meet up to fuck again and where/when did they make plans to fuck? At his friends apartment the weekend that I will be at my parents house!!!! And that is exactly where he was that night after he said goodnight to me. I confronted him and he denied having sex with her.. he even denied being at his friends apartment for a couple hours Saturday night after he said goodnight to me but after a while he came clean and said “look.. I was at the apartment building that night but I didn’t want to tell you because I was hanging out with my friend Felix and we did a few lines of coke together, I know you’re going to be mad so I lied.. but I swear on my life nothing happened with this woman!! We were just messaging eachother and being stupid playing a game that we both knew was never going to go anywhere” He’s very apologetic and swears he will never play with fire every again … this was his first time I think.. he forgot how smart I am, but part of me is like UGGHH what if he really was fucking this woman that night? It’s driving me nuts!

    • RavSean August 10, 2014, 7:30 pm

      I cannot imagine being excited that you will be gone for the weekend so that he can drop a couple of lines of coke.

      Neither can I imagine that dropping a couple of lines of coke is a better thing for him to have been doing.

      I suppose that if I had to pick one of two marriage-enders, I would probably rather my spouse had the affair. At least it does not put my kids in danger.


  • co August 10, 2014, 9:18 pm

    My husband, thinks it is okay to talk to every female he has met on holiday as if she were a potential girl friend,,,even though he is married,,,he says I am provincial because I am American and not british

  • nat August 19, 2014, 2:45 pm

    I understand NO ONE can help anyone out or tell anyone what to do in this situation. We all know in our heart’s what to do about it. I find it’s not easy when there’s a loving child involved.. What I wanna know is how can people think it’s okay to do this too the one person they claim to love???? ( if anyone can answer my question that would be a huge help) I can’t wrap my head around this at all it’s eating me up inside. I know I’ve been in this situation for A LONG TIME NOW. Every time I comfort him about it he say “oh I’ll stop I promise I love you and I do wanna lose you” we all know it’s bullshit. I’m at the end of my rope… I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!

    • Lou September 24, 2014, 2:49 pm

      So sorry
      Having just discovered my wife has being doing this behind my back for 3years and with people close to us
      I investigated have the evidence but still she refuses to fess up…..it is an addicition they need professional help
      Like a drug addict never confesses
      In bible it’s says forgive me my sins… Keep remembering that and get them help
      Or you have to leave !!!!!

  • Gary August 23, 2014, 3:54 pm

    My wife plays a yoworld game and has a fake facebook account in which she pretends to be a younger woman. She is dirty on the game and has several boy friends on the account. In reality she is 51 but portrays to be 22 on her account and the game. I have told her this bothers me a great deal and she insists she is just being silly and having fun. Should this be a concern on my part, and should I let it go? She refused to stop when I requested it saying I was being a control freak.

    • val August 23, 2014, 7:31 pm

      Gary if it bothers you and she won’t stop you have to ask yourself are you willing to love her and have her disrespect you. I’ve been in a marriage that was pretty bad with my husband disrespecting me and after awhile things in my heart and mind have changed forward our marriage. Nothing seems to be important to me or even matter now. I question everyday why I am still here

  • ms. Parker September 17, 2014, 6:02 am

    I, Mrs.Parker caught Mr. Parker in adultery with his bestfriend girlfriend. but when I asked him what was they talking about he brushed me off

  • Lou evans September 23, 2014, 6:04 pm

    I have just found out my wife is sexting to at least 2 people maybe more
    She is completely denying it and I think sexting is an addiction
    She sends pictures of her intimate parts and complete flight-day and night and even when caught by another partners wife and warned off she started again after 2 months -she has been at it for 4 years
    During this period our marriage has descended into arguments and turmoil
    Which started first is difficult to say but both the other men were married and it is without doubt cheating
    I forgive her but of course it is impossible to forget and that is what will probably be the end of our marriage which is going to be a crying shame
    Once found she stopped texting but she has carried on using Facebook
    Facebook powerful, wonderful but it can also be the tool of evil

    • Jan September 23, 2014, 6:54 pm

      It is evil. My husband does this too. I have asked him to stop. He then switched to emails and some website. Idk what to do. I feel hurt, betrayed….he says he will stop, but then keeps on and gets mad at me for asking him to stop. I learned today that he has 103 contacts he sexts with. It is a matter of time before it goes full blown affair bc he will get bored. It breaks my heart. I am gaining amunition in case I decide to leave as we have 2 small kids. I would understand if I was a lump on a log, but I think I am pretty versatile in the bedroom with ideas and stuff. I am hurt and torn

      • Lou September 24, 2014, 6:51 am

        I totally feel for you
        I think you have to threaten to leave -or maybe even go to your mothers saying you are having a shirt break to force him to fess up about it all and stop it
        Get all the info first
        Best of luck

  • George September 25, 2014, 2:07 pm

    Technology, unfortunately in this type of situation, is nothing but trouble. I tried to confront my wife about her texting/sexting a co-worker, and she blew up pretty much indicating that it was no big deal. No big deal? I can’t disagree more. You are sharing the best pieces of yourself (even if not physical) with someone else for a thrill. A thrill that should be limited to your marriage. Just my humble opinion.

    I love my wife, I love my family – but having to deal with this is killing me.

  • shanon October 13, 2014, 1:37 am

    Hi I am going through the same thing. I found a lot of chats from my husband and his secretary while they were sitting in the office. Very Nasty stuff being said for 2 months. I had caught him 4 years ago texting someone. We have been married 9 years. I’m devastated after reading all they said. I also found him on a dating site. He says that. I never gave him enough attention. I asked why he didn’t leave me then and he said he thought I might change. I have no self esteem I’m heartbroke. Don’t know what to do. He says he needs get help to see why he does these things. Any advice?

    • RavSean October 13, 2014, 6:52 am

      So the first thing he did was to blame you for what he did. Nice.

      He needs to get help. This is for sure. One reader, as part of the fixing process, made sure that his wife had complete remote access to all of his electronics – cell, computer, etc.

      Please note that this is his problem. It is not because you are not a good spouse or because you are not giving him enough attention. He did this.

      That being said, you really want to be part of the process of fixing the problem, if that is what you want to do. You are both married to each other. You have stake in the game. Insist on joint marriage counseling. Make sure that the counselor is willing to see you both together and separately. There should be measurable steps on the goal to fixing the problem. Grand gestures will not solve this. It is a long process of little steps.

      Good luck!


  • zazto December 17, 2014, 9:57 am

    caught hubby sexting his co worker. trying to work through it. but gosh am so hurt right now….. i dont think i will trust him again

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  • missy December 28, 2014, 7:10 pm

    Just found out my husband who is 48 has been sexting a 21 year old several states away. Not only her but lots of other women. I’m devastated that he has lied to me so much, I don’t think I can ever trust him again. He claims it’s compulsive behavior that he can’t control. Heartbroken. We’ve only been married a year and a half. He says it’s not me it’s the excitement he gets doing it.

  • Nicky December 28, 2014, 8:18 pm

    I just caught my husband sexting some woman while he was lying in bed next to me. I was lying still in the dark unable to fall asleep. I guess he thought I was sleeping. He says ‘it’s not what i think it is’…Original, huh? I just picked up my pillow and have come to spend the night on the couch. I feel so hurt, i can’t even cry. Just feels like there’s a black hole in the middle of my chest. We’ve had a rough time in the past couple of years and I go to sleep most nights feeling lonely and sad. I’ve told my husband time and again that we should talk just so that we can communicate our needs to each other. He always says he has nothing to talk about, that he’s fine with the way things are and that i always make a big deal out of everything. I guess he doesn’t care how i feel about our marriage because he’s getting his needs met elsewhere.
    I’m sorry for this rant but i just had to talk about it. Thanks for reading. I guess i’m gonna go curl up in the foetal position now and try to disappear.

  • RavSean December 29, 2014, 7:51 pm

    Nicky, Missy, and Zazto…

    As I have commented above, I hope that you have all realized that the actions here are solely the fault of your spouses. All of you mention a sense of betrayal, and you should. Electronic adultery is adultery. As with any other type of betrayal, it cuts to the core of everything we have ever thought about ourselves and about our marriages.

    Furthermore, you each need to decide what you want to do here. Maintaining your marriages is a possibility, but it should not be done without demanding not only apologies from your spouses, but a real, and immediate change in behaviour. Frankly, such a changes should go as far as ending the electronic relationships immediately, without so much as a goodbye. If you wish to end the marriage, that too is understandable.

    Please note that your spouses will likely tell you all that this sexting is not important. Good! If it is not important, it should be very easy to put an end to it. Demand it, and demand accountability.

    good luck.

    RavSean´s last blog post ..Mellowing with Age….

  • shanon January 8, 2015, 9:53 pm

    I know one thing it’s changes everything and it is so hard to ever trust again. If someone is so unhappy they should leave their spouse before they do anything. Or I guess it wouldn’t be as much fun sneaking around. My marriage was never the same

  • Michelle January 9, 2015, 1:15 am

    I was confused by this title because i sext with my husband!

  • laina January 27, 2015, 10:38 pm

    I did the mistake of picking up my husbands phone when it made a buzzing noise.. It was a blonde girl he had been what sounds like as I was reading the messages hooking up with. They had sent each other photos of themselves and carried on deciding when to meet up. I called him up on it with my heart in my mouth. He just gave me a nervous laugh. Our 3 year old was in hospital at the time with a dog bite so emotions and stress was high. He never talks about it. But everytime he picks up his phone now I get really anxious to know who it is. I hate I cause I text him and sext him but all I ever get I huh? What am I doing wrong? We have been married 3 years and only early 30s. What do I do to get his attention? Help..

  • renee February 20, 2015, 10:09 am

    So, my boyfriend and father of two, (going on three) and I, have hurt each other deeply, and i need some next step advice. It all started two years ago, we were living together with one child, and decided to have another. We got pregnant the same month. Then shortly after i got pregnant, he slowly started to become distant. I had lost my job and i had a rough pregnancy and never ended up working. He found with me constantly about money. He didn’t appreciate anything i did for him or the family, even though i honestly did 100% house work, and 100% kids, yep, he said the kids were all me bc im not working. He’d only play with them a few minutes a day back then if they were lucky. He has a daughter who isn’t mine, comes over every other weekend and a few days here and there, plus half the summers, i told care of her 100% too. He told me i was lazy all the time. I ended up having postpartum and he literally told me, me too, when i tired to talk to him about it. On top of all that became the phone locks, the deleted messages, and flirting conversations with several women. He would talk to the same girls, but he never as far as i know, developed connections with them. But it hurt just the same. I tried to babysit and make extra money here and there, but the fighting continued and i felt so unwanted and betrayed. He said he was never physical with anyone. But how can i they his word with all the secrets you know? And why doesn’t he see it is still cheating and it hurts me?
    So then after 6 or so months after childrenbirth, i meet this guy my boyfriend works with and he starts being super nice, telling me i do a lot for people, i shouldn’t let him bring me down. After a few more months he starts hitting on me and i let him. It felt good someone liked me. Though i always felt horrible. He would kiss me goodbye when i saw him. After a few months i cut it off. I told the guy i felt like he used me when i was down. I didn’t like the lies and the deceitfulness. But things remained hard, the verbal abuse didn’t stop. I love this man, he’s down and depressed, i wanted to stay by his side like i promised. He continued to lock his phone, I’d watch him delete messages. But he wasn’t leaving me, i want leaving him… He fought with me pretty bad about 6 months ago, and i ended up having a few drinks and sleeping withvthat guy. We didn’t finish, i stopped it. And i felt like the biggest pos ever. How could i be so weak to let a fight lead to that? Well i didn’t tell him. He found out by the guy, because he kept hitting on me and i had to tell him to stop which he didn’t like. So i open up and tell him everything….
    Now he is still flirting with other girls on his phone and he says i deserve it. He wants to cheat once to “even the score”. We were going to take a break but he decided it wasn’t worth it, we are together, let’s try, at least for the kids, I’m 12 wks pregnant. How can i possibly show him he hurt me too? He acts like I’m the only bad guy and won’t own up to the fact he’s cheated for 2 years? I know i hurt him too, just as bad, but if we are trying to work it out, how can we without the trust on both sides?

    • RavSean February 25, 2015, 8:46 pm


      There is so much that is wrong here that I am not entirely certain as to where to begin. Let us start with a basic statement: it is not your boyfriend’s job to punish you for your sins, whatever they may have been. He can accept the behaviour and continue the relationship, or he can say this is not what he wants. Whatever you supposedly deserve is not a question. And that being said, he is being cruel. No human being deserves cruelty.

      I worry further about your statement that he “fought with you pretty bad about 6 months ago.” What does that mean? Did he hit you? Was it a loud shouting match? It is difficult to figure this one out.

      The children are as much his responsibility as yours. He helped bring them into the world. The sum total of what it means to be a father is not limited only to making the baby and bringing home a paycheque. Those two things are important. Also important is that the most crucial thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. He is failing miserably in this regard.

      To force you to do everything while he sits back with a martini is abusive.

      To have revenge sex is abusive.

      To keep secrets about his social connections is abusive.

      On the other side, you should also not have social connections with people who are hitting on you. That is not nice to your boyfriend.

      RavSean´s last blog post ..Global Warming…

  • cody February 21, 2015, 11:22 pm

    I feel the same as many of you. Just charged an old phone the wife threw out. I found all kinds of plans for doing a quickie and how he wanted to c@@ inside her and that he said he will work around the marriage. My wife denied it saying still they where just friends and have a lot in common. I am horrified and disgusted. Literally shaking reading this as a man. She seems like it was nothing and not an affair. Please pray for me that she will go with me to help get councilling. Kids and all in this..

    • RavSean February 25, 2015, 8:37 pm


      You need to ask yourself what you are willing to accept if she does not go to counselling.

      As far as the ‘just friends’ statement, the relationship has developed well beyond ‘just friends’ when he is making a clear statement of intentions. This is not a laughing matter. He was not making a joke.

      RavSean´s last blog post ..Global Warming…

  • Jodie March 2, 2015, 3:59 pm

    I have caught my husband messaging another woman, this is maybe the fourth time I have caught him.
    The messages were utter filth and I don’t know what to do.
    I think I would be less hurt if it wasn’t for the fact that our sex life is terrible and I’ve been trying to make it better.

  • Lyndy-Ann Plillip-York March 17, 2015, 7:14 am

    I’m happy to learn that shutting down my marriage bed is wrong. My husband brought home an STD from his lover ob the outside and I ended up in hospital, should I still be foolish enough to put myself there again after it happened 3 times. I tried as much as butt sex because its what he wanted but still no affection. He carries her out, gives het money, makes time to be with her etc and our electricity went cause the bills weren’t paid. Now I went to his job at the department which helps married couples that’s having problems and he’s upset. He doesn’t want to divorce! What am I to do??? We have a 1yr old and I’m having our 2nd which he gave $1200 to abort, but didn’t want to give me monies to handle our finances at home. What should I do? I’m not going to stop the Social Worker from his job, to the end they would take monies out towards the children and our home.

  • Aulura March 19, 2015, 11:15 pm

    Why do men do this? Third time I’ve caught my man sexting old girlfriends or soliciting a relationship on a dating site. He swears he loves only me. I try and leave and he freaks and talks me into staying. Uses his daughter to make me stay. He is so uncommunicative until it gets all drama. Caught him on the phone bill last time, while he was supposedly sick at home sending texts and pix of privates to old girlfriend. I’m about done with this passive agressive bull.

    • Leon Weiser March 31, 2015, 5:47 pm

      It’s not only men who do this Aulura. I caught me wife doing the same thing recently except it wasn’t with old boyfriends but men who she play words with friends. These men she also invited to a site called ‘kik’ where she would have these relationships with. Most of these men are out of state but one guy is definitely local and she avoided talking about him. What was worse is that she sent nude pictures of herself to at least one person. I walked out and like you, had her talk me into coming home, using the kids as a reason, also making all sorts of promises which I don’t believe will be kept. So it’s not just men who do this, women do it too. Aloha

  • Carolina May 7, 2015, 2:15 pm

    I recently caught my husband sexting again…. I’ve caught him numerous times. He’s sorry all the time:( we have been together 14 yrs married for six and well this time I gave my wedding rings back to him.. It’s so hard and he apologized but that’s not going to work. I told him apologize to ur kids 12,10 and four… What do u guys think? He’s a good guy. We have sex almost everyday. I thought I give him enough. What am I doing wrong or should I just drop it and divorce him. He know he does wrong and I’m just tired of it. Makes me feel less than a women, wife and friend… SUCKS

  • Secretly May 9, 2015, 1:39 pm

    I’ve never sexted anyone since I’ve been with my fiance of 3years. I had no type of contact with any other guys. Simply put I was the perfect gf/fiancé. I’d deal with his ex’s, his flirting, his texting, possibly even him cheating (he says it never happened but the girl nd her friend says it did but I have no way to prove it). I’ve forgiven him for everything.
    I have separation anxiety. Whenever he leaves the house I have panic attacks. I have abandonment issues… Trust issues… Insecurity… So many things all in one. So all I ask is for him to text me or call me as much as he can. I ask for more attention and communication.
    The issue is that he wasn’t responding. I had a panic attack and that’s when one of my ex’s had messaged me hi. My first thought was he’d give me attention. The only thing I wanted was him to comment on how my body looks. I sent him one picture where I had panties on nd one from belly button up with no bra. The guy commented nice and asked for more and I sent him a picture of my family. That’s where it ended.
    My fiancé found out and wants to just leave, saying I cheated on him. I explained why and he thinks its more to it. There’s not. Now my attacks are worse and I’m apologizing every 20 mins saying it was stupid and how much I regret it but he thinks I don’t deserve to be forgiven. He thinks we cannot get pass this. I’ve explained to him that my ex will never have what he has through a picture.
    Any advice on how I need to handle this?? I love my fiancé and want us to be together in the future. I don’t want to push him but I’m afraid if I don’t talk we may not have a chance to fix us.

  • Art May 15, 2015, 12:11 am

    I need advice, I found out my wife of 5 years has been sexting a co-worker. She blames me for looking at herbphone and finding the messages. Some of them were very explicit. She makes me feel,like it’s all my fault. I’ve asked her why and she says she needs time to articulate her response. It’s been 5 days, how much time does she need. How do I forgetbabout it and move on, how do,,I ever trust her again?

  • Drew June 4, 2015, 10:49 am

    I recently found out that my wife of 13 years met someone while she was out of town, and developed a relationship with him. Although she claimed they never became physical, I have very difficult time believing her. She told me the reason she did it was because I have been ignoring her request for companionship and the way I have been indifferent and distant from her during past four years of our marriage. Although I admit I have not been exactly a thoughtful husband during that time, I don’t believe it should have led to that.

    Now we are in the process of repairing our marriage, but I’m not sure if I still wanted to be married to her, especially I still do not believe what she has told me about this guy she met. I am convinced that she was intimate with him, I just don’t have any proof of it.

  • rastro June 24, 2015, 10:43 am

    About six months ago, my 50-year old wife of 18 years–who had been active on Facebook for a few years–started paying heavy attention to her Tumblr, and began posting adult content on it, including very sexy or even dirty pics of herself. This was with my approval. Our sex life–which at one time was nonexistent and had become merely ordinary–became very exciting, and it seemed clear to me that the catalyst was the sexy social media stuff.

    So all good, right? Then she started responding to the inevitable messages, got herself a kik account and began sexting with her tumblr contacts. She was fairly forthcoming about that, and as the sex-life continued to get steamier and steamier for us, I allowed it.

    But then I began to feel slighted and jealous, when my own texts or emails during the day were not answered, and I found or at least suspected that instead of replying to me she had been busy with some dude from Scotland on kik.

    So we had this awful argument, and in the end the result was that she agreed to stop.

    But she hasn’t, the only difference is that now she’s continuing with it, just not telling me. Given the fact that we just had this blow up, I have been reluctant to get into another horrible argument so soon after the last one. I’ve tried to send non-verbal signals of disapproval, and am pretty sure that she knows I know, because I’ve actually seen her deleting kik threads on her phone while she sat next to me.

    I am currently waiting for an admission from her, and apologies, and am not unsure that I won’t actually get them–but I’ve not gotten them yet. In the interim, we had fairly hot Tuesday night sex last night, and are planning a big sexfest on Sunday, and other than the below-the-surface lying, things have been very nice and pleasant and loving between us.

    But fact is, she’s lied to me now for at least a week maybe more and I am losing my trust in her. I find myself boomeranging between tears, and anger, and resignation when I’m not with her, and happiness and joy when I am–because when we are together, she is attentive and loving to me. And I do love her very much.

    Paradoxically, I sometimes also feel guilt, for this was something that did in some ways improve our relationship. It was something I allowed, that beyond the surface sexual component helped her self-esteem–with which she’s had longterm issues–and then I took it away.

    I am not close-minded about these kinds of things so sometimes regret that that terrible argument happened and that I put my foot down on the thing. But the lying now is much worse, and I wonder whether despite the good that is in our relationship, the best thing may be to simply leave.

    So I think, and wait to see what happens.

  • liza June 25, 2015, 12:00 am

    thank you shawnshadowhacker005@gmail.com

    ! you are the bomb! the work you did on my husbands account was phenomenal and i’m not just talking about fb! the closure was worth it. if your spouse is cheating emotionally or financially and you need proof, or you need bank logins and hacked atm cards, improve credit points, clear criminal records or simply have a bone to pick, he doesnt fool around. all his work is secure!

  • graham July 10, 2015, 4:44 pm

    Hi i have just found out that my wife is sextexting another female and i dont know what too do we have been married for 12 years and have 2 lovely children aged 18 @ 14 please can you help thanks

    • RavSean July 13, 2015, 12:51 pm


      First thing to do is ask her about it? Related to this might be asking her if she has decided she is no longer interested in men. Have you and she had sex recently? If not, this could be the reason.

      RavSean´s last blog post ..That’s Four…

  • Nessa July 12, 2015, 4:20 am

    My husband and i are in our first year of marriage, he recently took a job that takes him away five out of seven days a week, i found text massages on his phone tonight to some girl..very x rated messages and tje girls phone number..He claima that its never gone further than that, but how can i beleive that? When I confronted him, he got angry and said he was just bored and playing this girl to get her to send nude photos..then he said that i never have, which i have actally, but why is he putting his mess on me?? is he getting so defensive because of a guilty conscience? Do we really have a problem here? am i overeacting to an innocent situtation?? and how can i ever find out

    • RavSean July 13, 2015, 12:58 pm


      He is playing a girl to get her to send him nude pictures? To answer your question, yes, you have a problem here. Before even getting into any of the other details, nice men do not play women to get them to send them texts. That is downright nasty.

      Blaming you for his behaviour is not the least bit surprising. Please stop and think about that statement though. If he is old enough to be married, he is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. Blaming others is the sign of a child.

      Two questions for you then:

      1. Is he a nice man? Thus far, I am not convinced.
      2. Is he old enough to be married?

      While we are at it, there are times I must travel for work also. When I get somewhere, the first thing I do is to send my wife the hotel information, including room number and phone number. I also NEVER take more than one room key. If she is not there, no one else needs access to the room. When you husband travels, does he send you his room number? Does he call you when he gets where he is going to let you know he got there?

      Yes, you have a problem. It is not a small problem.

      RavSean´s last blog post ..That’s Four…

  • Trish August 11, 2015, 8:12 am

    I just found out that my husband of 15 years has been sexting other women. He just doesn’t really understand how bad it has hurt me. I told him it was no wonder why he had quit flirting with me. I am so confused and just don’t know what to do next.

  • Robert September 1, 2015, 9:25 am

    I am in the mid-forties and was brought up to respect women. I take care of my own, meaning i; cook, clean, do dishes, wash clothes, do yard maintenance, hunt, fish, dust, vacuum, etc…

    I have been married for 25 years and recently during a trip found my wives phone. Low and behold, what do i find! I am getting pissed just thinking about this…
    I found sexual photo(s) and video with text to my wife and her replies back to him. We were 700+ miles from home and could not gather my stuff together fast enough to leave her there. I was in a rage! When confronted, her replies were to make me pity her for forgiveness. Hmmmm…To see these i told her she had to have sex with him to reveal herself like she did as i have never been privy to what i saw in the texts during our marriage. Not like i didn’t try over and over.

    i could name all the sites that will make one leery of there spouse and their social sites as well as how they hide or try to hide it. oh, by the way, there was more that one…
    She downloads video editing apps, but i’m not getting any videos…

    Yes, i am still married to the woman i speak of but will not tolerate this sh1t again. I have tried to forgive and forget, but forgiveness is the easy part, you can’t forget.
    When you have invested 25+ years of your life, you can’t get them back! Maybe if i didn’t marry her my life might have been worse. I don’t know. What does a husband do? I can only give so much and would like the same in return. If you have a problem, talk about it, right? Ok, i am rambling and have to stop here… thanks for any replies.

    Regards, 2 years frustrated.

    • RavSean September 1, 2015, 6:22 pm


      I do not believe in ‘forgive and forget.’ It is impossible to force ourselves to forget something. As such, forgetting is entirely un-natural. There is a case of forgive and ignore though. When ignoring, the event still happened. You ignore it, until it happens again. Then you have a trend.

      Take note further: forgiving does not have to mean reconciling. You can forgive a person, but not have to reconciled with that person. It is two separate steps.

      In the meantime, you have to ask the questions of yourself. Are you capable of forgiving? To see no is not a sign of immaturity. It is a statement of the magnitude of the sin. Is this a woman with whom you wish to share the remainder of your life? Again, to say no is just fine here. When you can answer those questions, you will know what your next steps are.

      Furthermore, trust in general is difficult to build. Trust betrayed is near impossible. If your wife is not going to be very actively involved in putting your marriage back together, you will not be able to do it alone.

      Good luck.

      RavSean´s last blog post ..Grenade!!

  • Karen September 24, 2015, 4:01 pm

    Oh how I relate to this article and all these comments.

    My husband and I have been married 10 years, with 2 young children (10, 7). We are in our late 40′s. Both have been married before. We are normal, traditional type people, have jobs and pay our bills, take vacations, visit family. We enjoy our time together, we love and like each other. We have an imaginative sex life, for the most part.

    My husband has ADHD and I think that is part of it. It started with me finding a Facebook Messenger chat on his phone from some chick I didn’t know saying: “No problem, now get home!”. Weird, I thought. I then found an internet page for iTunes app to “hide your personal pictures” on his phone. Hmm, very strange and suspicions going wild. Then check his downloads on computer, where I see 5 pictures of a naked woman downloaded recently. Heart racing, sick to my stomach! I then confronted him about the pictures because the pictures seemed “unprofessional” and kind of personal. I was not connecting the dots to the phone and computer yet. He admitted it was an old friend. They were from an old “acquaintance” of his (they had sex twice, with his then girlfriend back in the early 90′s. (–I know, I said we are “normal and traditional”, well maybe me. :) – His story is: He received a friend request from her, friended her, then proceeded to have some type of messenger chat all day long while he was at work. He said the chat got “frisky”. She then asked for his email address, he gave it to her and left work. All this time they are continuing the chat on his phone. He got to his car, curious about the email address request, he opened his email on his computer (which he takes with him to work). She sent 5 nude sexual type pictures. This is where he says he messaged her back saying he was happily married and couldn’t continue this. And this is when she said “no problem, now go home”. I asked about the picture concealing app, he immediately said she sent a link in her email, which he clicked on.
    After a “long” discussion (argument, tears, stress), I constructed a letter to her, explaining the do’s and don’t’s of proper behavior with a married man and sent that to her Facebook Private Message. She handled this letter by, not responding to me, but messaging my husband that she was sorry for getting him in trouble. His response was that it was his fault and he would be offline for a while. He then said he blocked her. –Okay, this story was adding up in my brain, since he did not know all the puzzle pieces I knew. But my heart is not liking it. I am trying my hardest to overcome the mistrust, disgust I have for him and the emotional anguish he is putting me through. At this point I feel like, forget the trust, but what am I willing to put up with? He let another person know him, when I am the only one who should know him that way. He betrayed our marriage and love by so easily chatting “frisky” (his word) nothings to some random girl.

    We do have a history of this type of thing before we got married. He had never had a monogamous relationship, until me, so he had no healthy relationship experience. Before we were married, he signed up for some site called Adult Friend Finder and was chatting with several girls. I discovered this. We managed to work through it and it took several years for me to trust him enough to move forward again.

    RavSean, what are your thoughts on this? I have read your replies to others and I think you really understand the dynamics and feelings surrounding this issue. Do I trust this guy, who happens to be the father to my children, who I have created a life with, own a home with? Am I being overly sensitive since he put a stop to it before I put it all together? (though, he didn’t delete the pictures when he told her to stop)

    • RavSean September 25, 2015, 1:35 pm

      Hi Karen, et al.

      Thank you. I am flattered.

      This is a short, first-blush response. It is almost Sabbath and I am not even close to ready.

      I am not clear on a couple of things. First and foremost, it is clear that something untoward has been going on. Has the sexting led to a violation of the marital bed? I was not able to confirm that from your writing. That extra information will help me to write a little better.

      That being said, a couple of things have been done correctly. That you told the potential homewrecker to stay away is great. That your husband also backed off quickly and blocked her is also very good. Those are both huge, positive steps.

      You have also made clear to your husband that you want this to stop.

      I am in the middle of the holiday season right now. I may not respond to your response until Wednesday. I am reading and listening though.

      RavSean´s last blog post ..Mad Magazine

      • Karen September 26, 2015, 11:37 pm

        Thank you for your reply back to me during your holiday season! I certainly understand you are focusing on your family right now, so I am just happy you will respond back when you have time.

        To clarify: My husband has not physically violated the marital bed. This woman he was sexting with lives thousands of miles away.

        Thank you, RavSean, for taking time to read my story. :)

  • RavSean October 1, 2015, 8:46 pm


    So I have had a few days to think about this. Below are the things your husband did correctly.

    1. He cut off the contact. As far as I can tell from your writing, he did this without you forcing that issue.
    2. He cut off the contact because he is happily married, as you wrote above.
    3. He cut off the contact quickly and emphatically, and before you knew about it. He did not cut it off because he was hiding something from you.
    4. This has happened only once.

    So the questions you need to answer:
    1. Is this a mistake or a trend?
    2. If it is a mistake, has he been as forthcoming as possible with you?
    3. Is his part in the whole story logical based on what you know?
    4. Has anything like this happened in the past?
    5. Has anything like this happened to you in other relationships? Are you reacting to this or to other events?

    I am assuming that there is information I do not know. Based on what you have told me in this comment exchange, it sounds like a mistake that he prevented from getting worse. To use the baseball analogy so popular in modern society, he never even started running the bases. My gut tells me that your spouse did fine, based again on the information at hand.

    Have I missed anything?

    Finding the family time at this time of year is easy. I run a congregation as well. This is busy time. Thank you for your thoughts in that regard.

    RavSean´s last blog post ..Mad Magazine

    • Karen October 5, 2015, 10:26 am

      RavSean, Wow. You are awesome with the insight. You have great questions I should be asking myself and meditating on.
      Since the beginning of September (when all of this mess began), I have reconciled a lot of the ramifications and aftermath within myself. My husband and I have had several conversations and we agreed we should visit a marriage counselor; not to relive this event, but to get us on the same page and move forward.
      We have started attending church (we have been “un-churched” our whole marriage). This was his suggestion, which makes me happy.
      All of the above, in my opinion, has been positive; and would not have happened without the incident. So, in a very twisted way, it has helped reset our compass in the right direction.
      I am still very leery and second guess his actions. That part is not good for my heart and soul. We will see where this leads to.
      Thank you again for your concern. I don’t mean to turn this article into my psychotherapy, but really appreciate your time. Best wishes to you, your family, and your congregation.


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