The transition into motherhood stands out as one of the most potent pro-depressants I’ve ever experienced. The first few years of my daughter’s life were tough on me. I was sad, anxious, grumpy, resentful, angry, and downright physically ill most of the time.
I’m now much more peaceful, blissful and content. Still, the emotional angst was severe enough and went on long enough to encourage me to become a card carrying member of the Once And We’re Done Club.
Then roughly a year ago, I met Meagan Francis in a New York bar. Meagan showed up in a glamorous gown. Her hair was styled, and her skin seemed lit from behind. She dripped happiness from her every orifice.
At first, I figured she must only have one child. Nope. She informed me that she had five! I happened to know that she also had a demanding career. Like me, Meagan is a freelance writer. Freelance writing is currently one of the toughest professions to earn a living. It’s only eclipsed, perhaps, by acting and art. To make ends meet, most of the freelancers I know work late hours, weekends, and holidays. Freelance writing is also very tough emotionally. Freelance writers are often the brunt of more criticism and rejection than any other entrepreneur.
I looked at Meagan and I just couldn’t figure out how she did it. How on Earth was she seemingly able to raise five kids, thrive as a freelancer, have time for the occasional manicure and walk around with a happy skip in her step. It was right around the time I was wondering this that Meagan mentioned that she writes a blog called TheHappiestMom and had a book coming out by the same name. I thought, “Of course!” I mean, if anyone is an expert on happiness, it’s her. It’s one thing to manage to be happy when you are rich, childless, and kept. It’s quite another to do it when you are the mother of five who is working in one of the most thankless professions on the planet.
Meagan’s book The Happiest Mom just released. I got my hands on an early review copy. The book is beautiful. I felt happier just by touching and fondling it. It’s also full of counter intuitive advice that is new, interesting, and effective. I’ll be giving away two copies of the book by the end of the post. For now, here’s how Meagan answered some of my questions.
1. I’ve written about the importance of caring for your own needs and how this can benefit the entire family. This concept, however, can be controversial and some people assume putting yourself first is the same thing as being selfish. What are your views on this?
I think it would be a bad thing to ALWAYS put yourself first. Part of being a human is learning to balance your own desires with the needs of others, and think beyond what you want. But I think most moms take it too far in the other direction–always putting everyone else first, until they wind up exhausted, spent, and resentful. Being a good mom requires enthusiasm and energy and commitment, and it’s hard to to drum up those qualities if you’ve been ignoring your needs for sleep, good food, socializing, exercise, and an inner life of your own. Also: being completely selfless has a way of turning into martyrdom, which isn’t the greatest example to set for your kids.
Meagan and her brood.
2. Is there anything moms do in an effort to improve their lives that paradoxically causes more distress and makes them more unhappy?
I think we tend to deny our own personalities sometimes in the name of self-improvement, and it doesn’t always work. We can’t all be loosey-goosey earth mothers or super-ambitious go-getters. That said, I think sometimes adopting a little more structure can make a laissez-faire mom a bit happier (it was easy to get by without a reliable bedtime before you had kids, but after they’re here, it might just make you crazy) and on the flip side, women who were super structured before having children might find that “going with the flow” a little helps them keep their expectations in check.
3. What’s your best tip for moms who want to have a happier relationship with their men?
Realize that your life won’t be like THIS (whatever rough stage “this” is) forever. Having small children is incredibly stressful to a marriage and you won’t even have time to work through some of the growing pains you experience during that time, because they keep changing! (Unless you have a large family, in which case you’ll probably start to get it figured out by, oh, kid number four or so…) But the good news is, infancy and toddlerhood really go by so fast. In a few years you’ll be sleeping again, your child won’t be hanging on your legs all day, you’ll be able to more easily plan time together or keep from snapping at your spouse because it’s been at least a week since you had any time alone. Or maybe you’re in a rough spot because of a layoff or a troubled teen or (fill in the blank.) Either way, the hard time you’re having probably won’t define your entire life together, so work on staying as connected as you can, as loving as you can, as forgiving as you can, and then dig in your heels and ride it out to smoother waters.
4. Any secret tips for getting your spouse to pitch in more without having to nag or hear him groan or roll his eyes?
Oh gosh. I wish. I think depending on the guy, he may respond to requests, he may respond to lists, he may respond to outright sexual bribery…but he may not respond to any of those things. Here’s the thing: I have found a lot more satisfaction in my marriage by working on myself and adjusting my own expectations and standards than I ever did trying to get my husband to change. Once I stopped viewing my husband’s failure to do the dishes as a personal insult, I realized it’s really not that big a deal to just take care of it myself. Especially when I stop to really consider all the things he does around the house–like acting as our family’s unpaid IT consultant–that I don’t always take a moment to notice when I’m mad about the wadded-up towels on the floor.
5. You’ve managed to juggle a demanding career, have 5 kids, and stay sane. What’s your secret?
It might sound Pollyanna-ish, but I really believe that looking at my life in a positive light helps me stay on top of things without unraveling. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I’m way too busy this week, I don’t have enough child care, my house is a mess…” I try to think about things in more positive terms: “I’m looking forward to this exciting time. Wow, I am so efficient, I can handle this schedule without a lot of help! I wonder how clean I can get this house this afternoon…”
Perception is reality. If I think of myself as tired, overwhelmed, and unhappy, that’s how I’ll feel. And vice versa.
To win a copy of The Happiest Mom, just comment on this post. You can either share your best happiness tip, or you can tell us how parenting or marriage destroyed your peace of mind. Or you can just let us know why you need this book. I’ll pick two winners by Sunday night.
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
4 boys THEN her little girl. Totally envious, but I’m not that ambitious. Kudos to her! The MAIN factor that keeps me being as happy as I can be as a mom is my eldest son’s ADHD. It is a CONSTANT struggle. Other than that, my husband is a dream and my 2 younger done are a breeze!
I want this book for two reasons: first, my BFF since I was 14 is currently expecting her 2nd child, and she’s having a rough time. Her job is emotionally draining for her right now; she feels like a bad teacher and a bad wife and only a so-so mother. Those things aren’t true, of course, but it’s how she feels. I’d love to give her a copy of this to read over her summer vacation, while she’s in her 3rd trimester with the little boy she’s going to have in September. Second, though, is that I hope to be expecting my first child within the next year – so I want to borrow the book from her when she’s done with it
jen_alluisi´s last [type] ..Traveling Freely
Oh how I could learn so much from this book. I’m a SAHM, and my husband works 7 days a week, I have 2 boys 3 & 8. My 8 year old suffers from short-bowel syndrome and Crohns disease. Its so hard sometime for me to be happy when theres so much else on my plate and my husbands….I know this is all temporary, in a few years when my 3 year old starts school I’ll be able to look for a fulfilling job. But a book like this could help get me through these years ahead.
I would love to read this book in preperation for being a first-time parent in the next year or two!
Having a child rocked my marriage in ways I did not expect. I love being a wife and mom but would certainly benefit from reading this book (after I finish yours, of course! I am LOVING it).
You couldn’t have posted this at a better time for me. I am a mom of three who is home with the two youngest 24/7. In other words, I never have a break…ever! My marriage is really in the toilet and has been almost from the beginning (12 years ago). I am reading your book and really admire your ability to put your marriage back together. I, however, don’t really think that I’ll will be able to do the same, as my husband isn’t nearly as receptive as yours was to any efforts to make things better. The stresses from the loneliness and hopelessness of my marriage, combined with the normal stresses of being a mom, have really taken me to a new low emotionally. I feel like I haven’t been giving my children what they need emotionally because I have been so frustrated and depressed. This post, along with a couple of other things I’ve read this week, was just the thing I needed to help start me back on the right track. I’m realizing that no matter what happens with my marriage, I have to put the frustrations aside and be there for my kids and make myself stronger. If I can be a good mom and have good self-esteem, then I’ll be okay…whether I stay married or not.
Becoming a mother to my amazing two boys was the happiest moment in my life. Being a mother is something I have wanted all my life. I mothered my younger brothers, my animals, my baby dolls…I have always been a nurturer and becoming an OB nurse was a predictable course for me. Watching mothers give birth was amazing to me and I fantasized about the day it would be me. But after years of infertility treatments my husband walked out and I thought my dream of being a mother was forever gone. When the dust cleared, I realized I needed to begin a new dream for myself. Redefine what life without children would be. Eventually I started to laugh again , play again, feel joy again. During that time, I fell in love with an amazing man, who accepted me and my inability to have children. Life was good again.
And then a miracle happened…I was pregnant!! The following 9 months were a dream! I was so grateful for this little life growing inside me, that the morning sickness,swollen ankles,aches and pains were a welcome joy and I felt like I was floating on air! That continued through toddlerhood as we enjoyed each miracle moment…knowing how blessed we were to have this one chance to be parents. We then were surprised with two other pregnancies that after several months ended in miscarriages. It was heartbreaking but we grew together in our pain and focused on raising our active toddler. Our fourth pregnancy gave us our second son. It wasn’t as joyful a pregnancy as my first, because of the pregnancy losses we had suffered. But as we progressed in the pregnancy and realized our little guy wasn’t going anywhere, the excitement of being parents again grew.
We have faced many struggles with our boys. My oldest nearly lost his life due to complications of pneumonia when he was two. One year later, six weeks after his brother was born,he was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of three. My younger son suffered from severe reflux and woke to breastfeed every 2 hours for the first two years of his life (yes,not 2 months, but 2 YEARS!) He was later diagnosed with a congenital kidney malformation and need major surgery to correct it. I spent one week in the hospital at his bedside praying for his health. So it hasn’t been easy. But 95% of the time I would say, I am a happy mom. Maybe that is because I almost wasn’t a mom. Maybe because I am remember what it felt like to lose two precious souls who I never got to hold. Maybe I am just a half full kinda girl. But being a mom is a gift and I sure do like gifts! For whatever reason,my path in life has made me a happy mom.
I am blessed to be in a profession that I can help other moms find that happiness for themselves. A balance for them, that is specific for them. I run a breastfeeding support group that brings new mothers together on their journey.
I am always looking for new tips for these new moms that I have the honor of guiding in one of the hardest jobs, motherhood. I would be honored to read this mothers book and share it’s wisdom with my group as I have with “happily ever after”.
Sounds like a book I could have used and one I should send to my daughter-in-law for her B-day!
I am not married or a mother, but I have been reading this blog for a few months now. I am in a long term relationship, though, and think the best part to a relationship is laying down a good foundation. 11 years of friendship is pretty good, but learning how to communicate better with the other people in my life and let go of negativity has been the biggest struggle of our lives. We both recently graduated college, and things are starting to look up – even with student loan repayment looming ahead. But I recently found out that I’m going deaf due to nerve damage and I will need hearing aides before I’m 40. I’m on the brink of 25. Looking at the positives has made it so much easier to navigate through this news, like the fact that I’ve already studied sign language. The shame is that I wanted to be an interpreter, but it’s not certain that I will ever be able to do that. The sort of advice that is shared here sometimes feels really specific to the married, but it’s important that such advice can help people in a whole different walk of life. I appreciate it, and I wanted to thank you. This interview helped me remember to stay positive when it feels more comfortable to be sad. Life changes. And it’ll be okay.
Maeghan’s responses remind me of the sort of response you often give. You cant change anyone but yourself and you have to make time for yourself. I have a soon to be 3 year old and just got a puppy, and I look forward to the nights when there is peace and quiet in the house where i can just relax, read, watch some tv and try to destress in an attempt to do it all the next day. Finding inner happiness is hard, but I will start will finding innner contentment and go from there. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world, but it is also one of the most rewarding, that fact in and of itself makes me happy
I want very much to be a happy mom for my 3-year-old daughter but find myself much too often caught up in my own junk and sometimes letting it leak out and affect her and my husband. Thanks for this blog post, because it made me go check out Meagan’s blog. I’ve added it to my book list, but would love to win a copy. Thanks so much for the giveaway!
oh, if only i had had this or your book a couple of years ago, how different my life might be now! but when ya know better you can do better, so even though it’s just me and my little girl now, it is still my responsibility to grow and learn and be the best mom and future partner to some luck man that i possibly can be!
amy´s last [type] ..coveting this
I desparately need to read this book! Life is so hectic, I feel like I don’t get to have “fun” time with my 2 girls. I work, my husband travels most weeks for his job, we don’t have family/support nearby. I focus on just getting the dishes and laundry done and caring for the kids – baths, food, bedtime. I have been in therapy for 4 months and am on anti-depressents. I just want to enjoy life again!
This post really, really spoke to me. I have generally been a happy mom, but the last couple of months with my two kiddos has been really wearing me down. My support network has taken a few blows, and I’ve had a hard time functioning without them. Although I try to remember they’ll all be back once they handle their own mayhem, I’m not used to doing this thing without my village. It takes a village, right? I guess I need to use this time to gain perspective an make sure I fully appreciate, and fully EXPRESS my appreciation to the extended family and friends that help so much and are such a big and fortunate part of y kids’ lives.
Ooohhh! I could really use this book! I am unable to have my own children due to medical issues on my end of the deal. Almost a year ago my husband and I applied to adopt children through our states foster system.
On Monday I got a call that there are three children for us to adopt. We were planning on adopting two, so with three our whole world has been changed for the last couple days. I had to get bunk beds for the youngest two and and new SUV because both my husband and I have Mustangs that only have seatbelts for 4 . The children are leaving their current situation due to neglect. They have been living with grandfather and his girlfriend for two years while mom is in prison. The kids are not getting adequate nutrition and only receiving gifts from the state social workers for special occasions. It is heart breaking to see.
Today is the decision day. The social workers are going to talk to grandfather and let him know the children are being removed. Grandfather has the option of saying take them right now. So I am waiting all day to see if I get that call to go pick up three heartbroken children that will be mine today. If grandfather cooperates we have a planning meeting to move the kids on Monday.
So in less than a week I will be the mother of a 5 year old girl, a 10 year old girl and a 13 year old boy. Both my husband and I are excited and scared. Any words of wisdom from those of you who are moms would be great right now!
I’ve found that since having my 2 kids, I’ve become a frustrated, stressed, grumpy person. My marriage is strained right now, and when I’m angry with my husband, I find myself yelling at my kids, which I hate. I have finally learned the lesson that I can’t change anyone else, but I can change how I respond to others, and I’ve been working on that. Meagan’s book sounds like it would have real, practical advice, and if I don’t win it, I’m going out to buy it. (Hope that doesn’t totally destroy any chance of being chosen – ha.)
Meagan said: “Being a good mom requires enthusiasm and energy and commitment…”
I say: “I have the commitment but most often lack the energy & enthusiasm. Help!”
Meagan said: “I think we tend to deny our own personalities sometimes…”
I say: “I think you might know me…”
Meagan said: “Realize that your life won’t be like THIS (whatever rough stage “this” is) forever. ”
I say: “I have it posted on my fridge – This too shall pass.”
Last May, hubby and I went away for the weekend to celebrate our 16th anniversary. We had never gone away ourselves before – not since we became parents. We left 3 kids with Grammy and went, feeling all sorts of parent guilt. We had been fighting a lot too – and the only reason we actually went was that it had been planned for months. We went to a cabin in a small tourist town, and I was sure we would kill each other by the time the weekend was over. Turned out we had a great time. Stress melted away. We enjoyed the hot tub together. We figured out we did still like each other and actually got along quite well when we got away from the everyday stress of kids, jobs, and just busy life in general. It gave us hope. It is still hard, but not hopeless.
Zoe´s last [type] ..I am not afraid anymore
@ Angela P, wishing you tons of luck and I am sure the 3 kids, if grandpa says yes, will be lucky to have you and your husband.
“If I think of myself as tired, overwhelmed, and unhappy, that’s how I’ll feel. And vice versa.”
I cried when I read this. This is what I do. I find myself saying this to my husband, to my kids, to my mom when I’m expecting her help, even to myself as I work my way through my day. Over and over. I am the one putting restrictions on myself. My poor family is along for my grumpy and bumpy ride.
And my absolute biggest fear, the one I pray about and stress over and lose sleep over is that my kids are not happy. How could they be when they are forced to live in my unhappy bubble.
Starting right now, I am going to put a positive spin on my thoughts. I like your suggestion of “I can handle this schedule without a lot of help! I wonder how clean I can get this house this afternoon…”
It’s a start….
I am busy right now making lunch for my beloved & I (Salmon Patties, Homemade mashed potatos & fresh green beans…YUMMY!!!) I’ll comment latter but wanted to let Zoe know you really put a smile on my face about the trip you took together. I remember a time before my beloved became so ill we took a similar trip. We were stressed form both working 70hours a week. Isn’t it amazing what a hot tub, some nice meals & some ALONE time can do?
Ron
Oh wow. This one hits the heart. I could really use this. As just last night, by 8 yr. old DD asked me once again…”Mom, do you still feel like a bad mom?” …stemming from an incident a couple weeks ago where DD and I were both crying, because she was feeling “unloved” and when she asked why I was crying when I was snuggling with her, I explained that she is always loved, and I felt like a bad Mom if she felt otherwise.
But, she was absolutely right. I was not doing my best job as a Mom. I’ve been wrapped up in my own problems and in an effort to “protect” the kids from my bleak moods, I’ve spent more time hiding away in the bedroom, sulking, reflecting, searching for answers on HOW TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPIER, etc. I haven’t been enjoying my kids, my life, and all that I have to be grateful for.
I’m working on it now, but most days it’s still a struggle to think positively and keep the negativity at bay.
Thank you for the blog link.
Oh Meagan’s answers were exactly what I needed to hear today, and I think her book is exactly what I need to read at this time.
After struggling with infertility we finally conceived our lovely but….difficult….son. He was colic-y and screamed non-stop for the first 6 months of his life & is now 15 months old and has precociously entered the terrible twos already (back to the screaming fits)! And, surprise!, I’m expecting another one this fall. Ever since I realized I was pregnant, I’ve been overwhelmed and depressed, wondering how I’m going to handle it all (the physical exhaustion and illness is probably contributing, too). My marriage, career, friendships, physical and mental health are suffering.
When I see mothers that are happily making it all work, I tend to assume “oh well they just have easy pregnancies, or easy babies, or don’t work as much, or have more money to hire help”. This post just opened my eyes to the fact that, as in everything else, its not the external factors but the internal factors that result in happiness. I have to change whatever is in myself that is keeping me from enjoying what really should be a joyous and exciting time. And I’d love any help I can get to do that!!!!
Well lunch is done & consumed. GOOD stuff!!!!
Anyway while I never had kids myself (2 grown steps now) I can get in similar situations as a caregiver to a sick wife. At times it is overwhelming & at times I handle it pretty well. I am sure the many moms here feel the same.
But actually I wanted to comment on the first part of what Alisa posted(Caring for ones own needs as well). While I can’t speak as a mom on this it is a struggle I deal with regularly as a caregiver. It took quite a while but I had to find BALANCE. I was always feeling guilty if I did ANYTHING for myself. Except for maybe playing music once a week with my bandmates. Other than that 24/7 was consumed with caring for a very sick wife. Almost everything I did was for her. While it is admerable in thought it leaves one feeling empty with nothing left to give.
I can only imagine it is the exact same thing a parent goes through. But one thing I learned the hard way is that when the caregiver (or in this post mom & dad) are exhausted then we aren’t much good to our sick spouse or children who depend on US to provide all their needs.
We also have to guard against going to far in the other direction & not become self cenetered. In either scenario the person who needs us gets neglected. That’s why I use the word balance. I have seen mom after mom & dad after dad go to one extreme or the other. So we end up with parents who are either burned out & exhausted or parents who neglect their kids to go, party, see friends, etc etc. I guess both ways are equally bad for the children. What I learned is it is okay & beneficial to both of us if I take maybe 3 hours a week to go fishing or find something that re3freshes my body & spirit.
There is a lady friend I go to church with. One Sunday morning the Sunday School class was discussing people who were suffering from “Supermom Syndrome”. Well she freely admited to being just that person. Almost every waking moment was spent doing something for the kids. Soon her husband was feeling terribly neglected (which he was) & she was always feeling cranky & tired.
Here are some things she shared with us that made a real impact on several in the class. After attending a Christian parenting seminar she began to realize a few things.
1)That if she neglected the marriage in favor of the kids that the very thing she held dear (a stable family) would be ripped apart.
2) That her 2 boys didn’t have to play EVERY sport, go to EVERY activity offered these days. These are so time consuming that she said it felt as if all the free time they all had was either spent at an activity or driving to and from them all. What she discovered was her kids were actually happier by spending less time in group activities & more time doing family activities.
Not to say they dropped all sports & such but they cut back on that & started having family ballgames & soon they involved the neighbors families. To this day they have a great time with this & all the family’s on her block spend more time together. I thought that was a neat idea. Oh & she said the other side benefit was it cost a LOT less
So once again the word is balance. It is a life lesson we could all learn. I remember when I was growing up & I am aging myself here but I played Little League Football & Baseball. That was all that was offered at that time. As much as I enjoyed that, those aren’t the activities I look back on now and remember most. The ones I do look back on & remember most fondly are my Dad & Mom taking me fishing, shooting hoops with dad, family vacations, & all the family activities we did.
In today’s busy society if we let them our kids can spend almost every waking moment either in school or playing organized sports. And as parents we can spend every waking moment shuttling them from one to another. Today they not only have the basic 3 they can do Vollyball, Team Swimming, Soccer, Track & Field etc etc. The list can be never ending. While these things are important & they should do some as they learn so many great skills in them. I would just say do they have to do ALL of them? Now this is just my personal opinion but I think as a family we would be better served with balance. Limit the organized sports to maybe 3 then organize a few that are for the family. Maybe spend time doing more as a family & less as a taxi service to a 5, a 6 & an 8 year old..lol
So I guess the key word in this LONG rant is BALANCE…lol
Keep on Rockin Alisa
Ron
This article pretty much sums up my life these days. I have two small children under five, I too am struggling to get my groove back, and my husband and I are frequently taking all the stress of what this phase of life brings out on each other which is making things quite difficult from day to day. What a relief to have stumbled upon your blog. I’ve also subscribed to her blog and I will be looking forward to reading both blogs!
Sabrina, Thank you very much. Grandpa does not have a choice. It just depends on if he is going to do it the right way. He could get mad and just give them to the social worker today. Otherwise we will meet with everyone involved on Monday morning for him to relenquish custody.
The first post was kind of confusing.
I definitely want to read this book- all the better if I win it! I’m a SAHM to 17 month old twins, and I squeeze in some working from home when I can find the time. I have a really hard time putting myself first (Meagan’s post today about ‘not having time to shower’ really hit home) without feeling guilty.
I suspect I’m going to have to buy this book after all the awesome and moving posts! That’s ok. It will be worth it. I am essentially a single mom (2 kids) and have been since almost the beginning. Spotty help from spouse and no family support structure. I’ve been having a good old pity party for the last week. Alisa, this post made me want to read the book AND reminded me I have a great many blessings; not the least of which is a flexible job that enables me to run out on a moment’s notice when a kid needs transportation from one school bldg to another @ 2:30 pm. Slowly learning to take care of myself and focus on the good. Thanks!
As a mom of five I’m sure she knows her stuff! I like what she mentioned about husbands and chores–that’s what Doctor Oz’s wife said in her book essentially too. I guess it’s hard to see things from all ends so we might as well take care of what we can usually see (us!).
I get to answer both! Parenting really made me lose my peace of mind as I had severe post-partum depression after each of my kids. (They are only 14 months apart, so there goes two years!) The greatest happiness tip I can think of was once the only thing I could do some days. I just sit in the floor with my kids and watch them play. They love having me near them, so their smiles are extra sweet and they will often cuddle up next to me if I’m close enough. There is nothing better in the whole world!
I got married and birthed my son within four month of each other. I’m not sure which one managed to unravel me, but unraveled I was and mostly still am. I’ve been married for 2.5 years, am currently trying to survive after my husband’s infidelity (a 10-month affair that began about a month before my son was born, with a pregnant woman nonetheless), and now have two kids — my 2 yr old son, and a 7 month old daughter. I’d LOVE to know how to be a happier mom because I’m so afraid the mom my kids are getting isn’t the mom I want to be for them.
Tabatha´s last [type] ..Dragon Story
I would love to read this book! We have 5 children and I have a home daycare, so some days I really struggle with kid overload. I do enjoy every minute of it, but my youngest is 1 and oldest 13 so I have all aspects of issues and any help I can get in staying possitive I will take! Thanks for the giveaway!
Where do I start..being s mom is the best thing..all I Vosges wanted. But it’s also been the most challenging. I have been through the trenches of post partum depression, anxiety, the death of my father in law and a job promotion which caused us to relocate 100′s of miles away from home.
LNG story short, I am the mom of two amazing boys ages 4 and 6 who I love more than life itself… And I also have been through some of the hardest times since they were born..and I guess, I am always I. Search of anything I can leArn to help teach me Bout the Act of BALANCE..not loosing myself completely, as I surrender to housework, and child reAring..remembering who I used to be ..who I am ..and still remIning the loving mother and wife I have Lways wanted to be.
And right now…the balance aint eAsy
While I’m a firm believer in the power of perspective, I am not afraid to say I have some trouble with it. I think everyone does from time to time. When I feel myself starting to snap about something that has to do with my fiance or our son, I stop and put myself in their shoes. This creates the happiest environment for the three of us. I’m glad Meagan mentioned the idea of perspective in her interview with you.
Whether I win the book or buy it, I definitely can’t wait to read it.
I would love to have a copy of Meagan’s book. I’m a fairly recent (but diligent) reader of her blog, and her advice resonates with me on a daily basis. Both her advice (and yours, Alisa) has gone a long way to help me and my family. My story is that I’m a wife of 6 years, a custodial stepmom to a 16yo girl, biomom to a 3 and 5yo, homeschooling all three kids while doing post-baccalaureate pre-med work at a nearby university, working part-time for home as a freelance writer, juggling the financial burden of a failed small business and the breath-taking legal fees from a month-long court battle 2.5 years ago compounded by a unwanted 2 month unemployment for my husband last summer, and oh, yes: a husband who works 10-12 hours days with a 3-4 hour commute each day, and whom I miss terribly most of the time. Just as yours does, Alisa, Megan’s blog frequently gives me reason to evaluate the challenges in my life from a different perspective, which enables me to look for practical solutions or just enjoy a more relaxed outlook.
@Drummer Guy: I think you’re right – balance is key for all caregivers. For me, it’s finding that balance that is the challenge!
My oldest is 5 and my youngest is 2…..and I have FINALLY figured out that taking time out for myself is key! I have started to read more books and do more things for myself. And guess what? My husband CAN handle the boys and figure it out…he might not do it MY way, but he gets it done and it is okay! It doesn’t have to be my way!
I am due to have my second child (another little girl!) next week via C-section. My first daughter is almost seven and we went through a very rough patch when she was born. We had just moved (a plane ride from family and friends) to a new city where I knew no one. My husband travels for work quite a bit. And I had a bit of postpartum depression. Not a fun time! Thankfully, we’ve made great strides in our marriage since then and when we discovered (unexpectedly) that we were to have another child, we have been super-cognizant of what to expect and how we can work as a team to move through it all with love and support instead of resentment and frustration. My husband is wonderful – and I appreciate his support and his willingness to acknowledge that both of us on the same page is so much better than one of us carrying the load. I’ve read Alisa’s book and should I win it, will happily pass it on to a friend in need. It was truly a lifesaver. I’d love to read The Happiest Mom – while I’m enjoying my maternity leave!
This post came at a great time, as my husband and I are heading into the busiest month of our school year. I so much appreciate Meagan’s approach: get perspective, have reasonable expectations and structure, go with the flow, and most importantly, the mom needs to take care of herself. Within six years my husband and I had two kids and raised a troubled teen for three of those years. All of that definitely took a toll on our marriage! I’ve let go of my high expectations for others and am learning that if I leave the dishes, my husban–of his own accord–will put his laptop on the windowsill, watch 30 Rock, and do them! Me deciding to generally be in a good mood helps tremendously. Thanks, Alisa, for this great post.
“Freelance writing is currently one of the toughest professions to earn a living. It’s only eclipsed, perhaps, by acting and art.”
Writing is an art, so writer’s are part of the starving artist club.
I really want to respond to this, but I don’t know what to say because I’m not a Mom yet. I wanted to talk about wanting to be a Mom and how I love reading about Mom stuff from you. But I am in premature perimenopause and we are seeking to adopt; the fear of the adoption process sets me to tears—we are in the process now.
And then as I scrolled down as I saw Angela P’s post…and my almost tears became tears. Someday this book will be for me, but not yet—others need it so much more and Angela, becoming the sudden parent of 3–including a teenager–perhaps would benefit the most.
“Almost a year ago my husband and I applied to adopt children through our states foster system.
On Monday I got a call that there are three children for us to adopt. We were planning on adopting two, so with three our whole world has been changed for the last couple days.”
Angela: That is what we want. How can I talk you? Actually I want an infant, but everyone—even our minster—tells me the odds are stacked against. I’m so frustrated with that statement. But I want to be a Mommy however God offers such a gift. We left one traditional agency because their placements went down and are now waiting to hear back after submitting our application last week to a foster to adopt agency. We are hoping for a sibling group of 2, both under 3.
I so much want to hear how this goes for you.
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..The Case Against Return Statistics
Love the part about statng that we can’t deny our own personalities, but sometimes we just need to tweak them in a direction that isn’t automatic for us. SOO true!
I keep reading Megan’s blog and I want this book so badly! I just have a five month old, but I can see how life can get completely overwhelming. Hoping I win a copy.
Liz Farrar´s last [type] ..Thursday Things – Eyeshadow Primer
I really resonate with the things Meagan has to share. I have only been married 9 years, a journey that began with life-threatening illness, on my part, on our honeymoon, and having my kidney removed 3 months later. Then it was diving headfirst into having three little boys, one right after the other, amidst other intense marital crisis, with shaky beginnings for a foundation. That said I have learned that, like Meagan says, you can choose to be happy. Things will not always be perfect, and there will be bumps (sometimes) major in the road, but if I focus on consistency,contentment, and gratitude, instead of perfection, it’s helps me take that pause to have grace with myself and others, and enjoy my kids and my life. I only recently discovered her blog through a friend, and wait eagerly to read it . Her blog came into my life at a time when I was hitting the mid thirties and starting to feel my age-and needing someone to resonate with. I would love to read the book at length and have it as a reminder of the valuable lessons I have learned from her blog.
I would love to read Meagan’s book! I’ve learned that I need to let go of perfection and impossibly high expectations, especially in my stage of life with 2 little ones under 3.
My wife or my soon to be ex-wife (the way she sees it) needs this book. I know she is not happy or still in love with me. I know she loves our 3 kids (11,8,5) but she is not at all patient with them. The things that comes out of her mouth is not what a mother should say to her kids. Maybe this book would help her be a happy mom, a happy person.
thanks.
I’m not a mother yet, but I’ve met Meagan, and I’m so impressed by her positive outlook on life. I’ll definitely be reading this book in a few years in preparation for motherhood …
I was so impressed with how many of you wanted these books that I tossed another copy into the giveaway. So we have three winners. They are: Sarah Jane ML, Angela P and Zoe. Congrats ladies. I’ll be in touch via email to get your mailing address.
WooHoo! This is great timing for me! We didn’t get the kids on Thursday. So grandpa did the right thing. Our placement date is the 19th. A week and a day from now. So I will get to be a parent and read the book at the same time! Thank you Alisa.
Angela,
Congratulations–on the book and espcially the kids. Let us know how it goes. My prayers are with you.
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Does Dr Phil Understand Midlife Crisis
Last week while at a counseling session I had mentioned that I get up early in the morning and make my husband breakfast, then my daughter and then my son. She said why? I thought to myself why not I am a caretaker that is my job. I love to take care of my kids. I have 4 kids now they are older. My biggest mistake was not letting my husband nurture our children emotionally. I did everything, I guess I thought that he had to work why would I bother him with this stuff. I ran the kids and their friends to sports, and any other activities they were in. I took care of all the school stuff well just everything. A bit ago I heard my husband speak of a coworker who had to leave work because his sons apt had a fire. My hubby thought it was crazy that this guy would leave work for that. He was so insensitive. I cried. It is my fault. I thought that I could parent myself. I denied him the opportunity to be a parent. I cant go back though. Now we are grandparents and I can see that he doesnt have the skills necessary to be emotionally connected. So naturally I pick up the slack. I am not resentful. I am so grateful to my hubby for giving me the opportunity to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. He worked hard so I didnt have to.
I hear several times a week (from my mother) that I am selfish because I sometimes put myself first, like when i decide to cook, work out, or sit down and do nothing for 15 minutes. I may only be a single mom of one child, but my child has a decently severe neuromuscular disorder, so I feel like I’m raising three children AND running a business (he has a nurse and we have to keep up supplies and such). A lot of my family is really angry with me because I can’t make time to make them all happy.
I really didn’t let it get to me until today. I’m so glad I found this. I am so not selfish. I just need to take care of too many things.