How to argue with Mr. Always Right

A Reader Participation Post

Here’s a “biggest marital problem” sent to me by a reader:

My husband is aggressive, rude, and is always right and I am always wrong. Therefore I no longer have serious conversations with him. I try to avoid talking about anything that he might find upsetting, even though it may be something that is upsetting to me. We basically don’t have a relationship. I desperately would like to have a relationship, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is capable of it. I just agree with what he says. If I don’t he gets very angry and says that I just want to argue. If I ask him questions he gets angry too, so I will just ask him one question if I want to know something. If I don’t like or don’t understand his answer, I won’t say anything because that makes him very angry. What should I do?

Readers: This is all you. Can you help this reader with her biggest marital problem? I’m giving you two weeks to wrestle with this one. I will be awarding prizes to 5 people who I judge (by purely non-objective standards) to have the most helpful and insightful advice. The prizes include a free signed copy of my book Project: Happily Ever After + several other books that publishers have sent me recently: Jenn Berman’s Rockin Babies (I have two copies), Byron Pitts’ Step Out of Nothing, and Hulk Hogan’s My Life Outside the Ring.

Note: For the next two weeks, I will be taking a social media vacation. It do this once or twice a year whenever I start to feel stale, burned out, and irritated with humanity. Now is that time of year. I hope to return in two weeks as the generous, kind, loving, somewhat positive person I once knew. Because I won’t be posting much this month, the more comments you leave on this and other older posts, the higher your chances of winning the next Reader of the Month. For July Rental Car Choices will be giving away a free pass to Universal Studios. Make sure you click through to the actual blog ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com to comment. Comments sent to me via email or left on Facebook don’t count for this promotion.

130 comments… add one

  • Judy White April 29, 2013, 11:13 am

    No one has the exact answer for dealing with Mr. Right, because they are unique from each other. I do feel that if your feelings about decisions to be made that will affect both of you are ignored, then this can create resentment and contempt. In turn, these feelings can escalate and bring division in various ways. He can lose friends from always feeling the need to be right. The more friends you lose, the more isolated you become, then he may not want to venture out with you (spouse) as much. You’re desires become less important, so you pull away, start to do activities that are separate, lose desire for intimacy, don’t go to events that are important to either of you. Life becomes about eating, sleeping, and existing. If he won’t get help, then you can stay and lead a life that only he wants or pursue the you that you forsook for him. Only you know which alternative will work for you. When it gets to where you constantly dwell on the negative of being with Mr. Right, maybe it’s time to put him to the test. If he really loves you, he will come looking for you and be also willing to meet somewhere in the middle. Hope this helps. I’m actually talking to myself as well as you. I do give things a lot of thought before doing them. Patience is a virtue.

    Reply
    • marg April 30, 2013, 9:42 am

      I just read a vastly amusing blog about how to win an argument. The whole thing about the advice was wrong. The most annoying thing about trying to discuss things with my partner*very long term relationship * is the fact that he is calm, complacent and totally unwilling to make any changes. I try to remain calm but in the end I get angrier and angrier and he gets calmer and calmer and refutes every damn thing I say he also gets critical and really hurtful. He says all these horrible things and blames me for my attitude OK I know its not that good at times but mostly I am a fairly calm person.He tells me I am not normal and there is something wrong with me. In the meantime as the argument really gets insulting I start shouting and throwing stuff around the room. I feel absolute hatred at that moment and know I am making a fool of myself (again!) It starts off Ok and I feel pretty sure of myself then it just sort of escalates.This happens every single time I try to discuss things rationally. Ok I know why do I bother? Well I am always hopeful I can get through to him (poor fool that I am) Actually apart from the financial aspect if I leave it would be a real pleasure to not have this calm complacency and total incomprehension of how awful I feel at times about the whole set up. I just want to live in peace but I am most unhappy. Perhaps I will feel a lot better when I stop bashing my head up against this brick wall?

      Reply
      • Rhonda July 13, 2013, 10:26 am

        Marg, I’m right there with you on this one. I have actually made it to the next step of just shutting up and keeping my opinion to myself. I found the screaming and getting upset doesn’t help. Guess what? The shutting up and keeping my opinion to myself doesn’t help either. I’m silently resenting him more and more. We can go days without speaking at all and he’s just fine with that. I tell myself “at least we’re not fighting” but the silence isn’t much better. If I could financially make it without his paycheck, he’d be gone. Trust me, I’ve been silently trying to figure out how to do that as well. I will figure that out & I’ll be out of this. I’ve been with him for 27 years and we’ve been married 6 of those. Seems as soon as I said “I do” he decided he didn’t anymore. He wasn’t Mr. know it all before we got married, but he sure is now. I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice as to what to do. I just wanted you to know you’re not the only one in that boat. In my case, I’ve decided it’s over and I just have to figure out how to make ends meet by myself, but as soon as I do. I’ll stop playing the silent game and get on with my life without him.

      • Normal Guy October 27, 2014, 2:35 am

        You are unhappy with your lives but you are unwilling to change whatever it is that is making you unhappy. So instead you go to your husbands and try to get them to change their behavior because if you are not happy then it must be their faults. And when they insist that you talk things over calmly and reasonably in an attempt to get to the heart of the matter and address it rather then just venting emotionally you get mad because now you have to face the fact that there is a solution to your problem but you are just unwilling to make changes of your own. Maybe you should fix your own house first instead of blaming them for putting a roof over yours and then using that as just another excuse as to why you can’t change things.

      • Julie October 28, 2014, 8:03 am

        Marg. I deal with the same thing and the everyday fighting over stupid sh_\ is killing me. I am so fed up with his mouth and then telling me I’m bipolar because I raise my voice after his rude but calm comments persist. So sick of this

      • Normal Girl November 11, 2014, 11:49 am

        Just because a guy comes up with a solution, doesn’t mean it’s THE solution. I’ve seen men butt heads about their stupid solutions and usually they go with the solution that the meanest and most aggressive one put forth. So I really think some guys are rational problem solvers, they are just jerks with ideas. I’ve been blessed with only having ever been with one guy like that over the last 30 years.

      • Normal Girl November 11, 2014, 11:52 am

        *aren’t rational problem solvers

        Also, I’d like to add when someone acts like you’re always wrong, and blames you for everything or for having your own thoughts, it’s a mental state that can be acknowledged and treated with therapy. Of course, someone like that isn’t going to admit they need help. So usually a breakup happens, either from that person leaving because they found someone new who hasn’t caught on to their negative way of interacting, or because the person dealing with them gets fed up.

  • Maggi May 4, 2013, 2:31 pm

    My husband and I are BOTH stubborn by nature. He was a collegiate
    athlete, as well as a coach for many years….. His players used to say
    in unison “It’s the _____way, or the highway”. And, it was, and still is TRUE!!

    He doesn’t see himself this way, but he is…. There are things I could care less
    about that he chooses to organize, or put certain places, etc. However,
    when it comes to something I have an opinion about, hold on to your hats!
    He must always “think” he’s either getting his way, or that he’s convinced
    me somehow that “HIS” way is the only way things are going to work! Even if
    I’m the one who went to school to do the job, or I’m the one with experience in
    the particular area he’s trying to dominate!!

    Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs with frustration, but
    it won’t do any good. The most recent arguments pertain to remodeling
    the house, and which walls to move, and which to keep… And, etc., etc. ….

    Long story short….. the total experience of purchasing this home,
    obtaining a contractor, getting everything set up has been a nightmare!
    Why you ask? It all boils down to a man who refuses to listen to a woman,
    because God knows, he must know more, just because he’s a man!

    His stubbornness, and unwillingness to just “listen” to what I have to say, that
    might have saved some time as well as money, has now cost us six months of delays,
    set backs, and the possibility that this venture I too have invested so
    much money in will turn out to be one huge nightmarish flop!

    We’re talking about a well educated man, who refuses to take the
    necessary steps to protect his interests, because his wife “might”
    be right, and if so, he might have to admit it to himself!

    I’m a cover all your bases, research before you make your move,
    find everything out BEFORE you do something kind of person, while
    he chooses to either fly by the seat of his pants, or find stuff out after the fact,
    and then deal with it, or pay out all your hard earned money to fix
    what you should have know all along! So far in 29 years, it seems
    he’d rather lose $ than listen to my advice, (which I have to admit, has been
    right on about 98%) of the time! And I’m not just trying to toot my own horn….
    But like I said, I like to know WHAT I’m doing or up against
    BEFORE I start a project. Any project!

    Not much help I know in the way of helping anyone else out,
    but I guess my only advice to anyone would be to LISTEN to your gut,
    ALWAYS! Prepare yourself with knowledge. Read anything and everything
    you can about people, their personalities, and read books that will
    help teach you how to communicate with different personalities.
    Learn what makes your partner tick…. Try to find a way to help them
    feel like things were their idea.

    Stay quiet and observe. And what I’ve learned…… Sometimes you just
    have to bite your tongue, let them fail, and maybe, just maybe your
    partner will LEARN to LISTEN to what you have to say, because you may
    on the slightest chance just BE right!!!!! If your partner fails enough times,
    and loses enough money…….

    Reply
  • Sandra August 5, 2013, 7:22 pm

    Dont’ kid yourselves…..When they are right, they are right. I am married twice, both men, know it alls. Not only for themselves, but for me also. I waited 13 years before I married again. Like a lot of other women, I made the same mistake twice. More fool I. He was great during our courting days and then, it began. My family was low class (except for me), the sex stopped, but that too was my fault, I gained 5 pounds, therefore unattractive. From my prespective, he started drinking way too much and couldn’t engage, so rather than taking responsibility, he decided it was easier to blame me. It worked….My self esteem went down the tubes and I actually started believing that everything was my fault. It’s a good thing that I come from a very strong stock of women. I’ve lived with this same crap for 30 years and it never gets better. The only thing is that I don’t buy into it anymore. He nearly died this last April because of the booze. He was grateful that I didn’t leave him on his own when he was taken to emergency and so happy when I visited for two weeks while he was hospitalized. He’s home now, sober, but still the most critical son of bitch I’ve ever known. Nothing has changed, his opinions haven’t changed, they have just shifted, sobriety will do that….he thinks I get my own way all of the time, what a joke. When I was young, I could never understand how a woman or man could leave each other after so many years. I do now. I have one foot out the door because I don’t want to live another day where I feel like I owe him something. I treated his family, like I did my own because I wanted to. There’s an old saying ” A leopard doesn’t change his spots”, so true, so true. My husband has and does walk around with a cloud over his head and I guess that’s his thing.. BUT…. When after all of these years you are still watching what you are saying or feeling like you are infringing on your husbands/partners time, then it’s time to check out. In my case, I guess I can say that it was never meant to be and quite honestly, I am okay with that. I look forward to my twilight years in peace. Sometimes it takes time before we realize that we are responsible for good changes. I have no regrets, but I sure as hell have learned a lot over these past 30 years. The biggest lesson….never, ever lose yourself and if you find yourself sinking fast…go for help. I really mean it. Go for help. We are on this earth for a reason and I can assure you that it’s not to be used or abused. Peace Out….

    Reply
    • Cheryl December 16, 2014, 12:11 pm

      I so agree I have lived this life for 42 years and has only gotten worse my husband masturbates and watches porn every night and then when he does Try to have sex he can’t and of course this is my fault to. He has controlled our entire life since I was 18 and yes he has taken every bit of my self esteem he controls the money decides where we go and what we do, he withholds intamacy until I comply to his demands I am beginning to hate this man and I always thought we would grow closes with age but it is just the opposite . He is an alcholic as was his father and the more I look at him the more I see his father. He has since quit drinking and attending aaa which the meetings are the best part if my week because he is home I am so tired of being wrong he lives onthe oast still hating me for things that happened 30 years ago where I hamd forgiven him he will never forgive me I have no respect left !

      Reply
  • Patti Anderson August 6, 2013, 8:03 am

    I am dealing with a man that expects me to go out of the way for him but when it is his turn there is always an excuse. He procrastinates with everything even getting out of bed in the morning. He is always right even though he knows he is wrong. He critisizes others for things and then turns around and does it himself. He watches everything I do and then tells me a better way to do it. I am losing that loving feeling. Even when he makes a mistake and really needs to apologize, he will argue and fight and turn the tables before he admits he is wrong. Sad thing is that he needs me financially and I feel if I leave the guilt of leaving him high and dry will consume me. I am unhappy and pray every night that this man wakes up and smells the coffee. One foot out the door and growing resentment daily.

    Reply
    • Eight Years Out January 7, 2014, 6:45 pm

      You are an angel. If I was financially able, I would have probably been gone. That is probably why God has not be successfully employed for awhile.

      Reply
      • Shellie Roy February 23, 2014, 3:27 am

        I feel exactly the same. My man has all the money/power. He feels since he pays the bills he doesn’t have to live by the same standards he holds me to. I am so opinionated and outspoken and educated. He is not educated. . However, my input is worthless to him. I’m so tired of a man who is so insecure making me feel cometely useless and unlovable. I really think God is allowing it to get so uncomfortable that I’ll finally leave. Even if it’s to live in a shelter. I do love me still.

    • B. Warren February 22, 2014, 9:47 pm

      Reading Patti’s statement sounds just like where I am. If I say blue, he says red; if I say up, he says down; if I say right, he says left. I am so tired of arguing and being wrong. I hate it. Whatever happened to people being nice to each other. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even want to say anything because if I do, no matter what it is, it will be wrong. I have prayed that it will get better and that if I change, things will get better but they don’t. He is always right and I need to realize that if I am going to stay in this relationship I will have to deal with being wrong.

      Reply
      • Shellie Roy February 23, 2014, 1:22 am

        OMG. U hacked my life/brain/relationship. I swear these exact, identical,depressing words came out of my mouth today. Freaky. I’m so over it. I really am having a hard time not hating him as a Christian. I have got to go. Or I will die. I’ll die to a point that I’m even more dead than I am. And that isn’t possible. Ugh.

  • greenbean September 16, 2013, 12:36 pm

    I was with someone like this for more than a decade and I thought it was my job to keep the peace and compromise. It eventually messed with my own self esteem being such a ‘bendy’ person and where this man would insist he was right, debate the hell out of it for weeks until I was just emotionally exhausted and would give in… even where there was tangible evidence that he was wrong and I was right. Anyway, I eventually left him and he begged me to come back but all I could see was more years ahead of this type of “abuse” and I do think it’s abuse. I think someone who has to be right all the time, a husband or boyfriend has a need to control due to low self confidence but they won’t give up the fight, they’d rather be right and mess up their relationships than ever admit they are wrong or ever seek help for their self confidence. I saw myself as a crutch to him or someone who he could always “in a sense” beat up with his need to always be right to make himself feel better about himself, and he never cared if it destroyed me or our relationship because his low self esteem was more important to him. So I realized he’d never change or at least that I wasn’t interested in wasting one more minute of my life being this person to him. Luckily I did have the financial resources to leave. Sadly, I date a lot and have to tell you that probably 80 to 90 percent of the men I go out with exhibit this sort of behaviour, I recognize the signs pretty early on as subtle as they may be. I’ve decided not to bother dating anymore lol not interested in having my self esteem degraded by someone like that or be someone’s crutch or play games and pretend it doesn’t matter.

    Reply
  • Befuddled September 16, 2013, 3:58 pm

    Narcissistic personality disorder. Look this up. Melanie Tonia Evans’ website will explain it all.

    Reply
    • Shellie Roy February 23, 2014, 3:31 am

      Rock on befuddled. I want to be like you someday soon. Aren’t you happier now?

      Reply
  • Stork October 3, 2013, 8:01 pm

    I am so sorry for you. I am in exactly the same state. For my part, I have given up hoping I can ever expect a compromise, so, as you do, I am either silent or I agree with him just to get over the blowup.
    All I can see is to try and glean as much satisfaction out of life as I can from other individuals and other activities. That is where I am now. I have put myself on a one year schedule. If, at the end of one year, my personal life changes do not seem adequate, I will reassess from there. My husband is old and I really don’t believe that any compromise on his part is reasonable. He has recently completely rejected one of our children due to actions on our child’s part that we do not approve of. When his total rejection and disinheritence of our child happended I lhave lost all interest in trying to “to the extra mile” and compromise on my part. I don’t like my child’s choice either, but I know I have communicated that and we can still have a relationship despite our differences. Not for my spouse. It is his way or no way. He grills me every day about my child and whether the child will change or not. It is to the point I would like to scream. He is so full of pride and so empty of love he will not call the child. He just piles the responsibility and the guilt (about something I have no control over) onto me. And then he just ratchets up the continuous nagging, nagging, nagging.
    Please take care of yourself and do not let yourself slip into complete depression which is where I am. Do not, under any circumstances let yourself fall that far as you may reach a point where you are not able to pull yourself out….
    Take care. My heart truly bleeds for you. The most horrible thing I know of is to be saddled in a loveless marrieage from which you cannot escape.

    Reply
  • bob November 21, 2013, 8:15 am

    Anyone have wives who always want to argue and insist that she is correct? Women can be more knowitall.in situations and you can never tell them they are wrong. As a guy i tell her once or twice and i love watching her fail thats when she finally listens. God help men out there with stubborn wives!

    Reply
  • Anonymous November 21, 2013, 7:30 pm

    hello, I’m new to this. But as I started reading this issues, it actually applies to me (well..sometimes). I too have been married for 4 yrs with 2 children of our own. When I had our youngest things went sour. He decided to play games and met someone else. His excuse were working late or doing homework while I was at home taking of our own and being a “mommy” and wife. I never used to think he was doing anything until that night I felt it was getting too much of late nights. Soon enough, I checked his personal email that I never check…and there a picture of him sent to someone who I new.
    I was really stupid and thought it wasn’t. He lied so many times and tried so hard so he can just see her. I must admit…it was crushing, i felt i was nothing i felt devastated. He was my everything. Now..2 years later we decided to work things out and be a family again. But I feel like sometimes he punishes me and tries to find clues as if I was doing something to get back at him. Even though my ass works all the G** time and go home ..I have no life but just my family..how is this fair?
    Im so fed up and I dont know what to do.

    Reply
  • Just a penny advice January 7, 2014, 1:06 am

    Then i end up in the big messed.I was once in all your shoes, but after all the learning and researching. I was changed and my marriage changed, my home changed for the better. It was after 13 yrs of marriage. It was not easy but the results and the consistency of actions i put on it paid off.
    I am a type of person who is quiet, so to received verbal abused, feeling not loved i got, i did rebell, left my spouse, and end up with more problems and after just being quiet, or being stubborn i said i decided my own choice, not knowing what to do. I end up getting hurt more. after 8 years He cheated and left me also. It hurts, but those wrong advice i did only resulted to more hurts for my family and kids. So i almost kill myself, but because of my children and some fear of God, that the only way for me when i was in my deepest, lowest, downfall situation, after i’ve done all what i know and listen to all the people and the blog is for me to look up, to the one who created the marriage. I keep asking why? Many times…..He, God, would know. Yes, He created the marriage, Does he knows or does he have a solution for this kind of marriage? Everyday, I prayed and prayed that the only one I got is God, total dependent on Him, and then I do my part, that after what I learned and heard it all depends upon my actions. God showed me a way, One day, I stumbled in one of the Radio Station. 105.1 FM. “Focus on the family”. Family thrive. They have lots of testimonies and advice that i heard that is really helped me. These are broken families that God fixes, worst than anyone i have heard of. They councel and help too. God showed me in the book of proverbs. Then I heard about the teaching of “Andrew Wommack”for our relationship with God. They are all free of charge so I took advantage of that.
    The bible says “Only by pride, comes contentions, but with the well advised is wisdom”. It is not by pride, but only by pride. We as human are always tendency to do everything “our way” If you are not willing to try to do what God wants you to do, it will never work for you. I keep searching and listening to the word of God everyday. I built my self, my confidence and my trust to the only one who created the humanit and marriage, which is God. If you think that your ways does not work..Try God and dont give up. I did, and now i am the glad I tried, He fixes me and my spouse. He does not go to church, but now he does also, little by little. Even though He cheated, and tells me all kinds of hurtful words, treat me like i am the stupid of all, but because I know in my self that God bought me for a price, i dont buy on those( i started listening to the word of God so this never intimidate me without my consent), instead i feel pity on those people who are like him, because, they cant find where to put themselves, they are actually feeling low self esteem and mirroring themselves to you by telling it to you what they are, they are empty and keep blaming others. I learned, by God’s grace how to deal with it, and God helped me how to love my spouse unconditionally like God loves us and i received what exactly i needed. Respect and love and care.
    My problem will not be the same as yours, or worst. But i know that God knows and have resolution for all our problems. The only way to obtain is our full cooperation and submission to obtain God’s amazing power in our marriage, or relationships. God’s way is higher or far from our human ways. I pray that you all seek the one who created the marriage and He will added everything of what you need in your life. If God fixes my marriage and both of us in the marriage. He is willing to do yours also. God is not a respecter of person.
    Be blessed!

    Reply
  • Eight Years Out January 7, 2014, 6:42 pm

    I have been married for eight years. My husband is 12 years older than I am. When we were dating, my husband never, ever raised his voice to me. Unfortunately we only dated for seven months before we were married and lived 12 hours apart. He does not handle stress well and raises his voice and takes it out on me. I have let him know that this is very hurtful. He is very generous, which is one of the things that I loved about him. However, that turns out to be a big issue in our marriage. He did admit to me that he had $30,000 in unsecured credit card debt while we were married, but we agreed that I would control the finances once we were married because I came into the marriage debt free. That never happened. My husband always picks up the check and grossly over tips. That is fine if you do not have staggering debts piled up. I have never met a single Christian person who did not want to eliminate their debts. His view is that he wants to be remembered as someone who helped people, not someone who died debt free. He feels that he is sticking it to the credit card people who screwed him over at one time or other. He makes over 6 figures, but we live way outside of our means. He knows absolutely everything and it is hard to enjoy conversations with someone who feels everything is up for debate. This is his third marriage and I am starting to see why.

    Reply
  • Time waits for no man, neither do I February 8, 2014, 1:10 pm

    I have an exact answer. Shut it down. He can’t win the game if you don’t play.

    Ask him if he thinks he’s right. Then ask him if he’s certain his perspective is the only one that might be right or are there others he could consider. Don’t bother offering your opinion if it’s going to fall on deaf ears. Your opinion is valued and first and foremost you must value it enough not to entertain time wasters.

    I too married Mr. Know it all but everyone is responsible for their own happiness and learning. You are their wife, not their mom, not their teacher, not their counsellor. As unhelpful as that might sound he’s a big boy – it’s ok to say you don’t have the answers to everything and encourage them to keep looking for the answer. And when they sulk just let them know if you come across the answer or another perspective you’ll be sure to tell them of it.

    I love my husband but my care factor when it comes to irrelevant, trivial, rubbish is pretty much on the ground. He has to really work hard to justify why I should even care about an issue before I’ll consider debating it if it’s trivial and as sad as that sounds…. I really don’t care. It saves me a lot of time and I need that time to do what I want with my life.

    Reply
    • Amy November 8, 2014, 6:56 am

      I appreciate the straightforwardness of your answer. My question is this-When you say that he needs to work hard to justify why you should even engage in a conversation on a topic (paraphrasing), I can understand if it’s “trivial”, etc. (Who will win the SuperBowl this year, etc. type of trivial.) What if the topic is one of importance such as your children and their grades or things of that caliber. Issues that, in my opinion, are bigger than trivial. Children’s disrespectful nature towards others? Case in point-Child ‘A’ is his. Child ‘A’ feels as though her “sh*t doesn’t stink” so has no problem offering her opinion and quite frankly in other words, hands down her “decree” on any situation. (Judge, jury, executioner) I have raised my own kids (and yes, they are far from perfect) in a much more forgiving, respectful light. (They are a product of an alcoholic Mom-me, and an alcoholic Dad-my ex. They are amazingly enough not kids with hearts of stone which would be 100% justifiable.) I disagree with the “challenge everything”stance…she’s 13. A teacher says to stop talking-Stop talking. There’s 99.99999% of a chance you are interrupting something by talking. Dad’s stance-challenge the teacher. Why does she get to tell you what to do? She is employed because of children. This all said, and my question, I did sagree with his parenting “technique” (rolling my eyes) and how that allows his daughter to behave towards me. It’s an argument I can’t win but how is the best way to cope? (Yes, she knows the baby talk and the stroking of his ego get her much farther with him. Truly disgusting to watch.) Thank you.

      Reply
  • aeliya May 19, 2014, 5:07 am

    hi
    i have been in the same boat for a little more than three years.. there are a couple of ways of doing things the “right” way but my better half fails to understand this…its always his way or the high way…. my self esteem has gone down the drain, i am indecisive, stressed and mostly unhappy… i have not bee appreciated in more than 3 years, i have not gotten a hug without asking or a kiss without asking.
    my day starts with “you got up late”, continues with the same kind of behaviour all day and ends with our backs to each other on the same bed. im always unhappy when i wake up… never looking forward to a bright new sunny day with a silver lining.. i dread waking up everyday… the best part of my marriage is sleep… makes me forget everything… i look forward everyday to 1;00 am because thats when i fall asleep.
    one leg is out the door… i contemplate separation but freak out and stay put… i guess i have to be subjected to more atrocious behaviour which will literally push me out the door…

    Reply
    • RavSean May 20, 2014, 8:18 pm

      Aeliya…

      Please be careful. The more atrocious behaviour to which you refer can cause injury or death. It is also quite easy to talk about leaving during the warm weather. Consider that the behaviour that might finally push you out the door could happen in the dead of winter also.

      To criticize you from the first words and throughout the day is verbal abuse. It is one side of a multi-faceted coin which includes physical abuse, emotional abuse, and every other type of abuse that can exist. You deserve better.

      If you choose to stay, stay. But speak to a counsellor. A counsellor will teach you the techniques that you will need to build and maintain your sense of self.

      If you choose to leave, make sure that you have a plan. Your plan should include a means, a destination, new e-mail, new cell phone, cash, and your own credit card. To leave on a whim in the middle of the night will only bring you back into the situation.

      Good luck.

      RavSean

      Reply
  • Melody Melhaff July 7, 2014, 4:26 am

    Never argue with a know it all, for it is impossible to win. These people cannot be fixed. They were simply born this way. If you find yourself in a relationship with one, turn and run, as fast as you can, the other way.

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  • enca July 17, 2014, 3:36 pm

    Sounds exactly like my husband. I try my best to tolerate his behavior but at times i disagree with him and that’s when he gets mad at me.

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  • 40+year fool August 3, 2014, 7:45 pm

    I am 59 years old married to my love since high school. 42 years of struggle and 3 grown kids and kept waiting for his stress to calm. Vacations are awesome when he has cocktails and forgets work and family stress. Very intelligent man. Grew up in military family and was best disciplined of 4 boys. His mother thinks he has never done anything but the best. Hard to live up to. I quit cooking when was insulted with tough roast by putting shoe on plate and trying to saw with knife. His mom never cooked either. Should have know then. Used to be violent but finally I fought back so that ended. Now it’s the silent treatment or abusive words. I know I will NEVER be right. Even in the areas I am educated in accounting/taxes. I hear the demeaning comments all the time. “Oh is that the new hat you put on today” (referencing my opinion on anything or any word about of my mouth). I’m surprised my daughter even asks about my grand kids symptoms. (She has his personality more than her 2 older brothers ). When do you give up? So hard after so long!

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    • 40+fool August 3, 2014, 7:50 pm

      Oh by way don’t even try to have friends. Or you will be accused of being lesbian. Or even worse mention any guy, you must be seeing a boyfriend! Really at 59 I only want the love of my life

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  • Patty August 9, 2014, 3:05 pm

    Yup. I have a guy who always has to be right. I told him to turn right to get to a store that I know where it was. He turned left instead. Then, he went full circle until we were back where I had told him to go in the first place. He spends too much money. He gambles. la la la

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    • 40+fool October 1, 2014, 8:23 pm

      It’s ok when my husband spends money. Not okay when I do unless he agrees with what it was spent on. Not a drinker or into drugs or gambling. Way to serious for that. Would rather be a martyr.

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  • Karen September 15, 2014, 7:37 am

    My husband has a great memory and he loves to argue about what was actually said or done to win an argument. We have been watching the Netflix series The Good Wives and I realize he acts like a lawyer, its not about what is really true, its about how he can win an argument with clever manipulations and blame. In one episode the judge insisted each lawyer end their comments with “in my opinion”. The beauty of this is it helps everyone recognize the game of communication… it is an approximation of clarity, your own clarity. I can accept my husband’s opinion when he is not trying to be right and make me wrong and he can accept mine. I hope this helps someone.

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  • kyr October 1, 2014, 6:00 pm

    I am also married to a ‘lawyer’. To me it isn’t even about having 2 different opinions… whatever, no big deal. My problem is he just wants to break down any random thing I say. My daughter asked him for $4 today for a field trip coming up, he said “I will get some cash and you can take it tomorrow” she said just write a check! He said no, I’ll get it today…. she said but why? I said people don’t usually write checks for things that are only a few dollars honey. He starts in on me… who are these people and why don’t they write checks for a few dollars!?! (I don’t like this because it is multiple times a day and I really am disliking being married) I asked him why does he have to break apart everything I say, I don’t want to be on a debate team. I was just backing him up and answering my daughter. But for the record people don’t like writing checks for a few dollars because if it were to bounce a $4 check can end up costing you $50 or more. And he is the one who just didn’t want to write a darn check! It seems so silly, but when someone wants to pick you apart all the time it is maddening. It makes the children not take you seriously… oh and he really loves pretending he doesn’t know what slang type words mean…. like if I say something is ‘lame’ he will say what I don’t get it, it can’t use its legs?, it doesn’t have legs. It isn’t even a thing.. I just call him out that he knows what it means and that once again I don’t want to argue, and he goes off and sulks. It is crazy making

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    • Uma November 11, 2014, 12:05 pm

      How annoying and perverse. I know the type all too well… This one does it so much and is so pushy that eventually I blow up and firmly state something OR YELL and then of course from then on out I’m the bad guy. Drove me nuts, I act nuts, now he’s the sad little butthole who was so terribly mistreated. NEVER apologizes. Must have been raised by real charmers.

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  • queen N October 7, 2014, 6:04 am

    My husband decides everything financially and the sad part is we working together.we have 3 children 12 8 and 2yrs old. I am not getting paid because he is telling me that he pays school fees buy food and paying installments with the money thats supposed to be my salary…if he finds me having any money i have to explain to him who gave it to me and its saddens me very much. His favourite words are my house, my car, my business and he is always right he controls my every move…im so tired of being treated like doormat

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  • Lia October 11, 2014, 12:32 am

    Holy crap… I started reading this and honestly it was like you pulled my thoughts right out of my head.

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  • Sergio betancourt October 24, 2014, 4:44 am

    He’s obviously bipolar or has borderline personality disorder .

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  • Dawn October 25, 2014, 9:30 pm

    I’m about at the end of my rope. My hubby has this thing he likes to do. Whenever he makes a mistake, he can’t admit he has. Instead, he turns it around and makes sure to tell me that it was my fault. He says things, then doesn’t remember them. I worry about him, we had an amazing marriage at first…. We have beautiful sons. His granny had Alzheimer’s. He’s almost 50. I’m tired of being at fault for everything.

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  • Judith White October 27, 2014, 12:36 pm

    My husband and I are separated and have so called tried to work things out, he started attacking me over little things when I went up to visit him. Instead of staying one more night and deal with this, I went back to S.C.This made hint angry, but it got the point across that I left for this very reason and will continue if attacked verbally and always made to feel guilty about my feelings. Sometimes pulling away is the only way to get their attention. If that does’t work, then let go and give iy time. If he loves you, he will either come back to work with you or stay away.This way you are putting it back in his lap. Try not to harbor anger so you will .br free and pray to find peace.

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  • Jon November 1, 2014, 3:45 pm

    What is quite interesting about all this is the fact that it is all from a woman’s perspective. I am a man in a relationship whereby all the influence is outside my control. They say no man is an island, well I do a pretty good impression of one. If I have an opinion it is secondary to the family base already built. I came into everything late, so my say is unimportant. For example, if the girls are watching a film and I choose to wash up as I came in on it late, then I follow that up by sorting out the kitchen and all that needs doing, then I’m being selfish because I’m making noise. BUT if I don’t do anything ever and sit on my backside all day I’m lazy. Basically I can do things, but when I’M told to. I can appreciate that things are supposed to be down the middle but what harm am I doing by doing a job noone can be bothered to do at the time. If it gets left then it will only end up either being done by me anyway, or moaned about in terms of the fact I didn’t do it or at least offer. Apparently I have an attitude problem, which I’m seeing someone to discuss but even this indicates I’m in the wrong? How can I be constantly in the wrong WHATEVER I do? I’m 40 years old, have moved out of home and don’t see who should tell me how I should be. It sounds like I’m throwing my rattle out of my pram but I’m not, I am merely looking for clarification of what I should do. I’m told working down the middle works, but when I don’t make the rules, where the hell is the middle?

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    • Joanie November 11, 2014, 12:17 pm

      You’re right, this is not gender specific whatsoever. When everything you do is wrong, you are not trusted, respected or appreciated. I think it’s true what they say, when you second guess yourself, aren’t on guard for such behavior, if you ever tolerate it, the boundary vanishes. I’ve entered a relationship with a person who I knew didn’t respect others, was a bad listener, wasn’t empathetic, was full of themself. I somehow fooled myself into thinking that since they fell in love with me, that they wouldn’t treat me like that. I was wrong. It’s not you, there’s nothing you can do that I know of. I’ve been in several long term relationships and the worst one is when the person is just a jerk.

      Reply
  • Stella November 11, 2014, 11:25 pm

    We can both be hot headed. We invoked the absolute worse reactions out of each other during arguments. So long story/ history short… About 2-3 months ago I was ready to walk out. Of course he cried and begged me to try. For the sake of the lease that we are currently in, I agreed to stay and we can use these remaining 6 months to see if we can repair things. We’ve been together for almost 4 years, we have an 18 month old and I have two other kids from a previous marriage who are 11 and 12. Now instead of having frequent violent blow ups we have a new habit of completely avoiding each other. I’ve tried and it’s like he’s checked out and I try to stay out of his way. When I’ve had enough and react it’s me not caring about his feelings and I’m only reacting to him being hurt, I don’t actually have valid reasons to be upset. He insults and cusses and I grew up a similar household. I can bite my tongue to a certain degree but for more reasons than mentioned, I’m growing extremely resentful, fed up, and I’m over his tantrums. Recently he flipped out about me not supporting his vision on a new hair cut. Mind you he has curly wavy hair and he showed me a pick of a guy with straight hair. When I told him it’s not realistic to expected to look that way, he flipped out and was super hurt. This is a petty example I have much more and many others that are serious. I just want it to end, I want me back. I just need to learn how to disengage when he cusses me out, insults me and purposely going for a reaction. I have fallen to that each time because I’m the type of person who respects herself and don’t think any man should speak to me that way, especially the father of my child and the man I’m in a relationship with.

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  • Ready to go November 14, 2014, 4:25 am

    I hv been in a relationship w a man for 4 years. We hv experienced a lot of loss. We went into a business together that failed because of his need to always b right. He believes he is the jack of all trades but in actually the master of none. He won’t even allow me to excel in areas that I am qualified in. He always references the bible stating that the man is the head of the house and what he says goes. While I do believe that God intended for their to be one leader per household I don’t think he meant a dictatorship. We recently hv considered starting another business together. We went to speak to our lawyer to help us properly set up our business and out line the structure. Not 5 mins after we left he stated so basically I’m running the show and u execute. Needless to say I’m not with that as our last business venture cost us more than $500k. I’m not willing to invest that type of time or money again w someone wants to RUN THE SHOW.. I’m giving it until the end of the year. I’m going to put everything on the table and if his behavior doesn’t change I’m out ✌️

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  • Page November 18, 2014, 4:38 pm

    I’m in a similar situation. Both of us are argumentative over topics, but he goes that extra mile of putting down my opinion and insulting me until I either cut the coversation off or admit he is right.
    It’s interesting reading this section of similar complaints, makes me wonder what our partners would say about us – because these things usually are a two way street.
    But given that it’s such a common problem with guys being know it alls (in my experience), it leaves me to think the choice is more between being along or staying with unpleasant people. I feel that changing partners won’t help, the next will likely have the same issues. I personally choose to stay for that reason, at least for now. Better to be with the devil you know than one you don’t.

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  • Daniella 40 November 23, 2014, 2:18 am

    Everyone of these stories has something close to my relationship. My nerves are bad, its been 17years. I’m tired of being treated and talked to like a child. Father know it all is always right. I pray I don’t snap and do something. I cry more than anything,. I have also started smoking. The children is what I worry about. If I didn’t have them I would leave and never look back. Praying for a miracle… Not to stay in the marriage, but to free me from it without causing more harm.

    Reply
  • HeartBrokenLia November 25, 2014, 6:56 pm

    Ok. I read this blog. I hear you. I am in a very similar situation. But the bottom line is I LOVE my husband. So what is the solution? What is wrong with him (or me)?

    We cannot agree on anything. If I question anything he gets mad. If I offer my opinion it’s a stupid idea. The only time we get along is when I am completely docile and agreeable.

    He is selfish. I guess that’s the word. He spends money on things he wants while I can’t even buy the foundation I want.

    He doesnt wear his wedding ring.

    And now he’s locked his phone so I can’t get into it. Even though we’ve always shared passwords. He got mad at me because I had a second Facebook account that I used to play a game that I’ve had since before I knew him. And he’s mad because I won’t close it. Even though I don’t have access to his phone. He wants me to cave in and close my Facebook account that I haven’t even logged into in over a year simply because he said so.

    What is the solution?

    Counseling?

    Is there something wrong with me?

    He says its me. He says I’m too sensitive.

    He takes nonrespobiltiy for anything

    He never says sorry.

    I tell him I love him and he either says nothing or he response with “what?” Or “show me”.

    He breaks my heart and he knows this, but doesn’t care.

    I feel like I married someone’s that doesn’t love me.

    I don’t want a divorce.

    I want a solution.

    He never compliments me. Never says anything good to me or about me.

    I feel ugly. And stupid.

    He spends no time with me because he’s too busy playing video games or on his phone.

    I am at my wits end.

    Reply
  • worn out November 26, 2014, 10:09 am

    the same applies to me..he gets upset wit evrything i say…im da educated one and he is not and clearly our level of thinking is diffrent.honestly speaking im da humbliest wife ever! bt he doesnt seem 2 appreciate.he says bullshit in public…shouts at me and da neighbours would hear everything.he makes me feel inferior!!!im fed up though we hv bin married for over a year now.i waz raised by a single mum and i know hw it feels lyk thus i cant get out of the marriage coz i dont want my daughter to go through the same phase.please help me.i have tried to tel him how he makes me feel and he wil tel m it wont happen again.The worst thing is his harsh Hot Horrible TEMPER!!!!!!!!!!Im just sick of it

    Reply
  • Ongmu drukpa November 27, 2014, 12:21 pm

    Hey dnt give up,its really hard throughout life bt its a little try to help ur love once to tolerate his behaviour.look im 21yrs old n hv only 2yrs of experience in dis subject. Hurt ,bt to stand with him is my love,i know u can’t want to loss , so ignore sm behave also convence dat he is a kind of high temper…and when u hv a good time with echothr…(night at bed) Hold him and convence dat u both did wrong n want help frm him kiss him hug him n say u wnt live without him n say i love u.try once fr mme like dis convence him,m gland to advice u.im frm india,

    Reply
  • Fed up November 27, 2014, 12:46 pm

    hey i also feel d same way .dat my husband did nt allow me to access his fb. When i say dat u mst b hidding smthng he makes noise n says to me dat if i said it by love he ll gave bt m making doubt so he didnt.bt d doubt creating himself no.he didnt allow politely so i doubt him .,nw plz tell me who is wronh .he is nt too bad bt yes nt good too.bt i really love him to leave him means to my death,he loves me bt y sm tym he act like he inforced, regreted,nt me d girl wch he was married.plz in my case who is wrong we both r 22yrs old or its is happning frm our unmaturity in age?we loved eachother bt y i ll happner

    Reply

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