How to argue with Mr. Always Right

A Reader Participation Post

Here’s a “biggest marital problem” sent to me by a reader:

My husband is aggressive, rude, and is always right and I am always wrong. Therefore I no longer have serious conversations with him. I try to avoid talking about anything that he might find upsetting, even though it may be something that is upsetting to me. We basically don’t have a relationship. I desperately would like to have a relationship, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is capable of it. I just agree with what he says. If I don’t he gets very angry and says that I just want to argue. If I ask him questions he gets angry too, so I will just ask him one question if I want to know something. If I don’t like or don’t understand his answer, I won’t say anything because that makes him very angry. What should I do?

Readers: This is all you. Can you help this reader with her biggest marital problem? I’m giving you two weeks to wrestle with this one. I will be awarding prizes to 5 people who I judge (by purely non-objective standards) to have the most helpful and insightful advice. The prizes include a free signed copy of my book Project: Happily Ever After + several other books that publishers have sent me recently: Jenn Berman’s Rockin Babies (I have two copies), Byron Pitts’ Step Out of Nothing, and Hulk Hogan’s My Life Outside the Ring.

Note: For the next two weeks, I will be taking a social media vacation. It do this once or twice a year whenever I start to feel stale, burned out, and irritated with humanity. Now is that time of year. I hope to return in two weeks as the generous, kind, loving, somewhat positive person I once knew. Because I won’t be posting much this month, the more comments you leave on this and other older posts, the higher your chances of winning the next Reader of the Month. For July Rental Car Choices will be giving away a free pass to Universal Studios. Make sure you click through to the actual blog to comment. Comments sent to me via email or left on Facebook don’t count for this promotion.

228 comments… add one

  • Linda June 5, 2015, 10:27 pm

    I’ve lived with the same husband as yours for 43 years. Youngest of 3 kids is 34 and she (only girl) is most like him. Love all 3 and wouldn’t change that but we are early 60s and life has to be better. Should have followed my instincts 30 years ago. I now have no close friends (he has made sure of that) and none of my kids want to be around him. So I’m lonely, depressed, want a relationship and have none. Don’t wait till your old and decide life won’t get better. Decide if this is what you are in for LONG term. I took my vows in1971 and have tried to be the pin cushion but it gets harder everyday. Only you can weigh your circumstances as I’ve had great times but wondering now if it’s worth the daily emotional abuse.

    • Sandy July 2, 2015, 1:59 pm

      I think Im same boat been there 30 yrs,, my husband gets mad at me no matter what I say, I try to be so good, try to make him happy, and if I talk about things to him like I would like to fix the house up down the road or like to buy this…… he just sits and listens then all of a sudden he throws it in my face, he says everything he has to say about everything I have said it can be yrs. gone by and he throws some thing from that in my face.. he is a type a person according to him its all my fault, he gets mad if he has to get out of bed, he gets mad if he has to work around the yard or fix some thing, he gets mad because he hates his job, he gets mad at me for everything wrong in his life, Im so unhappy, oh he is good to me in own weird way, he says im not right in the head, but when I think about everything in his past I have heard from his mom, he needed anger management but he never went, he always look for someone to say some thing to him so he can beat them up.. he is almost 60 yrs old.. he recently lost his father he lost his mother a few years before that I have lost my whole family except for a sister who lives far away, I cant talk to no one, I have no friends, he wants to control my life I been doing this for almost 30yrs..whats wrong with me… am I stupid to stay im old now im 62, just like today he couldn’t change the tv because I was recording 3 shows you can record 5 he threw remote got mad at me told me to shove the tv up my ass.. and got up left for work early said he was sick of this and left.. I don’t know if he’ll be home… I have no idea… but Im so tired of trying to be a good person with him.. I don’t even know when I said anything wrong to tell you the truth.. to me im just talking about things.. well im learning now while he sits there and takes it all in…. what is he thinking?? so I decided today if he comes back I wont talk no more.. I’ll just cook and clean and take care of my pets and talk only when and if he talks to me right? im so think the man I fell in love with is grouch… now..

      • Ashley July 10, 2015, 3:53 am

        I have only been married for 3 years to my husband he does and says the same kind of things the sad part of it all is hes only 30 and i dont think i can handle this for another 30 years. I wake up sad and i go to sleep angry.

      • Danielle July 10, 2015, 8:12 am

        JULY 3, 2015, 8:55 AM
        Start investing in yourself. Working out, spending time with girlfriends, change your hair.
        We teach people how to treat us. Stand up for yourself; and let this coward know that it’s unacceptable to be talked down to, made fun of, or be rude. Your feet are your best weapon, use them. Say what you need to say and move your feet, leave the room, etc.
        Make decisions that empower YOU, and start doing things that you enjoy.

      • Jo August 12, 2015, 10:04 pm

        Oh my love
        Just want to give u a big hug
        Personaly id walk awY screw the man for all he has an be comfirtabe xx my heart gos out to u xx

      • Yvonne August 24, 2015, 8:56 am

        I’ve been going to the same thing. It’s been a rough week I feel like nothing I do or I can’t say anything without him blowing up and shutting me out for days to punish me. After workout yesterday I picked him up and told him I wanted to take him to dinner. It was awkward I tried to find conversation with him I was talking to him in a nice tone basically walking on eggshells. Of course he got attitude over something I don’t even know what I said and started cussing at me. I’ve been dealing with this all week.. I just took a deep breath and it looked right at him and ask him where is that coming from what is triggering you he said I don’t know I’m just angry I said ok I’m trying to make this better can you tell me why you got angry then he flipped out..called me a c**t. At that point I grab my wallet my car keys and went and SAT in the car for about 10 minutes till he came out got home I went straight to the room and as usual he went to the other room. Im not usded to being talked to like that. My heart is broken I don’t know what to do I think I’m just going to stay quiet and out of his way so he decides who wants to be with me or not I’m sorry you’re going through that but you’re not alone we’ve only been married 2 years i want to stay married but he shot down

    • Marla July 19, 2015, 3:30 pm

      My husband is the same and I respectfully stand my ground. I don’t shut up. If he says I argue, I say yes damn right I am going to argue especially with you. A conflict ridden man., so be strong and communicate to solve problems. Every relationship has it’s problems. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. You have to work at it

      • Cassi August 15, 2015, 11:44 pm

        i have been with my husband for 8 yrs married 3 I’m going threw the same thing except my husband believes in domestic discipline and he has no respect for me what so ever we have a 2 1/2 yrs old son and we separated for Couple weeks and I went and spoke to legal aid and told him everything my husband does to me and he was in shock and had never heard of domestic discipline in the 25 yrs he was a lawyer. My husband agreed to stop doing it and we decided to give it another try well he went right back to it again calling me names treating me like I’m a child, anyone that I have told what happens always says just leave but no one knows how hard it is until they are in the situation.

    • isis56 July 19, 2015, 5:24 pm

      Sandy, watched my husband tear so many people apart since 2001. That was when all he had to do was go take his name off a job bid, and let the some of his fathers best friend have the job that was bid on, But my husband stood on his seniority rights that morning and really made four men so angry they were going to get him in to take his name off one way or another. I had promised my husband if he just backed of this job one more time I would make our marriage bed right, start letting him have his rights as my husband, and even go to bat for him with his father and everyone else about letting him have time for himself like vacations and holidays. My husband looked at me when I offered and said yeah chicken little you are seeing the sky fall, he told me I had not kept one promise to him since the day we married 20 years before why should he believe I would this time, The next morning the four men followed him up on our porch and they laid their hands on my husband to drag him back, And he turned our front porch into a blood bath. Police and emergency services where called and the barely saved several lives that morning.

      Sex denial was the only way I could get my husband to do as he was asked until that morning, then he started to wish I was dead. I had hoped that one day he would understand that what he was forced into was for every ones good and kept peoples temper down, Since that night he doesn’t even care if he is alive or dead.

      As for sex denial he called a dead stop to that one terrifying evening. refused any negotiation any longer and I had to submit or possibly get killed. every thing wanted in the way of a consession from my husband now is a non starter when he asks what’s in it for me, I know when that is asked there isn’t any use in continuing to beg plead, or explain the need for him to back off. e loves defying every thing asked of him now.

      He throws the fact I had several affairs in my face, while he was denied any possibility of a relationship. he threw the fact I had ten out of country vacations he paid for over the last 30 years, when I would beg him to understand somebody else needed the vacation slot more than he did in my face.

      Everything I did has gone to telling me I was a worthless wife that he was forced by the state to keep, He pointed out the evening what he had supplied in our marriage the night he decided a sexless life was done, he said I had not supplied the children he wanted, I had not kept our house clean, supplied any household funds, or cooked his one meal a day, or washed his cloths, I was just the community girlfriend as he put it. Now the only community I have is my mother and sister only because they moved out here the march before that we moved out here the year before, Thanks to that evening there was one son delivered and not by my choice. if I had known I was pregnant before the first three month were done I would have aborted.

      My husband has two places here to upkeep This one in the canyon next to my mother and sisters house across the road and one up at high range a two or three day horse ride or 45 minutes by chopper.

      The only thing he complained about his work was he was never at home, he worked seven days a week, 12 hours a day. 365 days a year from 1985 to 2009 he only was of the job six days when they removed a tumor off his brain stem, he should have been off much longer after that surgery but as usual I was afraid to take my husbands side or cause.

      Now I just hope oe day he is proud he was able to give others what he was never allowed, and that is the saddest thing in this. Like Moses he was only allowed to see the promise. never allowed to go there.

    • Nathalie Le Maire July 19, 2015, 11:30 pm

      . Dump the soon of a bitch, you don’t need this. You are dead on with him being abusive and it will get worse. You’re too young and beautiful to settle with this moron. He obviously has some serious issues and the fact he’s almost 50 years old means he’s always been like this and he’s not about to change.
      There’s a much better life for you out there. Love yourself first and the rest will come. Believe me, it will. Love and hugs to you my dear

    • Aaron young July 29, 2015, 6:40 am

      You should never EVER just let anyone win at anything however letting him think he’s won for the moment is ok just do things like get him to watch a movie or TV show or anything that fits your situation and let him see it from that perspective.. You could be surprised at his response. Now if he’s how u say then maybe you should try a new approach and or go you word things and if need be just play it right back at him. If you let him win then your enabling him to continue his behavior becsuse now his confidence and ego are boosted and he’s feeling pretty darn good so its sort of like you kinda set yourself up to loose. In his heart he knows he’s wrong but men and pride can often at times be hard to handle. Men think “logic” although some men have zero logic lol and women usually think off emotions…this is where we get all twisted up. May e try taking the personal feelings out of things and argue the logic, argue ur points with him as if you were a man and see if his respect for you and your knowledge or feelings changes, maybe he will start to listen because that’s what will make sense to him. I am a man myself lol so I think I know men well iv been accused of being a know it all too but I usually am rite lol but see I present the facts and scenarios and examples and I take her idea, opinion or w.e and I put them side by side to help us find the most reasonable …I can be an asshole but I don’t try to be hahaha I hope I helped.

      • isis56 July 29, 2015, 9:08 am

        Aaron, I never let him win at anything, I always had help forcing him to do what in many peoples opinion was right for everyone. Its just that what was right for everyone was not right for my husband, but he was the only one with the abilities to take over in many positions to accommodate other peoples needs. I feel my husband should be proud of what he enabled for other people, but he is not proud, he is resentful, angry and now a terror to everyone, accuses me of enabling the theft of 33 years of his life and he refuses to let me plead his fathers, his friends, or even my own needs in the society we moved from during the last 2 years off trouble. Even way out here he, now delights in destroying every ideal of peace and understanding I always believed in, because he want what he was denied for 3 decades, Sex, Vacations, Holidays and if he was not crippled and retired now, he would demand every weekend and day off due him under the contract, regardless who needed the time he wanted and for what reasons.
        I even begged and pleaded and cried about this years vacation cruise and the loan I was making his fathers friend to go on it, I pleaded for him to understand that his fathers friend had just gone through a very nasty divorce financially he was now responsible to two children born out of wedlock and after his wife found out about the two children she took everything in the divorce and his fathers friend needed the vacation much worse than my husband did even though he had not been on a real vacation for 33 years, the stresses on his fathers friend were tremendous, appealing to my husbands charity failed and he pulled the loan and converted the single berth for me into a double for both of us, he told me since I had been on ten vacation trips to his none I could give my berth up and stay home and he would go and see about meeting a new woman. One that would practically drag him into here room and have her way with him. Crying I had to let his arrangements stand, His father felt it was a bad breach of etiquette inviting himself over his fathers express wish his friend was to accompany me.
        My husband expressed it this way when we had to go to federal court about the charges of denial of Civil rights that he has been pushing. The judfge just like in a divorce asked my husband if there was any chance of reconciling differences with his father and his friends as well as me, he said as far as I am concerned the differences have become to great a gulf, he said I have been abused, pushed and blackmailed into doing what everyone wanted, and nobody had any regard for my needs and wants over 33 years, I was just told to shut up and do as I was told, that one day maybe I would be allowed to do as I wanted but until then that’s what was expected of me, he said my fathers friends used social and political means of forcing me into what they wanted, by threatening the local police and sheriffs department with using their offices and positions in the community to get funding cut back if they ever acted on a complaint I made, the commissioner my fathers best friend even told the sheriff if he tried to interfere with what, the wanted from my husband he would see to it the deparments funding was cut so far back they might be able to lick a postage stamp. I even saw several times when my husband said no make the lower seniority work a holiday when his father and his commissioner friend came over and started yelling at my husband when he did not leave for work, This happened about a half dozen times, when my husband would get loud right back. telling evreryone they could go to hell he was staying home that holiday and one of his father snot nosed friends brats could work instead, A deputy was usually called and in the middle of my husbands living room he would take one look at, his father friend standing there and he would tell my husband he could either go to work the 16 hour shift or spend the weekend in jail and see the judge when court reconvened in a few days.
        My husband had taken my journals, his own what he calls his personal logs, made the corporation he worked for turn over confidential security cam footage from the gates and parking lots, time keeping records and supervisors notes to the courts, It resulted in work rule changes where he worked about how much time somebody could work before being made to take a vacation holidays and weekend only a certain number could be worked in a row before having to take the next one off, Contract rules on seniority are now strictly followed, if there is a shift and job preference turned in it has to be allowed per the contract by seniority no matter what the one being bumped was going through in their life, In other words my husband cut any idea of humanity out of everything.
        As for his home life I can be charged on a state level with marital fraud for misrepresenting my intents in the marriage. Marital extortion for taking my husbands pay for myself for nothing in return for his toil,
        Also because I named names, dates, my husband logs supporting, as well as the security cams there’s conspiracy to deny civil rights by use of force and coearsion that many are being swept into that net, There also a little used law call maintaining a indentured servant by also force and coearsion as well as fraud.
        All told my husband is holding the ax that can chop our heads off, As for this last vacation the people that could be charged wanted too get together and talk about what could be offered my husband nit to push things to prison time for almost everyone, I can’t even file marital rape charges for the night he came home from the stress center 2 years ago..

      • Aaron young August 10, 2015, 5:22 am

        I have a more clear understanding and I apologize if at any point I did not express the proper respect or care. Based upon what you shared I think it’s best to let him win, stroke his ego pardon my language but “stroke a man penis, you get him for the moment, stroke a man’s ego and you can manipulate him in ways you never thought”. What I mean. Is let him have his way, accommodate him and make him feel good about him while we find a way for this divorce to be done.. Nd by we I mean we. I will look, research or help because no one should deal or go thru this. My father beat, abused and ever thing else to everyone for 8.5yrs. I watched my mother go through a chain of bullshit and she’s remained a good women but what its done tobher soul breaks my heart. My current fiance still suffers the scars of her ex husband and I hate it. Don’t argue, throw ur feelings on the ground and walk on them .give him his way, make the best of it and meanwhile find a way out. Email me if you want it, I’d like to help if I can. Even if it’s email n ur just venting. My fiance is in law school I’m studying to be a psychology and am developing a youth center and a program to help those of all ages with wat I can…advice etc. I have friends with the unessesary tools to help us find u a way to be happy, free again.

    • sonia August 11, 2015, 3:14 am

      I live in india, i am educated , but during the phase i met my husband ,since in india most people in india have an arranged marriage i got carried away , i am a arya samaji hindu and he is a roman catholic .in my head i thought positive of both the religions as i am not heavily into religion. but in the first week ofmy marriage i realised he did not love me but back then i was dumb, i had married him against my parents wishes so i did not confide to myparents and the badtemper i kept taking it, got a child . got thyroid but he has no shame ,if he is unhappy in office iam to blame.he is rude and i have got sick ofthis behavior . now i am suffering from depression but no effect on him feel like dying once and for all. heis only close to his mother and sisters and calls hem his blood i wish i could just delete my life with him at the click of my fingers. but i am not financially independent and have lost all my confidence so only my will and my daughter is pulling me . aftere my first child i did not want anymore children with him , mysociety is anyway regressive and i get very upset when men take advantage when a woman keeps silent andi did not want to give birth to a male.maybe for keeping the human race a male is neededotherwise they are of no use most families are running because of women because they shatter us , batter us and wqe go to self help groups while all along they are thinking they are perfect . a male ego is enough for one birth. i did not know but only recently came to know no matter which part of globe women,s condition is same every where why do usually it is on the woman to save a relationship , what can a person who has lost trust, dignity, happiness save?

    • Carol August 24, 2015, 7:34 am

      I’m just there with you after 44 years of a roller coaster relationship. I married in 1969 and should have gotten out. Back then there was no advice and we women were brainwashed that marriage was til death us do part. What a crock that was for us. Now, young women don’t take the abuse and get out. I know from experience these situations don’t get better because as they age…it gets worse! They are great with people outside but behind closed doors are completely different. People see them as great people but they are miserable and take their frustrations out on those who love them. If you have any money take it and run….better to live alone than with conflict every day! Every day in my own home there’s conflict and it’s never their fault, always someone else is to blame.

  • Jemna Card June 6, 2015, 3:32 pm

    Option 1 :- Record him, when he’s “right”, prove him wrong, treat him the same way back and when he confronts it, show him the same treatment to you by him on recording, if abusive, you have evidence. Do this, be in a unhappy game until it changes or ‘doesnt’

    Option 2 :- Walkout, secretly start setting yourself up somewhere else, make the plans then when he’s least expecting it, bam, give him the finger, smile and just walk out, leave the bastard speechless

    That’s my plan with my pathetic disgrace of a parner!

  • Calli June 25, 2015, 10:10 am

    For many years we managed to keep my husband from using his seniority at work and disrupting peoples lives. We used a combination of sex denial, Promises he would get something better in the future, compromise that he could have the next vacation , weekend or holiday If he would just not make waves. After a brain sugery to remove a tumor and relieve adult onset hydrocephalus, things started getting violent in his refusals the last this last march when he invited himself along on a cruise I was invited on his father was going to intimidate him into going back home with a ball bat, my husband did not pull his punch and broke his fathers neck, two years ago he also refused to allow me to refuse sex any longer and he forced me. We have been told we abused my husband for 33 years, so why does it feel like he is abusing us.

  • Libby June 25, 2015, 10:12 pm

    I am going through the same thing after two failed marriages n two daughters from each. I thought I met Mr. Right! Wrong ! He sounds just like what u described in yr husband. He thinks I want to argue every time I open my mouth. Oh and I am always a lier he says. My daughter’s can’t stand him and tell me I can do so much better n don’t wait till I am to old. Luckily where not married because he is not into the marriage thing he says after 3 years. He has no children n can’t stand it when my kids come over. I hv six grandsons. He doesn’t acknowledge them but only yells when they don’t listen, n won’t let them watch their shows because it’s his tv. I hv to get a plan in place n leave this narcissistic boy that has no respect.

    • Libby June 25, 2015, 10:27 pm

      I am so relieved I am not the only woman going through this with my supposed to be companion he calls me!

    • Libby June 25, 2015, 10:31 pm

      I am so relieved I am not the only woman going through this with my supposed to be ‘companion’ he calls me!

  • mrs21 June 28, 2015, 11:20 am

    I’m in a relationship with a guy I love so much and he makes me happy.he always have to talk about his self I can’t never talk and when I do he blows up and argue with me and tell me I’m always trying to argue with him .he thinks he’s always right.I have to walk on egg shells every day.then he will say sorry I love I didn’t try to blow up on u.and always say he going to change and treat me better.and he hates saying sorry so he will blame me and I end up saying sorry for making him upset or talking when he talking ..I really need help he is a good man..and very controlling

    • Lisa Is Free at Last July 28, 2015, 11:42 am

      In your last sentence you say he is a good man and controlling. How can he possibly be good when he is controlling?? He is a MANIPULATER! He has you right where he wants you, the only thing he cares about is what you can do for him and if you fight him he breaks out with manipulation. It is sad and SICK, and I feel so sorry for any and all fellow women who are currently OWNED by a man. It saddens me to say this….I, for the most part, hate all men.

  • Danielle July 3, 2015, 8:55 am

    We teach people how to treat us. Stand up for yourself; and let this coward know that it’s unacceptable to be talked down to, made fun of, or be rude. Your feet are your best weapon, use them. Say what you need to say and move your feet, leave the room, etc.
    Make decisions that empower YOU, and start doing things that you enjoy.

  • Heidi July 4, 2015, 5:31 pm

    Wow, I am in a relationship with my ex-husband. Seriously if I am sitting relaxing he says something about something I need to do. If I am doing something its not right, I am pretty much giving up. Right now we are camping and he takes president over everything I say bs. I am so over it! Men are pigs!

  • Megan July 8, 2015, 12:04 am

    I believe that is the problem though, the argument that is. Rather than giving into the reaction that most expect and do, why not do just the opposite. My entire family is a has to be right kind of group. Then the few who aren’t fall in the category of blame accepter, “I am so sorry your right, I will get it, ok let me do that.” (Me). Then the ones who fall in the middle somewhere in between. This is common and has few results. Those who must be right fight over who is more right. Those who must be right and the blamed, the blamed party encourages the attitude to continue enabling the thinking of how right they are in order to end the argument. Then those who are in the middle and either end of the personality chains result in either becoming more of a enabler/blamed arguing with a “all allogist” or become an “all allogist” having the feeling of being right enabled.

    The two types of arguments that occur most likely are one sided bashing of the other party, or big blown out fights (this also is effected by the nature and character of the people involved in the who is more right argument as to how serious it becomes). When a person who usually fights their side doesn’t or the other way around the result is often shock. Rather than being a good change that follows the desire to get a rise is even greater.

    So why not just look at them, shake you head and walk away. After the fit ask if they feel better. If the desire to act like a child is ignored then like a child the bad behavior ceases. The times of which the behavior continues to be directed at making another miserable, generally is a reflection of how they feel on the inside. The reason either, the situation that you may see as nothing to them is huge, and could be greater than those expect. Work, perhaps the marriage, how the one feels treated maybe the desire to be right roots from being the one to always be wrong. Honestly there is no way of knowing unless you first know that there is a problem (the child trick can eliminate any bad behavior, and assist in the confirmation).

    • Callie July 29, 2015, 7:02 am

      My husband just walks away and that even makes people angry, When he was working around the mid 1990s, I had been invited to go to a stones concert up in Chicago, the drive was about five hours, and the man driving wanted the day off from where my husband worked, So he went first to the foreman telling him he would even take a unpaid day, to go to this once in a lifetime concert. But the superviser told him unless there was a warm body to fill his job that day he was not going without a final discharge because he had already used up all his vacation and personal time. My husband had been on a 16 hour shift at that point covering for other people on vacation and resenting it because he had not had a day off or vacation since 1981 and this was md summer 1997 as I remember, I just know my husband had not seen a day off in over a deacade.
      When he was leaving that morning at 7:00 am the man that was supposed to transport us to the concert, approached my husband and told him he had to stay for three more shifts until the next 7;00 am,
      My husband turned and continued to his car without a word. The other man ran up and grabbed him turning him and yelling he had tickets and had to have the day off. My husband said get your hands off me. I am hot, tired and am going to get some sleep before I have to be back in 8 hours so work your own shift, The friend would not let my husband go so my husband turned and lifted him over his head and threw him against a light pole in the parking lot breaking his back, My husband walked through the front door and told me and two other friends we had to find another ride because the one we had was not coming and he went and took a shower and went to bed. this was the first of many times my husband took exception to somebody laying their hands on him.
      For almost a decade and a half now my husband lets people have their say. then he either has a one sentence answer like the morning of November 6th 2001 when he offered a third option to taking his name off a job bid, said if you can make me do so, and four men ended up in critical care off our front porch.
      His father says my husband lacks social skills in knowing who has the right to make him and who does not in the community. My husband believes that everyone has the same rights from the lead citizen in the white house to a person with a 70 IQ. His has been tested near 155 which is what makes him very deadly in any confrontation.
      So when my husband doesn’t even look at them and walks away he just makes people of higher social prominence very angry.
      Since he started his revolt in 2001 over 30 people have been discovered as being badly hurt many in situations that involved firearms and intiimidattion. He did not confront them while the held fire arms on hui except for one time the year before he retired, and a shotgun out of a mans hands and smashed his face in we with the butt of his own weapon over being forced to work another thanksgiving instead of the daughter of one of the men forcing him into another 16 hour holiday shift her my husbands mother were trying to get thanksgiving dinner made. we where going to take the traditional two sandwiches to my husband at his work gate when we received the call to bring the mans daughter and wife to the Emergency room there had been a hunting accident. I knew his father and three other men had forced my husband to leave at gunpoint to go to work that morning. so I also knew the accident was tangling with my husband again. When everyone got back the next morning expecting the holiday meal even though late my husband had been off his shift for an hour, he took what he wanted from the meal and tossed the rest in the trash and went to bed,
      The family and everyone felt more than a little miffed when we went in and yanked my husband out of bed. I got kicked in the head and his father in the face. everyone went running out of the house when my husband started throwing things saying he was getting some sleep since he had to be up and going back to work in two hours, so take our rears and go to Denny’s, I was never so mad at my husbands bad manners as I was that day.
      He says if we wanted respect we should have given him the same considerations over the last three decades, he has no respect for me, my feelings, he doesn’t have any respect for his father, our friends, He doesn’t call any of them his friends, He calls all of them leaches, and tells them they are lower than the lowest thing on earth, Whale Scat. Social or political promenenc means nothing to him, and nothing but what he wants with his life means anything except our 18 month old son that was produced the night my husband removed the last control I had on him by forcing sex. That night was pleading and begging to pleas understand that was the only way to keep him in line. and to please negotiate what was going to be allowed now MRSA had crippled him. He does not accept we allow any thing now, if someone try’s force or intimidation they just end up as broken bleeding people and the final was his fathers neck being broken. This is how my husband handles everything now he accepts no compromise or intimidation.

  • Annie July 13, 2015, 7:42 pm

    My ex was a person who would go to extreme lengths to prove everybody else is wrong and he’s right. It just seemed EXTREMELY important to him to always be right. If he was ever proven wrong, he would become very angry and pout for days. (Not an exaggeration). Looking back, I believe he had very low self esteem, possibly from something in his younger life and the thought he might be wrong intensified this. He was totally impossible to live with, no way to please him. . . . I spent years trying before realizing there was no way. I spent 16 MISERABLE years with him, something I now regret because those days could have been spent in a happy life. Advice: Don’t think he/she will change. That just doesn’t happen.

  • Dr Blabby July 16, 2015, 9:33 am

    I had this SAME issue today!! Married almost 4 yrs – we are not kids. 2nd marriage for me – 3rd for him. I try to voice my concerns and he immediately becomes defensive and climbs on his pity pot saying “You’re beating me up every day… ” I treat this man like a KING — rub his feet – clean his house – make his lunches – tolerate living with his 57 yr old autistic brother and 2 spoiled dogs. He invests nothing in our marriage — and only wants to continue to act like a 15 yr old buying toys (cars) and dumping thousands of dollars into his hobby when we do NOTHING together.

    I am a good person – a good wife – and PAY my own way. He is stingy and at 66 yrs old, I am responsible for everything I need. If he changes the oil in my car, he charges me for the oil.

    We have had marriage counseling — but here is the kicker.

    He is a narcissist – self absorbed – selfish – no empathy – hates responsibility – neglectful of his kids – takes his wife for granted – is secretive – a user – and WHY am I there?? When he turns on the charm, he’s a joy to be with. He’s fun – energetic- and makes me feel young. Jekkyl/Hyde. I wish he was like that all the time.

    When we married – I kept my house. My “insurance policy”…. Is that where I will end up? Maybe. But trying to communicate with this “man” is like trying to pin jello to the wall. His friends know more about his life than I do.

    He just doesn’t get it. So who’s the idiot here?? Hmmmm.. I guess when I’ve had enough – I will finally know — and 3 min after I’m gone? He will have forgotten all about me.. I am dispensible and I know it. Good luck to everyone.

  • Rose July 16, 2015, 7:39 pm

    my husband is always right and whenever we have an argument he makes me apologize and tell him how sorry I am for being mean to him and not supporting him. It is always my fault. He has never apologized to me for anything because he truly believes he never does or says anything to hurt me. He says it is always me. I never disagree with him or say anything bad to him because he gets really angry with me so I have learned to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things just to keep peace. He is getting worse. I am miserable. We used to have a great relationship and marriage for the first 3 -4 years. We have been married for 6 years. This is second marriage for both of us. He has never been in a relationship for more than 7years. Now I know why. My first marriage was 25 years. I totally believe in marriage but am wondering now. I am 55 and really just want to be happy. I need help. I can’t talk to him because he turns everything into my fault and eats me alive in any argument and I have to end up apologizing and taking all blame.

  • Miserable July 19, 2015, 2:15 am

    I’m miserable. I’m 23 he’s 47. I’m always wrong and he’s always right. He controls everything. If I come home from work and try to relax he’s instantly “suggesting” some chore for me to complete. And after its completed there’s another one and another until boom its time for bed. Mind you the entire time he’s sitting at the computer or watching family guy in bed.

    Today I cleaned the entire house thinking he’d be happy instead he said it didn’t matter because it was my mess and my responsibility to clean it. He says he doesn’t use the kitchen or any of the common areas in the house (lies) so he shouldn’t clean it.

    He says it’s my fault that he hates me and its my fault that he doesn’t like being at home. And he said he didn’t feel bad about saying that. I’ve learned not to argue back. I just say sorry and that I will try to remember for next time. He keeps a list on his phone of everything I do wrong. Never any of the good things. He claims I never cook for him. But I serve him breakfast every weekend. I leave for work before he’s even awake and I get home after he’s already eaten so how CAN I cook him dinner.

    My jobs not good enough. Everything I say if wrong. Once he got mad at me for being depressed. Then 2 hours got mad at me for being happy enough to b dance to music while cleaning. If I think I’m doing something that will make him happy he he still finds something wrong with it….

    • Danielke July 19, 2015, 9:28 am

      First of all, I commend you for acknowledging what is going on with you. Because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. You start off saying that “you are miserable,”and that’s because you’re husband is. Misery loves company.
      My advice to you is to seek counseling from a trusted source, church, support group, etc.
      You have to find support so that you can gain your Self-esteem back, and gain independence from this man. This is NOT about him, this us about you choosing yourself. Self-love, Self-confidence, Self-awareness, all begin with SELF.

    • Ruth July 19, 2015, 11:32 am

      I 100% feel the same exact way you do. I’ve been married for 4 years now and it’s been pretty rocky the entire time. I feel like I am his punching bag. Everything is my fault. He is never wrong. I walk on eggshells to try and not upset him, but it never fails that something sets him off. I never clean well enough or cook well enough or do the laundry in a timely manner. He complains that I don’t make enough money, and I have changed jobs 3 times in 4 years to try and make more money but it still isn’t enough for him. He’s currently out on workers comp so he trys to guilt me into saying I need to pick up the slack with making more money. He makes considerably more money then me and I feel he holds thst against me in some way. Oh and you’d think he would do more around the house since he’s off work and I’m working 40+hrs a week and going to school part time. ..but no. He says the house work is my job.

      It’s impossible to talk to him about anything important. He blames everything on me. His unhappiness, his depression, his anger…he says it’s all my fault. Then I ask, why are you with me if I’m such a horrible person? He says because he cares about me….how do you care about someone but constantly put them down? He says I’m too sensitive and I can’t handle criticism. He says, would you rather me lie and not tell you how I feel?

      He makes me feel guilty, like maybe I am a bad wife. Maybe I am bad at all those things he points out. I get so confused because I think I’m a good person, but with him constantly putting me down I don’t know anymore. We tried counseling, but he refuses to go anymore because he said the therapist only agreed with me and was on my side.

      • Miserable July 19, 2015, 10:35 pm

        I know what you mean. He makes much than I do but he also has much more free time. But I have to do everything. I try to stand up for myself but it usually ends with me crying and apologizing and having myself. Sometimes u even find myself writing sticky notes on my closet mirrors putting myself down. I know its bad but its like he’s convinced me I’m a horrible person.

        He says I’m mesn to him but all I ever do nownis just yes him to death. I never get a minute to myself. I do everything he says to when he says to.

        Today he told me that he tells his sister how I’m probably going to give him a heart attack and all his friends hate me. But I’m not allowed to talk to anyone about our issues. I don’t even have friends because he keeps me from them. Have I just accepted that this is how my life is now?

    • Pheny August 14, 2015, 9:41 am

      Hi M,

      He will never change and you are not at fault. You have to accept these 2 statements. Because in that acceptance comes the power of choice… you are NOT helpless. You can choose to stay or choose to go. Neither option is easy, and they suck even more when you have little money. But they are still (sucky) choices.

      Also, please do not take this the wrong way, and I could be way off base. But you say you are 23 and he’s 47. There’s a reason, besides you being a ‘hot 23y/o wife’, he ‘chose’ you. You are still young and perhaps easier to control because of your age. I was in the same position. Your youth is conducive to his manipulation. Many experienced women his age wouldn’t put up with his nonsense.

      He’s lucky to have you and is probably the envy of all his friends – he’s got a hot young wife who not only works and brings in money, but cleans the house and cooks when she can. This LAZY S.O.B SHOULD be cooking your meals if you are working when he’s at home during dinner time. Has he ever cooked you a meal?

      You are NOT this mans slave. You are not a vessel for his petulant abusive behaviour. My bad relationship lasted almost 20 years, and I lost myself as a person. It left me broken. Whilst I try not to feel bitter about it and use my abusive relationship as a learning tool, as well as feel philosophical about those 20 years having some part in shaping me….part of me wonders how much better adjusted I’d be if I left when I was your age.

      You are NOT doing anything wrong. He will never change, only you can. He will always be an empathetically challenged and abusive person. Because that is what he is doing to you, he is being abusive and treating you as a vessel for his lack of impulse control and reason. I presume you didn’t sign up to be his slave? Because he is treating you as one.

      If you really love someone you feel guilt when your actions hurt them, and most people respond to that guilt by trying to make amends. He can see he is upsetting you and he’s reacting with irritation or indifference, which means he’s either defective or sees you as a ‘thing’.

      I have a wonderful partner now. We divide chores – we are a partnership and a team. He’s the main breadwinner so I take up the domestic slack when I’m not working (I’m self employed with flexible hours). But he also takes up the slack when he is not working and gives me a break. It’s not a matter of gender roles, it’s a matter of teamwork and who has the least to do at any given moment. He will work hard all day in a job he hates, cook us dinner, clean up afterwards, then come over to give me a long back rub in the evening and make sure I feel calm after my stressful day. Likewise I look after him and try to make sure his day is as stress free as possible and everything is done for him so not only can he just focus on his work, he also has free time afterwards to just relax. It’s teamwork. We always tell each other how much we appreciate the others efforts.

      Ask yourself if you want to spend many years with a man who is not going to change and treat you badly. You might get pregnant and then you really will be stuck with few options. He’s also older than you and probability suggests that he could suffer from age related illness before you. Do you want to be intimately nursing this man in his old age when he claims to hate you?

      By the way, he doesn’t hate you. What he means is he is abusive and using this as a tool to make you feel bad so you will be more compliant.

      You have the power to shape your own future.

      P.S, if this man hates being home when you are home he can f**k-off out then, can’t he? OH, right, he doesn’t because he actually likes having his compliant young wife do his bidding.

      Judge this man by his actions, not his words.

      Take care your yourself.
      Pheny´s last blog post ..walking

  • LonelyK July 26, 2015, 9:09 pm

    I feel awful so many of us are in the same boat :( I too have a partner like this it’s childish and awful. He keeps me from working so I can’t get away or I would have left long time ago. I’m just now applying for jobs and getting myself away from this as soon as I can. I’ve done it for two years and Thts already too long I know it won’t change it will never get better I know tht after reading all your responses too :( I’m so sorry you all have this happening if you can at all possibly do it get out!!!!

  • Lisa Sievers July 28, 2015, 11:25 am

    Get a divorce. He will never change, and you can do nothing to change him. The only thing you can do is love yourself and make healthy choices for yourself. The only power you have is over YOURSELF! Due to my many experiences over the years I can say with all certainty… “The only thing you will reap from the ongoing attempts to have a healthy and happy relationship with that miserable man is more misery and heartache.” The only way your misery will end is when one of you pass away, or you muster up the guts to make the break. I use to think I needed a man, hell I’ve thought this nearly my whole life, but boy was I wrong. Since freeing myself from false belief I have never been happier. I will think of you often and pray you some day find the strength to take YOUR LIFE back….good luck to you~Lisa

    • Aaron young August 10, 2015, 5:27 am

      Men will only do to u wat u let them!!! Stand ur ground. Women have the gift of manipulation and persuasion. Men who belittle women are really scared of those women and their potential to be w.e they want and they are showing you that they know you worthy of better but you all don’t see that you just let them get through and ruin. Play along, do what u gotta do meanwhile find a way out!!! Cover ur tracks. Be smart about it. Never let ur left hand know what ur right hands doing. I wish u all the best. Godbless.

      • Aaliberi August 14, 2015, 10:43 pm

        Thank you for this. He argues with me for everything.

  • Bonnie W July 28, 2015, 12:10 pm

    I’ve been with my husband for 8 years; married for five. I had my husband on a pedestal. I thought there was none like him. He was kind, respectful, fun and loving. We both had our own homes and saw each other one day during the week and over the week-ends. It was during the housing bust that we got married. He was able to sell his house right away, but mine was out in the country and harder to sell. We were married before either of us were able to sell our homes, I had animals to take care of so our time together stayed the same. It was during that time that I discovered that he was addicted to pornography. He preferred to masturbate over a porn star on the computer than to come to bed with me. I was shocked and hurt when I was waiting for him to come to bed and found him fully engrossed in another room. It sickened me, but he promised to stop. That was a lie. We finally both sold our houses, his first and then mine some six months later. During that time, we purchased a home together where we lived. I had to keep up the payments on my house and pay for the new house too. I was unemployed so lived off of my credit card. He never gave me any money. My credit card bill exploded and I am still trying to pay it down. I am now retired and he is about to retire. He continues to masturbate and hasn’t touched me for nearly two years. We sleep in different rooms of the house. My life is a living hell but I have animals that need room to run. This house fits the bill. Since then, I have tried to pay down on my credit card and almost got it under control until I had medical bills to pay. My husband has since inherited over a million dollars and a couple of property’s from his brother whom passed away. While I struggle to pay off my credit card, he is rolling in the money. I want to leave so bad. He gives me no respect and acts like I’m just a room mate. I asked him to have sex with me the other day and he responded saying, “isn’t that rather presumptive of you?”. I wish I could leave, but finances being what they are, keep me stuck. If you don’t have animals that you love, children that you have to worry about, my suggestion is to get out. Things won’t get better, even with promises. They will only get worse.

  • Ashley600 July 29, 2015, 3:54 pm

    Thank God for this site and everyone’s stories

    I have re-written this 3 times now. I feel quilty putting this online. But I am so desperate for anyone who might have any advice. I am sorry it’s long.

    My husband and I are “high school sweethearts” we have been together for 8 years now married 5. Obviously we are mid twenties so pretty young. my husband we will call him “Bob”. He was amazing! Funny, sweet, caring, everyone loves him. Seriously everyone thinks Bob is perfect. Family, friends, co-workers. But truth that time has only told is The reason everyone thinks that is because Bob is a people pleaser. And I mean BIG time! I don’t think I’ve ever heard him tell anyone no except for me. Not even our son.

    Since day one it has been incrrdiablely rocky. I couldn’t even begin to tell you everything because You wouldn’t believe me even if I did tell you. But basically everything wrong in a relationship has happened with us. Both of us being at fault at times. But I know I love him and I appreciate him. Which is why I am so confused.
    I will start by saying Bob is a twin, Bob is extremely close with his family (and its a big one). Now the twin thing I have ALWAYS felt like number two in his life because of this. And many years I tried to be understanding because that’s something unique and not many could understand so I’ve never tried to come between them. I let them talk a billion times a day, I was fine when they (twin and his family) followed us to another state. But in reality Bob would and still puts twin first. They will make jokes about me or just walk all over me and Bob doesn’t have my back. It’s really becoming a problem.

    Back to the people pleaser part many things have come up lately with situations due to his family that I am uncomfortable with but Bob tells me well actually he starts defending their sides and telling me to always be the bigger person. And I am wrong, my opinions and feelings aren’t valid. Which it’s in my character to try and be understanding even when I don’t want to. (and just So it’s out there I have no problems with anyone in his family it’s not like that.) he is the problem because he can’t have my back when I am not coming from a bad place which he always thinks I am. He makes me feel like a horrible mean person. And I swear to you I’m not I have been through some tough shit in my life where I try to do what’s right and when I make mistakes I own them. I am compassionate and caring even when I don’t want to be.
    He always puts everyone before me and I have absolutely no one now. Like literally it’s so sad I have my 6 year old son. He is the only person I can talk to but I would never about grown up things. Shouldn’t your spouse be like your best friend? I don’t know if I am over reacting or if I am just dealing with him because I’ve lost so much and he’s all i got left. theres more but this is already long and I don’t even think it’s begins to do justice to my situation but I need to do something.

    Thanks for listening.

  • Mindy August 1, 2015, 12:10 pm

    People if your in an abusive relationship either mental or physical… Run and get the hell out! Life is too short and there are major effects that continue for a lifetime. If you have children involved they are effected and pass it on to their children. Change and give yourself a more peaceful life because no matter what you do for them or how well you treat them unless they realize what and how they are behaving it’s not going to change.

  • Righttherewithyou August 5, 2015, 3:31 am

    Mine is the same way: is aggressive ( verbally only) , rude, and is always right and I am always wrong. It is impossible to have a serious conversation with him, unless I just sit and listen to him berate me and everyone else he can. And so I sit. As I sit, I always feel sorry for him. How miserable must it be to be so upset with everything in life? I realize that I am a bigger person for forgiving him for who he chooses to be. I refuse to question his ideas as it is pointless and just listen and say “OK” when appropriate. I too try to avoid talking about anything at all really, and just sit and listen. Eventually, he has no negative fuel to his fire or anything to oppse for no reason. I realize that him understanding my hurts and upset is not important to making him feel understood which is what will usually I solve the entire problem. I’ve realized that he does not have the grace and emotion to fully understand me as I desperately need and seek out those emotional relationships with other female friends who totally understand!!! For some reason, even though it’s not him understanding HIS FAULTS that upset me, I feel heard, and can somehow forgive him for them. I do love him for who he is, and as a grown man, he really only has grown men like himself to relate to that are mostly just like him. They just want someone to listen and understand And that’s what I am there for with him. Men and women are different , have different life experiences through childhood and just don’t communicate the same in general. My view of respect is different than he. I’ve realized that. A man wants to be a man, and in charge and at whatever point they don’t feel in charge and in understood, they just try to take charge more. Humans in general can do this- I’m sure you know many females in just the same boat. But men aren’t built to show insecurity, and can not soften until feeling totally assured. Sometimes this hard shell is quite deep in those that have had very difficult life experiences. I’m unsure of your and your husbands life up until this point, but be aware that there is a little boy inside that does not want to be shown insecure or not good enough to know the right way or be hurt in any way. I’ve seen as I digress and forget about my agenda and focus on just loving him and not how he pleases my communication needs, that he opens up more, and is the loving man that I do want to be with. Then when I ask a question he is more free in his communication and does not come across angry. This is extremely difficult for me, as I am as strong willed as anyone, but I love him and will do what it takes to make it work.
    I say all this in assumption that he is not physically aggressive. In that case I think you need to think about staying physically away from him for yourself ( and your children if you gave them) and wait for him to work through whatever issues for him to that point.
    I hope all the best for you and for great love in your life.

    • Ava August 18, 2015, 12:05 am

      Thank you! I didn’t ask a question but this seems to be dead on for me and my husband. I am starting to see a pattern that whenever something new comes up or if he’s concerned about being criticized in a situation, he’ll create a new one in which I am the problem! Its like it comed out of nowhere. I literally watch him create chaos and then he’ll tell me I need to defend and stand by him. If I dont then I dont care about him. So bizarre!!

  • A.R.C August 9, 2015, 8:07 pm

    I absolutely identify myself with those women here…
    I left behind just everything to marry this man who shouts at me every single day.
    We can never have a normal conversation because he has a high lack of patience.
    He gets mad when He is doing something like: Cooking or fixing something in the house or even when he is planing a trip!
    Everything has to be on his way even when he says:” I’m gonna panting the house and my wife will pick the color” and when I choose the color I like he starts arguing saying why the house shouldn’t be on the color I’ve chosen…

    We are married less than a year and I fell the unhappiest woman as never felt before.

    I fell unloved, unvalued, disrespected and my Desire is to leave him now.

    He will never change because He is this rude person with His adopted sons also with people when they don’t do what he expect them to do!

    He was married twice and both Women complaint about the same thing.
    I’m just so tired of being frustrate Day after Day…

    I miss my life before I met him.

  • Denise August 10, 2015, 1:00 am

    All of these comments sound so familiar. I have been married for 26 years but have known my husband for 30 years. We met as a blind date set up by my girlfriend. In the beginning of our marriage it could not have been any better. My husband was in the military and we were stationed at Camp Pendleton. He was deployed to several different places. He got out of the military in 1990. At that point we moved to the bay area where my mother and my step father lived. From that point until now, I have been taking care of family members. Thus far, I have taken care of 5 family members until each one of them died. My husband has joined organizations. He was mostly unavailable to me for any help until about a year ago. I finally got mad and told him that I am tired of making excuses for why he can not come to family functions. I have cried and told him I need more help. He got rid of one organization. In the past 26 years, we have goine on 4 vacations together. He goes and sees his family every year alone. I was laid off about 5 years ago and he always says that he does not take me because of money and we have noone to watch mom. My brothers and sister do not help us with mom. They live in other states. I feel so all alone and that I am the only responsible one. I told him the other day that I needed a vacaton. He just looked at me and said it will be ok. Then he took off to Buffalo for an organization meeting. When we moved into my mothers house we were going to be given the house upon her death. She changed her will a few times to now be the house will be sold and split 5 ways. My husband and I will have 40% of the value. Long story short, we went back and forth on whether we were going to buy my family home. My mother wanted to make a provision in the will to give us this opportunity before going to market. Now my husband is saying that he never said that and that I am crazy to say he ever agreed to that. He always tells me that I am crazy and that he never does or says the things that I know has happened. It is so frustrating. I always tell him I need to record him. If I dont agree or stop telling him that situations happened he will not stop arguing until I give in. He always tells me that I spoil my mother and let her work me. He will not allow her to work him. He loves her but, sometimes he gets in arguements wiith her and can be rude and disrespectful. Dont get me wrong, my mother is smart and has all her faculties about her but the loud arguing and disrespectful nature can be hurtful to me as I am in the middle. My husband has about 6 more years before retirement and wants to move to North Carolina at that time. I have no desire to live on the east coas and would like to buy our family home. I have told him this and he said he is NOT living on the west coast when he reitires and that is the way it is.

  • Jennifer August 11, 2015, 1:51 pm

    This is a tough personality to deal with. I think the best way to deal with someone like this is to ignore his comments if it’s in public and wait for a time when there is no distractions and you are both calm and tell him how you feel. I try this with my husband and he is ready always to fight; never backs down. He has said nasty things to me and a lot of the time it isn’t provoked it is just because he’s drinking. He is the Un apologizer. He never sees or cares if he hurts anyone’s feelings In fact if you tell him that hurt my feelings he makes you feel worse by being even nastier. He was always very self centered but now he is just mean and selfish. He says he will “work on things” and he doesn’t. It’s hard. We are going to be going to marriage counseling because I have had it and his attitude. He takes everything out on me. I do know the best thing is don’t confront him in front of people it just makes it worse. I also am trying the 10 day no argue experiment. Promise yourself you will take a break for your own sanity and don’t argue with anyone for 10 days. You need a vacation from this relationship. Take it. No matter what he says try taking a break from reacting. Right down how you feel by not saying anything… Are you still angry or are do you feel better…? Is it a fight worth getting mad at or could you have probably let it go…? I’m going to try it. I thought of it myself. I am taking the 10 day pledge to not argue with anyone. If I feel myself wanting to argue and say my peace I am going to say the words hmmmm instead. “Hmmm I never thought of it that way”. I know it is going to be hard but I am going to put my feelings aside as an experiment and try to not let him effect me, and try to stay calm. I am going to take a 10 day vacation from feeling angry, sad, mad, I’m going to try to detach myself from the situation. I’m going to try. During these 10 days I’m also going to show happiness and appreciation for everything he does. The nagging doesn’t work, the talks don’t work. Maybe this will. It’s so crazy, it may just work. It is also a good experiment to see if you really do get mad at every little things he does or do you really have valid reasons to feel the way you do. Try 10 days then try another 10 and another… See how long you can go by keeping your peace and not let him steal it by being ignorant.
    Jennifer´s last blog post ..Keep Calm, It’s Only a Dream

  • Phen August 14, 2015, 10:06 am

    Here’s the thing, I am reading a lot of comments here from women about their partners, and all admit on some level they are abusive in some way. I have been in this situation where I was never apologised to, even for some pretty nasty verbal and physical abuse – it was ALWAYS ‘my’ fault.

    I’ll tell you what happened, after years of this, I lost myself and my own identity. I internalised all abuse and it broke me as a person. I was forever trying to figure out what it was I was doing wrong and what would fix it. I felt I couldn’t talk about anything, even if it was something serious, because it might bother him and he might get angry. Even if it was about my own pain, because he knew he caused it.

    He was never happy. He was never happy with anything I did and constantly demanded more. Doing stuff to make him happy unwittingly became my life and he knew this. He would string me along (claiming what he currently wanted would mean his happiness). I would do what he wanted (normally involving money and needing something from me) and once he got it he showed NO happiness. NO thankfulness, just more depression and sadness – of course he couldn’t show happiness because he was a master manipulator and he knew that meant I could rest. Couldn’t have me resting!

    I became the enemy even though I did all I could to make him happy, I was told on many occasions I was his enemy and that I was the cause of everything he hated in his life. His ego overruled mine and my ego was stomped all over no matter how much I defended it (and I certainly defended myself) – it would happen so fast I wouldn’t know what was right, what was wrong, if I was being reasonable or unreasonable. My ability to reason became messed up and would always revolve around ‘am I wrong?’. Even when I got more perspective and confidence, it revolved around ‘why is he doing this?’ and rationalising his behaviour. It took a long time to get to ‘he is wrong/I have been wronged’. A lot of my upset came from not fully realising I had been wronged but knowing deep down something was not right. Most of my upset came from never being validated, and being constantly belittled. Even though there was some part of me that knew something was off, I could never figure it out. I just had to ‘figure’ it so I could ‘fix’ it.

    Some of his entitlement, rudeness, lack of empathy was shocking. It took my a while to realise that this was nothing to do with me. I didn’t make him this way. It took me longer to realise he would always be this way no matter what I did.

    Here’s the thing. These men will never change, at least not until they realises there is a problem and then actually want to do something about it. That will be an uphill battle and probably quite fruitless because these types of men have deep seated issues that they don’t even recognise let alone face up to. They’d rather blame you or your compatibility than themselves for their abusive behaviour. You will always be at fault in their eyes.

    So it’s all down to you. Some women can accept the way things are and accept things will never change. For a while I did this. I had no money, no way out and I convinced myself love was all that was needed. If you decide this you have to accept he will never change, it will always be your fault, and he will never appreciate anything you do. If you stay you have to work VERY hard to maintain your inner identity because it will be hard when you are in that situation. You will become an extension of his ego and dissatisfaction. You will be the first port of call for his fickleness and disappointment. You will be the ’cause’ of his annoyance. I think it will be almost impossible to maintain a sense of self in that situation unless you at the very least maintain some distance. After all this, the man may leave you anyway, particularly when you become confident in the fact that it’s not your fault and have distanced yourself from his tantrums.

    I never got an apology, I never got closure and you never will. I left. You have to make peace within yourself and learn from what happened.

    I have a wonderful partner now. But I have some unpleasant ‘learned behaviour’ and baggage from my experiences. I am scared of becoming something I detest. My partner is very understanding and supportive and we work together. The important thing is I know this, do not absolve myself of responsibility, and can worked through it. I have become much better. But I am angry my negative experiences have followed me into this relationship.

    Those ladies going through something similar. They will never change. You will never get validation. You leaving won’t ‘punish’ them and you won’t make them ‘see sense’ by leaving – they won’t come running after you. You will just an ungrateful ‘b**ch’. You have to ask yourself do you want this life for yourself? Or do you want to make peace with yourself and move on?

    Oh, and no one wins at an argument.
    Phen´s last blog post ..walking

  • vira August 16, 2015, 10:01 pm

    I see women in constant pain bcz of men for so many years. I feel sorry for all of u . I don’t believe this is life. I feel happy that I am single! I’m 28 and never really had a bf. Not that I need one anymore. Only one I loved unconditionally is out of reach. But I’m happy that I don’t have any man to ruin my life!
    What I think is u should leave when u can. Be wise its ur life. U have full freedom to choose what is best for u. But if u hv kids u may be too late. But do make the decision once u can! Good luck. May u find peace soon..!!

  • Nathalie August 17, 2015, 7:27 am

    Reading the comment i see that sadly, i am not the only one going through an abusive relationship by far. It seems to me that men nowadays want to have their cake and eat it too, regardless of the consequences. I’ve been with the same man for about 1 and a half years now, and for most of it, it’s been incredibly turbulent. If i were to make a calculation, i’d say the longest span we went without him wanting to pick a fight was for about 6 weeks. And then the day before my birthday,we got into it even though i apologized. I had sent him a text message saying that i felt as if the romance was dead in our relationship that morning. Oncei got to work i sent him another one apologizing. He called me before he got the last text and we argued but made up and everything was fine. For some reason, then he got the second text and flipped out even though i told him that he should check the time when i sent it, nevertheless, he was primed for a full out fight. He sent me texts saying i should find someone else and that he’s done the best he can with me and put the whole thing on me, when, as far as i was concerned, i was right telling him that it was sent before he called but he got it after that. It made no sense to me how he went off the deepend. I cried at work and when i got home, he got even worse. Once again, he came became the verbally abusive person i started resenting. He’ll yell and raise his voice swearing and telling me how for the past year, he’s done everything he could for me and how life with me was not easy and that he’d done everything he could but that he couldn’t take it anymore with me, he’s always been like this to the point where i break down crying and he couldn’t care less. I can’t even talk because he interrupts so much i lose track of what i was saying and then he’ll vent on me again, this always goes on for at least 3 hours, him yelling and me having to listen and put up, and if i make a frown or sigh, he’ll go even more crazy on me. The next day, my birthday i went for lash extensions, he said he’d wait in the car and i told him it could take 1-2 hours, possibly more. He kept saying no worries, i’ll wait. So off i went and by the time we were done with my extensions, about 2 and a half hours had gone by! I went to the car and he was extremely upset, i asked him why didn’t he just go home (it was less than 5 minutes away) and then come back? or leave me a text that i would have read before i came out to the car?? Myself, yes i could have called, but i honestly didn’t notice since for one thing, i had my eyes closed and couldn’t exactly interrupt the process with my esthetician glueing these things to my eyes. During the drive home, i felt so awful i was on the brink of tears. We got home and he hugged me reluctantly and then told me to ‘get over it’ and take my shower, he was going to take me out, but the damage was done and i was so hurt i was beside myself, again, he was going too far and it was ‘all my fault’. For another night, i cried all night long and he had the nerve the next morning wanting to make love to me. He now disgusts me when i look at him, i believe i wasn’t in the wrong, and throughout these fights, he keeps telling me that one day he’ll get to the point of no return and dump me. He’s even told me that the only time i should get angry with him is if in his opinion, i have just cause. Then he’ll threaten all the time that he can’t take much more of my fighting and that one day it’ll push him over the edge and that will be that and it’s over, despite the fact that so far, i feel it’s him. I have no confidence left in me, i feel crushed and i’ve become depressed and have had thoughts of suicide because that’s how low i feel. Am i in the wrong here or am i finally going crazy myself? I don’t know what to believe anymore. All i know is that i’m starting to really really dislike him, i dont’ want to hate him, because that’s wasted energy, but i do feel that he’s got a very big problem,,,is it me or am i losing it,,he honestly disgusts me now, and the love i had for him is fading away very fast. I don’t know what to think,,,
    Nathalie´s last blog post ..Keep Calm, It’s Only a Dream

    • Nan August 22, 2015, 4:00 pm

      Oh Nathalie, I feel your pain. And know all potholes he has dug for you to step in. I have been doing this dance for 48 yrs (47 yrs to long) But (and I shouldn’t make excuses) it was the way things were then. When you married it was for life. What a bunch of bs. Now I find myself in my late 60′s and his verbal abuse is still going on. I have cried to,I have cried myself to sleep at night and felt drained the next day. And I say to myself,if he only knew that I don’t love him anymore. Always putting me down,mocking me,telling me I’m wrong,and stupid. And listen to him go on for 3 days before he is over it. I know all the tricks he uses. There is no sense in arguing with him and when you say this happens every six weeks I know that too.(maybe together we could figure out that one) I have nobody to talk to either. The only people around me is his family. and he is always so sweet when we are around the kids,that should I say something to them they look at me like I’m the crazy one. Nathalie if you are young enough now to,get out of this toxic relationship do so,don’t let it go on for as long as mine.Email me. We can cry on each others shoulders,because we are the only ones who understand/

  • Liz August 18, 2015, 7:09 pm

    Been with my husband for 15 years married for 12 years. Our marriage to me was perfect and we did everything together. It’s been about 3 years and things are not the same. Everything something goes wrong in our household or with our 2 kids 7 and 11 I am always to blame. I feel like pure crap and always cry. He ignores me for days and gives me the cold shoulder and my older child now sees it. I am so lost and feel alone.

  • Jodi August 20, 2015, 11:05 pm

    I have read many comments on hear some of which I find myself a little teary and others angry. The things I noticed many of us have very similar story if not the same in most cases. I marrieds husband at now for 11 year and he too is a Mr Always right and very argumentative. This is a pattern that j don’t believe will ever change and when kids are involved it’s a tougher decision to make. My mom and my dad got a Divorce when I was young and my life as well as my siblings were affected deeply by it. I told myself I wanted to not have that life. My dad was a cheater so I got that’s ground to leave. My husband on the other side is not but very much what all the others here described about this trend in these men. In the early part of marriage things were great. I don’t see a change in him and I am convinced no change will be. These are adults who are already qho they are. You can loose who you are as as a person. He’s the one with a great paying job. Like one writer stated”invest in yourself”. However way you can even if it’s reading ac your local bookstore a magazine here and their or taking yourself out to Starbucks and pick yourself up. It’s hard but I stay encouraged the best I know how.

  • Allie August 25, 2015, 8:49 am

    It has taken me reading through all the comments to help remind myself that I am a good person. My Mr. Always Right has chipped away at my confidence in this 20+ year marriage. He often does the opposite of what I ask, acts helpless in a task so I will have to do it, keeps a dead pan face when I am telling to tell a funny story, and is argumentative. He makes good money and thinks that is all he needs to do. But always hates his jobs, and thinks everybody is doing everything all wrong. The toughest thing for me is that I cannot confront him on anything without him immediately projecting it into me. I am afraid to bring any subject up. We sit in silence a lot now. He doesn’t even make a courtesy response of any kind when I say anything. If I call him for dinner and hear no response, he either says I didn’t call him or gets mad the second time I call, because now he will perceive me as being ‘mad’ at him. I have loved and loved this man! Overlooked many of these things and taken the blame endlessly and saw our relationship through rose colored glasses. Now I am just ticked off daily by how badly I am treated. I guess I just thought things would get better but they are worse. More money didn’t mean more attention. He buys his expensive toys and won’t fix our fence or a broken window for months/years. He once said early in the marriage that the more I asked him to do something, ‘the more it makes me not want to do it.’ I felt bad that maybe I was nagging, when in reality, I was probably just trying to get him to mutually do something normal, something that I depended on him to do to make our household function. His dad is worse and his mom is a hunched-over defeated-type woman. You know, I would do anything for this man if he showed real love for me again. I’m just not sure if he’s capable of letting me be myself without constantly putting me down. Why can’t people just enjoy one another? I used to take it because I truly believed that I must have a lot to learn when I was young. Most of the advice I had was to do and say a lot of nice things for him. He just took me more for granted and seems to have no problem making me feel bad every single day. But he would say that I am doing that to him. He yells at the dogs every day and calls them names, but tells people I yell? If I dial it up to a fourth of what he is then I am told off for being ‘dramatic.’ I live with such a drama King, yet he insists that I am that and worse. I am so sad to lose so much respect and love for him because of his childish behavior.


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