How to argue with Mr. Always Right

A Reader Participation Post

Here’s a “biggest marital problem” sent to me by a reader:

My husband is aggressive, rude, and is always right and I am always wrong. Therefore I no longer have serious conversations with him. I try to avoid talking about anything that he might find upsetting, even though it may be something that is upsetting to me. We basically don’t have a relationship. I desperately would like to have a relationship, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is capable of it. I just agree with what he says. If I don’t he gets very angry and says that I just want to argue. If I ask him questions he gets angry too, so I will just ask him one question if I want to know something. If I don’t like or don’t understand his answer, I won’t say anything because that makes him very angry. What should I do?

Readers: This is all you. Can you help this reader with her biggest marital problem? I’m giving you two weeks to wrestle with this one. I will be awarding prizes to 5 people who I judge (by purely non-objective standards) to have the most helpful and insightful advice. The prizes include a free signed copy of my book Project: Happily Ever After + several other books that publishers have sent me recently: Jenn Berman’s Rockin Babies (I have two copies), Byron Pitts’ Step Out of Nothing, and Hulk Hogan’s My Life Outside the Ring.

Note: For the next two weeks, I will be taking a social media vacation. It do this once or twice a year whenever I start to feel stale, burned out, and irritated with humanity. Now is that time of year. I hope to return in two weeks as the generous, kind, loving, somewhat positive person I once knew. Because I won’t be posting much this month, the more comments you leave on this and other older posts, the higher your chances of winning the next Reader of the Month. For July Rental Car Choices will be giving away a free pass to Universal Studios. Make sure you click through to the actual blog to comment. Comments sent to me via email or left on Facebook don’t count for this promotion.

172 comments… add one

  • Judy White April 29, 2013, 11:13 am

    No one has the exact answer for dealing with Mr. Right, because they are unique from each other. I do feel that if your feelings about decisions to be made that will affect both of you are ignored, then this can create resentment and contempt. In turn, these feelings can escalate and bring division in various ways. He can lose friends from always feeling the need to be right. The more friends you lose, the more isolated you become, then he may not want to venture out with you (spouse) as much. You’re desires become less important, so you pull away, start to do activities that are separate, lose desire for intimacy, don’t go to events that are important to either of you. Life becomes about eating, sleeping, and existing. If he won’t get help, then you can stay and lead a life that only he wants or pursue the you that you forsook for him. Only you know which alternative will work for you. When it gets to where you constantly dwell on the negative of being with Mr. Right, maybe it’s time to put him to the test. If he really loves you, he will come looking for you and be also willing to meet somewhere in the middle. Hope this helps. I’m actually talking to myself as well as you. I do give things a lot of thought before doing them. Patience is a virtue.

    • marg April 30, 2013, 9:42 am

      I just read a vastly amusing blog about how to win an argument. The whole thing about the advice was wrong. The most annoying thing about trying to discuss things with my partner*very long term relationship * is the fact that he is calm, complacent and totally unwilling to make any changes. I try to remain calm but in the end I get angrier and angrier and he gets calmer and calmer and refutes every damn thing I say he also gets critical and really hurtful. He says all these horrible things and blames me for my attitude OK I know its not that good at times but mostly I am a fairly calm person.He tells me I am not normal and there is something wrong with me. In the meantime as the argument really gets insulting I start shouting and throwing stuff around the room. I feel absolute hatred at that moment and know I am making a fool of myself (again!) It starts off Ok and I feel pretty sure of myself then it just sort of escalates.This happens every single time I try to discuss things rationally. Ok I know why do I bother? Well I am always hopeful I can get through to him (poor fool that I am) Actually apart from the financial aspect if I leave it would be a real pleasure to not have this calm complacency and total incomprehension of how awful I feel at times about the whole set up. I just want to live in peace but I am most unhappy. Perhaps I will feel a lot better when I stop bashing my head up against this brick wall?

      • Rhonda July 13, 2013, 10:26 am

        Marg, I’m right there with you on this one. I have actually made it to the next step of just shutting up and keeping my opinion to myself. I found the screaming and getting upset doesn’t help. Guess what? The shutting up and keeping my opinion to myself doesn’t help either. I’m silently resenting him more and more. We can go days without speaking at all and he’s just fine with that. I tell myself “at least we’re not fighting” but the silence isn’t much better. If I could financially make it without his paycheck, he’d be gone. Trust me, I’ve been silently trying to figure out how to do that as well. I will figure that out & I’ll be out of this. I’ve been with him for 27 years and we’ve been married 6 of those. Seems as soon as I said “I do” he decided he didn’t anymore. He wasn’t Mr. know it all before we got married, but he sure is now. I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice as to what to do. I just wanted you to know you’re not the only one in that boat. In my case, I’ve decided it’s over and I just have to figure out how to make ends meet by myself, but as soon as I do. I’ll stop playing the silent game and get on with my life without him.

      • Normal Guy October 27, 2014, 2:35 am

        You are unhappy with your lives but you are unwilling to change whatever it is that is making you unhappy. So instead you go to your husbands and try to get them to change their behavior because if you are not happy then it must be their faults. And when they insist that you talk things over calmly and reasonably in an attempt to get to the heart of the matter and address it rather then just venting emotionally you get mad because now you have to face the fact that there is a solution to your problem but you are just unwilling to make changes of your own. Maybe you should fix your own house first instead of blaming them for putting a roof over yours and then using that as just another excuse as to why you can’t change things.

      • Julie October 28, 2014, 8:03 am

        Marg. I deal with the same thing and the everyday fighting over stupid sh_\ is killing me. I am so fed up with his mouth and then telling me I’m bipolar because I raise my voice after his rude but calm comments persist. So sick of this

      • Normal Girl November 11, 2014, 11:49 am

        Just because a guy comes up with a solution, doesn’t mean it’s THE solution. I’ve seen men butt heads about their stupid solutions and usually they go with the solution that the meanest and most aggressive one put forth. So I really think some guys are rational problem solvers, they are just jerks with ideas. I’ve been blessed with only having ever been with one guy like that over the last 30 years.

      • Normal Girl November 11, 2014, 11:52 am

        *aren’t rational problem solvers

        Also, I’d like to add when someone acts like you’re always wrong, and blames you for everything or for having your own thoughts, it’s a mental state that can be acknowledged and treated with therapy. Of course, someone like that isn’t going to admit they need help. So usually a breakup happens, either from that person leaving because they found someone new who hasn’t caught on to their negative way of interacting, or because the person dealing with them gets fed up.

      • Nikki January 27, 2015, 10:32 pm

        Marg, I am not a therapist, and I am a newlywed, I married someone who can be obstinate, and I too, get emotional and blast off into someone I don’t want to be, because I too feel the same way, like I am making a fool of myself. When I get to that point, I take a deep breath, breathing is good, doing something good for myself is good, venting on blogs can be helpful :) Here’s what my husband and I do, we pray before bed, we pray and ask God for help, I don’t know if you are a spiritual person, but meditation, prayer and love all help me in cases like these. I realize that arguing over who’s right isn’t what the problem is, it’s who has trust issues, where we find that we must defend ourselves at all costs whether calm and obstinate or upset and escalated, what I find is that surrendering to God first helps. :)

      • Cheri March 16, 2015, 1:31 am

        I too am married to a man like this and understand your frustration. My husband will even twist the truth to make it conform to proving me wrong. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer a couple years ago. They were also concerned about a spot outside my uterus. My husband was quite adamant that I was wrong and the spot was in same area as the tumor. We had a huge argument which I just said fine you are right. I immediately wrote the argument down as well as what would happen when we went to dr the next day. The doctor confirmed the spot was outside the cervix. When I brought this up to husband when we left he of course said that I was the one who said it was in same area. I wrote that all down the night before. When we got home I immediately presented him with what I wrote after the argument the night before…..I has the time, date, the argument before the dr visit and my prediction of what husband would do when he learned he indeed was wrong. I wrote how he would twist it around to ensure I was the one who was wrong. He did not speak to me for 2 days but we have not had that type of argument since. I am now cancer free and for the first time in 20 years do not wonder about my sanity. Living and loving a person who insists you are always wrong can affect ones confidence and feeling of self worth so it is also good to talk to a pastor or counselor. I hope this has helped you in some way

      • S. May 20, 2015, 8:19 pm

        Marg, that is what we call passive agressive behavior and bullying. Cut the circle of emotional abuse and your strings of attachment… who doesn’t rerpect you and your opinion, puts you down to feel better about himself only deserve one title in your life: EX

    • Calli April 18, 2015, 9:30 am

      My husband does not consider himself Mr. right, He has destroyed 33 years of holiday and vacation traditions. Refused to wait three more years until I could lay the groundwork for his inclusion, because he would not wait for me to talk everyone into his being included now his father felt his rudeness at inviting himself, forcing his plans for his best friend to be shot down, and finding out my husband made a reservation for a double berth over his rejection of his son coming. His father considered it the highest disrespect for him and got his neck broken for it. Now I have been told by friends I have to make sure my husband know he will never be included. and as long as I am married to him I will never be included again. As faras my husband is concerned I don’t need those friends.

      • Louisa May 5, 2015, 4:33 pm

        The problem is opposites do attract and not everyone is comfortable sharing their feelings and problems. He has his work stresses and office bickering and you have your own problems. Share your niggly problems with your girlfriends, share only tough serious problems with your husbands and share your joys with both. Ask your husbands about their day and really listen to them with short empathetic responses. You’ll soon find out he’s got worries too when he learns to share them. Louisa x

  • Maggi May 4, 2013, 2:31 pm

    My husband and I are BOTH stubborn by nature. He was a collegiate
    athlete, as well as a coach for many years….. His players used to say
    in unison “It’s the _____way, or the highway”. And, it was, and still is TRUE!!

    He doesn’t see himself this way, but he is…. There are things I could care less
    about that he chooses to organize, or put certain places, etc. However,
    when it comes to something I have an opinion about, hold on to your hats!
    He must always “think” he’s either getting his way, or that he’s convinced
    me somehow that “HIS” way is the only way things are going to work! Even if
    I’m the one who went to school to do the job, or I’m the one with experience in
    the particular area he’s trying to dominate!!

    Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs with frustration, but
    it won’t do any good. The most recent arguments pertain to remodeling
    the house, and which walls to move, and which to keep… And, etc., etc. ….

    Long story short….. the total experience of purchasing this home,
    obtaining a contractor, getting everything set up has been a nightmare!
    Why you ask? It all boils down to a man who refuses to listen to a woman,
    because God knows, he must know more, just because he’s a man!

    His stubbornness, and unwillingness to just “listen” to what I have to say, that
    might have saved some time as well as money, has now cost us six months of delays,
    set backs, and the possibility that this venture I too have invested so
    much money in will turn out to be one huge nightmarish flop!

    We’re talking about a well educated man, who refuses to take the
    necessary steps to protect his interests, because his wife “might”
    be right, and if so, he might have to admit it to himself!

    I’m a cover all your bases, research before you make your move,
    find everything out BEFORE you do something kind of person, while
    he chooses to either fly by the seat of his pants, or find stuff out after the fact,
    and then deal with it, or pay out all your hard earned money to fix
    what you should have know all along! So far in 29 years, it seems
    he’d rather lose $ than listen to my advice, (which I have to admit, has been
    right on about 98%) of the time! And I’m not just trying to toot my own horn….
    But like I said, I like to know WHAT I’m doing or up against
    BEFORE I start a project. Any project!

    Not much help I know in the way of helping anyone else out,
    but I guess my only advice to anyone would be to LISTEN to your gut,
    ALWAYS! Prepare yourself with knowledge. Read anything and everything
    you can about people, their personalities, and read books that will
    help teach you how to communicate with different personalities.
    Learn what makes your partner tick…. Try to find a way to help them
    feel like things were their idea.

    Stay quiet and observe. And what I’ve learned…… Sometimes you just
    have to bite your tongue, let them fail, and maybe, just maybe your
    partner will LEARN to LISTEN to what you have to say, because you may
    on the slightest chance just BE right!!!!! If your partner fails enough times,
    and loses enough money…….

    • Calli April 18, 2015, 8:22 pm

      My husband came home from submarine duty in 1985. His father told me stories about the way he took what he felt was deserved in high school, how when he was in the army he dated a non white girl from the hawaian Islands and nearly married her in the Army until he had his say and she left my husband, His father felt he was disrespectfull of the society when he came home from the Army and was moved to the front of the line for a UAW job at a big three transmission plant, then using his position as an intelligence analyst in the army guard as a way to predict when he was going to be laid off and went on another military leave with the navy, and because he was not laid off at the time his seniority continued to biuid while he was under orders.

      It is truly scary how right my husband is with just a little information he can tell most the time what’s coming next. He even told me my sister was heading for a divorce, he told me my brother was very ill before any one knew he died two years ago after blowing his head off because of the suffering from throat cancer, He even knew his father was behind our sexless life from the beginning and about some affairs I had had.

      Some how we made him work everyday but six between 1985 and 2009, some of the arguments about holidays were terrible and drew the sherriffs telling my husband either he went to work on the holiday or he could spend the holiday in jail any way for creating a public disturbance by trying to argue his way out of the holiday.

      Today we were told by the president of the homeowners association that my husband sold our home illegaly because he did not tell the association who he was selling to. they said they were going to get him to send the money back for the sale of our house back there and require he follow all association rules, he just told him to drop it he had nothing to say under the law, and besides he never signed a contract with the association, so he owed them nothing.

      He feels he owes nothing to any one there, he will not follow any thing but what he feels is right now, manners are an inconvenient tool for the rest of us to use against his rights, and he has told me that now if I try to exclude him from sex, not accompany me as my husband, that there is the door, beyond that the road, iof I don’t like his decisions about his life now I could pack my bags and pick a direction, but I would leave my 16 month old son, and I would give up my home.

      In other words its his way or the high way. I always hoped for some way to negotiate his inclusion in his life, but 33 years of abuse, two desperate neural surgeries one he dies twice on and the doctor told him he considered letting him stay dead because he knew after seeing The damage MRSA in his spine caused he would never have a quality of life, my husband asked the doctor why he bothered to revive a slave any way, the last five years I have been trying to figure out a way for my husband to have the things he wanted without disruopting my life and other peoples expectations of him, I failed hard, first he came home and refused my needs wanting his needs met, for the three years between his surgery and the end of his rehab he felt we already stole his life with malice, when it was intended to just be a little while till we offered him his rights, The little while stopped after 16 years, He determined he was making his own decision about a job, in the resulting use of his seniority he took a much younger seniority’s need for this job and refused to back off, Four men were badly hurt when they tried to force him to not take the bid, I was told after a promise of trying to normalize our sex life if he just stayed where he was at, he told me to drop dead, after that night even the police and sheriff did not object to the armed intimidation of my husband into working every day when he did not want to, Since that horrinble morning we have not had one day of willing cooperation from my husband, he continued to pile up bleeding and broken people, now after two years of rehab, the accuasasion of his life being taken from him. He allows no more interference, if firearms arte used to intimidate he shows up and just about tears the ones using them to pieces with his cane, when his father tried to exclude him over his fathers best friend things really started to go to pieces. My husband wont allow his father any lattitude now in his life, the first time was last memorial day. I was on a reservation ticket with his fathers best friend this had been the tradition for 32 years, first when my husband refused to leave his house until called home after the cookout, my husband said my house, my food my equipment I am staying, at that point his mother said we are going to see the pigs fly tonight, his father funed the whole evening then handed out the reservation tickets, my husband told his fathers best friend he was turning the ticket over and scraming or go to the ER. he ran for his life dropping the ticket, gis father was screaming about hi\m taking his rights the last two years by force and he was not standing for it any more, he slapped his son and got a return backhand that broke his jaw and piled him up in the corner, his farther called ahead to the club nd told them the were not to admit my husband, the doorman/bouncer let me through but pushed my husband to the street, the poor man lost most of his teeth to the pavement when my husbands cane knocked him to the street, put his knee in the middle of his back and grabbed his pony tail smashing his face into the pavement. that’s the night we discovered the only right a doorman had was to call police to remove a drunk disruptive person, my husband never drinks, even tool himself of painkiller addiction cold turkey. and now the last attempt at exclusion nearly ended up with his father dyeing in the area in front of our hotel door with his fathers neck broken. The last tradition of the last 33 years went on the trash heap.
      All my friends tell me until some form of control is figured out for my husband I will never again be included.. I sort of feel if early on in our marriage I had stood with my husband instead of making those stupid demands that got so many hurt. I would not be losing friends,
      Since he went to the justice system and forced a investigation many more are going to hurt, not just the charges that can be made against me of marital fraud and extortion but conspiracy to deny civil rights as well as maintaining an indentured servant by threat, force and coersion.. there are many more that can share in the last two charges.
      I hope to find a means to bring peace, it just seems that there is too wide a seperation of wants. and needs. the only way I can live my life now is by my husband wants and needs. Nobody else counts except our son.

  • Sandra August 5, 2013, 7:22 pm

    Dont’ kid yourselves…..When they are right, they are right. I am married twice, both men, know it alls. Not only for themselves, but for me also. I waited 13 years before I married again. Like a lot of other women, I made the same mistake twice. More fool I. He was great during our courting days and then, it began. My family was low class (except for me), the sex stopped, but that too was my fault, I gained 5 pounds, therefore unattractive. From my prespective, he started drinking way too much and couldn’t engage, so rather than taking responsibility, he decided it was easier to blame me. It worked….My self esteem went down the tubes and I actually started believing that everything was my fault. It’s a good thing that I come from a very strong stock of women. I’ve lived with this same crap for 30 years and it never gets better. The only thing is that I don’t buy into it anymore. He nearly died this last April because of the booze. He was grateful that I didn’t leave him on his own when he was taken to emergency and so happy when I visited for two weeks while he was hospitalized. He’s home now, sober, but still the most critical son of bitch I’ve ever known. Nothing has changed, his opinions haven’t changed, they have just shifted, sobriety will do that….he thinks I get my own way all of the time, what a joke. When I was young, I could never understand how a woman or man could leave each other after so many years. I do now. I have one foot out the door because I don’t want to live another day where I feel like I owe him something. I treated his family, like I did my own because I wanted to. There’s an old saying ” A leopard doesn’t change his spots”, so true, so true. My husband has and does walk around with a cloud over his head and I guess that’s his thing.. BUT…. When after all of these years you are still watching what you are saying or feeling like you are infringing on your husbands/partners time, then it’s time to check out. In my case, I guess I can say that it was never meant to be and quite honestly, I am okay with that. I look forward to my twilight years in peace. Sometimes it takes time before we realize that we are responsible for good changes. I have no regrets, but I sure as hell have learned a lot over these past 30 years. The biggest lesson….never, ever lose yourself and if you find yourself sinking fast…go for help. I really mean it. Go for help. We are on this earth for a reason and I can assure you that it’s not to be used or abused. Peace Out….

    • Cheryl December 16, 2014, 12:11 pm

      I so agree I have lived this life for 42 years and has only gotten worse my husband masturbates and watches porn every night and then when he does Try to have sex he can’t and of course this is my fault to. He has controlled our entire life since I was 18 and yes he has taken every bit of my self esteem he controls the money decides where we go and what we do, he withholds intamacy until I comply to his demands I am beginning to hate this man and I always thought we would grow closes with age but it is just the opposite . He is an alcholic as was his father and the more I look at him the more I see his father. He has since quit drinking and attending aaa which the meetings are the best part if my week because he is home I am so tired of being wrong he lives onthe oast still hating me for things that happened 30 years ago where I hamd forgiven him he will never forgive me I have no respect left !

      • Nikki January 27, 2015, 11:06 pm

        Cheryl, my husband has a similar problem with porn, I know that it is an issue that is complicated to deal with, it sounds like you have a complicated person to love, I found that loving people shows us something about our own inner self, if you have the patience, which it sounds like you do, you can work out tough situations like this, I am not a therapist but I found that if there is love left, there is healing that can happen. My husband watched porn because he had intimacy issues, and had problems trusting and connecting on a more emotional level, with porn, there is no need to be brave or independent, it’s an escape from fears of intimacy, then addiction. Probably just like the alcohol, the reason why your husband picked you is probably because he felt almost brave enough to be loved and love in a good, intimate way, maybe because you are a most loving person, but somehow, things fell into a pattern of abuse and insecurity, in anycase, he has dragged you with him, to a world where he has built a deep hole, the best way, is to get the two of you out of it, and it can be done with learning how to trust slowly back into being intimate on a good, positive level, re-learning and reminding each other things about your past, your relationships before you met and talking about good memories, also, taking deep breaths, being out in nature, hiking, being in the sunlight, eating healthy, exercising together, and having new experiences, and most importantly having fun, in addition, you may be the stronger one to pull him out of the hole, but all you really need to do is give him a hand and he may be able to do the rest… you never know…also, there are things you can do to improve your own self esteem and you can teach him how as well, you can have him start out doing just the littlest of things, things that make you feel better, ask him to comb your hair or massage you, or cook a meal, I don’t know your history, but I have done these things and found that asking for things and saying thank you more and more helps ease and heal, there has to be some give and take on both ends.

      • leah March 9, 2015, 5:22 am

        My husband won’t sleep in some bed as ms his claim that his scare for his life that I’m going kill him because his baitz me to get into fight and say nasty mean things like your ugly fat nasty I would have to pay someone just have sex with so I slap him and punch him and throw things at him so his used this as excuse

  • Patti Anderson August 6, 2013, 8:03 am

    I am dealing with a man that expects me to go out of the way for him but when it is his turn there is always an excuse. He procrastinates with everything even getting out of bed in the morning. He is always right even though he knows he is wrong. He critisizes others for things and then turns around and does it himself. He watches everything I do and then tells me a better way to do it. I am losing that loving feeling. Even when he makes a mistake and really needs to apologize, he will argue and fight and turn the tables before he admits he is wrong. Sad thing is that he needs me financially and I feel if I leave the guilt of leaving him high and dry will consume me. I am unhappy and pray every night that this man wakes up and smells the coffee. One foot out the door and growing resentment daily.

    • Eight Years Out January 7, 2014, 6:45 pm

      You are an angel. If I was financially able, I would have probably been gone. That is probably why God has not be successfully employed for awhile.

      • Shellie Roy February 23, 2014, 3:27 am

        I feel exactly the same. My man has all the money/power. He feels since he pays the bills he doesn’t have to live by the same standards he holds me to. I am so opinionated and outspoken and educated. He is not educated. . However, my input is worthless to him. I’m so tired of a man who is so insecure making me feel cometely useless and unlovable. I really think God is allowing it to get so uncomfortable that I’ll finally leave. Even if it’s to live in a shelter. I do love me still.

    • B. Warren February 22, 2014, 9:47 pm

      Reading Patti’s statement sounds just like where I am. If I say blue, he says red; if I say up, he says down; if I say right, he says left. I am so tired of arguing and being wrong. I hate it. Whatever happened to people being nice to each other. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even want to say anything because if I do, no matter what it is, it will be wrong. I have prayed that it will get better and that if I change, things will get better but they don’t. He is always right and I need to realize that if I am going to stay in this relationship I will have to deal with being wrong.

      • Shellie Roy February 23, 2014, 1:22 am

        OMG. U hacked my life/brain/relationship. I swear these exact, identical,depressing words came out of my mouth today. Freaky. I’m so over it. I really am having a hard time not hating him as a Christian. I have got to go. Or I will die. I’ll die to a point that I’m even more dead than I am. And that isn’t possible. Ugh.

    • holly April 21, 2015, 6:09 am

      BULLIES. Theyre all just bullies! Little scared wimps boys, calling themselves “men” trying to feel big and strong so they choose you the big-hearted, loving,just want the love back, wouldnt think to plan, prey upon and emotionally abuse and breakdown another person just so you can feel better..because thats whars really going on! Its called “crazy making” these asses aew masTERS at it, after all, since they cant feel for anyone but themselves, its all about them, theyve had YEARS of practicing their skills. I bet none OF THSE MEN WOULD CONSIDER treating a man this way! Why? Because theyre AFRAID to, cuz deep down they know theyre just cowards.

  • greenbean September 16, 2013, 12:36 pm

    I was with someone like this for more than a decade and I thought it was my job to keep the peace and compromise. It eventually messed with my own self esteem being such a ‘bendy’ person and where this man would insist he was right, debate the hell out of it for weeks until I was just emotionally exhausted and would give in… even where there was tangible evidence that he was wrong and I was right. Anyway, I eventually left him and he begged me to come back but all I could see was more years ahead of this type of “abuse” and I do think it’s abuse. I think someone who has to be right all the time, a husband or boyfriend has a need to control due to low self confidence but they won’t give up the fight, they’d rather be right and mess up their relationships than ever admit they are wrong or ever seek help for their self confidence. I saw myself as a crutch to him or someone who he could always “in a sense” beat up with his need to always be right to make himself feel better about himself, and he never cared if it destroyed me or our relationship because his low self esteem was more important to him. So I realized he’d never change or at least that I wasn’t interested in wasting one more minute of my life being this person to him. Luckily I did have the financial resources to leave. Sadly, I date a lot and have to tell you that probably 80 to 90 percent of the men I go out with exhibit this sort of behaviour, I recognize the signs pretty early on as subtle as they may be. I’ve decided not to bother dating anymore lol not interested in having my self esteem degraded by someone like that or be someone’s crutch or play games and pretend it doesn’t matter.

  • Befuddled September 16, 2013, 3:58 pm

    Narcissistic personality disorder. Look this up. Melanie Tonia Evans’ website will explain it all.

    • Shellie Roy February 23, 2014, 3:31 am

      Rock on befuddled. I want to be like you someday soon. Aren’t you happier now?

    • Holly April 21, 2015, 6:12 am

      That’s correct! And Sociopath I suspect as well for some of these cowards

  • Stork October 3, 2013, 8:01 pm

    I am so sorry for you. I am in exactly the same state. For my part, I have given up hoping I can ever expect a compromise, so, as you do, I am either silent or I agree with him just to get over the blowup.
    All I can see is to try and glean as much satisfaction out of life as I can from other individuals and other activities. That is where I am now. I have put myself on a one year schedule. If, at the end of one year, my personal life changes do not seem adequate, I will reassess from there. My husband is old and I really don’t believe that any compromise on his part is reasonable. He has recently completely rejected one of our children due to actions on our child’s part that we do not approve of. When his total rejection and disinheritence of our child happended I lhave lost all interest in trying to “to the extra mile” and compromise on my part. I don’t like my child’s choice either, but I know I have communicated that and we can still have a relationship despite our differences. Not for my spouse. It is his way or no way. He grills me every day about my child and whether the child will change or not. It is to the point I would like to scream. He is so full of pride and so empty of love he will not call the child. He just piles the responsibility and the guilt (about something I have no control over) onto me. And then he just ratchets up the continuous nagging, nagging, nagging.
    Please take care of yourself and do not let yourself slip into complete depression which is where I am. Do not, under any circumstances let yourself fall that far as you may reach a point where you are not able to pull yourself out….
    Take care. My heart truly bleeds for you. The most horrible thing I know of is to be saddled in a loveless marrieage from which you cannot escape.

  • bob November 21, 2013, 8:15 am

    Anyone have wives who always want to argue and insist that she is correct? Women can be more situations and you can never tell them they are wrong. As a guy i tell her once or twice and i love watching her fail thats when she finally listens. God help men out there with stubborn wives!

    • Holly April 21, 2015, 6:23 am

      Bob you’re deflecting again. And the only reason she listens then is because youre actually telling the truth for once…its shocking! Stubborn? Is that what you call it when we just refuse to agree when you’re 100 percent wrong & the facts are right in front of you? We know, EEVVVERYBODY’S WRONG but you. Then a big man walks in the room, tells you youre wrong and all of a sudden you change the story…”That’s what i saiiiid!, SHES the one who had it wrong, im trying to tell her that!” Fucking loser. Everyone knows it too! LOL

      • Allison April 22, 2015, 5:58 pm

        From my point of view…

        I always want to be right. My husband says that I am too confident when I shouldn’t be.
        And you know what… I am! I claim to be a expert on almost everything even if I don;t know. I don’t do it intentionally… but I will hold my ground – even if I know I am wrong. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong. No one wants to be wrong, nor do they want to admit it. The problem with us, is that that we are BOTH similar. I’m more stubborn, while he is more selfish. He always mentions “right and wrong” even in subjective situations. But if he is right or wants what he wants and doesn’t get it, his reaction is drastic. He’ll say things like, ” I don’t want to live the rest of my life this way” or ” things aren’t always about compromising and I don’t like it”. They are hurtful to hear, but in the back of my mind… I’m thinking the same damn thing. He will do things he later regrets (nothing serious) He’ll get in his truck and say he’s staying at our other house – then when he gets there he says he’s lonely and misses me. It’s like living with a teenage boy. A 48 year old, teenage boy.

        But – I’m probably like living with a stubborn, always right, “don’t get me started” woman…

        I’m sorry for the women on here who have to seek financial security independently – I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I swore to myself that I would never be reliant on a man. My husband certainly makes much more than me, but I feel at peace with my independence. I wish you all luck and that same peace soon!

  • Anonymous November 21, 2013, 7:30 pm

    hello, I’m new to this. But as I started reading this issues, it actually applies to me (well..sometimes). I too have been married for 4 yrs with 2 children of our own. When I had our youngest things went sour. He decided to play games and met someone else. His excuse were working late or doing homework while I was at home taking of our own and being a “mommy” and wife. I never used to think he was doing anything until that night I felt it was getting too much of late nights. Soon enough, I checked his personal email that I never check…and there a picture of him sent to someone who I new.
    I was really stupid and thought it wasn’t. He lied so many times and tried so hard so he can just see her. I must admit…it was crushing, i felt i was nothing i felt devastated. He was my everything. Now..2 years later we decided to work things out and be a family again. But I feel like sometimes he punishes me and tries to find clues as if I was doing something to get back at him. Even though my ass works all the G** time and go home ..I have no life but just my is this fair?
    Im so fed up and I dont know what to do.

    • Julija January 31, 2015, 11:18 am

      Every situation is different, but one thing that helped me work through a similar situation was going to weekly counseling sessions. I think it really helped me find and solidify things I knew in my heart that I had been keeping locked away out of view. In the end, if you can follow what that little voice inside you tells you to do, 99.9% of the time it will work out ok. I know being with someone like that can make you silence that voice and doubt yourself. Going to therapy helped me learn how to trust yourself again. One thing to watch out for though, is “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” One thing that kept me from making progress in therapy for a while was that I had expected it to be a perfect fix. I felt frustrated that things weren’t miraculously resolving themselves like I had hoped. I finally had to accept that while it wasn’t a perfect fix, it was still good and it could still help if I let it.

    • Holly April 21, 2015, 6:29 am

      its who he is. Hell do it again…hes a con. I assure you. Leave him and you’ll be free. I promise. I lived it. You all DONT NEED HIM! The truth is HE NEEDS YOU! Thats why he beats you down so there’s no strength left no self worth. This is all done intentionally S L O W L Y til youre emotionally, mentally shot. look up Narcissist = your husband

  • Just a penny advice January 7, 2014, 1:06 am

    Then i end up in the big messed.I was once in all your shoes, but after all the learning and researching. I was changed and my marriage changed, my home changed for the better. It was after 13 yrs of marriage. It was not easy but the results and the consistency of actions i put on it paid off.
    I am a type of person who is quiet, so to received verbal abused, feeling not loved i got, i did rebell, left my spouse, and end up with more problems and after just being quiet, or being stubborn i said i decided my own choice, not knowing what to do. I end up getting hurt more. after 8 years He cheated and left me also. It hurts, but those wrong advice i did only resulted to more hurts for my family and kids. So i almost kill myself, but because of my children and some fear of God, that the only way for me when i was in my deepest, lowest, downfall situation, after i’ve done all what i know and listen to all the people and the blog is for me to look up, to the one who created the marriage. I keep asking why? Many times…..He, God, would know. Yes, He created the marriage, Does he knows or does he have a solution for this kind of marriage? Everyday, I prayed and prayed that the only one I got is God, total dependent on Him, and then I do my part, that after what I learned and heard it all depends upon my actions. God showed me a way, One day, I stumbled in one of the Radio Station. 105.1 FM. “Focus on the family”. Family thrive. They have lots of testimonies and advice that i heard that is really helped me. These are broken families that God fixes, worst than anyone i have heard of. They councel and help too. God showed me in the book of proverbs. Then I heard about the teaching of “Andrew Wommack”for our relationship with God. They are all free of charge so I took advantage of that.
    The bible says “Only by pride, comes contentions, but with the well advised is wisdom”. It is not by pride, but only by pride. We as human are always tendency to do everything “our way” If you are not willing to try to do what God wants you to do, it will never work for you. I keep searching and listening to the word of God everyday. I built my self, my confidence and my trust to the only one who created the humanit and marriage, which is God. If you think that your ways does not work..Try God and dont give up. I did, and now i am the glad I tried, He fixes me and my spouse. He does not go to church, but now he does also, little by little. Even though He cheated, and tells me all kinds of hurtful words, treat me like i am the stupid of all, but because I know in my self that God bought me for a price, i dont buy on those( i started listening to the word of God so this never intimidate me without my consent), instead i feel pity on those people who are like him, because, they cant find where to put themselves, they are actually feeling low self esteem and mirroring themselves to you by telling it to you what they are, they are empty and keep blaming others. I learned, by God’s grace how to deal with it, and God helped me how to love my spouse unconditionally like God loves us and i received what exactly i needed. Respect and love and care.
    My problem will not be the same as yours, or worst. But i know that God knows and have resolution for all our problems. The only way to obtain is our full cooperation and submission to obtain God’s amazing power in our marriage, or relationships. God’s way is higher or far from our human ways. I pray that you all seek the one who created the marriage and He will added everything of what you need in your life. If God fixes my marriage and both of us in the marriage. He is willing to do yours also. God is not a respecter of person.
    Be blessed!

  • Eight Years Out January 7, 2014, 6:42 pm

    I have been married for eight years. My husband is 12 years older than I am. When we were dating, my husband never, ever raised his voice to me. Unfortunately we only dated for seven months before we were married and lived 12 hours apart. He does not handle stress well and raises his voice and takes it out on me. I have let him know that this is very hurtful. He is very generous, which is one of the things that I loved about him. However, that turns out to be a big issue in our marriage. He did admit to me that he had $30,000 in unsecured credit card debt while we were married, but we agreed that I would control the finances once we were married because I came into the marriage debt free. That never happened. My husband always picks up the check and grossly over tips. That is fine if you do not have staggering debts piled up. I have never met a single Christian person who did not want to eliminate their debts. His view is that he wants to be remembered as someone who helped people, not someone who died debt free. He feels that he is sticking it to the credit card people who screwed him over at one time or other. He makes over 6 figures, but we live way outside of our means. He knows absolutely everything and it is hard to enjoy conversations with someone who feels everything is up for debate. This is his third marriage and I am starting to see why.

  • Time waits for no man, neither do I February 8, 2014, 1:10 pm

    I have an exact answer. Shut it down. He can’t win the game if you don’t play.

    Ask him if he thinks he’s right. Then ask him if he’s certain his perspective is the only one that might be right or are there others he could consider. Don’t bother offering your opinion if it’s going to fall on deaf ears. Your opinion is valued and first and foremost you must value it enough not to entertain time wasters.

    I too married Mr. Know it all but everyone is responsible for their own happiness and learning. You are their wife, not their mom, not their teacher, not their counsellor. As unhelpful as that might sound he’s a big boy – it’s ok to say you don’t have the answers to everything and encourage them to keep looking for the answer. And when they sulk just let them know if you come across the answer or another perspective you’ll be sure to tell them of it.

    I love my husband but my care factor when it comes to irrelevant, trivial, rubbish is pretty much on the ground. He has to really work hard to justify why I should even care about an issue before I’ll consider debating it if it’s trivial and as sad as that sounds…. I really don’t care. It saves me a lot of time and I need that time to do what I want with my life.

    • Amy November 8, 2014, 6:56 am

      I appreciate the straightforwardness of your answer. My question is this-When you say that he needs to work hard to justify why you should even engage in a conversation on a topic (paraphrasing), I can understand if it’s “trivial”, etc. (Who will win the SuperBowl this year, etc. type of trivial.) What if the topic is one of importance such as your children and their grades or things of that caliber. Issues that, in my opinion, are bigger than trivial. Children’s disrespectful nature towards others? Case in point-Child ‘A’ is his. Child ‘A’ feels as though her “sh*t doesn’t stink” so has no problem offering her opinion and quite frankly in other words, hands down her “decree” on any situation. (Judge, jury, executioner) I have raised my own kids (and yes, they are far from perfect) in a much more forgiving, respectful light. (They are a product of an alcoholic Mom-me, and an alcoholic Dad-my ex. They are amazingly enough not kids with hearts of stone which would be 100% justifiable.) I disagree with the “challenge everything”stance…she’s 13. A teacher says to stop talking-Stop talking. There’s 99.99999% of a chance you are interrupting something by talking. Dad’s stance-challenge the teacher. Why does she get to tell you what to do? She is employed because of children. This all said, and my question, I did sagree with his parenting “technique” (rolling my eyes) and how that allows his daughter to behave towards me. It’s an argument I can’t win but how is the best way to cope? (Yes, she knows the baby talk and the stroking of his ego get her much farther with him. Truly disgusting to watch.) Thank you.

  • aeliya May 19, 2014, 5:07 am

    i have been in the same boat for a little more than three years.. there are a couple of ways of doing things the “right” way but my better half fails to understand this…its always his way or the high way…. my self esteem has gone down the drain, i am indecisive, stressed and mostly unhappy… i have not bee appreciated in more than 3 years, i have not gotten a hug without asking or a kiss without asking.
    my day starts with “you got up late”, continues with the same kind of behaviour all day and ends with our backs to each other on the same bed. im always unhappy when i wake up… never looking forward to a bright new sunny day with a silver lining.. i dread waking up everyday… the best part of my marriage is sleep… makes me forget everything… i look forward everyday to 1;00 am because thats when i fall asleep.
    one leg is out the door… i contemplate separation but freak out and stay put… i guess i have to be subjected to more atrocious behaviour which will literally push me out the door…

    • RavSean May 20, 2014, 8:18 pm


      Please be careful. The more atrocious behaviour to which you refer can cause injury or death. It is also quite easy to talk about leaving during the warm weather. Consider that the behaviour that might finally push you out the door could happen in the dead of winter also.

      To criticize you from the first words and throughout the day is verbal abuse. It is one side of a multi-faceted coin which includes physical abuse, emotional abuse, and every other type of abuse that can exist. You deserve better.

      If you choose to stay, stay. But speak to a counsellor. A counsellor will teach you the techniques that you will need to build and maintain your sense of self.

      If you choose to leave, make sure that you have a plan. Your plan should include a means, a destination, new e-mail, new cell phone, cash, and your own credit card. To leave on a whim in the middle of the night will only bring you back into the situation.

      Good luck.


  • Melody Melhaff July 7, 2014, 4:26 am

    Never argue with a know it all, for it is impossible to win. These people cannot be fixed. They were simply born this way. If you find yourself in a relationship with one, turn and run, as fast as you can, the other way.

    • Jo-Anne Ryan March 22, 2015, 8:22 pm

      how can I send this to my husband?

  • enca July 17, 2014, 3:36 pm

    Sounds exactly like my husband. I try my best to tolerate his behavior but at times i disagree with him and that’s when he gets mad at me.

  • 40+year fool August 3, 2014, 7:45 pm

    I am 59 years old married to my love since high school. 42 years of struggle and 3 grown kids and kept waiting for his stress to calm. Vacations are awesome when he has cocktails and forgets work and family stress. Very intelligent man. Grew up in military family and was best disciplined of 4 boys. His mother thinks he has never done anything but the best. Hard to live up to. I quit cooking when was insulted with tough roast by putting shoe on plate and trying to saw with knife. His mom never cooked either. Should have know then. Used to be violent but finally I fought back so that ended. Now it’s the silent treatment or abusive words. I know I will NEVER be right. Even in the areas I am educated in accounting/taxes. I hear the demeaning comments all the time. “Oh is that the new hat you put on today” (referencing my opinion on anything or any word about of my mouth). I’m surprised my daughter even asks about my grand kids symptoms. (She has his personality more than her 2 older brothers ). When do you give up? So hard after so long!

    • 40+fool August 3, 2014, 7:50 pm

      Oh by way don’t even try to have friends. Or you will be accused of being lesbian. Or even worse mention any guy, you must be seeing a boyfriend! Really at 59 I only want the love of my life

    • cindy May 22, 2015, 7:10 am

      get a good paying job and leave

  • Patty August 9, 2014, 3:05 pm

    Yup. I have a guy who always has to be right. I told him to turn right to get to a store that I know where it was. He turned left instead. Then, he went full circle until we were back where I had told him to go in the first place. He spends too much money. He gambles. la la la

    • 40+fool October 1, 2014, 8:23 pm

      It’s ok when my husband spends money. Not okay when I do unless he agrees with what it was spent on. Not a drinker or into drugs or gambling. Way to serious for that. Would rather be a martyr.

  • Karen September 15, 2014, 7:37 am

    My husband has a great memory and he loves to argue about what was actually said or done to win an argument. We have been watching the Netflix series The Good Wives and I realize he acts like a lawyer, its not about what is really true, its about how he can win an argument with clever manipulations and blame. In one episode the judge insisted each lawyer end their comments with “in my opinion”. The beauty of this is it helps everyone recognize the game of communication… it is an approximation of clarity, your own clarity. I can accept my husband’s opinion when he is not trying to be right and make me wrong and he can accept mine. I hope this helps someone.

  • kyr October 1, 2014, 6:00 pm

    I am also married to a ‘lawyer’. To me it isn’t even about having 2 different opinions… whatever, no big deal. My problem is he just wants to break down any random thing I say. My daughter asked him for $4 today for a field trip coming up, he said “I will get some cash and you can take it tomorrow” she said just write a check! He said no, I’ll get it today…. she said but why? I said people don’t usually write checks for things that are only a few dollars honey. He starts in on me… who are these people and why don’t they write checks for a few dollars!?! (I don’t like this because it is multiple times a day and I really am disliking being married) I asked him why does he have to break apart everything I say, I don’t want to be on a debate team. I was just backing him up and answering my daughter. But for the record people don’t like writing checks for a few dollars because if it were to bounce a $4 check can end up costing you $50 or more. And he is the one who just didn’t want to write a darn check! It seems so silly, but when someone wants to pick you apart all the time it is maddening. It makes the children not take you seriously… oh and he really loves pretending he doesn’t know what slang type words mean…. like if I say something is ‘lame’ he will say what I don’t get it, it can’t use its legs?, it doesn’t have legs. It isn’t even a thing.. I just call him out that he knows what it means and that once again I don’t want to argue, and he goes off and sulks. It is crazy making

    • Uma November 11, 2014, 12:05 pm

      How annoying and perverse. I know the type all too well… This one does it so much and is so pushy that eventually I blow up and firmly state something OR YELL and then of course from then on out I’m the bad guy. Drove me nuts, I act nuts, now he’s the sad little butthole who was so terribly mistreated. NEVER apologizes. Must have been raised by real charmers.

  • queen N October 7, 2014, 6:04 am

    My husband decides everything financially and the sad part is we working together.we have 3 children 12 8 and 2yrs old. I am not getting paid because he is telling me that he pays school fees buy food and paying installments with the money thats supposed to be my salary…if he finds me having any money i have to explain to him who gave it to me and its saddens me very much. His favourite words are my house, my car, my business and he is always right he controls my every move…im so tired of being treated like doormat

  • Lia October 11, 2014, 12:32 am

    Holy crap… I started reading this and honestly it was like you pulled my thoughts right out of my head.

  • Sergio betancourt October 24, 2014, 4:44 am

    He’s obviously bipolar or has borderline personality disorder .

  • Dawn October 25, 2014, 9:30 pm

    I’m about at the end of my rope. My hubby has this thing he likes to do. Whenever he makes a mistake, he can’t admit he has. Instead, he turns it around and makes sure to tell me that it was my fault. He says things, then doesn’t remember them. I worry about him, we had an amazing marriage at first…. We have beautiful sons. His granny had Alzheimer’s. He’s almost 50. I’m tired of being at fault for everything.

  • Judith White October 27, 2014, 12:36 pm

    My husband and I are separated and have so called tried to work things out, he started attacking me over little things when I went up to visit him. Instead of staying one more night and deal with this, I went back to S.C.This made hint angry, but it got the point across that I left for this very reason and will continue if attacked verbally and always made to feel guilty about my feelings. Sometimes pulling away is the only way to get their attention. If that does’t work, then let go and give iy time. If he loves you, he will either come back to work with you or stay away.This way you are putting it back in his lap. Try not to harbor anger so you will .br free and pray to find peace.

  • Jon November 1, 2014, 3:45 pm

    What is quite interesting about all this is the fact that it is all from a woman’s perspective. I am a man in a relationship whereby all the influence is outside my control. They say no man is an island, well I do a pretty good impression of one. If I have an opinion it is secondary to the family base already built. I came into everything late, so my say is unimportant. For example, if the girls are watching a film and I choose to wash up as I came in on it late, then I follow that up by sorting out the kitchen and all that needs doing, then I’m being selfish because I’m making noise. BUT if I don’t do anything ever and sit on my backside all day I’m lazy. Basically I can do things, but when I’M told to. I can appreciate that things are supposed to be down the middle but what harm am I doing by doing a job noone can be bothered to do at the time. If it gets left then it will only end up either being done by me anyway, or moaned about in terms of the fact I didn’t do it or at least offer. Apparently I have an attitude problem, which I’m seeing someone to discuss but even this indicates I’m in the wrong? How can I be constantly in the wrong WHATEVER I do? I’m 40 years old, have moved out of home and don’t see who should tell me how I should be. It sounds like I’m throwing my rattle out of my pram but I’m not, I am merely looking for clarification of what I should do. I’m told working down the middle works, but when I don’t make the rules, where the hell is the middle?

    • Joanie November 11, 2014, 12:17 pm

      You’re right, this is not gender specific whatsoever. When everything you do is wrong, you are not trusted, respected or appreciated. I think it’s true what they say, when you second guess yourself, aren’t on guard for such behavior, if you ever tolerate it, the boundary vanishes. I’ve entered a relationship with a person who I knew didn’t respect others, was a bad listener, wasn’t empathetic, was full of themself. I somehow fooled myself into thinking that since they fell in love with me, that they wouldn’t treat me like that. I was wrong. It’s not you, there’s nothing you can do that I know of. I’ve been in several long term relationships and the worst one is when the person is just a jerk.

  • Stella November 11, 2014, 11:25 pm

    We can both be hot headed. We invoked the absolute worse reactions out of each other during arguments. So long story/ history short… About 2-3 months ago I was ready to walk out. Of course he cried and begged me to try. For the sake of the lease that we are currently in, I agreed to stay and we can use these remaining 6 months to see if we can repair things. We’ve been together for almost 4 years, we have an 18 month old and I have two other kids from a previous marriage who are 11 and 12. Now instead of having frequent violent blow ups we have a new habit of completely avoiding each other. I’ve tried and it’s like he’s checked out and I try to stay out of his way. When I’ve had enough and react it’s me not caring about his feelings and I’m only reacting to him being hurt, I don’t actually have valid reasons to be upset. He insults and cusses and I grew up a similar household. I can bite my tongue to a certain degree but for more reasons than mentioned, I’m growing extremely resentful, fed up, and I’m over his tantrums. Recently he flipped out about me not supporting his vision on a new hair cut. Mind you he has curly wavy hair and he showed me a pick of a guy with straight hair. When I told him it’s not realistic to expected to look that way, he flipped out and was super hurt. This is a petty example I have much more and many others that are serious. I just want it to end, I want me back. I just need to learn how to disengage when he cusses me out, insults me and purposely going for a reaction. I have fallen to that each time because I’m the type of person who respects herself and don’t think any man should speak to me that way, especially the father of my child and the man I’m in a relationship with.

    • Being Real December 30, 2014, 7:56 am

      Hi Stella, one thing that has worked for me with temper tantrums, is to say that I don’t care if you’re wrong or you’re right, the way you are disrespecting me is wrong, and I’m not going to listen to anything you want o say to me until you give me respect. So then he goes passive-aggressive on me, so I tell him exactly the same thing, and explain that passive-aggressive is speaking disrespectfully to me in a quiet voice and it is still abusive. He got the message.

  • Ready to go November 14, 2014, 4:25 am

    I hv been in a relationship w a man for 4 years. We hv experienced a lot of loss. We went into a business together that failed because of his need to always b right. He believes he is the jack of all trades but in actually the master of none. He won’t even allow me to excel in areas that I am qualified in. He always references the bible stating that the man is the head of the house and what he says goes. While I do believe that God intended for their to be one leader per household I don’t think he meant a dictatorship. We recently hv considered starting another business together. We went to speak to our lawyer to help us properly set up our business and out line the structure. Not 5 mins after we left he stated so basically I’m running the show and u execute. Needless to say I’m not with that as our last business venture cost us more than $500k. I’m not willing to invest that type of time or money again w someone wants to RUN THE SHOW.. I’m giving it until the end of the year. I’m going to put everything on the table and if his behavior doesn’t change I’m out ✌️

    • Being Real December 29, 2014, 11:14 am

      Yeah, that’s a sure sign of immaturity to quote that one line and forget the rest. Yeah, it does say that in Ephesians 5:22-24,33 of the wife in four verses, but it also says the responsibilities of the husband for his wife in Ephesians 5:25-33 in nine verses. The Bible isn’t MacDonalds where you can pick and choose what you want on your burger. Anyway, the word LOVE is used twice for the wife and five times for the husband. Since your husband quotes that to you, and obviously lacks an understanding of what his part in LOVING you is, why not do a study on Ephesians 5:22-33 together? And the rest of Ch5 and the rest of Ephesians? And Proverbs, which is good for developing good character. And also 1 Peter 3:7, which promises blessing to the husband when he treats his wife properly – God considers the way a man treats his wife so important that if it’s bad, then God won’t even listen to the husbands prayers. The main thing with the wife “obeying” the husband part, is that it’s not supposed to be hard, but easy to do and easy to trust him, because of the way the husband loves and treats his wife well. As a Christian, he should know and do this stuff, it’ll help him grow. And hopefully save your marriage! Remember, you’re a doorway, not a doormat. Until then, ask God to help you, praying and reading the Bible helps me and keeps me sane!!! A very good help for depression XO

  • Page November 18, 2014, 4:38 pm

    I’m in a similar situation. Both of us are argumentative over topics, but he goes that extra mile of putting down my opinion and insulting me until I either cut the coversation off or admit he is right.
    It’s interesting reading this section of similar complaints, makes me wonder what our partners would say about us – because these things usually are a two way street.
    But given that it’s such a common problem with guys being know it alls (in my experience), it leaves me to think the choice is more between being along or staying with unpleasant people. I feel that changing partners won’t help, the next will likely have the same issues. I personally choose to stay for that reason, at least for now. Better to be with the devil you know than one you don’t.

  • Daniella 40 November 23, 2014, 2:18 am

    Everyone of these stories has something close to my relationship. My nerves are bad, its been 17years. I’m tired of being treated and talked to like a child. Father know it all is always right. I pray I don’t snap and do something. I cry more than anything,. I have also started smoking. The children is what I worry about. If I didn’t have them I would leave and never look back. Praying for a miracle… Not to stay in the marriage, but to free me from it without causing more harm.

  • HeartBrokenLia November 25, 2014, 6:56 pm

    Ok. I read this blog. I hear you. I am in a very similar situation. But the bottom line is I LOVE my husband. So what is the solution? What is wrong with him (or me)?

    We cannot agree on anything. If I question anything he gets mad. If I offer my opinion it’s a stupid idea. The only time we get along is when I am completely docile and agreeable.

    He is selfish. I guess that’s the word. He spends money on things he wants while I can’t even buy the foundation I want.

    He doesnt wear his wedding ring.

    And now he’s locked his phone so I can’t get into it. Even though we’ve always shared passwords. He got mad at me because I had a second Facebook account that I used to play a game that I’ve had since before I knew him. And he’s mad because I won’t close it. Even though I don’t have access to his phone. He wants me to cave in and close my Facebook account that I haven’t even logged into in over a year simply because he said so.

    What is the solution?


    Is there something wrong with me?

    He says its me. He says I’m too sensitive.

    He takes nonrespobiltiy for anything

    He never says sorry.

    I tell him I love him and he either says nothing or he response with “what?” Or “show me”.

    He breaks my heart and he knows this, but doesn’t care.

    I feel like I married someone’s that doesn’t love me.

    I don’t want a divorce.

    I want a solution.

    He never compliments me. Never says anything good to me or about me.

    I feel ugly. And stupid.

    He spends no time with me because he’s too busy playing video games or on his phone.

    I am at my wits end.

    • Being Real December 29, 2014, 9:07 am

      Hi HeartBrokenLia, your husband has serious control issues, these always stem out of rejection and manipulation that has been experienced somewhere in his life. Unfortunately, he hasn’t dealt with these and is taking it out on you. Part of him realizes what he is doing, but part of him doesn’t. But that does not excuse him in any way for the terrible way he has been treating you.
      Some things which have worked for me with these issues is to stand my ground and refuse to be treated badly. I pointed out that I am not going to even hear or listen to what is being said to me while I am being treated in a disrespectful manner. Took a while, had to wait for opportunities to say things when he was listening to me – sometimes this took even my apologizing for something I had done wrong. It’s taken a while, but now he is quick to apologize. But the most important thing is that I am now treated with respect and listened to more. Everyone is different, hope this helps.

  • worn out November 26, 2014, 10:09 am

    the same applies to me..he gets upset wit evrything i say…im da educated one and he is not and clearly our level of thinking is diffrent.honestly speaking im da humbliest wife ever! bt he doesnt seem 2 appreciate.he says bullshit in public…shouts at me and da neighbours would hear everything.he makes me feel inferior!!!im fed up though we hv bin married for over a year now.i waz raised by a single mum and i know hw it feels lyk thus i cant get out of the marriage coz i dont want my daughter to go through the same phase.please help me.i have tried to tel him how he makes me feel and he wil tel m it wont happen again.The worst thing is his harsh Hot Horrible TEMPER!!!!!!!!!!Im just sick of it

    • Being Real December 29, 2014, 9:42 am

      Hi worn out, I so feel for you, been there with the terrible temper!
      Took a while for me to help him to choose to change his temper and other behaviors. Read my reply to HeartBrokenLia above. The main thing was to stand my ground, and ask for respect.
      Also, I had a friend who is friends with both of us visit and she ended up talking about her breakups with boyfriends, including one with a guy who had a mean temper. It was a shock for him to hear that a hot temper is a deal-breaker for women in relationships. Ever since then, he has changed the way he looks at his behavior and doesn’t explode. The thing was it didn’t only come from me, it came from someone he is friends with. Does he have a friend [male or female] that he will listen to and that you can trust to ask to talk to him about his anger and lack of respect, and that this is not a good way to raise a child?
      If you think that he would explode, maybe the best thing is to take your girl and go, if he’s not listening to you, because that is safest for you and her. It’s not just about you, you do need to consider what is best for your daughter. Maybe that would shock him to realise he has to change. It is so important for kids to grow up in a loving home atmosphere and have respectful behavior modeled to them.
      Such a tough situation, but doing the best for your daughter will be worth it, no matter how hard it is.
      I hope you’ve got a good support network, your Mom sounds like a good ally.

  • Ongmu drukpa November 27, 2014, 12:21 pm

    Hey dnt give up,its really hard throughout life bt its a little try to help ur love once to tolerate his behaviour.look im 21yrs old n hv only 2yrs of experience in dis subject. Hurt ,bt to stand with him is my love,i know u can’t want to loss , so ignore sm behave also convence dat he is a kind of high temper…and when u hv a good time with echothr…(night at bed) Hold him and convence dat u both did wrong n want help frm him kiss him hug him n say u wnt live without him n say i love u.try once fr mme like dis convence him,m gland to advice frm india,

  • Fed up November 27, 2014, 12:46 pm

    hey i also feel d same way .dat my husband did nt allow me to access his fb. When i say dat u mst b hidding smthng he makes noise n says to me dat if i said it by love he ll gave bt m making doubt so he d doubt creating himself no.he didnt allow politely so i doubt him .,nw plz tell me who is wronh .he is nt too bad bt yes nt good i really love him to leave him means to my death,he loves me bt y sm tym he act like he inforced, regreted,nt me d girl wch he was married.plz in my case who is wrong we both r 22yrs old or its is happning frm our unmaturity in age?we loved eachother bt y i ll happner

    • Being Real December 29, 2014, 8:45 am

      Hey Fed Up, you could post something like this on his wall [so only he can read it, don't embarrass him publicly] that “good husbands let their wife answer their phone, read their text, read their face book.” And say that you just wanted to get his attention, and that only he can see this. Yeah, you are both young, he needs to mature, marriage is about sharing and trust. Trust is a two way thing, for the positive, that he’s got nothing to hide. Asking you to trust him isn’t being open and honest. Question: does he have issues with authority figures? You aren’t his parent, or head master, or boss, you are his wife, and he should trust you as an equal. Love is about being friends, about two people being committed to being with the person in the world who most make each other happy. Working through issues in the first few years is normal, and you may not feel happy at those times, It’s about long-term commitment, respect and good boundaries. Good boundaries like we have nothing to hide, we are in a committed relationship. Hope this helps!

  • Tammy hudspeth January 5, 2015, 4:38 am

    I never allowed what I was married to which is a monster control me oranything else. Oh he tried had but I didn’t take his Childish mess . I didn’t tell him i loved because I didn’t. I never let him taken my self esteem because he was cruel rude nasty and just toxic. Ladies name is randy hudspeth tall fat ugly black guy cuts he was never a man to me fighting woman. He beat me in my face with his fist four years and broke my hand now he’s looking at going back to prison and he should. No respect for my neighbors his mother before she passed my daughter which is not his but I never gave him that control over me and still have my self esteem. So I pray that some you woman become strong because their are plenty of good respectful man out there just remember if u ever here in San Antonio and else where meet this randy hudspeth dont fall for the tears lies and the I don’t know everybody treat me this way, cuts it bull and he is going to try and destroy u and u life. He is going to try and turn you against your family and friends ,he is going to try gett u fired from your job or jobs. If u do you would be stupid and use condoms with him cus he’s nasty. Ladies don’t mess with that one I give u all a fair warning like his mother gave me before she passed.

  • nathalie January 19, 2015, 4:33 am

    i too now live with someone who always has to be right. everytime we get into an argument, he gets verbally cruel nd abussive, i start shaking all over so bad i can barely pick up a glass of water without dropping half th contents. We had a huge blow out yesterday because of his ex. When i met him he kept telling me that they would find each other from time to time, even when he was with someone, he even went as far as to tell me that it’s normal, they had no children, there’s no bond, but they keep in touch. He mother passed away a week ago, so of course his goddaughter called to him his his ex’s mom died, so he sent his condolences. It hit a nerve, but i knew it was the right thing to do. Well,apparently he didn’t think it was enough, he also wants to call her personally. And that’s when i was nice, but after thinking about it, it really rattled me. I told him as nice as i could, and the reaction he had was very aggressice and threatening. I told him i apologized for flipping out and that yes, it is politeness but then he went on about contacting someone near her to not call because he always gets into trouble with me, and he was nonetheless cruel with his words. I had completely apologized to him, that made nothing. I see now that she means more to him than i thought. I am completely crushed because i know he will always keep in touch with her and i know me, i’m going to save money and leave and he’ll put thewhole blame on me, as perusual. I”m sick of his verbal and emotional abuse on me. I apologized and he should too for allthe hurtful insults he threw my way, but he told he ne’d done nothing wrong at all and that’s that and that i’d better get over it, because i’m pushing his buttons and that if i want to see what a real asshole is like, that that’s what he’s going to be. He’s always threatening me, he’s always saying things like ‘i know you’re unhappy her, no matter what i do and on and on it goes. I can’t handle this anymore. He is completely childish and wrong with his behavior, he definitely needs to apologize for the way he overreacted to me in the past because it’s bugging me, but he never will. I know no one likes him at work, i’m startin to understand why he is so hated. He’s completely in the wrong. He treats people as if they have no rights to their feelings. I pray i get a job soon, because i’ll save up my own money and then i’m out of here. I’ll deal with my broken heart with a little of my friend’s help, but theres no way i can live like this. HIs lies and twisting around of things, he also puts the blame on me for everything. I am so crushed he’s like this. Over the holidays he was so incredible, he became someone else intirelly. There are many times i wonder if he’s bi-polar, he gets very aggressive and says the cruelest things and bluntly refuses to see that he was also in the wrong. The only thing to do with this is to leave him. People never change and he never will. I hope he regrest and cries himself to sleep everynight after i leave, because it will all have been his fault, hiw own doing.

  • Nikki January 27, 2015, 10:19 pm

    I think my husband has to always have an opinion on things to rebut me because he lacks some trust in what I say, communication and trust go hand and hand in some fashion because our words are like the evidence to what stems inside. I think my husband has trust issues when I give him information/advice/or instruction, there must have been something in his past to make him insecure with these three types of communication, however, when I tell him things that encourage, inspire, and compliment he doesn’t challenge me. I am not a therapist and I am a newlywed, but there is a problem with our communication style, I don’t know how to fix it, but maybe if I mix compliments and kisses with instruction, or inspiration with advice, or information with facts and ask him what he thinks, maybe I may be successful… just a thought, I am still learning and do not want this to grow into something worse….

  • mary hawkins February 3, 2015, 11:13 am

    Reading these poet’s let’s me know I am not alone. I am a widow my husband of 22 years passed away 4 years ago. Two years ago I reconnected with an old high school friend. We spoke off and on over the years. He was very kind, attentive and seemed to be a great guy. But I knew he had 3 marriages that ended in divorce. His side was he had no fault it was the women who destroyed it. My first clue. I made excuses and proceeded on with the relationship. This man has 5 children. Two boys who were 11 and 15. He did pay his child support and sent extra money for sports,Xmas,food etc. The ex wife was always out of work and lived with a man who did not work. So the child support was their only income. Her boyfriend left her. She was going to be homeless. The boys needed a home. I never hesitated they came to live with us. I got them in counseling, enrolled in school. One into boy scouts. The oldest was very disrespectful especially to his dad. The dad never disciplined them. He wanted me to. I explained I did not feel it was my job..They are getting to know me. He is the father and should lay down some house rules. It never happened. I stepped in after months and got control of what was acceptable behavior. His youngest was struggling in school. I went to a conference. Told dad Jeremy needs to be reminded daily and we need to stay on top of grades and homework. He agrees and does nothing. 2 years later their mom has not contributed one penny to these boys. I have taken financial responsibility of them. I told my boyfriend he should file for child support. He paid it what makes her not have to support her kids. There was a parenting plan drawn up. Yet she comes and goes as she pleases. He will not stand up for himself or me. He agrees with all the things I discuss with him. But never follows thru and has one excuse after another. I have grown angry and bitter. His 2 boys talk to me tell me about their day. I listen and respond. They do not try to communicate with there dad cause they have given up. The dad will stay in the kitchen or another room cleaning or busy work. Just to avoid having to be in any of our conversations. He says he does not talk cause it is not what he had planned or he had a hard day or we over talk him and we make him forget what he wants to say. We give him the floor he is silent. His son will say please share. He responds with whatever and walks away. These 2 boys count on me. School is out in June. I do not want to abandon them. But I realized there dad will never be responsible. Confused.

    • Nikki February 3, 2015, 10:45 pm

      Mary, you are a saint, I think that the boys have been truly blessed to have a responsible adult in their lives, even though you are not their biological parent, you do mostly all the things that a good parent does, so why do you do it? Do you love him/them? Or is it something you do because you have been married prior and you assumed the role again? In any case, any body who has you in their life is lucky, you seem like a very nurturing, caring person. Do something good for yourself

    • Amy February 4, 2015, 1:43 am

      Mary, you are one of the best and kindest people that those kids, the Dad and the Mom could ever have the privilege of knowing. While I’d love to tell you to walk away because of the two parents I am going to tell you from the bottom of my heart to stay with those kids. You’d never get any sort of custody or visitation time with them if you brought it to court (in some States you can even if you are not the actual parent) because one of the two of them will shoot it down by playing up their parenting in court however erroneously. Those boys need you and I can guarantee you, YOU will be rewarded later on by them. My bf’s Mom hasn’t been in the picture for years (literally said she was now done being a Mom), his Dad thinks life’s a party and isn’t and hasn’t been a good parent but the ONE person through his whole life that has truly taken an interest in him is his ex-step-Mom. (His Dad and she married when he was about 7-8 and divorced when he was just out of hs and he’s now 39.) She has been the cheerleader, she is the one he will actually say is his parent. She is exaulted in his mind over either of his biological parents. She has gone through his heartbreaks in life and his joys. (Who do you think he called first when his two kids were born? Her and only her.) I fear that your bf’s kids would be lost if you left them and no amount of “We’ll keep in touch every week”, etc. will ever be believed and will crush those kids more. I know you want your life and deserve all the happiness and goodness but those kids need you. You are their life preserver. My only idea is if you are serious about leaving but still want a relationship with the kids, set up a meeting/s with a counselor to map out a good, solid, stable course that you can adhere to that allows you to put up boundaries (reasonable ones) and reasonable expectations (not the-I will drop off a gourmet homemade lunch to you every single morning) and when you’re comfortable with that plan, bring the kids into the counselor so they, too, know you plan on being there and here is what they can expect and not expect. No illusions. They may even have some different needs and wants you didn’t know. In any case, you, my dear, are one of the most commendable women I’ve come across in quite awhile and I admire you.

  • Kathy Patages February 9, 2015, 4:54 am

    Alisa, I want to say first that any one who is in the position of acting superior on any level is very insecure. This girl has to realize that the real problem behind his actions are about his own insecurities, He creating a false since reality (being right all the time) in order to feel safe. Even if he were a true narcissistic personality, still these people come from a place of great rejection and abandonment that stay with them the rest of their lives.

    In a marriage you should be able to negotiate and ask your partner for a behavior change, and a normal response should be as you wish. They will usually up the anti to keep things the same because they are used to being in their comfort zone, but they eventually change. That is if the partner healthy.

    If you find even after asking them to change and they won’t. Then you are in a script that the insecure person needs to keep playing in order to feel safe. These people need counseling to address their fears. If they don’t go to counseling then the one asking for changes will need to get their partner to talk about their fears to address them. He will need to desensitize his fears of not being able to trust.

  • Karen February 14, 2015, 3:44 pm

    I can so relate to this behavior with my husband. It has been 10 years of critical comments, control and porn. Everyday I grow more and more resentful and want to just shut down. My son is now emulating his dads behavior. My self esteem is shot and someday I just want to drive away and leave no forwarding address.

    I’m a 50 year old woman that get treated like a 10 year old!! Help

  • Karen February 14, 2015, 3:50 pm

    Forgot to mention…… My physical health suffered last year and he was very non shall aunt about me being so sick. No sympathy or warmth towards me, always about how tired he is… My mental wellbeing is also on the brink of a break. Thank goodness for pills and prayer.

  • gakiema essa February 22, 2015, 3:34 pm

    i have now gone through some of the comments. let me tell you what i figured out…although men are cut out with different shapesvand sizes, they are made with the same damn dough:-(. If women are not good enough for thm thn how can we be good enough to form a couple

  • Heartbroken March 20, 2015, 1:01 am

    I am a mother of 2 girls.very beautiful and happy kids whom i want to bring up with lot of care,attention,affection. I am a stay at home mom and want to give the best to them.problem is my husband.he is aggressive and very short tempered. We will get angry on anything and everything. Whether it is the mess at home,whats made for dinner, money i spent where,how,why etc. i was working till my sevond one came along. Now inspite of my best efforts to please me, he is always complaining. It seems i am never upto the mark. I am fed up want to give up but i m worried about the future of my kids.he has an opinion on stuff where men dont need to know and comment i am so done with him.want to run away..should i?

  • Amy March 20, 2015, 1:13 am

    Just a quick one I read a few nights ago. There’s a term for abuse I’d never heard. Gaslighting. Google it and see if it fits any situation you and your spouse/significant other/whatever you are. Kind of eye opening for me, actually. I’m not saying that even if every single example happens to you it means that you have the excuse now to play the martyr or “woe is me” type of victim but just read a little up on it. Shocked the crap out of me how some of my relationships have been. What’s a nastier combo. is being in a relationship with a narcissistic person that also engages in this behavior. As I said it was eye opening for me; it almost put the puzzle together for me when thinking about a relationship I had.

  • Caroline April 14, 2015, 6:21 pm

    I am exactly the same position I’m my relationship’he’s always right, I’m always wrong, I’ve tried really hard to make this work, he gets Angry when I’m doing something without him knowing or being involved,you cannot be together 24/7?it seems he gets jealous when I’m going out, living my life, being confident? Which he saps out of me, he says he loves me?, but it’s tearing me apart, he seems to enjoy this, for example I pay for everything!!! He has given me maybe three, four presents in 13 yrs? When I have spent all of my money on him, he appreciates nothing!, he actually threw me out of his flat after sponging off of me for all these years, I stayed away for 6 months I grew more confident, became fitter, felt no stress, generally felt happy I am in a no win situation, in response to the woman who can’t ask her man a question! The best thing to do is leave him, it will destroy you in the end, leave you with nothing, believe me it’s hard when you love some one,, bit I’d rather be happy on my own than have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life, move on honestly, or ask him to get help therapy,! I’ve asked all of this but no he’s not interested, well maybe in himself, I’m not a door mat no one deserves to be treated this way,! You will meet some one who will understand,be kind, look after you, these things should come naturally to some one who loves you??, it’s been six months and I’ve never looked back! It’s in my past, I live each day in the present, I’m so happy, content ,no worries, no stress, be yourself, dont put up with it any longer, your wasting your time, stay positive, you will know if you have made the right decision, I know I did! Hope this helps good luck and blessings !!Caroline x

  • Ella April 17, 2015, 4:14 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year 5 months so it is relatively new and although it is not anywhere near as the long term marriages/relationships which I have read about on here it is unfortunately just as stressful. It’s my first serious relationship but I feel lost at times. He is very short tempered, he shouts swears and insults me at things which to me are so trivial. I’m generally a calm person and I hate swearing, I feel it aggravates the situation and I’ve not ever been brought up to use foul language to express my emotions, in fact I’m 28 and I have never heard a single swear word come out from my fathers or siblings mouth. My boyfriend on the other hand lacks manners and initially I thought I could teach him to be a better person but he feel’s that I’m constantly ‘telling him off’. In my view it’s constructive criticism, anything I say I say in the most kindest and calmest of words but he would just respond in a rude/harsh manner when I just wish he would speak to me in the same tone that I speak to him . My fear is mainly his short temper? Is it normal for guys to be short tempered? How do I react to it if he gets bad at the most simple things – he blows everything out of proportion and being a fragile and individual myself I sometimes dont know how to react to it so end up crying.. He does also say he wants to get married but if we have these problems at this very early stage into our relation how are we going to get by in marriage?

    • Replying to Ella April 17, 2015, 2:56 pm

      Well, I am an outside party who doesn’t know the entire situation, but from the short amount that I read, it seems like you two are off to a rocky start. When I first started dating my husband, we were in a bubble of bliss for nearly 5 years…. What I see is two things

      1) He will not change his behaviors about shouting at you over trivial things. You either ARE that kind of person, or you AREN’T.
      2) I do not think it’s smart to go into a relationship thinking you can change something about the other person. I believe the best relationships are those in which both parties accept each other for who they are. That’s not to say there aren’t small habits which will irritate you to no end, but something like using foul language – that’s inhibiting a part of his personality. If he swears, he swears. He used foul language when you met him – and now you are asking him to change a part of himself to appease you. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s not always fair to hold someone accountable for a behavior that was present at the time you met… at least not something like using foul language.

      Again – I’m not a part of your daily lives, so I don’t know the accuracy of which I am analyzing your situation, but from what you did type – those are my thoughts. And that isn’t to say you are WRONG, either… don’t think that. They are just small truths that are what they are.

      Good Luck, Sweetie!

  • RavSean April 17, 2015, 7:36 am


    Please do not think he is going to change with the addition of a wedding ring. He will not. Shouting and cursing is not something you want in your marriage. It is not something you had in your family life growing up. It is not something you want in your family life when you have children of your own, if that is your choice.

    RavSean´s last blog post ..I Am Not Christian….

  • Ohhh the Joys of Manipulation and Narcissism... April 17, 2015, 2:45 pm

    I have sat here and read through these comments, and they have made me cry, laugh, and cry some more. I have been with my (ex) husband for 7 years – and yes, we got a divorce…. but we STILL LIVE TOGETHER… we just couldn’t let go of each other. But, honestly, (and I know all you ladies who live with a man like this) will understand that being divorced gives me comfort… I could walk away at any time. I have a good job which allows me to stand on my own two feet, my own insurance, my own (beautiful) car, and a mean shopping habit, which allows me to dress sharply… so, I repeat, I could walk away at any time. The problem is that I love the m*****f*****. A lot.

    Over the years, I have come to (very slowly and painfully) realize that there are tiny little things that I can do to get under his skin. Anyone who has as many psychological issues as he does and exhibits the behaviors he does CAN be given a dose of their own medicine.

    Granted – I’m only recently getting better at this, but I will try and sum up my (teeny-tiny) victories….

    For starters, getting a DIVORCE and flouncing around town as if I don’t give a rat’s ass… this tore him into shreds, or so he claimed… but be careful – he’ll give you a dose of your own medicine. You have to have impeccable timing on this one.

    following up every single negative, snide remark with ‘in your opinion’…. literally over, and over, and over. Every single time he says something asshole-ish, say ‘in your opinion’. It’s gotten to the point where he screams ‘I KNOW IT’S MY OPINION… EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION, AND I’M GIVING YOU MINE. YOU CAN STOP SAYING THAT’. To which, I reply – nothing. And I continue to remind him that it’s his opinion ;)

    Be brutally honest with his family (mother) with explicit details and instances. This provides proof and it puts them on YOUR SIDE. They’ll always love him, but it gives your relationship a bit of reality… it’s not so easy for him to bowl them over with his exaggerations when they have heard your side. It also helps that he cannot change who he is, so he treats them with a lot of the same tendencies he shows me.

    WRITE THINGS DOWN. I saw a lady comment earlier that she immediately wrote down every aspect of the argument with dates and details. I have done this too – it helps a LOT. See? You DID call me a stupid, selfish bitch… toldya!

    Even though he’ll be an asshole, tell him that what he’s saying is negative and rude and it wouldn’t be appreciated by anyone. He has a bad habit of saying ‘it was just a JOKE. geez. I can’t even joke with you now’. (shifting the blame, of course)… and I’ll say – well I just don’t think that kind of humor is funny. Maybe I can open my heart and mind and accept that your humor is unique to you, and I’ll try harder to understand that you just mean it in a joking manner. To which he will reply ‘I just won’t joke with you anymore’… and so we have ‘come to an agreement’. pfffft. But at least it’ll point out the behavior.

    There are pieces of his behavior that literally tickle my soul… they make me cry until i laugh b/c he’s just that insane. I have eczema, and when i got a pretty bad bout last time, he stole all of my steroid cream and rubbed it all over these ‘spots on his skin’ b/c he was ‘sure he has psoriasis’… and everytime i would itch or comment on my problem, he would start talking about his ‘psoriasis’ and how he hopes he can have it healed…. of course, his problem was much more serious than mine… For this? Every. Single. Time. he mentioned it – I said ‘make an appt with the dermatologist’ (and also laughing at him and telling him he did NOT HAVE PSORIASIS)… and after two years – he finally saw a doctor!!!! Guess what? He’s all clear… no more stealing my creams or complaining….

    I truly believe that much of his personality cannot be helped. I think some of it can, and I think he is childish at times, but I am learning that he is who he is, and I have to take him for who he is. He has called me names at times, and he can twist/turn my mind into a puddle over something stupid so that he’s right, he will lie by omission and change his story, but all I can do is continually call him on it. He has never been physically abusive to me and nothing more serious than calling me names… He can be positive and good to me at times, too – thanking me and telling me I’m beautiful. He isn’t ALL BAD… and so I have chosen to try and WORK with the bad.

    I had a horribly abuse childhood in every way imaginable, and he has some abuse in his background too. I think that we’re trying to make the best of life – and I believe he is genuinely a good man who comes by his horrible behaviors honestly. He has helped me grow into who I am today, and I will always love him for it. I cannot say we’ll always be together, but I do know that for now, we can’t let each other go. We both have love for one another, and I don’t think I could walk away from it.

    I wish everyone here luck, and I have empathy and sympathy for many of the women who have posted here. I am so grateful to the internet – as it has provided many forums for like-minded people to get together and support one another. May God/Jah/Yahweh/GreatSpirit grant you peace and happiness.

  • Shhh April 25, 2015, 12:04 pm

    My boyfriend mother herself has told me that sometimes when he’s drunk and he gets like all of those guys we’ve been talking about– sometimes you just have to shut up and eat dirt. What a wonderful fkin life to live huh? I know I shouldn’t be here. For some reason, I have a hard time bringing it to an end. We still have fun sometimes. When we don’t have fun and we argue though, it gets bad. I question my sanity all the time, and I know better. According to him I’m miserable all the time and all I do is yell at him. He hates my sister– my best friend! And talks bad about her, and says I change when I go hang out with her. Maybe I change because she’s right! All I need is some guts and I can have control of my feelings and feel like a beautiful human being again.

    • Mason May 3, 2015, 1:31 am

      Hello all,much loving,kind hearted,workaholic,would do anything for anyone who needs a helping hand,gracious,high spirited human ladies are a stone in this world that no man has ever made a jewel and polished your love to glow….I swear I’ve always tried so hard to help everyone. As a younger boy I admired girls for how they made my heart speed transfer to emotion.from my third grade teacher to my third grade girlfriend. There is something about the joy of being secluded from the world in the moment with each other…….and in that moment later in this future world in our lives I can’t be wrong but I’ll never be right.see I’m saying that these speed bumps that life slips us are all based upon our previous encounters of love….if your ex painted the walls in your old house and he showed you how to properly fan the brush and you guys stayed up all night listening to old songs and talking about what will the next project be….and your new husband just calls a contractor and won’t have the need for the waste of time he explains…..fine….but when you tell him it will only take one night and you already now how to fan the brush..he changes…..he is furious about your knowledge ….he takes a deep breath ..and this asshole steps out of his mouth and says,,,,,you don’t know what your talking about………….ladies I’m sorry that that monster was shown to you.respecting our lovers and putting them on high is a goal……but men always have a grab your nuts pissing contest that only leads to hurt…’s annoying …and I understand you learned to find your powers of hurt.. I know lyou ladies have amazing strength to make things happen,your blessed, But I did want to say ” I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you”

  • Nourah Mumeen May 8, 2015, 7:37 am

    Not about the contest, I could care less. The problem I see is women want to just hand over the responsibility to a man to fully take care of them in every aspect and men are completely incapable of doing that. If fact, no one is capable of fully taking care of anyone else. Seriously, if you aren’t happy leave, if you are happy stay. If you can’t or won’t leave, then accept this as your life with him. Of course, I wasn’t willing to leave him, so I just deal with it. How do you deal with it? Adopt an “I don’t give a damn attitude”, too. If he always buys you the wrong pads, for instance, buy your own damn pads, this is America. If he won’t, be your own best friend and buy your own gifts with your own money. Make yourself for yourself and don’t do any favors. Don’t fake orgasims, don’t fake anything, don’t show him any attention, just be cordial and consume yourself with things you like and don’t worry about dude, he’ll either get with the program or not. Or, do a rendition of Beyonce’s “Why don’t yo love me” video for him. If he responds or not, it doesn’t matter. Focus on your own fabulousness and ignore him. Find something more enjoyable than worrying over a clown. Don’t try to change him, change you and ignore his B.S., you’ll be happy. If me, a niqabi Muslim can figure out how, you can, too.

  • 40+yesrs May 20, 2015, 10:27 pm

    After 43+ years I know I still love him and I don’t want to end life without him. Although if I had the support and knowledge 20-30 years ago I would not be on this situation. It is a decision only you can make. Every couples dynamics are different. Weigh the pros and cons carefully. I know my kids have felt the negative yet some positives. Think hard before making snap decisions. What can you take that’s worhh it or not. at 60 years old I can deal somewhat and not in a good way. Is it worth it for you? Be careful in choices


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