How to argue with Mr. Always Right

A Reader Participation Post

Here’s a “biggest marital problem” sent to me by a reader:

My husband is aggressive, rude, and is always right and I am always wrong. Therefore I no longer have serious conversations with him. I try to avoid talking about anything that he might find upsetting, even though it may be something that is upsetting to me. We basically don’t have a relationship. I desperately would like to have a relationship, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is capable of it. I just agree with what he says. If I don’t he gets very angry and says that I just want to argue. If I ask him questions he gets angry too, so I will just ask him one question if I want to know something. If I don’t like or don’t understand his answer, I won’t say anything because that makes him very angry. What should I do?

Readers: This is all you. Can you help this reader with her biggest marital problem? I’m giving you two weeks to wrestle with this one. I will be awarding prizes to 5 people who I judge (by purely non-objective standards) to have the most helpful and insightful advice. The prizes include a free signed copy of my book Project: Happily Ever After + several other books that publishers have sent me recently: Jenn Berman’s Rockin Babies (I have two copies), Byron Pitts’ Step Out of Nothing, and Hulk Hogan’s My Life Outside the Ring.

Note: For the next two weeks, I will be taking a social media vacation. It do this once or twice a year whenever I start to feel stale, burned out, and irritated with humanity. Now is that time of year. I hope to return in two weeks as the generous, kind, loving, somewhat positive person I once knew. Because I won’t be posting much this month, the more comments you leave on this and other older posts, the higher your chances of winning the next Reader of the Month. For July Rental Car Choices will be giving away a free pass to Universal Studios. Make sure you click through to the actual blog to comment. Comments sent to me via email or left on Facebook don’t count for this promotion.

360 comments… add one

  • Jini October 31, 2015, 4:02 pm

    I watched this and it helped me. Our lives are exactly as we want them to be. We can change any situation by the love and positive energy we give out. This video helped me. I hope it helps u. You are in my prayers and I hope you will be much happier soon. May god bless you and give you strength through your difficult time. All the best to you.

    Check out this video on YouTube:

  • Jini October 31, 2015, 4:17 pm

    This may help you too understand your husband too..

    I wish you and all women or men suffering many blessings for relief.

  • Laura October 31, 2015, 10:14 pm

    I would approach him calmly one night, after dinner, maybe even after a few drinks… Maybe make him a favourite meal of his… Sit next to him and explain that you really don’t like conflict, explain how you feel. Be sure to give specific examples so he knows where you are coming from. Ask him what he would like you to do differently to avoid conflict, what things can you change so that he’s a better listener, and s better husband. Tell him how you feel about decision making and ask him how you could be more involved. I understand he doesn’t like to be asked a lot of questions, so maybe as one question a day until all of your questions are answered… Just a thought– take it slow, be real and true to him and yourself. If you have to communicate non-verbally–maybe find a card that speaks for you then go from there :)

    • Cecilia November 22, 2015, 10:10 am

      That’s very sweet but it doesn’t work with this type of men. I have tried hundred times and while you are talking, they are not listening because they are looking for their answer to defend themselves; to make yourself wrong and themselves right. I am just sick of his behaviour! Almost done with him!

      • Prerna February 12, 2016, 1:03 am

        Agree with every word! I have a very much similar situation! I speak as little as possible! Eveytime I loose my control and get into arguments I feel I am putting myself in a pit!! And with 18 month old daughter I dont want to spoil the situation.

        Would be nice to know how you manage your situation

    • Cj January 14, 2016, 8:55 am

      Have you ever tried that? Just another fight to get past and with a few drinks? That’s liable to be the crossing from very val abuse to physical abuse dumb solution. We all keep waiting for things to get better we waste previous years trying to change people you have only the option of fixing yourself in this life don’t waste your life trying to change others it just does not happen make yourself happy make your plans get loose from him

    • Jane February 12, 2016, 4:46 pm

      This is THE worst advice I’ve ever read…what dream world do you live in?

  • Janice October 31, 2015, 10:45 pm

    I’ve been reading recent comments. In response to the most recent, talking to him will make no difference. He wont’ change. A person must manage the situation by seeing what’s going on, looking after themselves including by protecting personal boundaries, and living with the knowledge that no matter what you do, he won’t change. He may change tactics and behaviour but he will still be Mr Always right.

  • Susay October 31, 2015, 11:03 pm

    I have this same problem and sorry this kind of approach backfires everytime. He doesnt have any problems in his mind its all mine!

    • Diane November 1, 2015, 1:39 am

      Amen!! You’re singing my song too! Gotta just try to move on or live your own life separate from him. Sad that it would come to that after 30 yrs of marriage but it has in my case. I have to accept I have no husband, only one on paper, which by the way has more substance then he does.

      • Stephanie November 1, 2015, 7:42 pm

        I think my husband is mentally ill. He has been abusing me for the last ten years of our thirty year marriage. I m not sure where or how to get help.

      • Janice November 1, 2015, 11:46 pm

        An abusive person is not mentally ill. They are just plain evil.

      • libl December 20, 2015, 10:17 am

        Not entirely so. My grandfather was a world class gentleman towards grandma their entire marriage until dementia struck. Then, he would verbally assault her from time to time. Depression, dementia, certain medications can cause people to lash out abusively. He needs to see a doctor.

  • Janice November 1, 2015, 1:41 am

    Dianne, I’m in the same boat.

  • Diane November 1, 2015, 1:46 am

    Ahahaha. Are we all married to the same man??!!

    • Misunderstood December 29, 2015, 8:44 pm


    • Jeff January 4, 2016, 10:20 am

      My wife is this way…so lets not just pick on the men :)

  • Seanna November 1, 2015, 11:10 pm

    I try and come in a calm manner and write frankly is worse! If I say, you yelled at me today for something he’ll say …WELL YOU YELL AT ME! if I say, do you think what you said was loving, he’ll say. ..I don’t know is what you do loving? I swear no matter WHAT I say it’s like a parrot regurgitating the exact same statement. I’m at a loss I don’t know what to do but NEVER A DISCUSS ANYTHING. which I know will eventually ruin us. Please help, anyone?

    • Jo Ann November 25, 2015, 10:52 am

      Trust me when I say this. He is a narcissist. look up narcissistic personalities, . and you’ll see. sad that’s what you’re living with type of a man. I just moved out yesterday from living with him for a yr. you’re never right you’re always wrong they don’t listen they don’t care to listen. They turn everything back around on you they will go out and tell their friends that it’s you that you are a crazy b**** . Because it takes the focus off of them and their issues. They r very selfishly people. They will tell you how much they love u . but, when you disagree with them they want you out of their lifes. and if you take a break from them and move out, soon as you’re gone an hour later they’re out looking for somebody else to have sex with that’s a narcissistic personality. I try to discuss things with him that made me unhappy, all he will ssy is I’m not going to fight with u. We go thtough this ever day. When it ever going to stop. Your not happy with me. This is what he tells me. These type of men are not capable of loving a good woman. Not understanding he didn’t even know what the word empathy meant. I had to look it up and show him. And he had the audacity to say you’re right I don’t agree with the meaning of the word I don’t feel sorry for people. Take care of yourself and move on that’s what I’m doing. Jo Ann

      • Tracey December 5, 2015, 11:15 pm

        So true! You’ve nailed it dead on! I’m married to exactly that! :-(

      • Brenda January 31, 2016, 12:08 am

        My husband of 25 years has become very abusive, psychologically. He screams at everything. He has broken 3 doors in the past 2 months. I’m always wrong. Doesn’t matter what or how. The slightest thing sets him off. The whole world is wrong in his opinion. I am not sure if I still love him but I don’t feel I can leave. I’m lost here. I don’t know what happened. I have my suspicions that the pain medication he has been on (back problems) have changed him, but of course, I’m wrong.

    • msdisenchanted November 28, 2015, 12:28 pm

      We are married to the same ‘man’! Every question is always answered with a question or comment that does little but somehow initiate the everything is somehow my fault: I cause his bad driving, neglected attention to home repairs, my questions about innocuous topics, his obstinate silence. I just avoid him now. It’s futile to engage a this sort of self entitled man child.

  • Jennifer November 5, 2015, 12:32 pm

    Speaking to a controlling spouse within the confines of the home environment are not always beneficial to reaching true communication. What has happened in this situation is trust has been eroded for the wife and the relationship damaged by the behavior of the husband. However, this behavior toward his wife is probably a reflection of some past trauma in his relationships with other people (probably his own mother) and only through dedicated work with a psychiatrist or counselor will this man be able to accept his own behaviors as controlling, forgive his past relationships for making him scared to trust in this one, and help him build more positive interactive communication with his spouse. The husband must commit himself to working toward these goals.

    • Janice November 13, 2015, 10:30 am

      This type of can all too commonly be wired in whether by early training (before 3) or by brain trauma or inherited traits. We who post here would need solace less if our spouses were amenable to change. I cannot discuss with mine because he reinterprets what I say and reinvents my story to suit his agenda of always being right and ne always wrong. He refuses to see a counsellor or turns on the charm the few times I managed to drag him along. He seems to have no interest nor care about how I feel tet expects ( and believes he has) love and devition from me . There is no commin ground upon which we can communicate. He calls all the shots.

      • Janice's Husband November 27, 2015, 5:18 pm

        Honeybunch, please try to avoid so many misspellings in the future.

      • Eileen December 10, 2015, 6:40 am

        Janice’s Husband, you’re proof of what your wife said above your comment. Total proof that you always have to be right. Pointing out her spelling mistakes. Showing your “macho man” attitude through passive-aggressiveness by calling her by her pet name in the same sentence you pointed out her spelling errors. seriously? Trying to make yourself look like a charming man by calling her Honeybunch? Maybe for you, her spelling has to be no less than perfect because you deserve perfection, right??? But for us, we can still understand what she’s saying regardless of her spelling errors. It’s sad that you have to come online after snooping on her internet activity to let her know you saw this and put her on blast. Can’t you just tell her in person instead of acting immature? Oh wait, her fault, right?

        You’re a narcissistic man. Ever said the words “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong? ”

        She doesn’t need to try and avoid spelling mistakes in the future. This isn’t about you anyway. She can write however the heck she wants.

    • Cj January 14, 2016, 9:08 am

      I have been through all those excuses for him he had no mother she died when he was four his dad was an alcoholic no love in his childhood I’m still always wrong karma has a way though he wished his youngest adult soon dead (not mine) he got ran over by his truck and had to have two surgeries in one week for a mrsa infection he wished something else bad on someone somebody else’s truck hit him he wished me and my whole family dead a day later two not one of his first cousins died on same day be nice dint wish bad things on other people fix yourself because fixing others is not an option

  • Sarah November 8, 2015, 7:16 pm

    Why does he NEED to be right? Was he hurt by someone? Is he intimidated by you or others? Does he need to prove something? Does he need a lot of approval in general?

    I suggest you read the book “The five love languages” and, if possible, get him to read it too. We all have different ways of needing to feel loved, maybe he is responding to feeling his needs are somehow not met.

    This is hard because it sounds like you are the victim in all of this…so, what do you want? Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? If the answer is yes, a little ( or a lot) of determination to not be a victim and to (despite his lashing out) love him to the point of making sure his needs are met can take you a long way…why? Because love really is the answer.

    But don’t hear what I am not saying.

    If he (despite you being selfless and loving) still does not show you love in return, if he is abusive in any way, and for goodness sake if you have children that are watching….I wouldn’t (and for what it’s worth I believe you shouldn’t) settle for anything less than professional help and/or positive signs of changing behavior on his part.

    God bless you and good luck!

  • Eliza November 13, 2015, 9:58 am

    I could be in this situation in reverse. I don’t think that I am a mean monster or a narcissist. However, I have come to understand that one of the reasons that I act as I do is all the years of practice I had growing up with a parent unwilling to see any opinion other than her own. There was no recognition of any activity of mine unless it was something desired by her, although, I was never quite good enough. I can very much see the side of the initial letter writer – and will say that it is difficult to change myself, although I am trying (with professional help). For the life of me, however, sometimes I cannot see how my spouse puts up with my behavior at times.

  • joanie November 15, 2015, 2:21 pm

    Has anyone been able to successfully “argue” with this type of person yet?

    I’m at the point now where I just don’t want to speak or voice my opinion for anything.

    I know it’s not my fault he gets mad over the dumbest stuff but at what point can I just say ok and still be happy?! Ugghhh

    • Misunderstood December 29, 2015, 8:56 pm

      I feel the same way about that too.If I voice my opinion just once he cuts me off and tell me what I think does not count!So I just don’t say anything at all I tell him he is always right and I apologize for voicing my opinion.He cursed and calls me bad names,and tells me stfu!!

  • LOST November 15, 2015, 4:22 pm

    So was there an answer? I absolutely hate conflict, it makes me uncomfortable. If i ever have an opinion that varies from my husbands he turns it into an argument. It is so bad that sometimes we agree and it is an argument. He rarely lets me talk….. I probably say less than 100 words to his 1000 words….. And I am scared to say something except only affirmative things just to avoid an argument. If he saw this, it would be an argument…. He does not realize that he just does not let me talk, and when I do talk 90% of the time he takes offense that i think anything and it turns into an argument. My husband is a great man, i am not writing this because i do not like him…. I love him so much it hurts…. Im writing this because i want him to understand how much i hate conflict, respect my opinions, listen without feeling like he needs to fix everything, listen without taking offense….. It is so bad lately that i feel lonely when i am right next to him because i do not want to argue with him or make him angry.

    • Joanie November 17, 2015, 12:19 am

      I am right there with you…lost…

      He’s starting to get very aggressive with me though….The more I give in and stop being myself and just be a slave to his anger, the more it seems like he doesn’t care that I’m
      Around. It’s starting to get more abusive too that I think I’m becoming a doormat !!!

    • Cal55 November 23, 2015, 3:01 pm

      I have discovered with my husband its become he wants the conflict. He just gets into every ones face and says I dare you to make me. The when they get to tired of him defying them they do, and that’s when the mouth of hell opens and everyone walks way bleeding and broken,
      I have seen armed intimidation used, people gang up on him, With armed intimidation he waits to catch them without their gun, Then he knocks them out and puts their hands on a hard place a just stomps on them until he knows they can never pull a trigger, As for me the only thing I could use to gain cooperation was sex denial in January he came home from a stress center, He was having Issues over the lose of feeling in his legs due to MRSA causing his spinal cord to be crushed in 2009, The fact I thought all the promises I had made to normalize our marital bed eventually I thought were not going to happen now he was crippled and I started an affair with an old boy friend, was caught the last time I was going to be with him and my husband came in to talk when his cane was swept by my old boy friend, I think it was more the humiliation of hitting the floor and the other man laughing and calling him a pathetic loser, That got my old boyfriend face and scull fractured. Two weeks latter his father told me they were keeping my husband in the center because nobody could be freed up to get him that night owing to the political fund raiser we were going to that evening, I was going to just accompany his fathers best friend as well as his mother and father. My husband was delivered home through his insurance and the first I knew was when I ran into his chest, He looked like a storm about to break. He backed me through the living room telling me what I owed him for the last 31 years and what I had returned for his support, he did not think some of the days I wanted to retreat and pull a hole in after me when he got mad He was again being told That he had to wait on something he had earned because others had more need was a return on what he had contributed in work, blood, sweat and pain, Some of the days were epic bringing the sheriff out and telling him he could either go to work or to jail his choice, that worked until he set up a video recorder and retained a civil libertys lawyer, He actually held his hands out and dared him to take him in he would love the county to pay out a multi year payout in the 100 million range for false arrest, Denial of civil rights. that was last year on memorial day, The sheriff told his deputy to get out of there. His father ended up with a broken jaw that evening. when my husband took the reservation made to after dinner drinks at the club for me and his fathers friend. away from his fathers friend telling his father he was taking me to the club. His father slapped my husband and was backhanded across our kitchen, The doorman that tried to keep my husband out of the club got his face smashed into the street pavement losing all his teeth. I have not been able to get any cooperation from my husband since 2009 In 2013 I was thrown to the floor and He had his way.
      He dared me to file charges he wanted the abuse of 42 years to come out in open court to make sure everyone was totally discredited, He wanted us to hurt as bad as he hurt. It was just to gain and keep his cooperation that I had denied his rights as a husband. He just stopped trying to talk things through and taking what he wanted. From sex to vacations he Has made it impossible to move without his inclusion. Holiday and vacation traditions are now no longer going to be with out him like they were for 32 years of our marriage, If three years ago he had been willing to come and talk things through then maybe it would have gone4 his way. Now he forces it to be his way or somebody will be hurt.
      I just came home and he’s in the living room I told him we were thinking of having Thanksgiving in the rehab were his father is I told him our son and I would bring him some sandwiches like we used to at where he worked. I had a book hit me in the side of my head, I looked at the tablet He uses to communicate with now, He said have fun My son stays I will not return. Or I could make a thanksgiving here this year and send his father the sandwiches. Again he is calling the shots, He is at least back to walking after the stroke six weeks ago. I will be talking to my mother about what to do latter I know that for the three years in rehab my husband was in the only thing he saw was the centers meal he did not even get sandwiches, I also know from 1985 to 2009 we never forgot he was being made to work and got sandwiches every time at his gate but once. I also know the pettiness of that once in 2008, When he slapped a friend of his father upside the face with the butt of a shotgun, then drew down on his father and two others He worked his sixteen hour shift came home and found the dinner we fixed in the warmer and took what he wanted and threw the rest in the yard another day of being petty because he was made to do something he did not want to do. We were the ones eating sandwiches that night at dennys.
      Four years later its more petty. Denying my right to go out with his fathers friend just for a dinner and because I had refused sex for decades he decided he was no longer waiting, he could have finally got a definite determination About his life instead he’s been trying to kill us. And I don’t know where I can turn to stop him. EVen Lawyers tell us we abused him for decades maybe its our turn> I am sorry if I did not make sense in parts I have been drinking a little. and crying.

  • Janice November 15, 2015, 4:43 pm

    The strategies that one can realistically use with Mr Always right are more like how to handle yourself in the relationship without being crushed. Direct agumentation with him is pointless. It is more about how to get your perspective across to him in non-confrontational ways. It is also good to receive moral support from people who share this experience. Not engaging when he outs you down or seeks to control you is a good ploy. I am learning more and more to do this. I also take advice from a sympathetic male friend: there are few things in life so important that they can’t wait 30 seconds. I make Me Always Right wait when I can even though he expects instant compliance. He learns more from actions than words. Some of these guys are probably autistic: lacking social and emotional awareness and skills.

    • Cal55 November 28, 2015, 5:14 pm

      Janice: I can tell of the first time I got in a bad argument with my husband. Three days after he walked in the door from serving most the last three and a half years under water, in the navy, He was coming back to a big three auto manufacture after a six year military leave. under the UAW contract his military time continued to accrue seniority. When he came back under the contract he could have the shift preference, job preference, vacation slot preference, take or refuse holidays and weekends as he felt with his seniority. Within the first two days home he was going to use his seniority to get off second shift by bumping the youngest person in seniority off days.
      It happened that her father. an area manager got her hired just six months before in the plant. he was a very pretty 19 year old blond with a very active social life that her mother and father did not want to see interupted, On second shift was the worst place to have a social life.
      So I was asked by my father in law, his union and the supervisor my husband worked for to help them keep my husband from using his seniority at least for the first two years he was back to allow every thing to stabilize, So when he refused to back off his bump that Thursday, I told my husband at le4ast for the first 2 years he was home there would not be any marital relationship until two years was up just to make sure he complied with our wishes. HE stormed out of his fathers house calling me a mercenary b****. He was backed off by so many people begging him includiing the union chaplin His steward, Just begging him to stand back, Everyone saw the way my husband was going to be about cooperation.

      Two years latter on my first vacation trip to Rome I was again called on to get my husband to back down from taking his vacation slot choice in favor of the same woman that bought on our original argument. I went hat in hand and almost kneeled in front of my husband to just work the next three weeks and allow the younger girl go with her mother, father, and her new fiancé to go instead. My husband hauled my bible out setting a trap made me swear that whenever, wherever, and however he wanted a vacation I would be both enthusiastic and a willing bed partner, on it, I was so glad I did not get more argument out of my husband that I swore willingly.

      He was totally insulting to everyone when he was made to take us to the airport, Where most men would have taken his fathers mothers wife’s and others luggage to the check in for them he shuffled around opened the back of the van a screeched off leaving it piled in the street driving off with half the money I had intended to take plus the price he made the girl and her family give him for giving up his slot almost 4000.00 in all. We sort of felt he could have waited for that. His middle finger raised as he left. I felt it was a very petty thing to do for what I thought was right.

      When we got back he was vgoing to take off on the vacation he choose on that day without consulting me or anyone else in the group. We had talked about when he would be taking his vacation time in Rome and had decided that the best time to get him to go on his was from January the second to the middle of February. Instead I was sent home to my mothers by bus and one of his fathers judicial friends got a court order denying him the right to take a vacation as he felt.

      Since then gaining cooperation after I came back has been argument after argument and promise after promise trying to get him to do as others needed< By October 2009 he was sick depressed, never had a nice thing to say to me unless I buckled under to his demand for sex. If he would not have been so defiant thiing's might have been different but every holiday, vacation, even weekends it was hell getting him to work instead of somebody else that needed the time. If he would have been willing to back down just once from 1987 on I feel that I would not have kept him in a sexless marriage. Would have allowed him some time of his choosing eventyally but his being obstinate about wanting what he wanted when he wanted got everyone to the point he was never going to get his way. Then MRSA in his spine. in 2009 drew any thought that he would have what he wanted to a close. Everyone thought that what he wanted now was not even possible because we had been told he would be confined to a wheel chair, His father said all he had was a few more years before his reward would have been allowed. When he came home walking with a cane it was a shock to everyone. He had kept the fact he could walk a secret from us. It was intended to put everyone on notice he was done letting us decide what when where and how he was going to have the rights he felt he had been denied 31 years. And he put me on notice I was on a very short leash from then on. that if I was invited to a function socially he was to be considered invited also, That he was no longer going to let me do as I pleased in vacations and holidays he was paying for.

      When he came home he decided that he was no longer living a sexless marriage. He de4cided that his fat6her and others had no say in his life, Since they offered no help for decades and he felt I offered nothing but blackmail and theft of his life, and I was no longer going to deny his right as a man. That evening I had promised to go to a political fund raising event as accompaniment for his fathers best friend, His father and mother were also coming but he told me I owed 31 years of marital life. He informed everyone that night under his roof he had provided he was the only one to make any decisions in what he was allowed and that included sex. He gave me no choice in the matter even with me begging for him to meet us any where he wanted after the event to get all his grievances laid out and addressed I said an unfortunate word that I had heard so many times, so we could figure out what he would be ALLOWED now he was crippled, He was not going to permi8te any one to ALLOWE him anything he was taking what he earned with or without our say so.. The last three years everyone has gone from telling him what was going to happen to begging him not to knock their brains out.

      This is the MR always right I have to deal with on a daily basis now, One who does not ask but demands and takes what he wants from vacations to holidays, This thanks giving was horrible I had friends that really did not want him around. Many had travelled the 1200 miles to come where we live now. I suggested he just stay in his computer room and I would bring his dinner in there and the rest of everyone would have a nice time, He said if they did not want him around they did not have to come, he would be anywhere in his home he wanted to be. One of his fathers friends came through the door and demanded to know why my husband was in the living room, all it took was my husband saying its his home why should he be there The couple turned and left.

      • Janice November 28, 2015, 5:28 pm

        Cal55, sounds dreadful but I can picture it. Having sex with them gives a clear message that they have power and rights over you. Preferable to avoid if you cannot trust him emotionally. It also gives him ammo to call you mercenary and a user, when your main motivations are probably fear and a desire for peace ie anything to get him off yiur back. What a shame for you that he can walk. True, such men are not like by others. We can take comfort we are not alone in that.

      • Cal55 November 28, 2015, 8:33 pm

        Janice: thank you for being understanding. I did not mean to subject my husband to this kind of life. but maybe you have heard the terms of what submarine sails are told Iron men in steel ships. My husband came home after three and a half years 956 days of them spent under water the rest in refit or in sequestered schools due to the secrecy of what he did. when he came back to reclaim his UAW position I had no idea how a contract and union worked His father told me things of how he returned from his first military the Army how he came back after his basic training and AIT during the fall of his senior year an was TAD to the local guard until he left in January to finish his senior year, He was 17 at the time How when he went back to the football team and forced four second years to quite because he felt that him and three other seniors were better at the positions, it seems the second years were school board members sons. And my husband did not6 like politics giving special consideration. Then when he came back from the army three years later how he went straight to the transmission plant in a UAW job as well as serving in the Guard and how he used information received on duty to leave the week before his seniority was due to be laid off continuing his time instead of getting it froze. We were married the night before he shipped for his first patrol.
        I only wanted the time for everyone to get used to his return to be two years then politics and society reared its head I nearly was divorced over getting him to not take a vacation in 1987 and not permitting him sex with me. When I came back in 1989 the political and social situation had become very complex. Various people with much less seniority than my husband with family like mothers, fathers, aunts, and uncles in places of social and political prominace, and it seemed everything my husband wanted always stomped on some ones toes. So until 2001 there were some epic arguments about working holidays or taking a vacation. when he wanted or switching to days or midnights on a shift he wanted always leaving me drain and crying about some of the things he said about me being a tramp calling his father my pimp, after I would again refuse sex. Then in November 2001 He decided he was taking a new job at a new plant, It was wanted by a much younger man with 15 years less seniority than my h8usband, he was also the son of a county commissioner slated to run for congress, and the son of his fathers best friend.

        First we tried to just get him to back down, I went to him and promised to normalize our marriage if he just backed down one more time. I even promised the next holiday he wanted off and vacation I would stand at his side when he went instead of the usual group, I was told he wanted me dead. Out of his life, and he was damned if he was going to let me or others dictate another thing to him without resistance. That night four men were very badly beaten on our front porch when they thought my husband could be forced to do their will, Two nearly died in the resulting fight leaving our front porch a blood bath and me scared after the front door exploded in on top of me and him telling me one more time trying to get him hurt he would kill me. He broke his fathers nose when he came over crying what had he done over a job. That was also the night his father and others decided to get my husbands cooperation more drastic measures were needed, They used armed intimidation to force him to work as they saw fit. When MRSA got into his spine he was already not caring if he lived or died as long as he took someone along People got shotguns yanked out of their hands and the butts used on their face He drew down on his father that time loading a round of 00 buck. And things just continued to go from bad to worse. My husband developed MRSA Then this year I again went hat in hand to my husband and tried a compromise about this years vacation trip. I said He had not been on the last ten over three decades and all that would happen was bad feelings if he went. I told him if he would wait until 2018 I would not say a thing about going to Hawaii then.
        I felt there wasn’t a snowball chance about it but offered any way and was flatly turned down with the threat of my funding being removed if I tried what I did at the beginning of 2009 he even threatened prison if I tried to turn his reservation in like I did then. So we were waiting to board for the cruise when his father felt no more defying us was in order and thought bv the threat of a beating with a ball bat would send him back home, None of us went this time and my husband sued the lines over discrimination. left his father in a hotel hallway with a broken neck. And me again cowering and crying in a corner.
        I have not been in any way been certain of a way to get my husband what he wanted without causing friction so I made due with the only thing I could offer as a reward, myself. Eventually it became a habit to say no automatically and I paid for it one night three years ago when he forced me in rage and anger on the living room floor. Threw his fathers best friend face first into the driveway.

    • Eileen December 10, 2015, 6:43 am

      Janice you may want to see your past comments. Looks like your husband logged on and commented on your post as “Janice’s Husband”. Calling you Honeybunch….
      Eileen´s last blog post ..Did the man in the wheelchair need help? I was too wimpy to ask.

  • Becka November 18, 2015, 11:37 pm


    • Becka November 19, 2015, 12:03 am

      My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. I love him with all my heart. I feel he doesn’t value my opinions or thoughts. He may ask me what i think about something but he will always go with whatever he wants. I have asked him time and again why he even bothers asking me because he hardly ever goes with my suggestion. If i try to really talk about him not listening to me, he takes it really hard and says things over the top like “i’m sorry that i am such a horrible father and husband. .” Which is not true then i spend the rest of the time talking about how i don’t feel that way. I find that i will not give my opinions or thoughts on a matter because i know he won’t listen to it anyway. If we argue about it, i always relent after the fact and let him have his way.
      He works out of town now and i don’t want to argue when he is only home every third week. I know that he won’t change. His father was the same. He thought he was right all the time and whatever anyone else thought didn’t matter.
      I feel selfish to even think about separating. I feel that i should suck it up and deal. Which is very odd for me. I have always been a strong person and i value myself. I am not insecure by any means. I’m just frustrated and have no idea what i want to do. .

      • odinseye55 November 19, 2015, 2:24 pm

        Becka: In my marriage it was always please keep the peace in the society, don’t make people angry because I wanted, a holiday off, a vacation in the slot they wanted even if I had the seniority to take that slot, please don’t push your seniority right and take that shift or job, If I just sat back and let myself be pushed around, Not take any of the things that I had earned because my father or one of his many friends would be angry because I wanted the vacation slot at some other time other than the middle of the winter, Then she would say I swear that I will normalize our marriage bed, I will go to bat with your father and his friends and get them off my back about the next thing I wanted if I just would not press my right one more time.
        In 2001 her promise failed, I stopped believing a thing she would say or promise after 20 years of marriage, I knew about the other men my father would set her up to see while I worked my 12 hour shifts, I honestly by November 2001 wanted her my father and her society roasted on a spit dead.
        In that month I stopped cooperating. I took a job that the son of my fathers best friend wanted, I had 15 years seniority on him by that time, She again came to me and said if I just stayed put one more time she promised that she would normalize our marriage even talk to my father and his friends and my coworkers and beg that enough was enough. I had worked every day but six since the day we married in 1981 She would beg them not to get in my face about any thing my seniority earned again. I called her a tramp and liar and told her to please get me out from under the state assigned guardianship by stepping in front of a high speed semi,
        I had never wished any ones death before that day, She told my father and his group that her blackmail failed this time. she had nothing to use any longer to get me to do as they wanted. She also said my mood was one that could be a danger to her and others, My father told her I would see I had to do as I was told or suffer for it. The commissioners son and three others followed me up on my porch that night, Two were direct friends of my fathers, the commissioners son was the one wanting the job and his best friend. They gave me two options, Either go in and remove my name under my own power or get carried in. I offered my option leave or get carted away in a hearse or ambulance. I guess they decided they were going to take my option. All four ended up in critical care that morning. My wife ended up laying under the front door with me standing on it telling her the next time she locked me out to get hurt I would not be so nice, her next date would be with an undertaker as she was put in a hole in the ground. As they laid her and her friends in the ground.
        I ended up with my father and his friends using armed intimidation to gain my cooperation until I went under the knife in October 2009. I ended that night with out feeling from the top of my legs down four inches of my spinal cord crushed in a MRSA infection three years of rehab, three strokes and one open heart surgery for a MRSA leision. I come home to my wife’s latest Boy Friend telling me he was not going to take the guardianship, Thought it would be a great joke on the cripple to sweep his cane and put him on the floor. That was me! It was not the affair that angered me it was the laughter and him asking her how she ended up with such a pathetic husband, I got sat up with my cane and took the rubber tip off and heaved it as hard as I could sitting down. I missed her head but got his, Fractured his scull. He dropped like a stone.
        I got myself over beside him and she tried stopping what I did next and I just swatted her into the corner. When the police arrived, I was sitting beside him screaming who is pathetic now as my fist ploughed into his face, I ended up in a Straight jacket in the cool off room at a stress center that night, When my mother father and wife came to see me and talk to my doctor the next week I was pretty well drugged. My father and wife came out of their talk with the doctor an hour later while my mother tried to get me to make sense. My father and wife came out in a beeline for me and my mother. My wife had been crying and my father came up and started screaming I had no right to tell any one out side the family or his circle of how I had been treated for 42 years. He was yelling he had given me a simple order when I was 16, I was just to keep my mouth shut, do as I was told by everyone and I could not even do those simple things, He was screaming I was just a big baby because I refused to be a man. I should have gracefully accepted I lost and just let everything stand, I spent another night in the cool off room because the wheel chair they were letting me use to walk went through the plate glass doors when I picked it up and threw it at him.
        The next week they were releasing me back home, Because of my wife’s bi polar condition she is to afraid to drive so they called my father, He suggested they shove me out the door to walk the 20 miles home in -40 degree wind chills, said it would build my character. My insurance supplied the ride home When I arrived home my wife was in a new cocktail dress, and I said good it was time I got out someplace other than work, home, rehab, or her appointments.
        She said she had a promise to keep to my father and his best friend about going to a political fund raising diner with them and my mother. I just asked who paid for the outfit she was wearing, the jewelry, basically everything she had on to wear on another mans arm, She got my meaning right off the bat, I was going to be the one she was with that evening come hell or high water not my fathers friend, I did not care what her promise was. She started crying, She said reaching into her purse I will tell you what. Pick a place to meet after the event and we will be there and get all my grievances laid out from the last three decades, and they could figure out what I would be ALLOWED now I was crippled. At that point I had decided they had nothing to say any longer in what I was ALLOWED. Under the roof I had supplied, with the food and cloths I had supplied her for 31 years, the transportation I had supplied, I was the final judge and arbiter of what happened in my household, She had lost her right to say anything, I did not give her the choice about sex that evening, I don’t consider it my finest hour but I was totally tired of being pushed around in my life. I was tired of being used for nothing in return and I know I was in a rage. My fathers friend appeared first. I blockaded the door, told him to leave. He said I work in the mayors office I can enter any place in the county. I said not without a badge or warrant leave and come back with one. He looked at me and told me to get out of the way crip. I saw my fathers car coming into the drive. I thought get rid of two jerks as one picked his friend up and through him at his windshield. I missed landing his friend face first in the drive. My mother got out of the car and said I was home? She scooted past me as my father screamed at me to come help his bleeding friend. I just said I hope he bleeds out. My father took him to ER My wife was in the bedroom in a dressing gown talking to my mother about what rage I was showing, She asked her how could any one that loved her do something like this, My mother asked before the MRSA when was the last sex we had and my wife’s answer was truthful when she said two days before our wedding 31 years before. My mother just about tore her face off, Asked what right did she have to do that? My wife was again truthful when she said it was the only way for decades to gain my cooperation that it was my fathers idea, My mother called me in at that point. Asked me if there was more, I asked her if as the Massas wife she was asking or my mother. She got my point. She asked what had I been denied over the years, I told her besides sex, days off, vacations, holidays, I said you think I wanted to be on duty or at work 256 consecutive holidays. I said was it an indication that I was tired of being pushed in 1987, That the Sandwiches on new years eve 2008 that ruined their evening when I smeared the mustard all over her new cashmir dress Wasn’t that orient express trip were dad slide through the Airport concourse and everyone had to chase me down and beg me to ret6urn her purse and boarding pass after dad took mine and traded it in out of my computer case. My mother said I thought you were bumped off that trip because of a work emergency, I thought that new years eve was because of your fathers friends big mouth. When he said we will make sure your wife was well taken care of that night, It was a poor joke.
        She said I take it you did not want to work all those holidays and vacations, When my father got back from the ER that night my mother came out and told him to get in the car. He saw my wife in her dressing gown with her torn up cocktail dress in hand I told him he was not welcome to leave. He said not before I teach you a lesson in manners, I said if he raised one finger he was going off my porch face first through his windshield this time I would not miss. My mother round housed him and told him the evening was done. He said what did I do, He had to nip any idea that I had rights in the bud, She put her foot to his rear and shoved him off the porch.
        He says because of all my defiance the last two years I have caused my mother to despise him, I have alienated all his and my wife’s friends and now left him crippled just because he wanted me to learn manners twice. He cry’s that I hurt him when he wanted to teach me what I was not invited, meant this years vacation trip. He said your wife offered a good compromise. to allow me to go to Hawaii in 2018. He said but I made a defiance rule where my wife was invited so was I. He said she deserved something besides my defiance for the son she had from my raping her three years ago. He said but I had to come, break his neck, Defy all his friends this time and get everything in an uproar, al because I wanted to have hurt feeling about giving up my life for three decades, He told me that priests do it for there entire life why did I have to have my way. I told him I did not choose the monastic life it was chosen for me and walked out.
        I know there are women on here that will maintain I am some kind of a brute. I should have kept backing off until everyone else had their say, should have allowed my wife to continue having affairs while I provided her life instead of taking my right as a husband three years ago.
        just feel that instead of saving my life after my heart stopped twice in 2009 if they had just let me go instead of keeping me around to abuse some more,
        I am Crippled, but I will not let another person rule my life. Tell me because of my infirmity that I am pathetic, tell me they have the right to decide what I am allowed, I have two things that really get my goat now when the are said, Why don’t I look at the glass half full instead of empty, Or the other one is wait for tomorrow its always there, There are no guarantees it will be for me right now. I guess I let people run roughshod over me for years, I should not expect a vetran of the army and navy should have any consideration in life My three years under water. and two years in the eastern med don’t count for any thing. Except like oliver twist holding out my bowl and asking please sir I want some more gruel. I know that my anger carries me forward, and I hope for an end to pain, I hope that others listen to me about being made to be subservient and the actual cost of bending knee to tyrants.

  • Janice November 18, 2015, 11:45 pm

    Reading Aspergers Syndrome and Long Term Relationshios may help.

  • Arpita Sharma November 20, 2015, 2:14 am

    I’m sorry that you are in such a challenging relationship right now. It must be very frustrating constantly being made to feel you are wrong. One of my past relationships ended because I felt very disrespected by my partner for behaving this way. I’m not sure if this problem is fixable or not, maybe considering couples therapy might be helpful in this situation. You are deserving of respect and love from all of your relationships. I hope you find it in this one.

  • seanna November 22, 2015, 1:50 am

    I posted on this sight a few weeks ago, tonight my son and I were going to watch TV in our room. My husband seemed distraught over that decision even though he was out in the living room doing bills. I ask him calmly, ” do you have a problem with my son? ” (his step and he has NO children) long story short an argument insured about my 19 user old progress in life. I won’t bite you with the details but in essence he doesn’t approve of my raising. My twin sons are great people, are the behind in maturity. …yes. but respectful and thoughtful drug free baby free. A discussion would have been abs should have been fine up and until I went outside and behind me I hear, “Have a nice life” and the door locked. I immediately went to try and open it. Nope. Front door….nope the garage. ..locked! I banged on the door dating not ok and is freezing. He called the freaking police! Opened the door, I went to walk in and he blocked me said if I calmed down he would let me in. I said I don’t want to talk anymore he pushed me back out and the my jacket at me. I proceeded to wait for the police telling them no one was threatened no one hit anyone he’s unreasonable and is not ok to throw your sick wife out in below freezing weather because I don’t agree that I’m not being a supporting mother. Usually, as in my other post I don’t say anything when I want. I hold my tongue sooo much that I often feel beaten down but tonight, I’m sick and tonight is my son who’s being attacked. I want an opinion to validate my thoughts.

    Is it EVER ok to lock someone out if the house in the cold because you don’t agree? Why call the police? To try and get me in trouble? Believe you me last time he did they would have taken him if not for my explaining he had mental disorders! What to go my mother says that’s not love. Maybe. The problem is he can be so loving. But with this type of ma’am we’re all speaking of, cam he really ? Ever? I’m lost. I’m alone, I’m now worried because my son now feels super uncomfortable in a house that is obviously not his and for that matter mine. Where is the solace, three is none. So now the question we all have. …can he change. Does he even want to? And how can someone say they love you if you don’t agree with everything they do our day or believe without destruction of daily life to the point of locking you out of your home and making your children feel like they are living in a time bomb around every corner in the house.

    • Janice November 22, 2015, 3:17 am

      Men like this do not change. What he did to you was cruel, abusive and wrong. He has no right to an opinion on how you raised your kids. You woukd have done a better job than him. You cannot trust this man. You are wise to bite your tongue. What you need is more on your life for yourself. Do not coddle him, not even when he’s in a good mood. His affection is more like dependence, to your detriment.

    • msdisenchanted November 28, 2015, 12:48 pm

      This guy is a bully and doesn’t deserve anything from you. He will push you as far as you let him. Detach from him and start crafting an exit plan. He only promises more agony for you.

  • cheryl hogren November 22, 2015, 11:47 am

    My husband is the same way. What I do is after the argument I will write it down (are “discussion”), date and time included (and maybe signature of a witness who sees what is written before given to Mr always right) I will write what is said on both sides, and then I write what will happen when he is confronted with this. (he will often reverse what each of us has said in order to be right) He did not talk to me for 2 days but it has been 2 years since we have had a huge “Im right your wrong” fight.

  • Rosemary December 1, 2015, 12:25 pm

    Rosemary´s last blog post ..Whew!

  • Jenny December 25, 2015, 11:40 am

    I’m not experienced but I think you could ask him “Do you think you’re always right?” If he says “no”, then just talk logic out of the situation and ask if he think its right from your view point.

    If he says he is always right, then make up another scenerio similar to the one you’re in and ask him what does he think about it on a separate occasion.

    • BGS December 27, 2015, 10:41 pm

      I never thought I was always right, My wife says however that I use logic as a club, That I never used my feelings to consider right after I came home from the Military She says I spent so much time on those big Black Nuclear powered tubes that I started to think like the Computers I worked on She said And my temper has become worse that the Nuclear weapons I targeted, I did not actual target any thing,
      She said I came home harder than the steel I served in She said that the next 16 years just made it worse working In temps of 125 degrees Cutting steel and It was like I became annealed in the heat treats, No emotions, no feeling for any ones needs.
      She doesn’t realize it was not the job that crated what I am now it was the pain off being tied to a tree and whipped when I was seventeen with extension cords by my father and his friends to the Point I required 153 stichs on my back the two years In the heats of the mid east Hiding in holes listening to protect this country. Being under water 956 days over three and a half years, Being so tired from standing my duty for 106 hours straight. Then I got to come home to nothing except being told the only worth I had was to serve my wife, father and their friends, 31 years of no holidays vacations or weekends the rest 12 to sixteen hour days the sixteen were Sundays and holidays to enable the max number of people off. And no sex ever I was locked into the marriage by the State issuing a guardianship. Making a divorce so expensive I could not get one> With her through it all begging me to consider everyone else before myself.
      Even the hardest steel gets weak over time, and it shatters when to much pressure is applied, If I was disposed of properly in 2009. Been allowed to die on the table. The present life my wife is living would not have come to my breaking instead When I broke It was like a tall wave breaking over everything. I truth now I know that I have made so many people mad at me for not being willing to back down now, The doctors say my nuerological situation is now degenerative so I really have no more time.
      So when I hear that I should have just accepted the little I had offered in vacations, from January second to February 14th , When traveling any where is useless. That I should have understood Other people had more need than me on holidays and I should accept that I did so much good with the time I gave up. I would like to displace the persons saying it to the orbit of Pluto.\
      It helps me vent to write it all out.

  • Gem December 27, 2015, 5:06 pm

    My boyfriend thinks I have been on his phone while he went down stairs and made I drink :-/ he said it was 3cm away from where he put it. I keep telling him I ain’t been on his phone which I haven’t and wouldn’t. We have been through a lot over the past two years when we first got together I used to go through it as I didn’t trust him but the past year I haven’t even attempted too look through it. And I don’t want too either. But he reckons he is right and he knows I have been on his phone tonight :-/ I really don’t no what too do am stuck between him and a wall here!!!

  • Cecelia December 28, 2015, 3:18 pm

    It is comforting to see others with the same issues. Helps detour “you are impossible messages” my husband sends verbally and behavioral. I wonder was your husband always this way? Or did he gain power over time meaning is his response conditioned towards the power you graciously gave to him? The same power you give to him give to yourself. Tiny steps over time create one huge step. Look outside of him to help fulfill your needs. Watch what he does~XO

  • Sea December 30, 2015, 11:04 am

    THAT’S IT!!! THE LAST STRAW! I just spent a few minutes reading over comments and my own as well. Why, why, why would we stay and be berated, I have NEVER let anyone talk to me in this manner EVER!

    CHRISTMAS ha! My husband’s financial troubles that he got HIMSELF in before we married and subsequently right after I have NEVER judged. Only helped. So, this Christmas was about family, little bit of gifts. Hardly any for my grown up children meaning 19, 19. And 28. Just made huge effort to have my kids, a maze of travel to get my mom here with us. It was very tiring but went oh so well. Mom and children with us his families gifts food and more good and drink to celebrate AND THEN. …we love in Utah near wendover nv. I told him that I would LIKE to take 1000. Out there for new years maybe try our luck room is free food is free. Well 300. Or if that 1000.00 was used for things that I hadn’t expected that her was to pay but it came from my acct ( no biggie, just made our money to gamble a little less) still 300. A piece for Christmas is probably collectively more than we spent on any one person so, ya. I’m good with that. And I think he should have been as well. We get here and go sit at this quaint little bar we like. He makes this presentation to me that 150.00 in free play is MY present from him. Thx honey. I know money’s tight with you so much you couldn’t even get me a card, (didn’t say that) but sweet nontheless. I day awe I’ll save it, HOPEFULLY (KEYWORD) I won’t have to use it. So long story short, he asks for it back I say it’s in the machine HE FLIPS OUT! he wanted it and us pissed I used it (still have 125. Of it IN HAND. get this in a freaking liar, I’m keniving, my son’s a deadbeat, arguing about utility usage just crazy crap. Them I realize. …..WASN’T it mine for “Christmas”? And even if I was a total jerk and didn’t save it for later.which can’t be cuz it’s in my hand ….YOU JUST ASKED ME FOR IT TO USE, WHAT THE FU..IS THE DIFFERENCE? He had the audacity to say well you said we’d have a thousand, I BEING UP THE FACT I HAD TO PAY WHAT HE WAS TOTALING 300. no reaction but nasty words that will never ever be forgotten. ……that long (probably unintelligible rant) surmise. ……He didn’t get the 500. Only 300 for Christmas. Even though I said hey get 400. I’ll post you back this week (so I held up my deal. Listen to me, deal! It was a fucking present, what happened to happy, thank you, I know you worked hard for this, it’s plenty etc. now I’m laying here wide awake baling my eyes out, not because I’ve figured out that he’s mean and hurtful but because all the great I luv yous, the precious kisses, the your so beautiful are like poison now. Energy time I think I’m happy my joy turns to ash in my mouth and a little more of me dies. I’m not dating I’m perfect. I’m not saying marriage easy. It just shouldn’t hurry THIS BAD, should it?

  • Seanna December 30, 2015, 11:16 am

    Sorry about the bunches of typos at the end, tears and laying next to him trying not to wake him. While I accidently have a uncontrollable boys of crying makes auto text ruler of messages a lot. : / I feel this HUGE ROCK IN MY STOMACH, how can I respect myself so little to let him. The question isn’t is he mean or hateful. Isn’t that he probably luvs me but doesn’t like me. It’s probably not a question that my independence and ability to make more money is immaculating. Those questions any dime store therapist could answer. …..the million dollar question is why do I hate. Disrespect. Loath. In value myself so much I let it happen. THAT’S WHAT I MORN FOR AT THE MOMENT.

    • Cecelia December 30, 2015, 11:39 pm

      This is where I am at also. It is harder for me to swallow that a women like me allowed herself to not love or value her own worth. I said I would never become the woman I am and that is where I am at and afraid to step into who I know I can be without him. What kills the most is I put him on a throne so he could be the man he is today and everyone loves him gives him all the respect. He plays the hero and the victim so well I can never win. I don’t want to win I just want him to take responsibility in this marriage. I’m numb, tired, and lost in fear with a tiny seed of hope. Pathetic

  • Marion January 8, 2016, 9:09 pm

    I am at my wits end.with my spouse its one rule for him and one for me .he says he can talk to me however he likes but if I even slightly raise my’s don’t talk to me like that.I am always wrong ,and if I make a suggestion he gets angry.I find that I have stopped saying anything for fear of his sarcastic remarks.I did once day that I disliked something he did and he went into a rage,however 3 or 4 days later ,he did as I asked.very strange.I have come to the conclusion that he resents the fact that I am a strong he tries to put me down all the time.he is weak and lacks self esteem and definitely has the problem.I suggested councillors,his can go but there is nothing wrong with me.enough said.another control freak.

    • Janice January 20, 2016, 12:26 am

      Yes Marion, I have this same problem. My husband is certainly inadequate (does not act like a mature, responsible adult) and has serious self esteem issues, and a stutter. Personal inadequacy must have something to do with their desperately needing to be always right and always painting us as wrong and blameworthy. Seems they cannot cope with anything else.

      • Imnotalone January 22, 2016, 4:50 pm

        This makes me realize I’m nor alone. I believe self esteem issues is the root of this behavior. After 17 yrs of marriage I devorced him. 4 yes later I wanted to believe the time apart changed both of us. After one year its just like it was when I left yrs ago. He treats me like a child. Disagrees with every word or opinion I have. He constantly asks my opinion about things only to disagree. I’ll ask him why he insists on asking if only to disagree, cause it seems like deliberate mind games. Tells me things then later says he never said it. I believe if I can ever stop letting him beat me mentally down, which feeds his behavior, instead just look him in the eyes. Chuckle and walk away maybe he will stop. Problem is after 20 years it still hurts. Good luck and you are not alone!

  • JJ January 23, 2016, 3:06 pm

    I am in the same boat, my husband falls under ” Imposable person catagory ” He is never wrong but I am most of the time. He fights unfair yells over me, calls me all sorts of horrible names, the worse is he always brings up past things, nothing to do with what is going on in the here and now. After 91/2 yrs he has never said I am sorry, not even 1 time. He doesn’t care that he hurts me and makes me cry. I have not worked in 10 yrs, he doesn’t want me to, we live on the family farm so I keep the place going. He was working 2 on 2 off, I loved my 2 weeks of peace. Well he has been laid off, he was a mud engineer on off shore oil rigs, slow because of the price of oil droping. Now it has been worse. We have a marriage on paper only. He spends most of his time on his computer. He can not small talk, unless it is about work or hunting. We can spend hours in the car and maybe 100 words are spoken, eating out I might as well be eating alone. We have no social life, I have no life, my kids live 2500 miles away.
    No matter what I say he has a come back with a better idea or my thinking is all wrong. He is left and I am right brained and the 2 shall never meet. I told him I am as much a lone when he is home as I am when he is gone. I do everything involving the house in and out, take care of his hunting dog and my 11 horses. The man can ruin everything before it even gets started.
    Last night we had a big blow out because I suggested something, evrytime I make a suggestion he believes in his brain that I am trying to control his life, I am not a controlling person, I have always avoided conflict at all costs, I am not a yeller, well sorta am now to try and reason with him, my god he is like a bulldog when he gets angry, which is at a drop of a hat. He will scream for a time, leave the room or I leave and he fallows me screaming, leaves and returns with more things off subject, leave and returns. Back to not working, I can not leave because I would not be able to get a job that would support me. I spent 20 yrs in education, but at 63 hard to find a good job. I would leave him in a heart beat If I could. I am at the point of hating him, he has eaten away at our relationship bit by bit. I am indifferent towards him now. He has shown no intimentcy for over 8 yrs now, no hugging, cuddling, rare kiss and far and few I love you and I do not acknowledge it when he does or I say yea I can tell you love me. He makes impossible to even like him. I cringe everytime he introduces me as his wife, I want to say his platonic wife, or on paper only. I am angry that he has ruined our marriage. He does not seem to care. No he does not have another woman, he never goes anywhere and does not belong to any social media, he hates them. I get mad at myself for engaging with his rants, because it just puts gas on the flame and he always gets the last word, I try to plug my ears and hum but he just gets louder and madder. He even upset my 4 cats they scatter. I have tried to tell him how he acts but he say he does not do that, he does not care. He even tells me I am nuts when I tell him to roll over your snoring, then he gets mad at me, tells me to wear ear plugs, I can not because it makes the ringing in my ear worse, He refuses to use anything that might help stop the snoring, so I tell him I am going to leave the tv on so I can get to sleep, I have it on low but it helps drown out the sound. He doe not like the light flickering so I say use your eye mask, he won’t. He wants it pitch black in the room. Drapes and all says he can not sleep in the light, but he can fall a sleep in the daytime, hmmmm. That is just the thinking of the “Impossible person ” persona. I have always been a upbeat, happy and attuned in person, I could feel the people around me vibrations, 6th sense I guess, but even that is gone, I am so down and lonely, if my girls knew how he was they would hate him, good for them at 2500 mi bad for me. If it was not for my animals I would be have probable checked out by now. Dr. Says I need to get rid of some stress for my health, I told him I would have to get a divorce. I also told the husband he was going to be the death of me for reals, We have the same Dr. I just wish he would ask me what the stresser is. Well anyway, look up Impossible person and I bet some of you will find that this is what your dealing with also. Oh also being a Cajun does not help matters either, that crazy French blood in them.

  • JJ January 23, 2016, 3:08 pm

    Sorry about misspelled words, iPad has its own mind of words if not watching it.

  • Kayla January 26, 2016, 9:52 am

    This sounds so much like my partner. Everytime I try to talk about something to get it off my chest he interrupts me after the first few sentences and goes off into rants about how I feel and how he understands and tries to make it relate to him or be about him.
    Sometimes I find myself sitting there for so long while he talks all I do is say “yep” or nod. It’s like he pays no attention to what I’m doing, often walks out of rooms turning lights off while I’m doing something in there or asks me to do something he could quite easily do for himself (go get something from our bedroom or go to the shops) when I’m clearly busy (cleaning or cooking or something) and he is clearly not.
    When I point out that I wish he had listened to me when I was trying to tell him something instead of going off on his own tangent – sometimes he will beg me to tell him all about it, and then usually tells me I’m repeating myself.
    I used to get so angry when he’d speak over the top of me that I’d raise my voice- but I learnt quick that yelling is only accompanied with more yelling.
    He doesn’t really think theirs a problem and if I am having a bad day and can’t help but point it out over and over he gets really angry and thinks I’m trying to start problems for no reason.
    I don’t remember him being like this 9 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I think it’s happened over time?
    It like he just thinks his opinion and what he has to say is more important then anything my shitty little existence could say.

    • Janice January 26, 2016, 4:11 pm

      Kayla, you helped me see behaviours of my husband that I’d not seen as part of this always mr right syndrome although he is that too. If I say I want to do or get something it’s like he takes over the whole project. It becomes his project and he starts pressuring me to do what he wants (after all it is I who wants this thing or event haha). So he uses this to take me over. Even with my kids. I left my first husband to be with him, silly me. Ever since you’d think his stepchildren (and our natural child) were more his kids than mine. From the day I moved in with him I lost all say about how to bring up my own children. Any attempt at assertiveness by me was met by threats and violence from him nor did he ever listen to what I wanted. The poor kids were so regimented, and like me , had little choice but to do what he said, without question. I silently resisted for years and won a few small concessions and or his behaviour softened a little over time. Mostly it’s been a nightmare for me. He seems to have no care nor awareness that I am a separate human being with needs of my own and a right to determine my own course in life. He worked 1000 miles away for 14 blessed years. Then he decided to come back and take over running my life where he left off. I’ve suggested nicely that he go back to his other place. He says, between his teeth, I have no intention of living alone, as if I am obliged to be with him, every bleeding second of each day, simply because he wants it..

  • John January 30, 2016, 8:46 am

    I am in a similar situation with my wife. She is an attorney and seems to bring her work home in the form of reading into everything and when I say something it’s wrong. I love her but recently it’s gotten a lot worse. We have children and sometimes she will call me stupid in front of them, which is not ok. But when I say something back it is really you want to do this in front of the children. I feel like all this bs can be fixed easy but I think it is too late. I am not perfect by any means and I know I don’t listen good enough sometimes. I am working on how to remember things better but it is hard. It is hard to deal with an alpha personality when mine is more passive. It has been the darkest two weeks of my life

  • Katie January 31, 2016, 2:34 am

    Calm down my dear. Clear your thoughts and do not have and pre determined thoughts. Once you know you are ready, just go and start a casual talk with him. ( do not try this during a heated up argument/when he is upset). There are so many guys who really don’t understand that they are failing to respect other’s view. Try explaining him what you feel or how it is affecting you. If this does not work, start leaving notes. Write letters to express your thoughts. Trust me this helps a lot. May be he may not come and discuss whats going on but he ll definitely think about what you need. Stay positive.

  • Janice January 31, 2016, 2:58 am

    Katie, I tried your approach many years ago. It did not work for me, badly backfired rather. I caution others against taking this approach. The best way to deal with Mr Always Right is to let what he says float over your head and say as little as possible in response. Reasoning with him does not work. It is an “argument” where he will never let a womn win, so best to leave him to it and focus on looking after oneself.

  • Jenny Oberstein February 2, 2016, 2:27 am

    He is always right. Always his way. When I tell him to do something the right way he will do it wrong and then never say oh, you were right.
    I am not able to state my thoughts because I’m never right and he just does what he decides.
    I can tell him how to do sometime and doesn’t listen to it but someone else says the same thing he will do it.
    He will watch a movie where the man is treating his wife bad and even cries or get upset that he is hurting her but I can be down on my knee crying and begging him to stop hurting me and just get pissed off and say get off your fucken knees and stop your fucking crying. And you just trying to make me sound bad.
    He let a woman come into our home and get in my face yelling and screming at me and I yelled at her to get out of my house over and over again she crossed her arms and said no I’m not leaving. I looked over at my husband who was just sitting there and told him to tell her to get out and he kind of smiles and sits back and says no, I want to hear what she has to say. I just couldn’t believe him and felt so hurt . I ran out of the house yelling to f word get out of my house which my husband doesn’t not like for our neighbors to hear yelling and it was 9 P.M Anyways she takes off and I run back into the house and got my phone and called my sister and was barely able to cry out the pain that my husband just put me though and he come up to the room I was in and so meanly says why are you f word telling your sister our problems so she can think bad of me? He treats me like he hates me. Then tells me he loves me. But never that he is sorry or to please forgive him. Next day he doesn’t talk or says more mean things. Like ,so are you going to tell everyone that I’m a bad guy now?
    He has cheated on me so many times and every time he dinied it and put me down, A couple of times I threw the prove of his cheating and cried so bad then left the house not answering any of his many, many , calls
    . He finally said he did cheat and that it was over and he would never do it again and never talk to her ever. 4 months later he contacted her through face book giving me some really dumb reason he why he did. . He has broken so many promises .
    He of course he went on to many other another women which I recorded his talks to one of them. He was always putting me down. so many hurtful things he has put me thought yet I’m still here with him. Now to old and body going through so many pain medical stuff that there’s no way or no where I could go and support myself. I’m domed forever. Sorry about all the bad spelling. I’ve never been good a anything but taking and allowing bad stuff to happen to me. I never did or do anything to stop all the hurt . . I don’t do anything to hurt anyone or say bad things about anyone. I wouldn’t want any one else to feel the hurt and pain that I have.

  • PC February 5, 2016, 7:42 am

    I think you’re right to take a vacation. If it was me, I’d do it once a quarter, maybe more.

    Many of the comments on this page are not kind or positive. That can be very draining for the reader.

    Kindness and humility are critical and contagious for successful relationships and a great marriage.

    So is repenting (turning away from sins that are mentioned in the Bible), and having a close relationship with Jesus.

  • Rae February 8, 2016, 10:42 am

    In order for things to change….you must change your script and your reaction to him. He is set on his reaction and knows your script already! He controls and owns your script!! So of course, things will remain just how they are, he is not gonna change his script and reaction…you must change yours in order for things to change. I repeat, you must change YOUR script and your reaction to him. He is set on his reaction and knows your script already! So of course, things will remain just how they are presently, unless, UNLESS, you change how you react! Believe me, I have dealt with this type of man for years, I am married to this. Thank God, I recognized pretty early on in our marriage that something is not quite right about him, his behavior, his reactions, his expectations. At first, I tried to be the pleaser, but got walked all over and verbally abused.
    **My help came, in reading a book called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. I noticed there was her phone number on her website. (She has written other books too, been on shows like Oprah.) So I called her. I was surprised when she answered. I spoke to her for quite a while and arranged a phone counseling session with her. She gave me homework. I decided to try her suggestions, which were so different from my old script which was to be so caring and not rock the boat!
    ***So one day I responded to my husband in the way Patricia Evans suggested “matter of a fact responses and firm reactions”…he was in the middle of packing up to leave and divorce me (for yet another time!!) This was a familiar situation…he would get mad because I didn’t agree with him, he would threaten divorce and start packing, I would try to stop him from leaving which usually meant giving into to him, and all settled down again until the next time he was upset and it always resulted in a similar “conversation” and reaction. ***This time I did NOT say the same old thing and give in and I did NOT agree wit him!! I will say, this was so not in my characrer to react this way, but I took a leap of faith and went with her suggestion. I simply stated, “I am sorry you are making such a bad decision to leave all the good things you have here, but that is your choice and I can’t stop you.” Then I went back to doing my own thing. He kept packing, but seemed agitated in his thoughts. Then he stopped and said, “so you aren’t gonna even try to stop me?” “Shows how much you care!” (sarcastically)
    And I responded calmly and clearly to him, “What did you say? Try to stop you, no, you make your decisions, I won’t try to stop you. I think it is a poor decision, but you will have to deal with the consequences of your decisions.”
    And he walked out the door…I thought, hmmm? I guess that didn’t work, however, I was scared and sad , but happy too, I had taken a brave and calm stand and I was no longer allowing him to control our conversations which resulted in the same old verbally abusive “dance”. Strangely, even if he was leaving, I felt good about what I said!! I just sat there for a minute…sad, but happy and proud all at the same time and said a prayer of thanks! I didn’t even go to check to see if he left, I just felt good that things were different in a good way, I took a calm and firm stand (not silent, emotional or tearful!!)
    About 5 minutes or more had past and I heard the door…he came back and said, “You’re right, leaving is a stupid thing…look at all I have.”
    Anyways, things aren’t perfect, but there have been huge changes! Me changing my reaction, gave him no option but to change his reaction! I still have to make firm, calm, and clear (not mean or emotional)reponses and reactions and it feels soooo good!! He has changed and there is much less drama. In order for things to change….you must change your script! My husband sometimes tries to pull me into this “old dance”, but I stick to being direct, calm, and firm in my responses (not quiet)! He does realize how he is, sometimes he has to stop and think about it for a while…then he apologizes!!
    Again, not perfect, but huge changes! I have always loved who I am and knew I didn’t deserve his crap, I was just not sure how to respond!!
    I strongly urge you to call Patricia Evans for advice or at least read her books. However, in talking to her, she actually gave me the words to say and how to react to for what he was saying and doing. She is also in YouTube. Best to you! Prayers for change!

    • Janice February 12, 2016, 5:04 pm

      Thanks Rae. I am reading the book, Verbally Abusive Relationships. I’m finding it gripping. Wish I’d known of it before.


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge