Yesterday’s post about a celibate marriage sparked a lively and wonderful discussion. I’d love to continue that energy because I feel we can all learn from one another. Although I am not a 100 percent convert to the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus camp (not even a 50 percent convert), I do believe that men and women are different, and those differences both attract and repel us from one another. Those differences can, at times, prevent us from digging deeper and getting to know one another better, too.
With that in mind, I’d like to start a discussion about turn ons and turn offs. I’m not talking about specific incidents here, such as body odor or bad breath. I’m talking about the kinds of turn offs that cause you to lose your attraction to your spouse in an ongoing and painfully long way. I’ll start.
Turn Offs
For me, all of the turn offs have a theme. They cause me to fear being vulnerable, and when I fear being vulnerable, I don’t like being naked. In order to feel sexy, I need to feel safe.
* Talking down to me
* Not listening to my problems
* Making fun of my weaknesses
* Refusing to consider my view point
Turn Ons
For me, turn ons are about feeling adored, about the instinct to nurture or about feeling like a woman.
* Him being the strong guy who makes sure there are no serial killers hiding in the closet
* Him trusting me to listen as he tells me about a problem
* Him complimenting me, smiling when he sees me, and giving me a shoulder rub when he knows I’m sad or stressed
* Me being irrational and him just being supportive without telling me that I am being irrational
* Him taking an interest in my writing
What about you? What keeps you attracted to your spouse? What repels you? There are no wrong answers here. Again, be kind. Be open minded. We’re all here to learn from one another.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Another great post. I have so much enjoyed discovering this site. Great thing is you get so many different viewpoints. That is so helpful as everybody has a different personality & what works for one may not apply to another. I guess some like chocolate & some like strawberry
. As for turn offs & turn ons & this is from a male perspective.
Turn Offs:
1) Nagging. We had plenty of that from Mom & don’t want to have sex with our mother
2) Our wife’s participating in man bashing-gripe sessions with their female friends. It is demening, degrading & shows a total lack of respect for your spouse. This applies to men doing same with their male friends. Also ladies if you do that with your friends it is the fastest way to unknowingly say to them that he is fair game & available. I know that sounds strange but I am speaking from experience. In my first marriage my wife would discuss any problems with her friends & on 2 occassions they tried to persue me, thinking I must be unhappy & a willing partner. No I didn’t do it lol! Even if their are problems they are a private personal matters between & husband & wife. I see men & women do this one a LOT. I turn away from it for 2 reasons. 1) I really don’t need to know the intimate details of someones personal life & 2) I find it totally disrespectful to the person you say you love.
TURN ONS
. No need elaberating. You get the picture. Or you can take pictures, post them on the net a make a fortune ha! That was a joke. In real life probably not a good idea. You could tramatize your kids for life if they saw it lol ;_0
Now this applies before my wife became ill but here goes:
1) having my beloved surprise me by whispering something sexy in my ear. Okay so sexy is a light word. Sometimes it was downright randy about the things she wanted to do with various parts of my body
2) Made to feel valuable & needed as a husband. This can be done with simple thank you’s, atta boy’s & pats on the back. Maybe let him open a ketchup jar even if you can. It say’s…. you big hunk of man rescued me again
Anyway those are a couple from me. I look forward to seeing more from others.
You rock Alisa
Opps forgot to click notify me of responses so having to do that..
Alisa; I have absolutely thanked my lucky stars for finding this website. It speaks to me on so many levels and I actually feel not so alone knowing there are others out there with the same issues as I do.
That being said:
Turn Offs:
1) Looking like something the cat dragged in. I don’t mind the lazy Saturday look sometimes but I think it is presumptious to not care about how you look to me, showered, shaved, etc. just because we are married and I’m a captive audience so to speak. When we dated you gave me your best, I think our spouse is the person who always deserves our best.
2) Walking through the door at the end of the day and being hit with the stony silence or bitch session. For God sake I just got home.
Serious Turn On’s :
1) A soft kiss that brings out a sigh in you. It means I hit the mark.
2) Reaching for me in the night because you need that contact.
3) Coming up behind me while I fold laundry or do dishes and slipping your hands someplace unappropriate(?) but then again I am empty nesting I suppose anyplace is appropriate now.
4) Sending me a text message in the middle of the day explaining rather graphically what you want to do when you see me next.
Joanne–So happy to hear you are enjoying the site! That means a lot to me. I love your #3 turn on. I might suggest that one to my husband.
Drummer Guy–I’m also very happy to hear that you are enjoying the site as well!
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
this is a very good post, I look forward to reading everyone’s posts. and after i post here i plan to go back and read yesterday’s post.
turn on’s:
-being able to have time to decompress and switch from momma mode into lover mode.
- back rubs
- love notes
turn off’s:
- listening to an hour long bitch fest about how terrible the day was… again…
- being told it is my DUTY or RESPONSIBILITY to give sexual pleasure to my mate.
- arguing over the ‘verbage’ (ie – I need you = help me)
- empty promises
Turn Offs
1. Laziness. Just as Drummer Guy doesn’t want to be nagged, I don’t want to parent. Laziness makes me feel like he doesn’t feel he needs to be an equal partner.
2. His friends. #1 applied more to my first marriage, but #2 is something I deal with now, too. Gary’s friends are nothing like him, but they stem from a common hobby. They’re a bunch of teenage boys in grown men’s bodies and after I spend any time around them, I feel.. sullied. I don’t respect them, I don’t feel like they respect our relationship and it makes me wonder how on earth my wonderful man could find anything redeeming in them. I very seriously considered breaking up with him back when we were dating because I couldn’t reconcile myself with his choice in calibre of friends.
Turn Ons
1. His strength. Gary’s a 6’2″, 250 lb former Marine beefcake of beefcakey goodness and I love feeling safe with him. I didn’t have that before, but now I feel safe enough to be vulnerable and that has taken me all kinds of wonderful places.
2. Having my hair brushed. Oh scalp, how do I love thee. Having my scalp massaged or my hair pet/brushed makes me all soft and warm, glowy and grateful. It’s a treat I try not to overindulge in and it was amusing to teach Gary how to brush hair, but now he’s great at it and I could purr.
.-= Newlywed & Unemployed´s last blog ..Evolution of a Bathroom =-.
Alisa, I’m with you on the turn offs. I feel like a child if any of those turn offs you listed happen – and I was not sexual as a child.
Turn ons – when he listens to whatever is currently upsetting me or talks with me about what’s upsetting me.
I’m too tired tonight to come up with any more turn ons. I’m sure there are a few, but I can’t think right now.
I’m interested in your comments about Mars and Venus stereotypes. I’ve commented similarly on my blog. Mars/Venus isn’t specific enough about individual differences. My wife is very feminine and I am very masculine. Yet, she has more Mars characteristics and I have more Venus characteristics. I don’t think we’re an anomaly.
Good question! And I appreciate the honesty of all your readers so far (wondering if I should be answering this anonymously) and of your post Alisa.
Turn on’s:
Doing the dishes and cleaning the house (I swear I totally believe in choreplay. Having a clean house–our house is rarely clean–is like a guarantee for sex);
Being freshly shaved (this has obvious benefits besides aesthetics, tee hee);
Being kind and supportive and (like you said) not trying to analyze my irrational emotions; candlelight;
Sade or other sexy music;
Reading poetry to me (except these days with a small baby I’m so tired that puts me to sleep)
Turn off’s:
Flatulence (somehow when the bedroom is smelly it doesn’t put one in the mood);
Not being communicative.
Interestingly I love the way my husband smells so showering is so not a prerequisite!
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Gold Beach is Rich with a Jet Boat Load of Natural Treasures =-.
Alisa, I think this goes back to your post about what our spouse does that we appreciate. Those little things that make us feel good also tend to turn us on. And those things that make us feel unappreciated turn us off. So far, that’s been a trend in all of the posts (including yours). That said:
Turn Ons:
When he suggests a date. We’ve been together for 6 years, but it’s still really nice to be asked to something–invited–rather than to have it assumed I’ll be present.
Cooking together. Whenever we cook together we touch each other a lot, and that makes me happy. My guy isn’t big on the PDA or a touchy-feely, but in the kitchen it just kind of happens.
When its raining he drops me off at the door of the movie theater/grocery store/where ever.
When he hints that he wants me, even in completely inappropriate situations (like on the way to walmart).
When he picks me up. He’s a competitive strongman (type of weight lifter) and can easily lift my weight. If we have to walk across mud or a puddle, he’ll just pick me up. It makes me feel feminine and reminds me that he is strong and capable and it makes me feel taken care of.
When he knows what’s wrong before I tell him; he knows me really well and when he knows he’s done something that’s not wrong, but that makes me feel small (like when he’s upset and turns to someone other than me to talk it out) and apologizes for it before I mention it.
Turn Offs:
Burping, farting, and other gross bodily noises without an apology. I know it happens–but say excuse me!
When he fails to introduce me to people–even on accident. About half the time it’s because he’s bad with names and doesn’t remember the name of the person that came up and said hi, but sometimes he’ll fail to introduce me to someone he’s talking to because “that person is unimportant” – sorry but that doesn’t matter. I felt excluded.
When he makes decisions without consulting me. Especially when the plans are supposed to include or exclude me or are a deviation from the last set plan we talked about.
When he is impatient with me and I need to talk about something.
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..It’s the Little Things =-.
@ Newly wed & Unemployed. ME TOO!
Turn ons
1. I LOVE my hair being brushed.
2. When he says I love you to me without me saying it first.
3. Kissing me oh so softly and long on the lips
4. When he says ” Don’t cover your ears they’re so sexy” Or “You are sexy WITHOUT nail polish”
5. the fact that he can read my mind
6. when he goes totally extravagant and buys me something I desperately want and says, “Nothing’s too good for my baby” I just melt
7. putting both hands on my face and drawing me in for a kiss
The rest is pretty x-rated. We have a variety of things we do and say for each other that can be pretty mundane or very risque.
Turn offs.
There is nothing he does that turns me off and since he is my partner for life, as far as I’m concerned, I couldn’t think of anything he does that turns me off
I remember reading somewhere that if you kiss your partner for 10 seconds first thing in the morning before “heading off to our prospective days” your brain will keep that person on your mind all day.
So every day before he goes to work, whether we have company or I drop him off at work, we kiss for 10 seconds. He does it different every day and leaves me dizzy.
Turn offs
1. When he is stressed, clamming up and not saying boo to me.
2.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
Turn ons:
Feeling loved and appreciated.
Feeling like he wants to spend time with me.
Turn offs:
Him yelling at the kids.
Feeling like he would rather be with any one but me.
Not listening when I talk.
Not taking an interest in anything I’m doing or feeling.
I do have to tell you I enjoy . . .Look forward to every email I receive from your site. It really makes me think and evaluate myself!
Turn On
When he actually shows emotion/excitement towards a situation (in a positive way) This is a very rare occasion.
When he takes true interest in what I am involved in.
When he smiles
Turn Off
When he is consistently yelling/barking at the dogs
When he is negative to the kids (he can be pretty military harsh or kids are in their late teens but it cuts off their communication with him and I see them disconnect from him in their eyes)
And the biggest turn off: his lack of emotion. He grew up in a very emotionless home and I grew up in the opposite so it can be difficult.
Great responses. I really enjoyed reading them. Especially seeing some of the turn ons that I can apply towards my beloved. Just because her illness precludes sex it doesn’t mean that we should stop wooing each other. I never knew brushing the hair can be a turn on. I will have to try that one. I would have thought some of the turn offs would just be common sense but am amazed that some don’t get it. Especially showering, shaving etc. I guess I am a neat freak in that regard. I have also always been an impecable dresser. Getting married shouldn’t make me feel so comfortable that I ever stop doing the things that attracted my beloved to me in the first place. I see a lot of that one from both sides. Even though my beloved is very ill & has every right to stay in P J’s, sweats. etc.. she still makes an effort from time to time of dressing nice just to impress me. I have never asked her to, she just does it. I so much appreciate that. Makes me feel like she still wants to impress me & I feel valued as a husband. No greater turn on than that
GREAT stuff people
Maureen you are right about the kissing. Our marriage counselor told my husband for his “homework’ he had to remember to kiss me goodbye, kiss hello and kiss goodnight and wow what a difference. Although his kisses are like potato chips. One leads to another, suddenly you need some dip, then something to wash it down, then you realize you’re really hungry and go for the full course meal. So we have a hard time kissing and running.
Another turn on:
morning wood
Joanne–LOVED the potato chip reference.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
Alisa. How does one submit a question in the questions section of this website? I have a couple that some may find helpful? Thanks Girl & keep on rocking
Oh, just email it directly to me: alisa@projecthappilyeverafter.com
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
Turn ons
- when he gets really excited for something (because usually he doesn’t show his excitment for things)
- when he helps me through something difficult that I’m scared to do
- a big bear hug initiated by him
Turn offs
- him talking down to me when he thinks that whatever I’m doing isn’t being done right, or wants me to do something
- being distracted/changing the subject when I’m trying to talk to him about something I feel is important.
Thanks Alisa. Question sent
Turn Offs -
- anytime he is non-supportive of me in any way
- talking down to me
- telling me rather than asking me to do something (for example, making a phone call)
- talking “at” me
- treating me though I’m unworthy
- having a bad day, or sometimes just being in a foul mood, & (unintentionally) taking it out on me & the kids
Turn Ons -
- brushing my hair (he started doing this when we first were dating – WOW !)
- coming up behind me, at anytime – kitchen, laundry, living room, bedroom
- sending me cute or racy text messages throughout the day
- cuddling with me just because he wants to hold me
- as I walk by, pulling me onto his lap just to say I love you or to sneak a kiss
- catching my attention (he’ll usually “pssst” to catch it, lol) and when I respond, telling me I love you or just winking or even blowing me a kiss
One of our biggest issues (over-all, and that meant the bedroom, too) was a lack of communication. It’s extremely difficult to know what turns someone on or off if you don’t somehow communicate that to one another.
I’ve noticed that since I have been focusing on his every reaction to anything we do (for example, blowing softly just behind an ear) and using those reactions, I have found more ways to arouse and pleasure him. He’s not much of a talker, so getting him to tell me what he does(n’t) like is worse than pulling teeth ! (I must say he has gotten much better over the years, but it’s still no easy task.) So my paying attention and focusing has really helped.
While he won’t tell me what he likes, he’ll ask what I like, so I can tell him and he’ll “make use” of that knowledge. I also tell him my dislikes – as nicely as possible – and for the most part (nothing’s ever perfect) things work out.
Also, I read somewhere, years ago, that your lover usually does to you what s/he would like done to them. So, as an example, if she nibbles gently at his neck, chances are she’d like him to do that to her. Following that, I paid attention to things my husband did to me and starting doing them back – his reactions were amazing !
Great ideas from everyone !
^^^^^^^^^^
Is taking notes
Wow, I am a smattering of everyone here. Thank you all for sharing. I haven’t pondered this type of question in YEARS, so it took me a few days. Here goes.
Turn Offs:
1. Flatulence in front of me, or picking your nose.
2. Taking my anything without asking. (Like my lighter or my popcorn.)
3. When you can’t figure out what is in the fridge even with the door open.
4. When he doesn’t straight out ask for help.
Turn Ons:
1. When he laughs with me or the kids.
2. When he spontaneously hugs me.
3. When he gives me that look.
4. When he talks during sex.
5. When he listens to me.
6. Recently discovered: a foot rub.
Hmm not sure I have any turn-offs. I guess normally most of my turn-off’s relate to me not to him. For example,
1. When I have totally pigged out on Mexican food!
2. When I’m not feeling attractive due to period bloating.
…I can see a pattern in my turn-offs!
Turn-on’s:
1. When I’m just expecting a normal kiss and suddenly its passionate and totally hot with tongue and all!
2. When we’ve both been sweating! (Outdoors, gym, etc. I love to taste sweat on my man!)
3. Back-rubs and massages for sure!
4. Anything that makes me feel secure. Cuddling, spooning, etc.
5. Emotional intimacy.
To Robert: You and your wife are not an anomaly. I fit the male stereotype and my husband fits the female stereo type in many ways, but just like you two, I’m completely feminine and he is completely masculine.
I read these responses and many made me weepy… I’m almost at the end of a divorce after 23 years of marriage. I filed. While I was not perfect by any means? I KNOW, and he’ll admit, I was always the one to try harder to keep it good and alive. I became resentful and weary of being the largest contributer. Had he only done some of the “turn ons” that some women mentioned. I loved having my hair brushed….my gay hair dresser did it really nicely when he’d do my hair.
I remember one time a long time ago the ex approached and gave me a really great, long, hard, kiss. I remember telling him after I caught my breath? “if you did that once a day I’d follow you anywhere”.
I tried all the crap, leaving little love notes. Praising him when he did things like give me a good kiss. I gave him a hand made coupon book one time for risque things. He never used it, ever.
The sex life was dead for years.
Then I got angry and resentful.
We tried counseling.
Nothing helped long term. He was much more committed to being a great son, father, brother and employee than a husband.
Now I’m gone. Now’s he’s contrite and begs almost every day for me to come back. I know him TOO WELL.
It would not change. I’m happy for everyone of you that has a great relationship.
I don’t think it’s ever in the cards for me.
body odor is nasty that is why i always take a bath twice a day.:’*
Teresa, I am sorry your ex doesn’t follow words with actions. People can change, but change begins with adjusting behavior, and if he isn’t willing to do that you are probably spot on about his tune. I hope someday you can move to a space where you believe a great relationship is in the cards for you.
Turn offs:
— I cannot STAND being treated like a child. Any raising of the voice, mandates rather than requests, or matter of fact advising sends me into a regression faster than imaginable. My husband is hardly desirable after that.
— I do not like it when my husband uses slang in the middle of a conversation. It’s one thing to have a casual conversation where we joke and josh. It is a different thing altogether when we are talking and all of a sudden he says “Holla atcha boy!” this and “What’s crackalackin’?” that. It drives me nuts!
— I get so ticked off when my husband is inattentive when I am talking to him. This has improved vastly over the past couple of years, but he used to be really bad about attempting to divide his attention only to end up giving more attention to… well, not me. It was really agitating.
— I get upset when my husband doesn’t communicate with me. It seems many of us share that qualm.
Turn ons:
— I LOVE it when my husband drops hints about wanting to have phone sex. We are very into role playing and he will often mention a character when he is aroused to let me know he wants to play.
— Telling me I’m beautiful. I’m pretty vain and assure myself often that I look good, but that doesn’t negate my desire to hear in from my husband.
— Telling me I’m smart. I love academics and I consider myself to be a very intelligent woman. I like to hear from my husband he believes the same about me.
— Telling me he is proud of me. My husband knows I can sometimes feel very insecure about my achievements/ability to achieve. He is really good about celebrating my accomplishments and ensuring me I can do what I set my mind to do.
I worth the extraordinary record you share in your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and bear my readers peruse here often.
I really enjoyed reading what everyone had to say about turn on’s and turn off’s. I have been single for about 4 years now and from reading about everything on here it reminded me of all the things I did for my ex of 4 years. I always cooked for her, I knew her menstral cycle better than she did. Like which ovary would fire, if it was going to be a good or bad month before aunt flow came to visit. The little note I always left around for her. I also did her nails and hair for years, perms, high lights, color touch ups, brushed her hair all the time and braded it too. Kisses, cuddling, going shopping, walks, kisses on the cheak, sexual intelligents, communication, respect, romance, was always their for her. Back and feet rubs, spontaneously hugs, goodbye- hello and goodnight kisses. Showering with my girl and washing her back with little kisses on the back of the neck in the shower. Now that I think about it, she was spoiled rotton. Though after 4 years of dealing with her abusive attitude, violence and she cheated on me with 4 duchebags, I walked out of her life for ever…
The hard thing is that I miss doing all the awesome thing for and with my girl, but not with my ex. I miss the showing of affection and romance, respect, passion, commitment, communication, intent and intersts, cuddling and kisses, walks, etc… I miss the all the giving to a speical woman in my life…
My ex was my first and last relationship, ill be 28 at the end of this year 2011.