The next time you find yourself embroiled in an argument with your spouse, consider the following questions.
- There are two sides to every story. I know my side. What’s his?
- I loved my spouse before this argument. Doesn’t it stand to reason that I loved him for a good reason back then, one that is still valid in this very moment? Isn’t he still loveable now?
- If anger is like a cloud that blocks me from seeing clearly, shouldn’t I wait until the cloud parts before I open my mouth again? What will I do to stop this storm in my mind? How will I wait this out?
- All humans struggle with temptation, weakness, anger, envy, and other negative qualities. I know what my spouse’s negative qualities are. What are mine?
- I know how I am suffering. Do I know how my spouse is suffering?
- Who do I look up to? Who are the naturally peaceful people in my life? Would these people behave as I am behaving right now? Would my role model say what I am saying right now?
- I know what hasn’t worked for me in the past. Am I about to repeat a pattern that I already know doesn’t work? How can I break this pattern?
- Let’s say I give in and give my spouse what he wants. Let’s say I give in and apologize first. Let’s say I give in and make peace. What’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s the best?
- Could my spouse be a spiritual being (God, the Holy Ghost, Buddha) sent here to teach me a spiritual lesson that I am obviously not getting? Could this be possible? If so, what’s the lesson? What can I learn from this?
THANK YOU to everyone who voted for ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for best marriage blog. It made the list for the third year in a row!
I’ve awarded prizes for commenting on the last two posts. Kathy got the Suits book and Sunshine got the CD. For this post, one person who comments (remember to click through to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com to leave a comment) will get a copy of Joel Salatin’s Folks This Ain’t Normal. When you comment, tell me what you usually think about during a marital argument and whether it’s working for you.
Related posts:
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a fantastic post, Alisa, with wonderful pointers for a peaceful marriage. When my little sister was getting married four years ago, my husband and I put together a journal for them with the Top 25 things we do for a peaceful marriage. What a blessing a list like this one can be.
Fawn´s last [type] ..This Club Just Keeps Growing
You have a lot of good ideas…lots to think about. I have always lived by my grandmothers advice… Don’t let the sun go down on your anger… Thanks!
Kathleen´s last [type] ..As I Gaze Out My Window
I already have the book, so don’t enter me in the contest, but wanted to say that I rarely argue with my husband, so I cannot answer your questions. This was not the case with my ex. Your suggestions would have come in handy back then.
Alexandra´s last [type] ..String Quartet to Perform in Wellfleet
I think my husband is a creature of higher power haha. I’ve definitely learned how NOT to argue by listening to him argue and throw the divorce card out everytime we argue…really?!?! So..yes..I wait until the anger clouds move out before opening my mouth. Thanks so much for the post and your book!!
We rarely argue-we fight! There is no place for thoughts, I have to do my best to defend myself- and saying I am sorry do not help- it just fuels his anger and frustration.
Marié´s last [type] ..An 8 day Course
I’m still working on the “listening” part rather than focusing on what I’m going to say next. This is a great post and a great reminder to put myself in my husband’s shoes for a moment and consider where he’s coming from – instead of what my next move is going to be. I have to say – we are happier than we’ve ever been (nearly 13 years married) and it’s thanks in large part to your words. Thank you!
Great advice. We always can see our partner’s flaws but have a tougher time seeing our own. Relationships are reciprocal–we respond to our partner’s actions and they respond to ours. Changing one of those reactions can change the entire dynamic. No one can fight/argue by themselves. They have to have a willing partner.
Lesli Doares´s last [type] ..How to Find Reasons to Stay Married: A Fearless Marriage Quote
Marriage is a way of celebrating your love for one another, you may both have your differences but you don’t actually mean what you say to each other. There just words what you say to each other obviously you don’t actually mean it. you both respond to your partners actions. Changing one of those reactions can change the entire dynamic, you fight, you argue, you say awful things to one and other although if you do mean it then obviously you need to either work on your relationship because there’s / sounds like there is no trust at all
Helpful food for thought, thank you. Even after being married for 30 (!) years, it’s still good to be reminded.
Sheryl´s last [type] ..Stop the Holiday Madness: Top Spa Experts Weigh In on Staying Healthy During Holiday Season
I like #9. Personally I believe that our spouse is what God sees we need. Beyond what we even know what we need both the positive and the things about them that drive us absolutely crazy are God sent and make us better.
Edward´s last [type] ..A Husband That Prays
And the winner is… Kathleen. I will be in touch to find out where to mail the book. Congrats!