AKA
The Karma Project
I almost didn’t tell you this story. I don’t know why. I guess I thought it was too boring. I also thought most of my Karma stories seem to have the same plot, that things were getting repetitive, and that some of you probably see the word “karma,” yawn and stop reading.
But then I recounted the tale to my friend Deb. Toward the end of the story, I noticed her touching her eyes.
“Oh my God, that was so sweet. I think I’m going to cry,” she said.
Her reaction made me want to tell you the story. So I am. Before I do, however, please know that I am not telling you this story because I want to coerce you into telling me that I am a good person. If I were a good person, I would have found a way to buy the groceries, wouldn’t I? But I’m getting ahead of the story.
At any rate, I’m telling this story because I’d like to start a discussion—a discussion about the meaning of giving. Let’s get on with it.
Life In The Slow Line
I pulled my cart into what seemed like the shortest line at the grocery store checkout. Soon, though, I heard the cashier telling a woman that her card didn’t cover all of the costs of the groceries. “Dang it,” I thought. “How do I always pick THIS line of all lines? How?”
I switched to the next line.
Still I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation going on one cash register over. It turned out that the woman was paying with a gift card. She’d accidentally gone over the gift card amount by $11.50. To get the woman back in the black, the cashier was trying to void a very large piece of meat, but her register was giving her issues.
Loudly and with a sound of irritation in her voice, the cashier asked another cashier–the very cashier who was now checking me out—for help.
At first I was irritated. After all, I’d switched lines just so I could avoid being held up, you know? But it all went on long enough for me to ponder the desperation of the poor woman who was trying to buy the groceries. She obviously didn’t have a lot of money. Someone else in her life had given her a loaded gift card to help her out.
Two very long lines were forming behind both registers. I could hear people sighing loudly. I noticed some of them tapping their feet. Others were shifting their posture. Still others were using their eyes to bore holes into both cashiers and the poor woman who didn’t have enough money.
I began to empathize. I could feel the humiliation of the poor woman who was short the $11.50. She kept apologizing softly. It was almost as if she was apologizing to the whole store. It looked as if she would have turned herself invisible if she could have.
I pulled a $20 from my purse, handed it to the cashier who was having the voiding issues and said, “Here, I’ll cover whatever she’s short.”
The cashier looked at me with dagger eyes and hissed, “No, THAT’s not necessary.”
I hesitated out of surprise. Then I said, “No really, I want to pay for her. I really do. Please. Take it.”
“No, I’ll get this voided,” she said. Then she turned away.
I held my arm out toward her for a few more seconds, the $20 hanging limply in my hand. I waited for her to change her mind, to see that it would make her day a lot easier if she just took my money.
She was now pretending that I wasn’t there, though. I could clearly see that she was going to win this one.
I looked at the poor woman who was short the $11.50. I mouthed, “I’m sorry” as I raised my shoulders. She mouthed “thank you” and smiled. We shared a tender moment. I can’t describe it.
And right about then the mean cashier voided the big piece of meat and all was done.
Except it wasn’t.
I turned to my register. The young kid who was bagging my groceries whispered, “It was very generous what you did.” My cashier said, “Yes, it was. It really was.”
Then the woman behind me in line whispered it, too.
It was a silent protest of sorts.
I sighed and I thought, “It would have been even more generous if I’d actually done it.”
And then I said to no one in particular, “You know, everyone’s day would have gone a lot more smoothly if she had just allowed me to pay. The lines would all be shorter. Less people would have waited to check out. They’d all be in better moods….” And then I trailed off because I didn’t even know why I was saying what I was saying. Was I trying to piss off the mean cashier even more? She didn’t need my help in that department.
On the way home I blurted out of the blue, “I should have given the money directly to the woman. Why didn’t I give the money to the woman? What’s wrong with me?”
My daughter asked, “What woman?”
I said, “The woman who couldn’t pay for her groceries. I should have handed my money to her and not to the cashier. That’s where I went wrong. And even afterward, I should have still given her the money, even though it was too late to buy the stupid meat.”
“Why should you have done that?” she asked.
“To prove to her that there are some people in the world who care,” I said. “It’s easy to go through life with the illusion that people are mean and that they don’t care. It’s easy to think that most people are like the mean cashier. But most people aren’t mean. Most people do care. That’s why it’s so important to show it when you can. And maybe, if you show it enough, even people like the mean cashier realize that everyone deserves generosity every once in a while.”
And that’s when I realized that giving was not about money. It was not about time. And it was not about effort. It was not even about giving people want they said they wanted.
Giving is about love. It’s about saying, “I see you. I know you are there. You are important to me.” It’s about saying, “I care enough to notice your pain.” It’s about letting other people—especially people who are suffering—know that they are not alone, that we’re all in this together.
What do you think? Should I have followed my instincts and not written this post? Are my karma posts all starting to sound the same? What is the meaning of giving?
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Alisa, It would have made sense to give the woman the money directly, but, honestly, it’s not the sort of situation that happens every day, it’s hard to prepare in advance what to do! I can see myself getting caught off guard in an unfamiliar situation, and with the cashier pressuring me to take the money back, putting the cash away.
Who knows, maybe the situation caused people in line to think more about their neighbors who may be in need of help and encouraged them to think about how to assist. We all read these stories every day about people struggling to buy groceries and don’t know what to do about it. This may have been an example to others that we can think of ways to help, right in our neighborhood.
I don’t give money to people on street corners for all the usual reasons (maybe they’re not really poor, maybe they don’t put it to good use, etc. etc. etc). But the other day I gave a few dollars to someone asking for assistance at a stop light because I thought of your karma project. Yes, I really don’t know his situation, but most likely he’s just a guy down on his luck like so many people in this horrible economy and needs a helping hand.
So, keep up the karma stories!
Anne
I think this post is awesome and no, I’m not sick of your karma project. Isn’t that what we all want…to know that someone cares, to be noticed, to be heard, to be loved?
I think what you did was very nice. I like your definition of giving; “I see you, I know you’re there, I feel your pain. You matter.” I think that’s it. If only more of us saw giving that way, as more of a joy and way to understand others, rather than a chore. Great story! Thanks for sharing.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I think that was my favorite part of the post. For those that believe in god I always imagine that that is what he would communicate to us in times of need. It is comforting to know that other people see us and our needs that way too.
Alisa, thanks for this really beautiful story – next time you might know better whom to offer your help, but it is already a great achievement that the woman felt she was not alone and that other people realized that there are more important things than standing in line some minutes longer…
Alisa,
I think this was a wonderful story to tell. Though most of your “Karma” stories have a similar underlying theme, they are each unique in their own way. It helps to illustrate the many different situations we find ourselves in where we can be generous to others. It also serves as an occasional reminder to be in a generous mindset. We are all busy and caught up with our own lives, but it only takes an extra second of thought to realize when we can step out of our normal reactions and make someone else’s life just a bit easier.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing this story. It’s a reminder to be aware of our surroundings and to take every opportunity to help out and to make someone’s day a little brighter.
What you tried to do was very nice of you and I think even the mean cashier will remember your generosity and who knows, if she finds herself in your situation, she might actually help too. I have faith that somewhere deep inside, she was touched too.
I love the Karma stories; don’t stop writing them (and I don’t care if they sound similar).
…
I am wondering what everyone thinks about being independent as a prerequisite to being generous. I have never made enough money to support myself so far in life. I have always tried to be generous, but I am new to marriage and I feel like it’s wrong to give away my husband’s money. (Unless I ask him first, which I have done.) I felt the same way in college when dependent on my parents. I walked by a person begging for food so I bought her a sandwich and it felt good, but I felt bad for giving away money that wasn’t “mine.” Hopefully this conundrum will end soon, as I’m about to finish an MBA, but there aren’t a lot of opportunities in my town and I’m not sure even what I want to do. so, thoughts?
Elizabeth–I can only address part of your question because I’m in the reverse situation financially. I will say, however, that money has been tight the past couple of years for various reasons. So what I do is I have a generosity budget. I keep money in a special pocket of my purse and it’s there to be given away. This way I don’t have to stop and do a mathematical calculation that involves figuring out if I really can or cannot part with the cash. It’s part of my budget, so as long as there is cash there and I haven’t given it all away already, I have money to give. If I’ve emptied the compartment, then I don’t have money to give and I don’t give until I refresh the stash. I do this when I go in the city, too, because there are hundreds of panhandlers and I can’t give to all of them. So I go in with money in one pocket and that’s as much money as I give. I might split it up. I might give it all to one person. Sometimes I go home and the money is still in my pocket. It all depends on the kind of day I have.
The other thing to consider is that money is just one way of giving. There’s also time and expertise and love, all of which are probably more powerful ways of giving anyway. You give every time you listen to a lonely senior citizen tell you about the old days, for instance.
I love your giving budget idea! My husband and I are big into budgeting, but I had not thought of getting cash out just to give away!
Hi, thanks for commenting; I did like your budget idea and it is good to be reminded that generosity can be given in all situations, including non-financial ones. I just thought it was an interesting place to be in. We are financially secure, and don’t do any budgeting. Luckily my husband is smart and good at saving his money, because I imagine I’d just spend it and give it away…
Alisa-
I LOVE…LOVE…LOOOOOVE your karma posts. Please don’t stop writing them! I love the way you think, I love how inspiring they are…I love how sometimes they “work” and sometimes they “don’t”…but they’re always fantastic.
Your posts are so well-written and so inspiring and I love hearing about what you’re doing. Keep up the amazingness!!!
Niloo
We are our brother’s keeper and your story illustrates just the reason why. If we don’t care for each other then what is life worth living for. Someone wrapped up in themselves makes a very small package indeed, my grandma always said to us.
She was right and Alisa, you have a beautiful soul, I’m proud to call you friend.
I like your Karma posts. I think, if I had been in your shoes, I would have asked for the meat and purchased it myself, then given it to the woman. I was in a similar situation this weekend. Our local food and veggie stand closes for the season. Everything is half off. I was leaving, basket full, and a friend/acquaintance approached, but stopped short, and with a look of regret, said, “I’d buy something, but dang, I forgot money.” I pulled out a $20 bill. She said, “Thank goodness for community!” We have lost this instinct to help others out, be they friends or strangers. I’m glad you are writing about such things.
Long time no post from me but this exact thing happened to me last summer. It was a young girl with her child. Again the cashier was rude but I was in line right beside her and I too carry cash for this reason. ( did I learn that from you? Probably). I got close to her and touched her arm, and tucked the $10 in her hand. She almost burst in to tears and it kind of caught me off guard. It was all I could do to get in my car before I started crying. Best thing that happened to me all summer.
I love your Marma stories.
Oops typo. I meant Karma
Your last words made me tear up (maybe I’m pmsing??) but letting others know they are not alone and that were all in this together- totally right on. If only we told ourselves daily to give this hope.
You know, this post prompted me to get back to The Money Study, something I started but left. I’ll tell you why…your gesture proves to me “it” truly is not about the money. If it was, the cashier would have taken the money–right? Wow – I mean, wow! It’s very clear to me. Thanks, Alisa.
I don’t know the answer to your question because I don’t check your blog enough but in my experience a good lesson is worth repeating over and over–I’d say most of us could be reminded to be generous every day and it would not be too much. Thanks for sharing.
This is my first Karma post as I am a fairly new reader and it was touching. I teared up. Definitely keep writing these!
I loved your story, it is so good to remind people to be aware of what others are struggling with. It is so easy to be a position of need and sometimes we forget how good we really have it. I have recently been assisting a women that previously I didn’t like that much, I had to force myself at first but now I am glad I am helping her. Keep up the good work!
What a sweet story. I’m with Deb – tearing up over here.
I have examples of that in my own life that still haunt me. Why didn’t I go the extra mile? Why did I just accept that the giving or helping couldn’t happen because someone else said it couldn’t? Why did I bow to the pressures of society? It’s a good lesson I’ve taken with me on this journey of life. Now I go the extra mile, because I know if I don’t, it’ll haunt me.
And so true that giving isn’t about the money. When we’ve needed help, the money has certainly been a welcome relief, but it’s really more about the feeling of knowing that someone else cares, someone who may not even know you.
Thanks for this Karma story – I’m so glad you posted it.
Please add me to the list of people who love the karma stories and don’t want you to stop telling them! No matter how good my intentions are to keep generosity and lovingkindness in the forefront of my mind, they inevitably get overshadowed by worries, thinking, me-me-me, and, well, just the daily busy-ness of life. I appreciate any reminders that snap me out of that for a minute and refocus my intentions — and your stories are great reminders! I also love that they don’t always have a neat little perfect conclusion; I think that makes them much more thought-provoking.
For what it’s worth, I probably would’ve reacted much like you did (that is, if I even had the thought to pull out the $20 in the first place — I’m pretty generous when I think of it, but a lot of times I just don’t notice what’s happening until it’s too late). It’s hard to make decisions like that in the moment — it’s always so much easier to second-guess yourself later. Whenever I doubt whether I handled something “right,” I try to remember that I believe that everything happens exactly how it’s supposed to, whether I can see why at the time or not. Who knows who learned what from this incident — but your intentions were good, you made an effort, and you added a little notch into the “love” column of life rather than the “fear” column — which means you did exactly what you were supposed to do, I think.
I have actually been in this situation before and maybe its because I’m a bit more forceful than some or have a horrible temper but I would have started telling the woman to get the store manager. I have done that before and its amazing how people stop being rude when they think they will be dealing with someone above them. Store managers typically will deal with the situation quite differently as they know the jobs they have are paid by the people who are standing in line. I think we need to hear more stories such as this and not because we feel we need to toot our own horns but because there are mean people out there who simply need to be reminded that this world is hard enough without more of their kind. I felt my face flush when I read the story and already knew exactly what I would have done which is described above. Why lose money when someone is willing to help someone else and not lose the store money? Your stories are very enlightning and helpful to someone who has a rough time with emotional and personal feelings, keep it up your reaching the masses.
Hi all…
Alisa, karma is great. Stay with it. Marriage is all-encompassing. My wife cannot expect me to be compassionate only to those who live at my house. That is half an existence. It is vital to a successful marriage that she knows that those attributes that can be shared with others are shared with others.
Furthermore, someone who claims to be compassionate eight hours a day, every day, is not compassionate. It must be a constant. Failing that, it is only something we do from time to time.
Keep up with the karma.
RavSean
I loved your story,and it made me tear up too. My husband is always telling me to stop telling myself a negative story about what other people are doing or may be thinking. This is a great example! I probably would have thought that the woman was trying to scam or something bad, instead of thinking she was just needy. It makes it easier to be mad about my situation (like waiting in a long line). What your karma stories have taught me is that it doesn’t really matter what her story was, help her anyway. I try to do both, stop assuming the worst about people and be generous no matter what, especially when it may least occur to me. Keep your karma stories coming!
Your heart was in the right place.
Keep up the karma stories. I like ‘em too. As for this incident: I was so hoping you were going to say that your kind cashier grabbed the meat, rang it up on your tab, and then you passed it on to the woman who was trying to buy it. Just to show that mean cashier that kindness is a cool thing. But I guess that would have defeated the purpose of the karma aspect, thinking evil thoughts about a cashier more concerned with protocol than humiliating a shopper with a gift card.
Alisa, I was touched & moved by this story. I apologize in advance but this will be a long comment. I just had to pass this on. I can surely empathise with that lady because I have been her before. As you and most here know during the worst of my wife’s illness we struggled very badly. Few here know just how bad it got at times but it finally culminated in us loosing our home.
But there were times when I had to choose between buying her the life saving medicine she needed & me living on beans & rice. I never let her know how bad it got sometimes because in addition to everything else she became diabetic requiring an expensive diet. So there were many weeks where in order for her to get the fruit & sugar free foods she so loved that I cut back to one meal a day & most times it was very cheap food for myself. At the time I never minded doing that. It made her happy so I gladly did so.
Also for the first time in my life I had to accept help from others. I NEVER thought that would happen. Some came from complete strangers I never even met from PHEA. To those who did I cant thank you enough. This was VERY difficult for me to do. I think your Karma post had a lot to do with it.
But I say all of that to say this. Over the past few months as my marriage deterierated I DID start to resent all the sacrifice I made for somebody who seemed not to care one iota about me. I have dealt with a LOT of anger over this. This is the same woman who would generously donate her time & effort to help the mentally disabled. Who would volenteer at the church. Seemingly who would to anything for anybody BUT her husband. Even though we have decided to end the marriage I STILL do for her. Some of my friends think I am still being taken advantage of. But I honestly can’t do otherwise. No matter what she has done she is a person in need. I cant just turn my back on somebody who is. No matter what they have done to me personally. But I still deal with some anger over it.
Your post has made me realize that I need to let this anger go. What I did in the past & what I am doing now is just the right thing to do. What others think doesn’t matter. What I get out of it doesn’t matter. We should do & give from our heart without any thought of what would that person do for me. Thanks so VERY much for posting this. I wish I had seen it the day it was posted. I have been really struggling with these issues the last few days. But I haven’t been here as much as I used to be. Guess I feel that because my marriage failed I don’t have as much to contribute any more. That was wrong though. We are a close community here. So I will get back to being a regular. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for everything you do.
You do Indeed ROCK
Ron