I was emailing with a friend. She was feeling sad and didn’t know what to do about it. I told her the one strategy that works for me whenever I’m depressed. It’s this: make someone else feel better. Depression is a self-absorbed state. If you focus your attention away from yourself and onto others, it lifts.
“Go make someone happy,” I wrote.
She said, “I don’t have anyone to make feel happy.” She was alone in her apartment. The usual homeless guy was not at his usual post. I told her that it’s easier to spread happiness than most people realize. Here are several ways to boost the happiness of others and, by default, your own.
- Smile and make friendly eye contact when you see people.
- Open doors for people, especially the ones who are carrying heavy packages or who are trying to pull a wheel chair or stroller through the doorway.
- Compliment people.
- Tell people you think their children are beautiful, especially when their kids are misbehaving.
- Write reviews for the books you read. Reviews, especially positive ones, make authors happy. (Hint, hint, hint….)
- Call your mother and ask her how she’s doing.
- Respond to someone’s Facebook update, especially if she or he is having a bad day.
- Send an email to that friend you’ve been thinking about and tell her how much you’ve been thinking about her.
- Walk up to your spouse and give him or her a shoulder rub.
- Tell someone you are sad. Let that person hug you.
- Sit next to an elderly person at the park. Listen as that elderly person tells you stories.
- Pet your dog.
- Cook your kid’s favorite meal.
- Forgive someone.
- Leave a small gift for a friend or loved one as a surprise.
- Leave a small gift for a stranger as a surprise. Leave a dollar on a cab floor, for instance. Imagine how happy the next person will be when he or she finds that dollar.
- Tell your spouse, “I love you. I’m still glad I married you.”
- Tell your neighbor that you love his or her yard and gardens.
- Tell your mother in law that you love her tuna noodle casserole.
- Tell a blogger that her post rocks.
- Write an inspirational status update on Facebook.
- Send a card to a friend.
- Hand write a letter to a loved one. Thank that person for making a difference in your life.
- Tell your children that they are smart.
- Tell your parents that they were good parents and that all of the therapy you’ve done had nothing to do with them.
- When someone expects you to get mad, don’t.
- Help your spouse find the milk in the fridge even though he should be able to find it himself.
Speaking of finding milk in the fridge, check out this video on that very topic.
How do you bring light into other people’s lives? How does the photo go with the topic of this post? What should its caption be?
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
#28 Write a blog post with 27 ways to boost happiness–thank you!
Love this post…sometimes all it takes is a small gesture to brighten someone’s day. I have commented on friend’ s status on facebook or reached out with an email if I’ve seen they were upset.
The photo is beautiful…I’d title it “Simple Beauty”
As a mother of a “spirited” child, I love, love #4!
“Tell a blogger that her post rocks” Hey I LOVE that one
Great stuff Alisa. Sometimes we don’t really realize how the small things can make a BIG difference in somebodies day. When somebody shows kindness to me in even the smallest of ways like a smile, a wave etc. It really DOES make me feel better.
Now I would have to lie to tell my mother in law her tuna casserole is great, so I’ll skip that one & find another way to make her feel better. Did I say that?..BAD MAN..lol Actually I am lucky I have a good mother in law. It is my wife she drives crazy..lol But it serves as a reminder that I need to let her know how much she is appreciated.
The other pointers are all great ones. I am so looking forward to writing a review when I finish your new book.
You STILL ROCK Girl
Ron
Awesome post!
“Scatter joy like wildflower seeds and watch your own life bloom.”
I consider myself to be a happy individual most of the time. When I catch myself feeling down… it’s usually because I have allow some FEAR into my thought patterns. Now I know I have nothing to be unhappy about because you can’t find happiness in outside sources. It’s WITHIN you. So when you GIVE of yourself to others, do nice things for others, it allows that happiness that’s already within you to come forth.
So if you are unhappy in your marriage, or just unhappy about life in general, GIVE your love to someone, and you WILL feel better!
David
I can sometimes get stuck in a self-created, negative vortex so how do you even get to a place where you are able to give to others?
Jessica–that’s a good question. Maybe that’s my next post? But the short answer is that I will force myself to get outside–anywhere that I will be around other people. I look at them–really look at them. Like at the faces of drivers as their cars pass by. At people on the street. People on the subway. I really look at them and try to know them. I tell myself, “That person has a zillion thoughts in his head just like I do. That person is worried, angry, sad, etc.” I imagine their entire lives–I see that they love people and worry about others. I remind myself that all of humanity suffers. All of humanity is wrapped up in its own problems. I am not the only one with problems. It breaks me out of myself. And usually, if I am lucky, the universe sends me a gift in the form of a naturally giving and happy person to break me out of my self absorbed misery.
Jessica,
I’ll tell you the same thing that I’ve told many husbands that wanted help in their marriages and were feeling down about their situations:
“All the time… 24/7… you have thoughts running around in your head. Thoughts of failure, thoughts of fear, scary thoughts, sad thoughts, I’m worthless thoughts, violent thoughts even. The thing to understand is that YOU are NOT your thoughts. You are something else. You are… an awareness… that chooses to keep or discard your thoughts.”
What this means is that whatever you are thinking and feeling today… you will get MORE of tomorrow. You create your future by the thoughts and feeling you have in the present. But there is one more ingredient, and that’s purposeful action.
Thinking causes you to FEEL – - Feeling causes you to ACT — Acting causes additional thinking.
Therefore…if you discard negative thoughts, and replace it with a positive thought that is useful too you…you will start to feel different. These new feelings will cause you to ACT differently. The new actions you take will cause you to think more of the thoughts that were useful to you.
An example of this is a man who wants save his marriage. He can feel the distance between him and his wife growing each day. IF he thinks negatively about the situation with thoughts of: “I’m never going to get her back” “I’m a worthless piece of _____” “She’s going to cheat on me”. With these kinds of thoughts he will have feeling of despair and desperation. He will literally push her away with his actions too – such as checking her phone for texts and other insecure behaviors.
Now if he discarded those thoughts… and instead purposefully choosing thoughts that were useful.. he might be thinking: “I am going to be the best, most attractive husband I can be.” “I can change my own behavior and learn how to draw her back to me.” “I will have a happy marriage with a woman who wants to be with me”.
How would he feel then? What actions would he take then?
So Jessica, The thing to remember is that it all begins with your thoughts… as soon as you think something that invokes a negative feeling within you… DROP that thought immediately. Then replace it with a new thought that is positive and useful to you. Then you will discover the happiness that was inside you all along.
Hope this helps…
David
This is so great, especially as I read it on a Friday afternoon. We have so much more power over our feelings than we think. Choosing to be positive and engage with others is a real way to Pay It Forward.
Awesome stuff everybody. Jessica ask how. This is just from mine & my beloveds personal experience but we find it to be a choice. For quite a while after her illness hit we were both wrapped up in our own selves. It seemed as if our world came crashing down around us.
And in a sense it did. I watched her go from being a totally vivacious, outgoing, bubbly woman to one who was sick & a shell of her former self. It destroyed intimacy, our finances, we lost our home & we saw friend after friend drop away because they just didn’t know what to do or say.
If anybody had a right to throw a pity party we did. And for quite a while we did. But through navigating the nightmare of social services we discovered how difficult it was for us. We couldn’t begin to imagine how hard it must be for people who are in much worse medical shape & unable to do anything. Most just fall through the cracks.
So after were able to get some help for us my beloved took it upon herself to help others. She started doing advocacy work on behalf of the disabled. One thing we discovered is no matter how bad we have it there is ALWAYS others in even greater need. We also discovered the joy one gets from helping others.
One thing led to another & my beloved discovered a group here who assist the mentally disabled in our area. They are called STARC by the way in case anybody wants to look them up. I know they could always use help, financial & otherwise. My wife is a very talented artist so she started volentering one day a week teaching art therapy for them. I also later started just going there to do whatever they needed.
I can tell you the joy it brings us can not be put into words or measured in anything tangible like money. The service & really making a difference in the life of these wonderful people is in itself a reward worth more than gold.
So it may sound bad but sometimes I feel like I am doing it for selfish reasons, for the joy it brings. Sure I know we are helping others. But our students show us the most sincere love you could ever know. They have no agenda, the love just because they love.
As a Christian this is the closest thing to Christ love that you I have ever see on this earth. Most people love for a reason. Most to get things. I don’t mean in a material sense. Not even getting things are bad. We love to get a spouse, children etc. There are many good selfish reasons to love. But these people love just to love. So when we are struggling for motivation to give some compassion for others just think of the joy it will bring us as well.
Sorry for the mini sermon
You ROCK Alisa
Ron
Oh & also another thing we learned is to be happy with whatever you have. Many of these students have absolutely nothing in life. Most live in group homes. Some actually have family that dropped them off & rarely if ever come by to see them. Now the majority have loving involved families. Some however don’t & it used to break my heart to know that. Then you meet them & they are happy. No matter what, they are happy. It was a wonderful lesson. Sure we still get caught up in oursleves. But every Friday when we see these wonderful people it is a reminder that one can find happiness in any situation.
Love these, especially #27!
Dear Alisa,
thank you so much for this great post and for your blog.
When hearing your story the first time, it helped me picking up courage to work again on our marriage!
We were in a situation that seemed hopeless to me and it is still very difficult, but you gave me back hope that we can find a solution and discover our love again.
Thank you!
B. Martin
p. s. I’ll start with #20 today.
Could join Join Me
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Join_Me
Tim– thanks for sharing that link. Interesting!
Sigh.
I can do everything on this list except for #9 and #17. I’ve been married for 11 years: happy for 2, unhappy for 1, angry and resentful for 6, unhappy for 1, and working on it for the past year. As you can imagine, those 6 years did a number on me and my marriage! Although I have worked through all (90%?) of that anger, I still can’t bring myself to love my husband. Will it take 6 years to undo the 6 years of anger/resentment? I hope not!
Beautiful photo! My favorite of these is to send a card to someone.
Last summer, when my ex-husband was having medical issues, at the height of his hospitalization and ALL that stuff, I went to Target and bought 5 cards. I came home, sat down at my kitchen table and hand wrote different heartfelt sentiments in each of the cards. As I sat there and wrote out each card, my “load” was lightened and I felt happier. It helped a lot to focus my energy elsewhere and take the time to tell five of my closest friends how much I appreciated their presence in my life. I have a vivid memory of addressing the envelopes and sending them off. It definitely helped!
I also love giving compliments. I think a lot of this is just focusing on what’s right in the world, which is not always easy to do, but always pays off in the end!
I like that this post is titled 27 Ways to Increase Your Happiness. Great advice!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
#20: LOL! DrummerGuyRon, you’ve cemented yourself in this blog’s history! Congrats!
Oh, the caption of the photo should be
“Just because you’re short, doesn’t mean you can’t grow.”
The blue flowers, one taller than the other, seems to inspire that in me.
And I forgot to answer the question of how I bring light into other peoples’ lives….
Honestly, I think I’m grateful and I’m not afraid to show it. I am usually positive and have been described as “cheerful,” so I think that brings light too. While I can’t say I’m always positive, I am always quite grateful–for everything and everyone in my life–whether little or big. I think I bring light in other people’s lives by showing, and sharing, my immense gratitude. I hope I inspire others to be more grateful.
I also like to be people’s cheerleader. While I can’t make someone feel a certain way, I do like to encourage others and help them to believe in themselves. I’ve always had people who believed in me, and because I’ve been so blessed by that, I just want to pass that on. I think I do this most days, at least I try.
Great questions!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
i have been married for 30yrs. i feel that my husband and i are not in love like we use to be. the last couple of yrs kinda different.we married young have 3 children and 3 grandchildren. we love each other but a different love hard to explain,i just need advice on how to fall back in love or how to love him like i use to….
I miss the love