Welcome to the “Be The Change” Series
Today I dared my kid to ride her bike through this huge puddle. She looked at me as if she wasn’t sure. Could her mommy really be suggesting such a thing?
She got on her bike. She rode into the puddle. Water splashed up in an arc around her tires. She smiled one of those precious smiles that parents like me wish we could preserve in a scrapbook.
“That was fun!” she exclaimed.
“Okay, then do it again,” I suggested.
She did. This time she rode farther into the puddle. The water was deeper there. She stopped peddling as she watched the impressive wake she was leaving behind. It was right about then that she apparently rode into a pothole that neither of us could see because it was hidden under the water. She tumbled into the puddle. She emerged covered in mud and soaked from the knees down.
“I’m sorry. That was Mommy’s fault,” I said. “I should have seen that one coming.”
“It’s okay Mommy. That was on my list of things I want to do before I’m 20.”
“So, was it on your list to ride your bike through a puddle? Or to fall off your bike into a puddle?”
“Both,” she answered.
This cracked me up for reasons I probably don’t have to explain.
It also got me thinking about Life Lists. Lots of people make lists of things they want to do before they die. These tend to read like a to-do list and often include places they want to visit, foods they want to eat, and various experiences they want to have. These lists are about checking things off and saying that they’ve been done.
Today I’d like you to make a different kind of life list: a self-improvement list.This isn’t a list about what you want to experience or do. Rather, it’s a list about what you want to change–about yourself.
I want you to make this list as the first step in this multi-part Save Your Marriage series. This series will have many posts and many topics. You’ll find posts about communication, sex, romance, forgiveness and more. All of the posts, however, will share a similar theme. It’s this: Be the Change You Want to See in Your Marriage. This is a theme that I bring up a lot here at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. It’s my belief that the only person you can really change is you. Once you become a better you, your spouse just might follow your lead.
It sucks. It’s not fair. But it’s reality. More about accepting that reality in the next post.
For now, I’d like you to make a Be The Change Life List. It will list everything about yourself that you want to change before you die. I’m not talking about physical things like hair color and body weight. I’m talking about behavior, habits, and skills.
For instance, here are some of the things on my Be the Change List:
1. Become a better listener.
2. Become a better husband interviewer.
3. Become spunkier in the bedroom.
To make your list, think about how changing yourself might just help you to change your marriage. What skills could you work on? What behaviors could you change? Is it time for you to part with your anger problem? Could you become more independent and less needy? Would your spouse talk more if you listened more?
Think about the various self-improvement projects you could embrace—projects that will make you a stronger, happier, healthier and more well adjusted person regardless of what your spouse does.
Write them down.
Better yet, commit to them by commenting here about your Be the Change List. Workshop your lists together. Help each other Be the Change.
Important: I will be giving away a prize during each segment of this series. Today’s prize is a copy of the 5 Love Languages. I bought this book years ago and never read it. I might as well give it to someone who will. You are eligible to win if you leave a comment on this post about your Be the Change list before noon EST Tuesday April 19th.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
This is fantastic! I laughed hard when I read what your daughter said about her “things to do before I’m 20,” that’s great! Glad to know I wasn’t the only kid who had that kind of list.
Also, I think it’s always fantastic to be learning about yourself and improving yourself, regardless of how others may perceive you or what they may do. The greatest gift we can give ourselves, and our marriage, is to be the best person we can be, all the way around. That doesn’t mean we don’t ever cut ourselves some slack or morph into some super-human who never makes a mistake, it just means that when we put our best selves forward, the Universe has a way of knowing that and responding to it!
Your daughter is very wise and funny. My favorite part of this post was:
“…..make you a stronger, happier, healthier and more well adjusted person regardless of what your spouse does.”
So true, thank you for an exciting series and a great post today!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
A list you say, about self improvement. Hmmm each day I go through what I should change about myself, things that would lessen my stress, increase my happiness, strengthen my personal relationships. I am finding that no matter how much I give and change of myself the more unappreciated and unhappy things get. All that happens is more is expected of me.
Projest to make myself that happy, strong, well adjusted person regardless what the spouse does. What then after? I am needing my spouse to be included in these things that is why we are married right. A unity?! Two people working together. The spouse does not follow. Well my does not anyway.
So I guess, my “list” will be to soul search on if ALL the work I have been doing in this marriage is paying off and worth it. Lord knows that my nerves and tears have taken more than they deserve and they are in need of a break.
Struggling: Maybe assertiveness should be on your list? Or learning how to politely say No or set boundaries?
Alisa, I’m going to steal your “Be Spunkier In Bed” along with “Learn to spend time with my man doing nothing.” I tend to constantly be in must-be-productive mode, that I forget to slow down and just enjoy moments in life.
L´s last [type] ..30 Day Organize-athon Day 1
I really must recommend that you read the five love languages at some point. It’s up there on the list of books recommended by most family/marriage counselors and it’s actually quite a good book (just below Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It gives really good insights and might help you to achieve your goal of becoming a better listener. Even if you don’t use it in your own marriage, it would be a good reference for future blog post material and advice to all of us. I promise.
Hmmmm gonna have to think about this one a bit. I mean, when you are as perfect as me……LOL. I crack me up
But here are a couple I already know I need to improve on
1) Become more patient
2) Be more open to change.
I’ll come up with more after I get some work done. Gotta pay those bills…BOOOO!!!!
Keep on Rockin
Ron
My list is the following:
1. Really hear what my husband is saying. (After three years of marriage I found out this weekend that there is something I truly enjoy that causes my husband severe anxiety.)
2. Be happy with my husband.
3. Work on our marriage with my husbands feelings in mind. It doesn’t always have to be about how I feel.
I have to agree with Mary about reading the 5 love languages. I think it applies to every relationship I have, not just my marriage. It impacts how I talk to my family, friends, even my boss.
Be fair but assertive
More focused
more balanced or in harmony with self and others
let go of what I cannot change and move on
Iva, wonderful list, can I barrow it?
Struggling, I agree with Alisa’s advice.
Drummer Guy: change is constant, fighting it also is for me, glad to know I’m not the only that struggles with that. Good luck!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
1. Be more patient
2. Learn to let go of anger faster
3. Learn to believe my husband when he says he’s not mad at me
4 Be wiser with money
This is a hard one for me, only because I have been thinking so hard about what I need to change about myself in order to possibly get him to work on our relationship. We’ve been together for over 7 years with no proposal in sight and I’m tired of living the way we live. I’ve asked, I’ve begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, screamed, and walked away before and it seems to always come back to the same spot that we are in now. I’ve tried sitting down, calmly, and telling him that we need to discuss our relationship and work on the problems that we have, and he tells me to stop trying to be a doctor (when I’m trying to channel Alisa) and stop bringing it up every two weeks. I am a strong, independent, self assured woman, except when it comes to him. I just don’t know what direction I need to go in order to change myself, because I don’t see any changes that I need to make. I don’t want to be less independent in my life, only to become dependent on a man. I’ve told him what I need in order to be happy in our relationship, but it doesn’t seem to matter to him. I’m so afraid that my last change would be to change my address. I would say to let go of past grudges, but those past grudges are the same ones that I have today. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks for letting me vent.
I’m not making a list of changes in myself for my marriage. I’m just making changes in myself because I want/need to. And it’s not a list. Just as things come up, I schedule an appointment with my counselor or find a book on the subject and start changing. It’s not so much a conscious thing as it is just a sense that I have that something’s not right in my life. It’s been going on a lot lately. I almost wish I could sit and ponder them all, but that’s not in my nature. Sort of how when you’re walking along with someone and you automatically pick up the pace or slow your pace down to match the person you’re walking with – it just happens.
I am glad to share my list, happy to hear that some one likes it too
Love this post and everyone’s lists! Here’s mine:
-Become better at letting it go when my husband is grumpy and takes it out on me. I have a tendency to ask “why are you grumpy?” or “what’s wrong?” which just escalates things and makes him grumpier..
-Become better at listening to my husband without interrupting or finishing his sentences for him
-Become more accurate in my story-telling. I have a tendency to exaggerate when I share stories about instances in which I feel I was wronged.
- Learn to listen without talking ‘over’ other people.
- Become more independent by taking care of myself.
- Learn that I cannot control other people, only myself.
- Know that I do matter and I do deserve to be loved.
As I am going through my divorce I’ve had to be really introspective and ask myself some tough questions so that I can grow from this experience and not just dwell in the pain and hurt that is inevitable. I learned through this process and have changed within myself this:
1) Stop yelling, it does absolutely no good, it doesn’t speak volumes and your partner isn’t able to hear you any better.
2) LISTEN as your partner speaks, don’t sit there and formulate answers as they are talking, just listen.
3) It is almost like they say our relationship with God is, you need to meet them where they are, not in some imagined state of perfection.
At my age I doubt another relationship is in my future but I feel more whole and complete since taking this journey. Even though I am not trying to save my marriage anymore I still view this blog as a personal improvement sight and love reading all your responses.
I was really inspired with your post about the self-improvement list. I am always wishing that people would change and do this or that better etc. But what really needs to happen is I am the one that needs to change
* Realize that accept that enough is perfect!
* Stop nagging my hubby about stuff he doesn’t do and appreciate the things he DOES do!
* Be more spunkie in bed! (I really like that one)
* Don’t expect the changes to happen over night. It will be a process.
If I win the book the 5 Love Languages I would really love it if you would take the time to read it before sending it. I keep hearing over and over again from multiple sources how it is a great book. Thanks for keeping up on the posting. I am still struggling in my marriage and some days can not bear to read your posts. Other days it is a calming factor in my so absolutely crazy hectic life. Thank you for doing an awesome job of writing. I truly appreciate.
I think it’s great that Struggling won the 5 Love Languages. I hope you find it helpful! I’ll be in touch via email to get your mailing address to send the book.
Joanne, I have always enjoyed reading your posts and I appreciate your insight. Thanks for continuing to post and share. Good luck to you during this difficult time.
Faith
I am definitely trying to be the change in my relationship. I am changing. With suportive family, friends, counseling and getting back in touch with spritiuality and faith, I am stronger, but not as strong as I want to be, I am more open with my thoughts, but have a long way to go, and I will no longer be belittled, disrespected or unheard. I am finally over the shock and pathetic state I was in. I am remembering I was a person before marriage and I finally have a voice. No matter what happens in the end I will be better for it. I am realizing that maybe the path we were on did need to go in another direction, I am just not sure if we will go the same way. I hope to. I was the one who was blindsided, thought everything was fine, happy, good. But I also know this isn’t about me, it’s about my husband searching for “happiness”. I have made changes in myself but I cannot change something that I can’t control. He has to want to change and find what brings meaning to his life. It’s been just over a year, and he still has anxiety and confusion but will not confide in family, friends or a therapist, he os opening up everyonow and then with me. I can only hope that with the work I am doing he will reap the benefits.
Follow up to my own comment:
I am willing to be big and I am building the bridge. I hope we will cross it together.
I can probably already guarantee that I’m the youngest wife on here looking for ways to help my marriage, but everything you’ve said is exactly how my life seems to be right now. I’ve been following your happiness advice posts because there are things and changes that need to be made on my end, I’m just not entirely sure how to go about fixing them. But because of my unhappiness, my marriage is being greatly affected so I’ve now been seeking help and advice in both departments. My husband and I are both very young, and things in the past has affected where we are now whether we want to admit it or not. I’ve told him before that whatever happened then is done and over with and this is our life now and I want to live in the present, but with that being said he tells me all the time that I’m not the same person as I was before and that I’m not the person who he fell in love with and hearing that from him makes is difficult to handle. The more and more he tells me the negative things about myself-because I don’t hear or believe the good things-the more I lose sight of who I am and realize that I don’t actually know who I am anymore. So here is my list:
1. Learn to take a compliment. My husband has flat out given up on even telling me that I’m beautiful or gorgeous anymore because I just don’t believe that I’m the wonderful things he says I am.
2. Work on self improvement. It ties in with not believing what he says about me. Somehow I need to find a way to see in myself what he sees in me, I just have no clue how to go about it.
3. Be more independant
4. Be ambitious
5. Be happy
My list contains the following in addition to what you said in the blog:
4. Stop listening to gossip about the other woman
5. Remember that we are all entitled to make our own choices and that he is responsible for his choices even if I don’t approve of them
6. Love him despite his faults and his choices
7. Continue to forgive everyday
These are highest on my list. I can’t really exercise your #3 since he continues to sleep on the couch.
I’m glad to have access to this blog. It is quite helpful. Thank you.
Okay okay, my heels are dragging in the ground but I will do it
1. REALLY listen and ask if he is finished talking before I jump in
2. Give him space by taking space for myself
3. Create what I say is most important to me. I know that sounds grandiose but I know what it means for me and I just didn’t want to get on a grandstand here.
Maureen´s last [type] ..The Magic of Altruism- Step 1
My list is:
1) Be more self assertive
2) Be wiser
3) Be stronger and accept when things don’t go the way I want.
4) Be more organized
5) Accept people the way they really are.
1. Remain calm more often.
2. Maintain patience more often.
3. Find joy in the mundane.
4. Take care of myself (sleep, exercise, hobbies) even if that means I don’t finish my To Do list.