Earlier this week, I walked into an elevator in a big building in New York. The elevator doors closed, and that’s when I realized that the inside of the elevator had no buttons. I reflexively made a primal grunting sound. This alerted the other passenger in the elevator that I was a clueless country bumpkin who had never used a state-of-the-art elevator before.
She started giving me instructions in that fast, assertive, sort-of shouting-ish way that only a hardened New Yorker can. You know, she sort of purred and barked at the same time. It’s hard to explain. But if you’ve ever encountered such a hardened New Yorker, then you know of what I speak. It’s a mixture of accent, fast talking, assertiveness, and bluntness.
I stared at her wide-eyed, not understanding a thing she was telling me. Finally she said, “When we get to 17, you get off with me. I’ll press 15 for you and just get back on. You’ll be fine.” I put spaces between the words to make that easier for you to read. She did not speak with spaces between the words.
Still, I thanked her.
We got to 17. She pressed 15 on some sort of keypad that was outside the elevator. I walked toward an open elevator. She yelled, “Not that one. This one.” I walked into the one she was pointing to. Then I said in a lighthearted, jovial tone of voice, “Thank you so much. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably never get to where I was trying to go.”
That’s when something shifted inside of her. She went from sort-of nice to very nasty in a matter of seconds. Next thing I knew, she was sneering, “Don’t be stupid. That’s just stupid. Of course you’d get there. So stupid. That’s just stupid. Stupid people,” as she shook her head.
I had no idea what I’d said that had set her off. All I knew was that I was happy that I was on my way to a different floor.
Later it occurred to me that this sort of nice, sort of mean New Yorker lives inside a lot of our marriages, doesn’t she? Think about it. She’s quick to anger because she deals with nonsense on a regular basis. She doesn’t want to be quick to anger, however, because she’s working on herself. She probably sees a shrink once a week or maybe she takes a yoga class. One or both of those things has her trying to see the good in other people. She can sort of see the good in other people sometimes, but then every so often someone like me comes along and just can’t for the life of her figure out a simple thing like an elevator and she’s just like, “See?! I knew they were all stupid. Why did I give these stupid people the benefit of the doubt? It’s hopeless!”
Are you seeing a parallel yet?
If you are in the process of improving your marriage, it’s easy to be just like this angry New Yorker. You want to believe in the goodness of your spouse and the goodness of your marriage. And even though there might be lots of evidence every day that supports that your marriage and your spouse are really pretty dang good, there’s always going to be something that tells you otherwise.
After all nobody’s perfect, and even the best of spouses do stupid things like tell you they are going to cook you a potato but forget to turn on the oven (my husband). And they also do stupid things like claim to really be cooking the potatoes this time and actually turn on the oven, but fail to ever take them back out of the oven so they turn into shriveled sorry excuses for something edible. (That would be me).
People do stupid things. People say insensitive things. People sometimes do the opposite of what they really want to do. People don’t make sense.
This, my friends, will never change.
Sometimes, the best you can do—in marriage, in life, and in New York—is embrace what makes people so fallible. And rather than get annoyed by their faults, realize two things. One, they also have many beautiful qualities. Two, you’ve got faults, too.
Wherever angry New York lady is right now, I wish her happiness, peace of mind, and a protection from irritating stupid people like me. She helped me find my way, and she inadvertently taught me an important life lesson in the process.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Very interesting blog.
I’m a Californian bred and raised, now living in TX. I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked if I was from New York. Not so much for the “angry” part, but for the quick and witty and cocky responses I have for just about anything if I forget to turn my brain to mouth filter on. (Does anyone else watch Private Practice – the newish character that they all tell “filter” whenever she opens her mouth. That would be me.)
I’m sorry she was angry/rude, but at least you got where you were going and you had something to blog about.
I would have done what you did and thanked the woman profusely. I hate being lost. And I usually don’t have a problem with getting lost. But I would have never guessed that one would push the floor they wanted from an elevator on the outside of the elevator. That just makes no sense at all. But high-tech scares me most days. Although I’m very interested in having an iPad.
I tried to apply this to women friends lately – accepting peoples faults. It only works, in my opinion, if it’s a two way street. I had to be tolerant of their faults when they weren’t tolerant of mine of the same flare. Just doesn’t work when it’s not practiced by all parties. Hubby and I sometimes get into that also – but at least he’s more accepting of me pointing out his faults that I have to accept, than women friends are.
I can certainly identify with this woman, I don’t like to admit it, but I also do that. Not intentionally, often it’s not until after that I wonder what came over me. People can be very frustrating sometimes. I also know that I am one that frustrates other sometime too. Perhaps it’s just human nature.
Your insight never ceases to amaze me Alisa. I have yet to read a post which leaves me thinking, “she’s off her rocker”. I check your blog about once a day, and I’m always disappointed when there isn’t a new one yet. I haven’t ordered your book yet, (due to money issues) but I am definitly buying a copy.
Eve–well there are some people who definitely think I’m off my rocker. But I’m glad you are not one of them! Thanks for the nice feedback.
I still think that lady was RUDE! People annoy me all the time, but I resist the urge to project my anger towards them.
Good for you for taking a positive spin on it, even when she doesn’t deserve it.
I agree with Ali, many people use their own chagrin, for one reason or another, to be rude to other people. It truly amazes me Alisa where you see marriage lessons. I think you view the world and this life as one large classroom. I love your attitude and your sense of humor.
Eve; i got ten copies of the book because I share them with my daughters and my girlfriends. I can sure spare one to send to you. Let Alisa know and she can tell me where to mail it when I get them.
Eve and Joanne–sure, I can make that happen. Eve just email me your address (use the contact form on the site) and I’ll forward it to Joanne.
Wow, what a change in you Alisa. I recall your post about kicking the elevator door, but now you sound so calm and peaceful. It’s like you’re a different person now. And it’s all for the better.
Paul–so true. This is what a year of consistent meditation will do for a gal, you know? I didn’t remember the other post, but you’re right. That was almost EXACTLY a year ago. Thanks for the reminder. It’s nice to be able to see that I’ve come a long way. Gives me a sense of accomplishment!
Alisa;
Read chapter one of your book and loved it. I love the way you write.
I am a New Yorker, and I completely understand that woman…I have been there before, but I never audibly verbalized it – now that was a tad classless, But I love how you can take something like that and relate it to your life and marriage. I am still trying to take the little things that happen and turn them into a lesson to learn
Alisa, every time I read you blog I become a little calmer and a little more zen about my marriage and my trip on the road to adoption. I really look up to you and it upsets me that someone would treat you so rude. I am glad that you learned a lesson from it but still there is no excuse to be rude. I grew up (and still live) in the southwest. Here people are so polite for the most part.
I also love how you can take this experience and help us to learn from it. I try hard to be nice and curteous to all people. Just the other day I was at the doctors office and there was an older couple leaving. His wife was in a wheel chair and he was pushing her, they couldn’t figure out how to open the door. Mind you there were other people in the waiting room, I jumped up and said let me get the door for you. It should always feel good to do for others without expecting something in return. It also made me think about people in general. Everyone needs help at some point. If someone could give selflessly how much happier of a world would we live in. I have always given selflessly of my self to my family. I have always gone without to make their lives better.
Ok on a different subject I have a dilemma, I am currently a stay at home mom I want to buy my husband a super gift for Christmas. It is expensive, I have no money of my own. I feel it would be like him buying his own gift. What do other stay at home moms do? What are your opinions?
Thanks. Just so happens that was exactly what I needed to hear today.
Lisa, buy it for him is what I say! Currently in my marriage, most of our shared money is mine, but I can’t tell you how nice it is when my husband makes surprise dinner reservations. Even though I’m paying for it, it makes me happy that he’s thinking about me and how to make my/our life nicer. It’s your love, tied to that big gift, that makes all the difference.
Lisa: I am the bread winner in our family but in fact the bread belongs to both of us. Ray does his share in our marriage it just doesn’t translate into the bank account except that only by his doing all that he does am I free to go out and earn a living. Mrs. levine is right, consider the money just as much yours as his and do what your heart tells you to do.
“She’s quick to anger because she deals with nonsense on a daily basis.” What a great point. If she’s anything like my guy, she thinks that everyone has experienced the daily nonsense through her eyes and should be more sensitive to it, because they should understand that she’s been dealing with nonsense all day. Haha. He’s working on it. Maybe he should start a karma project of his own.
To be fair to her, she might have very well thought you were mocking her. Light-hearted and jovial doesn’t come around much in New York without a heavy dose of sarcasm, especially as it gets colder. Or she might have just come from Times Square or Rockefeller (read:tourist central) where gazillions of people are wandering mindlessly in her path without caring that they are probably making her late for her important New Yorker business meeting. Ah, the holidays and New York
It’s all how you look at other people, good advice!
She sounds like Aunt D on crack!
However, I must admit, I am in the middle of an experience just like this at work. I have demonized my boss so much I am having trouble looking him in the eye. That is because I have decided, as you so aply say, that he is “stupid. Why did I give [him]the benefit of the doubt? It’s hopeless!”
His anger and belligerence is probably masking his own insecurity.
You are absolutely correct: he is fallible and so am I. You may have saved my job.
Excellent post as always. It does seem as if people in general no mater where they live are just becoming ruder, louder & more self centered. I don’t know if it has to do with the way a person is raised or just the societal norms are just changing. I suspect it it due to both. I was raised by parents who were always polite to everybody & I was taught to do the same. I remember before I went on my first date my dad sat me down & told me all about what being a gentleman meant. He taught me to open the door, pull out a chair for her etc. To this day I still do that for my beloved.
Everybody always tells me that I am that prototypical “nice guy”. I don’t mean that as bragging it is just my nature. It has many times in life gotten me “walked on” by others. It is one reason I couldn’t date an aggressive woman when I was single. But getting walked on or taken advantage of because of it will not change me. I wont let it. I just accept the fact that some people are “takers” who care only about themselves. In my mind they have a real problem & will be destined to live empty lives. So I sorta feel sorry for them.
It is funny when you think about it but people call my beloved & I the “Polite Pettit’s”. Whats kind of sad is say I open a door for someone, give up a seat for a lady etc. they are stunned & look at you like you are from Mars. When I was growing up that was just the normal thing to do. Just last week I was in the parking lot of a store & saw an elderly lady struggling to get some heavy stuff in her trunk so I unloaded it for her. The sad part is there must have been 5-6 able bodied men who just walked right past & did nothing to help. Here in the south men used to be raised to ALWAYS help a lady. Now they don’t want to be bothered. VERY sad.
Kathy one exception I have seen is actually in Texas. I was stationed there when I was in the A.F. & have made several recent return visits to see a couple of in-laws. I always see men opening doors, refer to a lady as “mam” etc. I don’t know if it is still true but back when I was stationed there (80-81) if a man didn’t do those things he was considered less of a man. Is that still true?
Alisa sorry for the rant but this one has always been a pet peeve of mine..LOL I do LOVE the way you tied a great life lesson into what has sadly become an every day experience. Being in the music industry I have been to New York a few times. I did see it change for a while when they had a citywide campiane to change the image of the “rude New Yorker”. People were much more engaging & polite during that time. But I haven’t been back since. But sadly it isn’t just a New York thing. It has even spread to the south were the word gentleman used to mean something.
Keep on Rockin!!!
Ron
P.S. I didn’t know your book had hit the market. With the move we have to make & the Christmas season I can’t budget it right now but look forward reading it when I can.
Drummer Guy,
Chivalry hasn’t died for the most part in TX. Which I love!!! My hubby had to teach me that men open doors. My brothers did NOT believe in doing that for girls/women (or at least not me). Just last Sunday, I was out with our guy friends (hubby wasn’t with us), I made the guys open the doors for me.
But when I’m out alone, men open doors for women. One day, I was at least 15 feet from getting to the door and the guy waited for me. Having grown up in Los Angeles, holding doors was not the norm. So when it happens, I always thank the guy or even woman for doing it. While pregnant, the latter months in Oregon, I had one too many doors let go on me and my arms were getting too short to stop doors from hitting my stomach. I had a few close calls.
Now I can live without the “ma’am”. It makes me feel old. Years ago, I actually surveyed waitresses and other women in Los Angeles, they do NOT like to be called “ma’am”. But I try to accept it since it is the culture in Texas. But my male doctors, I have them call me chick or dudette or just Kathy. All the doctors are so young nowadays that it just makes me feel really old.
If a little boy or guy way younger than me holds or opens a door for me, I tell him “women love this and to never stop being a gentleman”. The young boys usually puff out their chests. It’s just too cute.
Kathy that’s one of the things I loved about TX. That is a great mental image of the boys pumping their chest out
But it is also something that will stick with them & will encourage them to keep doing it. I little fattery goes a long way with us guys..LOL Another thing I loved about TX was the respect they treated military members with. In those days in most states the military was treated with contempt & downright rudeness. It has come full circle now & people treat them nicely. Nice to know that chivalry isn’t dead in TX.
Does remind me of another funny story (I got a million of them..lol). After I divorced & was in the dating scene I went to pick up a girl a friend set me up with. I escorted her to my car & opened the door for her. She went balistic yelling “I don’t need a MAN to open my door” & proceeded with a string of foul mouthed obscenities dropping the F bomb & more choice words than you hear on a naval ship, telling me how I must date mealy mouthed women & she was a “STRONG woman capable of opening her own doors & I better not pull out a chair for her at the resturaunt”.
I told her “that wont be a problem at all. As a matter of fact I will be happy to not open your door as you get out of my vehicle nor will I open it as you walk back to your house. Now if you will excuse me I need to run & see if I can find a mealy mouth girl who would actually appreciate somebody being a gentleman. Now obviously you don’t appreciate that because a gentleman needs to date a lady & since you aren’t one we just need to part ways. Perhaps you would be better suited in the future by dating only sailors. At least you would have good coneversation as you both appreciate the value of obscene language. BYE!!!”
She was still cursing at me as I drove off. An hour latter the friend who set us up called to hear my side of what happened? I told her the whole 5min date & she said “Sheesh, I told her you kept telling me you can’t meet a nice guy & one who treats you like a lady. After months of nagging me I finally set you up with one & you yell at him & curse him out for OPENING A DOOR & scare him off. You can’t get a gentleman because you can’t act like a lady so quit complaining & keep dating these jerks because that’s all you deserve”.
I guess great minds think alike….:-) I could tell a hundred dating nightmare stories. I am so lucky to have met my beloved. She’s beautiful, kind, caring & most importantly a lady. I better not let this one get away
Ron
Joanne, Thank you so much! That is so generous of you.
I do have the book on my Christmas wish list, but I will keep your generous offer in mind.
Thank You!
I love how you use EVERYTHING and let EVERYONE teach you, Alisa! That is something that I do and it is so brilliant and wise! Awesome! I agree about the Mean New-Yorker within us all, we’ve all got problems, flaws and short comings–and I think we’re all irritated quicker than we think. It is so important to focus on what’s right with people, rather than what’s wrong–especially when it comes to our spouse. It’s all in our perception, and our willingness to recognize when that perception is way off. Thank you for the great reminder and interesting story! Another post well done!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I am not like that woman at all! However, when you drew the parallel to how we treat our spouses, I am exactly like that woman. Right now (for the last week) I have been on a positive streak. Things that would have completely exasperated me, I have been able to move past. I am not even sure what brought about the change, except this is the change I have been praying for. Let’s hope it lasts! Thanks you for the insightful and thought-provoking post!
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Sarah Liz – I agree with your comments; Alisa does find a positive in all situations, and that’s what we should all aspire to – after all, we usually can’t change the circumstances, we can only change our attitude to it. I’ve found this to be so true – when I had mild depression (off and on for about 10 years or so) I would get angry or frustrated at very minor things; red traffic lights, not being able to get the lawnmower to start first time, etc, etc) and thought life was terrible. When I came out of it, recognized that I had depression and got some treatment life really did get a whole lot better! I can now usually see the positive in most things, and when I do find myself focussing on a negative, I make a conscious effort to find the positive, and life is so, so much better!
Alisa – you make an excellent point yet again about no-one being perfect. We all have our shortcomings, and it’s learning to respect and even admire these in our partners is a key to a successful long-term relationship. Another key factor in a successful relationship (marriage, business, or whatever) is not holding others to a standard we don’t hold ourselves to – for example in my former marriage my then wife used to complain about things she didn’t like about me and many times these were things she did herself (in psycological terms I believe this is called ‘projection’).
Excellent blog!