Over the next few days, I’m going to tell you about some of the best marriage books I’ve read this year. This, however, is not your usual assortment of marriage books. Case in point: there will not be a single how-to book mentioned in this entire series.
In fact, there will not be a single book reviewed that most people think of as a marriage book. None of the books I’m going to review are even sold in the “relationships” section of your local bookstore.
No, I didn’t choose these books for their advice. I choose them for an entirely different reason. It’s this: They paint a realistic portrait of life.
It’s false expectations, in my opinion, that are partially to blame for most of our problems—marriage problems, career problems, friendship problems, happiness problems. We all grew up with Cinderella. As a result, most of us are pining away for the day when our good fairy will finally come, wave that all-important magic wand over our heads, and make it all better.
Or at least that’s the case with me.
The Cinderella myth also has many of us believing in people like Prince Charming, too. You know. Men who are, em, not only charming, but also rich, cute, graceful on the dance floor and who intuitively know just how stressful it is for a woman to be missing a shoe.
I’d like to meet such a man. Maybe my Fairy Godmother will introduce me to him one of these days.
In the meantime, there’s realism. Realism is important. It keeps us from falling prey to the myth that our lives would be much happier if we were single. It keeps us from falling prey to the myth that our lives would be much happier if we were divorced.
It keeps us fighting the good fight—even if a few precious heirlooms get broken in the process.
First up in the series will be the novel Olive Kitteridge. More on that in the next marriage books post. For now, however, a special offer from me. It occurred to me that some of my biggest and most loyal supporters are also some of the folks who are struggling the most financially. These are the folks who would devour a copy of my book if only they had the money to buy one.
So I thought a giveaway was in order. I will giveaway 5 free signed copies of Project: Happily Ever After to 5 lucky people who comment on this post. The winners will be chosen by random drawing. I’d like you to comment on one of the following two topics (or both):
1. What is your favorite marriage book and why?
2. When did you stop believing in the Cinderella myth and why?
I will choose a winner at the end of this series, which will be around mid next week. Let the comments begin.
There’s still time to enter the Fabulous PHEA Giveaway! Be entered to win a Kindle, a stay at a B&B, marriage counseling, a vibrator and more with proof of purchase of Project: Happily Ever After.
Learn more about Project: Happily Ever After. Watch the trailer and get a sneak preview into the book.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
My favorite marriage book (non-fiction) is Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I like his perspective and had the blessing of going on a cruise with he and his wife and hearing them speak on the topic. The book has really helped my marriage.
For fiction, I liked the four seasons of marriage books by Catherine Palmer and Gary Chapman, although they weren’t the best written books, I liked that they showed the different seasons marriages go through. I also like the way marriage is portrayed in the Yada Yada prayer group books by Neta Jackson…they aren’t the focus of the books but each marriage is interesting and adds to the story. They are real–the couples get mad at each other and have struggles, but ultimately they rely on God and themselves to get through.
Ah, the Cinderella myth…
I think a little bit of me still has a wee tiny spark of faith that Mr. Wonderful will show up in my life some day, but I do temper that with the fact that he might leave the toilet seat up, or snore on occasion. That aside, I am not sure if I ever had a Cinderella complex. My father died young, so my Mom was a pretty powerful single-mother figure in my world. I watched her doing it all and secretly thought “Wow, she does it all herself! I bet I could do that if I tried”. Well unfortunately, I too have had the chance to try on those shoes, as my own husband died much too young. We might yearn for someone special to share some time with, but through watching my Mother’s dating experiences (most of whom were not her equals economically or as socially stable) I realized that everyone has their issues. I love Robert Munsch’s story “The Paper Bag Princess” where Elizabeth saves the ungrateful Prince Ronald and she promptly calls him a bum and walks off into the sunset alone. You go sister!!
I stopped believing in the Cinderella myth when I found out my husband had been cheating on me while I was pregnant with our first child, who has spina bifida. We’d only been married four months when it began, and it didn’t end for another six.
My husband is a fun-loving, easy-going, energetic, friendly guy, who once upon a time I thought loved me most in the world. I’ve had a pretty terrible run of luck with guys ever since my first “boyfriend” — let’s just say I’m a survivor of a lot of things — and when I met him, and he worked very hard to charm me, I was just swept off of my feet. We used to joke that our romance was like a movie, that this kind of thing didn’t happen in real life, and I always secretly felt that maybe this was my karma, that maybe I’d finally found a truly great guy who really loved me and was Who I Was Supposed To Be With.
My fairy tale abruptly ended over a year ago, though I remain married. I’ve pretty much resigned to the fact that it was never a fairy tale, it was probably never anywhere close to what I thought it was. So I quit believing in them, because my husband showed me that even the best of men will let you down.
Tabatha´s last [type] ..Thirty Days of Truth- Day Thirty
Right now my favorite marriage book is The Five Love Languages. I just recently finished reading it, and am now on a campaign to get my husband to read it. There’s an old saying that “no one can be loved too much, but everyone can be loved the wrong way.” This book is an excellent reminder of that. Your spouse has a way he/she wants to be loved, and it’s your job to figure out what that way is and give that type of love to your partner. The book also does a good job of explaining that staying married is a choice. All marriages have bumps, and the key to a long marriage is making a commitment to one another — not finding that elusive Prince Charming who will make everything perfect.
As for the Cinderella Myth, I didn’t let go of that one until I was in my mid-20s. I had just ended a very long relationship with a man I thought was my own personal Prince Charming. I truly believed that we were perfect for each other and that somehow love would conquer all. We were very much in love, but were ultimately driven apart because we had a few differences that caused frequent friction. I eventually gave up on the relationship, thinking that if we were going to argue regularly about these differences, we must not have been perfect for each other. It wasn’t until after we broke up that it dawned on me that every couple has differences, and the key to surmounting them is to approach those differences with maturity, tolerance, and a strong sense of commitment to one another. I learned that lesson too late to repair the relationship I had ended, but early enough to apply it to the relationship I have with the man I married.
What is your favorite marriage book and why?
I love Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. This book changed my life. It helped me realize that likely every other woman in the world has the same insecurities and problems as I do. On some days, I used to think that no one understood what I was going through. John Gray, was so spot on! I encourage all of my friends and family to read this book when they’re coming across relationship issues. It helps to put everything in perspective.
I agree about the cinderella expectation phenomenon. I feel like I was raised to think that marriage was a happy, easy thing. By having society cram that in my head my whole life, I went into marriage with false expectations. I think I made this realization about two or three months after my wedding. Now it’s just an uphill climb. I strive to have more good days than bad!
1. What is your favorite marriage book and why?
I just read “The Stuff That Never Happened” by Maggie Dawson and felt it captured both and old and new marriage quite adeptly. I need to start a good reads shelf on marriage books. This is a great idea. I can’t wait to see what you recommend.
2. When did you stop believing in the Cinderella myth and why? I stopped believing in the myth in 2007 when I realized that a new guy would not save me, and probably had annoying habits too and that marriage was work and worth fighting for.
I don’t comment usually but this post stuck out for me. I myself am still trying to overcome the Cinderella myth, but I’ve found in talking to relatives who are married and other couples that no relationship is perfect, regardless of what they might project on the outside. I’ve also found that marriage is a mirror; never before have I noticed or been able to admit to myself the flaws that I have. Now, when I see how my bad habits or personality quirks impact my husband, it makes me see that marriage can’t be perfect with two imperfect people. Each time I work a little on my own imperfections, however, I see my husband equally willing to work on his and the relationship blossoms into something more deep than the superficial image of a fairy tale I once imagined.
As for a favorite marriage book, when I was questioning my engagement to my now-husband, I read Recipes for a Perfect Marriage by Morag Prunty and really enjoyed it. It is also fiction and at times a bit sad, but I think the overall message is to realize that the “love” you are trying to find is sometimes there all along, but because it isn’t some over the top romantic movie we tend to overlook it. It is a helpful reminder to see love in the every day gestures, and to realize that frustrations, disagreements, and moments of annoyance are a part of marriage.
I’d have to say that *The 5 Love Languages* would have to be my favorite, mostly because it not only helps you deal with your romantic relationship, but also with the other people in your life as well.
I think I stopped believing in the Cinderella myth before I even met my husband, because every romantic relationship I was in prior to my marriage were jerks who were emotionally/verbally abusive. Now I have a good man, still not a prince, but it’s hard for me to accept him and his goodness. If that makes sense.
I would LOVE a chance to win your book… it’s to the point in my marriage where I just want out. Not because I don’t love him (I do), but because it’s just… nothing works. Our issues are the same ones we had 5 years ago and there’s a lot of lip service on what we need to do to work things out, but never any action. I hate that I feel trapped, but I do. The only thing keeping me is that he’s a wonderful father to my children and I don’t have any marketable skills… I’d flounder as a single mother (which is what I was doing when I met him in the first place). And I also feel a need to stay married because I don’t think that divorce is necessarily just an option because you’re bored or have some issues… it needs to be HUGE (for me) for me to even consider it.
I let go of the Cinderella myth a long time ago. I have since realized that there is no prince charming. Maybe in the beginning you are swept off your feet. Then reality sets in and then it just becomes comfortable or I guess to some that equals boredom.
I like the book Light His Fire! It is really good.
I stopped believing the Cinderella myth when I got married 2 years ago. My husband is great, but for some reason I thought marriage was something magical and everything would fall into place smoothly and beautifully. Needless to say, there was a lot of adjusting that was a bit difficult and some we are still wrestling with today! We also had 2 babies since we’ve gotten married, so everything seems to be going at warp speed. My Prince Charming isn’t always charming, and sometimes I miss the things he used to do while we were just dating. Marriage just like life is a big balancing act. We are writing our own story our own “fairytale” that is real with struggles and frustrations along with joy and accomplishments. We are working towards our happily ever after…
I stopped believing in the Cinderella myth the moment I decided to leave my abusive boyfriend of 9 yrs. I kept hoping/dreaming/fantasizing that one day it will all fall into place, that he will wake up one day and realize all how he has treated me and apologize and ‘change’ the way he is. That the light will dawn on him and we’ll live happily ever after. Course I wrapped my head around the believe/fantasy and I stayed for another extra 2 yrs before a therapist pointed out to me that staying with him will keep enabling his behavior. Thus, a total of 9 yrs in a relationship.
My favorite marriage book is The 5 Love Languages. It really opened my eyes about a lot of stuff.
I’ve been sitting here trying to think just when I did stop believing the Cinderella myth, and I don’t think I really ever have. Maybe I didn’t have a “strong” of a belief in it as some, but I keep expecting to turn the corner and find my life replaced with a “better” one. Deep down I know that it’s never going to happen. I’m actually in a better place in my marriage than I was a couple of months ago, but marriage is just one of the many issues of the Cinderella myth for me. A beautiful, uncluttered castle, a royal accountant to make sure the bills are paid on time, a royal cook to make sure the kids actually eat a well balanced and hot meal at the same time everyday…
I guess I’ve never stopped wishing…
I suppose I should play the lottery… like that’s really going to help.
O.K., I have 2 books I’d like to mention. One book was my “personal” favorite because it spoke directly to my specific situation and the second is one that I wish everyone would read. They are; “My Husband’s Affair became the best thing that ever happened to me”, by Anne Bercht and “The Monogamy Myth” by Peggy Vaughn.
“My Husband’s Affair”, deals with the harsh reality of Anne’s husband’s affair. ( Anne goes into great detail why she called the book by it’s current title. You will appreciate her reasoning). Although it is more autobiographical, her story resonated with my story tremendously. The big turning point came in the book when Anne realized that even though her husband’s affair was completely his responsibility, events in her marriage, years leading up to the affair, came into focus. She was living her marriage the way she thought was best, without asking for any input from her husband. The affair was her husband’s failure but the faltering marriage, years before the affair ever happened, was in reality 50% her responsibility. It was easy to point the guilt finger at the “transgressor”. The crime was so clear and obvious. But her actions over 15 years was like a “death of a thousand paper cuts”. When Anne came to the epiphany that she was just as responsible for the direction her marriage had taken, her attitude changed. Anne and her husband “both” failed at their marriage. They were both responsible for its success or failure. And with open, often painful, communication, they saved their marriage.
The other book that I must mention is Peggy Vaughn’s, “The Monogamy Myth”. This book was simply amazing and I wish I had it when I first got married at 22. In fact, I think this should be mandatory reading for any “soon to be” couple. Peggy goes into wonderful detail how we as a society set ourselves up for failure when it comes to marriages. Yes, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are mentioned! “Happily Ever After” is ingrained in us from a very early age. She examines how society romanticizes “affairs” that happen with the celebrities we worship. She offers information on how to choose a marriage counselor and even more importantly, when to stop seeing one. She does offer up information on her own husband’s affairs but it is not the main thrust of her book.
I have read 13 books on marriage in the past year. These two are by far, the best that I have read.
Sincerely, Mark Jaillet ( Just a regular guy trying his best to help his marriage)
P.S. Have a wonderful Christmas season
Kristen,
Very good point! I’ve never heard the idea that “marriage is a mirror”…but I like it! I often find myself thinking, “Dang, he has such an attitude.” But then he says to me, “Why do you have to have such an attitude?”…when I didn’t think i was having an attitude at all. We respond and react to each other without even realizing that we’re doing it. Very good point! You should comment more often!
Ohhh! I want the chance to win a signed copy of your book!
The best marriage book I have read is not a traditional advice giving book. Everyone needs to read Wally Lamb’s She’s Come Undone. It follows a woman as she grows up seeing her parent’s marriage dissolve into her own disfunctional marriage. It makes you think about how your parents’ marriage effects your marriage eventually. This leads me into my next point.
When did I stop believing in the Cinderella Myth? I don’t honestly think I ever believed in a prince charming. I watched my parents struggling through my dads alcoholism when I was really little. I also watched both of my parents struggle with each other’s illnesses when I was a teen. My parents worked hard on their marriage. Neither one of my parents were prince or princess charming. So my expectation was that marriage was going to be work.
Furthermore any idea of a prince charming was shattered when my first marriage dissolved due to infidelity on his part. I swore off men for years until I found a better one. My current marriage is still work but work that is worth the time.
1. What is your favorite marriage book and why?
I purchased several marriage books back in the spring….and have read but a few of them. The ones I plan to put into action are “The Love Dare” and two books by Kathi Lipp–”The Marriage Project” and “The Husband Project”. Not sure any of the books I have are going to have the effect I desire, but my husband at this point has agreed to work through them with me.
2. When did you stop believing in the Cinderella myth and why?
Probably in the spring of this year…not that I believe my marriage was a fairy tale by any means, and my husband is certainly no prince charming (nor am I a princess)…but I did believe that I was happy, at least as I understood happy to be. However, events have happened that made me realize that not only was I not truly happy, but there are alot more issues going on in my marriage than I ever realized before. Let’s just say the book mentioned above in Mark Jaillat’s comment by Anne Bercht is among the first books I will be searching for.
And if anyone has any advice or experience to offer regarding marriages that do survive and strengthen after an affair…I am all ears.
WHAT!!!!!! Cinderella is a Myth? Say it ain’t so!!!
Ron
Hi everyone–I’ve picked the giveaway winners for the Project: Happily Ever After books. They are: Julie, Alissa, Tabatha, Candace, and Pennie. I will be in touch with you soon to get your addresses. I hope to have books in hand to mail out as soon as next week. Thanks for commenting!