Someone wrote to me recently. She’s been with this guy for three years and everything is great. But there’s this one problem. There’s no chemistry.
She’s trying to decide if she should stay with him or whether she should break things off because of the chemistry issue.
I wrote back something that was probably annoying as all get out. It was this, “How much does it bother you that you don’t have chemistry?”
I asked that because I was thinking, “Hey, if the guy is perfect in every other way, it sounds as if you’ve got a lot of nirvana going on.”
Most of us have some sort of idea of what we think the perfect marriage is like. This idea is probably shaped by shows like Leave it to Beaver as well as by friends who—on the surface—seem to have seemingly perfect marriages. In our minds, many of us assume that in a perfect marriage:
- The sex is always hot.
- There are no arguments because there are no misunderstandings.
- The house is clean, the bills are paid, the kids are fed, the homework is done, the permission slips are signed, the PTA meetings and parent teacher conferences are attended, no one’s feet smell like mold, the clothes are washed and folded and put away, the paychecks are regular, bedtime stories have been read, everyone’s had their quality time AND no one feels overwhelmed or resentful.
- There are no secrets.
- There are no trust issues.
- They are just as in love now as they were the day they met.
- The conversations that take place during the dinner hour are just riveting.
- Both spouses are attracted to one another.
- No one has a wandering eye.
- They can’t keep their hands off each other.
- The in-laws are lovely.
- He brings her flowers every Friday.
- She wakes each morning and blows him, just because she loves him that much.
- If anyone’s funeral has been planned, it’s only because someone has been thinking ahead and taking care of such things and not because someone really wishes she or he had a funeral to plan.
I’m guessing that this isn’t your marriage because, if it was, you would not be reading articles on my site. I’m fairly certain that this does not describe ANY marriage, though. Sure, some marriages might have some or most of the above mentioned bullets. But I doubt there is a marriage in the world that has all of them.
Because I talk openly about my marriage, most people are comfortable talking to me about theirs. Let me tell you: most of the people I once thought had perfect marriages really don’t have perfect marriages at all.
I have yet to meet two people in a perfect marriage. I’ve met plenty of people who have good marriages. But perfect marriages? No.
It’s my firm belief that the perfect marriage is a big fat myth, and searching for the perfect person or the perfect marriage is like searching for a unicorn.
Yet we all want that unicorn, don’t we? We pine for it, and the elusive nature of it makes us feel downright pissed off at times, doesn’t it?
That why I think it helps to be aware of such disappointments and to tell ourselves things like, “I might not have ______, but thank goodness I do have _____.”
Or, as my Buddhism teacher says whenever she’s trying to help us understand the idea of patient acceptance: Everything is exactly as it should be. Nothing should be any different than the way it is.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t strive to grow closer or improve our marriages.
No, I’m not saying that at all.
I’m only saying that if you stop chasing after that unicorn, you might find that you already have a very nice horse in the stall—and that horse will take you right where you need to go.
What do you think about that?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I think I want that unicorn, LOL
I don’t know why she’s stayed with him so long if it is a problem. I think many relationships start because of the chemistry and then build on that.
Chasing perfection … chasing unicorns … chasing *God*. I wonder where that NEED comes from.
I appreciate your Buddhist teaching references. I think you should input more of them into your blogs, if applicable.
Hmmm maybe in the beggining we all had great chemistry. Then something deluded the elixer………LIFE….LOL Just kidding. But we all go through up & down phases. In the case of my beloved & I, I can say at first the chemistry was amazing. But over the last couple of years not so much. BUT it doesn’t change a bit on how I feel toward her. I don’t know if it was caused by her illness & lack of intimacy it caused or if it was just life being life.
I still love her heart & soul. I think it just matured into a more abiding, sustainable type of devotion & love on both our parts. We all remember that early chemically, hormone induced, lustful, new love stuff. Over time that fades & should be replaced by something that is sustainable long term. That early phase isn’t sustainable long term. Hopefully my beloved & I are there & will continue to grow.
Ron
Oh & I would wonder if that chemistry was never there, then how did the relationship get this far? Or did it grow past that phase & maybe never developed? In my first marriage I can’t recall having that great chemistry between us. But she was a wonderful person & that is what I fell in love with. She had many wonderful qualities. That is so hard to come accross in a person that I overlooked the lack of chemistry. Could be true with this, but who knows?
Ron
What is great chemistry???? I would have never thought I’d hit it off with my hubby – he’s fair, as in light hair, very white skin – I went for dark guys – hair and possibly skin (at least olive like me). But nope, I fell for my hubby. Because the first time I met him (when I was actually engaged to someone else), I could banter with him. I need that. I need humor. I need a guy that when we meet the second time, when I’m no longer engaged and he meets me with my “twin sister” (my friend that brings out the wildest parts of me and vice versa) he’s not afraid of the antics I can pull.
Maybe that’s great chemistry. Who wants perfect? I know I don’t. Yes, I’d rather not fight with my hubby. But we aren’t identical. We don’t see life the same way. And I think the massive fight we had on Sunday because he so messed up my birthday (again), may have actually brought us closer. I’m getting better at telling him exactly what is going on with me.
“How much does that matter to you” is the perfect question. I’ll leave the unicorn to virgins and love my stallion as he is!
I think you need some chemistry to start and maintain a relationship. When I look at my hubby I still feel the chemistry between us. Just yesterday he was fitted for a tux(our daughter is getting married) He was so handsome. The lady fitting him even mentioned how good he looked in the tux. I was so struck by how handsome he looked that all I could think about was what do they charge for damage if the buttons are missing when we return this thing. LOL!!!! I think chemistry is what keeps love alive. Drummer guy I think you still have chemistry with your beloved it is just different now.
I’d be curious what this person’s definition of “chemistry” is. Is it “I can’t keep my hands off you and just want to rip your clothes off when I see you!” or, like Kathy said, “I can relax and be myself with him and laugh and banter and it’s so easy and effortless.” To me, the first kind of chemistry changes during the course of a long-term relationship… and I know I’m not the only one who thinks/feels this way. This was a big part of my engagement anxiety so I’ve worked through a lot of it. One of my best girlfriends has one of those marriages that I envied for a long time… things seemed easy and effortless for them. But, over the years, I realize that things aren’t always like that with her. And from her, someone who seemed to have more “sexual chemistry” than me, I heard, “I miss that stage of not being able to keep your hands off each other.” So, it happens.
But what comes in its place is, in my opinion, a much deeper, solid, amazing thing. The trust, loyalty, understanding, admiration that comes instead is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. Even when things seem rough, knowing that my husband knows me as well as he does… well, it’s THAT quality that attracts me to him. It’s that when I’m busy doing something outside of work that I love, but that takes a lot of my time, he keeps the home kept up. It’s that he supports me no matter what while trying to figure out how to better our lives by advancing his career. It’s knowing he’d do what he can to make me laugh during a day. It’s him suggesting a “dinner date” when we both actually have a weeknight free. It’s being able to look at him from across a crowded room and know he’s getting the joke I’m thinking about in my mind. Those are the kinds of things that attribute to the chemistry I now have with my husband.
“Chasing the unicorn” can spiral quickly and can almost be like an addiction. Chasing a high of “new love” is dangerous because “new love” is always exciting. But, “true love” (not in the Hollywood, romantic, “love at first sight” sense, but in the “he knows me inside and out and is still here” sense) is so rewarding it’s not worth losing for something that MIGHT be out there.
I guess “chemistry” is different things to different people. In the beginning of a relationship, the lust may be the “glue” that keeps you interested. But then, like all things, this too is temporary or at best, waxes and wanes with the stresses of life. For my husband and I, after many years together, the chemistry is in the deep understanding of each other. In the beginning, it was like Elmer’s water based school glue and now, it’s like 2 part Epoxy…. what a bond! hahahahaha
I think chemistry is important. It can be re-built later on after years of domestic bliss–but it’s hard to re-build if it wasn’t there to begin with. I think chemistry is not only sexual, it’s two personalities and things like that–it’s important to me. I’m not saying the chemistry has to be on fire or there all the time (that’s not realistic anyway), but it does need to be there to SOME extent, in a romantic relationship. Otherwise, why not just be friends and leave it at that? This is just my opinion.
As for the rest of the post, I whole heartedly agree! NO ONE has the perfect marriage and again, as I always say–the ONLY two people who know what’s going on a marriage–are the two people in it. I’ve stopped comparing my marriage to the marriage of others, I now decide what makes ME happy and what is right for US. I know the difference between that and elduing so some perfect marriage myth–that you’re right–does not exist. What is normal and right for my me and husband is probably not normal or right for the next couple.
The perfect marriage is a lot like the perfect life–it happens on occassion for a day or two and then reality sets in. There are perfect moments, perfect times, perfect seasons–but overall, life is not perfect. And how boring would it be if it were? If everything was perfect and always the way we wanted it, or planned it, we would NEVER learn a thing and we’d never have a chance to grow.
That is honestly my opinion.
That being said, I LOVED the part about taking a look at the horse in the stall–brilliantly clever!
Great post, Alisa, as always! Thanks!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I think this is one of my favorite Blogs you have ever wrote. I have been married for a little over 2 years & am just starting to realize exactly your point here. By just realizing this, it has made my marriage a LOT better. Just last night my husband pissed me off & I fell asleep plotting his death. But just by knowing that no unicorn exists, it is easier to forgive & move on. Instead of urning for some thing that doesn’t exist, I can now see clearly that what I have with my husband is perfect for us & I wouldn’t trade it for a perfect marriage. If everything in our marriage was perfect, there would be nothing to develop, discover or explore & that doesn’t sound like much of a fun life to me =0) I have always said that the glass is half empty & half full, because two half’s make a whole. With out bad there isn’t good & you would never truly appreciate & enjoy the good, if you don’t know what bad feels like & it was good all the time =0)
My experience has lead me to understand through others teachings, that you can “make love”. Mort Fertel, a marriage coach, speaks about this concept much better than I would be able to for others. But suffice it to say, if you give and give of yourself (unconditionally and from the heart) you will begin to feel the love that normally wanes after a few years in every relationship (tristing stage) and in essence you have an opportunity to fall in love again and again. When you stop trying, courting, or sharing your intimacy (emotional and physical too) then your missing out on what is right infront of you. Try it. What can it hurt?
You are so smart, Alisa. And so right on. And younger than me! How did you get so much wisdom?
This is my favorite sentence of this blog post: “I’m only saying that if you stop chasing after that unicorn, you might find that you already have a very nice horse in the stall—and that horse will take you right where you need to go.”
= Sheer brilliance.
I can’t wait to read your book!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..On How Painful Revising Your Writing Can Be
I’ve been recognizing the importance of valuing what you have in front of you! I think I spent years lamenting what my DH was not, rather than seeing what was there that we can, and should, try to work with. what an insightful post as always, Alisa!
Christine´s last [type] ..Picture books
A perfect marriage would be boring, wouldn’t it? I think you’re right that we often don’t recognize what we have–but like others I’m wondering what the person means by chemistry? Together for three years, he’s great, but no chemistry? I have to say I think a relationship would be tough without a little chemistry. Maybe you’re on to something that it’s there but she just doesn’t recognize it?
MyKidsEatSquid´s last [type] ..Calzones take two–dessert raspberry ricotta
My husband and I are going on 20 years of marriage. Not easy. He makes me crazy. I get frustrated with him. I yell. We fight. There are days I just want to BE ALONE. But no sleep and three young children on top of a marriage will do that to a person.
I remind myself of all the reasons that I was attracted to him in the first place (not jealous, let’s me be my own person, never questions any decision I make, and says, “sounds great” to any of my ideas) and realize that those are the things bugging me today (he’s not interested in what I’m doing, why doesn’t he want to help me with these decisions, doesn’t he care about what I’m doing, etc, etc). Does that mean I wasn’t looking for the right guy? No. It means I’m stressed out and looking for a target to bitch at. I laughed once when I told a friend, “The thing I love about D is that he lets me do whatever the hell I want. The problem with D is that he lets me do whatever the hell I want.”
He’s the only one for me. I could not imagine myself wanting anyone other than who I have. While we have our days of angst.. but we really are perfect together. When it comes to having fun–we really do that very well together.
Claudine´s last [type] ..Never Tell A Lie
What a wise post, Alisa. Yes, sometimes we are so busy looking into the distance that we fail to see what is right in front of us.
Sheryl´s last [type] ..Epilepsy and Your Hormones
Sometimes people stay in relationships out of habit, which is no good, but there *must* be something going for that couple described above if they’ve stayed together for three years. Maybe they *do* have chemistry, but it’s not the kind of fireworks you see in movies. Well, fireworks end quickly, but a slow-burning fire lasts a lot longer. Great post, Alisa!
Seriously – could you have her define her idea of chemistry? Like Natalie, Drummer Guy, Kathy, etc., I think some sort of chemistry is necessary to get past the initial stage of any relationship. Sense of humor, immediate “understanding” of each other, even just a shared passion of Audrey Hepburn movies – all of these things are just as important as sexual attraction IMHO.
Casey´s last [type] ..GUEST POST- It’s Pumpkin Risotto- Charlie Brown
What a lovely and smart post, Alisa. You’re doing a world of good to make people look at their lives and relationships from a different angle.
Ruth Pennebaker´s last [type] ..The Sound of One Mouth Flapping
I just love reading what you write! It makes me think about my marriage in a different way. I have great chemistry with my husband most of the time. This post made me think of something but I can’t remember who to attribute it too. “Marriage is not falling out of love at the same time.” I know there have been a couple of times I didn’t feel love for my husband but he still loved me. I also know that there have been a couple times he hasn’t been in love with me but I still loved him. As long as one of us still loves the other it will work. I think the same thing can be said of chemistry.
What a great way to articulate a common issue – searching for a unicorn! I’ve read a few times that tv and the movies have a lot to answer for in that they usually portray an unrealistic view of marriage and relationships, and unfortunately many people end up being dissatisfied with what they have because it’s not like what they see in the movies, or the snapshots they get of their friends marriages.
When my former wife was planning to move out of the marriage she actually said that one of the reasons she was going was because our marriage wasn’t like her parents, or my brother and sister-in-laws! Ultimately, that was the issue – she has such an unrealistic view of marriage, and all she could see was what she percieved as negatives, rather than the positives. She had an affair and is still dating that same person, but I suspect she’s found that the perfection she thought she’d found with someone else is not quite so rosy!
Yes – “Searching for a Unicorn” is a great way to put it! Would be a great title for a book!
I love that last quote – “I’m only saying that if you stop chasing after that unicorn, you might find that you already have a very nice horse in the stall—and that horse will take you right where you need to go.”
It’s so hard to decide if chemistry is an issue. Have you heard the Lily Allen song Not Fair? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYzlMCNOE64
Stephanie – Wasabimon´s last [type] ..Lemon Verbena Macaron Recipe