A Post that Was Requested by Readers
It’s lonely and frustrating, isn’t it? Here you are reading every single post that I write. You might even be reading marital improvement books and other blogs. Maybe you are also doing individual counseling.
The point, though, is this: You’re the one who is putting in all of the effort. Your spouse might be accommodating to some degree. For instance, if you push the matter, you know you could get your spouse’s rear end into a chair at a counselor’s office.
But your spouse doesn’t put in any extra effort. Your spouse doesn’t read marriage blogs or books or come up with novel ideas of how to improve things.
As far as marital improvement goes, it’s all you.
Right about now you might be getting a little excited. You might be thinking, “F-i-n-a-l-l-y Alisa is going to provide me with that magical formula that will transform my spouse into someone who wants to work on and save this marriage as badly as I do!”
Sorry. I’m going to disappoint.
I am because I don’t think that magical formula exists. If anyone knows of such a formula and wants to prove me wrong, I welcome that. I’d like to know the formula, too! So leave a comment and tell us all about it.
I would love such a formula, as I’ve been the main instigator of change in my marriage, too. But I’m not holding my breath. Bad things happen when I hold my breath. Well, that’s not really true, but let’s get back to the discussion at hand.
Here’s my advice for this situation.
Step 1: Understand it.
Some people are leaders and others are followers. Some people are active and others are passive. Some people are problem solvers and others are problem ignorers. In your marriage, you are the former of these descriptions and your spouse is probably the latter.
It’s just the way it is. Whining about it isn’t going to get you to happy. Try to patiently accept the situation and move on.
Step 2: Trade fair for happy.
It’s not fair that you are doing all of the work to save your marriage. It really does bite, doesn’t it?
That said, the longer you fixate on fairness, the longer it will take you to save your marriage. The issue of fairness is a roadblock that prevents you from seeing solutions. Whenever you find yourself whining about fairness, ask yourself, “What do I really want? Do I want this to be fair, or do I want to be happy?” I’m guessing that you want to be happy. To get to happy, you’re going to have to assume the position of leader. It’s not fair, but it’s just the way it is.
Step 3: Think of marital improvement as a dance.
It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. It’s not a “let’s see who gets to the finish line first.” And it’s definitely not a “I’m going to toss you into a fireman’s carry and drag you to where I want you to go” situation, either.
But we often look at it that way. I know I did.
To truly get to a better place, though, you’ll want to think of marital improvement as a dance. You are in the lead. You step one way. Your spouse follows. You step another way. Your spouse follows.
Find the courage and selflessness to be the person who initiates change. Lead your partner to happily ever after.
Step 4: Notice every step in the right direction.
This is important because it will help you to release your attachment to the idea of fairness. Whenever you make the smallest amount of progress, notice it. Savor it. Write it down. Remember it. This will help you to continually see that things are getting better and that your hard work is paying off.
Additional Reading
If you read this post looking for information about what to do when a spouse has given up on the marriage (and won’t try at all), consider reading one of the following related posts.
I love you, but I’m not in love with you
How to get a spouse to fall back in love
How to tell if your relationship can be salvaged?
Please Cast Your Vote!
I’ve completed slightly more than half of the You Get What You Asked for Posts. I’m finding that this series is sometimes popular and sometimes not so much. I’m also finding that I’ve allowed too much time to elapse between starting the series and writing the posts. I guess you could say that I’ve lost the inspiration to write some of them.
So I’ve listed the remaining topics in the following poll. (If you are reading on email, please click on the headline to get to the actual blog. That way you can cast your vote.) I’d like to know how many of you are interested in what topics. I’d also love if you would inspire me a bit by telling me why you want me to write about certain ones. Thanks for your help!
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
i have a suspicion that i am giving my marriage another try, so the topics i chose will help me work through some issues we will be faced with, esp. since we will be starting from scratch.
At our last marriage counseling session the counselor asked Ray if he wanted to still be married. Ray said unequivocally yes. Then she said will Joanne is interacting on a blog about marriage, reading books, changing her habits, etc.etc. “What are you doing to improve the marriage?”
Ray said he had no problems with the marriage. After much discussion she asked him the second time if he wanted to be married and he finally said mostly. She asked what percentage and he said 70%. She thought about that for a few minutes then looked at him and said ” Do you realize how close that 30% is to costing you your marriage?”
He came home and really thought about that. Next morning he woke me up to the sweetest love I’ve ever known and then he voluntarily asked me for his daily marriage devotional I’ve been giving him.
I know this might be TMI but the purpose is to show that yes sometimes someone has to take the lead , sometimes deal alone with the anguish, and try everything you can think of before you find the one thing, the one epiphany that will turn things around and get your partner actively engaged in saving the marriage with you.
I have to believe that at the end of the day a really good marriage will be worth all the effort.
needed to hit the button
The beauty of so many of your posts is that many points apply to relationships other than marriage, too.
Joanne– I thought that was beautiful. Definitely not TMI. Great story and it’s a great question (set of questions really) for couples to consider.
Joanne not TMI at all
Now if you had taken pictures or video & posted it, then maybe TMI …LOL Although you could make a bunch of money on the internet with it. HA! Just one hitch. It may cause serious performance anxiety for Ray…… I crack me up!!! 
Honestly though I thought it was touching & uplitfing to all us married folks. You know my beloved & I are praying for you both & we are rooting for ya. Oh & since you rocked his world, or he rocked yours, or both then you both qualify for a YOU ROCK!!!
YIPPIEEEEEE!!!!!!
Wow I was actually surprised about the poll results. Some I thought would be at the top weren’t. Shows what I know huh?..HA! I really enjoyed this Alisa. You do ROCK ya know?
While my current marriage isn’t in any trouble I can so relate to this in my first one. In that case it was kind of strange in that we would swing from me doing all the work, then giving up to her doing all the work. Probably not the norm though. I have known several couples that go to different extremes as well. One lady was the one who in her mind did all the work but pushed it to the extreme, became extremely demanding, degraded her husband for doing what in her view was not enough. Finally her husband reached the point of her pushing that he finally just left.
Now from the oputside that may look like “how could he just leave” or why didn’t he want to participate”. BUT I knew them both very well. He was a really great guy to her. The problem was no matter what he ever did in anything, not just the marriage counseling, it was never going to be enough. She was so demanding to him. That is something I observed not just heard him say. The problems were so very minor in nature but she was the type to really overreact in everything. The husband forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, then obviously he doesn’t love me & he needs to go into counseling NOW!!!!! He gets a email from his ex about his kids then he must be having an affair!!!! Kind of get the picture? I guess the saying that you can lead a horse to water thing is so true. Just ad to it you can push the horse in the water & he will get out to keep from drowning…..LOL
I have also seen it to a much lesser degree where one spouse thinks they are the only one doing the work. But may be a case of he/she is trying but just can’t measure up to the others perception of what really trying is. Does that make any sense? I know that isn’t the case with most people. I guess what I mean in all that rambling is, is it possible to try so hard that we can push the other away by demanding they do more. I think sometimes people just have totally different views as to whether there really is a problem. Just an interesting thought.
I am sure it must be a horrible thing in the cases where the two really have issues & one or the other is totally unwilling to work on them. Makes one wonder if they have already checked out. If so what to do? I love the points you made Alisa. I am sure many times unless it is something really serious (abuse etc) that one really can make a difference. Like you say some are leaders & some are followers. I imagine it would be hard to know when to draw the line between this needs to be changed or when this isn’t going to change so I better cope. EXCELLENT Post Alisa
Alisa- You really need to consider doing a marriage devotional. I am running out of ideas. Since it is just for Ray I can borrow from alot of the books I am reading because copyright isn’t an issue and I can cull out stuff that doesn’t necessarily pertain to us, like child raising, we are past that. I don’t have to worry about copyrights because no one else will ever see them, but you could come up with original stuff. 365 little thoughts for the day to better your relationship. You could do it. Ray reads his during his morning break, and he usually talks about it when he gets home to me. It opens up alot of discussion and Ray really isn’t much of a talker.
Opps I missed a few points at the end of this post. I scrolled down after the poll…..DUH!!! So some of my comments were WAY off base. I’m such a goof & Alisa…..YOU ROCK!!!….
Okay this should be some of my last comments on this one. I guess I really should FULLY read before commenting..LOL Maybe then I will Rock…LOL But as for the poll & why I would love to see some subjects. Actually I think they are all good subjects but if I had to pick a few & why…..Hmmmmmm
1)Stress & Marriage, How to Navigate Tough Times: Wow that would be a GREAT one that everybody can relate to. Pretty much everybody here knows the many struggles my beloved & I have been through with her illness. They have somewhat of an idea as to the financial stresses it causes. Although I don’t go into details. It is partially pride. You know that whole “I have to be a good man & that means being a good provider” thing. I know old, fashioned & pride is never a good thing but I really struggle with even talking about it except in the most vague terms. Anyway I love that one Alisa not just for myself but I think it is probably something everybody here deals with.
2)Passive Aggression: Why?? Because I really don’t understand the term…See I told ya I am a goof….LOL You would think having an MDiv (Masters in Divinity) & all the psychology & counseling classes required for that I would remember. Killed to many brain cells in the 70′s-80′s maybe?? That’s my story & I am sticking to it again..HA!
3) What to do about a procrastinating spouse: Uhh you know upon further consideration we can address that one latter…HA!!! Sorry Alisa I couldn’t resist.. Actually I am that spouse. Perhaps I could pass on some tips to my beloved. Hey I’m always willing to improve.
4) Abusive Relationships, Sings & Advice: I think that could really benefit a lot of people who may be living with that right now. I saw it a lot in my short tenure as a cop in the A F. It’s a TERRIBLE thing for anybody to be in & any way you could help would be wonderful.
5) Sex addiction: Mainly because I did a term paper on it at school. It was really interesting. Also because I think it has become an excuse for some people to justify really bad behavior. Yes it is a real condition but if somebody really has it they display a lot of symptoms that aren’t there in just an affair. I see by the poll though that one may not make the cut…LOL
Anyway that would be my top 5. I am sure others have some great top list too. I am really looking forward to reading whatever makes the cut.
Keep on Rockin
Ron
Joanne what is a marriage devotional? That sounds like something I could do with my beautiful bride. I am sure she would enjoy it. I know I would.
Thanks
Ron
What is a “marriage devotional”?
Back to the blog: This couldn’t have been better timing, Alisa, as you know.
My marriage is on hold until further notice. I’m giving it 5 months on hold. Then it needs to be reevaluated at that time. Hubby is too stressed with work and can’t or won’t focus on our marriage at this time. Thankfully, he’s not sorry that he married me and he’s not asking for a divorce.
In the meantime, I’m not giving him anything (reasons) to throw in the towel in 5 months. I’m going to get myself busy with crafts and weight loss and hanging with my “sisters” (women’s group).
Regarding the topics in the poll: Stress: my interest in this is what to do when one spouse is stressed and “drifts away” – not cheating, but isn’t engaged in the marriage mentally.
Control issues: I don’t need another father. What is over controlling as in “should be on alert”? Besides the obvious of being a doormat is acquiescing being a doormat or is that being the bigger person in the marriage?
Drummer Guy, you crack us all up.
Drummer Guy- I’m sure you have heard of a daily devotional used by Christians as a way to each day center themselves on a short re;igious meditation, a life lesson, scripture verse or whatever. Well, at the end of June in Alisa’s blog she put a link to a free copy of “Love Everyday” which she contributed to. They were short one page, takes maybe 5 minutes to read relationship issues and I thought that was perfect for Ray because he won’t read anymore than one or two pages at a time. So each morning when Ray kissed me goodbye I gave him one page to take with him and I asked him to read it during the day as a gift to me. He has and has actually really enjoyed it because I have stopped trying to “have meaningful discussions” constantly about our marriage, kind of taking the pressure off him and he started to talk to me about that days marriage page.
Sooooooooo I thought that a daily devotional would be great since the “Love Everyday” download was only 20 some odd pages , I have started to create my own using the same format but I am sure Alisa could do a much better job and I think lots of people would benefiy from a one year marriage devotional, 365 daily little marriage enrichment thoughts.
Kathy- Sorry to hear it, stress can be so debilitating , I know. I am glad you are sticking with it. Sometimes you just need to take one day at a time and take care of you.
Taking leadership dovetails nicely with the question: what does the marriage need? As opposed to, what do I need/want?
Joanne, that is a great idea! I really think that something like that might help my marriage, if only in a small way – anything, right now, is helpful! Could you tell me where I could find those “Marriage Devotionals”?
I love your posts, and while I am not yet married but engaged for 3 years now on a holding pattern to truly commit after being married for 11 years to a man who tried but was not able to embrace being healthy.
I find that in today’s age as we focus on second marriages that we have a tendency to leave potions of our lives out, through either shame or the chance to start anew. I am in that quandry now as my fiance has lied to me about his past and through innocent research on my part I found the truth. After all who expects to find on Ancestry.com as you are building a family tree that your potential spouse has lied to you about how many times he has been married, last thing I expected.
I would love some articles and interactive blogs from you and those who are faced with a second marriage and how much you should focus on the past circumstances or relationships that your potential significant other has had. Truth be told, he withheld the truth with the thoughts that I wouldn’t want him if he had already been married 3 times, but now in light of the lie, I ask myself how do you know what is real?
Thanks so much for having such an insightful website that embodies Buddhism and love, two things I hold close to my heart. I will continue to share it with others…..
Hi Alisa,
Out of the posts mentioned above the one I’d really like to see is the doormat post. I have problems with this – not just in my relationship, but generally. My partner has been great about trying to help me overcome them in other relationships (dealing with my boss/coworkers & friends) but then I frequently find myself being a doormat when he and I disagree.
I have trouble differentiating between when to “pick your battles” and when it’s just giving up.
Melissa´s last [type] ..Because We All Get Rained On Sometimes
Thanks Joanne. I’ll have to find that post & print them. I used to get a Christian daily devotional thing called “Our Daily Bread”. A marriage devotional is a great idea & something my beloved & I could probably benefit from. Thanks for the help
Ron
i’d love to comment something thoughtful and meaningful… however to night is a draft or bottled beer night (for the funeral)
maybe jello shots….
daisies or carnations… or roses….
i’m stopping now. I shall return tomorrow… when i have slept and thought about it. I mean have gotten over this moment.
Guess it also comes down to the different ways we feel loved (is the book ‘The Five Love Languages’?), so BOTH partners may feel they are the one doing the work to improve the marriage and are oblivious to the others efforts. As an example my main one is ‘acts of service’ – in other words I do things for my partner to show love. However, this may not have much meaning, so while I’m doing ‘acts of service’ until the cows come home, they might be resenting the fact and that I don’t love them because I’m not buying gifts, or whatever it is that makes them feel loved. In the book by Allan Peace ‘Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps’ it goes into the issues of women and men think and act differently, and this can also be part of the disconnect (I certainly know it was in my failed marriage!). Life isn’t fair or equitable, and we all need to realise that while you may be doing more of the ‘heavy lifting’ today, your partner might be the one doing that tomorrow.
Personally, I’m looking forward to the one on passive-aggressive behaviour, because from reading info and talking to a counsellor I believe my ex-wifes emotional immaturity was often displayed as passive aggressive behaviour once she’d fallen out of infatuation with me. Still lots to learn about this though so hope this does get covered.
Bern thanks for putting up that book, (Why men don’t listen & women don’t read road maps). I have always found human behavior interesting. Sounds like it would be a good read. Soon as the budget allows for books I may pick that one up. Is it available at book stores or did you order it online?
Drummer Guy – I live in New Zealand and bought it at a Borders Bookstore. However, I know you can buy online through Amazon for a few dollars. The authors, Allan and Barbara Pease, are Australians, and the full title is “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”. It’s a new take on the book that was published many years ago called “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” (John Grey), but I reckon more ‘user friendly’ to read and without the ego of the author. It really covers the differences between how men and women think and act, and certainly was an eye opener for me.
When I bought and read it I was still married and I said to my then wife that this book couldn’t have been more about us if it had had our names in the title. I encouraged her to read it, but by then she didn’t want to hear any other evidence other than I was the cause of all her unhappiness, etc, etc. Oh, well, her loss!
Thank you very much, Alisa, for writing on my request. Just wanted to fill you in on progress since my request; perhaps it may help others in a similar situation. I’m learning that although it sometimes appears on the surface that I’m the only one trying, there is indeed changes happening in him that just take time to appear. The key to this though is my consistent, respectful requests of my needs and sharing of my feelings. The less I assert myself, the less changes happen. At first, his efforts were so small, so infrequent at first. I’d make a request and it would take ages before he’d even acknowledge it. But much to my surprise, he would indeed be thinking about it, and when I’d least expect it, he’d act on my request. And other times, the changes would happen so quickly, one after another in a big flurry.
When this began, I guess I hoped these changes would just ‘begin’ and to continue regularly, on an upward trend until our life was filled with passion, connectedness and that ‘things are right in the world’ feeling again. Well, I’m slowly realizing that it’s just not going to happen like that. There’s days of such remarkable progress and connection it makes me almost dizzy. And then for a long time after that, things slide, our old patterns appear and discouragement clouds my head and heart. I’ve finally been able to forgive a lot of past hurts, which helps me feel optimistic when I’m able to.
But there’s still a nagging worry I have, deep down, that perhaps we really would have been better off with different people. I fear that the types of people we are, no matter how much work we do to reconnect, we’ll always be different enough that the communication never comes really ‘easily’; there’s always be a touch of awkwardness. I know my therapist says that communication is all behavioural – ie, it’s all changeable. But I still wonder. I guess time will tell. I know there’s enough good here I need to keep trying; I just hope I’m doing the right thing for myself; for him. Thanks for your blog. I’ll continue working at it, and learning from wonderful resources like yours. Take care.
Hopeful,
Wow. It hit home with me when you said “But there’s still a nagging worry I have, deep down, that perhaps we really would have been better off with different people.” I am right there with you. I often wonder why we picked each other. Do I love this man? Yes. Do I like him? Quite often, no. It is hard. But to be truthful, if I were to meet him somewhere today for the first time, would I even want to be his friend? I really don’t think so. And I don’t know what to do with that.
Alisa, thank you for your blog. You make me smile
So where can we find Alisa’s marriage devotionals?
Alice & Hopeful – get a couple of books by an author called Harville Hendrix, called “Getting The Love You Want” and the follow-up “Receiving Love”, as I think this will make it crystal clear about why we end up with the people we do in long term relationships. I struggled with this very question when my then wife decided to end our marriage, and my current partner got these books for us to read together. It really helped to reconcile and understand the past and move on. In your cases it sounds like it’s not too late, and hopefully the information in these books will be a real eye-opener and show you the way forward with your marriages. Good luck!
Alice – gosh I’m sorry to hear you’re in ‘that place’ too. Do you have a support system? Seeing a marriage counselor? It has sure helped me, even though my husband has refused to come. Primarily, so far it’s taught me that it’s ok (and necessary) to ask for AND create the changes I want in my marriage and life.
So thank you for suggesting those books Bern, and offering the encouragement – makes such a difference staying optimistic through the tough times.
GREAT posts here.
@Joanne…on target with your TMI, lol. I am living in that right now. So, reading your response really helps me focus even more.
@Alisa…I’m starting to notice every step in the right direction – thanks!!!
I’m reading the “Love Everyday” e-book as we speak. I definitely could use that marriage devotional book too.
One day at a time, that’s what I keep telling myself.
*In the whiniest voice known to man* But I don’t want to be the leader! I want him to take the initiative!
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I suppose it’s important to accept my husband is indeed more of a follower than I am. I mean I know that, but I haven’t been doing a whole lot to accept it. He is working, and he does want to sustain our marriage. I just observe I am working harder, and sometimes that annoys the hell out of me. But, really what can I do? It’s like you said. If I have to bust my tail and experience some unfairness to have a good marriage, and if I really want that marriage more than I want what is fair, then I must endure.
Well, 3 of the 4 things I voted for were in the Top 5, so I suppose I will be reading about them. I am glad.