AKA
If You Think This Has Nothing to Do With Marriage, You’re Wrong.
Recently someone asked me if I thought she should start a blog. She’d read here at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com about how my blog has bought me much happiness. She thought a blog might do the same for her.
This is what I wrote back:
I do feel that we all have a calling in life. Once you find yours, your life will have so much more meaning. A blog might be that calling. Your calling might be something else. But the point is this: the process of finding your calling is a lot like trying to find the light switch in a dark room. You have to feel around on the walls for a long time until one of your hands passes over it.
You might not refer to this as a “calling.” Seth Godin, the marketing genius, refers to it as “your art.” You might simply call it “that thing that defines me and makes all of my cells happy.” Or maybe it’s your life purpose.
The point is that there is something that you are good at and that only you are good at. It’s your gift. And once you discover this gift and share it with others, you will feel whole and your life will be filled with meaning.
But, you ask, “What does this have to do with marriage?”
I’ve made a casual study of people who seem to have found their callings versus people who have not. The people who have found their callings tend to be much happier. They also tend to expect less from their partners and from marriage. They are also less likely to be paralyzed by fear. They stand up for themselves in marriage because they know that they will not shrivel up and die without their partners. Yes, the loss of a partner would hurt and yes it would not be an ideal situation. But they have a purpose, and this purpose transcends all hardship.
On the other hand, I’ve noticed that people who are not defined by a calling tend to live through others. They look to their spouses and other people in their lives for happiness. And, without a purpose to define them, they tend to attach meaning to meaningless pursuits. They get bent out of shape, for instance, about their living room furniture.
You can argue with my observations. They are not scientific by any means.
Assuming you think that I am onto something here, my advice for finding your calling is as follows:
- Your calling is not about prestige or money or fame. If you think a particular vocation is your calling simply because you want to tell people that’s what you do for a living, it’s probably not a calling. For instance, I hear from many people who tell me, “I’ve always wanted to be a writer.” When I ask, “Why aren’t you writing?” I usually hear any number of excuses ranging from “no one will pay me to do it” to “I don’t know what to write about.” If the words are not pouring out of your soul and you are not willing to put those words on paper (or a computer screen) until someone pays you, writing is probably not your calling.
- Callings are generous. That’s why we refer to them as “gifts.” They are designed to be shared with others.
- You probably already know your calling, but some part of you thinks that it’s silly or stupid or impossible or not-important-sounding-enough.
- You’ll need some courage to follow your calling because callings can get you into trouble. Callings have gotten religious figures killed. They’ve put people in jail, and they’ve gotten people fired. Yet I doubt anyone has ever regretted following a calling.
- Callings are not empty. If your calling brings sadness, confusion and emptiness to your life, it’s probably not your calling. Rather, it’s probably something that you wanted to be a calling – possibly because you thought it would make people like you or make you seem important.
- Callings change. It’s possible to fulfill a calling during your lifetime. When that happens, it’s time to discover another calling.
- Your calling might not save the world. It might not be something that will get chronicled in the history books. But it will save you, and that is important.
- Your calling is about you. It’s the one thing that you can offer the world that no one else can offer.
- Only you can find your calling. Only you can believe in your calling, too. If you wait for others to believe in your calling for you, you might end up waiting a lifetime. That would be a shame.
Do you think having a calling can improve your marriage and other relationships? Do you have advice for people who are looking for more meaning in their lives? Do you believe in callings? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautifully said, Alisa (as usual). So few people address the connection between internal contentment and the strength of one’s relationships; perhaps if we worked on ourselves more, we’d need to work less on our relationships, marital and otherwise.
This site contributes so much to the world. I hope you consider it one of your callings, because you really do help people.
Great post Alisa. I am one that has had some “changed callings. I am a seminary graduate. I thought for sure that was my calling until divorce changed that. So that wasn’t it…lol I guess if I had to define a calling right now it would be as a caregiver. May seem like a strange calling but I don’t believe most situations we find our self in are by accident. So maybe that is what I am called to do. Music in some ways is a calling for me. I play in my band for fun. Lord knows it isn’t for the money…lol So that part of music isn’t much of a calling. But I also play for my church which ads joy to the lives of others. That I would define as more of a calling. This post really makes me look inward to examine this more.
I so agree that we can’t find real happiness in the lives of others. Be that our spouse, our kids etc. True happiness comes from within. I don’t know how many people I have come across who expect their spouse, kids etc to “make them happy”. Myself included some years ago. But if we look to others for our happiness we will be destined to fail. While we can do things that bring joy or temporary warm fuzzies to another we can’t do anything to really make them happy. Sure my beloved used to get real joy & make her feel all warm & fuzzy when I bought her some Roses (before the illness & finances hit). But that isn’t what gave her happiness. Even as sick as she can get she finds many things within her self that bring her happiness. Great post.
Keep Rockin
Ron
What a wonderful post. I haven’t known to put a label on it but after months of marriage counseling I’ve come to the same conclusions as you stated above. I stopped doing so many things that I felt fulfilled in doing to provide for my family and save my marriage that it put an unfair burden on Ray to be my all-in-all. I used to make beautiful pieces of furniture and am going to go back to my woodworking. I am centering on all the things that fulfill me, and yes Ray is one of those things, so that I can feel more like a whole person all on my own.
Thanks Alisa for a wonderful message.
If you depend solely on someone else for your happiness, they will let you down. Period. How could they not? We all have to take responsibility for generating our own happiness. Great post, Alisa.
Frugal Kiwi´s last [type] ..Te Reo Māori Week- The Haka
I love this. I agree with Ron… true happiness comes from yourself. Others can contribute to it, but find it within yourself first. The idea you brought up about “callings” changing over time… I believe this is true. Another word to use may be “dream” for those who are more inclined for that way of thinking. If you have a dream that brings you contentment and you achieve it, find another dream. They can be big, lofty things, or small every day things. But it’s what makes you happy and content and fulfilled.
Ron… reading your post made me think of something. You thought your first calling was to be found through the seminary, but you said that didn’t “stick” so to speak. Now you’re saying your calling may be being a caregiver. I’d like to challenge you to something… are those two things really all that far off? Following a life in a religious calling or being a caregiver to your beloved… both are paths of servitude. So, your calling may have always been the same thing… it’s just presenting itself in different facets.
I went through a period of wanting others to make me happy… to fulfill me. Then I realized that I had lost a few parts of me that were once very important to me. Somewhere along the way, I thought I needed to let these things go because they were in the area of “differing interests” between my now husband and myself. I was afraid if I persued things, it would drive us apart. Now, I know that I have a very supportive husband who wants me to have my own interests and who encourages me to persue them. It’s taken me a while to get some of these things back, but now that I have, I feel so blessed to have a husband who supports it. They may not be “callings” per se… hobbies that bring me joy might be more like it. But losing them made me lose a part of me. That’s one of the big lessons I learned pre-wedding when my anxieties were sky high… that I need to take care of myself and be true to myself. Without that, I’ll be no good to my husband and my future children or anyone else in my life.
You wrote: You can argue with my observations. They are not scientific by any means.
Only because no one has spent the money “testing” this. But I think you are spot on.
Point #1: I never get paid for what I love – helping people. It’s not my job. I’m a housewife. But it is what I love and I do it as necessary. Just the other night I helped two friends via chat on Facebook. I knew there was a “reason” why I wasn’t sleeping, even tho I was tired.
I’ve had my calling since high school. Friends and acquaintances have always come to me for “advice/help”. I’m a good listener and I give “options”, not advice per se.
Yes, a “calling” can improve your marriage. For me, the other night made me feel so good – not about myself, but because I helped two people that truly needed help at that time. (One was a guy – and most guys keep quiet about problems. And this guy was keeping quiet, except with me. Because he knows me and knows I’m there to listen and gently guide him.) I’ve been feeling more confident since the other night. I just wish I had more opportunities to help people. But then, maybe I don’t wish I had more opportunities. The people I helped the other night were truly hurting. And I hate to see people hurting.
Looking for more meaning???? Not sure how to answer that question.
Do what you LOVE. Don’t do anything for money. Yes, we all have to work to make a living. I worked to make a living – as an accountant. Not what I loved. But I am good with numbers. My last “job” I ended up getting to design and run the rebuilding of an office space – what I truly wanted to do – be an architect. And at the same time, make sure we didn’t borrow money to do it. That job encompassed all my desires – investigation (embezzlement), designing a space, decorating a space (picked colors, furniture, lighting, etc.), made the company money, and worked with people. I loved it. So, even tho I was working for money, it turned out that I landed exactly where I wanted to be – using all of my abilities at one time.
Now, why did I leave that job??? Oh, yeah, I completed my “mission”, it had no more to offer me.
Ha! I totally get bent out of shape over the living room furniture! Guess I need to get cracking on looking for that switch. Great, spot-on, inspiring post.
Thanks Natalie, Never really thought of it that way. I do currently use my education in my church through teaching, playing music & other areas. Just not from a staff position. Then again I always knew I was never called to Pastor. The divorce just reinforced that. You right in that the two can easily been seen as one in the same. Never really thought of it in those terms. Thanks
Alisa,
this may seem a bit of an off the wall response but — do you know the music of Carrie Newcomer? on her latest album, Before & After, for example, there’s a song in which she uses a small flashlight as a metaphor for vocation/calling, for example.
Kerry´s last [type] ..music and focus
Kerry–like “this little light of mine…” That makes total sense.
Thank you for this, Alisa!! You have, once again, helped us all to see something very important in a new light! Finding your calling in life is not an easy thing, by any means, but I think that these are very good pointers for getting started!! You are very much appreciated!
Thank you for saying that you can find many callings in one lifetime, I think I’d have to agree! Honestly, I don’t think I have ONE calling, I think I have many….I think I’m here to be an instrument of God, to share my optimisim, gratitude, hope and strength with the world, and I think I do that every day–well, most days! (Maybe not last night as I was in a mood, but hey, I’m entitled sometimes). I think one of my callings is to write, but I also know that I have to hone that for a while first. I was meant to be a member of the family that I am, that was definitely one of my callings. And I’m not sure about the others, but I just feel like even if I never decide on one specific thing, I can still be of service to the world. Not because I’m super special or unique or anything, and not because I’m better than anyone else, because I’m not; but I am wise and I am strong–and good under pressure and during crisis. Lately, I seem to be cementing all of that.
Anyway, thank you for this wonderful post!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Awesome Alisa! Thank you! I forgot this over the summer. Only God defines me, or leads me to the switch or a new switch, or a new switch in the same spot. Not only is it painful for me when I give my spouse God’s job, but surely it is a terrible burden on my spouse too. Makes sense why he or anyone would rather escape than look at the face of someone they love who is expecting too much.
I have many different jobs but they all stem from my gifts that God has grown in me my whole life. Every adversity, and every blessing has fertilized, rained or shined sun down on those gifts. Amazingly, and not for the first time, I forgot about all of the years He has spent with me, and what they mean. Lately I’ve been looking around instead of looking up.
Thank you so much for following your calling.
I do think we all have a calling (or two), though others might call it something else. Like you, writing in my own voice brings me a lot of creative, emotional, and professional satisfaction –
on a good day, when I feel I’ve gotten it just right.
Call me crazy, I even like the days when getting it right proves quite a challenge.
sarah henry´s last [type] ..Summer Birthdays Rule
light switches should be made from oxygen free copper so that they last longer~*`