Grandpa and Grandma, at my wedding, 11 years ago
Earlier this week, I spent some time with my grandparents. Grandpa is 94. He’s got bad knees, uses a walker, is suffering prostate issues, and can’t hear all that well—even when his hearing aids are turned on.
For the most part, though, he’s a healthy, strong old guy. He lives independently.
Grandma is 93 and isn’t quite as healthy. She’s been in a nursing home for the past two years, ever since she stopped eating and taking her meds.
She has many ailments, but severe dementia leads the list. I lived with her one summer, but she no longer remembers that. She no longer remembers me at all.
She calls me Sally.
But she still knows Grandpa. They’ve been married more than 70 years now.
The Hard Times
It wasn’t always an easy marriage, I’ve heard. But I wonder if there is such a thing. It seems all marriages go through a rough patch at some point. Mine sure did.
Grandma and Grandpa farmed through the dust bowl and the Great Depression. They lost a child. They weren’t broke but, for most of their lives, they were poor. Grandpa was prone to stress, depression and worry. There were times, I’ve heard, that he was not an easy man to love.
Yet Grandma is – and continues to be – one of those rare souls who possesses a seemingly endless reservoir of patience and compassion. When she was younger, she probably imagined that she would be caring for him in his old age. She’s the natural caregiver. He’s not. I doubt either one of them would have ever guessed that things would have turned out the way that they have.
Enduring Love
Grandpa can’t get around easily these days. He uses a walker, and his forward progress is slow. Whenever he stands up, he smiles. I assume he worries that, one of these days, he’s going to sit down for the final time. Every time he manages to stand, it’s a victory.
He can’t drive anymore, so he pays a driver to take him to the nursing home four days a week.
I watch Grandpa gaze intently into Grandma’s eyes. He gently rocks her wheelchair with his foot.
She’s curled forward. Her shirt is stained with breakfast remnants. Her skin and hands are purple, from the medicine used to treat an incurable blistering skin condition. Hairs grow from her chin. Her teeth are black and jagged—all rotten to the gum.
She looks up at him. They lock eyes. He smiles. She smiles.
He looks completely smitten, as if he’s thinking of asking her to marry him.
He wipes drool from her chin. He makes sure her hearing aids are working properly. He adjusts her oxygen tube. He wraps his shaky hand over her forearm and squeezes.
When it’s time to go, he removes the plastic gloves and gown we’re all supposed to wear to prevent the spread of MRSA, a highly contagious antibiotic resistant skin infection that Grandma has. He squeezes her shoulder. He tells her to take good care of herself.
She says that she will.
He tells her he loves her. She says, “I still love you, too.” He bends over and he kisses her on the lips. She kisses him back.
The aides are yelling, “Harry, wash your hands!” They are shaking their heads. Skin to skin contact is not allowed with someone who has MRSA.
He’s old. His immunity is probably compromised. If anyone should stay away from MRSA, it’s him.
I think Grandpa either can’t hear them or he just doesn’t care. He loves her. He’s going to kiss her on the lips no matter what contagion she has.
The scene makes me think about the purpose of marriage. Years ago, I broke up with one boyfriend after another because I could not see myself caring for them if they became quadriplegic.
I married my husband, in part, because I could imagine myself wiping drool from his chin.
We expect a lot out of marriage, especially when we are young. We want excitement. We want soul moving sex. We want conversations. We want connection.
But sometimes I wonder if the beauty of marriage isn’t much simpler than all of that. Eventually, once our bodies start to waste away, sex will seem as taxing as running a marathon. Excitement will seem like something that could trigger a heart attack.
And conversation? After 70 plus years of marriage, we might find that an “I love you,” eye contact, a smile, and a kiss are all we really want or need.
What do you think?
Note: I’m much restored after my time away. I’ve written many posts about the Karma Project and will be running them the week of July 5. Until then, I plan to tackle as many of the posts that you all requested as I can. I’ve been reading your comments during my absence here. I was so excited to see you all supporting one another and conversing while I was gone. Thanks for making this blog such a supportive, safe place. You all rock.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
wow…maybe it’s just one of those days but this post totally made me cry. in a good way
i love your posts and i always look forward to reading them. thanks for that.
What a beautiful post, Alisa. I felt like I was in the room with your grandparents; I could feel the love.
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Lovely post Alisa, thanks.
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My grandparents were married for almost as long and they were just as inspiring to me. I’m so glad you got to spend time with yours – I miss mine terribly. Marriage at that age is about the rituals and comfort that you’ve taken a lifetime to build. I would kiss my husband too even if he had MRSA.
What an amazing tribute to your grandparents and so perfect for your readers because it allows them to see marriage from such a totally different angle. How wonderful that your grandmother remembers her husband! I found this so very moving that I teared up while reading. I think it must be among your most powerful posts not only because of the content but because it challenges us to think about the future of our marriages in a way that most people usually try to avoid.
Beautiful! My grandparents were married 72 years and it was the same with them, and very inspiring.
This is so beautiful … thank you …
This put a huge lump in my throat…wow…
What a touching story. It made me think that your grandparents must want the very best for for each other.
This is beautiful.
I definitely hope to have that one day.
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I’m so moved by your grandparent’s story Alisa. I don’t have anything productive to add, just wanted to thank you so much for sharing.
Great post! My parents have been married for 27 years and my grandparents 52 years. Relationships like those are hard to come by, but by far, the best role model for your own marriage. I am so happy for them and for you.
This is amazing! I totally want this for my own marriage. As much as getting old and death and dying scare me, I fully want this kind of marriage. The kind that supercedes romantic love and forms into a deeper connection. Your grandparents are an inspiration to me. Your grandpa is amazing in his love for your grandma. And your grandma shows that love goes beyond loss of memory and whatever else dementia takes. Thank you for coming back from your hiatus with a very strong post. It sincerely moved me.
Hi Alisa,
This post is great – it was really touching. Glad to have you back – miss you much.
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Alisa- My grandparents were married 70 years and my mom and dad were married for just months beyond 50 years. My dad , never sick a day in his life, went for a physical and found out he had cancer and was gone within a year. He would have gone sooner but he toughed it out for mom. He knew he needed to give her time and he promised to dance with her at their 50th wedding anniversary party. My sisters and I threw them a hugh party and they got all dressed up and he did dance her around the room. It was magical, but they always were the couple that looked at each other like they had some great secret between them and only they would ever know it.
My grandfather went first but when I went to visit my grandmother for the last time she told me that he had come to see her the night before and he was as handsome as ever and told her he couldn’t wait till he could hold her again. She passed that afternoon and I really believe poppop was there to embrace her on the other side.
Thank you for your story it was a gentle reminder that maybe it isn’t the passion in our marriages we should concentrate on but the comfort, companionship and kindness that the years have to offer us.
Welcome back.
ALisa what a sweet sweet post. I had to bite my lip to hold my tears. It’s so true.as a young married couple I expect SOOO much from my marriage, deep conversations, excitement. Hubby’s grandparents celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. THey are 80 years old. I see so much love, they way they take care of each other. That’s what i want, to grow old with my hubby.
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You know why I needed this post today? Because after months of therapy I am on the fence still and very discouraged about weather Ray and I are ready to separate. On the one hand Ray isn’t coming into the process at all except to show up for the sessions. He feels our marriage is fine. On the other hand really open and honest people like Hopeless Romantic, Drummer Guy and Kathy have made me stop and think about the long term. Now this post. I am so confused anymore I don’t know which end is up anymore. I don’t know what the next step should be.
This was such an honest post about real life. You’ve got me reflecting upon your words: “I married my husband, in part, because I could imagine myself wiping drool from his chin.” And with the other guys you couldn’t. I think it makes sense!
http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
LOVE THIS. And am soooooooooooooooooo glad you are back. Missed you in my inbox.
Such a gorgeous story!!! You had me in tears by the middle. I’m getting married next year and I hope that in 60 years if I have some contagious bacteria my hubby is still kissing me too!!!
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This post made me cry, but in a good, sentimental way.
I think marrying someone because you CAN see yourself wiping drool from their chin is incredibly sweet and honest and genuine.
I think people often expect too much from marriage these days–they want romance, a sense of completion, etc…we all deserve that, but also, at a certain point–you get to where you can communicate without that.
My grandparents haven’t been married for years and years (my grandma was married 3′xs before her current husband of 8 years), but they are so cute and so sweet together. My grandma is quite sick these days and her husband just sticks by her like flies on honey–when you see them together, you can FEEL the love radiating from them–it’s absolutely awesome and it inspires me to reach for that!
My heart kind of breaks for your grandparents, but it just proves that love prevails and some things, you just never, ever, ever forget! I’m so sorry your grandma has dimentia, it’s an absolutely devastating disease, but at least she and your grandpa can still share those sweet moments and genuine connection. And I wouldn’t care either, if I got sick from kissing my husband–than so be it–your Grandpa is brave and wonderful for continuing to see her grandmother. So heart-expanding and gratifying to hear!
Love is an action, not a word and it’s beyond miraculous to see it displayed to this extent (your grandparents), thank you so much for sharing this touching, heart-warming and inspiring story!
I’m so glad you’re back–we’ve all missed you!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Truly touching. Your grandparents may not still have their health, but they have each other – and that counts for so much.
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Having just lost my own grandfather who was part of an epic love story with my grandmother I extremely moved by the description of your own grandparents relationship. I had to close the post after reading it a couple of hours ago because I was too emotional after reading it. But now I am back and I really believe that after spending a lifetime loving someone that just a look passed between two people can have just as deep a connection as making love. And although there bodies made be tired and broken, the love in their heart still has the strength enough to pass what is needed with a simple touch, a smile, or a word.
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The story of your grandparents is so sweet and moving, Alisa. I hope to be lucky enough to grow old with my husband.
@ JoAnne & Ray: Don’t give up. I think men often downplay the reality of how good, or how bad, things really are in life–whether it be in a marriage, work or whatever. But I also think that’s an asset–men can kind of just coast and be okay with, and even though this trait often drives me nuts, on some level, I envy it. Obviously, if Ray sincerely believes your marriage is still fine despite obvious evidence to the contrary–than that is an issue. But sometimes, I think we end up working so hard at or FOR our marriages (as we should) that sometimes we forget to just BE married. Just enjoy the journey and take it ONE day at a time. That’s really all we have anyway. I’m not saying ignore how you feel, and I’m not taking sides–with either one of you –but I’ve been on this blog enough to know how hard you two have tried and how far you have come–and it’s amazing! Only you and Ray can decide what is right for you, and you have to be able to live with your decisions–whatever they may be. But, I will say this: at least your husband is GOING to therapy–that’s a lot more than most men will do. And he’s STILL going, that counts for something. Sometimes, as women we tend to over analyze and create more problems when they’re rather minute…I’m not saying you’re doing this, JoAnne, and Lord knows I’m an expert at this (making mountains out of molehills, always having to “Fix” my marriage!). But, Alisa’s post made a very good point–sometimes, it isn’t about romance or “working on it,” or even attraction–it’s about a mutual understanding and unyielding love. It doesn’t always have to be prominently displayed, but it’s still there. In the actions, in the intent to keep going, despite hard times. I’m not judging either of you, please know that, I just know that you two have come a long way together and I want you be happy. You, and Ray, and all of us for that matter, deserve to be happy. Marriage isn’t always easy, but it isn’t supposed to be miserable either. BUT, we must make our OWN happiness too–married or not, happiness comes from within. I hope I’ve helped, you and Ray are in my prayers. Take care of yourself, of each other and hang in there. We all support you no matter what the two of you decide.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
What a wonderful post. My grandparents loved each other very deeply as well, and it had a profound effect on me, especially as my parents never seemed to love each other at all (or hate each other — they had a very amicable divorce).
I found this blog when I wasn’t sure my marriage was going to survive its first year (our 1st anniversary is in a few weeks), and wondered if I was crazy to marry someone after 8 rocky years of dating and living together. However, I always knew that we loved each other deeply. This was why we were able to hurt each other so badly, but also why we stayed.
I can imagine taking care of him if he needed it, and I have no doubt he would do the same for me. In fact he often does. He is making a huge sacrifice for me over the next few years, supporting me in going back to school full time, quitting my job that accounts for half our income, and seriously dialing back our lifestyle of restaurants and travel (we have no kids) to allow us to afford it.
My marriage is best when I’m not analyzing it and just enjoying it without expectation. If you need something, ask for it, but don’t expect it. If you weren’t married, and were alone, you’d be relying on yourself to make yourself happy. Make yourself happy, and allow your spouse to make you even happier. That’s my advice to those of you struggling, and my advice to myself.
I’m back from my vacation and late to this party (blog). Just a quick side note: over two weeks and not a single cigarette. Yay, Me!
That is a wonderful story about your grandparents, Alisa. What they have is very special. I can totally see why your grandpa is now caring for your grandma – sounds like he “owes” her for all the hard times and the care and patience she gave him. I don’t mean “owes” in a bad way, but he knows all that she did for him and is repaying the kindness.
I think it’s awesome that your daughter gets to see this relationship and how long it’s lasted.
Other note: I got thru “Eat, Pray, Love” while on vacation. What a great book.
wow, what a testament to the enduring power of love. thanks for reminding us all about what really matters — care, kindness, compassion — in all our relationships.
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Great post and shows the commitment required. My parents were married for over 55 years and still had love and affection for each other until the day my father passed away. Marriage is a journey full of ups and downs, and I’m sure your grandparents had as many of these as everyone else, the difference is was that they were truely committed to each other!
I cannot stop thinking about this Blog and how its message is so true and beautiful. Thank-you. There is nothing more important than taking care of one another. If you do not have that desire in a marriage then you pretty much have a shallow marriage.
Wow! We’ve recently hit the 15-year mark and I was so proud. But imagine, hitting 70 years!
http://www.trishcardona.com/2010/06/15-years-on-my-musings-on-marriage/
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Thanks for sharing this. It was so wonderful to read.
I don’t guess I have ever shared with anyone my own thoughts about caring for my ailing husband whenever health concerns befall him. I too can see myself offering care to my husband *hopefully* in his golden years and sooner if necessary. It is in moments when I am thinking of those years when my heart swells with joy at the thought of our companionship. Note: It does also swell at other times. I don’t have to be thinking of my husband being unable to care for himself without my assistance to be overjoyed to be with him.
Very nice post and straight to the level. I am not sure if this can be truly the best place to ask but do you folks have any ideea where to get some professional writers? Thx