Marriage Improvement Monday
This isn't what my husband looked like when he investigated the scary places in the basement, but this guy is kinda cute, don't you think?
When I ask “Should you role play?” I’m not suggesting that your husband don a frilly French maid outfit and see just how painful it is to walk around in heels. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you.)
No, I’m talking about the behavioral roles we play in our marriage. For instance, I generally play the role of the strong, responsible one.
My husband? He’s the fun one. He’s the one who takes our daughter to amusement parks, eats cheese doodles with her, does donuts and fishtails while she’s in the car (and then tells her not to tell Mommy about it) and who runs through the sprinkler while he’s fully clothed. I’m the careful one. I fret over whether we are putting enough money into her 529, come up with ingenious plans for getting her to eat more vegetables, and hold my breath every single time the girl walks down a flight of steps.
I’m also, as I learned from reading Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Connection, a dependency dreader. As a result, I’m nearly completely independent. Were my husband to suddenly drop out of the picture, the only household issue that would really do me in is this: the grass. The only thing I despise more than the vacuum is the lawn mower.
In our independence revering society, women like me are thought of as normal and healthy. But the inability to lean on others—including my husband—is not healthy. It’s sick. I’ve written about this before. Thanks to Dr. Lerner, I finally know why I have such a hard time doing it. But that’s a topic for another post.
The topic for this one is what happens when someone like me switches roles and allows her husband to see her being weak.
My Husband Plays a Great James Bond
It all went down about two weeks ago. I’d just arrived home with my daughter after spending a weekend away. It was 9 p.m. My daughter had fallen asleep in the car. My husband was not home. The entire house—indoors and out—was dark. I thought that was a little odd, but I faulted my husband for that oddity. After all, I’m the responsible one who thinks to turn on outdoor lights for people who might be arriving home in the dark. That’s my role, not his.
I carried her down the walkway. I opened the door. I felt around on the wall for the light switch. I turned it on. The room remained dark. I flipped them back and forth. No lights.
Weird.
Was the power out? Really?
Weird.
I looked at my neighbor’s house. It seemed as if their lights were on.
Why was my power out and not theirs?
Before I tell you what I thought next, I need to explain something. I watch crime shows like Criminal Minds and CSI religiously. In crime shows, one of the first things a serial killer does is this: cut the power.
Because of that, my next thought was not, “I guess there’s something wrong with the power grid” and it also was not “Crap, did I pay our power bill on time?”
No, my next thought was, “There’s a serial killer hiding in the kitchen. If I walk in there, he’s going to hit me over the head with a crow bar.”
I called my husband. I asked him to come home. I told him two words that I hardly ever say to anyone. They were, “I’m scared.”
He came home. He found flashlights. He lit candles. He even did the unthinkable. He took a flashlight and he went into the serial killer’s lair—which is also known as the basement.
Well, as you might imagine, there was no one hiding in basement’s scary places, not even in the laundry room.
I hugged him when he emerged, and not just because I was happy to see him alive.
My husband, in that moment, looked deliciously sexy to me. In just a few seconds he’d morphed from his usual every day self and into a blend of Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry and Roger Moore as James Bond.
And this had happened because I’d allowed him to see my weakness and my vulnerability. In return he’d showed me his strength.
The Power of Playing a New Role
This is all why, when I read the Dance of Connection today, I totally got what Dr. Lerner meant when she talked about the importance of understanding and breaking out of your normal roles.
For instance, if you are usually the pursuer in the relationship, try being the distancer for once.
If you are usually the careful one, try being the fun parent instead.
If you are the dependable one, try being the one who needs help.
If you are the sexual rebuffer, try being the initiator.
If you are the giver, try being the receiver.
You get the idea. It doesn’t mean you have to break out of your roles forever. But even a temporary role switch might give you a new perspective on your relationship and allow you to see things from your partner’s point of view. More important, it might help you to evolve into a more complete person.
What do you think? What role do you play in your marriage and how is it opposite of your partner’s? What do you think would happen if you played your partner’s role instead? Oh, and I’m curious: if you arrived home and discovered that your power was out, what would be your first thought?
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Sarah Liz (6)
Alexandra (2)
Ayelet (2)
Kathy (2)
Kerry (2)
Mandy (2)
TAY (2)
50 Proposals (1)
Amanda (1)
Ande Lyons (1)
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
What a thought provoking post.
And my first thought would be: “Not again!! and now I won’t be able to publish today’s blog.”
This is because, sadly, power outages are just about a daily occurrence.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Easter Photos =-.
What do you think? What role do you play in your marriage and how is it opposite of your partner’s?
My role: polar opposite of Hubs’ role. He’s fun, relaxed, on the go, easy going, care free, spontaneous, and not a mind reader…. ME on the other hand, i wish i could be a mind reader (in fact i often have conversations – alone – ahead of time, and decide I shouldn’t bother – or play out a scenario and decide it won’t work out…. ), I have to have a plan – FOR EVERYTHING – I’m prepared for anything, really (I’m not kidding – i don’t smoke, but carry a lighter, i have a travel corkscrew in the diaper bag, a sharpie marker and #2 pencil… umbrella, box of toys, change of clothes, snacks in the car…) I like routines and get very frustrated when they are changed, I’m strict, and there are lots of rules for life.
… gee – thank goodness opposites attract or I would never have met him!
What do you think would happen if you played your partner’s role instead?
If I tried to let my role go, and be relaxed, fun, and spontaneous… I’d lose it. truly. I cannot shut down my list maker, plan creator, and scheduler… I’ve tried. There is just something hardwired in my brain to do those things.
When on vacation with my in laws i adopt the motto “whatever you say, I’m just along for the ride.” It physically(ok maybe more mentally) hurts me. A trip to the grocery store with them turns into an 8 hour endeavor in which we never reach the grocery! The last vacation though, my motto worked well – I just had to take some “no thank you” times to be by my self, even if they turned into 8 hours alone.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like the hubs, but I don’t think anything would get done. ever. and the planner/worrier/list maker in me can’t handle that.
Oh, and I’m curious: if you arrived home and discovered that your power was out, what would be your first thought?
“is it just this light, or all of them?” and then… “I hope I don’t trip on a toy on my way down the hall”
i am not yet in a marriage so i skip the first question. i might come back in a few years and add my roleplay comment at the end of the line.
it really scared me that watching tv affects your thoughts and behaviour that much.
there could be quite a few other reasons why the power is out. i would investigate step by step starting from the fuse box.
Alisa, I so understand. I used to be severely independent. However, when my hubby came into my life, he took over all the manly chores. Things that I’d been doing for years and was quite capable of doing. But, that’s how he is – he does the manly chores, I do the womanly chores. It’s taken me a bit of time to get over the “change” in roles. I was physically strong from doing what I used to do. I knew if my car needed an oil change and when it last had one. Now, I sometimes feel like a “dumb girl” that doesn’t know how to deal with or handle mechanical things. Plus, I got physically weak and my arms and legs aren’t as “cut” as they used to be. Besides the 20 pounds I’ve gained.
But it is nice to say “honey, can you lift that big ol’ thing for me” (southern accent really helps). And it’s nice to have a man around that actually knows what he’s doing and how to do it. (I lived with a guy and when I asked him to unclog the toilet, he said he didn’t know how. What the…..?)
Last week when hubby was away on business, I had to do one of his jobs. Fix the fence that blew down with our severe winds. However, the power screw driver wasn’t charged which meant I had to use a hammer (not as strong as I used to be). Then I could only find two nails – I needed more than two. I finally got the fence back in place and nailed back together. But I did have to “bitch” at hubby about tools not working and nails hidden in a drawer. When I did all these manly things before my hubby came along – my tools were ready and I knew where everything was located. So, if hubby is going on business trips, he needs to leave things set up for me if I need to do repairs. (Fence had to be fixed, so the dog couldn’t get out of the yard.)
Coming home to the power being out, is fairly common in TX. I’d be pissed because the garage door opener wouldn’t work. Then I have to go around to the front of the house (our garage is in the back and accessed via an alley) and hope hubby had switched the door lock back to the keys we have (our door locks can be changed for when we have pet sitters, so they don’t always have access to our house) or I’d be stuck outside. And if the power is out, that means we are having one hell of a rain storm. This is also why I’m rarely out at night if hubby isn’t with me or home. I’d be so afraid to come into the house if the power were out and it was dark. And I have a dog that is a wonderful watch dog. But, no, I scare too easily.
Kathy–why don’t all of us know how to unclog toilets? Of all the things I learned in home economics, none of them had to do with unclogging toilets. And it’s SUCH A COMMON LIFE ISSUE! Whenever I do it, I’m still not sure if I’m doing it right. Then I have this fear that the next flush is going to spread poop all over the house.
I used to know how to change my oil, oil filter and spark plugs, too. Then my husband took over. Now he’s too busy, so I go to Jiffy Lube. I suppose that’s progress!
I related to almost every word of your post (I hate to vaccum, but enjoy the cardio workout of mowing the lawn) and even started tearing until your James Bond reference – Sean Connery is my choice. I also see the super-hero in my husband especially when he is removing a splinter from one of our girls or applying a band-aid.
Alisa, he knew how, he didn’t want to. LOL!!! I knew how, but I was sick and tired of doing it. There was a problem with that toilet. I called the plumber and he made it into a turbo flusher. Rarely a problem after that.
I used to know the timing pattern on a 327 engine. I changed out transmissions. Rebuilt my starter. Now engines are all electronic with computer chips and I don’t understand a thing about them.
Yes, it’s progress. But at least you still know when the last time your oil was changed. Since I’m not having it done, I never remember. And I rarely look at the sticker in my truck. Besides, I put very few miles on my truck, so we change the oil after months rather than miles.
Check out my facebook page, you’ll see what I did this weekend, since hubby doesn’t consider gardening “manly” work. Actually, he grew up on a farm and did his fill of gardening.
Teresa, you need to do lunges while vacuuming. That’s the only reason I vacuum – the work out. Besides, I have housekeepers. But with one dog and two cats, it needs vacuuming in between their cleaning.
Dear kathy;
I get what you mean with Manly chores and womenly chores, I have just the opposite. I say my husband is more in touch with his pink side and I can grasp the blue side. So he is the nurturer caregiver who takes care of hearth and home while I provide the majority of our income. This has been for the last fifteen years and now we are in marriage counseling because we aren’t as Ok with it as we may have thought. We have role reversed so much that I have missed being “His woman” and he has missed being “My man”. So we are going to start a new reversal and yes until we discover our new boundaries we will have to role play abit.
It’s funny about roles. Hubby is the fun laid back one. I’m the one who tries to teach responsibility and keep things somewhat in order. I do, however, enjoy mowing the lawn, on the rare occasion I get the chance. It’s an hour of riding (not pushing) in peace without having to worry about the children. If I had to push mow, I’d rather vacuum.
Once we leave the house, however, my and hubby completely switch. He needs to plan a route for all our stops for the day. I tend to enjoy a more spontaneous ride that allows for mini adventures and roadside veggie stands. He his downright anal. If it is strawberry season and we happen to see a stand and I suggest we stop, his standard response is, “Is it on the list?”. He’s a tiny bit more flexible if a trade of some sort is offered. The only thing he doesn’t have a problem with is an unexpected stop at Walgreen’s. It’s down the street from the house and always on the way home. Therefore, his plan doesn’t need to be altered as it is always on the way.
If I come home to no lights and the neighbor lights are all on, I tell the kids to stay in the car with the cell phone (the oldest is 11). Then I open the door closest to the carport (the door we never use). It is next to the breaker box and the outside lights. If switch works, yay. If not I check the breaker. If that doesn’t work, I pick up the cordless and call the kids in the car while do my rounds. If all is well, I come out of the regular door. If something is amiss, I come out the side door get back in the van and call Hubby. It sounds like a lot, but it takes all of two minutes. I have four kids and the carport is in the back of the house. Better safe than sorry. Of course having written this all out, I feel a bit like a paranoid freak. I hadn’t realized that I actually have this routine. It isn’t something I think about.
Well, now I will be self-analyzing for awhile. Thanks.
Joanne, I had a friend that did that. I truly wondered how it worked. She made the money, he took care of the home, to an extent. It wasn’t that he did all the housework or did all the grocery shopping. She still had to do a bit of that on the weekends. But I truly wondered how it worked for them. Of course she always said it was “fine”. But I truly didn’t believe her (she also drank a LOT).
I can understand if you can make more money than your husband. That makes sense, especially in todays economy. But I do worry about exactly what you said “you don’t feel like his woman and he doesn’t feel like your man”.
PrttyBrd, I think what you do is great. Always much better to be safe than sorry. And it sounds like the right way to approach things – check the breaker box. Smart girl you are. Because it could always be just a blown fuse.
I’ve had to be the guy walking in our house several times, while my fam stayed outside. This was at an older house, where the door didnt always stay closed. So we would come home late at night from something and all the lights were out and the side door was open and everyone would freak.
I wish I had that dog your other readers talked about. I tried to get mine to walk around the house with me but he tucked tail and just hid under the bed.
Kathy: I always thought our role reversal was fine I had the bigger earning potential he would have to work twice as hard to get to my hourly rate and that just doesn’t seem to make sense. Don’t get me wrong, Ray is a hard working guy, while I earn extra money in my own bookkeeping business. It allows us to live the life we enjoy. While he can cook and such I honey a weekend “Honey do” list because my dad was a carpenter and I learned from him while Ray’s dad ignored the hammer and nail lessons.
No the problems actually got better defined in marriage counseling. That is where he let out finally that he felt he was failing me as a Man and I had to wonder when I got to be a typical woman in the relationship. He wasn’t a “yes dear” guy but he coming awful close. I was so used to being in charge and making decisions that I forgot to partner with him, my fault but we fall into patterns after so many years.
We are now empty nesting and find we want a more “traditional marriage” between us
and , well, I guess we’ll see where this goes. I have a feeling we are going to be trying on new roles and seeing what works for us and what we are comfortable with.
Joanne, I didn’t think your hubby wasn’t hard working or anything like that. I was relaying what I had seen in another marriage. And how I’d always wondered about it. Then you wrote what you did the first time and I saw how it could be a problem with the couple I knew.
I’m all for the woman working if she can make a better paycheck than the hubby. It goes that way some time. I’ve done it in more than one relationship. (Wonder why I’m not still in those relationships.)
Now there is no way I could make more than my current hubby unless I made a whole lot per hour and worked about 80 hours a week. Not happening at my age, I can tell you that. Best I’ve ever done was $1,000 +/- a week. Hubby makes way more than that in a week. I could have made that, if I’d finished my degree (Accounting).
I totally see how you need to see how this plays out for the two of you. Now that the kid(s) are gone, maybe it can change up a bit if you don’t need to pay college tuition. I’m glad we don’t have to pay college tuition, otherwise I’d be working outside the home. And then I couldn’t do what I’ve been doing all weekend and today – creating a beautiful, relaxing patio area for myself. ; )
I am very much stuck in the hyper-competent, independent role, and I know from experience that it feels good to let that go sometimes. Of course, then neurotic-me comes back and freaks out over the clutter and chaos, but at least she’s had a vacation!
I can’t wait to read your book!
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Routine Maintenance Scheduled =-.
Funny how our strengths also become our weaknesses. Being emotionally strong, for me, often means that I don’t acknowledge feeling not okay (weak?). I can shoulder anything, I tell myself. But then is it okay to say that I’m overwhelmed and feel inept and clueless? A life long issue, for sure. I was also the good, middle child. Another curse!
Thanks for the tip Kathy.
I like this idea, I was raised by two very strong, very independent women, and sometimes, I’m a little too independent myself. (Spelling?) I think it does bother my husband sometimes, but overall, it also is a relief to him (he’s said so himself) at times, because I don’t need him for every little thing. I think needing another person is not a bad thing at all, but love should always outweigh need.
I heard a lady on TV one day say the “pickle jar syndrome,” and that is–if your man is at home, and available to help, let HIM open the pickle jar. It’s such a small thing, but it really builds them up.
The idea is to make your man feel like you need him around, whether or not you really do. I don’t blame Alisa for only needing her husband to cut the grass, I’ve been there. But it’s also really important to have balance. I think women need to remember that while THEY know they might not need their man for everything, what’s the harm in letting men think you do. Not that men are dumb, because they’re not, but….
Men need to feel needed, where as, I think women need to feel wanted. WANTED! I think we women KNOW our men NEED us, but we want them to WANT us.
Men need to feel a sense of keeping their women safer, and being strong, resilant.
I know that’s totally gender biased on my part, but it’s also kind of true. I’ve taken classes on this and while I’m not an expert, sometimes, the stereo types are just true.
I believe that it would be good for spouses to trade roles for a day, to walk in the other persons’ shoes, to see how it is. It’s a great idea! And the picture in this entry, too funny!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
@ Sara: I can totally get with that pickle jar deal. Take it from a guy, it would probably work, every once in a while.
When you wrote, “because I’d allowed him to see my weakness and my vulnerability. In return he’d showed me his strength,” I immediately thought of the book Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. They spend a considerable amount of time in the text discussing how a woman’s vulnerability can draw out a man’s desire to show his strength. The text has impacted me tremendously because I sometimes associate vulnerability with weakness and failure.
I do not want to fail. Do. not. want. to. fail. EVER! I know full well I cannot expect myself to not fail, but I have somehow convinced myself I can probably succeed more often than not. This pattern of thought gets me in trouble in my marriage when I project my perceptions about success and failure onto my husband knowing that 1) we don’t have the same thoughts about what those terms mean all the time and 2) he doesn’t want to feel like he has failed me. My streak of independence sometimes prevents me from taking down the wall of fear of failure to let my husband see me when I am unsure of myself or uncertain about how to respond to a particular situation. I am happy to report though I have had several encounters with vulnerability over the past year and they have helped me to be far more transparent with my husband about being afraid. It has been nice to have him come to my rescue when the power lines are cut and darkness surrounds me. It’s comforting to know I don’t have to face the “bogeymen” all alone.
… and neither does he. My husband’s role is also the non-vulnerable one. He gets concerned that when he is vulnerable he will be judged and rejected. It has taken a lot for him to open up over the years. I am thrilled he has become so willing to share himself with me. It seems our marriage is much richer because we are both taking opportunities to be vulnerable with each other and affirm one another in the process. It is a frightening thing to be exposed, but we find it enriches our relationship greatly.