Reader Poll: Is This Cheating?
A reader wrote to me recently, asking the following:
Recently I shamefully went through my husband’s emails. I found emails from another woman that contained explicit personal tales of sexual encounters along with flirty messages. And they were all on a secret email account. I also found some emails from a second woman, requesting my husband to send her some porn. He knows both women in real life. I confronted him and called it cheating. He doesn’t think this is cheating since they didn’t have sex. I’m curious to know what you and the rest of the community at Project: Happily Ever After think. Is this cheating?
I have thoughts on this situation, but I don’t want to bias the poll results. So I’ll go more into what I think in a future post. For now, readers, please take the time to cast your vote. And, by all means, offer some advice for this reader in the comments area, too.
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Tags: cheating
January 11th, 2010 at 10:23 am
This is absolutely cheating. He is having sexual conversations with women and hiding it from his wife.
He knows it’s cheating or he wouldn’t be hiding it from her. His denial is just another defense mechanism that people who are cheating use to avoid the consequences of their actions.
He’s been caught red-handed, cannot be trusted and who knows what other forms of cheating he has engaged in.
Cyndi´s last blog ..By: Les
January 11th, 2010 at 11:29 am
I think it is cheating because he is spending his emotional currency on another woman which is going to leave him short when he is with his wife. Plus those other women are only showing him one part of themselves. They don’t gripe at him when in the throes of PMS, they don’t nag (or ask nicely) to take the trash out, they never turn him down because they are too tired. It will give him a warped idea of what a ‘real’ woman is or does.
Amy´s last blog ..With a Little Help from Our Friends
January 11th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I agree 100% with both Amy and Cyndi. He is emotionally cheating on his wife. I wonder what this man would be considered cheating because something says that only intercourse is.
January 11th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
If he is doing this as part of some business with her knowledge, it would not have been cheating. But the fact that he hid this from her makes it cheating. Having sex is not the only way to cheat.
January 11th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
If he was innocent then why was it on a secret account. He may not have a physical relationship. BUT he was hiding something, which is lying.
January 11th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
It is absolutely cheating. And she should be very afraid, because in all likelihood this is going to escalate to real-life meeting and real-life intercourse. A very similar thing happened to me, but it was only after he confessed that he’d slept with another woman (and got her pregnant!) that I discovered he’d been swapping photos, videos and sex chat with her.
January 11th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I think it’s cheating because it’s with women he knows in real life. I think most guys (unless they’re really religious, which is fine if you are) look at, watch, and/or engage in some kind of porn on occasion. I think that’s actually okay, as long as it doesn’t interfere with your real wife and your real sex life. I think this guy is cheating because, like I said, he’s having these “conversations,” with real life women. That would absolutely bother me, if my husband was just staring at some porn chick, it’d still bother me, but I could deal with it because I know that nothing could ever really happen with her. If he was sexting and sharing flirty emails with women he actually knows, yeah, that would not be okay with me–AT ALL!
This guy’s also cheating because he’s HIDING it. He has a seperate email account and it’s been going on (from what I could tell) for a while. He’s giving his time, attention and sexual energy to women other than his wife, and doing so on a regular basis.
That being said, I really hate judging because I think cheating is often a two way street. Yes, I know most people will cheat if given the time/chance and ability to get away with it, but I do think that there are certain things (unless the guy’s a sex maniac and completely into himself) we women can do to better insulate our men from cheating. And vice-versa, by the way. I think if things are good and happy at home, in the bedroom and out, than a person isn’t as likely to stray. I think temptations are everywhere, though, it’s a matter of sticking to your vows and being faithful to your spouse no matter what. For me, that’s like #1 priority, for this husband, it’s obviously not. That’s really sad. But, I want to make it clear that it is not this wife’s fault that he husband is doing this, and some men will cheat no matter how–just saying……
Now, I do wonder why this wife was snooping, but obviously, she had good reasons and I always say, follow your instincts; unfortunately, her instincts were right. Women aren’t stupid and I don’t know why men think we are. (Well not all men, but I digress).
Anyway, like I said, I absolutely think this is cheating…HOWEVER, I don’t think it’s as bad as cheating in real life, however, my guess is this guy is emailing, texting and flirting with these women–he’s either not from doing the act in person, in real life–or worse, he already has. What a devestating situation and personally, it would leave me with a deep sense of betrayal.
I hope this all works out for the best. If this wife decides to leave, she’d had every right. He dishonored their vow of fidelity, I think I’d have to say sionara, but then again, maybe not. I think if they both want to work on their marriage, I can see and support that option too. I think it’s absolutely an individual’s (or rather, couples) decision, and I wish her the best either way.
-Sarah Liz
January 11th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
It’s cheating. My 2nd husband had a porn problem. I considered that cheating too. He wasn’t having sex with me, he was busily beating off to “artificial” women.
Cheating, cheating, cheating.
And don’t ever let him tell you that it’s your fault he is doing this. And don’t go down that road, that it’s your fault he’s doing this. It is his doing 100%.
January 11th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
Sarah Liz, I think she was snooping because her gut told her too. That’s why I snoop on my husband’s computer. 1) he’s giving me permission & 2) since his sex-drive is non-existent I worry that he’s getting it somewhere else.
Granted, I haven’t snooped in months and months, mostly because I just can’t be bothered.
January 11th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
The fact that he instantly jumped to the “but it’s not cheating” defense tells me that he has been trying to justify his actions in his own mind which in my opinion means that it’s a serious issue you need to work through
January 11th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
My mom always used to tell me: “If you do something and you can’t tell the people you love about it, then it probably isn’t something you are proud of.”
I think that this fits this situation. If he thought it was okay, he wouldn’t be hiding from his wife and using a secret e-mail account.
January 11th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
I think that the ‘real person’ aspect of this situation is what makes this cheating. I feel that there is a distinct line between internet porn stars and a woman, that is not your spouse, that you have been in the same room with.
if porn is your thing, there’s a lot that a simple google search will bring up for you, so going to a real person is crossing a line. I agree with Sarah Liz, it is not as bad as meeting and cheating in real life, but is still a degree of cheating. How will this wife know for sure that the husband isn’t hiding more?
I’d be interested to hear the takes from the people that voted NO in the poll, If this is not cheating, what do you call cheating?
I think the couple should seek counseling, and discuss what can be done to rebuild the trust that has been lost on both parts (emailing, and snooping). It will probably be easier to sort it out with a professional to assist.
January 11th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
He is cheating 100%. And I bet you money he is already cheating physically. Men are more practical, they won’t play imaginary games with women they aren’t 100% sure about. Sad, but he is a looser. His wife is no guilty of anything! She is only a victim.
January 11th, 2010 at 10:20 pm
I hope I’m not your only male reader. I feel that in this situation it should be considered cheating. Hiding emails in a secret email account shows there was knowledge of wrong doing. I consider this to be an emotional affair, especially, if he knows and converses with the two women in REAL life.
January 11th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
Cheater, cheater, cheater. ANYTHING to do with intimacy of any kind with someone else is cheating otherwise people would be saying, “well we just kissed, we didn’t actually have sex”.
Lobo: I agree. Hiding the information implies guilt. If he’s not cheating then why does he feel like he has something to hide.
Amy: I like your comment about “emotional currency”. What a great term!
January 12th, 2010 at 12:11 am
Well, here’s a second male perspective: I think “cheating” is defined by the agreement in each relationship. In some relationships even having sex with other people is not cheating, because both have agreed that this is ok.
It’s not having physical or verbal sexual communication that is the important factor, it’s that he is breaking the agreement of his marriage. In this case I get the feeling that the agreement is not clearly defined between them but well understood anyway, as evidenced by the fact that he was attempting to hide these communications. That’s what makes this cheating.
January 12th, 2010 at 12:31 am
A few questions come to mind for the husband:
1. How do these activities make your marriage better?
2. Why was it necessary to keep the secret email accounts? (Yes it’s been asked but it had to be asked, AGAIN.)
3. How much would it bother you if your wife corresponded with a man or two – other than you – about her fantasies, thoughts, emotional dreams, and desires?
4. How much Would it bother you if your wife sent them provocative or nude pictures of herself?
Some of the comments I have read focused on integrity, staying true to his vows. How do you measure the value of that trust when it’s intact in a marriage? The effects on the relationship are clear – she doesn’t trust him, for GOOD reason – and that foundation of trust has absolutely been cracked. Who knows what it may take to repair it?
Cheating, emotional or otherwise, has been taboo in just about every civilization since the beginning of time, even in cultures where men could have multiple wives. (I highly recommend Jay Budziszewski’s book, What We Can’t Not Know. He makes the strongest case I’ve read for a Natural Law to which all human beings are accountable. He is a prolific writer and professor of philosophy, for what that’s worth.) You just don’t mess with another man’s wife or another woman when you’re married. Period.
This isn’t just limited to sexuality. The Natural Law also encompasses stealing, lying, and about 6 of the other Ten Commandment-like principles. But what’s important here is not Natural Law, per se, but the result that manifests itself in the person themselves. Cheating changes the nature of who you are forever, and once that genie can’t be put back in the bottle once it’s out.
I’ve never physically cheated on my wife, but I have struggled with emotional fidelity and I know when I’m not moving toward my wife and choosing the relationship over other things, another woman or an activity like racquetball (I’m addicted), I’m moving away from her.
And it’s always eerily uncanny how she just seems to know it . . .
Just some food for thought and a little gas for the fire.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:54 am
I agree with lxmn1981. My husband was drawn to and had several intimate conversations with a subordinate married woman at work. She was younger, pretty and intelligent. He became emotionally attached to her. I could tell because he would come home and that’s all he would talk about…HER. The giant smile on his face gave it away. He began stopping after work to have drinks with his subordinates… something he’d never done before….Then one day, she confided to him that she was having an affair and was going to leave her husband. At that point he decided to tell me about it and he started to cry. He told me he felt like HE was getting a divorce. He told me he even was angry with her and had even tried to counsel her about it. I would call that emotional infidelity. WOW…wake up call. Our marriage was not in a good place at that time. We had drifted form each other emotionally. We had turned away form each other instead of toward each other. As I said the the counselor, “my best friend found a new friend.” We have come a long way since then, but there is still a little crack in our “foundation of trust”. Thank God for “women’s intuition”.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:54 am
OF course its cheating – anyone who thinks differently has got to have their head examined. He is breaking the vows of his marriage.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:13 am
This is Wikipedia’s definition of cheating… I think it sums it all up…
Cheating is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1] Cheating implies the breaking of rules. The term “cheating” is less applicable to the breaking of laws, as illegal activities are referred to by specific legal terminology such as fraud or corruption. Cheating is a primordial economic act: getting more for less, often used when referring to marital infidelity. A person who is guilty of cheating is generally referred to as a cheat (British English), or a cheater (American English).
January 12th, 2010 at 11:23 am
I think it is cheating. Way too much deception going on to be harmless.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
It’s cheating. He wouldn’t have to hide it if it wasn’t.
January 13th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
If it happened in my marriage, I would consider it cheating
January 18th, 2010 at 2:19 am
Hands down, no questions asked, period. YES IT IS CHEATING!!!!! in my opinion.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:50 pm
As soon as a party enters the marriage who is neither you nor your spouse, it’s cheating.
May 31st, 2010 at 9:45 am
I agree, the guy was cheating. However, what caused him to cheat in the first place? We’re hearing “her” side of the story. What’s his? Unresponsive wife? One too many of her headache excuses? Sounds like more of a communication problem, because if they really communicated with each other, this would likely never have been posted.
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