A Few Products I Love

And One I Don’t

And One I Wish I Could Try

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while—ever since my wonderful friend Drew signed me up as an official product tester for the sex toy company EdenFantasys.com. Many weeks ago, Drew sent me a couple products to test and to possibly blog about.

I was so excited about this new gig because my sex life had been getting a little boring. I hoped the new toys would spice things up a bit.

Alas, as soon the products arrived, my husband and I stopped having sex. It seemed as if the new products had put a curse on us. In reality, there were all sorts of very normal reasons for this dry spell, the swine flu being one of them.

At any rate, it took me a while to test the products. During this time, Shela Dean sent me a copy of her book Frequent Foreplay Miles and asked me if I would consider giving it a review. I read the book weeks ago, too, but, for reasons that I don’t even understand myself, I never got around to writing the review.

And then I purchased other products that I just need to tell you about. I am not getting paid to write about any of these products, although I did get some of them for free. I think you will be able to tell, just by reading what I have to say about them, that my reviews are genuine.

Sin In a Tin $14.99

This candle is made from soy. You light it and it melts into hot oil that is perfectly safe to pour onto human skin.

I don’t know about you, but I really love having hot oil poured on my body. I’ve found, too, that my husband is a lot more likely to give me a massage if I light this candle. Of course, the massage usually involves him trying to sneak something in the back door, but that’s what the candle is all about, so I can’t complain about that.

The candle also contains pheromones, those chemical signals that we all emit that supposedly serve as a turn on. It’s hard for me to say whether or not the pheromones did anything for me, as I was already pretty darn turned on before I ever lit the candle. I will say this, though. I have the candle sitting on my desk at the moment, mostly so I can look at the packaging and make sure I spell the name of the thing correctly in this post. I have to say. Something is going on down south, and I have nothing to blame it on but the candle. Go figure.

At any rate, I think massage candles are a great way to spice up a monotonous sex life.

Pussy Enhancers Luscious Warming Oil $8.99

Hey, I don’t name these products. I just write about them.

It’s my understanding, from reading the scant instructions, that this oil is designed for oral sex. You put it on yourself and then ask your partner to lick it off. As your partner licks it off, the oil warms up—and so do you.

I really wanted to try this oil because I’m all for anything that will help me to get in the mood just a little faster.

So, one day, I slathered it all over my nethers, told my husband about it, and asked him if he’d help me test the product.

“You’re on your own,” he said.

“What? Why?”

“I’m not tasting that stuff. What is it anyway?”

“It can’t be bad for you.” I said. “Come on. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Not going there,” he said.

“It’s supposed to taste like hot apple pie. How bad could it possibly be?”

He walked away from me.

I followed him, taunting him by saying “Hot apple pie! Hot apple pie!” and pointing to my crotch.

He wanted nothing to do with it.

I thought about testing the product with someone else, but I don’t think my husband would want anything to do with that, either.

And I’d give it away, but I already opened it. So that would be kind of gross.

What do you think I should do with the rest of the Hot Apple Pie? Any ideas? Have you ever tried a product like this? Did you like it?

Frequent Foreplay Miles $12.95

Shela Dean is an attorney and relationship coach. She wrote this book after making a discovery. She realized that foreplay was everything that happened outside of the bedroom. She was much more likely to be in the mood if her husband practiced random acts of affection all day long—winking at her from across a crowded room, refilling her glass during a dinner party, sending her flowers for no particular reason, hugging her when she walked in the door. She also realized that she was a lot less likely to be in the mood if he did the opposite—complained about her cooking, ignored her while she was talking, did not call if he was running late. So she devised a points system—awarding points for affectionate acts and taking away points for unaffectionate ones. The end result is what she calls “Frequent Foreplay Miles.”

I’ll be honest. I have not incorporated this points system in my marriage, mostly because I’m not a great scorekeeper, especially given my persistent case of momnesia. But I do think it’s a great way for couples to talk about this topic in a non-threatening way. For some couples, it might be a lot easier to say, “Ouch. Docking 5 foreplay miles for that comment about my potatoes” than it would be to have the conversation I had with my husband the other night—when I explained that his frequent complaints about my cooking made me not want to cook at all. (He stopped complaining). If you have trouble speaking up in your marriage, this could be the perfect book for you—as it gives you a fun system for communicating your likes and dislikes.

Meditations for a Kind Heart

I bought this CD from my meditation teacher, who is doing a series of lectures about compassion. Each week I sit and listen to her lecture. Each week I promise that I will make it through a whole week without thinking that a single living being should rot in hell. I fail miserably at this goal. I come back the next week, listen to the lecture, make the same promise, and fail yet again. A few weeks ago, I decided I needed more than a once weekly lecture. I needed daily help. So I bought this CD. I listened to it every day for a week. The meditations were about perfect in terms of length. The person on the CD talked just enough—not too much, not too little. I found I could easily follow the instructions. Most important, after each session, I felt transformed. Suddenly, people who once irritated me to no end didn’t seem so irritating.

A week later, I got busy and stopped listening to the CD. I also skipped my meditation class. Now if looks could kill, many, many people would no longer be with us. Obviously, the CD was doing something for me, so I’m going to start listening to it again. Promise. In the meantime, you might want to stay away from me if you know what’s good for you—especially if you work for Printies.

Printies $19.99

My daughter saw the Printies commercial on the TV and told me that she just HAD to have Printies or her life would not be complete. I was suffering an intense moment of weakness when she asked for them. That moment had come about, because, moments before, she’d looked at me and had said in all seriousness, “Mommy, your heart is two sizes too small.”

To prove to her that I, indeed, did have a normal sized heart, I ordered them. They took so long to be delivered that I forgot about them—and so did my daughter. We’re talking weeks.

When they came, I learned:

I needed to register on the Printies website in order to use the product.
My registration needed to be confirmed, a process that took way too long, in my opinion, especially since my daughter was standing next to me, jumping up and down, and asking, “Can I use my Printies yet? Can I use my Printies yet?” I got the confirmation hours later, again after we’d both forgotten about it.
The only part of the toy-making process that my daughter could do without my help was the design part on the computer. She needed my help to print them. She needed my help to form them. She needed my help to stuff them. And she needed my help to put on their plastic shoes. Now, I don’t know about you, but my idea of the perfect craft project is one that my daughter can do without my help. Yes, painting with real paint and gluing with real glue might be messy, but I can unload the dishwasher while she makes that mess. Printies doesn’t make a mess, but I can’t get anything else done while my daughter is making her Printies.

I would give Printies a big fat F, but my daughter happens to LOVE them. She used up every single design within two days. She sleeps with her creations and brings them to school for show and tell. She made a few for her cousins as gifts, and now she wants more. It’s possible Santa might have a kinder heart than her mother and that her wish will be granted. It’s also possible that her mother’s heart will grow two sizes between now and Christmas, especially if she starts listening to her meditation CD again.

Only time will tell.