This is $500 worth of sex toys.
Seriously, if you have an issue with the word “dildo,” please don’t read this post. Just come back Wednesday, when I’ll be writing about Karma and M&Ms. Today, however, I’m going to be using the dildo word a lot, even though, in reality, this post is not about dildos. It’s about friendship. But in order to explain it all, I must use that word quite a few times.
And for those of you who do not have a problem with dildos, I have great news. You might be able to win one. Read to the end of the post to find out how.
But first, let’s back up a little.
This weekend, I attended a blogging conference called Type A Mom. I went because I’m virtual friends with Violet Wolff. When I registered and booked my flight, I did it sort of mindlessly, thinking only, “Hey it will be great to finally meet Violet!”
It wasn’t until I showed up in Asheville, North Carolina that I realized what I’d done. I’d completely taken myself out of my comfort zone. You see, despite how fearlessly honest I am on this blog, I’m fairly shy and reticent in real life. I manage to pull off seeming normal in most of my social interactions because I make sure that at least three close friends will be attending.
At the blogging conference, I only knew one person, and saying I knew her is sort of a stretch. I’d never met her in person before. We were friendly on Twitter and we read each other’s blogs.
As I walked around and scoped out the scene, it seemed like the other mommy bloggers at the conference were already best friends. They also all seemed like extroverts. At one point, I felt so out of place that I walked outside, sat in a rocking chair, and moped, thinking things like, “I don’t know why I thought I could do this,” and “I suck at networking,” and “Why do I have to be such a colossal dork?” and “Why is this so hard for me?” and “Why can’t I be gregarious and outgoing, like those other moms?”
It was a bad place.
Then I walked inside and bumped into Violet. She said, “We’re going to lunch. Want to come?”
“Sure,” I said.
So four of us—me, Violet, Dixie, and Josie (everyone’s name is a pseudonym, by the way, because these fine ladies work for and in corporate America, where people who want to remain gainfully employed have to feign ignorance about all things dildo) drove into town to a restaurant called Nine Mile. We thoroughly enjoyed the food and beer, and we ate enough garlic to kill the entire Volturi coven and then some. (Yes, I know, the Twilight vampires aren’t bothered by garlic, but I really liked that sentence. So sue me). And we bonded.
Seriously. By the end of the lunch, we were talking about who’d experienced female ejaculation and who hadn’t, who’d had multiple orgasms and who hadn’t, who’d had G-spot orgasms and who hadn’t. It was THAT sort of bonding. You would have thought we’d grown up together. You would have thought we were blood sisters. You would have thought we’d known each other a lot longer than a few hours.
Suddenly I didn’t feel like a social dork. I felt like part of a really awesome club. I was glad I’d had the courage to break out of my comfort zone.
Back at the conference, there were a bunch of sponsors who were all giving away free stuff (also known as schwag). One schwag table was jointly sponsored by Tantus and EdenFantasys.com. On it were some stickers with the following slogans:
More orgasms, less work
… with love and dildos for all.
I love myself!
I was drawn to those stickers like a single horny woman is drawn to her dildo. Unlike the other tables though, no one staffed this one. So I spent a great deal of time during the rest of the conference trying to find the EdenFantasys rep. Hey, I might be a social dork, but I’m quite obsessed with knowing about every product that’s ever been invented that might possibly help me get in the mood or enjoy sex on a deeper level. (That pun was not intended).
When I finally found the sex rep, he was carrying a little black bag and he said in a polite whisper, “I have some dildos in my bag. Would you like one?”
“Would I ever!” I said about 100 decibels too loudly.
He gave me a pink one. It’s just adorable.
I ran and found my blood sisters from lunch. “Look what I got! Look what I got!” I said.
They all had one, too. So I decided that we should call ourselves The Pink Dildo Club.
As it turned out, Mr. EdenFantasys was running a raffle. The prize was $500 worth of sex toys. Everyone from the Pink Dildo Club entered, and we made a pact that whomever won would split the prize with the others.
On the last day of the conference, the winner was to be announced. We kept pestering Mr. EdenFantasys, asking him to just announce the winner already. The anticipation was killing us slowly.
Finally, he did. As the conference organizer pulled a raffle ticket from the box, everyone from the Pink Dildo Club was sending our strong and urgent prayers to the greater universe.
Well, you know what? We won! In the moment the winner was announced? I was jumping up and down while making one of those squealing noises that only women can make. It was as if, in one big moment, all of the work I’d put into my Karma Project had paid off in a really awesome way.
Mr. EdenFantasys took us to his hotel room, where the $500 worth of sex toys were beautifully arranged in a wicker basket. We all hugged him and thanked him. Then we took the sex toys, drove to a sushi restaurant, and looked at every single one of them as discreetly as we could. Then we divvied them up.
I took a purple dildo and the Endless Staying Power Ring (note that this Ring is really called something that starts with a C and describes the male member, but I’ve always hated that word, for reasons I don’t quite understand. So I’ve decided to rename the device).
Which brings me to how you can win one. The members of the Pink Dildo Club have graciously decided to Pay it Forward by giving two of the toys to you, my adoring readers. (My once adoring readers? Do you still adore me now that I’ve made you read the word dildo 14 times?) It must be said that we’ve mostly agreed to give these two toys away because none of us really wanted them, but that’s beside the point.
So, here’s how this is going to work. Two of my favorite commenters on this post will win either a Little Flirt or a Beginner Ball Gag. My judging will be completely subjective, but let’s just say this. If you make me laugh so hard that I spit my lunch onto my computer screen? You have a high probability of winning. If you read this blog on Facebook or via email, you must click through and leave your comment on the blog for it to count. If you’d like to comment but you don’t want to be caught dead with one of those prizes? Just let me know. No worries. I won’t force you to accept dildo karma.
I would love if, in the comments, we could discuss:
1. Why, as a society, are we generally so uncomfortable talking about sex? Presumably we all do it. After all, the population keeps increasing. SOMEONE is having sex in order to make that happen. Yet, none of us want to be associated with it. Why is that?
2. I’ve heard that some women keep their sex toys private from their husbands because they don’t feel their husbands would approve. Others are so worried about what their husbands would think that they don’t have any toys at all. Men are you for or against vibrators and dildos? Why or why not?
3. Why is the word “dildo” so icky sounding? It was seriously difficult for me to write this post. I wanted to call them something else, like, “Male member substitute.” Is this just me? Let’s discuss.
4. What are the pros and cons of sex toys? Do you use them? Do you avoid them? Share your thoughts.
I will close the comments and pick the winner on Friday.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
I love you for this post.
SO glad your whole table won!!!
Here’s my FAVORITE use of the word “dildo”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFk4S8JlapQ
You crack me up. My thoughts are this. People don’t like to talk about sex because if they are like me, they can’t help but visualize everything. Even when I’m talking with my girlfriends, I start visualizing it so it’s probably better that my parents never spoke about it. On the pros and cons of sex toys, this is actually a new area for me. I am separated from my husband so it’s been a very long time for me with no sex. I’m practically a virgin again (with a 3yr old son). I recently attended a sex toy party at a friends house and purchased my first dildo (I like the term B.O.B. for battery operated boyfriend) at the age of 30. Let’s just say I raced to get batteries after the party because I couldn’t wait to give it a try. Not sure if it’s a pro or con but it has woken up every sex nerve in my body. I have been having crazy porn fantasies play out in my head about every good looking guy I see including the checkout boy, the delivery guy, the neighbor across the street. It’s insane. So the pro is I’m ready for sex- the con is I have no one to have sex with.
On the last page of Nancy Friday’s book “Beyond my Control,” she asks: “What kind of shame is it that we attach to our bodies? It must be buried very deep and go back to the beginning of time, not just our time but the beginning, as in Adam and Eve trying to cover their naked bodies, racing from the Garden of Eden before God smites them.”
This, I think, is the basis for the discomfort we feel about “dildos,” the inability many of us have in even talking about sex, the disconnect between the pleasure sex brings us and the anguish we feel for wanting that pleasure.
I personally think #1 is a fascinating question. So, we all have the same basic gear (male or female versions) but you would think that nudity would threaten Western Civilization. A woman breastfeeds in public and people–including some women–have a complete moral meltdown. Even though this is the most natural activity imaginable! Someone disrobes at a beach and people have a stroke. At least that’s the case here in the U.S., though in Europe and many other parts of the world it’s much less the case. Meanwhile, the porn industry dwarfs Hollywood and Bollywood but it exists in stealth mode. Nobody admits to watching it but obviously a lot of people are watching it. Sort of like around our house when the kids break something or make a mess and mom or dad walk in. It’s always “not me”. Well, this Not Me guy is never seen but he sure gets around a lot.
The point? There’s a great deal of shame about our bodies and sex. Ditto for other functions such as passing gas. Let’s face it, we all do it regularly but we have to pretend that we don’t. Now, I’m not advocating a complete blow-out and no public restraint. I’m just saying that we’re ashamed and we don’t want it to look as though we’re some kind of deviant or highly sexed freak. Personally, I think this has a lot to do with our Puritanical roots. Let’s face it, America is more prudish than most of the civilized world. But the more we try to press all this stuff down the more it bubbles up in strange ways.
As for #2, I’m all for anything that makes a person feel good and enjoy sex more (as long as it’s consensual and there’s no harm done). Of course a woman can take the dildo concept too far and if she’s playing with her toys at the exclusion of her partner–or reducing sexual interaction because of it–that’s not cool. But otherwise who cares? And why not volunteer to help out by watching, kissing, or providing some other Northern Hemisphere need while all the seismic activity is going on in the Southern Hemisphere. Seems like it could be pretty enjoyable for everyone.
Okay, #3, it sounds icky because it is icky. There’s nothing soft or sexy about the word dildo. The word sounds robotic and stupid. So, may I suggest renaming it something else? Anything else? Perhaps your secret crush from high school or Mr. May from the Fireman’s calendar? And why not “toy” in general usage. Everyone knows what this means.
Finally, #4. I have no idea what the girls do but I have never known any boys that use toys. We have a good relationship with our hand and it works quite well. Of course, there are bots with bits out there: http://www.realdoll.com/. And I guess there are the c-rings too. But, as far as I can ascertain, we don’t have parties and conferences and tell each other. It’s a question #1 issue. And this is the only instance in which I fully support question #1 behavior
Not interested in the prize but always glad to add my two cents…
This post is hysterical! I, too, wonder why people are so uncomfortable talking about sex. I was watching an interview the other day with an actor on the show True Blood and she said that it’s funny how all the American press tours make a big deal about having sex on TV and the European tours don’t even bring it up. Not sure why/how we got so stuffy about sex.
As far as pros and cons of sex toys – I think you have to test drive many before you find what you like. In my early 20′s it seemed all my friends were having those home sex-toy parties so I collected and tried quite a few. I think some vibrators are wayyy too intense where it’s not even enjoyable, and some are just right. My husband doesn’t seem to mind if we do/don’t use them – so it’s pretty much a non-issue here.
I kind of agree about the word ‘dildo’ – but I think, again, it may just be our society that makes us think that word is dirty because it implies we are **gasp** doing something sexual. I think there could be a prettier word though – I’m not sure what….
The pros and cons
pros:
-can help a woman be satisfied when she is without her parter for an extent of time
-can help her learn about herself, and thus teach her partner how to plaease her
-are healthier than seeking out sex workers
-can be used discreetly
cons:
-can possibly make an insecure man feel inadquate
-could cause frustration if a partner is not able to achieve what the toy did or does
-could have a less than postive experience by using one that isn’t right for you
I grew up in a household of people not afraid to talk about sex. I can talk about sex with just about anyone, as long as they don’t have an issue talking about sex.
I don’t have sex toys. I’ve used vibrators in the past, but they were truly muscle vibrators, not sex type vibrators. So, I don’t know if that even counts.
Dildo isn’t the nicest word. But there are worse words in the English language.
I personally don’t have any issue with sex toys. Some people need them. I learned how to self-satisfy at an early age. I can have multiple orgasms if the guy I’m with can keep up (no pun intended). But I’m just never bothered buying any. For my 21st birthday, I had a sex-a-ware party. Sexy lingerie, oils, yummy dusting powders, etc. It was fun and I modeled a lot of the clothing for my girlfriends that were less brazen than I. And I have wet dreams – which I’m not sure if that is even normal for a girl. But, it happens and I’m not complaining. LOL!!!
I’m not interested in what you are giving away. I just had to comment.
I won the last give-a-away so I kinda feel bad even entering. I can’t say I can make you laugh….well, actually, heck, I’ll give it a try….Lord help/forgive me…..(I don’t know which!) Even if I do make you laugh, you can give them to someone else….if you want!
I took Human Sexuality (Psychology 130) back in High School/College….I was 16, and yes, my mom had to sign a waiver for me to take the class. I was going to a magnet High School and a Community College at the same time. When the “Safe Sex,” or rather, “Mechanics of Sex,” part of the class came around, here’s what happened:
I, Sarah, the ONLY virgin AND youngest person in the ENTIRE class (out of about 60 people, ages 16–72, seriously) volunteered to put a condom on the Visual Aid of a WOODEN DILDO! Yep, that’s right. I was the only virgin in the class (and proud of it, by the way, thank you!), NEVER had sex, never seen a penis, never even made out with a guy at that point in my life (now, that part might be sad, but I digress)….and here I was…this shy, prudish, little lady showing the ENTIRE class how to CORRECTLY put a condom on a penis.
The Dildo was actually quite pretty–it was hand-carved (I’m not kidding!) and made out of dark wood. Obviously, it was specially made for my professor as a Visual Aid and NOT as a toy to use–because, ouch, splinters might hurt! LOL! It was glazed over and shiny and nice….and, come to find out later on in my life, pretty true to life too!
Anyway, I stood before the class and showed all of them how to properly put a condom on a man. And for some reason, whenever I tell this story, people find it HILARIOUS! I don’t know why, no one else would do it that day and hey, I figured, SOMEDAY I’d be having sex and I would/should know how to put a condom on a guy. I had enough courage to get over my embarasment (and the fact that no one volunteered and after 10 minutes, I was like “what the heck!”) to learn what could be a LIFE-SAVING task.
So, that’s my story.
Now, why do I think people are afraid to talk about dildo’s/sex toys: it’s embarassing, it can make you sound slutty, they can intimidate men into oblivion, they’re kinda funny looking, no matter how wonderfully they’re made they STILL don’t compare to the REAL thing.
There can be a lot of shame involved and non-marital sex of ANY kind being frowned upon by a lot of religions and even just personal spiritual beliefs. There’s one reasons sex toys are more discussed.
Then there’s people like me (only not so much now since I’ve responsed to this post on the WORLD WIDE WEB! I really hope my boss doesn’t find this!), who are just too much of a goody-two-shoes to discuss this in the presence of people I don’t know/trust. I consider myself a lady and ‘ladies’ and ‘good girls’ (I’m also one of those!) don’t really talk about this stuff in general.
Also we’re in a society where we are brought up to be dependent on SOMEONE ELSE for our sexual satisfaction. And you’re right, Alisa, the word, ‘Dildo,’ isn’t exactly nice. We do need a better name for them!
As far as using sex toys, if you take mainstream religion out of it, I think using them by yourself, on yourself, or with your partner can be quite fun! They are totally safe (as long as they’re taken care of and washed properly in between uses) and you can’t get pregnant using them! Oh and they can’t talk back to you like a man/woman can! Huge bonus there!
I also think a lot of women don’t know how to use them, are afraid to ask and are worried about hurting their mans feelings if they want/need one. That’s just my opinion.
And if I had kids, I’d be terrified of my kids finding my ‘toys’ and having to either come up with something silly on the spot or god forbid EXPLAIN them. The explaining what they are (when kids are teenagers) isn’t a bad thing, but the idea of their MOM using one? Totally gross and potentially damaging! Ok, not literally, but still gross! LOL!
As for this post, I have to admit, the following made me laugh ’till I cried….”Hey, I might be a social dork, but I… Read More’m quite obsessed with knowing about every product that’s ever been invented that might possibly help me get in the mood or enjoy sex on a deeper level. (That pun was not intended).” So funny, thank you for sharing, I adore your honesty and am glad to know I’m not the only one who enjoys great sex–and its endless possibilities! Have a great day! And again, thanks for literally making me LOL!
Endless Staying Power Ring….that’s a new on me, I like it! LOL!
I keep looking for a “code” word or “code saying” for sex, I still haven’t found one.
Anyway……
“sending our strong and urgent prayers to the greater universe”…..one of the best lines ever, talking about sex or whatever the case may be, really, really cool way to put out sending good vibes!
And your name for your new little club…..Pink Dildo Club….ROTFLMAO!
Blissful Blessings,
-Sarah
Case in point…Alisa….after adding my comment, I read the others and we all said “not interested in the give-a-way” or “don’t want them,” or “give them to someone else”….THAT right there is your case study, your proving your point and, well, sad.
Sarah Liz,
I’m not sure that people saying they don’t want the prize is intrinsically “sad.” There could be several reasons why this is the case: a) They already have toys and are happy with what they have b) a person is male (like me) and not needing a dildo for personal use c) they’re not ashamed to use a toy but they prefer using their own hands (my wife prefers this approach). So, some type of shame or discomfort may or may not be the case.
Sam: it also could be that they clicked through and saw that the giveaways weren’t quite what they’d imagined, too. Also, I think you could actually use both of them as a man, especially if you are into S&M. Just putting it out there.
Everyone: love the comments so far. You make me so proud. It will be very difficult to pick a winner. And, no worries. I will keep the winner anonymous if requested. I will not out any of you without permission!
Overheard at Type A Mom (really, would I lie?):
“Hello, ladies. My name’s Willy. I represent WAD. Stands for Women Adore Dildos. And if you don’t now, you will after my presentation. I’m here to demonstrate the latest in 21st century dildo technology, or as I like to call it, Advanced Dildonics.
Let me ask you: have you had it with dongs that are just all wrong? Wangs that can’t hang? Like your batteries are running low? Feel like there’s a hole in your life that’s unfilled? Have you been left feeling like there’s just a few good inches between you and Nirvana? Well, look no further.
Our selection of highly stimulating items are guaranteed to rise to the occasion to bring you all the way to where you need to go. Day or night, on the run, on the down-low, or even before those boring office meetings, you can be sure you’ll enjoy every delightful bit our dildos have to offer.
Now, this isn’t your grandmother’s dildo technology we’re talking here. What we have for you is next-generation industry-proven rock-solid performance, double-blind (and double-penetration) tested, and offers uncompromisingly deep satisfaction in personal pleasure devices.
We have small items for moments that require discretion and ones that will make you want to share the fun. Versions available include: Standard, Vibrating, and Good Lord I Never Knew It Could Be Like This, Tell Your Father I’ll See Him In A Week. And for a limited time we offer generously proportioned items that can double as personal protection devices thanks to the included dildo-defense instructional DVD.
So move on up to the sweet spot of portable pleasure and treat yourself, or your partner, to the very best in hand held bliss. Get one for the bedroom, the shower, the purse. Get one for each and every place you can picture putting one. Ride on over today and grab yourself one of our new dildos today!”
<>
P.S. – Dildos for everyone!
Alisa, you are hysterical. I love the topic. Great sex is a must for me in my bliss list. I have recently wondered all the same. We must cross paths. Did you know back in the early 1900′s they gave women dildos to cure insanity. I swear ~ I sold sex toys for a small period for passion parties. A fun line. It was before I got dead serious about being a coach and didn’t want to split up my time. Even the history of dildos is hysterical! I love it. Absolutely love it!
I recently raised the subject of introducing toys into my marital bed and was pleasantly surprised—and amused—by my husband’s response: “If women didn’t need them, they wouldn’t sell them. And if men needed them, they’d sell them in the supermarket.”
In high school in my group of friends we all took to calling each other “dildo”. We threw the word around like no one’s business. One day it made its way into a project we were working on, and we had to explain what a dildo actually is to the girl in question, and why it wasn’t appropriate to share with our Catholic school teachers and other classmates.
The word always puts a smile on my face.
Little Flirt FTW!! I NEED exactly one of these. Please and thank you.
Wait, wait… a HISTORY lesson! http://www.sloshspot.com/blog/09-28-2009/An-Illustrated-History-of-Sex-Toys-220
I vote for Lee. That was one funny ad.
This one may not say a whole lot about Dildos but sure does say alot about how we are taught not to say things about sex….
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it..
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu All winter.’
Here’s to a great Flu Season!!!
I’d like to you meet BOB…my Battery Operated Boyfriend. I’ve been dating Bob for years. My husband, on the other hand, is very intimidated by Bob. He never lets me bring Bob to the party…mostly because he’s jealous…bob is wayyyyy better than him…and never dissappoints…and never needs viagra!!
Amy and Melanie get my votes….hysterical! Thanks for the laughs, ladies!
Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I just want to say YAY FOR SEX TOYS!!!!!! Sex toys are fantastic. Super fantastic. I love mine!
Anyway, yeah… You know what? I don’t have much more to say than that. I think I’m going to go re-familiarize myself with BOB. LATER!
HAHA.
Loved everyone’s comments. So I’ve picked two winners and will email them personally. If they wish to publicly claim their prize, they can. But I’ve promised not to out anyone, so I won’t.
I’m not scared!! Thanks for the prize!!! I will privately send you my address tho! WHO HOO!!!!! I can’t wait!!!
Thanks for the prize Alisa! I’ve never won anything in my life. I just hope my 13 year old daughter doesn’t open the package!! Keep up the great work. I just love your blog!
Hi, I love your blog.
In answer to your questions, I don’t like to talk with my friends about sex – or relationships for that matter because some things are just personal, between me and him, noone else. It’s why I don’t like public displays of affection. It’s not for anyone else, its for me. All mine and I don’t feel the need to share.
In my last relationship (which was my first ever relationship) we as a couple used plenty of sex toys but the sex is so good in my new relationship, I don’t feel the need for any. Also, I have never been able to give myself an orgasm. Sex for me is far too linked to the other person and what I feel for them.
Hahahah! Funny! I love your site.
That’s true, a really X rated post hehe, I read it without childrens around!! Thanks!! I learned a lot.