I’m not a naturally happy person. I come from a long line of negative, pessimistic, doubtful, anxious, dissatisfied people—people who would like the government to declare any given rainy day a national day of mourning.
Seeing the glass half full? That’s a struggle. Relishing and celebrating my successes? I rarely have time for that because I’m usually obsessed about what I haven’t yet accomplished. Living in the moment? I’m satisfied if I manage to do that for a few moments while having sex with my husband.
Indeed, most of the traits that researchers say naturally happy people have in spades? I don’t have them, but I’ve still managed to find my way to happiness – most of the time—by working at it. Here’s what has worked for me.
1. Change what you can. No one is stopping you from achieving your dreams or living the life you want to live—but you. Get out of your own way. Stop making excuses. Take responsibility for your happiness, and take charge of your life.
2. Accept what you can’t. I’ve learned that much of my mental anguish stems from wishing things were other than what they are. I might wish that it wasn’t so stinking hot outside or that I had more resources to accomplish my career goals (you know, like a trust fund). Well, you know what? Wishing it wasn’t so stinking hot outside isn’t going to change the temperature. Wishing I had a trust fund isn’t going to get me a trust fund. I’ve learned to accept my lot in life for what it is.
3. Live with the end in mind. Think about what you want people to say about you at your funeral. I doubt you want them to say, “She was the grumpiest, greediest, most selfish person I’ve ever known.” Then don’t be that person. Strive to be the person you want others to revere.
4. Laugh at your shortcomings. There isn’t a single person on this planet who is perfect. We all screw up, but some people hide their screwedupness better than others. Appearing perfect on the outside, however, usually doesn’t make you happy on the inside. When you learn to forgive your faults, laugh at them, and tell others about them? You learn to love your whole self, and you allow others to love all of you, too.
5. Exercise your mind. I’ve written about my battles with meditation, often making fun of myself and the practice. Lately, however, I’ve gotten better at it, and I’ve found that daily meditation is one of the things that brings me true bliss. Think of your mind as a muscle. If you don’t exercise it with meditation, it remains weak. And just like exercising your muscles with physical activity, it takes your mind a while to get in shape. In the beginning, it complains, saying, “This is hard. This is boring. I just want to watch TV. Stop doing this!” After a while though, it gets stronger and, when that happens, it’s really amazing.
6. Stop shoulding on yourself. You don’t have to do anything in this life. You really don’t. Choose what you do in life rather than acting out of obligation.
7. Stop shoulding on others. You are not in charge of the happiness of others. Let others live their own lives, even if their life choices don’t seem to make sense to you.
8. Find a life purpose. The happiness we get from things, money, prestige, fame, and respect is fleeting. The happiness we get from living a purposeful life is ever lasting. What do you want your life to be about? What lasting impressions do you want to leave on this world? How do you want to affect the world around you? Make your life about getting something important done—something that only you can do.
9. Strive to understand others rather than change them. How well do you really know your friends, your family or your children?
10. Stop placing people in black and white categories. We often think of people as “good” or “bad.” In reality, we are all flawed individuals who desperately want to be happy. We all have the same life motivation. We just go about achieving it in much different ways.
How have you learned to be happy? Leave a comment so others can learn from your success.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
From one negative, pessimistic, doubtful, anxious, dissatisfied person to another, Amen Sister!
I am honestly surprised how my life has changed in the last month as I have been trying to identify what #8 is for me. Just the process of identifying the need has been eye opening to me and trying to find a purpose worthy of achieving, that is truly a stretch for me has given me much more clarity and contentment. Great post. I have yet to find one that hasn’t resonated or given me value to take away. Keep them coming!
Kim L
“Appearing perfect on the outside, however, usually doesn’t make you happy on the inside.”
What a good way of putting it, and very true. A lot of time is wasted on the attempt to be perfect to others, or even “acceptable” to others at all times. It is a false projection, and ultimately a rejection of your true self, which isn’t “all good” or “all bad” but somewhere in the middle – and a mixture of good, bad, and middling, like most humans.
Thanks, this post was very helpful.
Cristal clear post. All of us are reluctant to admît that happiness is an everyday practice. It takes time to accept our responsability in the process and your post can help. Would you mind if I translate it in french, with your credits of course ?
I’m so glad you made this post! I’ve been struggling for a long time, trying to snap myself out of this pessimistic attitude which I tend to slip back into constantly. (Kind of like “ONE step forward, TWO steps back”!) I dislike the fact that I have to actually WORK to be happy, when it always seems so easy for others. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one in that category though.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and was interested in your Buddhist meditation classes that you mentioned previously. The idea has become much more appealing recently, when just this past weekend, I read in the paper that a Buddhist retreat/center for meditation is going to be set up somewhat close by! If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. I also found out that there’s a Zen center in my town. I still have yet to go; I’m a bit of a hermit, and getting out of the house and into society is always a slow process for me.
I’m so glad I signed up for the newsletter version of your blog! I love getting meaningful emails.
Keep up the great advice!
One of my favorite blogs is the Happiness Project, (http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/) which lists suggestions very close to yours. I seem to be happier when I remember to be myself and love myself for who I am, instead of wishing I was someone I’m not.
Bea– Thanks for the link. Just checked out your blog. Good luck with the residency + baby!
Everyone: Thanks for the encouragement and interest in the site! That always makes me happy.
Jacques: Of course you can. Thanks for asking.
I am fully agreed with all these items!! you are quite right!!