Does your spouse ever tell you to do or not do something that he doesn’t do himself? For instance, perhaps he has female friends but tells you that he doesn’t want you to pal around with members of the opposite sex. Maybe she stays out late for Girl’s Night Out, but tells you that you’d better be home by 10 p.m. if you ever want to have sex again for as long as you live (with her, at least).
Ah, the double standard.
It’s common and comes in so many shapes and sizes. For instance, my husband keeps telling me that he wants the bathroom counter completely clear of clutter. He wants all of my accoutrements-facial cleanser, hairbrush, dental floss-in a drawer. Yet, it’s okay for him to have his soap in plain sight, not to mention a lineup of water glasses, all with stale water inside.
I’ve been known to inflict the double standard, too. I’m not going to mention my double standard here because my husband hasn’t quite caught on to the unfairness of the situation and I’d like to keep it that way. (For anyone who is about to comment that I’m a sorry excuse for a wife for being this way, I feel the need to stipulate that the previous sentence was an attempt at humor. I’m sorry you didn’t laugh.)
Most marriages are plagued by one or more of these unfair situations. When I recently asked my Facebook friends to tell me about the double standards in their lives, I got tons of comments and emails. I heard from women who’d lost their jobs and were told by their husbands to get off their lazy rears and find paying work. When their husbands were laid off, though? They decided to enjoy the easy life for a while.
I also heard from women who were sick of giving their husbands “atta boys” for doing routine chores such as the laundry and dish washing. One asked, “He never makes a fuss when I do it, so why should I have to pretend he just accomplished a feat worthy of a Nobel Prize?”
I’m sure you can think up a few examples from your relationship. To address these issues, do the following:
1. Decide whether or not it’s worth bringing up. For instance, my husband’s issue with the bathroom counter doesn’t bother me. For some reason, I find it endearing. I smile whenever I see his drink cups lined up on the bathroom counter. I suppose I like knowing that he’s fallible. Other Double Standards, however, should be addressed. If the Double Standard causes you to seethe with anger and imagine all of the convenient ways he or she could conveniently drop dead? Address it.
2. Walk a mile in your spouse’s shoes. Try to understand why he or she wants things a certain way. Most of the time, a double standard pops up for one of three reasons:
- It’s a control issue. Most control issues stem from not feeling adored. For instance, if I can make my husband do the laundry my way, even if I don’t do it my way myself? That must mean he really loves me. (This isn’t the double standard that I’m keeping secret, by the way. In fact, I could care less how my husband does the laundry.) Note that some control issues stem from a psychological need to establish order. If your spouse controls everyone-friends, parents, the family pet-rather than just you? She probably feels anxious when the world around her isn’t orderly and predictable.
- It’s a trust issue. Like control issues, trust issues stem from not feeling adored. For instance, if your spouse doesn’t want you to have opposite sex friends? He doesn’t trust you. He’s worried that you might like one of these friends more than you like him and, consequently, have an affair or ask for a divorce. He doesn’t feel properly adored. If he did, he’d know that you thought he was too important to risk losing over the minor thrill of an affair.
- It’s a neediness issue. Spouses who seek compliments or lots of together time are really seeking your approval. This stems from (can you guess?) not feeling adored. Giving your husband an “Atta Boy” for doing the laundry is one of the ways you can show your love and adoration for him, even if you don’t need the same “Atta Girl” in return.
3. Ask your spouse about the situation. Do this when you are calm and try to phrase it as a question. For instance, you might say, “I noticed that you don’t want me out late at night, but you seem to stay out late a lot. Have you noticed this?” Assuming you can get your spouse to admit the issue, follow up with another question, “Why do you do this?” Then shut up and listen. Depending on that answer, you might follow up with what you think (ie. “I’m just wondering if you don’t trust me?” or “It feels like you are trying to control me. Are you?”) Explore the issue with open dialogue, continually saying things like, “I’m not mad about it. I just want to understand.” Obviously, you really need to mean it or your tone of voice isn’t going to match your words.
4. Once you arrive at a common understanding of the situation, talk about possible solutions to your problem. Perhaps there are things you can do to make your spouse feel adored, so she or he trusts you and doesn’t feel the need to control you. There’s no one right solution here. Keep tossing them out there until something sticks.
How do you deal with double standards in your relationship? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
what if you confront him and he tells you yes, i am the MAN here, i control you!!
Zaina–I think if I remember correctly that your cultural customs are different from mine, right? In the US, for the most part, if a man said something like that, a woman would tell him where he could shove his manly control. (Not that the technique would save the marriage, just saying). But I think you are from somewhere where this is more the norm? I’m just curious. Also, I’m not sure my advice will be as effective because of it.
But it’s important for him to understand how his behavior and control affects you for the worse. Generally, most people do not want to purposefully make other people unhappy. If you can find a way to explain how you feel when he talks to you that way, you might be able to move things forward. It’s about you understanding him and him understanding you.
Hi, I can
My husband became very upset with me for speaking to an old friend on facebook because my friend was a male. I also dated this male for about a month when I was fifteen years old. I am almost 37 years old now and love my life. However, when he became upset I appoligized for hurting his feelings and did what ever it took to make it better. Last week we were sitting at the computer together and he had a private facebook message in his in box. When he clicked on messages I could see that he has been talking to female friends, but one inparticular….I see her often because she works with my friend and she is ALWAYS rude to me. I have cried to him and told him I don’t understand and for some reason it hurts my feelings. Well….he has been talking to her on facebook and I feel betrayed. The issue is two fold, I feel like it is a double standard and I feel like its a betrayal of loyality. I feel like he should have my back and not be talking to someone who is out right rude to me…for no reason, no matter how long they have been friends. I would not want to be friendly who is rude to my spouse. My loyality lies with him, not with anyone else. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with any of this and an apology or change in behavior is out of the question. Now what????
Double Standards are also a very typical symptom of abusive relationships.
Abusers try to demonstrate their “power” by using double standards. They can do whatever they want to, because they feel entitled, whereas their spouse has to follow different, stricter rules (about opposite-sex friendships, manners, spending, you name it). The abuser does that intentionally, and not because he doesn’t feel “adored”.
If you deal with an abuser, get ready for a long power-struggle, set firm boundaries and don’t let them get away with their BS. Get out, if you’ve had enough or the situation gets dangerous, especially for the kids.
I appreciate your website, but sometimes it seems a little naive and one-sided. Plus, it often minimizes serious issues and dangerous relationship dynamics.
Hi every one,
Well a long debate and a long struggle. Can’t really say where to start. But its like, my hubby will go out with his friends almost everyday and is all fine with it, and expects me to be the same too. But the response is not at all comfortable when I plan to go out with my friends or even talk to them on phone, be it in a weeks time of after a couple of years. He might even shout at me over the phone if I am socializing for no apparent reason!!
I need to know where am I going wrong. Should I not feel bad at this double standard or is it just me thinking too much?