How to get past an affair
Q: I’ve been married for more than 20 years. During this time, my husband has cheated on me more than once. I’d like to make my marriage work. I really want to forgive him and move on, but I can’t seem to get past my feelings of insecurity. I can’t get past the fear that he will hurt me again. What should I do? –Emotionally Distant
Dear Emotionally Distant:
It’s difficult for me to offer advice because, if I were married to your husband, I would have kicked his sorry ass to the curb a long time ago. I realize, however, that you still love him and want to make things work. To do so, you need to understand that the recovery after a marital affair is similar to the grieving process. You will progress through many stages. They are all normal and all necessary. As much as you’d like to just skip all of the negative stuff and get to that “we’re happy” place, you just can’t.
According to research done at Kansas State University, there are three stages of recovery after an affair.
Stage 1: The Roller Coaster
You don’t know what to feel because you feel everything! You’re pissed. You blame him. You blame yourself. You’re depressed. You’re demoralized. You still love him, but you hate him, too. You want him to love you, but you also wish he’d die a very painful and prolonged death, one that might involve the slow shrinkage and eventual disappearance of his private parts.
Stage 2: The Emotional Wall.
You don’t want to get hurt again, so you wall off your feelings. You find comfort from others rather than from your spouse. You still obsess about what happened, but your emotions are numb. You try not to feel anything, good or bad. During this stage, your mind will be filled with questions: Why did he stray? Can my marriage really be saved? Is there hope for us? Can I really forgive? Could this have been prevented?
Stage 3: Trust building.
You take steps to prove you are still committed to the relationship. This will require some hard work for both of you. He will work on proving his commitment to the marriage. You will work on forgiving him for what he’s done in the past.
If I were in your situation, this is what I would do:
- Get counseling from someone who deals with marital infidelity on a regular basis.
- Ask him why he strayed. I would explain that I really need to understand his motivations before I can move on. I would ask him to be brutally honest, too. What was he searching for that he felt he did not have within the marriage? Why did he do it? Why did he pick her? Why didn’t he have more self-control?
- Ask him to help me feel more secure. This might entail giving up some of his social life or calling in every so often. In a sense, I’d be asking him to voluntarily ground himself until we’ve had more time to build trust.
- Ask him to help me affair-proof our marriage. What does he need to eliminate the desire to be with someone else?
- Become more independent. I would assume that he’d be a lot less likely to cheat again if he knew, without a doubt, that I would not hesitate to kick his sorry ass to the curb if I found out about it. I would make sure I was a complete person with a full life. I would become financially independent. I would ensure that I did not NEED him to stay. I might want him to stay, but I would not be dependent on him.
- Build trust in small steps. A vacation by himself or a long business trip by himself would be so out of the question for a while, but I would try to take small steps toward trust and independence.
Do you have advice for Emotionally Distant? Leave a comment. I will be answering reader questions during the next week. If you have a question, send it to me.
Check out my guest blog at Underneath the Petticoat: How to write your wedding vows.
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Tags: infidelity
June 19th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I have not been married. I have been in several LTRs. I have been accused of being too “flirty” with other women while in LTRs. I find it hard to fathom cheating while in any sort of committed relationship, from either person involved. It shows a lack of respect for both the partner, as well as one’s self. Insecurity, low self-esteem, or simple lust, I find it just as inexcusable and irresponsible as drinking and driving with your family in the car. It shows a total disregard for those you supposedly love. Get “past” it? I don’t know. I am a hard customer when it comes to trust. If you do earn it, once you earn it, should you betray that trust, I see little chance of going back to a trusting place. I have seen cheating going on around me and lose pretty much all respect for that person. Sorry, but cheating just sucks. I guess this doesn’t help, but that’s my two cents, and “common sense”, from this single guy.
June 20th, 2009 at 2:12 am
The thing which strikes me is that the emotionally distant has not indicated whether her husband is sorry or even willing to try making the marriage work. It does not matter how much she wants it to work, if the husband is not in on it, it is pointless.
June 21st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Someone accidentally emailed a comment to me that was intended to go here. I thought it was pretty helpful, so I’ve decided to paste it in. Here is it:
Dear Emotionally Distant,
I have also been with my husband for over 20 years. I am 61 years old. We had a vacation camper where we became friends with the couple next door. Little did I ever suspect my husband would have a crush on her. He had an emotional affair with her and it just about put me in my grave. She flaunted herself and I was blind to it all. I thought we were all just friends. One night she and her husband were having problems and she called and wanted to stay with us even though her camper was right next door. My husband wanted to have a threesome with her and I. My heart fell to my feet. The disrespect he showed me and thinking that I would do that made me feel so low. I have gotten through it, but will never forget it. I no longer talk to her other than hello, while showing the camper. To me, this was as bad as actual adultery.
You will persevere and must tell yourself that. My husband never showed the remorse I felt he should have and we have only had sex one time since, which has been at least four months. Today is Father’s Day. I cooked breakfast and that was it. Jesus Christ is our only answer for the pain we are going through. There is nothing so bad that Jesus can’t get us through it. I have cried for days at a time. That was in the beginning. I don’t cry as much, but I still hurt from the incident. My husband has hurt me in so many ways, financially, etc., but this was the worst in our marriage. I feel old, ugly, unloved and unneeded. Sometimes I believe God allows things to happen to bring us to him and to show us the we have to put God first in everything. I believe this with everything inside of me, but I do admit I wake up even after praying and being human I still suffer more than I should because I don’t turn everything over to the Lord. However, I know that Jesus knows our every need and I pray he will comfort you. By the way, my husband and I have had arguments about this, so I am no one to actually give advice. I just know that God has never let me down in my life. I have had tragedies occur as we all do. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but who is really going to care if I do that. Only Jesus. I get depressed off and on and really bad. Sometimes I wish he would just leave me and I could start fresh, but for some reason I don’t want him to go. I wish I could find the words to help you, but I can’t help myself. God bless you honey. I hope you are young because when you reach my age you wonder where would I go and what would I do. So, I am staying here with the man I love and at times I feel like I don’t love him. Keep you faith or ask Christ to come into your heart and give you the strength and guide your paths. He will never forsake you or leave you. He promised that.
July 7th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
• I was in a 12 year relationship…he was 19 when I met him but lied and said he was 24…I was 26 at the time….so now that I look back…I realize this “person” lied from the very beginning. I am now 38 ..he’s 31. I discovered on July 29, 2006 that he has been unfaithful since the day we met. I clearly remember him telling me eventually after having to deal with my rollercoaster emotions that I act as if I AM THE FIRST WOMAN THAT EVER GOT CHEATED ON….Alisa I can say I was simply disgusted at the nerve of this person. Now I can honestly admit upon discovery of the 1st affair…I was DEVASTATED as even in high school I have never had to deal with infidelity or a boyfriend cheating….so I can chalk the first incident up as being niave and in-experienced..but to say the experience was less traumatizing would be a flat out untruth. I found out because the woman gloated on several factors….1 being she was sleeping with my so called MAN..2..he would discuss ALL my personal business…my personal life experiences with this person who is a “STRANGER” to me…..also she couldn’t wait to tell me that she along with this “person” would give my then 5 year old son toys in exchange for “not telling mommy you saw me”. I believe devastated was an understatement of what was raging inside. Also this may help you understand my anguish just a tad bit better.
1.) I was adopted…not legally….my mother gave me to a 15 year old child…who took me home to her mother who flipped her lid..but eventually without having to run down the entire fiasco….I was adopted and went on Montel Williams show to find my mother (1 of the GREATEST MEMORIES OF MY LIFE). This is something sacred to me…very personal….could be viewed in a bad light..however I have no resentment towards my mother and I love her regardless…..this is one of the facts that the SIDE DISH relished in telling me MY MAN laughed about ALONG WITH HER????????????
2.) I didn’t graduate high school…….NOT PROUD of this..however I have for years always maintained a stable career in the legal field….and for someone who didn’t graduate I am HELLA smarter than he is..he is the one WITH THE DIPLOMA..yet he reads at a 4th grade level (another fact that I didn’t know about until it was too late)..needless to say….I may not have a diploma..but I not ONLY hold down a great career but an also opening my own business in less than 2 years…but why share this with HIS SIDE DISH….what could she or he possible gain my diminishing me I the eyes of a “STRANGER”?
Okay so this was the first time he cheated right…..well that was in 2004….about 8 months after he purposed and gave me a 3 carat diamond to seal the deal……well July 29, 2006..I’m coming out his apartment (we were working on our relationship….although I wasn’t totally comfortable with him moving back home…so he had his own place) I was leaving cause we couldn’t agree about the child support (he wanted me to take him off….I wasn’t about to..so that was a dead end conversation) he chased me to my car and as I reached for my door to get in…this truck pulls up and this woman starts screaming at him at the top of her lungs….long story short….They had been having a FULL BLOWN AFFAIR FOR 1 SOLID YEAR..she was also 4 months pregnant….now let me back up just a tad bit so you can fully understand the entire LOAD OF RUNNY MANUER THAT LIES AT MY FEET.
When we separated from the very first affair….we were in and out….remember this was a first for me and I was totally clueless as how to end this madness….which would have been to simply LEAVE. I would find numbers here or there that he would lie on as his cousins’..if I called the numbers..the women who answered would have the same story he had….YOU GET IT DON’T YOU ALISA…..so I HAD ran across this woman (we will call her Jai) before….we (he and I) had a huge fight about the child support and he would leave and go back to his apartment. I was starting to wise up a bit and realized his behind would always get an argument started..then run back to his place….then after a few days….he wasn’t angry anymore and ready to come stay at my place until the next fight erupted. So apparently at the time I was none the wiser but what he was really doing was getting the coast clear to have his side tryst. I am not the sort of woman to chase behind a man..nor will I be the first to apologize when I am not in the wrong. So he knew the COAST WAS CLEAR UNTIL HE DECIDED TO MAKE CONTACT. So this particular fight he was gone for about 2 days without contact….so later that evening when I arrived home from work he was at my door with his whoa is me BS and frankly I wasn’t in the mood for manure for dinner so I ignored his plight. Well later that SAME evening..I decide to pay an unexpected visit….LONG STORY SHORT….(AND YOU WOULDN”T BELIEVE HOW I FOUND THEM)..He wasn’t home when I went by his place…so I decided to drive past a few doors of his side whores just to see if he was back to his old tricks..but he wasn’t at either of the homes…..so it’s 5 am I’m sleepy and decide to go on home….when A RED ROOD SIGN LITERALLY BECKONED me into the lot….to this day Alisa…I do not fully understand what made me drive thru that hotel because there were 8 hotels along that strip..but I simply turn into RED ROOF INN…..he never came out of that hotel..but his truck was parked there….remember I said it was 5 am…I was a zombie….crying…..confused….wasn’t this the man that was at my door a few hours back begging to make things right….telling me how much he loves me and his son….yada..yada..yada….yada..well I was bought out of that memory as this woman Jai strolled out of the hotel lobby with the MOST MENACING SMILE PLASTERED ACROSS HER LIPS….THIS UNFORGETABLE GLEE IN HER EYES…….AS SHE WALKED OVER TO HIS TRUCK THAT I WAS PARKED BEHIND….I WAS IN TEARS AND ASKING HER WHY AND WHERE WAS HE AND HER ONLY RESPONSE WAS..PLEASE DON’T HIT ME..I’M PREGNANT”…now I’m thinking oh GOD he got himself one of these kinds…a last ditch effort to stick her claws into the man….but fast forward to…..JULY 29, 2009 and YEP YOU GUESSED IT…this person before me in the truck yelling and screaming profanities was the same side dish in the RED ROOD parking lot….needless to say I was DEVESTATED BEYOND BELIEF..just one more time….they had carried that affair on from the day they met……Although he had moved back home….I took child support off…..and we spent EVERY SINGLE DAY TOGETHER..he myself and our son…….here was this woman and yes she was REALLY pregnant….she was 4 months. Well he denied that whore that day..calling her all kinds of lying bitches and whores…but WE BOTH KNEW THE TRUTH…it was evident in her eyes….her belly…..I was done. I tried like hell after that and a 6 month breakup with NO CONTACT…had taken out a TPO to keep him from stalking cause he would show up at my home and creep behind looking thru windows and the like. Eventually I took him back because 12 years had been invested and financially I was dependant of both incomes to maintain the BRAND NEW HOUSE WE GOT TOGETHER ……him raising his son and so forth….It also didn’t help that he purposed on February 14 (which was the same day he purposed years back when he gave me that SHUT THE HELL UP AND BE CONTENT WITH WHAT YOU GET 3 CARAT DIAMOND). I accepted because I knew he went thru great measures to set up the house for his big question….but also because we had been fighting about us getting married for the last 6 months…he’s ask…I’d say I wasn’t ready yet so soon after all the GARBAGE he bought to my life..he would then in turn cry and get depressed…this went on until I finally said yes I will marry you. So I guess what I’m saying is I ALLOWED him to BULLY ME INTO accepting him back..and agreeing to marry him….well as of April 25, 2009 I just couldn’t do it anymore…DEEEEEEP DOWN in my soul I wasn’t happy…I prayed really long and hard April 24th which was a Saturday cause I knew in my heart something was about to happen…I wasn’t sure what or why so I prayed….I asked GOD to just give me one more reassurance on the road he had designed for me..and went to bed. The next morning after a long night of clubbing with his friends………when I tried talking to him that morning to get him to at least acknowledge my unhappiness and the like…his entire effervescence STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN……I posed a question for him….and his reply had absolutely nothing to do with the question at hand…..which was I’m not happy and I need to know what is going to be done about it…..his reply Alisa was, you always living in the past….it’s the past to me….and further more…… I will continue to get my hair cut at that barbershop and I will take my son to get his hair cut at the barbershop”??????????????? that wasn’t the question at hand…and the BARBERSHOP was where he MET his side dish Jai…..now where did that come from……who said anything about the barbershop….certainly not I. So you wanna know what I did Alisa….I BEAT HIS ASS…..REAL GOOD. After 12 long years of being drug thru runny shit….this fool just wouldn’t quit….I beat his 6 ft 4 ass like he was 5 feet with me…and then I threw him out. This was April 25…he is still VERY VERY angry…has said extremely terrible things about me to both my son and his family..he has even went as far as to have his entire family alienate me..I’m not even allowed at his uncle’s house and his wife and I had become closer due to a recent stroke she had. It had gotten so bad that I have actually ahd to curse out both his mother and his sister as they all blame me…..WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE….AND THEY KNOW HE’S CHEATED ON ME MULTIPLE TIMES CAUSE THEY HAVE SAID IT…..I’m healing okay I guess…but I still EXTREMELY HURT AND CONFUSED…why am I to blamed for his repeated infidelities? Also what I can’t understand is WHY OF WHY DID HE OR DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO DISCUSS MY PERSONAL AND PRIVATE ISSUES WITH ANY WOMAN HE BEDS AS WELL AS HIS MOM/SISTER….they both made comments about things ONLY he And I SHARED IN PILLOWTALK (something natural between partners)…Why would he do such a thing and then still be able to not only hold his head up without shame…but completely deny he told them anything…..not even my best friend knew about me NOT graduating..yet one of his side whore was like….wow..I’m shocked you have made it as far as you have being a drop-out. Now again I feel no shame in it as I have survived and am doing pretty well for myself….but what does this say about the him as MY PARTNER/FIANCE/BEST FRIEND…..He is now DEAD TO ME…..I don’t even look at him when he picks up our son….I have vowed that I will not affiliate with him on any level….NONE. When he does arrive to get our son..my new male companion who hasn’t left my side since the day he came into my life ALWAYS answers the door…….I have filed child support so that will be the money owed to our son….I’m moving on as best I can….with a CONSTANT REMINDER TO MYSELF THAT HE IS DEAD…..yet I find myself trying to UNDERSTAND..how a person you spent a majority of your life with…had a child with…use to be your best friend….could care less about any form of loyalty…..I’m so disgusted. Sorry about the novel…….and any forthcoming response would be greatly appreciated.
P.S..I really think I’m doing good here…cause on a few occasions I had settled on suicide..however there were 2 very important things that stopped those thoughts..which are MY SON…and the fact that had I done it…GOD WOULDN’T FORGIVE ME….and no matter what life brings….I want my life/relationship with GOD to be THE VERY BEST IT CAN BE….but I’m disturbed by the fact that I had tried to take my life once when I was 15 years old……an overdose…..my friend’s mom saved me cause ambulance didn’t arrive in time……they said had it not been for my friend’s mom I would have surely expired..this is something else I shared with him at one time in the relationship…so now he sends texts saying KILL YOURSELF…..although that is NOT an option…..the MAGNITUDE OF DISGUST I FEEL FOR THIS PERSON WHO CAN SAY SUCH NASTY THINGS KNOWING THE HISTORY IS SOOO VERY APPAULING AND OVERWHELMING…..it literally turns my belly….and the wedge he drove between us with his immoral actions has now turned into THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA……your take? PLEASE……..
July 8th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Wow–that’s quite a tale. I think the real question here is for you: why are you staying in this relationship? You have a choice. You can direct your own life. Why have you chosen this for yourself?
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:37 am
Dear Friends, Happy April Fool’s Day!
There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.
“I’m going to ask you just one question,” says the president, “What’s 2+2?”
Applicant #1 promptly answers “Four.”
“Thank you, we will get back to you,” replied the president.
The second applicant comes in, same question “What’s 2+2?”
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says “Five.”
The president replies, “Well, that’s obviously wrong, don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
The third applicant comes in, same question “What’s 2+2?”
The third applicant looks around as if he’s looking for someone else in the room and replies, “What would you like it to be?”
The president exclaims, “YOU’RE MY MAN!”
Happy April Fool’s Day!
April 20th, 2010 at 5:19 am
Set boundaries – affairs can be resolved but boundaries (you can look at their email, phone records, no traveling) need to be in place and structure on how to get the marriage back on track (counseling, going to church – whatever works for your marriage) and put it on the table. If your partner is unwillling to take the steps to follow through – with compromise if necessary with the help of a counselor or other party, then you have something. If your partner is not willling to participate in these boundaries to rebuild trust in the relationship, you don’t have a relationship.
May 4th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Hi,
I’m a prime example of right and wrong. Me and my husband have been together for 16 years, married for 5. I met him when I was 17. Young and Dumb! He was so charming and also a PLAYER Player. He was in a so called failing relationship. That failing relationship became a failing marriage and I was the side dish. For 10 years I dealt with pure drama and gained 2 kids. Then I made him choose. We married a year later. I had everthing I wanted…. my man, my kids and my family. I thought we were happy but I always had the gut feeling he was still seeing his ex. She also remarried and has since then gotten a divorce all to come and find that it was because of my husband. In the last five years I always felt it but never caught him until recently. She told me she didn’t want him anymore and allowed me to hear voice messages he had left her I was devasted and relieved at the same time. It was a relief to know I wasn’t crazy or paranoid as he would always tell me. He never would tell me why he did it or was it something that I did, nor was he ever recentful. The only thing he ever tells me is that he loves his wife and he would never do anything else to hurt me. They share 4 kids 2gether and everytime I see her number he says it’s his kids which turns my stomach. They always told me you got to be able to know the signs. Sometimes this is an untrue statement ladies. My husband was always kind to me, always at home when I’m there, sex was very often and would do anythig I asked without complaining. Beware, this may be your true sign bcuz he’s trying to do everything in his power to keep you focused on “us”. I love my husband dearly and I had even decided to leave him at one point, but I haven’t gotten that true sign that my marriage is at an end. Our marriage now is a work in progress. I trust God to give me all my answers and when he tell me it’s time to go I’ll go, but until then I’m keeping what I’ve got. My sister stated to me the other day ” don’t go through life being miserable”. I wasn’t miserable before and I’m still not, just simply dissappointed. It’s up to you to make the choice. If you are really miserable with your marriage you should leave but if you’re not then you have something much more than an affair hanging over your head you have true love and true love eventually overpowers all the things that makes your spouse stray.
June 15th, 2010 at 10:27 am
I was just reading some of the older post & found this one. Very interesting comments. It brings up a lot of ideas on the whole infidelity issue. My personal feeling is that most if not all affairs are fantasy based, not reality. In other words the affair is all about the sex (weather they admit it or not) & passion it brings. Supposedly more emotionally based on the woman’s part. But they are not based on reality. In the affair the person does not have to deal with the every day realities of family life, jobs, careers, raising kids & financial priorities that are part of the real world. In the affairs that result in breaking up a marriage for the “new” woman or “new” man the divorce rate is over 90% (I forget where I read that statistic but found the same number on several studies). Why? As soon as the real world sets in the fantasy doesn’t live up to the real world. Just an interesting thought.
August 24th, 2010 at 10:26 am
I really have to agree with Drummer Guy’s response. My husband had an affair 3 weeks of texting resulting in sex once. He was feeling crappy about himself so he took it out on myself and the marriage. There was a girl at work who had been super flirty with him since day one and happened to be 9 years younger than him. He said basically she wore him down with flattery. She started texting him how great he is at work and funny etc. And that was the “boost” his ego needed. He said it seemed like a dream he knew nothing was real but he went along with it. They didn’t work the same hours so they saw each other only in passing 2-3 times a weeks. When they texted it was during his work hours during the day and hers at night. So he said part of it being a dream is because he was sleep dreprived too. She started texting I love you’s to him after a week and he would text back “love you too” not I love you because he knew he didn’t. He also never told her he loved her to her face even though she said it because again this was just a “fantasy world” to him. Finally one night they had sex and he said it was just aweful. He said it was ackward and just not good partially because of the guilt. Plus they knew nothing about each other, they never met outside of work exept on this occassion, never talked about anything but work and some sports. He found out later that she asked around about his likes so she could say she knew and liked the same things. So basically this girl was playing him because of his position and occupation. I made him move out for a couple of months and when he had to look at the faces of our 3 children and tell them that daddy lied to mommy and now has to live somewhere else, he sure work up from that dream like state fast. Right then and there he knew what was at stake and all because some drama queen played him and his insecurities. He moved back in and we are muttling our way through. Looking back he can see how immature this girl was and how she really looks in the real world. He can’t think of what would have made him interested in her to begin with except she let herself be available and played his ego. She’s not his type, not extremely attractive or very intelligent either and now the thought of her makes him sick. So that’s the best revenge for me is that she knows that the person she “loved” is sickened by her and can’t stand the site of her.