Part 1 of a Five Part Sex Advice Series
What? You don't want this?
A regular reader emailed me, saying, “All of my married female friends talk about sex like it’s a disease you can catch. They whine and complain about their husbands wanting to get it on. Am I crazy for loving sex? Who’s abnormal, them or me?”
On the same day, a friend emailed the following quote:
“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.“—Samuel Johnson (1709-84)
Apparently Samuel didn’t know about this thing called The Celibate Marriage.
I have a take on sex and marriage that isn’t always very popular among women. It’s this: sex is good. We should all try to have more of it. If you don’t want to have sex with your spouse, something is wrong and it’s probably one of the following 8 problems.
8 Reasons Why You Don’t Want to Have Sex
You are not attracted to your husband. Has he let himself go? It’s really okay to talk to him about various turn-offs that he can take steps to do something about. Does he need some more work in the brushing and flossing department? Would you like him to do something about those nose hairs? Do the two of you need to start a fitness program together? Would you like him to dress up every once in a while? Those ratty old sweat pants with the paint stains just aren’t doing it for you? He can’t know that you need these things unless you ask. Believe me: if he thinks he’s going to get rewarded for trimming his nose hairs, he will trim his nose hairs.
You have equipment failure. If sex is uncomfortable, mention it to your gynecologist. You might have endometriosis or another condition that makes sex uncomfortable. If vaginal dryness is an issue, try organic coconut oil. It’s safe. It’s effective, and it feels like the real thing. It’s better than any vaginal lubricant sold at any store. Seriously. I’ve tried all of them. Just don’t use it with condoms because it can break down the latex.
You have an underlying medical problem. Usually, it’s depression, but any number of other health problems can completely obliterate your sex drive. It’s worth getting a full check up.
You are embarrassed by your naked body. Do something about your body image, then, because it’s probably ruining more than just your sex life. I suggest the following. 1) Go to the beach or a swimming pool. Check out other women who are larger than you. Ask yourself, “Does she really look terrible?” The answer to that question, if you are looking at a truly confident woman who carries herself well, is, “No. She looks great.” 2) Start a health program that will allow you to feel good in your body. Note I did not say “diet program.” Some of the most tortured women wear a size 2. They don’t need to lose weight. They just need to learn how to feel good. So get fit. Eat healthy, and do other things that allow you to feel healthy. 3) Stand naked in front of your husband. See what happens. He likes your naked body, and he can prove this to you without using his words. 4) Have sex with the lights on and with your eyes open. Do this as often as needed, until you feel good about yourself. 5) Ask him to tell you that he thinks you are sexy and beautiful, because he really does think this. He just forgets to tell you, because he thinks you already know.
You work too much. Stress and exhaustion can obliterate your sex drive. Instead of feeling horny, you just feel tense. Learn to interpret tension for what it is: You really need to get laid, sister! Trust me. An orgasm is the best tension release there is. It’s better than running. It’s better than meditation. It’s even better than wine and chocolate. Also, do something to reduce your stress load. Delegate household tasks. Make it a firm rule that you will not work at night or on the weekends. Build relaxation into your daily routine. Make it your goal to always be a little bit bored. Your drive will return.
You were sexually abused. Whenever men tell me that their girlfriends or wives “don’t like sex,” my first question is always, “Was she abused when she was younger?” I’ve yet to get a “No.” Past sexual abuse can really do a number on your sexual psyche. Even if you think you are “over it,” you probably aren’t. This is a complex topic, and I delve deeper into it in Sex Advice: Part 2.
You don’t feel adored by your husband. Sex requires a certain amount of vulnerability. If your spouse belittles you whenever you are out of the bedroom, it will be difficult for you to let your guard down and relax in the bedroom. It takes a full 24 hours for a woman to get in the mood. If your spouse does anything during that 24 hours to annoy you, it’s an automatic turn off as far as sex as concerned. Explain this to him, and take some time to teach him how to romance you. If you feel absolutely adored by your husband, you will want to have sex with him.
He doesn’t know how to please you in bed. If his idea of sex is crawling on top of you and banging away until he’s done, then I can understand why you’d rather be filing your nails than lying underneath his body. You can do something about this though. It starts with you. Spend some time pleasuring yourself. That’s the only way you are going to figure out what you like and need. Once you’ve become a Jedi Master at bringing yourself to orgasm, teach him how to do the same thing. Also, give him the book How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget. Lou is a woman, by the way.
Did I miss a good reason not to have married sex? Do you wish I provided more advice? Do you have a sexual issue that I did not address? Do you have a suggestion for something you’d like me to explain in a future blog? Do you disagree with every single thing I wrote? Email me or leave a comment.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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I have read through some of your comments with interest and now I wish to share my story.
My husband is very supportive and we work well as a team. We have long thought that no one else would understand the other more than he does I and visa versa. The year we were married something started to happen to us that was inexplicable to me. He started to no longer want to make love and claimed he was stressed due to a promotion and new job. What was for the previous 4 years a healthy sex life soon dwindled once every few months and only at my instigation. This was all well and good but after I had children, I was no longer confident in my body and attractiveness to do the instigation and longed to be approached and reassured that he still loved and wanted me. After my first child we made love only 3 times in her first year of life. It’s a miracle that a second child was conceived but he was. After he was born, nothing! I went to a post natal group and discussed it with my friends there. They suggested that he needed some encouragement so I made a point of letting him know that suitable contraception was in place and still nothing. This went on for ages. My son is now 5 1/2 and I can count on my fingers how many times we have made love and it was always at my instigation.
I have responded to this by shutting down my need for intimacy and something happened recently to make me realise that in doing this I have cut off my heart from him estranging us further. I recently met someone through work who at the first meeting switched everything back on for me. I felt delicious when I was near him although we haven’t had any kind of physical relationship. We don’t really even flirt. This has affected me in so many ways. It has made go back to the man I love and I am married to and beg him to do something about this. It has had a profound effect on my prescence. Suddenly I am being complimented constantly and I have spontaneously lost some kilos and whereas before people didn’t notice, now I am always getting comments. So my self esteem which has been so low is being lifted. omeone chatted me up the other day! That hasn’t happened in 10 years. I am 43.
I have a working relationship with this man and also a kind of friendship although it is not relaxed as there is so much chemistry there and I call it a crush. Every pore of my being wants to be intimate with him but I don’t want to destroy the life my husband and I have built and I know he is married with a family too. I haven’t seen him for two months and will be working with him again in another month and I can’t help counting the days. I am trying to channel my energies back into my family and the supportive husband I have but I really need him (my husband) to try more too.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I just had someone on the side and took the pressure off him because I think that honestly he would be happy to never have sex again. I think he finds it a little messy and yucky which is sad for me. How I long for ravishing intimate sex but there must be love too. I can’t leave my husband as we are good together in other ways but when I am so frustrated I get angry and find fault with him over silly little things. Then I know they are silly and so I don’t say anything which makes me want to scream.
We never fight and I feel restricted in how much I can ask him to look at this while we are having huge financial problems and he being the main breadwinner feels responsible even though none of that is his fault. It is just the times. He is a wonderful father and I can’t break up our family just because I crave some sex!
@ Hopper, Thanks for sharing your comments & feelings. Living in a sexually frustrated marriage can be painful indeed. You do say you love your husband & do not wish to divorce him. However going through with this, the end result would likely be a divorce anyway. Even if not discovered (by the way over 80% of them are discovered) the result could be the same.
One of the BIG problems in getting involved in an affair is they are totally fantasy based & a marriage just cant compete with the fantasy that an affair is. What I mean by fantasy based is they really don’t resemble in any way the reality of a commited relationship. In the affair you only see the good in the person & don’t have to deal with any of the bad that EVERY person has. With the affair you don’t have to deal with the hum drum realities that are a daily part of marriage & life in general. You don’t have to deal with raising children, financial resposibilites, housework, deciding who picks up the kids from activities & you don’t have to wash the dirty “racing stripes” out of his underwear..LOL
As a result the person you are having an affair with starts to look like a good solution to your marriage. But you really have NO IDEA of what living with that person would really be like because you haven’t dealt with reality. NO marriage can compete with that. But here are a few facts to consider
The failier rate of relationships that started as an affair is over 90%. Why? (1)Because once the couple actually does move in together & does have to deal with reality the fantasy is over & the disappointment is HUGE!
(2) Trust will ALWAYS be an issue. After all he/she did it with me, what is to stop them from doing it TO me? Every time the person leaves the house the thought of “Is he/she going to meet somebody”? How can the thought NOT be there?
(3) Honesty is a REAL problem. The whole relationship was based on a lie. One or both partners were “cheating & lying to their husband/wife. If they will lie to the person they were married to what is to stop them from lying to you? Personally in my life I have known probably 4 men who had affairs on their wives. EVERY ONE of them lied to the person they were having an affair with. Every one of them told the woman that they weren’t getting sex at home, their wife was bad in bed, their wife was mean to them, didn’t understand them, they weren’t happy etc etc. None of it was true. They were all just looking to play the woman & have extra marital sex. The common thought is that if a person is having an affair then something must be wrong at home. I read some research though that stated that over 80% of the people in an affair had an otherwise happy marriage at home & were just looking for extra marital sex.
(4) Character: The character of the person you would be having the affair with is not very good. Yea they can be all smiles & seem like a great man/woman. But even if they themselves aren’t married, they have no problem with the possibility of destroying the family (two families if they themselves are married) of the person they are involved with to have a little fun. A person like that is terribly self centered & not somebody to get involved with.
Right now while you yourself may have a hard time seeing it. You are already getting caught up in the “fantasy”. This other guy looks like a good option because you are not happy with the situation at home. Of coruse he looks like a good option because you have no idea what he is really like. Your contact with him is very limited. As you already know it takes YEARS to get to really know the true character of a person.
Right now it is easy to think “well it will just be a sexual thing”. VERY FEW people can keep it at that. Once sex gets involved a person can not help but get emotionally involved. Yea a few can do it especially when it is a one or two time thing but long term most can’t. Before long affairs fall into the whole fantasy trap. Reality becomes blinded by feeling we have for the other person & the marriage is destroyed which brings about complication to the children involved.
Please believe me when I say this isn’t meant as a slam on you at all. Believe me I understand the frustration. I myself am married to a woman who because of a serious long term illness is no longer able to have sex. I understand the desire as I deal with it too. I would be lying if I said the thought never crosed my mind. I choose not to for many reasons. Some of which I listed. But dealing with the husbands libido issues with an affair wont cure that. It would also likely be the end of the marriage you hold dear.
It may be difficult but before excercising such an option do whatever it takes to address the problem in the marriage before complicating things much worse by bringing in an outside party who could care less about how this will effect your husband & kids long term.
Odds are your husband has issues that can be addressed medically or psychologically. It will be hard fr him to face. But face it he must. No man wants to admit that they have problems in the bedroom. It would make them feel like less of a man. He could well have Low-T. He may just be a low libido person which almost no man will admit to. Doesn’t make him a bad person just a bad match for a person with a normal libido. But it has already reached a marriage & kids so maybe he is willing to address it & take action.
Perhaps you could tell him without getting specific that it has reached the point of you thinking about other people. It would be hurtful to him but how much more hurt would he be if you went through with it? You can also do it in a tactful way that says I wont do it but the thoughts are there because of the lack of intimacy. You may not have to take such an extreme path in a conversation with him but does he know this could be a deal breaker? If you are considering another then it has reached the deal breaker status.
I do wish you the best & am not judging you for your thinking. But I wanted to give you some things to consider. The fantasy that an affair will become is something most people don’t even think about it. Once they are in the affair it is imposible to see because of emotions involved. Best of luck.
Ron
I know this is a much older post & many probably don’t read it much any more but a few comments. Many people are of the belief that it is “only sex so what’s the big deal”? The problem with that thinking is it assumes that it is only the physical act that the refused spouse misses. It is far more than the sex act itself that one misses. It is the closeness, the bonding, the intimacy & the connection of two becoming one that NO OTHER act can replace. No amount of holding hands, cuddling or being civil can replace that closeness. While those things are nice & comforting it just isn’t the same. I checked out a website about sexless marriage & after reading literally thousands of post from people dealing with this I learned quite a few things.
Several have made comments on this post of “I just don’t like sex”. If that is you it is the same with many people. Some people just have little to no libido. It is a medical fact. If they fall into that category then it is their biology & there isn’t honestly much one can do to change that. The problem comes in when it is NOT the biology of the refused spouse. Now this can’t be fixed once the marriage has happened but if that is your biology then don’t marry somebody with normal libido. That is incredibly self centered. The feelings of low self worth that can be caused through years of rejection is heartbreaking. If you are a person with no libido then marry somebody of a like mind. Instead many deceive as long as they get what “they want” in a marriage. People at this suite call it the bait & switch.That is cruel.
Now many times medical or psychological occur later in life. In most cases this can be addressed. The problem with many spouses going through this is they refuse to address the problem. Some because to them this feels normal. Why wouldn’t it? It is all they know so they assume that this must be the norm. But odds are the refused spouse feels differently & misses the intimacy that making love to their spouse provides. Know that it is a medical or psychological & can be fixed. To refuse to take action tells the refused spouse that you don’t care about the needs of the husband/wife. Most people don’t get the “I don’t care how my spouse feels” attitude. Those that do really are destined to be lonely.
For some it is a HUGE power trip. They use sex or a lack thereof to control the other & use it to “get what they want”. I used to work with a lady some years ago who used to do this then brag about all the hoops she got her husband to jump through with unfulfilled promises of sex or a blow job. She really got some sort of sick kick in playing this game, then demeaning him by telling everybody about it. She would demand he do A, B & C then at some point see some percieved wrong way he did it & make him start over again. The goalpost was ever moving & the target was unattainable. Even worse she was part of a group of ladies that would gather every Monday morning & compare notes & laugh histericaly at who got their husband to “do the most”. It was like a game as to who could earn the most points. I kept having this vision of poor Charlie Brown having the football yanked out from under him just as he was about to kick the ball. This is really mean & borders on downright mental cruelty. This category is just a person who should never marry & their ideas of what marriage & commitment are all about is pretty sick.
Now there are those who later in life face a devistating illness such as my wife has had to endure for the last 6 years. There really is no answer to it & just one of those situations where life can sometimes though you a real curve ball. The key for us is she really would change this if she could & is kind & loving in many ways. While I really miss the intimacy, the romance & the passion I have to accept that I will have to live a life of celibacy. Not completely as she does do things for me.
But this & the agreement by both parties are the only time that it should be. One lady got seriously offended in her comment & wailed at Alisa for saying that it isn’t normal for a marriage to be celibate. But lets look at what is normal. Normal would be the things that society & cultural norms say are acceptable. Society says that sex within marriage is the norm. Therefore if you believe otherwise you are outside of the norm. Doesn’t make you a bad person & abnormal isn’t always a derogitory term as many take it to be. It is considered abnormal for a married couple to like swinging sexually because society says so. Now if you are into that & your partner agrees then it doesn’t make you a bad couple but you are outside of what society considers the norm in marriage. I guess Alisa’s statement hit too close for comfort to some. Nobody likes to hear that they are “abnormal” but it isn’t always a derogitory term. hey being normal with some things is BORING…LOL
One thing I learned on this other site was, if you are reading this post & are in a celibate marriage AND it is not acceptable to one spouse then PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING. Get counseling, get help, do whatever it takes. Otherwise the result will be a devastated spouse who after time WILL check out on the marriage. It is a defense mechenisim against rejection. If the spouse just stops talking about the problem then they may have already checked out. One can only take so much rejection before they just give up to keep from being hurt more. Early on this can be addressed while the refused spouse still has the warm fuzzies for his/her refuser. After time those feeling go away & turn to serious resentment & anger.
Best of Luck Everybody
Ron
It’s easy to suggest that people basically just get over their embarrassment about their bodies, but not always so easy for people to do. I had twins 4 years ago. I lost all of the pregnancy weight in 6 weeks, and I still watch what I eat and exercise. But I have consulted 2 different doctors, and nothing but surgery will ever remove the enormous sack of skin that literally hangs down over part of my pubic area. The skin is wrinkly and puckered, and there is an enormous flap. No amount of exercise or positive thinking will make that go away, and it really does look awful. It’s not my fault that it’s there, but I can’t ever feel attractive again. A tummy tuck will never be in the budget for me. You suggest that people just have sex with the lights on and just pretty much get over it. It’s not that simple.
Dear Simone.
You have to make it part of the budget. This is ruining your self image. If you make it a process of a bit here and a bit there you can find the way. You can prioritize this. Scrimp here and there, borrow part of the money from friends and family, many doctors will do things on lay a way or a time plan, Put some on your credit card if all else fails…. Seriously…life is too short to go through it feeling disfigured, You are worth it. Fix it. And be happy again. You will find the money somehow. You can do it.
Wishing you all the best
Samantha
This is a very interesting blog. I am finding financial problems to be a real problem.
I see I am not the only one with marriage issues.
Married 40 + years and maybe had sex a dozen times in my whole life. And I enjoyed it. My husband on the other hand just hates sex any intimacy or love, I can’t even touch him. Believe it or not I still love him, but I’m positive he dosen’t love me in the samr way. He believes were only friends and nothing more. I wanted kids he didn’t, just to prove his point he went and got himself fixed. I thought that was cruel and very hurt full. Well to make long stort short, I’ve been depressed, lonely and a feel like a nothing. The only thing that getd me through are my ant-deprssants.
I Been married for 8 years now with 2 kids, we fight a lot, he only wants sex when he drinks and even though i want sex i want him to look for it i never start it whats wrong??
I am 23 and have been married for a little over a year. We have been together for over 3 years total. Before we got married we had a relatively active sex life. Since we have been married we have probably had sex only 6 times and nothing in the past 8 months. Everything else in our relationship is perfect. We never fight and he is the perfect man, and I truly believe that he loves me and would never hurt me. But the heat in our relationship is gone.
It is getting to the point where I don’t even like him to kiss me or grab my butt because I feel like it is an act, and he is doing it because it is what he is supposed to do, not because he wants me sexually.
I’d like some advice from some of the women who have been in my situation and are still married, or not married. Do you wish you had gotten out of the marriage before you had kids? If you did leave, are you happy that you did?
I know that sex is not everything in a marriage, and our marriage is great in every other aspect. I can just imagine a future where I am very unhappy or wanting to be with someone else, and I don’t want to get there.
Anyone with advice, please please help!!
What kind of tests can be run to diagnose physical problems causing low libido? Do you just go to your general physician?
Can anyone suggest some legitimate websites to learn more about the possible physical causes of a low libido and ways to address them. I would like to learn more about these, but can’t imagine what clicking on links from a google search on “low libido” would do to my computer!
I am a 50 year old man who married his High School sweetheart after dating for 7 years. We had 20 years together before having kids, we are a wonderful team and we love each other. Before the kids we worked very hard to advance our careers, and we realized we were often up to nothing more than a standard “comfy f**k” a couple times a week. Sex is not fluff in a marriage, it is absolutely essential, and even sex that isn’t scorching is still pretty good. In real life with all of its demands, we realized we were not going to both be spontaneously swept up in sexual passion at the same time, at least not very often. So, we simply agreed that when either one of us wanted sex, the other would just go along with it. I don’t care if my mind is a million miles away thinking of some issue of great consequence to the world, I switch on and go with it. I have never regretted going along with her, and as a normal man it takes me about 3 seconds to shift gears and bolt up the stairs and have a great time with the woman I love and I feel privileged for the opportunity to please her, because I love to please her. Likewise, she accommodates me. In all these years, we have said “no” to each other a handful of times due to having the flu or some very real reason, never because we didn’t feel like it. Although there have been times when we agree to finish up whatever we are doing, expeditiously, and then get to it before the mood is lost. The business of life must go on.
Does this mean we use each other? You bet! Are you using your husband if he picks up dishes and loads the dishwasher? Are wives used when they go through the mail and handle certain bills, and leave a pile for the husband to deal with? Of course we use each other, we use each other to do useful things like cooking food, providing an income, co-creating children and being parents. To any man or woman who does not accommodate the sexual needs of the spouse, you are a failure in your marriage. Sorry, but it’s true. Just as a man who refuses to get a job and lays on the couch watching TV has failed, a husband or wife who refuses to have sex fails to meet the basic, reasonable expectation of marital fidelity.
I will use the following stereotype – If a woman who denies her husband’s sexual needs (and they are needs, not weaknesses or silly desires) is shocked or put out if the suffering man whacks off watching porn or notices some hot babe on the beach or on TV, what on Earth do you expect? Celibacy is not fidelity. Celibacy is starvation. Celibacy due to the decision of one partner to deny the other is hateful and abusive.
As a wife, for example, do you think your husband only takes out the trash, mows the lawn, fixes the toilet or whatever because he’s in the mood to do so? Does he bitch and moan about having to mow the lawn, or does he just do it because he knows it’s necessary on an ongoing basis? If he really hates mowing the lawn and you won’t do it, he can hire a gardener, right? What is he supposed to do when you don’t feel in the mood for sex, ever? You may bitch and moan about having to do something you don’t enjoy, but can he hire someone else to do what you don’t want to do? Don’t be surprised if he does! Consider the choice of paying a stranger a fee for service with no attachments versus having an emotional affair and falling in love with his mistress. Or do you expect him to live a celibate life because he vowed not to have sex with anyone but you, and you won’t? What about the vow to love, honor, and cherish? Is denying sex meeting this vow? Is it sufficient to deny him his needs and he’s supposed to just take it laying down, that what he wants in life is denied to him by you, and you won’t allow him to be fulfilled by anyone but you? He better have loved making that baby, because it’s the last time you wanted to use him for sex and the rest of his life is just plain tough luck!
Same goes the other way around, switch husband for wife, same thing. I know a wonderful, attractive woman who is married to a man who doesn’t want her, or seemingly, any woman. She is very frustrated and has said if some man were to flirt with her she’d jump at the chance althogh she is a fundamentalist Christian who is mortified at the prospect.
Folks, it’s really very simple. Sex is part of the job, the agreement of marriage. If you don’t think it is, would you have told your spouse that before your wedding? Would you still have gotten married if this was the deal? Monogamy and celibacy are not the same thing. If you both want and agree to a celibate marriage, fine, but if this is a one sided agreement, it is not agreement, it is willful, mean spirited, hateful punishment and negation of the person who vowed to abstain from sex for the rest of life – with anyone but you! You are telling your spouse he/she is so disgusting you can’t bring yourself, force yourself to tolerate the pig! Begging is so utterly degrading, why would you have the one you love be degraded by your neglect? Or has love turned to hate?
Consider both sides of this coin. On one side, a spouse commits serial adultery and the offended party seeks a divorce. On the other side, a spouse denies their partner sex in marriage (presumed to last unto death) and the offended party is just supposed to silently suffer, forever? And believe me, being treated as desirable as a dirty diaper is not only offensive, it is intentional cruelty. If your partner is truly that disgusting, leave!
I don’t advocate doing childish things such as not mowing the lawn, letting the trash pile up and stink, not flushing the toilet, or any other thing that needs ongoing attention to make the point that sex is not a job that if done right never needs to be done again. Sex is a huge part of life for most men and many women, and even if it’s not thrilling for you, if it pleases your spouse aren’t you willing to do it for the one you love? If not, your selfishness demands divorce and you should feel very ashamed of your failure.
I work very hard often not getting to come home for months at a time I make good money and I adore my wife. When I do get home my wife likes me to pamper her and sometimes it turns to hours of foreplay. She often has hard orgasim but after words says thanks and doesn’t want to have sex. I go years celebate. I am faithful and don’t want any other woman. She is diabetic and has gain alot of weight, I still brag on her beauty, yet I gain some weight but not as much as her and she calls me gross and discusting. I am a trucker and try to clean up nice once I get home but even a kiss is extremely rare. It hurts being rejected so badly yet trying everything I know to be an exceptional husband. Last time we had sex years ago she told me she didn’t want too but was doing this for me, she made it clear she was doing me a favor, she never knew it but I cried because I was sharing my love with her and it was a chore for her to have to tolerate me.
There is something to be said for having sex as a favor to your spouse… to a point. When that’s all it is–”a comfy f**k”, as you pointed out–then it’s time to evaluate your motives. I love having sex with my husband, and there’s nothing wrong with banging one out sometimes. But I’m a sensualist at heart. I know that every other man I’ve dated has been able to turn me on sensually, except him. And we both agreed that lying to him about “lovemaking” when it’s really “getting laid” would be unfair and cruel. On the other hand, I’d never just cut him off without giving him a chance to learn what I like. Fortunately, he’s been willing to learn.
All I’m saying is, it has to go both ways. Sure, giving it up is great, but it’s got to be what both people want. As Kraig pointed out, I’d hate for either of us to have sex become a chore instead of an intimate connection.
i would like to know if those 8reasons are applicable on men too i mean the same 8reasons for women are for men?
thank u
Jess, your comment was great. A newsletter that should be given to every man and woman on earth..Gread buddy..
Celibate marriage? You mean there’s ANOTHER kind??
Thank you everyone for your advice. It’s now nearly a year since I wrote that post. My wonderful colleague that I had such a crush on has been dreadfully ill all year. It is tragedy for him and his family and of course as a result our paths haven’t crossed so no infidelity there.
My husband and I have been trying to work things out and whilst I seriously considered leaving him 18 months ago, I really don’t want to break up the family.
Predictably, I have my eye on someone else again who is a long standing friend in a similar situation. More than 20 years ago we nearly got together but didn’t for some reason. We still haven’t but it has been hinted at. Once more, we live in different cities and have little opportunity to see eachother. Last time I saw him, I went home feeling all fired up and Hubby definitely showed more interest for a day or two. There is never any
intamacy however unless I instigate it. I have told him of my despair at this but to no
avail.
I love him and would not look outside if he would just make an effort. I doubt that I would have the courage or self confidence to do anything anyway. The thought of any man seeing me naked fills me with dread. I am sure that my mothered body is a contributing factor to the demise in his interest. Why would anyone else feel differently?
So here I am teasing myself over a gorgeous friend who probably would if I would but really wishing that my husband would show the same interest!
My husband also lost interest in sex. We did it less and less often, only at my initiation, and eventually not at all. We did not have sex at all for several years. At first I told myself this wasn’t so bad because he had many good qualities and we were good together in other ways. But I missed it and there was always an undercurrent of sadness for me even in happy times. Over time our friendship and closeness began to deteriorate until we were almost totally alienated from each other and we were both extremely unhappy. This wasn’t just because we weren’t having sex – there were other issues. But the lack of sex certainly didn’t help. I began to believe that we would never do it again, and that broke my heart. I was tempted to have an affair, but I didn’t. Finally, we faced the fact that our marriage was falling apart and we started seeing a counselor. Things have gradually started to get better. And finally, after all these years, we had sex again, mutually initiated! We talked about it a little (talking about it is hard, especially for my husband, who is the silent type) and agreed that we were foolish not to address this sooner. We have also agreed that we want to have a sex life together from now on and that we will keep working on our marriage. So there is hope. If talking it over doesn’t help, it is well worth while to see a professional therapist
Dear Alisa,
i got married when i was 18 with my highschool sweetheart. it is normal in my asian culture to get mariied at that age. my husband never slept with anyone before. but now at 32, he had a business-sexual affair with a secretary. when i knew about this, i couldn’t look at his face and i felt dirty whenever he touched me, let alone to have sex.
Please help me.
I am 31 years old and have been married for 9 years. I can count on one hand how many times I have had sex with my wife in the past year…and on two the past two years. In my opinion my wife is self-centered, selfish and stubborn and only thinks about how she feels. I have expressed myself multiple times without effect. However, when she thinks a woman wants me or that I’m screwing around she gets mad, wants to become a private investigator and accuse me of cheating. She too has played the quid pro quo game which i quickly ended. I found myself too, desiring other people, and have even had a couple of affairs, but i only ended up losing time, money (because half of the women want you to pay their bills or buy expensive things) and have a lack of desire. I now am to the point of disgust with women in general and don’t really want to be touched. I still desire sex at times, even masturbate, but don’t want all the emotion of being with anyone. I was raised in the church and it is Biblically based that there is no celibacy in marriage. Moreover, it is also based in the same passage of scripture (1 Corinthians 7) that there are stumbling blocks set in the form of temptation by those who hold out on their spouses. I’ve found myself over the years not being motivated, not accomplishing goals, smoking again, not working out, eating a lot, and being angry and depressed. Don’t know…need a lot of help….
well, my story is pretty sad as well. When I hooked up with my husband, I had a long standing, very sexual, and sensual, background. I was mistaken when I thought that he shared the same feelings. I fooled myself that he was just ‘getting over’ his former lover. I begged him for sex, he turned me down – he was always too busy, had other things on his mind. We were lucky if we had sex once every two or three months. I married him, and our very occasional sexual forays became less and less as the years went by.
It’s been 30 years now. I can barely have sex – my problem is called ‘dyspareunia’ I believe. It’s when you can no longer ever pretend to enjoy sex. I’m clamped up like a clam. All of those years of yearning for a sexual relationship have left me not only unable to enjoy sex, but unable to even accommodate a penis in my vagina. I desperately wish I’d listened to my own self, 10 years ago, when I fell into a deep depression that I tried to assuage with pills,booze and talk. It didn’t help, because I wasn’t honest – the lack of a normal sex life had thrown me into so much internal chaos that I couldn’t cope. Sadly, i stayed in the relationship.
Now, I’m almost 60. I have a long period of depression in my resume, instead of work that might have freed me from this sadness. I have no way of leaving the situation. I have no money, no credit, and quite simply, no way of taking care of myself outside of my present situation. Unfortunately, my husband is not wealthy, so I haven’t even a prayer of help in that avenue.
My husband is, I believe, almost assexual within our relationship. He has never been one to touch me, unless it was absolutely necessary. He will occasionally hold hands, but not without being prompted. He has never, ever given me any sort of body massage – the most he will do is a sort of poke at an affected sore area. Within the last few, assexual years, he has never discussed the problem. Instead, he will watch pornography, after I’ve gone to sleep, and then, occasionally, attempt to arouse me when I’m already asleep, There is no foreplay – he rubs KY on me, and then penetrates.
Writing this, I realize how very horrible my sex life with my husband has become. Sex is now only pain, and so infrequent as to be a surprise. On top of which, he hasn’t ejaculated within me in at least two years.
Am I totally alone in this insanity? And how, oh how, can I achieve some sense of sexuality or sensuality, before I become too old to care any more.
Oh, yes, one more thing …. he did tell me,before we started up, that he had contracted herpes from his former lover, and he did make a concerted effort not to infect me. But – he did eventually. So I bear that stigma as well.
am I just a ridiculous victim? Or is there some hope? I’d be so happy to just have a man who loved me without hurting me.
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