Part 2 of a five part Sex Advice Series
You can feel sexy again.
Past sexual abuse is one of the most common reasons women do not enjoy sex. I know. I’ve so been there.
And I can tell you this: it doesn’t take a hugely traumatic event to do some serious damage to your sexual psyche. Again, I know. I’ve so been there.
For many years, I would have never admitted to anyone-much less myself-that anything unusual had ever happened to me during my sexual past. I suppose that was partly a coping mechanism. If it were all very normal, then there was no need for me to force myself to remember the stuff and actually think about it, you know? But part of it definitely stemmed from the knowledge that much worse had happened to other women. I mean, compared what happened to the Central Park jogger, what happened to me seemed relatively minor.
But, it apparently wasn’t minor enough.
It all started at age 14, when I lost my virginity to one of those boys who see girls as a “conquest.” Once he fleeced me of my innocence, he promptly told anyone who knew me that I was a “slut.”
Then there was the incident at fraternity at Penn State during my freshman year. I was dancing with my other freshmen friends. Next thing I knew, a guy I’d never seen before walked toward me. I thought he was going to ask me my name or tell me that I couldn’t dance worth a shit (which was and still is true). He didn’t do this. He tossed me over his shoulder and started walking up a flight of stairs.
As I watched the stairs from this upside down position, I was caught up in one of those frozen states that I usually only dream about. I was mute and I was motionless. I was also in denial. I was thinking that, at any moment, the guy was going to put me down, laugh, and say, “Scared you, didn’t I?” At the very least, I assumed that any number of my 10 dorm mates would come to my rescue.
Soon I was on my back, on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed. He was on top of me. My arms were pinned to my sides. I struggled. He was much taller than me, and much heavier. I’m guessing he was 225 pounds. At the time, I was probably 110. The only part of my body that I could move was my head.
He was trying to kiss me. I moved my head from side to side. He French kissed my cheeks. I had his saliva all over my face.
I kept trying to get my knee into his crotch. I couldn’t. I tried to pinch him with my fingers. I couldn’t. I tried to head butt him. I couldn’t.
Thoughts were racing through my mind, “He’s going to rape me. This can’t be happening. I need to get away. Why aren’t my friends coming to help me? Is he really going to do this? Are his fraternity brothers watching? Is this my worst nightmare?”
I felt completely powerless.
But I apparently had a guardian angel watching over me. After thoroughly licking my face, he lifted his head and asked, “What’s wrong?”
I said, “I’d like to get high first. Do you have any pot?” I have no idea where that line came from. I didn’t smoke pot. (I’d smoked in high school, but had given it up my senior year because I ran track and wanted the lung capacity needed to make the All State team).
He grinned and said, “Yes! I’ll be right back!”
He left the room. So did I. I ran down the stairs and out the door and the roughly two miles back to my dorm room.
The Aftermath
The next semester, I signed up for a self-defense course. It was taught by a former military guy. It really should have been called something like, “14 ways to kill or maim someone with your bare hands.” He taught us how to poke out a guy’s eyeballs, rip off his ear and nose, and dislocate his knee. He taught us to break his nose and shove his broken nose bone into his brain. He explained how to rip out his trachea.
It was serious stuff, but it didn’t make me feel safe enough. So, after college, I took Tae Kwon Do classes. I was two tests away from a black belt when I changed jobs and moved to a new location. The Tae Kwon Do didn’t make me feel safe enough, either. So I switched to Aikido.
Then I met my husband. I started sleeping at his place. That’s when the nightmares began. I’d wake in the middle of the night and I’d see this man in my bed. I didn’t realize he was my boyfriend. I didn’t know who he was or how he’d gotten into my bed. I would try to scream, but no sound came out.
I had this nightmare repeatedly, well into marriage. Interestingly, it was only after working on my marriage that it finally stopped.
I also had other issues, too. I had more trouble than I like to admit reaching orgasm. I could do it alone noooo problem. With my husband and any number of boyfriends before him? Not so successful. I would also go through cold periods where I had no sex drive whatsoever. If my husband happened to initiate during one of these cold periods, I would fear him. In my mind, he became the Fraternity Boy and the Virginity Thief.
How to Overcome Your Sexual Past
I tell you all of this not for the salacious value of it, but just to say this: it doesn’t take much to really screw up a person, you know? If something similar happened to you in your past, now you know why you sometimes fear sex, can’t reach orgasm, or just can’t relax. Now you know why the only way you can get yourself in the mood might be to pretend, in your mind, that you are a whore.
Now you know.
But, you can get past this, and it’s definitely worth getting past. I’m happy to say that I no longer have cold periods. I now reach orgasm rather easily. In fact, I reach it a bit too easily, and I don’t have to think of myself as a whore to do so.
This is what I suggest:
Own your past. You don’t have to relive the experience, but you do need to acknowledge that it has shaped you. What symptoms still linger? Do you still have nightmares? Do you freeze up during sex? Are you uncomfortable being naked? Do you wear frumpy outfits in order to hide your body so no one will find you attractive and want to hurt you? Have you gained weight for the same reason? Or perhaps it manifests in a more unusual way. To this day, for instance, I still can’t feel comfortable on a dance floor, especially if men are around.
Tell someone else about it. The first person I told about Mr. Virginity Thief was my husband, who was still my boyfriend at the time. He said, “That guy was an asshole.” The words were a balm to my entire being. I needed to hear someone else say those words so I could believe them myself.
We too often resist talking about sexual trauma because we are misguided in thinking that we’re the only women on the planet who have ever experienced such a thing. We see ourselves as weak and possibly even stupid for “letting it happen.” We think of ourselves as dirty and as damaged. None of this is true. All you need to do is tell your story to one other person to know this. You are a wonderful, lovable, wholesome person. The man who hurt you? He’s not.
Find your inner power. Once you know what it feels like to be completely powerless, you never forget it. Yet, avoiding scary situations doesn’t reduce that sense of powerlessness. Avoidance does the opposite. It makes you feel even weaker.
You need to take back your power. Continually push yourself past your comfort zone in every aspect of life. Face your fear of heights. Face your fear of public speaking. Face your fear of rejection. The more often you do this, the more confident you will become. The more confident you become in other areas of your life-work, friendships, volunteering, parenting-the more confident you will feel in the bedroom.
Take back your vagina. Stop thinking of your vagina as something that someone else can take away from you. Rather, think of it as a powerful gift, one that you can give to yourself and your husband. Stop withholding. Start rewarding. I like to think of mine as a Bionic Vagina. I know it sounds silly, but you need this sense of inner Vagina Power to end the fear and powerlessness. It might help for you to switch roles in the bedroom. You become the initiator. You become the dominatrix. You are the person who is in control and on top. Heck, if it helps, buy one of those leather paddles and spank him. He’ll probably like it.
Work on your marriage. You need to be with a man who you can trust with your life. I know, without a doubt, that my husband would run into the path of an oncoming car in order to push me out of that car’s path. I didn’t always know this. Work on your marriage until you know this without a doubt.
Forgive. This is the tough part. To truly overcome your past, you need to release your hatred. I did this through Buddhist meditation, and by telling myself, “He was a victim of his own deluded mind.” In lieu of that, you might try working with a forgiveness counselor (yes, such people really do exist). You might even write a “I forgive you” letter. You don’t need to mail it. He doesn’t need to know he’s forgiven. This is about you. It’s not about him. You need to move on. The anger, resentment, and other negative feelings, unfortunately, only hurt you. It would be nice if resentment could somehow travel through the universe and maim the objects of our hatred. It doesn’t. Instead, it hurts us from within, causing stress, depression, headaches, back pain, low sex drive and many other problems. The longer you hold onto the grudge, the longer you allow him to keep hurting you.
Have you overcome sexual abuse? Are you still struggling? Email me or leave a comment.
Tomorrow: Sex Advice Part 3: what’s really normal?
Read this series from the beginning: Sex Advice, part 1.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so proud of you for touching this subject, Alisa! Congratulations to you for being a survivor, and for moving on with your life. I too, am a survivor of sexual abuse, and have always wondered how one is to forgive the person(s) who had such a catastrophic impact in their lives. Thank you for the empowerment, the inspiration, and the tools to move on!
Many hugs-
Kristin
Alisa,
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you, it hurt to even read about it. I had something happen to me last summer, just before I my now boyfriend. I haven’t talked to you about it, probably because I am still trying to forget it. Thank you for this post, your honesty (as always) and ways I can try and move past this one night in my life.
Amy
Alisa, Thank you for talking about your experiences and solutions to help. I am still a victim. It hasnt happened for 30 years, however just reading your part 2 of the series, has told me I am still being a victim. I did go threw counseling back then for about 6 months. They took me out of my home and put me into foster homes. They thought everything was was better after the 6 months, but i knew it didn’t even help even back then. I got more counceling about 10 years ago, but that counselor cept tring to tell me to forgive everything and then it will be fine. My problem is I cant figure out how to forgive 3 years of being tortured and getting tied up and trying to run and get away and having my own father beat down doors to take me in anyway he deemed fit, weather it was him tring to be passionate with a 9 through 12 year old or it being blindfolded and me sceaming at the top of my lungs from the pain and him shoving gags in my mouth to quiet me. For 3 years I was tortured and I found out just a few years ago, why my father was never in jail, the distric atterny dismissed the case! I had to take the stand and be questioned even though he admitted to everything, and they dismissed it. They dismissed me! I am married, my husband knows about what happened to me when I was young. I also have 5 children and am very watchful over my children! Inever want them to ever even know horrors like that could happen, but I also want them to know, if you know what I mean. My oldest daughter is 19 now and I have another that is 17, I have talked to them about violations and yes it happens and things happened to me that why I’m so watchful (yada yada yada). Well they just think It can never happen to them and mom is just talking to us because thats what moms have to do to scare us, and then they ignore the rest. I try to keep my horrors to myself, I feel they dont need to know that much about what happened to me, but they do need to know it happens. But still they think its just a moms ramblings. I know to this day that my past is my driving force to keep my babies safe, however after reading your story, i know I am still a victim because i had to stop reading your story countless times to do some deep breathing so i wouldn’t break down and show no vulnerablities, (and no one is home right now, so what am i afraid of). I know I need to face this but everytime I try to, I push it back down because I have a family to be strong for and it keeps me busy enough now so I don’t have to show how angry and hurt and afraid I am. I would very much appreciate your thoughts, advise, or what ever, I am open to honest opinions. Thanks for letting your readers know its ok to talk about it. This is about the most I’ve talked about mine in years. Belinda
Mm. I’m a commenter from the last page. It took me years to get over it. As mentioned, rage and tears were my association with sex. I got sick of it. I’ve gotten over it only this year. What did it? 1) Determination to see sex as something juicy and joyful and amazing. 2) Reading feminist literature. Betty Dodson. The book Cunt. Reading about the vulva. Powerful stuff. 3) Learning how to masturbate and indulge in fantasy. 4) Insisting on foreplay, and having some wonderful lovers who told me how beautiful I was, how good I tasted, how much fun they were having with me. These four things and I’ve stopped feeling angry- I see sex as something primal, joyful, powerful! Emotionally and physically, it feels so damn good!
Oh God… I just like to add that sex may a body requirement but it doesn’t mean that life is all about this…..
I co-sign everything Katie said.
Really, her comment mirrors my experience and my journey to a pain-free (in every sense), joyful sex life!
Wow,i wanted to comment on what Balinda and Alisa said,that’s amazing how you survived through such an ordeal.Reading what you wrote gave me a hint of faith that i can make it through my past.it seems no matter where i go in my life i tend to always fall back into it.my god mother keeps telling me i need to get therapy for the abuse i endured when i was younger but i guess i have a lot of fears. its good to know that others have made it through and have successful and blessed lives.i think im finally coming to grips with some of my issues.the animosity i harbor towards men is indescribable i have issues with being promiscuous and violent towards men…wow i finally said it.none of my relationships have lasted longer then a month and then im relentlessly on to the next one.i find myself preying on passive weak minded men and becoming verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards them.ive mastered sex in such a way that i virtually make men beg for more and then i take it away to gain a sense of control.and yet i have never been able to be pleased during sex.if a man is not doing anything for me financially i move on to the next because i feel powerless and a lack of control.im 21 years old and what Ive realized is i have a wonderful understanding of what some of my issues are and i am fully capable of dissecting and Analyzing the root of these behaviors but Ive had the darn est time applying my knowledge to my life.I want so badly to be normal,to not feel the need to hide anymore.i put on a face of this overly confident intelligent woman so that people feel intimidated and when i go home i find myself crunched up in a ball trapped in the body of an abused little girl.I want to live so bad i cant even begin to tell you.i feel like im living in a scripted play that i cant seem to get right.anyways….sorry for going on and on,i think i kinda got carried away for a sec,thank you for listening.
Wow. Just wow. “Take back your vagina” is one of those sentences that made me stop and reread it over and over again. In the short time it took to read it, I just realized that my past abuse (which was extreme, violent and occurred for years when I was a child) make me realize that I’ve felt that I’ve been holding back during sex. I’ve been harboring the belief that my body is still something that is only violated, used for someone else’s enjoyment or taken without my consent.
I’ve been married to a wonderful man for nearly 20 years, but I still sometimes feel suspicious that he’s using me only for his enjoyment and power rather than making love to his wife. Yet I have NO good reason to suspect that. He’s a wonderful husband who is kind, gentle and loving, but I’ve branded him with my warped image of men and my fear of giving up power. My body is mine to give to the man I love, and the days of someone taking it from me are past.
Thank you for helping me as much in that one sentence as a year of therapy.
Hi,
I stumbled across your blog today through a link a friend sent me, and after reading through I came across this article, and I’m glad I did.
On Halloween last year I had my drink spiked and was assaulted. I remember everything from the evening up until 11pm, then I woke up in my car at 5.30am with various items of clothes and my bag and keys missing. Luckily the hotel I was staying at were very helpful and the police and ambulance service were called immediately.
I spent the whole day being poked, prodded and questioned. DNA samples were taken, and I had to endure the horror of a sexual assault kit. Luckily they were able to say they were 99% sure I had not been ‘seriously’ assaulted (though any assault is serious in my books, regardless of whether it is rape or not), and after looking at CCTV, the man who had spiked my drink was only in the car with me for 5 minutes.
The Police continued the investigation and the man was found. He had given me a false name, and I strongly suspect he lied to the Police about only having ‘a kiss and a cuddle’. I have taken no further action. There is no proof he spiked my drink (even though I KNOW he must have) and it is his word against mine. Alas my word is useless as I have no memory of the event.
Victim Support were alas as useful as a chocolate teapot, so I went through occupational health at work and got myself on a course of counselling. It was absolutely the best thing I could have done. My counsellor helped me voice all my fears about what had happen, about how I felt it was my fault. What if I had drunk too much and been a stupid drunken girl? What if I had pretty much given him the come on? What if he had done worse to me? She helped me overcome all these feelings, and learn how to listen to myself, how to look after myself, and how to trust my gut instincts. My gut knows it wasn’t my fault, and my gut knows that I did nothing that night to provoke my assault.
I went away at Christmas to prove that I could go away again and nothing bad would happen to me away from home. It worked a treat. I spent time with my closest friends and had the best festive period ever. And even more recently, I have met a wonderful man and started a relationship. What is fantastic is that I’m not even remotely worried about being intimate with him. He knows what has happened to me, and we are going at our own pace, which right now involves the best snuggles ever on his sofa. I trust him, and I know he is completely different from the stranger that tried to hurt me.
I still feel a little bit wobbly, but I think that’s to be expected when this only happened 3 months ago. I think I’m probably running on 95% capacity, if that makes sense. But I am happy. I really am! I feel like I have taken control of a horrible situation, and turned it around for my own benefit, and in many ways I wish I’d had counselling earlier in my life. And what’s more? I have a really good feeling that life is only going to get better.
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Mini Break =-.
Thank you for having the courage to speak on this topic!!! You have no idea how much it can help some people, when this is a topic that is so often kept in the dark – leaving so many people feeling like they are used, and damaged, and have no one to turn to! This is the very reason that I spent the majority of my adult life thinking that sex was something to be endured, not to be enjoyed. I was never in my life able to trust a man enough to let myself go, never able to get past the feeling that I was “Damaged Goods” and the feeling of being used & dirty, every time I had sex – until I met my husband, and he taught me that sex can be a wonderful, amazing, tender & loving thing. I was married to another man for 8 years (together for 12) before I met my current husband, and my sexual problems (along with his inability to care about anyone else as much as his own gratification) are one of the big reasons why our marriage did not last. My childhood was filled with abuse of every kind, and it is not an easy thing to overcome. Thank you for having the courage that so many do not, Alisa. There are so many of us out there, yet we all feel so alone with our pain. It really does help to know that others understand how we feel. I’m so sorry to all of you who know this pain, and I know that none of us deserve it. I’m also so proud of all of us, for being strong and not letting someone else’s demons break us!
I must also say, in response to your experience, I do understand completely. I had nightmares literally every night for over a decade! And I still have them quite often. My husband & I are going through a lot of marital problems, right now (one of them being that he’s no longer attracted to me – how ironic is that??? The one man that I’ve ever been able to enjoy sex with, no longer wants to have sex with me!!!), however he was so understanding from day 1 of our relationship – meaning the first time that we spent the night together & I woke up screaming & beating the sh*t out of him! It took me so long to be able to talk to him about any of it; in fact, we were engaged and he was still asking me “what is it that makes you wake up screaming at night?”. But he was never mean, or impatient, or irritated about it – he just wanted to know what it was that caused me so much pain. He wanted to be there for me in any way that he could. And that was how I finally started feeling loved, I mean REALLY loved, for the first time in my life. Even before I could bring myself to talk to him about it; when I would wake up screaming, or crying, or hitting him, he would just put his arms around me & hold me & whisper to me that he loved me & that I was safe, because he would never let anyone hurt me ever again. I can’t tell you how many nights I woke up in his arms, with tears flowing down my face, feeling so scared & angry & in so much pain – and, yet, for the first time in my life, I also felt loved. I still have the dreams, several times a week (sometimes several times a night), and (even though we’re having problems) sometimes I still wake up with his arms around me, with him whispering to me that everything is going to be alright. And, somehow, I still believe him. I know I’ve been babbling & I’m sorry. However, I do have a point. My point is that some things will never go away, some things you just have to find a way to live with & find the good from (even when it seems like there couldn’t possibly be ANY), Some scars never fade – and Sometimes, a little love goes a long way to ease the pain.
Thank you for sharing about a very personal subject. I want to say one thing: You cannot force yourself to forgive. People often believe there is something wrong with them if they can’t forgive. If hatred, anger, or other responses to violations keep coming up, those feelings exist for a reason. Feel them fully. Take time to comfort yourself: What would have been helpful for the younger self you were to hear? Tell her that! Listen to her pain. I think truly feeling the trapped painful feelings and allowing yourself to feel what you do feel generally does more for healing than forgiving. Yes, I have traumatic sexual and relationship pain in my past, too, and I have found this approach much more effective than trying to forgive.
Thank you for sharing this. I know it is not easy to share something very personal. Whatmore to say you share something about a bad experience in your life.
Anak Inya´s last [type] ..Baby caring – choosing new clothes
Alisa, My wife was sexually abused by her grandfather when she was very young. I’ve asked her if she felt if this affects her to this day. She says “no”. She has never spoken to a professional about this and has only mentioned it to 2 other people. I can’t help think that it has affected her in some sense. She enjoys sex with me and she has no ploblems reaching orgasm. But I can’t help think that she feels that sex is something that is to be “taken” from her. After 15 years, she rarely initiates sex. She is sexually submissive. I rarely feel like she is making love to me. We are middle aged, no children home and have a very good marriage. Where is this “sexual peak” she should be in I keep reading about? Does she merely lack adventure and is completely satisfied being a “sub”? I have asked her on numerous occassions if she wanted to talk to someone about this but she doesn’t feel she needs to. Am I the one making too much of this issue?
Feed back from anyone here would be greatly appreciated.
My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for over 3 years. I’ve gone to group and one on one for the same amount of time. I know that my wife is gift from God to find out about all the louse stuff about myself. I know that my wife has the worst and best of what my Mother & Father were.
Intimacy was never on my radar, I did what my Father taught me which was just the opposite of what a husband is suppose to do. And now after 26 years of marriage, I’ve shared my what I feared most from my childhood, being raped by a family member at 12. Exploring sex with my 1st cousin and thinking I raped her when what we really were doing was finding out about sex. Just letting those things off my chest with my wife and counselor made a huge difference. Not having any hidden fears is so uplifting, for once I know that I am not alone and that others like me have had the same done to them.
Now intimacy is on my radar, everything I read says to fight tooth and nail for your marriage. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to and finds sex with a husband which had affairs over 11 years ago is going to be on her; held hostage and sh*t list no matter how hard he works on changing.
I attend SAA meetings every week, I mentor and sponsor other sex addicts. I’ve worked a 12 step program. My wife refuses to talk about my addiction and the past. I refuse to give up but there comes a time when if your spouse refuses to try to talk about past hurts and fears that you have to decide; do you stay or go. No deserves to be in a relationship which they are unhappy. I have huge abandonment & shame issues, but my wife didn’t give them to me my Mother and Father did.
I know my wife was sexually abuse but she won’t talk about it. It’s really sad now that I know what your suppose to do and share in a marriage and it might be too late.
Feed back from anyone might be helpful
hi i guess i don’t know how to get over all things that have happened to me. i just am so exsited that i at long last i got the man of my dreams. but i’m teriffied because i realized that i’ve been repeatedly abused for as long as i remember. as a child as a teen and as an adult now. i’ve been raped 3 times now over my life and abused as a child. i’m afrid because i know i can’t just relax during sex. i want to let go and enjoy it but as soon as a man trys to make me feel good i stop him and try to please him. it’s like the only way i can feel and pleaser is while giving not reciveing. i guess it’s because i’m in control or something. but this guy makes my heart sing and i’ve waited to be with him for close to 4yrs. he’s tried to have sex with me but i’m holding off because i want that to be amazing. i know he understands because i mentioned what happend to me but he is a man and won’t wait forever. i just want to really feel the whole exprieance properly. i can’t never reach orgasm and i want that with him so bad. what can i do i have tried everything as well. gosh i’ve been a real working domnatix, i’ve talked it out with people. i’ve even looked the men that did it to me in the face and they told me they were sorry them selves and i forgave them. for god sake i work at sex shop and help people everyday how to have a great sex life. what am i not doing right??? i want to resolve this before i take that step and i really want to figure this mess out sooner then later. please can anyone help me?
My own case is very different to all others cuz i was raped by armrobbers when i was still small…….please what do u tink i can do to get over it and forget it totally in my head
Hello, Alisa!
Thanks for sharing this article with us. I am a SURVIVOR of sexual abuse(child) as well and I feel that it is important to get our experience out so that it can help others. This post is very valuable to people who have yet taken their life back.
I don’t blog about it; however, I share my story and past struggles through my books. My first book helps parents discuss sexual abuse, it’s affects, and how to report it with their children. I hope that it can save someone’s child from experiencing such a thing or help them to overcome it.
I would like to know if it’s ok for me to feature some of you content on my networking site for sexual abuse survivors?
Thanks,
Shekenya
Alisa,
Thank you for sharing your story it is very empowering. When i was younger I was seually and it really did change my life. I am only 16 but I still have trouble being with a guy and feeling safe. However I did meet someone and I want to be able to feel safe with him but I can’t because i still think he is going to hurt me even though I know he won’t. I really want to let go so me and him can be happy but I Can’t. I just keep holding back. Can you help?
Dear Karen–
You are so young that I can help but think that part of the problem is that the guys you are with perhaps still ought not to be trusted. Men become so much more sensitive and gentle as they get older. I didn’t know my husband when he was a teen, but I ask him about this theory of mine and he often confirms it. I don’t preach abstinence or anything like that, but for you I think focusing on your education and building self esteem and confidence right now is what’s most important. When you meet someone that you want to maintain a long term relationship with, then it’s time to work on these other issues.
Thank you for pointing out that you don’t have to be “the central park jogger” or have experienced a HUGE assault to be severely affected by abuse. That is a very empowering statement that I have struggled with making myself believe. Whenever I have shared my story I always find myself making a type of “disclaimer” statement letting the listener know,” I wasn’t raped or anything” as if being raped is the only real abuse and everything else is just short of it.
Your story and your characterization of it really make me feel empowered and I hope other women who have felt that they weren’t assaulted or abused “enough to count” will also finally feel recognized!!!
I so appreciate your post! I went through a divorce years ago and started having flashbacks of being abused as a child. I experienced so many of the feelings you talked about. I tried counseling but didn’t want to rehash it or try to recall all the details. It was too painful. So I just tried to forget it. Fast forward years later…I got married and wasn’t happy. I couldn’t connect with my husband and felt bitterness and resentment deep inside and had serious trust issues. Also, I didn’t really think I had any worth. Like I was only good for sex. I reached a point where my pain was so intense that I really just wanted to die. So I began a search to heal. I found emotional release techniques and energy healing. I become a sponge and started getting certified in as many modalities as I could find. And I began healing the pain inside. Today I KNOW who I am and I actually LOVE myself! Over the last few years I have worked with hundreds of clients to heal the emotional wounds they have from Abuse. I am just launching my website (long over due I know). http://www.randiritchie.com. It will be up and running by next week (crossing my fingers). The biggest thing I’ve found is that those of us who have been abused in any way (sexual, physical, emotional, or verbal abuse) start seeing ourselves and our lives from a ‘tainted’ perspective. We start believing LIES about ourselves. The biggest key to healing is recognizing and finding the lies we believe and replacing them with Truth. What I know, with absolute certainty, is that healing can take place without leaving a scar. Thanks again for sharing your experience of regaining your power. You are an inspiration!
Thank you. I needed to read this. Especially the part about taking back the power of your own vagina. Mine sometimes hurts as if it is stressed (like tense shoulder muscles but down between my legs) this can happen simply by sex being on tv, walking past a sex shop, trying to touch myself, if I feel sexually advanced on by a man, if I am exposed to porn and sometimes when I read erotic fiction. That’s the toughest part. My body literally feels painful years later. The thing is with the right man and the right timing and basically when one of those guys who has read The Game and is a master at seduction, I only feel pleasure and it’s such a joy! But these men learn that level of seduction skill so they can be promiscuous. So it then reinforces my worthless/damaged goods thinking if I do have sex with them. At the moment, as tempting as it is on the very rare occasion that such a man crosses my path and makes all that effort, I am staying single and waiting until I am ready. It’s like I’m a virgin again, but not a horny one like I was when I was a teen, a bit of a sad one to be honest! But I have decided to wait for the special person. Speaking of which, the first person I told about what happened my ‘so-called best friend’ at the time told me “at least now you won’t think you’re invincible!” so, I didn’t talk about it after that. I belittled what happened to myself as if it was casual. The next time it happened, I told a boyfriend and he said I had “crocodile tears”. So I pretty much learned that no one else was going to validate what had happened to me. I blame(d) myself for it anyway. It wasn’t violent, so I convinced myself that it didn’t count. But it did.
Thank you for posting this up for people like me to find. It’s better to hear it from someone who knows, rather than some clinical ‘expert’. I’m sorry this had to happen to you, but thank you for helping me.
I believe forgiveness is a personal issue. No one has experienced another person’s life, so preaching forgiveness seems presumptuous to me.
Would you encourage a Holocaust victim to forgive Hitler, you know, for her own benefit? Hopefully not, and that applies to anyone’s private life.
What needs to be emphasized is the safe expression and validation of the anger and hatred. This would reduce the epidemic of cutting among survivors.
Some people don’t even consider forgiveness an issue, either way, it’s each person’s own private business.