Sex advice: how to overcome sexual abuse
Part 2 of a five part Sex Advice Series
You can feel sexy again.
Past sexual abuse is one of the most common reasons women do not enjoy sex. I know. I’ve so been there.
And I can tell you this: it doesn’t take a hugely traumatic event to do some serious damage to your sexual psyche. Again, I know. I’ve so been there.
For many years, I would have never admitted to anyone-much less myself-that anything unusual had ever happened to me during my sexual past. I suppose that was partly a coping mechanism. If it were all very normal, then there was no need for me to force myself to remember the stuff and actually think about it, you know? But part of it definitely stemmed from the knowledge that much worse had happened to other women. I mean, compared what happened to the Central Park jogger, what happened to me seemed relatively minor.
But, it apparently wasn’t minor enough.
It all started at age 14, when I lost my virginity to one of those boys who see girls as a “conquest.” Once he fleeced me of my innocence, he promptly told anyone who knew me that I was a “slut.”
Then there was the incident at fraternity at Penn State during my freshman year. I was dancing with my other freshmen friends. Next thing I knew, a guy I’d never seen before walked toward me. I thought he was going to ask me my name or tell me that I couldn’t dance worth a shit (which was and still is true). He didn’t do this. He tossed me over his shoulder and started walking up a flight of stairs.
As I watched the stairs from this upside down position, I was caught up in one of those frozen states that I usually only dream about. I was mute and I was motionless. I was also in denial. I was thinking that, at any moment, the guy was going to put me down, laugh, and say, “Scared you, didn’t I?” At the very least, I assumed that any number of my 10 dorm mates would come to my rescue.
Soon I was on my back, on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed. He was on top of me. My arms were pinned to my sides. I struggled. He was much taller than me, and much heavier. I’m guessing he was 225 pounds. At the time, I was probably 110. The only part of my body that I could move was my head.
He was trying to kiss me. I moved my head from side to side. He French kissed my cheeks. I had his saliva all over my face.
I kept trying to get my knee into his crotch. I couldn’t. I tried to pinch him with my fingers. I couldn’t. I tried to head butt him. I couldn’t.
Thoughts were racing through my mind, “He’s going to rape me. This can’t be happening. I need to get away. Why aren’t my friends coming to help me? Is he really going to do this? Are his fraternity brothers watching? Is this my worst nightmare?”
I felt completely powerless.
But I apparently had a guardian angel watching over me. After thoroughly licking my face, he lifted his head and asked, “What’s wrong?”
I said, “I’d like to get high first. Do you have any pot?” I have no idea where that line came from. I didn’t smoke pot. (I’d smoked in high school, but had given it up my senior year because I ran track and wanted the lung capacity needed to make the All State team).
He grinned and said, “Yes! I’ll be right back!”
He left the room. So did I. I ran down the stairs and out the door and the roughly two miles back to my dorm room.
The Aftermath
The next semester, I signed up for a self-defense course. It was taught by a former military guy. It really should have been called something like, “14 ways to kill or maim someone with your bare hands.” He taught us how to poke out a guy’s eyeballs, rip off his ear and nose, and dislocate his knee. He taught us to break his nose and shove his broken nose bone into his brain. He explained how to rip out his trachea.
It was serious stuff, but it didn’t make me feel safe enough. So, after college, I took Tae Kwon Do classes. I was two tests away from a black belt when I changed jobs and moved to a new location. The Tae Kwon Do didn’t make me feel safe enough, either. So I switched to Aikido.
Then I met my husband. I started sleeping at his place. That’s when the nightmares began. I’d wake in the middle of the night and I’d see this man in my bed. I didn’t realize he was my boyfriend. I didn’t know who he was or how he’d gotten into my bed. I would try to scream, but no sound came out.
I had this nightmare repeatedly, well into marriage. Interestingly, it was only after working on my marriage that it finally stopped.
I also had other issues, too. I had more trouble than I like to admit reaching orgasm. I could do it alone noooo problem. With my husband and any number of boyfriends before him? Not so successful. I would also go through cold periods where I had no sex drive whatsoever. If my husband happened to initiate during one of these cold periods, I would fear him. In my mind, he became the Fraternity Boy and the Virginity Thief.
How to Overcome Your Sexual Past
I tell you all of this not for the salacious value of it, but just to say this: it doesn’t take much to really screw up a person, you know? If something similar happened to you in your past, now you know why you sometimes fear sex, can’t reach orgasm, or just can’t relax. Now you know why the only way you can get yourself in the mood might be to pretend, in your mind, that you are a whore.
Now you know.
But, you can get past this, and it’s definitely worth getting past. I’m happy to say that I no longer have cold periods. I now reach orgasm rather easily. In fact, I reach it a bit too easily, and I don’t have to think of myself as a whore to do so.
This is what I suggest:
Own your past. You don’t have to relive the experience, but you do need to acknowledge that it has shaped you. What symptoms still linger? Do you still have nightmares? Do you freeze up during sex? Are you uncomfortable being naked? Do you wear frumpy outfits in order to hide your body so no one will find you attractive and want to hurt you? Have you gained weight for the same reason? Or perhaps it manifests in a more unusual way. To this day, for instance, I still can’t feel comfortable on a dance floor, especially if men are around.
Tell someone else about it. The first person I told about Mr. Virginity Thief was my husband, who was still my boyfriend at the time. He said, “That guy was an asshole.” The words were a balm to my entire being. I needed to hear someone else say those words so I could believe them myself.
We too often resist talking about sexual trauma because we are misguided in thinking that we’re the only women on the planet who have ever experienced such a thing. We see ourselves as weak and possibly even stupid for “letting it happen.” We think of ourselves as dirty and as damaged. None of this is true. All you need to do is tell your story to one other person to know this. You are a wonderful, lovable, wholesome person. The man who hurt you? He’s not.
Find your inner power. Once you know what it feels like to be completely powerless, you never forget it. Yet, avoiding scary situations doesn’t reduce that sense of powerlessness. Avoidance does the opposite. It makes you feel even weaker.
You need to take back your power. Continually push yourself past your comfort zone in every aspect of life. Face your fear of heights. Face your fear of public speaking. Face your fear of rejection. The more often you do this, the more confident you will become. The more confident you become in other areas of your life-work, friendships, volunteering, parenting-the more confident you will feel in the bedroom.
Take back your vagina. Stop thinking of your vagina as something that someone else can take away from you. Rather, think of it as a powerful gift, one that you can give to yourself and your husband. Stop withholding. Start rewarding. I like to think of mine as a Bionic Vagina. I know it sounds silly, but you need this sense of inner Vagina Power to end the fear and powerlessness. It might help for you to switch roles in the bedroom. You become the initiator. You become the dominatrix. You are the person who is in control and on top. Heck, if it helps, buy one of those leather paddles and spank him. He’ll probably like it.
Work on your marriage. You need to be with a man who you can trust with your life. I know, without a doubt, that my husband would run into the path of an oncoming car in order to push me out of that car’s path. I didn’t always know this. Work on your marriage until you know this without a doubt.
Forgive. This is the tough part. To truly overcome your past, you need to release your hatred. I did this through Buddhist meditation, and by telling myself, “He was a victim of his own deluded mind.” In lieu of that, you might try working with a forgiveness counselor (yes, such people really do exist). You might even write a “I forgive you” letter. You don’t need to mail it. He doesn’t need to know he’s forgiven. This is about you. It’s not about him. You need to move on. The anger, resentment, and other negative feelings, unfortunately, only hurt you. It would be nice if resentment could somehow travel through the universe and maim the objects of our hatred. It doesn’t. Instead, it hurts us from within, causing stress, depression, headaches, back pain, low sex drive and many other problems. The longer you hold onto the grudge, the longer you allow him to keep hurting you.
Have you overcome sexual abuse? Are you still struggling? Email me or leave a comment.
Tomorrow: Sex Advice Part 3: what’s really normal?
Read this series from the beginning: Sex Advice, part 1.
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Tags: Sex advice
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I am so proud of you for touching this subject, Alisa! Congratulations to you for being a survivor, and for moving on with your life. I too, am a survivor of sexual abuse, and have always wondered how one is to forgive the person(s) who had such a catastrophic impact in their lives. Thank you for the empowerment, the inspiration, and the tools to move on!
Many hugs-
Kristin
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Alisa,
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you, it hurt to even read about it. I had something happen to me last summer, just before I my now boyfriend. I haven’t talked to you about it, probably because I am still trying to forget it. Thank you for this post, your honesty (as always) and ways I can try and move past this one night in my life.
Amy
May 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Alisa, Thank you for talking about your experiences and solutions to help. I am still a victim. It hasnt happened for 30 years, however just reading your part 2 of the series, has told me I am still being a victim. I did go threw counseling back then for about 6 months. They took me out of my home and put me into foster homes. They thought everything was was better after the 6 months, but i knew it didn’t even help even back then. I got more counceling about 10 years ago, but that counselor cept tring to tell me to forgive everything and then it will be fine. My problem is I cant figure out how to forgive 3 years of being tortured and getting tied up and trying to run and get away and having my own father beat down doors to take me in anyway he deemed fit, weather it was him tring to be passionate with a 9 through 12 year old or it being blindfolded and me sceaming at the top of my lungs from the pain and him shoving gags in my mouth to quiet me. For 3 years I was tortured and I found out just a few years ago, why my father was never in jail, the distric atterny dismissed the case! I had to take the stand and be questioned even though he admitted to everything, and they dismissed it. They dismissed me! I am married, my husband knows about what happened to me when I was young. I also have 5 children and am very watchful over my children! Inever want them to ever even know horrors like that could happen, but I also want them to know, if you know what I mean. My oldest daughter is 19 now and I have another that is 17, I have talked to them about violations and yes it happens and things happened to me that why I’m so watchful (yada yada yada). Well they just think It can never happen to them and mom is just talking to us because thats what moms have to do to scare us, and then they ignore the rest. I try to keep my horrors to myself, I feel they dont need to know that much about what happened to me, but they do need to know it happens. But still they think its just a moms ramblings. I know to this day that my past is my driving force to keep my babies safe, however after reading your story, i know I am still a victim because i had to stop reading your story countless times to do some deep breathing so i wouldn’t break down and show no vulnerablities, (and no one is home right now, so what am i afraid of). I know I need to face this but everytime I try to, I push it back down because I have a family to be strong for and it keeps me busy enough now so I don’t have to show how angry and hurt and afraid I am. I would very much appreciate your thoughts, advise, or what ever, I am open to honest opinions. Thanks for letting your readers know its ok to talk about it. This is about the most I’ve talked about mine in years. Belinda
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:44 am
Mm. I’m a commenter from the last page. It took me years to get over it. As mentioned, rage and tears were my association with sex. I got sick of it. I’ve gotten over it only this year. What did it? 1) Determination to see sex as something juicy and joyful and amazing. 2) Reading feminist literature. Betty Dodson. The book Cunt. Reading about the vulva. Powerful stuff. 3) Learning how to masturbate and indulge in fantasy. 4) Insisting on foreplay, and having some wonderful lovers who told me how beautiful I was, how good I tasted, how much fun they were having with me. These four things and I’ve stopped feeling angry- I see sex as something primal, joyful, powerful! Emotionally and physically, it feels so damn good!
May 19th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Oh God… I just like to add that sex may a body requirement but it doesn’t mean that life is all about this…..
June 26th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I co-sign everything Katie said.
Really, her comment mirrors my experience and my journey to a pain-free (in every sense), joyful sex life!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Wow,i wanted to comment on what Balinda and Alisa said,that’s amazing how you survived through such an ordeal.Reading what you wrote gave me a hint of faith that i can make it through my past.it seems no matter where i go in my life i tend to always fall back into it.my god mother keeps telling me i need to get therapy for the abuse i endured when i was younger but i guess i have a lot of fears. its good to know that others have made it through and have successful and blessed lives.i think im finally coming to grips with some of my issues.the animosity i harbor towards men is indescribable i have issues with being promiscuous and violent towards men…wow i finally said it.none of my relationships have lasted longer then a month and then im relentlessly on to the next one.i find myself preying on passive weak minded men and becoming verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards them.ive mastered sex in such a way that i virtually make men beg for more and then i take it away to gain a sense of control.and yet i have never been able to be pleased during sex.if a man is not doing anything for me financially i move on to the next because i feel powerless and a lack of control.im 21 years old and what Ive realized is i have a wonderful understanding of what some of my issues are and i am fully capable of dissecting and Analyzing the root of these behaviors but Ive had the darn est time applying my knowledge to my life.I want so badly to be normal,to not feel the need to hide anymore.i put on a face of this overly confident intelligent woman so that people feel intimidated and when i go home i find myself crunched up in a ball trapped in the body of an abused little girl.I want to live so bad i cant even begin to tell you.i feel like im living in a scripted play that i cant seem to get right.anyways….sorry for going on and on,i think i kinda got carried away for a sec,thank you for listening.
November 24th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Wow. Just wow. “Take back your vagina” is one of those sentences that made me stop and reread it over and over again. In the short time it took to read it, I just realized that my past abuse (which was extreme, violent and occurred for years when I was a child) make me realize that I’ve felt that I’ve been holding back during sex. I’ve been harboring the belief that my body is still something that is only violated, used for someone else’s enjoyment or taken without my consent.
I’ve been married to a wonderful man for nearly 20 years, but I still sometimes feel suspicious that he’s using me only for his enjoyment and power rather than making love to his wife. Yet I have NO good reason to suspect that. He’s a wonderful husband who is kind, gentle and loving, but I’ve branded him with my warped image of men and my fear of giving up power. My body is mine to give to the man I love, and the days of someone taking it from me are past.
Thank you for helping me as much in that one sentence as a year of therapy.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Hi,
I stumbled across your blog today through a link a friend sent me, and after reading through I came across this article, and I’m glad I did.
On Halloween last year I had my drink spiked and was assaulted. I remember everything from the evening up until 11pm, then I woke up in my car at 5.30am with various items of clothes and my bag and keys missing. Luckily the hotel I was staying at were very helpful and the police and ambulance service were called immediately.
I spent the whole day being poked, prodded and questioned. DNA samples were taken, and I had to endure the horror of a sexual assault kit. Luckily they were able to say they were 99% sure I had not been ‘seriously’ assaulted (though any assault is serious in my books, regardless of whether it is rape or not), and after looking at CCTV, the man who had spiked my drink was only in the car with me for 5 minutes.
The Police continued the investigation and the man was found. He had given me a false name, and I strongly suspect he lied to the Police about only having ‘a kiss and a cuddle’. I have taken no further action. There is no proof he spiked my drink (even though I KNOW he must have) and it is his word against mine. Alas my word is useless as I have no memory of the event.
Victim Support were alas as useful as a chocolate teapot, so I went through occupational health at work and got myself on a course of counselling. It was absolutely the best thing I could have done. My counsellor helped me voice all my fears about what had happen, about how I felt it was my fault. What if I had drunk too much and been a stupid drunken girl? What if I had pretty much given him the come on? What if he had done worse to me? She helped me overcome all these feelings, and learn how to listen to myself, how to look after myself, and how to trust my gut instincts. My gut knows it wasn’t my fault, and my gut knows that I did nothing that night to provoke my assault.
I went away at Christmas to prove that I could go away again and nothing bad would happen to me away from home. It worked a treat. I spent time with my closest friends and had the best festive period ever. And even more recently, I have met a wonderful man and started a relationship. What is fantastic is that I’m not even remotely worried about being intimate with him. He knows what has happened to me, and we are going at our own pace, which right now involves the best snuggles ever on his sofa. I trust him, and I know he is completely different from the stranger that tried to hurt me.
I still feel a little bit wobbly, but I think that’s to be expected when this only happened 3 months ago. I think I’m probably running on 95% capacity, if that makes sense. But I am happy. I really am! I feel like I have taken control of a horrible situation, and turned it around for my own benefit, and in many ways I wish I’d had counselling earlier in my life. And what’s more? I have a really good feeling that life is only going to get better.
Laura´s last blog ..Mini Break
July 30th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Thank you for having the courage to speak on this topic!!! You have no idea how much it can help some people, when this is a topic that is so often kept in the dark – leaving so many people feeling like they are used, and damaged, and have no one to turn to! This is the very reason that I spent the majority of my adult life thinking that sex was something to be endured, not to be enjoyed. I was never in my life able to trust a man enough to let myself go, never able to get past the feeling that I was “Damaged Goods” and the feeling of being used & dirty, every time I had sex – until I met my husband, and he taught me that sex can be a wonderful, amazing, tender & loving thing. I was married to another man for 8 years (together for 12) before I met my current husband, and my sexual problems (along with his inability to care about anyone else as much as his own gratification) are one of the big reasons why our marriage did not last. My childhood was filled with abuse of every kind, and it is not an easy thing to overcome. Thank you for having the courage that so many do not, Alisa. There are so many of us out there, yet we all feel so alone with our pain. It really does help to know that others understand how we feel. I’m so sorry to all of you who know this pain, and I know that none of us deserve it. I’m also so proud of all of us, for being strong and not letting someone else’s demons break us!
July 30th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
I must also say, in response to your experience, I do understand completely. I had nightmares literally every night for over a decade! And I still have them quite often. My husband & I are going through a lot of marital problems, right now (one of them being that he’s no longer attracted to me – how ironic is that??? The one man that I’ve ever been able to enjoy sex with, no longer wants to have sex with me!!!), however he was so understanding from day 1 of our relationship – meaning the first time that we spent the night together & I woke up screaming & beating the sh*t out of him! It took me so long to be able to talk to him about any of it; in fact, we were engaged and he was still asking me “what is it that makes you wake up screaming at night?”. But he was never mean, or impatient, or irritated about it – he just wanted to know what it was that caused me so much pain. He wanted to be there for me in any way that he could. And that was how I finally started feeling loved, I mean REALLY loved, for the first time in my life. Even before I could bring myself to talk to him about it; when I would wake up screaming, or crying, or hitting him, he would just put his arms around me & hold me & whisper to me that he loved me & that I was safe, because he would never let anyone hurt me ever again. I can’t tell you how many nights I woke up in his arms, with tears flowing down my face, feeling so scared & angry & in so much pain – and, yet, for the first time in my life, I also felt loved. I still have the dreams, several times a week (sometimes several times a night), and (even though we’re having problems) sometimes I still wake up with his arms around me, with him whispering to me that everything is going to be alright. And, somehow, I still believe him. I know I’ve been babbling & I’m sorry. However, I do have a point. My point is that some things will never go away, some things you just have to find a way to live with & find the good from (even when it seems like there couldn’t possibly be ANY), Some scars never fade – and Sometimes, a little love goes a long way to ease the pain.