Project Happily Ever After

Today, with the help of man expert Charles Orlando, I’m launching a semi-regular series: Why Do Men DO That?! On his blog, Charles is doing the opposite, with a series called Why Do Women DO That?! Check it out and leave him a comment, letting him know if I correctly shed light upon why women put some men in the “just friends” category. Here,  you’ll find out what Charles had to say about this one type of odd and perplexing male behavior.

Q:  What is it with men who adjust their junk in public?

(Alisa’s Note: I actually asked Charles, “Why do men scratch their balls in public?” He changed the question slightly. He’s more evolved than I am).

Charles’ Answer: Men always seem to have one hand on their stuff. Is it biological? Psychological? I asked a number of men why, and they don’t have a real answer. From one of my brothers:

“Men’s testicles are very uncomfortable sometimes, and need continual re-adjustment, especially when sitting down. Also, they tend to retract when it’s cold, and expand (read: drop lower) when it’s warm. In short, they need continual adjustment so we can stay comfortable.”

Okay… as a man I can agree with all of that. After all, we’re talking about an appendage that sticks out, bounces around during activities, and is generally up-front-and-center. But “continual” adjustment is not the same as CONSTANT adjustment. And there is NEVER an excuse for touching/adjusting your privates in public. Period. I mean, we’re not talking about a woman in a tight bikini pulling the edge of her suit bottom in order to free it from the clutches of the unknown. We’re describing a grip-and-rub approach of privates—in public.

In my opinion, it’s simply bad manners, and seems to reflect a general disregard for common manners and civility. Junk-rubbing aside, releasing a 15-second three-octave fart (in mixed company!)—one so foul it makes the dog leave the room—seems to be a standing goal with men of all ages, 9 to 90 (although I do not know how you would put that skill on a resume). Men have seemingly discovered that a human being’s normal bodily functions can cover a multitude of offensive behaviors, and they compete for bragging rights across a wide range of  “events”: gas (both ends), picking, chewing, scratching, adjusting, rubbing, all with a  seemingly endless concentration on volume (measured in both decibels and quantity).

I  wish I could understand why these activities trigger feelings of bonding for men, not to mention the jargon that accompanies these behaviors: the Dutch Oven (passing gas in bed  and then suffocating your mate by pulling the covers over her head), the Dismount  (action taken after a very loud belch or rear-end emission, resembling a gymnastics pose  struck after finishing a routine), a Soprano (a man who passes gas with a sound that is  high-pitched; also known as a Squeaker), ad nauseum.

Throughout the 18+ years I have known my wife, I have yet to practice these repulsive behaviors in front of her or our kids. What happens in our sleep is not our fault; it comes with being a human being. But a conscious effort needs to be put forth to not to engage in these activities when one is around other  people (uh, duh?). It’s really just basic civility. Men who systematically shun civilized behavior and imagine obnoxious behavior to be “a guy thing” or “what guys do,” are wrong. Moreover, men seem to assume that these offensive activities are automatically acceptable in the company of other men-whether they’re with men they’ve known for some time, or are with those they’ve just met.

Take note, men: These habits are  disgusting, offensive, and are not considered endearing to the women in your lives. Keys  are not Q-Tips, nails should be clipped in private, whisker trimmings should be wiped off  the sink, and privates can be adjusted-as well as gas passed-in the lavatory (or at least in private).

Charles Orlando is the author of The Problem with Women… is Men: The Evolution of a Man’s Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness. When he’s not giving his wife breakfast-in-bed or playing Guitar Hero with his kids, his can be found blogging at theproblemwithwomenismen.com.

Alisa’s Addendum: I asked Mr. Strong and Silent the same question I  posed to Charles. His answer: “Because we can.” Personally, it think it’s because their underwear is too tight. For the record, I’ve never seen my husband adjust his junk (short of the acrobatics it takes to insert himself into a cup), but he’s a master at “pull my finger.” Perhaps he will read this blog and understand that he should only ask men to do that.

Do you have a burning question about odd male behavior? Leave a comment and Charles will dish the next time he drops by Project Happily Ever After to blog.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 at 8:05 am and is filed under Marriage Advice, Why do men DO that?!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.