A couple years ago, I met a friend for dinner. I ranted about my husband for a good 10 to 15 minutes. She listened patiently as I told her that our marriage was dead, that we hadn’t had sex in months, that he talked to me in a condescending, nasty tone of voice, and that he rarely if ever helped with the parenting.
She asked, “Why are you still married?”
You're not stuck in a bad marriage
Her question stopped me cold because I had not truly thought about it. I’d accepted staying in a miserable marriage. I’d given myself no other choice.
But I did have a choice. I had three choices.
Choice #1: I could choose to do nothing and be miserable for the rest of my sorry married life.
Choice #2: I could try to save my marriage.
Choice #3: I could get a divorce.
I went with Choice #2 and thankfully, it worked. Next week, I’ll write more about what I did to save my marriage. If you are opting for Choice #2, I hope you find my free marriage advice helpful.
Today, I want to talk about the other two choices. First, Choice #3 is as admirable as Choice #2. I am not against divorce. Some marriages cannot be saved.
What I am against is misery. I’m against Choice #1—because so many people make that choice without even knowing they are doing it. They stay in miserable marriages because they don’t allow themselves to see the alternatives. They stay in miserable marriages out of fear of the unknown.
I encourage you to think about the same question my friend posed to me. If you are miserable, why are you staying in this relationship? By staying in a bad relationship, you are actively choosing to be miserable. Why are you making that choice? Chances are, you are doing so because:
- You fear what family and friends might think about you making any other choice.
- You fear loneliness and being alone more than you fear staying in a miserable relationship.
- You don’t think you deserve better.
- You put the happiness of others—even that of your spouse—above your own personal happiness.
- You worry how any other choice will affect your children. Yet, by staying in a miserable relationship—and doing nothing about it—you teach your children to follow in your footsteps.
You deserve to be happy. You have the right to be happy, and you have the choice to be happy.
You do have a choice. You are not stuck. You can end the misery. You really can.
Loading ...Why do people stay in miserable relationships? Why are you staying in one? Do you have advice that might help others end the misery? Leave a comment.
Next week: Alisa’s free marriage advice, 10 ways to say I love you, and 5 ways to find yourself, plus lots more. Don’t miss a single blog. Subscribe by email by typing your address into the box at right, and have this blog delivered to your inbox.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
This couldn’t have come at a better time. Please post those steps soon. I could really use some building blocks.
This is such a great article! I can learn much from this. I am looking forward to reading the next one.
Thanks Alisa!
I look forward to the future posts. We have been married 29 years but I know I leave much to be desired as a husband.
I have so many thoughts on this. I have the most wonderful marriage I could ever envision….and many people would say “Sure…it’s your second one!”. That’s true – but the fact is – more second marriages end in divorce than firsts. We have been married almost 11 years and I can say that it gets richer and more fantastic each day. How? Well….great counseling to begin with. When you suddenly have a blended family – it’s certainly no Brady Bunch Day! I have two suggestions that are both non-traditional. One – go to http://www.ScreamFree.com It’s a parenting site but the tools are the same for relationship. Decided that YOU have to put yourself first – if you aren’t healthy you cannot be of benenfit to anyone. Second – get the book “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. It is life-changing if you are open to it. You have choices and each of them bring consequences and each of them bring reward. It can be an exciting time….no matter what your decision is. I look forward to hearing from you.
I have been married to a narrcistic personality disorder male for 41 years and I thought it would get easier but its getting worse to handle his misbehavior and his remarks
Cindi I have been living with my husband for 9 years and I think that he very much displays NPD. I had come to the end of the line yesterday when once again I discovered, another infidelity, along with the continued lies etc etc.
I now have hope. I found this site http://www.narcissimcured.com and recommend that you have a look at it. I will not give up yet and I take my hat off to you that you have survived for 41 years!! I have had the worst 9 years of my life in so many ways but I understand also that my husband is afflicted with this awful behavioural disorder and I need to try something different. Hopefully I will learn new and effective skills and he says that he wants to have a happy fulfilling marriage. (I don’t know if he knows what that looks like though as he has been like this for many many years, childhood emotional abuse).
I wish you well and all other men and women out there that are living with a person with NPD.
Nice post there, You can also visit savingmarriage.co.uk that can help you during this tough times. Don’t waste your time thinking of a solution visit this site savingmarriage.co.uk now and get the best tips on what you can do to save your marriage not just for both of you but for your children as well.
.-= jeff´s last blog ..Uncover The Easy Ways to Save Marriage Relationship â Incredible Result =-.
Thanks for the post. I also want to recommend this site howtosavemarriages.com that can help you during this tough times.Don’t waste your time thinking of a solution visit this site howtosavemarriages.com now and get the best tips on what you can do to save your marriage not just for both of you but for your children as well.
.-= jeff´s last blog ..How to save your marriage =-.
Good Article.But what is unfortunate is that many people do not try much to save their marriage when trouble arises. You can also check this site that I found, howtosavemarriages.com. It can help you during these times
This is such a great article! I can learn much from this. I am looking forward to reading the next one. For more articles like these you can visit savingyourmarriage.co.uk
Husband training…… get him to do what you want. that is the key. Time to perfect man 5 to 10 years…. yes it can take that long. Is it worth it? that is the real question.
How do you save a marriage when all you want to do is spend time with them and all they have is excuse after excuse not to.
I feel very a lone in my relationship with him. Part of me wants to say but the other half wants to go.
How do you change it so that both sides are happy
That is a very good article. I have been married for over 10 years now and I still considder our marriage as a “good” marriage, but you have to be aware that you have to work on your marriage to keep it alive. We have got three young children and we both work, so between the madness of everyday life you need to det aside time for your partner. Use the time to talk or go on a deta etc. It all helps to connect together in a busy lifestyle. Looking forward to reading more…
There are some serious communication problems between the two of you. It also seems that there are expectations of each other but they don’t seem to be on the same level. She did come back that last time wanting to try again, but later it went back to the same situation. There are two things I would like to suggest: See a marriage counselor and also start reading books and articles to help you see areas in your life that you can change, especially communication.
Wish you well.
Jake´s last [type] ..How To Stop Divorce
@jennie fox….
I am experiencing the SAME issues Jennie. The fact is…we can only work on OURSELVES and our spouses have to work on THEMSELVES. We can’t change them, they just have to WANT IT. If not, then moving on is the BEST policy. I’m learning more and more to take care of ME, stay healthy and do the things that make ME happy. It’s hard especially when you LOVE someone as much as I love my WIFE and you want to spend time with them to re-connect. It’s sad, real sad. EVERYONE deserves to be in a HAPPY RELATIONSHIP.
So what do I do when my husband does not realize how bad he hurts me and never puts any effort into making the marriage better? Only criticizes me for having issues with major things he has done? He acts like he doesn’t care to fix anything?
It really takes both but if you do all that you can do hopefully the other will come around. I’m their now dont give up just keep on pressing foward you know in your heart your giving your all.
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