Project Happily Ever After

When you think about having sex with your spouse, do you think something along the lines of, “Oh God, please not that.”

Been there.

Assuming there’s no truly good reason for it (say, one of you has been hospitalized for a few months), the Dry Spell is one of the main symptoms of a bad marriage. It means one or both of you has given up on making things work.

If you are the person who has put a ban on all non-sleep-related activities in the bedroom, then you are probably thinking something like, “Look, no woman in her right mind would want to have sex with my husband. He’s annoying. He talks down to me. He does nothing around the house. He scratches his balls in public and he farts in bed.”

(Although I can see how they might interfere with your sex life, I mostly added the last two details to see if you were still with me.)

I get you. I’ve been there. But here’s the thing: if you want your marriage to work, you need to have sex with your partner, and you need to have it somewhat regularly. Sex is how you validate your partner. It’s how you say, “You are worthy. You are sexy. I want you.” For strong and silent men, like my husband, it’s a form of communication. It’s how he connects with me.

Sex is also how you relax. Regular sex keeps you happy and resilient. Now that my husband and I have a regular sex routine, I’m much less tense and much more enjoyable to be around. Stuff just doesn’t bother me as much. In fact, whenever I start to get moody, I know it’s been too long since the last time we’ve had sex.

If you need even more reasons to get it on, check out these related posts.

12 Surefire Ways to Get in the Mood

Get Past that Dry Spell

He’s in the Mood. I’d Rather Have a Lobotomy.

Of course you need to work on everything else that’s wrong with your marriage, too. A good marriage creates a good sex life, and a good sex life leads to a better marriage. It’s all interrelated. We’ll talk more about how to fix what else is wrong in your marriage in future installments of this Free Marriage Advice Series. But you need to start having sex again now, before your marriage is perfect. It’s part of the healing process.

Make a date to start having sex again. Put it on the calendar. If it’s been a really long time, start at first base. Cuddle naked together. Then try some kissing and touching. Advance to you pleasuring him, and him pleasuring you. Eventually, go for the grand slam. Read this related post for more on How to End a Dry Spell.

Schedule it. Don’t wait until the mood strikes. This sets you up for problems in two ways. First, for some people, the mood never strikes. This is especially common in women with young children. We’re so exhausted and busy that we don’t give ourselves enough time to relax in order for the mood to surface.

Second, one partner is usually a bit more highly sexed than the other. If that partner is always in the role of initiating and the lower sexed partner is always in the role of turning down, a power struggle can easily emerge. The highly sexed partner feels unloved and the less highly sexed partner feels guilty. If you schedule it, you can break out of this role. Talk to your spouse about an ideal sex schedule. It might be as often as three times a week or as little as once a month.

Make your sex date sacred. Nothing interferes with it. Get down to business even if you are not in the mood. Just get into bed together and see what happens. Chances are, once you tune out the world and tune into your partner, the mood will strike. And, if it doesn’t, explore the use of DVDs, magazines, erotica, sex toys, lubricants, lingerie and other options.

Stop withholding sex. When you withhold sex because you are irritated with your partner, you start a Bad Marriage Cycle. It goes like this. He ticks you off. You declare your vagina a Man Free Zone. He gets frustrated because he’s not getting any, so he becomes even more irritating. You not only declare your vagina a Man Free Zone, you start wearing frumpy underwear. He sees the underwear and starts thinking other women are sexier than you are. Do you see where this is going?

If you do the opposite and Reward Him with Sex, however, you just might save your marriage. Have sex whenever he’s been a good boy. Trust me. It works.

Teach him how to get you going. Sexperts claim that it takes about three minutes for the typical man to get in the mood. He sees you naked. He’s in the mood. Done. For women, it’s a lot more complicated, and any number of turn-offs that take place over any random 24 hour period can make a woman rank sex right up there with scrubbing the bathroom floor on her list of most treasured activities.

So you need to teach him what to do and what not to do to get you and keep you in the mood. For help, go ahead and print out the following lists and hand them to your partner to read.

Honey These Things Turn Me On

• Text “I love you” to me, just because you really do.

• Do the dishes for no other reason than the fact that you noticed them sitting in the sink.

• Eat whatever I’ve made for dinner and declare it a 5 star gourmet creation that the world’s pickiest eaters would all adore.

• Get up in the middle of the night whenever one of our kids wakes from a nightmare.

• Rub my feet, without expecting a foot rub (or any other kind of rub) in return.

• If you borrow my car and notice that it only has a quarter tank left of gas, fill it up.

• If you see a pile of letters sitting on the kitchen table, take them to the post office without being asked.

• Whistle when you see me getting dressed or undressed.

• Ask me if I’ve lost weight.

• Tell me I look fantastic in whatever it is that I happen to be wearing.

• Ask me to turn around so you can get a better look at all my beautiful body has to offer.

• If you hear me cursing at my computer, ask me if there’s anything you can do.

• If you notice me brooding, ask if I’d like to talk. Pour me a glass of wine, turn off the TV, and listen attentively.

• Bring me my coffee or tea in the morning.

• Brush your teeth and shower before asking for sex.

Honey These Things Turn Me Off

• Whenever I am cooking, don’t say, “Don’t you think the burner is on too high? I think you’re going to burn it again.” In fact, just stay out of the kitchen.

• Please don’t leave your empty beer bottles by the recliner or your underwear on the floor in the hallway.

• If I am sitting next to you on the couch, please don’t force me to watch the fishing channel, hunting channel, or anything to do with cars-especially if a new episode of Criminal Minds (or whatever your favorite show is) is on.

• Please don’t make sarcastic or hurtful comments about how I look. Also don’t make negative comments about something I say, wear, make for dinner, or do. For instance, “Have you gained weight?” Not good.

• If you are in the mood, please don’t communicate that fact by rubbing my thigh with your hand or by suddenly crawling on top of me.

• Don’t pass a violent amount of gas, turn our entire bedroom into a Hazmat zone, and then ask whether I’d like to have sex.

• When I tell you that I really need to talk, don’t say, “Sure in a second. It’s almost half time.”

• Please don’t leave the toilet seat up. It’s not fun to get my butt wet in the middle of the night.

• Please don’t tell me, “I thought you were trying to lose weight” whenever I order dessert.

• Please don’t stare at or make comments about another woman’s boobs, butt, or other random body part.

What turns you on or turns you off in the bedroom? Do you have advice for couples who are trying to improve their sex life? Do you think a regular sex life is an important part of a happy relationship? Leave a comment.

This article is part of a free marriage advice series.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 7th, 2009 at 12:44 pm and is filed under Marriage Advice, Sex advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.