Housework: Do you need a job description?
Of all of the various things my husband and I have bickered about, housework probably tops the list. We’ve disagreed about the proper way to fold laundry (he doesn’t think it needs to be folded), what type of cleanser works best on the bathroom counter (he thinks plain water kills germs just fine), and even the proper way to tie a knot in the kitchen trash bag (I am apparently challenged in the knot-tying department).
But, mostly, we’ve argued about fairness: I do more. He does less.
We solved the issue, for the most part, by getting a cleaning lady. But not every couple can afford such a luxury.
That’s where John Curtis, PhD, former marriage counselor, comes in. This author of the Business of Love and Happily Un-Married, recommends couples adopt strategies from the business world, such as creating job descriptions and doing performance appraisals.
Q: How can couples prevent arguments over household chores and parenting tasks? In other words, over who does what around the house?
A: Traditional relationships base household chores on gender: this is man’s work (usually outside) and this is woman’s work (usually inside). Nowadays, that model just doesn’t work. The savvy couple knows that you base chores on competency just like in business or sports. So one simple way to prevent needless arguments over the “little stuff” is to complete a job description for both partners.
Q: How do they avoid fighting about the job description itself? What’s the best way to divvy things up?
A: Developing a job description for him and her is easier than you might think. First, you write down all the basic tasks that have to be performed: doing dishes, walking the dog, buying groceries, paying bills and so on. Then each person goes through the list and picks those tasks that he or she likes doing or is best suited to accomplish. With the remaining items you can do a myriad of things: flip a coin, decide to trade off the task on alternating weeks, hire someone else to do it (outsourcing), and so on. The key here is to base chores on competency. She might be better at managing the household finances and he might be better cooking. For the 21st century couple, that is just fine.
Check out Curtis’ marital_job_description_activity1.
Q: Are there times when it’s not only okay, but desirable to deviated from this job description?
A: Just like at work, there will be times that one person does another’s chores. You don’t want to set up an “it’s not my job” scenario at home because no one wins. So, with the unpleasant tasks that no one wants to do (such as emptying the cat’s litter box), you just have to tough it out and take your turn. But in another instance you might negotiate a trade or set up the unpleasant task as the consequences for not doing something else you promised. The key is to have some fun, play around with those tasks in the gray areas and continually look for ways to lighten the load for both.
Q: How often should couples re-visit the job descriptions to make sure they still work?
A: Conduct regular performance appraisals! Yep, you read that correctly. Two to four times a year, sit down with the descriptions and rate how well your partner performed each task. (Your partner does the same for you). Use this rating system:
1 = Does not meet expectations
2 = Meets expectations
3 = Exceeds expectations
Talk about the 1 and 3 ratings, alternating the discussion between the two. For instance, you might say, “You are doing a fabulous job with keeping food in the house, however, the litter box often begins to smell before you get around to cleaning it.”
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