Should I stay or should I go?

On Mother’s Day, more than a year ago, I spent the night in New York. It was my first night away from my daughter since her birth, 2 ½ years before. I met a friend for dinner, hoping she’d help me decide the answer to an important question, “Should I divorce my husband or live the rest of my life in misery?” She had been divorced and remarried. Her second marriage was a happy one. I considered her an expert on the matter.

I blamed my husband for all of my misery. It was his fault that I felt overwhelmed. It was his fault that I had to work so much. It was his fault that I was so, so tired and so, so miserable. If I could only make him disappear, I thought, I would eventually find my true Prince Charming and finally be able to live happily ever after. The main issue: our daughter. I didn’t want her to grow up in a broken home. Which was more important, her happiness or mine?

I ranted for a very long time that night. I told my friend about everything I didn’t like about my Mr. Strong and Silent. “Our marriage is dead. We have nothing to say to one another. Sometimes I think he hates me. Whenever I call him, he sounds unhappy to hear from me, as if I’m bothering him. He never helps with the parenting. He’s never home. It’s like I’m a single mother. I earn nearly all the money. I do all of the housework and 90 percent of the parenting. I’m exhausted. I can’t go on much longer. I want to feel loved, and I don’t think he loves me anymore. How did you know it was time to give up?”

I expected to her tell me that Mr. Strong and Silent was a colossal asshole, that I deserved much better and that much better was still out there somewhere waiting. Instead, she asked me what I’d tried. She suggested marital counseling. She suggested trying everything before giving up. And, she told me that I should not stay with him for my daughter’s sake. I should stay because we were trying and the trying was bringing us to a better place.

When I started the Project, I was not convinced it would lead us to a better place, but I did try my hardest. Amazingly, so did he. I had been so sure that he no longer loved me. I had been so sure that he was set in his ways, that he would never change. Over the coming weeks and months, however, I realized that he indeed did love me. He just didn’t know how to show it. He didn’t know I needed him. Now a year later, our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s much better. More important, I’m better. In order to improve my marriage, I had to learn many important lessons. I had to learn how to put myself first, without guilt. I had to learn how to ask for what I needed, without guilt. I had to learn how to demand certain types of behavior from my husband—such as spending more time with his daughter—and how not to back down. Some things in marriage are non-negotiable. I had to learn how to stand my ground.

As it turns out, he was not the only cause of my misery. I caused it, too. I’m glad I stayed and I’m glad I tried because doing so helped me to get to a happier place. Even if, after all our work, we still divorced (we didn’t) the Project still would have been well worth it. The answer to the, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” question is different for everyone. In my mind, certain types of behavior fall automatically into the GO column.

They are:

* Your spouse just won’t try. You suggest counseling but he won’t go. You suggest reading self-help books, but he won’t do it. You suggest any number of things, but he’s incapable of owning any part of the problem. Instead, he blames all of your marital problems on you.

* Your spouse has an addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling) and won’t seek help.

* Your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive.

* Your spouse is unfaithful, and won’t admit he has a problem. (Personally, just one cheat is enough for me to call it quits, but some couples can move on from infidelity and eventually reach a happier place.)

* You’ve tried everything—marital counseling, self-help, separation—and you are still miserable.

For me, what’s most important for the STAY category is that my husband continually tries. I see him changing, and, every time I do, I fall back in love with him a little bit more.

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Tagged as: divorce, happily married, marriage, Marriage Advice, relationships advice, staying marriage