BOOK REVIEWS, MARRIAGE ADVICE

Marriage Books You’ll Love: Can’t Think Straight

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Apparently Kiri Blakeley and I were destined to become friends. Kiri used to write regularly for Forbes Woman. One day, about a year ago, my phone rang. I picked it up. It was Kiri. She interviewed me about something or other. I think it was a story about celebrities and how they suck at staying married.

Something like that. Then almost as soon as I was on the phone with Kiri, I was off it. That’s how things generally go with reporters, I’ve found.

A few months later, I met Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan psychotherapist, at a TV station. We were both there to talk about Tiger Woods. Somehow one thing led to another and he told me about this woman that he thought I should meet. It was Kiri.

As it turned out, Kiri had a book coming out. As it turned out, I had a book coming out. As it turned out, both of our books were coming out on the same date: December 28th. (Cue the music from Twilight Zone now).

Kiri and I decided to make the best of this peculiar situation. I sent her my book. She sent me hers. We agreed that I would blurb her book. She would blurb mine.

I Facebook friended her. She Facebook friended me. It was like that. Love at first interview, as they say.

Anyway, as I read Kiri’s book, a few thoughts occurred to me.

Thought #1: Dang, this girl is brave. I sweated over the one sex scene in my book and about whether it would be okay to use the phrase “went down on” when referring to something I did with my husband. Kiri proved to me that I had nothing to worry about. More important, she proved to me that one could write about having sex in a very detailed way with very detailed words and still look you in the eye the next morning.

Thought #2: I had to read Kiri’s book in private, with the book in one hand and a vibrator in the other. I do not exaggerate. It’s a great story, but it’s vibrator worthy, too. If you are struggling with your sex drive, read this book. You’ll be cured.

Thought #3: I never want to be single ever again. And if, for some freak reason, I become single, I am not going to date. I’ll just become a nun or something, even though I’m not Catholic.

This last thought is the reason I’ve decided to include Can’t Think Straight in the Marriage Books You’ll Love series. Can’t Think Straight tells the story of the year Kiri spent recovering from the news that her fiance and boyfriend of 10 years was gay. That’s right. The guy she was about to marry—the guy that she thought was perfect for her in every way—one night said, “Honey we need to talk.” That conversation ended with her realizing that her boyfriend was not attracted to her because he was attracted to hairy men instead. (Watch this video of Kiri reading the first chapter of the book for all of the details of how he came out).

After that split, Kiri spent a year rediscovering her sexuality. She went on a wild dating spree—the kind that my unhappily married mind fantasized about quite often.

I don’t know about you, but when I was unhappy in my marriage I had all sorts of wonderfully unrealistic thoughts about what the dating world was like. For instance, I thought the dating world was filled with these hot, sensitive guys who knew how to cook.

Apparently, this isn’t the case. Or, at least, it’s not the case in Brooklyn. Now, let me tell you something. Kiri is drop dead gorgeous. And she, at that time, was working an enviable job at Forbes magazine. She was quite the catch by anyone’s standards.

Yet, the guys she dated were just, in a word, ugh. Slimy. Upsetting. Sorry excuses for men is what they were.

Kiri somehow found every sorry excuse for a man in New York, and she dated every single one of them.

I’m not going to spoil the ending. I will only say that she did learn a few things about herself and about men during that year.

And I’m going to say this: thank God I’m married.

I’m going to make my husband a happy man tonight. How about you?

Next up in the Marriage Books You’ll Love series: Fits, Starts and Matters of the Heart.

Note: At 2 pm EST Tuesday Dec. 7th, I’ll be on FoxNews.com Live with Courtney Friel to talk about Project: Happily Ever After.

There’s still time to enter the Fabulous PHEA Giveaway! Be entered to win a Kindle, a stay at a B&B, marriage counseling, a vibrator and more with proof of purchase of Project: Happily Ever After.

Learn more about Project: Happily Ever After. Watch the trailer and get a sneak preview into the book.

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HAPPINESS ADVICE

How to Have All the Money In the World

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A Book Review Of Sorts

Recently some of my friends were revealing their fantasies. One admitted that, in her mind, she sometimes marries a wealthy man who pays all her bills and takes her on trips around the world.

We all chimed in about how nice that would be. Then, perhaps to make ourselves feel better, the conversation turned to a belief that rich people are no happier than the poor. If anything, we all said, they are more tortured.

And soon we were all talking about various rich people we knew who were miserable.

I’m sure you’ve had a similar conversation at some point in your life.

At any rate, I find it all very interesting to think about. Does money really lead to happiness? Or does it merely lead to more anxiety? And what exactly is “rich” to begin with? To someone in a third world country who eats only three meals a week, every single person reading this blog is rich. Yet I’m guessing that 99 percent of the people who read this blog don’t think of themselves as rich. When they hear the word “rich,” they think of someone else—someone with a bigger house, more expensive car, and niftier doodads.

Buddhists tell me that the more worldly possessions you have, the more you have to worry about. This thinking goes like this: If you don’t have a house, then you have just one problem: no house. Once you own a house, then you have several problems: the fear of losing your house, the fear of someone breaking into your house, the fear of your house burning down, the fear of appliances breaking, the fear of your roof leaking, the fear of or tornado, the fear of your house not being clean enough, and the fear of frozen cheese. (More later on frozen cheese.)

In general, I believe this.

That’s why, whenever my daughter tells me that she must have a certain toy in order to be happy, my response is, “Getting what you want won’t make you happy. The only way to be happy is to not want anything.”

She often rolls her eyes when I say that.

Still, even though I believe that letting go and not wanting are the true keys to happiness, I will admit that I, too, carry around a wealth fantasy. For mine, one of my books sells millions of copies. With the windfall, I pay off my house, buy a new refrigerator, pay someone to landscape our yard, travel around the world with my daughter every summer, buy many pairs of new socks (all of mine have holes in them at the moment), and get a massage every week. I’d give away a lot of it to various people and charities, too. And, I’d also do something to leave a lasting good mark on the world. Like, for instance, I’d build and run a state-of-the-art dog shelter.

It makes me wonder: if money doesn’t buy happiness, why do so many people have get-rich fantasies?

It’s for this reason that I found Laura Vanderkam’s new book All the Money in the World such a fascinating read. In it, Vanderkam uses statistics, psychology, science and logic to turn many of our dear beliefs about money upside down. For instance, in the beginning of the book, she challenges that we all have more money than we think we do. Problem is, we’re earning it and spending it in ways that don’t necessarily lead to happiness.

Keeping up with the Joneses, wearing expensive jewelry and buying bigger and bigger houses don’t lead to happiness, she says.

What does? Experiences and giving.

I don’t think too many of you will argue with me on this. I think most of us know, at least on some level, that material items are empty. Houses, cars, designer handbags, and topiary don’t make us happy, at least not for long. Most of life’s most blissful moments arise from the simple pleasure of doing something we love with people we love. The rest of the blissful moments tend to arise when we’ve helped someone else find happiness.

And yet it’s not that simple, is it?

That’s why I asked Laura a few questions.

Q: The Buddhists tell me that money, especially the strong attachment to it, leads to unhappiness. Have you found this philosophy to be true?

Laura: I think it depends. Sometimes money causes more problems, but sometimes a lack of money can cause the exact same problem multiplier, just in reverse. Not having a car means you can’t take a better job farther away. Not taking that job means you can’t get out of debt, so money that could go to signing your kids up for camp is going to interest. I think problems are universal. The human condition is not to live in a state of bliss, but the problems that come from more money are generally preferable to those that come from less.

 Q: I was fascinated by your section about giving–and particularly that giving away money is one of the few ways that money truly leads to happiness. So let’s say I have a windfall of $3,000. Are you saying that I’ll feel happier if I give some or most of it to others than I will be if I buy a top of the line refrigerator that has an ice cube maker that actually works and a meat compartment that doesn’t freeze the cheese? (Just in case it’s not clear, my current ice maker is broken and the only cheese to be had in this house is frozen, but not on purpose).

Laura: If your refrigerator is causing you so much stress and unhappiness that it has risen to the top of the list of things you’d spend money on, then by all means, replace it if you can. Maybe you could think of it as a present to your husband. Then you’d get the psychological benefit of having spent the money on someone else. But you’d still get your fridge.

 Q: I’ve found, over the years, that I don’t always feel good about giving. For instance, when organizations put me on a spam list and beg and beg for the money until they wear me down and get me to write a check mostly just so they will go away, I don’t feel good. When people come to my door and stand and stare at me until I feel guilty and write them a check, I don’t feel good. In these situations, I feel coerced. Okay, no, I feel robbed. How does someone who values generosity find a way to give without feeling negative about it?

Laura: I agree that coerced giving doesn’t feel good. It’s important to give mindfully. So have a strategy ahead of time. Think through the causes that matter to you, and identify an organization you support where you can also volunteer. Give generously there. Then tell everyone else, honestly, that you’ve already made your charitable commitments.

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MARRIAGE ADVICE, SEX ADVICE

How to Break a Porn Habit

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A Post Where You Get to Help A Fellow Reader Out

When I asked you all about your most vexing marital problems, AmyB commented:

“Internet Pornography is a constant struggle. I’m not against sexual experimentation or even masturbation. I’m not even against other ‘consenting” adults using responsible pornography if they like it and it helps their sex lives, BUT I feel that in MY relationship I want my partner to direct his sexual tension and arousal to me, his very open sexual partner, not an anonymous person on a computer screen. According to him, pornography and sex with a partner are two totally different things. I still can’t help to think that it affects the dynamics of a relationship. Am I being unrealistic? Am I not allowing my partner to be independent in his choice to watch pornography? Should I respect his choice to watch pornography? He’s attempted to quit plenty of times and, at the moment, he doesn’t do it (to my knowledge). Still I know it’s a big struggle for him and I know that if he had the house to himself, he’d probably do it. What’s worse, I can’t do anything to help him.”

Porn is one of those issues that tends to polarize people, so I’d like to attempt what might be impossible: a civil discussion about it. Here are the rules for commentating:

  •  No name-calling. I will delete any insults without a warning.
  • Definitely state your view. If you think it’s wrong, say it. If you think it’s a divine gift, say it. But DON’T attack someone else for not agreeing with your opinion.
  • If you try to comment and can’t, let me know. I’m still trying to fix what’s wrong with the commenting area on this site.

Got it?

I’ll start. My views on porn fall somewhere in the middle. It doesn’t offend me. I’ve watched it on occasion with my husband. It can be the spark that gets the mood started. All of that said, I think of porn much as I think of fast food. For me, fast food might be okay in a pinch—like when I’m on the New York Thruway at 3 am and seriously too hungry to go on. It’s not how I want to meet my daily hunger needs.

Similarly, with porn, it might work for a couple if it’s one trick in their arsenal of ways they get in the mood—and especially on those rare occasions when they are just too fatigued to come up with something better. But if it becomes a crutch–something you need everyday to feel happy, satisfied or in the mood—then it’s not healthy.

Because I didn’t feel completely qualified to tackle this topic, I also asked Stu Gray, who pens the Stupendous Marriage blog for insight. What follows are my questions and his answers.

Me: I imagine, like alcohol, some people can partake in porn and have it be a somewhat harmless pastime, whereas others get addicted and do much harm to themselves and their families. Do you agree with this? Or, after your experiences, do you feel there is nothing that is ever harmless about it?

Stu: I think from a scientific standpoint, that’s probably true. Some people are wired to be more prone to be addicted to alcohol, or drugs, or sex or food, and others don’t seem to be addicted to the ‘biggies’ that classify as addiction in our culture. The thing we can’t control is when the brain makes that click from “Its a harmless past time” to “I gotta have it all the time”. It’s a dangerous game to play especially with your brain and with sex. I heard it said once that “we aren’t born with an alcohol drive but we ARE born with a sex drive.” The drive that can be so good can end up driving us to do things that can ultimately be painful.

From a relationship standpoint, I think porn is harmful in several ways. Porn fans the flame of selfishness: She won’t give me what I want when I want it? I’ll take care of it myself.

The “me first” attitude tends to become a dominant factor. Great Marriages are made up of two people who love and give to one another. Porn rewires the brain to always be in a state of, “What can you do for me sexually?”

Porn usually leads to masturbation. Not for everyone, but for many. When you masturbate to an image other than your spouse, the sexual desire is fulfilled by someone outside your marriage. So, you have less desire to seek your spouse out for sexual connection. You also train your mind and your body to respond to images that are a false reality. So, your mind begins to think, “I want that all the time with my spouse.” Physically, if you are chronically masturbating, you begin to associate sexual release with images. This leads to a tough time in the bedroom with some people not being able to perform at all because it takes videos or images to be aroused.

Spouses feel like they can’t measure up because they don’t look like the images, and they don’t feel like the sexual fantasy you create when you “act out” with yourself.

Me: What are the signs that someone is addicted?

Stu: I think the quickest way to begin to see if someone is addicted is to ask him or her to stop. Most people who have a compulsion toward something harmful will say that they can stop anytime they want, that they just don’t choose to. So, call their bluff. Challenge them lovingly with, ‘If you can stop – do it’.

Most will begin with excuses about how it doesn’t harm anyone, that they are just having fun, or that it’s not a real problem. This type of denial is usually one indicator of an addiction. Also, if they do try to stop and can’t or begin hiding it, then they could be going down that road.

People show signs of addiction in different ways. For one addict, it could look like a need for more edgy pornography. For another it might be unhealthy adventurous sex with your spouse. For another it could be moving from images to real life sexual affairs. Or, It could look like something as simple as erasing the history in your browser because you know that it hurts your spouse when they find it.

Many times people mistake the “symptoms” for the “problem.” If someone is addicted to pornography, somewhere, at some point in time, it may have started as something fun they did when they were single. But now, it has become the “go to” when they want to escape from reality. So, the pornography itself isn’t’ the issue. It’s a heart issue. Why does this person need to escape from their current reality and look to porn to fill that need? That is the point couples need to focus on first.

Me: Beyond the obvious, what is the allure that keeps someone coming back again and again?

Stu: The allure is no consequences and no denial. If you don’t have to beg or cajole the image on the screen, that is much easier than having to negotiate a time between soccer and after the kids go to bed, or when they don’t feel like it, or some other perceived excuse to not have sex. Porn never gives an excuse to not have sex.

That’s the seduction. It’s an easy YES.

Porn makes the sexual act all about body parts and the looks of a person. Porn offers a surface look at body parts that is devoid of any type of emotional connection, which is necessary in marriage and healthy relationships. Anyone who has been married and had sex with one person for several years knows that the sex can get better as you get to know one another better. It doesn’t have as much to do with the body as it does with the connection to your spouse.

 Me: Understandably, partners can feel hurt, angry, and envious of porn. While perhaps justified, these emotions don’t lead to healing, understanding or progress. What can a spouse do to help an addicted spouse overcome the problem?

Stu: To begin with, I think it’s important to understand that your spouse’s addiction has little to do with you. You didn’t drive your spouse to pornography. Your spouse might blame you, but your spouse made these choices.

That doesn’t mean you should be harsh or condemning. Try to take emotions out of it.

It is very important for someone who is addicted to know that there are consequences for behaviors. With love, say that this behavior is not acceptable for you and your marriage. Ask if it is a problem. Ask what they get from pornography. Suggest someone with which can talk openly about it such as a counselor, pastor, or support group.

It’s likely you’ll meet resistance. Until the addict decides that he wants to change, there will be no change. So, sometimes you have to be the change. I’m not saying divorce — but perhaps a long trip to see the family (if you don’t normally do that), or a separating until you see positive steps taken (like filters on computers, accountability with other people, counseling, or some other actions toward health).

There are also groups for spouses of addicted folks. Getting into a group that is healthy (not just badmouthing addicts) can be very beneficial. Also, reading about sex and porn addiction can be eye opening. There are several authors who have written specifically for spouses of sexually addicted people. Check out work from Mark Laaser and Pat and Stefanie Carnes.

Readers: Now it’s your turn. What’s your advice? What’s your take? Remember the rules.

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