Blogging sister Julie Roads recently wrote about traits she wished she could surgically remove from her being.
About those traits? I have a lot of them: fear of failure, fear of appearing weak, fear of being a burden to others, fear of rejection, negativity, fatigue, cravings for things that are not good for me, worry, fear of other people thinking that I have lost a screw.
I could go on, but you get the idea. I’m sure you have your own list.
During the past few weeks, however, I’ve made quite a bit of progress at letting go of most of these fears. I’ve done it by blowing them out my nose.
I learned how to blow stuff out my nose during a meditation class I attended just before my vacation. It was at that class that my teacher explained the theory behind Black and White Breathing. Black and White Breathing is simple. You close your eyes. You bring your awareness to your breathing. Whenever you have a distracting thought—I’m not doing this right….Crap, I forgot to get the milk….I have so much to do tomorrow, but I don’t think I can get it all done… I hope my husband doesn’t want to have sex when I get home tonight—you mentally turn that thought into black smoke, and you blow that smoke out your nose.
Then you imagine all that is good in the world – love, peace, compassion, understanding, patience, orgasms and so on – as white light, and you inhale that light.
Now, I’ve been doing this Black and White Breathing thing for about a year, but it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I really got the point of it all. What can I say? I’m dense like that. But once I got the point, it was a huge life shift for me. I started doing it repeatedly throughout every single day. Here are some examples:
- We’re driving to the airport. Traffic comes to a standstill. We turn on the radio and find out that there is a four-car pile up and that the road is completely blocked off. My thoughts start going to the We’re-Going-to-Miss-Our-Flight-and-I’ll-Never-Get-to-Go-On-Vacation-and-If-I-Don’t-Have-A-Vacation-I-Am-Going-to-Die-From-Stress place. I breathe that thought out my nose as I say, “Whatever happens is what happens.” I breathe in my nice white light. Suddenly I could care less as to whether or not I catch my flight. (We did catch it, by the way).
- We’re in Florida and we’re on our way to a restaurant to celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday. My husband is driving. His mother is in the backseat with me. His father is in the front seat. My father in law and mother in law are backseat driving, and it’s vicious. Not a second goes by without one of them telling my husband that he’s in the wrong lane, not turning at the right place, or going the wrong way. My husband is getting more and more tense. He ignores them, so they raise their voices. I’m thinking, “Gee this is quite uncomfortable” and “well, isn’t he getting a taste of his own medicine” and “wow, now I know where he gets this from.” As the tension in the car rises, I close my eyes and breathe the tension and negativity out my nose. When we get to our destination, I hug and kiss my husband. His entire demeanor changes, and now he’s able to deal with his parents civilly.
- I’m having dinner with a group of people. An acquaintance makes an anti-Semitic remark. I’m half Jewish. People often forget this because 1) I don’t celebrate Jewish holidays 2) I practice non-Jewish religions such as Buddhism 3) I apparently don’t look Jewish. None of that makes anti-Semitism hurt any less. I think about sticking a fork in this person, but then I quickly breathe that anger out my nose. I wish I could say that I said the absolutely most perfect thing—the thing that would make this person realize that Jews are human beings just like everyone else—but I did not. Still, I’m quite proud of myself for not sticking my fork in anything that wasn’t on my plate.
- As I’ve mentioned, I’ve experienced a long siege of mildly annoying events, the most recent of which was getting the stomach flu and spending Wednesday night in the bathroom and Thursday in bed. I initially worried about a lot of things—the vomit that I got on my bathrobe, all of the work I had to do but could not get done, and how to make breakfast for my 5 year old when I could not get out of bed. I blew it all out my nose. My 5 year old not only entertained herself, but she nursed me, putting “Get Well” stickers all over my shirt and bringing me Gatorade from the fridge. My husband came home from work and not only fed her and took her to school, but also cleaned the bathroom and brought me more Gatorade. My bathrobe still has vomit on it. I’m considering tossing the thing. But everything else worked itself out, no worrying required.
Oh, things I’ve blown out my nose these past few weeks. I’ve blown away worries. I’ve blown away cattiness. I’ve blown out my envy, anger, frustration, fear and more. Now, whenever I have a negative thought of any kind, I ask myself, “Is this thought going to get me anywhere? Do I need this thought?” If the answer is, “No,” I blow it out my nose. Blowing negativity out my nose does not stop life from being a struggle. Bad things still happen. I still get sick. I still get locked out of hotel rooms. People still say hurtful things. Not everything works out as planned.
But turning such struggles into smoke and blowing that smoke out my nose helps me to stop obsessing about the things I cannot change, so I can focus on the things that I can do something about.
Try it and let me know what you think.
How do you deal with negativity? Do you have techniques for overcoming worry, fear, anger and other negative emotions? Share them here, so others can learn from your experience.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a great technique. I’m going to try it!
I love this, Alisa. It’s beautiful. I learned it when I worked at Kripalu and we called it Tung-Lin (sp?). I’m not sure if it’s the moment of awareness, the deep breath or the imagery – but it really, really works.
And, I have to say, I felt calmer just reading your post. The difference is palpable.
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..Surgically removed =-.
This is fantastic – can’t wait to put it into practice! I’ve adopted an affirmation that I repeat to myself any time I get stressed (I believe it came from Louise Hay) – “I know that life always supports me.” It helps me to trust the universe and myself that everything will be fine.
Did you make any comment to the person who made the anti-Semitic remark? I’m not Jewish, but my husband is and (except in the blogging world) I kept my maiden name. A few times I’ve been in the presence of people who have made comments, and I quite literally feel like someone has sucked all of the air out of the room. Fear and horror consume me. I’m never poised and able to say the soul uplifting comment that addresses the issue and moves the conversation to a higher level. I just make the mental note: Never have dinner with this person EVER again. And the side note: Same goes for anyone who nodded in agreement. Just wondered if you had advice for the moment post blowing it out your nose, which is excellent advice in itself.
Mrs. Levine–I have a hard time with it because everything I’ve tried in the past hasn’t worked (as far as I can tell). I’ve tried saying things (to people who say “all Jews are stingy”): “I’m Jewish. Do you think I’m stingy?” You want to guess what I get in response to that question? It’s this: “You’re not really Jewish.”
I have a grand old fantasy that I’ll be at a restaurant dinner with a bunch of people and someone will make that stingy comment. Then I secretly pay the bill. When the waiter tells everyone that I’ve picked up the check and everyone thanks me for my generosity, I say, “It’s not something you’d expect a Jew to do, is it?” But I’ve yet to do that.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that the right answer (for me) is to say, “You know, I’m Jewish and what you just said really stings.” I’ve PROMISED myself that I’m going to try that one in the future and see where it leads me. I didn’t try it this past time, though. Instead I did the “stunned into silence” look.
Having a stressful day and Julie tweeted your post link and I came here and now I feel renewed! Thanks for this great technique. Will use it for sure. Using it now, in fact. LOVE this blog.
.-= Kathy @ Parent Talk Today´s last blog ..Beware of Kids and TV Tip-Over Hazard =-.
I don’t have any techniques that I use, but I will definitely embrace this one! I would like to know if your husband has noticed a change in how you react to situations?
I’m still learning techniques. I know them logically, but have a hard time putting them into CONSISTENT practice. Deep breathing is the best invention ever for relieving anxiety for me and calming my reaction feelings. I don’t meditate, but I have done deep breathing when I have out of control thoughts pushing them away while breathing and it does help some. I’ll try this… I’ll try anything… maybe, eventually, on a consistent basis.
I’ve tried this, but I think I blow out my thoughts a little too loudly! Whenever I do it around my husband, he always asks “what’s the problem?” Maybe I need to blow a little softer and less obvious, cause I think I just sound annoyed. I’ll have to keep working on it.
I could have used this blog yesterday. My daughter was flying from LA to Dallas, TX for our visit. Murphy’s law was at work in over drive. I started worrying and stressing about 4 PM. She finally arrived and I finally got to sleep about 2 PM. But if I could have blown it all out my nose, I probably wouldn’t be so tired today.
I will try this in the future.
Thanks for the great suggestion/instructions, Alisa.
This sounds like a wonderful technique! I’ll be honest, I’m not always good at dealing with these emotions. I’m a terrible worry-wort and am often the worst-case-senerio touter. Someone has to be, right?
I’m currently taking a class in self-hypnosis that is helping me learn to let go of some of these things. I wouldn’t say that I’m a negative person, just always trying to be prepared for the worst, then plesantly suprised when things turn out for the better. Kind of backwards though, huh?
Kari–Maybe you just need to do it in another room, where he’s not around to hear your huffs and puffs? Also, one thing I didn’t mention here is that I practice most days (I’d like to say every day, but that would be a lie). I think the practice session–sitting down each morning or evening or whatever for 5 or 10 minutes and blowing negative smoke out your nose that you didn’t even know was there in the first place–is really important. It helps you do it more effectively on the spur of the moment.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.
I really like your examples. This has been one of my lifelong techniques, except my sweet mentor was a pastor’s wife who called it “Jesus breathing,” as she identified the bright goodness with the love of God.
Mostly though, I was struck by how totally ignorant I am of antisemitism in today’s world. In my 42 years, I have never, ever been around anyone who made an anti-Jewish remark, but with adopted nephews who are half Black, I have been shocked over the years to see other kinds of hatred towards people of color, and even of Christians. I guess it is just one more reminder to BE the change we wish to see. Very nice.
.-= Gina Parris´s last blog ..In Desperate Need of a Romance Rescue =-.
“Be the change we wish to see!” Like that. I have not yet tried the black & white blowing technique, although I do send white light to my daughter-in-law every night since she has endometriosis and pain with her pregnancy, but I will. What I do when mad at my husband is think twice before I let the complaint out of my mouth. Hey, I think I learned that here, too!
I think you’re right. Being brave enough to call yourself out and then calm enough to say that the comment stings is the very best you can do. It feels like what the greats would do. I think if you paid for the whole meal, then you’d get the “all Jews are rich” reaction. (Rolling my eyes. I WISH that were true!) So much better to take the stereotype down to the personal level where it does sting, and then ask the person to explain themselves. Hard to do in that moment but definitely what’s best. Thanks for your comments on that. I appreciate it.
Wow, this post has really got me thinking. If you go to my site you may notice that there is not a picture of me on the entire site. The reason for this is because I look “very Jewish” and I’m not sure if my Jewishness is something I want people to know about me on the blogosphere. Never-the-less, after reading your article I’m thinking that maybe I shouldn’t care so much. I guess I’m afraid that looking Jewish might not be “good business” in the blogosphere. What are your thoughts on this?
Ben–I think that’s a matter of us (you, me, other “closeted Jews”) inflicting antisemitism inward. The pride in who we are–as Jews, as people, as all of the other things that make us who we are– has to come from within. This is an understanding that I’ve embraced very recently. I’ve spent most of my life in the Jewish closet, not admitting my heritage to others. Now it’s something I can be proud of–among other things. And, from my personal perspective, I think Jewish men are hot, so you should definitely put your pix on there.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.
I get myself through negativity by processing the reason I have allowed my thoughts to take me to a negative place. I ask myself what produced the thought and/or what was happening prior to the thought developing. If necessary, I may even review “stacked” events that happened many hours/days before that are still resonating within me and preventing me from enjoying the present moment. As I take the time to be honest and rational, I find I can move out of the negative place fairly quickly.
Though you stated this nose business had nothing to do with bodily nose functions, I can see nothing but black snot and crusty white light. SICK!
Okay I’m FINALLY going to comment. I LOVE your blog, which is possibly narcissism at its best because I feel we could (almost) be twins (thinking-wise).
I’ve read a lot on various things and I never came in and told you how much your giving up the victory post meant to me. I wrote it down to keep at my desk and tell friends about it and intend on making it into a small art quilt to hang at my desk vs. the scribbled note on the post-it note that it currently is. It says, “I accept defeat. I hand over the victory.”. Just reading that and keeping it in mind has helped me OODLES. So. THANK YOU!
Now, with regards to the smoke thing. I read something similar years ago BUT, hehe, it was in a novel. Stephen Koontz perhaps? It was the “villian” and his meditation was out with the “bad” green smoke and in with the “good” peach smoke. I do this once in a while when I feel affected by something terribly. BUT, not all of the time. Since I’ve slowly gotten the defeat/victory thing down, I will try to add this to my repetoire of calm-down-and-let-it-go tools to my emotional well being plan.
With regards to the comment made that was anti-Semetic. I would suggest (cuz you are a big girl and can do as you like) that the next time ANYONE ever makes ANY comment that is anti-anyone, be it religion, race, nationality,etc. to SAY SOMETHING. I attended a conference years ago to heal race relations and the one thing we were told is to speak up. By not saying anything, you are AGREEING with the person. You shouldn’t feel bad saying something, they should feel ASHAMED for their comment(s)! I’ve heard things my whole life because people think they know what people are made up of (race/religion,etc.) and you can’t look at someone and know. My husband and I are both of mixed race but he looks darker and I look paler so are automatically relegated to one race or another. So, I’ve heard ALL kinds of comments in my life that were shocking to me because it was thought I was caucasian. My brother is gay. The amount of people I’ve had to stop in their tracks when they start on the subject is ridiculous. It’s not always easy to speak up and do what’s right but I urge you to do so. You aren’t the wrong one. They are. I could go on and on but this wasn’t why I originally posted and don’t want to make it just about that. I just wanted to show you some support and hopefully show you another side to it so you can see why speaking up is the “right” thing to do,
) I agree with the other person, when it’s personal, say it stings/hurts. When it’s not about you but what IS RIGHT, still speak up. I know the world in which this won’t have to happen is years away (sadly) but it won’t stop if enough people don’t speak up.
Maybe now I’m not a comment virgin anymore, I’ll comment more. No guarantees. Trust me, your giveaways are very enticing,hehe. Mind you, I’m outside of the U.S. and on MY behalf, I’m happy to pay the shipping and handling if you ever do select me to win one, hee hee.
Thanks again for letting me (and many others I’m sure) feel “normal” and that things aren’t so bad or different or wrong in my marriage, in my life, hell, in my head, and Oh! Thanks for the Seth (your boyfriend) plug. My husband and I have gotten a lot from subscribing to his blog, considering we’re both artists (and he is also a marketer as a part of his home-based design business).
They may seem like small things but I, for one, have had improvement in my life just from reading your blog. Thank you and keep up the rants and the suggestions. I’m listening,
)
Lexy
Lexy–Love you. And you are right about speaking up. It’s something I need to practice.
I love you too Alisa! Just ask my husband, hehe. I forward almost all of your e-mails to him and tell him how much you rock and that I love you and that you’re SO in my head sometimes.
As a creative individual (I used to write too, keep saying I’ll get back to it but I was juggling too many things and needed to simplify) and you work from home (as my husband does and I’m working towards doing (my job is suffocating me but currently pays the bills without fail)), I’m sure you ask yourself from time to time if this is worth it or if you should do something else. There have been posts where I said I’d come and comment and tell you how much you meant to me but, I’d get busy. Well, today I read an e-newsletter from another person I subscribe to and it was a touching kick in the pants! I live my life knowing you never know what tomorrow brings and here I was, not living the way I try to and the way I thought I was (but really wasn’t, huh?). I realized I HAD to make the effort to come and post to you today and tell you these things. I really missed you while you were gone but was happy that you were recharging your batteries. I’m glad you’re back and a part of my daily life again and even if I’m having a sh*tty day, you make me smile and think, especially some posts, you’re having a sh*ttier day,hehe, so things seem even rosier on my end.
So, to sound like a real ass kisser, thank you again.
Lexy
This is great! Well my technique is quite simple, normally when I’m not happy I will just jump down from my stair, around 10 stage, it is pretty exciting when I do that. Other than that I will just go to the entertainment park and get a seat on the roller coaster
This comment is directed toward Gina Parris, Gina we both have similiar stories. I read your comment and couldn’t help but reply. Me being 37 have had the same beliefs also. Overall great article.
Wow! This black and white breathing seemed pretty interesting. This will definitely get the stress out the system. Thanks for sharing about this one. I’m definitely gonna try this one out when things gets tough.