How to teach your man to romance you

Husbands who truly love us and have at least the IQ of golden retrievers should know what we like and what we don’t, right? They shouldn’t need a manual. We shouldn’t have to spell it out for them, right?


It’d be nice if our men intuitively knew what we wanted, but they don’t. They really don’t. Most men have no clue what women want. None. My husband certainly didn’t. Early on in our relationship, he used to communicate his desire to get busy by turning on the Playboy channel. Now, I have nothing against the Playboy channel. My husband and I used to watch it together. It was quite an education, but turning it on doesn’t equal foreplay or romance in my book. In fact, it’s the opposite and I eventually cancelled our subscription for that reason.

You can’t fault your man for brining you chocolate when you are on a low carb diet. You can’t fault him for taking you out for Mexican when, by gum, he should know already that you despise spicy food. You can’t fault him for buying you flowers when you really just want to hear the words, “I love you.”

Men are clueless. Almost all of them are. (I was going to write, “They all are,” but one or two somewhat more clairvoyant men read this blog and will send me a comment about such a statement. So let’s just say, all men are clueless except for the one or two who read this blog, and they are only clued in because they are avid blog readers). If you want romance in your life, you need to give your man the clues.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds because, if you are like me, you don’t know what you want. There! How can he know what you want if you don’t know yourself? To help figure out what you want, think about these questions:

1) Romance is the way your man shows his love for you. What words or actions make you feel adored?

2) When you watch other happy couples together, what do they have that you pine for?

3) When you watch romantic movies or read romantic books, what do the male characters do or say that makes you swoon?

4) Think back to when you were happier in your relationship. How did he romance you then?

Then, talk about it. Tell him what you want. Explain that you want to feel loved. Say that you need him to show you that he adores you. You need it because of the hard times because, sometimes, you truly don’t know whether or not he gives a damn. Write a Romance Instruction Manual, such as the one below that I wrote for my husband. Give it to him. Let him carry it around in his pocket. It just might make all the difference.

Touch me, not because you want to have sex, but because you love me. Touch the back of my arm. Touch my neck. Hold my hand. Place your palm against my upper back.

Kiss me. Kiss my cheek. Kiss my forehead. Kiss the back of my neck. Walk up to me in front of other people and kiss me on the lips, and say, “That’s just what I needed.”

Court me. Show me amazing things. Remind me to see the sunset. Marvel at the stars with me. Sit and listen to the crickets with me.

Be with me. Walk with me. Ride the tandem with me. Watch James Bond with me.

Tell me that I’m beautiful. Tell me in the morning, when my hair is a mess. Tell me when I’m dressed up. Tell me when I come into the coffee shop. Tell me just because.

Say I love you. Say it when you leave for work in the morning. Say it when you come home. Say it as we are falling asleep at night.

Surprise me. Send me small gifts, even if it’s not my birthday or Mother’s Day. Pick flowers for me. Take me somewhere unusual. Send me a card for no reason. Hide a note in my purse. Send me a text message.

Help me. When I seem tired, harried or overwhelmed, do more. Ask to help and, when I don’t suggest a way to help, help anyway. Entertain Kaarina. Empty the dishwasher. Straighten up the house. Sort the mail. Scoop the poop. Wash the dog. Make dinner.

Excite me. Encourage me to face my fears. Rekindle my sense of adventure. Help me to loosen up. Push me beyond my limits. Make me ride a roller coaster with you. Blindfold me and feed me.
Bring me on adventures. Take me to new places. Enjoy new cuisines with me. Explore the world with me.
Listen to me.

Look in my eyes.

Rub my back, neck, or shoulders without me asking.

Practice random acts of helpfulness. Let Rhodes out in the morning or put food in his bowl. Take dishes out of the sink, even if they are not yours, and put them in the washer. Put the clothes away.

130 comments… add one

  • oldie March 22, 2013, 2:24 pm

    Have you tried finding out why your man grunts about the movies? My husband is a bigger man, and hates movie theaters because of the cramped up seating. Raising 3 girls kinda made him feel he needed “man” connections and chick flicks were just to much “feminism” for him. (Now the girls are grown, he kinda enjoys chick flicks though he won’t admit it.) What are your ideas on a romantic dinner? Maybe hitting the hot dog stand at the corner of the street for lunch can be just as romantic if you have fun, such as stealing his hotdog and making him beg to get it back before you eat it all. (Just be sure he isn’t actually starving because that would make him angry if you ate it.) As far as (in his eyes) a sappy pull out my chair, quiet dinner so we can talk, do you realize that there are long table clothes in some restaraunts so you can maybe rub him in mentionable places and he may be more willing to take you out? :} Insist he take you to one of these places, and show him that it doesn’t have to be sappy. Have him taste the wine from your lips to see if he likes it before ordering. Get creative, and if he doesn’t respond to your overatures, maybe there is something more seriously wrong. My husband always said there are more fish in the sea, and I confronted him with “and have you been fishing? I haven’t, but if you like I can.” That made him think for a bit. The point is, if he isn’t interested in anyone else, or he isn’t depressed which may mean counseling, you need to force him to go have fun and show him it can be fun. And it may by your reaction to some of his wants that make a difference. We went to a zoo with the kids once and he started hollering “hey come and look at this.” I told him to let the kids take their time, and he told me, “I’m sorry but I got excited, I have never been to a zoo before either”. Boy do I feel like a heal even years later because I didn’t know enough about him.

    • jikky April 11, 2013, 3:48 am

      My question please is what should I do alternatively for my husband for him to feel really different and a lot loved ….i feel he deserves a lot more than what I do for him…..

  • Michelle April 26, 2013, 8:44 pm

    My biggest issue is that I’ve done all of that until I’m blue in the face. Our No.1 argument to this day and about once a month over the last 4 years of marriage is that I do everything for him, and I never feel like I get anything in return. I’ve given him suggestions, written them down, and still nothing. I’m not an expensive girl either, I am more of a country girl so my idea of romance is a warm blanket and a starry sky. Almost all of the things that make me swoon are free or nearly free so I know it’s not money.

    Sometimes, I just feel like I’m at my whits-end with him. He did so many romantic things before we were married, and since I haven’t had a night under the starts or a bouquet of flowers when it wasn’t my birthday, and even then sometimes I wouldn’t get much.

    Your probably wondering, “Well, how do you show him you love him?” He likes to sit his butt on the couch and watch show after show and waste the night away. I don’t necessarily like it all the time, but I understand it’s what he likes to do so I try to do it with him. Sometimes, I’ll get up in the middle of a show and bake him something yummy from scratch just so he has something to snack on. I take all of the work load of marriage onto my shoulders so that he can concentrate on his career. That means I do the housework, chores, bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. I write him love notes and leave them on his phone, or the fridge so he sees them first thing in the morning. I help him with work projects, and I always compliment him.

    The truth is, he is my world. I say that not just because technically he has treated me better than previous guys (of course, that’s not saying a whole lot…another long story there), but because I have no family (orphan), and no friends he is my everything.

    We’ve always been best friends, and I enjoyed his courtship in the beginning, but now I feel like my self-esteem is starting to fall under the lack of having romantic gestures returned. I would do anything for him…I put so much passion into our relationship cause he’s all I’ve got, but I can’t help but feel that I’m wasting my time, and he’ll never change, and I’ll always be lacking that love that I need in my life. I can’t imagine a life where I am constantly second guessing my value in my marriage, but I also can’t imagine what I’d do or where I’d go with out him.

    I read a post on facebook today that speaks to the fact that, “God never gives us more than we can handle,” and is followed by “Then God must think I’m a badass!” Story of my life!

    Anyways, I am at a loss. I don’t feel like arguing about it anymore, but I can’t live a happy marriage without it.

    Michelle from Tulsa, OK

    • Molly April 29, 2013, 6:23 pm

      I’d like to hear advice, I need it too for my similar situation!

    • jessica May 10, 2013, 3:29 pm

      My dad tells me this all the time: you have to have something other than just your husband. You have to have friends and go out and not need him every minute. Not that you do. I’m a lot like you in the fact that my husband is my everything. We just moved across the country and I had no friends in our new state, so I went on and meet some other stay at home moms, I also just got a gym membership and have been working on myself a lot. I think if you make yourself less available and less dependent on him for your happiness it will wake him up and make him see what a catch you are! My husband would jump up and down like a little kid if I made him treats mid tv show! Lol. It will boost your self esteem too, to find meaning in yourself and not just search for it in your husband. It will also put less stress on your relationship so you guys can just relax, and you’ll also have more to talk about. I wish you luck :) don’t give up, love is worth the work :)

      • Pearl January 21, 2016, 3:11 pm

        Thanks so much for this words of encouragement ment. You don’t know what you just did with this mind blowing advice. Bless you

    • JEN June 11, 2013, 8:28 am

      girl i feel you. we got the same dillema. and i’ve been planning to leave him a couple of times mainly because it makes me feel down everytime im trying to please him, do things for him but in return it will end up in a heated arguement. and damn im already worn out.

      • leanna November 13, 2013, 7:26 pm

        That’s a great idea.

      • Sheila August 16, 2016, 8:41 am

        I so can understand all about the heated arguments When all you want is him to be the passionate understanding one He was when you first got together!! I can relate with you!! I’m tired of being told to leave!!

    • mary July 8, 2013, 3:47 pm


      Reading your post was chilling because I have the EXACT same problem. We’ve only been married 3 years (next week) and I’ve talked to him and TOLD him what I want, what I need, in the nicest way, til I was blue in the face. He seems to listen and says okay, that he’ll try hard to work on that but then nothing is done about it.
      I don’t know what else to do…Divorce is NOT an option for me as I am a strong believer in marriage and he is a great person with a great heart. He just sucks at being romantic (before marriage he was more physically and verbally affectionate) ..not to sound conceited but I’m a very pretty woman and at times when I meet up in public w/ him and go to give him a kiss hello, its almost like hes embarrassed and doesnt want to kiss me in front of others. I’m talking a peck, not a makeout session.
      Does anyone have any other ideas for what I can do? I’ve tried being everything and doing everything…I know I’m doing my part. I feel more like a friend than an adored wife.

      • Sheila August 16, 2016, 9:00 am

        I’m in the same boat next week will be 25 years together!! I feel like a roommate in charge of all the responsibilities While he just goes to work and comes home to his dinner & TV constantly I’m not exaggerating either!! It doesn’t matter what time of the year there is always something on his TV..He for now 6 years has slept in the living room as he wont go to bed at 10:30 like he always did for years!! He falls asleep not even 15 minutes after I go to bed..You can’t suggest him to go to bed and get his rest as I’m told I’m not his mother!! Since his parents death he has been mentally abusive! Which he never had been before!! I’ve worked so hard to keep this marriage together..The harder I work the less he does it seems..If you have any advice would love to hear it! I’ve already gotten myself into so many projects to not complain about his tv time! lol that did was make him in one room of the home and me in all 3 of the other rooms..As U have a sewing room/office..A art room / Guinea pigs room..The other bedroom I turned into my reborn’s nursery!! I have my bedroom all to myself!! I have the kitchen as that is every women’s domain it seems…He ha the living room!!! Stacked up the arm of his chair with papers and a huge TV I made the mistake of buying him for Father’s Day in 2011…So as far as entertaining myself been their done that!! I don’t want all his time! I just want sone of it!! He wants me to take a bath and wait till he’s ready to go to bed to have sex Although I have to let him know when He never starts it in anyway!! Then I get all dolled up and sit in the chair next to him with no compliment on how I look no attention what so ever..Then and only when he’s done watching whatever he will go to bed usually after I’ve spent 2 hours sitting their and get ticked off and go change my clothes as I’m no longer in the mood!! I just sit their feeing like I’m not even there in his eyes!! Help from anyone would be nice! The 19th will be our Wedding Anniversary with us being together a total of 25 years It tears my heart out to see what has become of our marriage I guess due to my disability I’ve tried since 2013 to make up for it!! It wasn’t my fault..At my wits end here..Just want to be noticed held, loved!! GOODLUCK to you too!! Praying yours has gotten better since you wrote this??

    • Yahaira October 26, 2013, 1:52 am

      Stop doing what you do for him; for one day or two, he’ll be very surprised and ask you what’s wrong, in return you can tell him you don’t feel loved or you miss those old days you used to have with him.. and I guarantee you he will do something nice for you;)

      I know from experience

      • Sheila August 16, 2016, 9:05 am

        Hun, Count yourself lucky if that’s all it took! I’ve pulled that so many times and it never works!! I just get in a fight because he didn’t get dinner or whatever it was I didn’t do! More peaceful just doing it!!

    • Mandatoryink March 10, 2014, 11:53 am

      I just want to comment on the ” God never gives us more then we can handle” comment. I see it so much and it is not true. It does not say that any where in the bible. This is a prime example of humans confusing things so easily. The saying goes ” THROUGH GOD, all things are possible.” God never expects us to do anything alone, but to walk with him every step of the way so he can help us with the difficult and seemingly impossible.

      • Nevermore December 8, 2014, 5:19 am

        There are many things in the Bible people misinterpret, you can draw two opposite things from this book if you want to – so just relax, ok? Don’t let faith blind you – follow it with your eyes and mind wide open, not shut. What does it matter to you if a saying helps people find some comfort? Besides, perhaps no one is talking about x-tian god here. There are other religions too, also just generally referring “god” to “fate”, “universe”, etc.

      • Amdrea June 22, 2016, 11:17 pm

        Actually it does say in the Quran that God will never put a burden on a person greater than they can bear. And He also tells us the words we can say asking for such “Our Lord, put not upon us a burden greater than we can bear”. Beautiful words. Just like Adam and Eve equally were deceived by Satan by eating from the forbidden tree. And God taught them the words to say to ask for forgiveness, “Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if You forgive us not, nor have mercy upon us, we will surely be amongst the losers”. And God forgave them. He is a merciful, and loving and forgiving God. All you have do so is ask God directly, through no intercessors, and He will answer. And when in say God, I mean the Creator of all that exists, to Whom we will all return to when we die.

    • Marsha October 8, 2014, 9:17 pm

      Dear Michelle,

      The problem is not your husband. I believe you do not love yourself enough and you define yourself inside your marriage. Instead of all the times that you put for your husband, do something for yourself. Something that reminds you that you love yourself. Sign up for a yoga/painting/charity class you always wanted or go for a massage. Change you hair style or even try school again. Do something for yourself which gives you more self-esteem. You are a worthy girl not a lonely one. If you love yourself more your husband’ll act more affectionate too.

      • liz June 29, 2016, 12:15 am

        I’m always doing everything I can to try and keep my suppose to be boyfriend happy I do all the house work, I take our 7yr old out to play even in the heat when my son wants to go outside even though doctors have told me not to be in the heat too long cuz it makes me light headed I am a stay home mom going through disability attorneys cuz the judge does not want me working and I just got back On my meds for anxiety and seizures years ago I felt like I couldn’t get away from my boyfriend now that we live together all we do is fight, we don’t do anything together, he is always broke ( so he says ) but he always seems to find $9 to bring home an 18 pack of beer but when I ask for tampons or even a $1.50 pack of cigarettes he tells me he’s broke I had the chance to leave him and move to Jacksonville but I put my 7yr olds feelings ahead of my own I was thinking about how much it would hurt my son if I moved away from his father all his dad does is drink, he’s never passionate towards me, he’s always putting me down, he puts the blame on me every time our son gets an attitude when he doesn’t get his own way the man treats me like he wants me gone and living with the stress and headaches do nothing but cuz me to have spells ( seizures ) I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to hurt my son by leaving plus I’m afraid if I leave my son’s father and his parents will try to take me to court to have my son taken from me I lost my 1st child in my arms she died from a bad heart condition when she was only 28 days old I don’t want to lose my 7yr old son next if you have any opinions or solutions on ways to solve any of these problems please don’t be afraid to text or call me thank you ( 727-333-1511 ) I rather you text or call my phone cuz I don’t usually go on the email stuff I am not even sure what my email name and other stuff is my ex set all that up for me and I don’t even use it thank you

    • Stanley Dawson March 11, 2015, 11:56 pm

      I think it is very importand that you get some female friends. Depending on him to meet all your needs isn’t realistic. I don’t think he can do that. Also he may feel that you want him to meet all your needs and although he loves you, he may your expectations.
      I’m a guy and feel that I need to have a close guy friend before I marry a woman. I’m no expert but that’s my take. Hope it helps

    • Shannon Perry September 19, 2015, 2:00 pm

      When I read this it almost made me cry and kinda feel bad at the same time. I have always had a large family and 1 friend who I consider family where I can always go if things didn’t work out in my relationships through the years. I realize that I am very blessed for having that as many do not. But I really wanted to tell you something I recently learned even though I have been a Christian for along time I would tell people I am so alone(which is not true because there is never a moment in the day when God our father is not with us) Now I have been with my husband 10 years and I had a habit of saying he was my everything and felt like if things didn’t work out I wouldn’t want to go on ect…ect…. I am sure you have been through all these thoughts. That’s when God really showed me through different ways with lots of conformation to this that not only are we never alone but we should never put anyone or anything above God.! Our Husband’s our Children they come after God. I mean who do you think blessed us with these people in our lives anyway. Our heavenly Father of course. (Please don’t think I am a psycho Christian freak been in church most my life without most the time any real connection and seriously trying to change that now. I am just telling you what I have clearly read and learned mostly through my own bible studies) He is always with us my favorite poem is footprints in the sand if you haven’t read it I think you should look it up. Anyway the most important thing besides God being with you is that I pray that if it ever gets to the point where you feel like you would want to leave plz don’t stay put of fear God will protect you single if that’s his will and there are still good people in the world that would still want to help. You sound like you have a beautiful personality don’t let anyone abuse that ti were it disappears! Find ypu a good church home a start praying specific prayers over ypu your husband and then yall as a couple. It shows my email of u every want to talk feel free will say a prayer for yall as well. God bless Shannon

      • Sheila August 16, 2016, 9:17 am

        I would love to talk to you as I’m in her situation!! I have God with me 24/7 you’ve never been more right!! It doesn’t show your email! I’m hoping mine does show to you..I would love to talk to someone of the faith about my situation as it always helps to have a church service and that in my eyes is not the building it is 2 or more taking about Christ!!! Praying with each other!! God Bless You for being so caring and understanding!!

    • Heather February 24, 2016, 11:49 pm

      I suggest you BOTH read “The 5 Love Languages”, because it sounds like you are speaking his language but he isn’t speaking yours. It’s a very helpful book. Also, I suggest reading “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie, which challenges the notion that things “should” be a certain way when in reality, they are not; it may help you to start accepting that your husband isn’t doing the same things he used to, and that you can be happy by focusing on what he DOES do. Finally, pretty much anything by John Gottman is helpful for a relationship struggling with these issues.

      On a practical note, you cannot feel like a whole person if your life completely revolves around someone else. Your husband may need more time to focus on his career, but that doesn’t mean that none of the responsibility for the relationship falls to him. Have a discussion about dividing the daily chores more fairly and doing them together. Then, with the small amount of extra free time you have, find a hobby, something that involves other people, and make some FRIENDS! Go out once every 2 weeks or so and meet people for coffee or a “stitch & bitch” if that’s your thing; get involved in a church group or a charity. Volunteer some of your time and discover something outside your marriage that brings you fulfillment. It will refresh your sense of self and pick up your self-esteem. That in and of itself may relight the spark your husband once felt for you.

    • Sheila August 12, 2016, 12:24 pm

      Sweeiheart, You hit my situation right down to the last word!!! This hit so close to home that I cried all the way through the it!! Have you learned anything that could help me too?? Would love any and all advice..I to have tried it all!!!He just works and eats dinner & watches TV I’m always the one to ask for love!! He thinks making love is Going to work come home eat a home cooked meal fro. scratch!! He watches tv all night and I do all the house work animals etc. Them he sometimes will not sleep in the living room chair half the night Come to bed the. He thinks I’m just suppose to turn on because he showed up at 10pm in the bed!! I’m suppose to know what he wants I’m supposed to read his mind after being without love making for months on end?? Their is no one else just his TV?? Lost here!!

  • Javier May 2, 2013, 4:25 pm

    Good afternoon,
    My situation is different and I am probably one of the few men which Alisa refers to – read blogs – try very hard to understand women – and what I can do to have a better romantic relationship with my sweetheart, how to be a better lover – (loved the instructional article on “going down town” by the way).

    We both come from different marriages, my kids are in college her two girls are in H.S and I adore them and they see me as their dad, refer to me as their dad when speaking to their friends. She was married for 9 years and I was married for 24. She left her husband, kind of a verbally abusive jerk. My ex announced to me one day at dinner, in a restaurant, that she was not in love and wanted out…. I am 51 and she is 44.

    So, my sweetheart and I have been together for almost three years and we moved in together about 10 months ago.

    My issue is that I know she loves me, she does tell me from time to time, but she does not show strong feelings most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if she does love me. Other times I know that she is deeply in love with me, because she will tell me like a spontaneous “love surge” of sorts, like she has had an epiphany.

    Early in our relationship she was very lovy dovy, lots of kisses, very affectionate, always was visually that I came over, huge smile, and genuine excitement. On the days where i would spend the evening or weekends she wanted sex all of the time, lots of cuddling, hugs, inseparable. As of about a year ago, the demonstrative attention has really slowed down, for the most part, she does not kiss me, I initiate the kissing, if i did not initiate it we could probably go for a week with out a single kiss, really.

    At times, it almost feels like I am bothering her, she did refer to me a “being needy” for wanting to kiss her, this was right after we woke up and got the morning started. When she does initiate a kiss, which catches me off guard, it is wonderful and I feel very loved . Where she used to be happy to see me, now when I come home, its more of a “oh, hey what’s up” no get up and kiss me or a smile or excitement to see me. basically content to have another adult at home to whom she can vent to about her day or anything else that might be bothering her. At times it feels , from an emotional stand point, that she is the stereotypical man, aloof, not very loving, not a whole lot of attention given, except when she wants sex, in the morning; about once a week if you must know. There she wants to climax fast where I want to take time and make love, take time to enjoy each other. Its almost like she needs it and just wants to get the release then be done with the whole thing and move on to other stuff, chores laundry, etc. Again it feels like a role reversal. The stereotypical man is “let me get my release and if you don’t get yours , well possibly next time” .

    What I do to romance her:
    1) Once a month on the anniversary of when we met , I have fresh flowers delivered to her school, she is a middle school Algebra teacher. I figured, better at work because there is the whole, “oh wow you got flowers” etc., which I know ladies like. It makes a lady feel special, loved wanted and well, everyone knows that she is appreciated by her man.
    2) Just about daily, I sneak a love note in her lunch bag, or hide one in her underwear drawer, attach one on the bottle of conditioner in the shower, stick one next to her towel. Sometimes the note just says “I love you” other times I write why I love her, or how I feel when I see her. Other times my notes are a bit more risqué, and at times right down graphic –not crude – but I let her know what I would be doing if I were with her right then and there…She saves all of the notes in a special box so I know she appreciates the notes.
    3) I help out with dished without being asked, take the trash out, do the recycling, and if I have time fold the laundry, though she is quite fussy about how things are folded. I help with the shutting of our girls – both in H.S. to sports and other activities, I keep the front and back yard very tidy. I fix stuff like drains, faucets toilets and slay the occasional bug which might be terrorizing one of the girls.
    4) I tell her , all of the, time that I love her, waking up, before bed, just sitting with her watching TV. I also tell her, all of the time, how beautiful I think she is, how she excites me, etc.
    5) Random foot rubs with lotion, leg rubs if her legs hurt from running or cycling, shoulder rub if she has a head ache. If she cannot fall asleep, then I give her a foot and leg rub until she is out – say 45 minutes or so. She does tell me how much she enjoys the foot rubs and massages.
    6) We hold hands every time, grocery shopping, walking to and from the car, etc.

    So what’s the problem you ask…?
    It feels as though I have to ask permission to kiss her, and when we kiss its strictly lips only, unless she initiates a different sort of kiss. She is not very expressive and is definitely sparing with initiating a simple ” I love you Javier” but will always respond with “I love you too” . Stupidly, I’ll wait for her to say the words before I say them, and it could be all day and not a word until I say the words. The odd part is that if she texts me during the day or emails me, there are plenty of I love yous from her, sometimes even some I’d like to BE with you stuff. However, face to face it’s a different story. It feels like a role reversal. I hate the feeling of not being loved as much as I love her.

    Thoughts/ Advice. Am I just whining? Should just get over it and forget the romancing stuff?
    Thanks for reading.

    • nina May 5, 2013, 5:44 pm

      Hi,I am in relationship for almost two years and I have the same problem with my boyfriend.Sometimes I feel so neglected and ignored but deep down in my heart that he loves me although he doesn’t say it often.When I love someone,I love with all my being,but I guess that we are not all the same and that you and me have to accept that and learn how to live with it if we can’t change it.I’m just afraid that this won’t affect much our relationship on a long term.

      • Stephenie May 6, 2013, 4:22 pm

        Javier, I really think you need to talk to your lady about how you feel. It sounds like she loves you, she just isn’t good at demonstrating it and maybe doesn’t even realize that she isn’t. I’m married to a guy who sounds a lot like you and when he finally told me what was bothering him (he felt like he was doing all the work) I was stunned. I had no idea that he felt so neglected and I now try to do the things he asked me to do (like asking him about his day, kissing him hello when I see him, etc.)

      • Javier May 17, 2013, 11:14 am

        Thank you Nina, You are probably right. I do need to talk to her about how I feel. When your husband approached you, what was your initial reaction? Were you defensive or did you “take his word for it”? I am also curious to know what setting he chose to confront / express his concern to you. Casually one morning or afternoon, over dinner; was it a “honey we need to talk about something that’s been bothering me” thing? I assume that he just did not just blurt it out, then again he might of. I ask because as a person who tends to avoid confrontation, especially in my personal life3, another issue…, I tend to get tongue tied and freeze up when challenged or if my complaint / concern is met with some push back. Naturally I would expect some push back from her. As you were stunned, I would assume that she too will be stunned and will probably push back.
        I would love to know how to handle this sort of “next step”. I do want to let her know that I am feeling neglected and would like more attention. I need help from anyone advising me / coaching me on how to approach the subject and what to do if there is push back. Why do I think there may be pushback?
        A few times I have felt “brave” on the way home and ready to sit and talk with her about my feeling neglected. Every time I think it’s a good time, I get home, greet her with enthusiasm, only to get the standard one word response with a very monotone voice. I ask how her day was and it simply one word; “fine”. Sometimes I will state that she seems down or upset and ask if there is anything bothering her. The response is her two word answer; “I’m fine”. Clearly she is not fine, clearly something is bothering her; sometimes the youngest girl 13 YO, will approach me and ask “is Mommy okay?” . All I can say to her is that I think she must be tired. My gut feel is to walk up to her, get in her face and challenge her, tell her that NO she is not fine and that there is obviously something bothering her based on her demeanor. Sort of taking off my “at home hat” and put on my “work hat” and confront her as I would a vendor I am having issues with or a difficult employee I have to deal with. Then I think for second and ask myself if this is the time to start a fight or push her hard to say more than a one word or two word response. This could be very bad…
        So, I really need help from the point of view of a woman. Thanks

      • racy December 6, 2013, 3:22 pm

        nini just do the same what he does
        a taste of hs own medicine will make hm realise so he will know how it hurts

    • Mia June 23, 2013, 10:53 am

      Javier, you sound like the perfect man!

      • Maddie July 11, 2013, 12:40 am

        Javier, when I find myself getting like that, as an introverted person, it’s because I have so much on my mind and I need a break. Silence. Alone time. If she’s an introvert she may need that time to “recharge”. When we don’t get that time we tend to go aloof, distant & shell-like. That’s how I feel. It’s possible your lady has this dilemma and maybe when you see her getting that way it may be best to let her have some alone time to reset. My husband always takes offense to me needing “me time”. It’s hard to be intimate when I have so much on my mind. Just a thought :)

      • Debbie December 21, 2015, 2:28 am

        Javier, do you think she may be going through menopause? There could be a medical reason for her lack of enthusiasm.

    • cindy July 24, 2013, 8:43 pm

      I see a lot of things that you do pretty regularly. Have you ever thought about not doing things so routinely. Your wife sounds bored and I bet you are too if you think about it. Try stepping out of the box and surprising the two of you with something that gets your heart beating and your stomach butterflies going.

      • Javier August 3, 2013, 10:26 am

        Thanks ladies, all of your comments are very helpful. Maddie, I think you might be on to something about her needing time alone when she has so much on her mind. I’ve been observing her moods and she often stresses about a myriad of things, chores, what to get at the grocery store, what lessons she needs to plan for school, etc. I am trying to simply leave her alone during these times and not to take these moods as her not being interested in me. I do notice that when she is relaxed she tends to have more fun and is more jovial. Now that school is about to start,she teaches Algebra and geometry, she will surely begin to stress and bring home her day stress.
        As to the repetitiveness of what I do to romance her, I actually tried to slightly cut back a bit, kind of like an experiment. She actually made a comment on one of the “experimental days” that she did not get he love note also that I had not kissed her since the morning nor spontaneously told her I love you. So…it seems as though she likes to be romanced but at times she gets so wrapped up in the day to day nuances that she can easily shut everything off while she is in that zone. So me, her girls, everything. So space seems to be the way to manage the situation. Its sort of like inside her heart she is very much in love with me, appreciates what I do for her,etc. But when she is in a pensive state and she has lots on her mind, she projects a sort of indifference which is really no more than a deep state of thinking.
        So, it seems that I need to try and find ways to help her relax and give her mind some pause so that she can come out of that Bubble she creates for herself.

    • Heather February 25, 2016, 12:10 am

      I’m sensing that part of the issue may be the fact that you moved in together, that before when she visited you, it was an “event”, but in her home, she is not used to being emotionally demonstrative. This could be because of being married to someone who was verbally abusive, she may have ingrained it into herself to not express her emotions, good or bad, for fear of what he would say. Plus with kids in the house, she may feel more guarded, because when she would visit you, again, she could just be herself as a woman, whereas at home she has to be “Mom”. The kissing thing could be because of all of this, our it could be that she is just preoccupied with all the things that have to be done to maintain a house. The fact is that in the beginning, we all experience the surge of New Relationship Energy, and it is reinforced by frequent kissing and touch and sex and is heady and wonderful… But over time, it wanes and real life gets in the way. To keep the passion alive, sometimes we have to do less than romantic, spontaneous things, like set reminder alarms to ask ourselves if we’ve told our lover/spouse that we love them today, or make a list of ways that make them feel loved and resolve to do one of those things every day, just like a “To Do List”: pick up dry cleaning, mail bills, send naughty message to hubby, do dishes, kiss hubby when he comes home” until those things become a habit. As for her saying you are “needy”, your counterpoint to that should be that a relationship is supposed to meet the needs of BOTH people, and that all you are asking for is for her to initiate a kiss more regularly. If she has to set a reminder on her phone to tell her to kiss you, so be it! A lot of people get caught up in their daily chores that they forget to show affection to their loved one. The sex issue may be because she over-books herself and doesn’t feel like she has the time for a long, drawn out love-making session, so SCHEDULE it! Morning quicky sex whenever, but every (whatever day) night, you will BOTH commit to making love slowly and with passionate intention. It isn’t spontaneous, but it IS a solution if she feels she doesn’t have time.

    • Sheila August 16, 2016, 9:34 am

      I’m a women that has never had a lot of love in my Family even from my mother I never got I love you without first saying it!! I can say it’s not hard for me to say I love you to someone as I know how much it hurts to not hear it!! Although with that being said!! I think she’s a lot like I was when I was younger I had a hard time showing my affection as I had never had affection really shown to me! So in someways even today it can be embarrassing when I’m out on the spot with a man face to face to Show my appreciation of his affection!! I’ve learned from not being shown affection like Michelle’s message to really crave it..As I’m now 50 and realize get it now or forget it your not gonna live forever!! What I’m saying is she’s able to show you affection more so not eye eye!! So keep showing it with notes and texts as it will make her more comfortable getting use to a man treating her the way you are!! She knows she’s lucky to have you! As face it I’ve never had a man offer all that a day in my life!! So she knows!! Find a good moment and let her know how you feel about the kissing and ask are you doing something wrong? She may not notice what your feeling!! Communication is the key to any good marriage..Your also doing so much for her she may not realize she’s dumping all her issues at your feet!! Again communications is the key!! Hope this helps you take care Wish I could have you chat with my husband! Would love to know a man like you!!

  • Jason May 31, 2013, 12:47 am

    This post has some good points but as a married man reading it, it doesn’t strike true with me.

    You mention talking a about what you want and your feelings etc

    “Then, talk about it. Tell him what you want. Explain that you want to feel loved. Say that you need him to show you that he adores you. You need it because of the hard times because, sometimes, you truly don’t know whether or not he gives a damn. Write a Romance Instruction Manual, such as the one below that I wrote for my husband. Give it to him. Let him carry it around in his pocket. It just might make all the difference.”

    To be blunt, this is some very surprising advice…. Men hate ‘that talk’. When their better-halves go on (and on) about feelings and emotions and needs.

    It gets grating to say the least. Maybe your husband is an exceptional exception but I don’t know a single man who likes or responds well to that kind of talk in the long term.

    And an instruction book telling him what to do? Sounds like you’re treating your husband like a child.

    There are ways you can teach romance (written by women for women) and maybe your way worked for you but I cannot see it working for the majority of men.

    • Josephine June 2, 2013, 12:53 am

      Different strokes for different folks Jason. Sounds like you’d be more susceptible to the methods found in

      * The surrendered wife
      * How to Teach Your Husband to Love You
      * Fascinating Womanhood

      • Javier October 7, 2015, 4:43 pm

        So I’m man in a committed relationship. I wrote asking for advice about two years ago and received some good feedback. My post was sort of the opposite of what has been written by some of the women on this site. My situation is one where I do get my woman but she was not really showing any signs of appreciating my romancing.
        My point today is to respond to any man who is reading this site. Please read on because I’m giving you the secret sauce to eternal happiness in your relationship…Ok, Ok perhaps a bit overstated.
        So it’s quite simple, we as men want to fix things, its how we are wired. So if our woman asks for romance or intimacy or support or tells us about a problem she is having at work, we go on auto pilot and produce “the fix”. “You should do this or do that”, and if its intimacy then its “let’s get’er done”.
        It took me a while to get it and I do credit my mom for raising me right and talking to me about going outside of my pre-wired mode.
        So rather than finding a fix, we as men need to listen and ask questions such as “how does that make you feel?” Parrot what your woman states, not fake either, but really listen then tell her what you are hearing so she knows that you connected with her and her situation. This is, in my estimation 80% of the relationship. Just be there for her.
        Do for her what you would do for a buddy, I’ll explain. I’m a Raiders football fan and so are some of my friends. Last weekend we lost a very close game. My coworker was lamenting the loss… and what did I do? I heard him, repeated that, yes some of the calls were total BS, and repeated his feelings of disappointment in such a close game and ending up with a loss. We spoke and encouraged each other that the next game would be better and ended up upbeat about our team.
        Why can’t us guys do the same for the most important person in our life, or rather why don’t we. We are capable of empathy, we are capable of chearing someone up, we are capable of stating that “yes it will get better”, see the above example we do this all day long. Only we do that freely with our buddies but, to repeat myself, we just don’t do this with our woman, the most important person in our life.
        On romancing, think about “what would make her smile?” start there, easy step. Tell her she looks nice or smells good. She will appreciate that. But don’t just BS her. Force yourself to buy just one flower or cut one that is not bug infested from the garden and leave it for her in a glass of water next to her toothbrush in the bathroom. Don’t expect anything in return, do it because she will smile. That’s all.
        Next, look at her, look at her like and take her all in with your eyes. What does this mean? Back to football, you watch the replay and look at every detail, was the ball caught, where was the receiver’s foot?, did he have the ball in control. Or, you see the replay of a great defensive hit on the opposing team, you look at the detail, the hit, the opposing player’s look of shock as he gets hit, his body stopping and reversing direction because of the hit. Now that I’ve got you attention and your mind’s eye engaged…look at your woman, but not for sex, just to remind yourself of that she is a woman, your woman. Notice her curves, how does her hair fall against her face, how do her jeans fit? Hair cut? Different than yesterday? How does she smell when she walks past you?. Sorry ladies…if she bends forward to pick something up, notice her chest, her cleavage in her T-shirt or better yet her button down shirt. Catch a glimpse of her bra, notice the color. Again sorry ladies. I’m not being a pig, I promise.
        My point is that you picked her among all of the women you knew when you decided that she was the one. We are guys so we did not just look at her and say she has a nice smile. We were attracted to our woman. So look at her. Now that you have mastered noticing your woman, you have to treat her like you want to ask her out on a first date. Yes every day is a chance for the first date. So a post it note that tells her you love her, or write down something you noticed when you looked at her, comment on what you saw, but don’t be crude. Example; “I woke this morning and remembered how well that pair of faded jeans looked on last night you as I checked out your back side. Thanks you for being my eye candy.” Don’t expect sex, don’t be crude. This is just to let her know that you are looking at her as a woman, not your roommate, not the mother of your children, you see her as a woman. Walk past her as you look at her and ask for a hug, and give her a big old bear hug, smell her hair and if you enjoy it tell her. Expect nothing but her smile. Everything else will work itself out.
        Finally, when you do become intimate, don’t rush. If your dad did not tell you, then I’ll tell you like my dad told me. Slow and easy! We are wired for fast: (predators, must populate the earth, one of me and a bunch of females to handle before the other male steps in).- Guys, there are no predators, not for about 1 million years, there are no other guys, she chose you and she sleeps right next to you, so you win!! So… slow down and enjoy all of her, there is more to her than breasts…examine all of her and again listen to her, I’m not getting graphic here at all, but listen to her, listening will tell you when you can finally go fast. Come on guys be Men, it’s not hard, it really isn’t.
        Guys you have to make some effort here, it’s not hard, it just take one or two extra steps.

    • Nevermore December 8, 2014, 5:29 am

      Then, Jason, be so king, and give us a great advice instead of the one you just criticized – unless criticizing is all you’re good at…

    • Sheila August 16, 2016, 9:44 am

      Can you explain to us How to say it any clearer than I have myself Now for almost 8 years…Is there a code to getting men to understand what you are saying and asking of them..Because my man just don’t hear what I’m asking at all!! He just starts a fight rather than hear what I’m truly saying to him..Would love a mans point of view!! Specially if you are what my husband calls a mans man…I’ve tried everything and still willing to learn!! I’ve never known how to have to teach a man romance!! So that was the reason I ended up here!! My husband has never been a romantic in the first place I know this!! Although he use to know how to make me happy and not live with a tv 24/7 including sleeping with it..I’ve told him how it makes me feel it turns into a argument!! How I’m downing degrading him!! He can’t hear what I’m saying it turns into all about him??? Every time, then I walk away with no answers to what I tried to express to him of why I feel so alone in this house!! Other than with God of course for if it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be here still..Take care

  • Maya June 6, 2013, 3:49 am

    I have been married since 2 years.. my husband never told me ‘I love you’. I have asked him before mariage and he was not interested. Now i dont ask him to say me these words.. he doesnt like to go for any tour with me.. he says it will be boring if only we both are going…so always waiting for some one to come with us.. and it never happened in our life..

  • China September 16, 2013, 9:49 pm

    I been having this issue for years been with my husband 8 years been married 2 Im really just tired of waiting on him to change when I suggest romantic thing he could do for me he walks away I often wonder if I love him more than he loves me it sometimes feel like Im in this realationship alone we dont kiss unless I initiate it no hugs no I love you unless I say it first he is a mechanic and the only time we conversate is if he is venting about his jobbut if Im going through something I dont get his attention Im just so tired of feeling unloved maybe its time to move on you cant change someone they have to want to change

  • teemah September 24, 2013, 1:27 am

    i wish i can do it

  • Erin October 25, 2013, 7:23 pm

    To all of you not getting the love and attention you want…The only way, and I genuinely mean this, is to detach from that need and focus on yourself for a while. Take a class, get a hobby, start exercising, most importantly-make friends and spend time with them (but don’t talk bad about your partner because it will bite you in the ass later when you want them to like and befriend your partner) Become someone that your partner finds interesting. Become someone that you find interesting. Stop demanding- nothing makes someone want to do anything less than someone else demanding them to do it or making them feel guilty for not doing it. Dedicate at least 6 months to this. Do it for yourself…to increase your self esteem. You will find that your improved self esteem will change your life and your relationship; some people feel threatened by this; if your partners behavior doesn’t improve or gets worse, at least you know that your partner does not support you and your goals and you will have the support of friends and the new found confidence to leave. No matter the outcome, forward movement is better than stagnation. Last but not least, don’t do anything you wouldn’t feel comfortable with your partner doing.

  • CYNDI April 23, 2014, 2:21 pm

    this stuff is soo cool, just wish my husband could com across it online

    • Sheila August 16, 2016, 10:15 am

      I’ve went as far as coping it and pasting it in a text with a note above it from myself…It is making a difference when he sees this isn’t just me talking about it!! I just sent him what Javier had written since he lives breathes his male co workers & his football I’m really hoping this one makes the difference of all of them..I copied and pasted what Michelle wrote with a note that this hit home and Made me cry!! On the 19th will be our 25yr Anniversary So you can bet if I’ve fought now for almost 8 years!! I’m really trying hard now!!! Hope this gives you some ideas..I even sent him the link to this site!! He’s not really into puters but knows his way around enough to get this information…Praying you you too!! Take care

  • helen August 3, 2014, 7:11 am

    That’s really good advice. I think doing this would generally get a man to sit up and take notice of what he’s got. I’m pretty sure that any woman who does this will quickly get the attention she craves. If it’s positive attention, your man clearly loves you. If it’s negative attention, your man is not supportive of your independence and autonomy as a woman and a re-assessment of why you are in the relationship at all is in order.

    • helen August 3, 2014, 7:13 am

      Sorry, this was supposed to be a reply to Erin’s comment above

  • chaz January 12, 2015, 11:54 pm

    My husband occasionally says you are the best but that gets old. I would like for him to go into detail what I am “best” at! The only time he touches me is when he wants sex ( which pisses me off and turns me off) I already told him that I like romantic gestures and nothing. I write him love notes but I don’t get nothing in return. I did receive a love letter / email once but nothing else. Hell he didn’t even get me a card for my birthday( we were tight on money) I wouldn’t have minded a homemade card…

  • Sara January 17, 2015, 10:47 am

    How do I slove the thing that my husband thinks since “he already got me, he doesn’t have to romantic ” I totally don’t agree with that and I have told him and he didn’t seem to care. So I am wondering if you could help me figure out a way to make him realize that a marriage needs romance. Thanks in advance.

  • Kimberley Brown January 25, 2015, 11:10 pm

    All me and my boyfriend fight about sex and attention all the time!!!!! I’m the one who always wants it. He used to be romantic and now he acts like I don’t even exist. I don’t know what happened.

  • pam February 2, 2015, 7:52 am

    My husband of 32 years had an affair. Now that hes over with that and come back home. He just don’t want anything to do with me. Ive been patient with him but its been 6 months and he still want pay me any attention. Ive tried to wear sexy cloths and always look good . How can I get him to look at me and touch me again? I love him so much hes my best friend. Aso he wants to call me bad names almost every day if I say anything to him. I try so hard to please him and help him with anything. I tell him hes doing a good job on everything. I leave sexy notes but that don’t help neither . I don’t want to loose our marriage. What can i do? Please help . Thanks depressed housewife

  • Abby March 2, 2015, 6:50 pm

    Hello, my own husband doesn’t kiss or make me arouse before having sex. But he loves and enjoys whenever I suck him. In fact he demands for it all d time. But, if I ask him to try touch me or something, he will just touch my breast for only 1min and says he’s tired… as a matter of fact I apply oil on my private part anytime we want to make love. I’m sick and tired of all dis bushit!!!! And I don’t want to have extra marital affairs, I think it’s better I quit…. i’m so sad… crying ******

  • Rosh April 15, 2015, 3:14 am

    Hello, my husband is not a romantic person. For him, he should work for his kids, sometimes he rather go out with his kids, we don’t have our bonding moment, sometimes when he has extra time he rather listen to his music. i always demand an attention from him but i got nothing, all i want is a good romance, a good conversation and i want to know if he love’s me more than i loved him, i want a life from him.

  • Chrissy May 13, 2015, 1:50 am

    My husband satisfies me for the most but there are times when I tell him that in not ready yet and he just forges on anyways. If really makes me feel neglected in those cases but the worst part of it is that he says that he will do better, and it usually is better for the first few times but then he reverts back again. It’s a pattern with him and I’m not sure how to change it.

  • Lex June 10, 2015, 1:29 am

    I’ve tried talking to my man about this. I’ve spelled it all out time and time again. I’ve cried countless tears and lost many nights sleep over this but he just doesn’t get it. :’(

  • Kira June 16, 2015, 2:25 pm

    So ive got the boyfriend who runs hot and cold with affection and is really bate minimum with romance. Hes a workaholic and always abt work.
    The times ive tried to calmly tell him what im needing/wanting from him- instead of taking it in and trying to show me. He gets offended i asked or said anything in the first place bc he thought things are fine. Then he just backs off and closes up to me for days until i act like i dont care or need it. So now it feels like i cant tell him what im needing from him bc he will just get pissed…defensive and take 2 steps back from me and the relationship. He has these moments where hes vulnerable and loving and is verbally affectionate and even romantic…,but then he backs off and just stops.
    Without a romance betwern us…it feels more like another one of his business deals…

  • Augusta August 15, 2015, 7:53 pm

    What if you told your husband and still don’t happen on lots of different occasion

  • sweets. September 23, 2015, 3:51 pm

    I read this blog post because I was looking for a more romantic way for my boyfriend to communicate with me that he wants to have sex. Just like your Playboy movie scenario, there are things he does that just turns me off. Kissing is one thing I thought would change over the years, it has not, his kissing is either a peck or a wide open mouth-full tongue down the throat action, it’s not great. How do I regain my libido after being completely turned off in a matter of minutes. I love him very much, we are very independent from each other. He tells me he loves me and I know he appreciates me. I love and hate the independence it at times. it feels like a one way street and I just don’t know how to talk with him about how I feel. I have tried to play teacher and explain everything as we do it, but that is just by far the least romantic thing I’ve ever done, and I HATE being the teacher. There are tutorials all over the internet to show anyone how to please a woman sexually. My heart says don’t get married with this hanging over my head. I want to work it all out before we get to that stage. What do I do?

    • Marnie November 15, 2015, 3:39 am

      I spent 27 years in a marriage like that. I even stopped doing all those little things like leaving notes in his lunch and telling him how wonderful he is. We tried counselling too. I gave him ideas and suggestions and I truly believe that because he thought I depended on him so very deeply I would never leave or look for better. Truth is when I left he did TRY much much more but it was so little and so very late and I was much too angry. Maybe if he didn’t feel quite so secure in your love now he might put a little effort there are men out there who are not cold assholes. Take a job and meet some friends, go out without him. But don’t wait like I did because bitterness and regent are not pretty thoughts to deal with.

      Ps: if. Your not completely satisfied before marriage, run like hell because sex is a huge issue in a relationship and men take shortcuts and slack off the longer they are with you.

  • Nadia October 6, 2015, 11:00 am

    Thank you :)
    This was just what I needed right now xxx

  • Celeste November 22, 2015, 4:19 pm

    My husband and I have been going therapy. We have been together for 17 yrs and married for 12. I never got an on knee proposal it was more like an agreement in the car. So over the lart 12 plus yrs I have just been settling because I knew that he wasn’t a romantic .that’s up until about 1 yr ago . I decided I didn’t think I go on in my marriage this way. So I am starting to ask. I have asked for a proposal and romance. My Hus and is not a cuddle without sex. And we have very little intimacy he is also not very verbal. I love complaments ,pet names etc… he feels like he is failing . I am not sure how to ask for what I want from him without hurting him.

  • Deeps February 16, 2016, 10:01 am

    I really love your way of expressing love, but my husband is always busy and doesn’t get interest as easily. even if I give the statements as above he simply ignores. He is very nice guy but he never loves to romance with me. He doesn’t know how to express feelings also. How can I reach him? :(

  • Anna June 16, 2016, 3:20 am

    I wish my husband could read this! I have told him so many times I need romance. I guess I have to live the rest of my life disappointed.


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