Husbands who truly love us and have at least the IQ of golden retrievers should know what we like and what we don’t, right? They shouldn’t need a manual. We shouldn’t have to spell it out for them, right?
Wrong.
It’d be nice if our men intuitively knew what we wanted, but they don’t. They really don’t. Most men have no clue what women want. None. My husband certainly didn’t. Early on in our relationship, he used to communicate his desire to get busy by turning on the Playboy channel. Now, I have nothing against the Playboy channel. My husband and I used to watch it together. It was quite an education, but turning it on doesn’t equal foreplay or romance in my book. In fact, it’s the opposite and I eventually cancelled our subscription for that reason.
You can’t fault your man for brining you chocolate when you are on a low carb diet. You can’t fault him for taking you out for Mexican when, by gum, he should know already that you despise spicy food. You can’t fault him for buying you flowers when you really just want to hear the words, “I love you.”
Men are clueless. Almost all of them are. (I was going to write, “They all are,” but one or two somewhat more clairvoyant men read this blog and will send me a comment about such a statement. So let’s just say, all men are clueless except for the one or two who read this blog, and they are only clued in because they are avid blog readers). If you want romance in your life, you need to give your man the clues.
This isn’t as easy as it sounds because, if you are like me, you don’t know what you want. There! How can he know what you want if you don’t know yourself? To help figure out what you want, think about these questions:
1) Romance is the way your man shows his love for you. What words or actions make you feel adored?
2) When you watch other happy couples together, what do they have that you pine for?
3) When you watch romantic movies or read romantic books, what do the male characters do or say that makes you swoon?
4) Think back to when you were happier in your relationship. How did he romance you then?
Then, talk about it. Tell him what you want. Explain that you want to feel loved. Say that you need him to show you that he adores you. You need it because of the hard times because, sometimes, you truly don’t know whether or not he gives a damn. Write a Romance Instruction Manual, such as the one below that I wrote for my husband. Give it to him. Let him carry it around in his pocket. It just might make all the difference.
Touch me, not because you want to have sex, but because you love me. Touch the back of my arm. Touch my neck. Hold my hand. Place your palm against my upper back.
Kiss me. Kiss my cheek. Kiss my forehead. Kiss the back of my neck. Walk up to me in front of other people and kiss me on the lips, and say, “That’s just what I needed.”
Court me. Show me amazing things. Remind me to see the sunset. Marvel at the stars with me. Sit and listen to the crickets with me.
Be with me. Walk with me. Ride the tandem with me. Watch James Bond with me.
Tell me that I’m beautiful. Tell me in the morning, when my hair is a mess. Tell me when I’m dressed up. Tell me when I come into the coffee shop. Tell me just because.
Say I love you. Say it when you leave for work in the morning. Say it when you come home. Say it as we are falling asleep at night.
Surprise me. Send me small gifts, even if it’s not my birthday or Mother’s Day. Pick flowers for me. Take me somewhere unusual. Send me a card for no reason. Hide a note in my purse. Send me a text message.
Help me. When I seem tired, harried or overwhelmed, do more. Ask to help and, when I don’t suggest a way to help, help anyway. Entertain Kaarina. Empty the dishwasher. Straighten up the house. Sort the mail. Scoop the poop. Wash the dog. Make dinner.
Excite me. Encourage me to face my fears. Rekindle my sense of adventure. Help me to loosen up. Push me beyond my limits. Make me ride a roller coaster with you. Blindfold me and feed me.
Bring me on adventures. Take me to new places. Enjoy new cuisines with me. Explore the world with me.
Listen to me.
Look in my eyes.
Rub my back, neck, or shoulders without me asking.
Practice random acts of helpfulness. Let Rhodes out in the morning or put food in his bowl. Take dishes out of the sink, even if they are not yours, and put them in the washer. Put the clothes away.
Copyright 2008 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Here are some tips to keep your dog well behaved:
1.You’ve to start training your dog as early as possible
2,Be firm but gentle when you train your dog
3,By observing the behavior of your dog inside the house you’ll realize how it will respond outside
4.You should not lose your temper
5.Timing is always important especially when you’re correcting your dog
Nice ONE SIDED article!
Ever heard of Quid Pro Quo?
Ever heard of Be the change you want to see in the world?
Maybe it’s just a question of material that somehow didn’t make into the article, or maybe you just wanted to write an article YESsing your readers without making too much noise.
How about standing up from the crown and write something more useful like what to do for your Husband, and if you feel shortchanged and not reciprocated dump him right there and then?
See ya!
my partner DOES know.
he just doesn’t trust his own judgement.
but if i tell him i know he knows long enough.
he always ends up doing exactly what i wanted.
because he knows.
Larry, you have missed the point.
May I suggest changing the name of your article. Simply “telling” your husband what you want is far from “teaching” him anything. I’ve told my husband what I want. I’ve made lists for him. I’ve tried asking him, even begging him to do romantic things. I’ve tried and tried and tried with no luck. He just does not get it that I need romance, no matter how much I tell him I need it. If you have any ideas on how to teach a man to be romantic, I’d love to hear it.
my boyfriend used to be so romantic but its all changed. when Ive mentioned it the reply was “all relationships go like this!” which made me think there,s no hope! he doesnt want to change, I cant believe I,m writing this now, as it seemed so great in the begining! But its quite reasuring to realize that I,m not alone in feeling like this. But I cant help wondering if its the start of the end?!
Another great article. I really enjoy reading your posts and tweets. They put a smile on my face and make me feel like there are others out there who understand the daily annoyances in marriage (oh yeah, and joys). Thanks for the tips. I will have to give them a try.
And what do you do when you have tried all this, and the answer that you get is “this is the way I am, if you don’t like the way I am, too bad?”
I think it might be time for an intervention then. “This is just the way I am” does not make a happy marriage. You can come back and mention all of that ways you modify yourself (I’m sure there are plenty) in order to help him feel happy in marriage, which may even include taking one of the team and having sex when you are not really in the mood. Explain that romance is how you feel loved and that it’s important to you. Does he want you to be happy with him and to feel loved? Or would he rather you lusted after other men who are more flirtatious and better at romance? It’s his choice.
Don’t ever threaten him with chasing after other men. What if he said that to you? My husband said the same thing to me once, “I am not romantic and this is how I am.”. I actually started to make a bigger effort to say little things to him about the things he was doing RIGHT to build up confidence in his ability to make me happy. This could be anything – the way he works hard to provide for me, the way he never complains about picking up groceries on his way home. Since then he has made a visible effort to do some of what I want because he is feeling more sure that it is not an impossible task to make me happy and that I do actually like the person he is.
wow this article is everything iv’e ever asked of him.He says i should go find the man im comparing him too.But is he really so blind to not see that once was him.
Just telling men doesn’t necessarily work. And I’m not sure how fair it is, either. I mean, if a partner came up to me to ask me to change my romantic/whatever approach, I may feel uncomfortable doing that if the specific things he asks for annoy me, for example. And how great is it to receive forced affection and so on anyway? If everytime person does X because I asked and the person ends up feeling uncomfortable or resentful, shi*’s gonna hit the fan.
I think, and not that I’m right in general, that it’s better to try and, yes, tell your partner what you need. If you partner needs to be constantly reminded and the issue bothers you enough to bring you grief, it’s time to stop settling and move on. Often really hard, of course, but ultimately worthwhile.
my husband is all n more i could ask for! of course with any marriage it hits its rocky stages, but my husband is alway trying for me and our family! we do all of the things suggested above and they do work. i think the woman reading this know whats being said they just need a little advice to get it out. and dont be pushy. be loving when you say these things to your husband, and he’ll get you so much more!
“Michelle Says: April 24th, 2009 at 5:14 pm May I suggest changing the name of your article. Simply “telling” your husband what you want is far from “teaching” him anything. I’ve told my husband what I want. I’ve made lists for him. I’ve tried asking him, even begging him to do romantic things. I’ve tried and tried and tried with no luck. He just does not get it that I need romance, no matter how much I tell him I need it. If you have any ideas on how to teach a man to be romantic, I’d love to hear it.”
I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY AS MICHELLE! I have asked, listed, cried that I need all these things that you wrote and my husband’s answer is “oh yes I would love to do those things, I will change that right now, from now on I will do that” and then NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!!! Did I marry the wrong person? There has to be someone out there that would love me this way. I feel unfulfilled, unloved, and ignored on a daily basis.
I’m from south Africa and love these blogs. Although we have a wonderfull marriage, we sometimes go through really tough stages. Personally I do not like telling him what to do as then it is forced…and you want your husband to do these things out of thier own free will, dont you?
I really agree with Larry. My husband went through a really stressfull time, completely shutting me out. You can imagine what that did to me! Finally I decided that I’ll just go ahead and show him how much I love him…I started doing candle light dinners and putting notes in his lunch box. Tickling his back without asking it in return….etc etc…lets not get into the details, and guess what….it worked. We are closer emotionally and physically than what we have been in years….and there is no rules…just being completely comfortable with each other!
Great effort to put them altogether.
A part of me can understand what some people are saying about affection being “forced” if you have to tell your husband what you want and like, especially more than once. But that’s usually just part of a committed sexual relationship. You tell your partner what makes you feel sexy, what turns you on, what gets you off…and for women part of that is the stuff that leads up to being intimate. For men it’s other things. I would hope that if my husband needs more “romancing” somehow, that he’d tell me. It may be something like “It makes me hot when you cheer me on at my softball game” or that sometimes he’d like a whole day without chores, but the idea is the same. I would consciously be doing things that would pave the way for sex. Of course you have to tell them more than once over the course of your relationship – people forget things, fall into routines, etc.
Now if you’ve told your husband repeatedly, begged for changes, etc, and nothing has changed….then there may be another problem that needs to be addressed. And if there’s nothing major wrong, maybe you need to list all the things you do and change for him for sex…like “That lingerie you love is uncomfortable but I wear it because I know you like it and once you see it, it won’t be on long.” Or be very specific about how much better your sex life would be if you were romanced…tell him all the things you’d feel more confident doing if he showed you how adored you are. Better, hotter sex is a great incentive.
Maybe you’re partner shows love and affection differently than you do and you both need to learn to appreciate those little shows of affection from each other. Like my husband is a doer/quality timer and I am a toucher. He doesn’t doesn’t naturally hold hands or snuggle. At first I felt all “the only time you touch me is when you want sex” and I felt used. But then I realized that he does most of the chores, WANTS to spend more time with me than any of his friends, is quick to pick up dinner when I’ve had a rough day, etc. I finally realized that the effort he puts into our relationship can be romantic, too. And when I need a good hug or handhold, I just tell him and then curl up next to him. He’ll snuggle when he knows it’s what I need.
My husband and I are culturally different. He’s from Great Britian (and white) and I’m from Maryland (and black). I try hinting and sometimes it works. I mentioned the Pinesol commercial once. Days later, he was all set up romantically for me – just like the commercial with the rose petals and clean house. Other times it goes in one ear and out the other. I give him what he wants. The dressed up costume lovin, then he later notices I didn’t get what I wanted in a while so he tries to give it up for me. It works that way.
The thing I miss the most is conversation. I don’t mind cleaning up as long as he doesn’t dirty up again right after. I do mind if the only dialouge in the house is on T.V. I started a book club to get the stimulating conversation back I missed. I reminded him of our beginning and the hours spent just conversing about current events, art, dreams, family, and movies. We barely talk about anything just for the hell of it now. Its all something important. I wish I could have that again.
Men need us to spell out what we think, wish, fear, dream, etc. Let me share a winning recipe with you. Provide information. Every time you read in a romantic book something that makes you swoon, make sure he reads it too. Men need information they can’t figure out by themselves.
Lilly´s last [type] ..CORIN TELLADO- LA DAMA DE LA NOVELA ROMANTICA
What about when your wife is not romantic? I have tried virtually everything I have ever read in both women’s magazines, men’s magazine’s, and books to be romantic with my wife, but she seldom responds in kind. She freely admits that she is not sentimental, whereas I still have almost every card and note she ever gave me, and they are on my desk at work. I think that the greatest gift I can give to her is simply time alone. However, it never seems to be enough time for her. Despite working full time, I do most of the household chores. I am with our 4 (soon to be 5) year old boy for more waking hours than she is during the course of any given week.
I, on the other hand, want to spend time with her. Even just sitting on the sofa together to watch TV or a movie. But I also would like to make love on a regular basis. We haven’t had sex for almost six months. As comedian Ron White stated, “I’m a pretty good dog, but you have to pet me once in a while.” She is on anti-depressant medication, and I know that most if not all of those types of medications can wreak havoc on a person’s sex drive. But I think that argument only goes so far.
How can I get her to be romantic? How can I increase her sex drive? What else can I do?
Help!!!
to Eric:
Ask her to talk with her doctor about changing medicine. There are antidepressant choices that will not decrease her libido so much. Birth control choices like the pill over time can have an effect on hormones in women that also cause lowered sex drive. If things have not always been as they are now then there may be a simple solution to the problems you are having.
I am SO direct with my husband but he insists he’s just “not romantic.”. I have been asking him to write me a love letter for 5 years and every time he just laughs. I’m not sure what else to do because he just ignores my very direct requests.
If I found this article, its because I was looking for a solution to my little Problem with my Boyfriend (7 months long distance Relationship) or just see if I’m the only one “suffering” and surprise surprise!!!, I’m not the only woman on earth who misses the romance in a mans behavior!!
There are plenty of posts and blogs about this subject and this one is the best….It gave me new tips even tho I tried them in different ways before.
Few months ago I made him a List of 101 things I love about him.
It took me may be 30 minutes to write the list but it seems to take him ages to understand and apply what I indirectly want him to change about himself.
I wrote him things that praises him but at the same time i want him to do or keep doing.
Here are few examples:
1. I love how helpful you are
1. I love it when we wake up in the morning and tell me: “I’ll make you Coffee”
1. I love it when you cook for me
1. I love it when you see an old funny couple and you tell me that it could be us in 50 years
1. I love it when you come back home from somewhere and kiss me first.
1. I love it when you do work at the house
etc….
When I gave him the list, his answer was :” Uh ! 101 !!! that’s a f****ing long list!! ”
I just smiled and told him that its just a little help in case I “complain” again.
I must admit, he used the list few days after the delivery….but it stopped…
Last week, we talked again about romance and he told me that he is not used to be romantic or show feelings and that’s the way he is. That annoys me the most, because he doesn’t make any effort…May be because i forgive him more that I should….but I don’t want to ruin this relationship just because he doesn’t show me his feeling the way I want.
When we meet (once per month) he is great!! but once we are apart…he goes back to his unwanted behavior and it makes me forget the nice moments we spent together….its very hard to keep in mind how great it is when we are together…I just think all the time :” why does he change when we are not together, why does he seem to be distant and busy”.
He explained me that even if he doesn’t call me every hour or texts me every minute, he thinks of me and loves me all the time….my answer was (and I’m laughing now at my own reaction) :” I CAN’T HEAR THOUGHTS OR READ MIND! I DONT WANT YOU TO CALL ME OR TEXT ME EVERY SECOND, BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO REMIND ME THAT YOU EXIST IN MY LIFE, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME IN MOMENTS I EXPECT IT THE LESS, I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL, THAT I’M NOT WITH A FICTIVE PERSON”
I really feel helpless and frustrated.
Hi,
What I did was, I told my boyfriend that I’m straving for affection and give him some tips what I like and what I miss about being touch and etc. He did improve alittle and that makes a huge differences!!! My stravation reduced. My bf isn’t romance and affection type. He told me that his father is the same way. I thought was interesting because my father is very affection person even though he isn’t romance but he’s affection.
Hope this help.
Smile!
My husband’s complaint is that I will have sex with him and then tell him it was mediocre because he didn’t romance me. My complaint is that I’ve told him what I want, but I’m not getting it. I decided to take a page from my job as a high school teacher– I set aside at least an hour once a week and show him exactly how to touch me and what to say. To keep me from trying to rush things and jump into mediocre sex, I’ve cut us both off until he gets it right (that’s some powerful motivation for us, lemme tell ya). He’s been very patient with the whole thing–he knows that mediocre sex will simply make him mad, so we might as well take our time and figure this out.
I am a romantic man. However, my wife is not. I try to do romantic things with and for her, but she does not respond to it in the way most women would. And she has not done anything romantic for me since we got married 10 years ago.
my BF is very romantic.he always loves me deeply in starvation.
I am a male, husband for 23 years with the same woman. I have tried all of the suggestions to be romantic.I have done over the top Romantic hotel rooms getaways, chocolates, walk on the beach, back rubs, rose petals on the beg with dinner cooked and hot bath waiting and even Love notes in her lunch… reaction from wife, hardly a smile or thanks. i blew up last week after i tried a weekend getaway and again no reaction. I asked her to leave, go live with her girlfriend for a few days and think hard about her feelings and try to find where her spark has gone. She came back and told me she DIDN`T LIKE or NEED ANY ROMANCE ???????????? Well i maybe strange but i need romance in a marriage and as a male i want to romance my wife it makes me feel wanted and i am making her happy What woman doesn`t like any romance in a marriage?. Was told she just sometimes went along with my plans just to make me happy, she says she does not understand or need romance….I don`t get it..What do i have to do to teach someone romance to someone who doesn`t want to be romantic? Where do the hell do i start? or why should i even care or try anymore?. We both Love each other and i know she is not cheating but i am sorry i am just so fed up and confuse more now to what women want. I have seen numerous sites such as these and repeat i have done every suggestion out there but i am hoping someone has one i have not tried, or point me somewhere i can start to teach her.
I think the issue isn’t limited to men, its about those that feel appreciated in life and those that don’t. Today is my 10 year anniversary, I didn’t want gifts, I didn’t need to go out. But a kind word or thoughtful action would have made my decade. My husband is clueless, because he doesn’t need or want these things. I’ve surprised him with candle-lit dinners to have him say (with sincerity) that he’s not hungry, and “how come the candles are here?” I’ve dressed up and tried to take him out to dinner but he hates going out… wining and dining him is simply not what he’s into, and after ten years, I get this. I HATE wii drums. I HATE the tap tap tap tapping… I HATE guitar hero and the lame click click clicking, and whilst I like rock music, three hours of Metallica makes me want to hang myself, but I will surprise him with a guitar hero drum Metallica night with his mates and I know that makes him happy. but after ten years I thought he might have bought me flowers. just once. I know he thinks they’re dumb, (cant tell the difference between a rose and a weed,) but for me, you know? because he loves me? Nope. it comes down to going out of your way, regardless of what your into, to make your spouse feel loved and appreciated. Its not about a score card, its not about who does what, its about wanting the person you love most in life to be happy and its about trying to make them smile. Or one day, they’ll be crying in front of a computer on their ten year anniversary realizing that this is as good as its ever gonna get. Is he worth it? even without romance? Absolutely. but it’d be nice to be romanced.
It’s interesting to hear all the comments about women and what their man is not or won’t do. I am glad to hear in a way that I’m not in the boat alone. I actually thought there was something wrong with me because it appeared that I have to beg for a kiss here and there. But the strangest thing is, I truly believe that men get too comfortable after they are married. If I were to take a poll out of all the responses, everyone would probably say that before being married, the men were flowers, candy, romance, touchy feely – almost to the point where you were blown away. I’ve been married for almost two years,and this man has gotten so comfortable, that I want to snatch him…LOL. or shake him up a little. I want to yell…”Man, come on, I married you and this is what I get?” I hate to watch movies where the man is so romantic (yes, it’s just a movie), but I believe men can tune into their romantic side just a little. It looks as though we women are going to have to be the teachers in this class – because our students are failing and getting a bad grade. I seriously wonder if it’s just a man thing….seriously, why do all men do the same things. As I read the responses, we women experience many of the same things. I vow to never cry another tear for wanting to be held….I think I am selling myself short. No, i’m not going to look elsewhere, but I am going to take the focus off of what I need from him, and do what I can to in other areas. Focus on completing a book project, or devote more time to outside activities. When I become too busy and don’t need his attention, then I’m sure he will wake up and realize. But as long as I am complaining about what he is not doing, he does the NOT DOING much more. So this is going to be my project for 2012, but I failed today. I needed him to hug me…today – and I had to look like a sick puppy before he got the message. STOP…tomorrow is another day. Will post again in a month. Later.
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