She hates when he initiates sex
Monday, July 13th, 2009
Q: Whenever my husband holds my hand, cuddles, or touches me in any way, I feel uncomfortable. Every time he touches me, it seems like he wants sex. I might be watching a TV program and he will start rubbing my arm, my chest, my legs, my back… whatever. I just want to watch TV! I feel like I get trapped in a sex romp whenever he touches me and now I recoil whenever he comes near me. Help!—Cold Fish.
Dear Cold Fish,
You can completely solve this problem with some communication. First, though, you need to be able to see things from his perspective. He’s trying very hard to be a good husband. He doesn’t want to come out and say, “Honey, I’ve got a boner the size of the Empire State Building and I really would like you to give me a blow job,” because he thinks that you would find that statement crude and off putting. He’s probably also read that women need a lot of foreplay to get in the mood. Holding your hand and gently rubbing your arm, chest, legs, and back? He thinks that’s foreplay.
He’s truly mystified when you turn him down because he thinks he’s doing everything right. In fact, whenever you turn him down, it bruises his ego. He thinks, “She’s not attracted to me” or “I suck in bed” or “she thinks I’m fat” (okay, that last one is probably just me projecting). In reality, all you really want is to watch Law & Order without his hand up your shirt.
To solve your problem, sit him down and have a talk. Do this during a time when he is not attempting to give you the pat down. Tell him that you crave his romantic gestures (if true). You want him to hold your hand. You want to snuggle with him as you watch TV. You even might like an ass pinch every so often (if true), but you want him to do these things because he loves you and wants you to feel good. You don’t want him to do them to communicate his desire for sex.
To help him understand why, finish this sentence:
Honey, when you touch me to communicate your desire to have sex with me, I feel________. (Examples: cheap, threatened, stressed out, like a piece of meat, under appreciated, trapped.)
Then, get solution focused. There are at least three possible solutions to your problem. They are:
Solution 1: You always initiate and he never initiates. Agree on a sexual frequency that you can both live with. This will probably be slightly more often than you are comfortable with and slightly less often than he is comfortable with. Let’s say you decide to have sex twice a week. Then two times every week, you must suggest sex. He’s never allowed to initiate with this solution. That way, whenever he touches you, you know he’s just touching you because he loves you and not because he has a boner the size of the Empire State Building.
Solution 2: You schedule sex. Agree ahead of time how often and when you will have sex. Then neither one of you initiates. You just stick to the schedule.
Solution 3: You teach him when and how to initiate sex. Give him a blueprint to follow. Maybe you want him to tell you about the size of his boner. Maybe you’d like to give him coupons that he can cash in. Maybe you’d like to take a bath together. Also, let him know about good times and bad times to do it. You might explain that you never want him to initiate when you are doing any number of things, such as watching certain TV programs, because that’s like you asking him to wash the dishes while he’s watching Monday Night Football (or whatever it is that he likes to watch without interruption).
Do you have advice for Cold Fish? Do you have additional solutions to suggest? Leave a comment.
