My favorite sex toy
Sunday, October 26th, 2008Not long ago, I got an invitation to an “instant gratification” party. It was much like a basket party, make-up party, children’s book party, Tupperware party, or Pampered Chef party that housewives have been known to throw, except for one major difference. This party’s theme involved sex toys.
It ended up being quite popular. The biggest basket party I ever attended included about 10 women. The sex toy party drew at least fifty women—roughly age 25-55, many of them married.
At first the conversation was a little stifled. It was, “Ah, I’m just here for the wine,” sort of talk. But then the hostess brought out the dozens of items for purchase, and the room grew quiet as all of us married ladies pined to hear about that one magical device that would allow us to live in sexual bliss for the rest of our married ever afters. I personally was looking for a gadget that could get me in the mood when my mind wanted to connect with my husband but my body said, “Uh, rain check please.”
Did such a thing exist? I so wanted to know. I discovered a number of novelty items—candy G-strings, flavored lubes, sexual fortune cookies and the like. These things seemed like great gag gifts, but I didn’t think they’d do much for me in the bedroom. I doubted the glow in the dark bubble bath would get me very revved up either, and when I saw the dark chocolate massage oil, I thought, “Now, why would anyone ruin the experience of eating chocolate by requiring themselves to lick it off someone else’s skin?” I found the padded jungle love mask and furry love cuffs somewhat interesting, but I didn’t really think they were the answer to my sexual dilemma, either.
When I saw the “endless pleasure” device—a shaft that not only vibrated but also pulsated, rotated, and thrusted in and out—I thought just one thing: “If I buy that, I’ll never want to have sex with my husband again. His shaft will forever be second rate to Mr. Endless Pleasure.”
After all was said and done, I stood in line to buy something called “Janine’s G Spot Tickler.” It was a petite little thing, complete with a battery pack. It was designed by someone named Janine, of course, and, I think its purpose is self explanatory. I also added the CyberSkin Passion Flower to my bag. According to the description, if I strapped it to my front side, it would give me “unbelievable clitoral orgasms.” I was intrigued.
So was Mr. Strong and Silent when I showed him my new toys.
Are you just dying to know whether the toys lived up to their promise?
To be continued…
Just kidding! (You were pretty disappointed, weren’t you?) I never could figure out how to strap the Passion Flower to myself, and my husband couldn’t figure it out, either. Whenever I tried to slip it on, it slipped right back off. He’d see me struggling with the straps and contorting my body into all sorts of ungodly positions, and he’d say, “Maybe I can find some other way to get you in the mood.” And he usually could. On the day I finally figured out how to maneuver the straps, I learned that the battery was dead.
Janine’s little miracle device, on the other hand, is a true miracle. Whenever I’m too tired, too achy, or too headachy for sex, I hand it over to Mr. Strong and Silent. He turns it on, inserts point A into slot B and within about 30 seconds I’m begging him for all of his manliness. Really, it just takes 30 seconds. We timed it. We were amazed. We’re both, understandably, quite smitten with the thing. I highly recommend it.
