One Question That Could Save Your Marriage
Monday, March 29th, 2010
Marriage Improvement Monday
Do you ever go to the Planning the Funeral Place because of some stubborn behavior that your spouse either won’t stop or won’t start? Say you’ve repeatedly talked about sharing the housework, but your spouse is still a lazy slob. Or maybe you’ve repeatedly gone over how important it is for you to get to destinations on time, but your spouse still causes you to run 10, 20, 30 or more minutes late.
You’ve spoken your voice until you’ve lost your voice. You’ve talked about your feelings. You’ve made very specific requests for new behavior.
You’ve tried every communication strategy that you’ve ever read about.
No dice.
So, now, you are convinced that your spouse doesn’t love you. Why else would your spouse ignore your repeated attempts at communication?
Good question, and it’s precisely the question that could get you out of this frustrating place.
It wasn’t until somewhat recently that I realized the powerful importance of one word. The word is this: Why.
Why do you talk to me like that?
Why do you leave your empty beer bottles on the floor?
Why didn’t you give her a bath?
Why are you late?
Why do you complain about my cooking?
Why do you sit there and watch TV when you can see me cleaning the house?
If you are like me, then you skip straight to the solution before asking why. Heck, if you are like me, then you rarely if ever ask why. Who cares about why he or she does it? You just want change, right?
Here’s why you want to care about why: once you understand why your spouse does or does not do something, you will be better able to solve the problem. For instance, my husband likes to keep the bathroom counter completely free of clutter. Recently, however, I started keeping a tube of progesterone cream on top of the counter. I was doing this because I was supposed to apply this create once a day at the same time every day, but I kept forgetting. And the forgetting was doing a number on my hormonal state.
If I left it on the counter, I would see it at night as I brushed my teeth and remember to apply it.
The problem with my strategy was this: my husband did not know why I was leaving the cream on the counter.
So he kept taking my tube of progesterone and putting it in a drawer where I could not see it and therefore often forgot to apply it.
For weeks I kept putting it on the counter top. For weeks he kept putting it in a drawer.
Oh, it was a bad scene, and it was the kind of scene that can go on and on and in one of those relentless “I wish my spouse would just die already” ways.
Fortunately, I already knew why he kept putting it in a drawer because we’d talked about it in the past regarding my desire to keep my cleanser on the counter (he relented on that battle). It just took me a few weeks to realize that I already knew this. I’m dense like that sometimes, especially when I’m being stubborn for being stubborn’s sake.
Since I knew that he was putting the cream in the drawer because he feels nice and warm inside whenever he sees a nice, clean bathroom counter, I solved the problem. I moved the tube to the kitchen cabinet where I keep my supplements. That way, whenever I take my supplements in the morning, I see the tube of cream and I remember to use it.
I could have, alternatively, gotten in a power struggle with my husband about keeping the cream on the countertop. I’m guessing that the power struggle would not have been fun for either one of us.
Instead, I thought about “why,” and it was “why” that led to a workable solution for us both.
What sends you to the Planning the Funeral Place? Do you understand why your spouse bugs you so much? Do you think the word “why” could save your marriage? Leave a comment.
