Conversation starters for conversation starved marriages
Thursday, October 30th, 2008
Not too long ago, my husband and I had not one Earthly thing to talk about. When we’d met, we shared a few common interests—a love of action movies, a love of unique food, a love of travel, and a love of good wine and beer. Once we became parents, however, we stopped seeing movies and stopped traveling. Our dining experiences became limited to the very ordinary food served at family style restaurants, and I stopped drinking due to pregnancy and breast-feeding.
In our relationship, I’m also the talker. He’s the listener. After so many sleepless nights in a row, I stopped talking. Our communication ceased.
Flash forward three years, to the middle of our marriage project. We still had very little to say to one another. We still had few common interests. He loved cycling and car racing. I loved books and the New York Times.
Worse, at his bicycle sales and coffee shop, he talked to people all day long. He came home in need of silence. As a freelance writer, I went days on end without opening my mouth or hearing the sound of another person’s voice. I ended my workday in need of conversation.
Were we doomed to live a lifetime of silences? So not. Over time I learned to satisfy my need for chatter with lunch dates, running dates, and even random chats with my daughter’s teachers when I picked her up from preschool. I gave my husband his space when he arrived home from work.
But when I needed him to talk, I got him to talk, and here are the topics and questions I used. Perhaps they will work for you as well.
The News: My husband reads the newspaper. I don’t. I’d like to, I just never get around to it. So, I ask him to tell me about the important news of the day, and he does because he’s the kind of guy who likes to be in the know and be the first to share such information.
Politics: This year’s election has provided us with more conversation material than we could ever address in a lifetime. Since he’s an independent and I’m a democrat, we generally share the same views, so our discussions about politics are not heated. Rather they turn into, “Wow, you are so right,” and “No, you are so right” discussions that all of us need from time to time.
Our daughter: Typical questions I might ask include:
• Do you think we should ask her teachers not to let her nap at school? I don’t think she needs one anymore.
• Do you think we should sign her up for gymnastics or soccer? Are you going to take her or am I?
• I signed her up for kindergarten at Devine. I didn’t research other options. Do you want me to?
My life: Sometimes I just talk. I talk about whatever is on my mind. I talk about my fears. I talk about my dreams. He usually just says, “Uh huh,” but he listens and, I’ve learned, that the listening is what I most crave.
And then, occasionally, when we are eating dinner together, I just want to talk about something, anything, so I’ll ask him random questions like:
• What is your favorite beer and why?
• Some people think that Google Street View is an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
• Tell me one interesting story about something that happened to you today.
• I haven’t changed our stock portfolio since the market crashed. I think we should just ride it out. What do you think?
• What do you think of the new James Bond actor?
• Do you have any other life dreams that you have not yet accomplished? (He usually says, “No,” but I like to ask.)
• How’s your latest diet going? (My husband is on an eternal quest to reduce his weight below 180 pounds).
• Where’d you go on today’s ride? (My eyes sometimes glaze over, but he does get pretty animated as he tells me about all of the various towns and places he visited on his bicycle).
• I need a new office chair. Who sells office chairs?
Sometimes I just get a yes or no or one word answer. Other times he surprises me by chatting about himself for a while, and telling me something that I didn’t know, even after 9 years of marriage.
