How to Gain the Upper Hand
Friday, November 20th, 2009
First, a giant segue. Does the phrase “gain the upper hand” relate to that hand slapping game that kids play? Or is it about a hand pile, as shown in the nearby photo? I often wonder about things like that.
All right, now let’s talk about how to gain that upper hand. I’ve wanted to write about power for months, but I kept putting it off. The topic is fairly amorphous. I wasn’t sure I could do it justice. Whenever I told myself that it was time to write about power, I ended up writing about something else.
But then I kept hearing various comments from different friends, acquaintances and blog readers that went like this, “I want to do ______, but my spouse won’t let me” and “My spouse expects me to do ______.” I also read a beautifully written post by Alex Lickerman about patience and it got me thinking about power even more.
So I’m going to take a stab at this. And I’d love you all to take a stab at it, too—in the comments area. I’ll go first.
Power tends to shift back and forth in a relationship, especially early on. Usually, in a fledgling relationship, the person who has the most power is the person who is least invested in the relationship. For instance, when I first met my husband, he was more interested in me than I was in him. Therefore, I had 98 percent of the power. He pursued me for an entire year.
One day, while watching TV, he held my hand and, in that moment, I decided to allow myself to fall in love with him. At that exact moment, I lost at least half of my power.
And he seemed to sense this, almost instantly. Once I fell in love with him, he grew more distant. As he grew more distant, I found myself pursuing him—giving him more and more power as I did so. I kept trying to please him. I kept trying to become the perfect wife. The more I tried to please, the more power I lost.
By the time we became parents, I had almost zero power. I’d lost myself in my marriage. I was miserable.
By the time our daughter was 2, I was so miserable that I figured I couldn’t be any more miserable if I ended my marriage. It was at that moment that I gained back a truckload of power.
Again, my husband seemed to sense this, almost instantly. As soon as I took back my power, he started making changes. He became more attentive, responsive, and understanding. And, as he did so, I allowed myself to love him again, but, this time, I did not give up my power. Today, I would say that we share the power almost equally. It’s a really nice place to be, and this is how I think you can get to the same place.
Choose whether or not you want to stay married, and make this choice every single day. Be willing to be alone. Be seriously willing to end your marriage. This isn’t to say you have to end your marriage or that you will end your marriage. It only means that you know you can—because you are a strong, independent, resilient person who overcomes adversity and hardship. Once you know that you could end your marriage at any moment, then your marriage becomes a daily choice. Each morning, you wake and you say, “I choose to be married to this man/woman.” It’s in knowing that you are making a choice that you become powerful.
Feed your marriage. Assuming you continually choose to stay married, then you also make the choice to strengthen your marriage. A stronger marriage starts with you. Speak your voice. Listen. Be patient. Forgive. Treat your spouse with respect. Practice random acts of affection. Stop retaliating. Start loving.
But don’t lose yourself in the process. Remember: everything you do for your marriage is YOUR choice. You don’t have to do anything. No one—not even your spouse—can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. No one—not even your spouse—can stop you from doing the things you really do want to do. Your life is your choice. Live your life, and not the life you think your spouse wants you to live.
You might think that staying true to yourself runs counter to the above tip about feeding your marriage. This isn’t necessarily so. There’s a big difference between doing things to please your partner and doing things to improve your marriage. Pleasing comes from a place of insecurity and weakness. Marital improvement comes from a place of strength and centeredness.
Stop controlling your partner. Start controlling yourself. This puts you back in the driver’s seat because you are within your control. Your spouse is not. Your spouse makes his or her own choices. You make your choices.
Know what you deserve. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve a spouse who loves you. You deserve to chase after your dreams. Once you know what you deserve, you will find the power you need to stand up for these things.
See your spouse and your marriage as a gift. How can you use that gift to learn more about yourself? How can you use this gift to grow into a better, stronger, more centered person?
What’s your advice for sharing power in a relationship? Leave a comment.
